The Wicca Man Doctors

-Is this it? When you said private room...

-Mum!

This is a private birthing room. It has everything we'll need.

What's that for?

What next? A skipping rope?

You need some food down you.

You are joking me!

Oi - what happens about food?

There's a canteen...though I wouldn't recommend a full meal.

Canteen? Look at her!

Do you think she's going to walk downstairs?

-Mum, I'm not hungry!

-Well, good for you.

I've been up since six and all.

-I've only had a banana!

-Will you stop shouting?

I am trying to help!

If you don't want me here, just say.

I need you to stop shouting.

What about a bit of toast?

MUFFLED FOLK MUSIC

MUSIC: "Casta Diva" by Maria Callas

MUFFLED MUSIC

Happy?

-Sorry?

-Keeping me up last night with your stupid music.

Oh, come on! You turned yours up as soon as I got home!

Maybe don't let your cat use my garden for a toilet!

What do you want me to do? Lock it in?

Move!

Ow!

SHE LAUGHS

PHONE RINGS

Doctor Carmichael.

Hi. It's me.

-Who?

-Jade Jackman!

Is something the matter?

I'm having the baby.

-Where are you?

-Hospital.

-Good.

-Good? It's not good. It really hurts.

The midwife's a miserable old bag.

What's her name?

Anne Mac something.

Right. What about your mother?

Mum's a total nightmare.

I'm sure she's not.

She is. She's stressing me out. Can you come over?

I'm sorry. Look, I'm at work.

Please! I need someone here. Someone normal.

Jade, you are in good hands at the hospital. Good luck.

Let me know how it goes.

Hey, guess how much! £2.50!

Where's mine?

We'll have to share.

Horrible.

As soon as Adam's last sanctimonious mouthful was down the hatch,

they were out the door.

"Ooh, shall we share a taxi?" "Oh, yes, that makes sense."

Sugar?

No. I'm trying to keep the tooth fairy at bay.

You're sweet enough, is what it is.

Leaving Howard and I to stare down into our desserts.

"So that would be two gooseberry fools, thank you, waiter."

Actually it was ice cream, but...

TEXT MESSAGE

Oh. I wondered how long that would take.

'Time we took a break.'

-So he really has gone off with Howard's Annie?

-Mmm.

Didn't even have the courage to tell me to my face.

How predictably spineless.

Still, you did say his tantric talents were beginning to grate.

There were times when I wished I had a good book.

-You and Howard, then.

-What?

It's like the love gods have swooped in, moved Adam and Annie aside,

leaving you and Howard staring into each other's eyes

over coffee and mints.

No, no, no, no, no.

Howard and I, well...we're history.

Hello.

-Ladies.

-Howard.

I bet he's thinking it too.

I hope not.

She's catching up on her homework, Heston.

Tut-tut. If you let it build up like that...

It's Howard's clinical audit.

Which I know for a fact you haven't even started,

yet it is due back today.

Ah, yes. Audit.

Excuse me.

PHONE RINGS

Doctor Carmichael.

-Yeah, it's Kayleigh Jackman here. You know Jade? My daughter?

-Yes?

She's having the baby.

Yes, I did speak to her earlier.

Well, she wants you here. And I know Jade.

-She's going to go on and on.

-I explained to her that I'm at work.

Yeah, and?

Look, I'm sorry. If I get time, I'll drop by at the end of the day.

-End of?

-I'm a doctor. I can't just drop what I'm doing.

Fine. I'll tell her.

Didn't think you would, to be honest, but I tried, didn't I?

How rude! Jade Jackman's mother.

Apparently she wants ME to be there for the birth.

What?

It's just a shame you're snowed under with Howard's vital audit.

-Otherwise you'd be there, mopping her brow, wouldn't you?

-Sorry?

Actually, not that you would know anything about it,

but the one time in her life a woman needs some help is...childbirth.

Who's the midwife?

Anne Mackee.

Ah.

Ow!

OK, you can put your shoe and sock back on now.

Not broken, then?

No. I would say you've got gout.

I thought that was for old Victorian drunks, knocking back the port.

Crystals of sodium urate in the joints. There are various causes.

Although alcohol is one of them.

I suppose I do have a glass, most nights.

A glass?

Well, you know...I get bored.

Bored of my own company, anyway.

There are high levels of purines in alcohol,

it would be a good idea to cut back.

Should subside within a couple of days.

If it doesn't, give us a call.

And in the meantime, these anti-inflammatories should help.

Thanks, Doc.

You were conscious when you fell? No temporary blackouts?

No, no, nothing like that.

Just got distracted - my ridiculous neighbour coming out, shouting.

-Ah. Is that still going on?

-Yeah. Still mad as ever.

-Yeah. See you.

-Yeah, OK.

Thank you.

Take that. The Sicilian defence.

What do you say to that?

-COMPUTER:

-Please move to NF3.

You old charmer. Tell you what.

Shall we stop for a cup of tea? Chat?

Please move to NF3.

No progress, I'm afraid.

I'm sure baby will be along soon enough.

I thought you were our midwife!

-I am.

-So why do you keep running off?

In and out like a headless chicken. Have you got something better to do?

I do have other expectant mothers to oversee, yes.

She needs to know what's going on.

I'll be back shortly.

NHS. What a joke!

Hello, Jade.

-Fate?

-Yeah!

Love gods?

Representing the mysterious forces

that conspired to bring Emma and Howard back together.

Mmm. Or that brought Adam and Annie together,

casting Howard and Emma aside.

-Come on!

-Speaking of Howard, have you done your audit figures yet?

Might have.

Your swotty ways never cease to disappoint me.

I'm saying ignore destiny at your peril.

It'll get you in the end.

They're complete opposites, Howard and Emma.

-Even I can see that.

-Opposites attract!

Bored now.

Argh! Here it comes again.

Try and let your body take control.

-Ow!

-Keep breathing!

That's it. Our body knows exactly what to do,

so just try and relax into it.

Soon as the baby comes, the pain will go.

I promise you. Just try and focus on that.

Come on, you can do it!

It's going to get worse though, isn't it? Can't you do something?

You mean an epidural?

No! I don't want that needle in my spine!

They will do something if and when it's needed.

Can't you do something? I feel like I'm going to die!

You're just going through normal labour.

Normal?

Was yours like this?

Too posh to push, ain't she?

Probably got special treatment from her mates too, I bet.

Probably won't be much longer.

We can't possibly give an accurate timescale at this stage.

Have you not got patients to see, doctor?

No! Don't go.

For the record, you are the only person so far to submit any figures.

Depressing - if it wasn't so predictable.

Friday's always tricky. Actually, it's been a busy week, but good.

-Mmm.

-Have you had a good week?

Mmm. No, actually.

I heard about Annie and the meal.

Right. Yes.

Plenty more fish in the sea!

Well, probably not a huge shoal, to be honest.

Of course, this means Emma's single too, now.

Right.

Seems like fate.

What?

You and Emma.

Me and Emma?

Has she said something?

Not exactly.

Been there, got the T-shirt and it didn't fit.

Anything else, Doctor Donoghue?

Thank you.

MUSIC BLARES FROM BOTH HOUSES

I know we've paid for the searches.

I'm just saying don't go exchanging contracts

without talking to me first.

OK. Thanks.

Don't tell me you've lost your buyer.

No, nothing like that. It's all...um...sailing through.

Just having a last minute wobble about Julia's place.

Why?

Um, nothing specific...really.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Maybe you need to stop calling it "Julia's place".

Your blood pressure's a little bit high but nothing to write home about.

Heartbeat's normal. Are you feeling some tightness in the chest?

Yeah, a bit.

I think we can rule out dysreflexia.

In fact, I think you're stressed.

Is there anything worrying you?

Next door. He's doing me in.

-Things not got any better?

-So stupid.

The one person I used to actually talk to

and now we're stuck in this.

It's really driving me mad!

Is it worth waving a white flag?

Me? No way!

It's up to him to come round and sort it out.

He's the one who's being unreasonable.

He's a complete weirdo.

Air, be present in my space.

Fire, be present.

Water.

Earth.

Spirit.

You win.

Howard and Emma - it's not going to happen.

Horse's mouth.

The horse being Howard?

And so a little bit of magic has just left the earth.

It's not magic, though is it?

It's just...relationships.

Er, "relationships" and "magic" can exist in the same sentence.

Not in my book.

That's a pretty dull book you've got there.

Every page written from painful experience.

Wow! Hail the cynic. That's pretty sad.

I'm happy as I am.

But you could make someone else so much happier.

No. My empirical studies have taught me otherwise.

Ah, Doctor.

Hi. I was just next door. Can we have a chat?

Yeah.

I was just in the middle of a ritual.

Getting ready for Litha. The summer solstice.

Tomorrow's an important date on the Wiccan calendar.

Surprised?

No, I remember you mentioning.

But you didn't realise that I was this mad?

Not at all.

It's what she thinks next door. Mad, stupid and hilarious.

Look, whatever misunderstanding you have with Miss Birks,

-I think it's causing her some stress.

-Sent you round, did she?

-No, but...

-It's giving me stress, too.

I think it's making her ill.

We used to be good mates.

You'd think, after the accident, she'd need friends, wouldn't you?

So why's she being like this?

I don't know. But I think it's about time it stopped.

Ow!

This can't be right. You can't say this is right.

Just sit down.

Time to listen to baby.

I'm getting a little concerned.

Oh?

She's not progressing. She's exhausted.

I think her chances of coping with the birth are...

I think it's looking problematic.

I don't agree. It's all about attitude.

Girls these days just don't have the stamina, to be quite honest.

Flat battery.

As long as the baby isn't in distress, we needn't worry.

Get me a Caesarean!

Right. Let's have a listen.

Ow!

It hurts!

It will hurt! You're having a baby!

Did you hear the heartbeat of the baby?

She doesn't care, does she? Can you do something?

You OK?

Yeah. No thanks to you.

Meaning?

I keep expecting Howard to walk through the door with roses

and an eager smile.

Yeah. I got that wrong.

Oh?

I sort of asked him.

What?!

Only in a roundabout way.

Sorry.

Niamh, you have got to stop stirring!

Still, least you don't have to worry about the eager smile!

-Pass me the kettle.

-Yeah.

Me first. Why are you playing your music so loud?

Oh. Is it because you are?

Or is it because I shouted at your cat?

Which I have no means of controlling,

and, actually, which you used to give...

Let's start again, shall we?

OK.

Let me try, once again, to tell you a little bit about Wicca.

If you're not going to take this seriously, I'm...

Sit down. Don't be so sensitive.

I am going to take it seriously.

There are many reasons why people embrace religion.

Religion?

What? Doesn't it count because it's not the same as yours?

I haven't got one.

For me, it filled a gap. There I was, no kids,

no family, going off to work,

and one day I thought, "What's it all for?"

There has to be more than keeping a stock control system running

and going to the supermarket on Fridays.

So you became Gandalf.

So I read up about different religions.

And something about Wicca hit me.

The whole duotheism thing.

It's about balance, opposites,

the sort of thing you see in nature all the time.

It's a kind of organic view of the cosmos.

And you can take from it what you like.

I found it...comforting, for want of a better word.

Anything wrong with that?

Not surprisingly, it was something I wanted to share.

Knowing the pressure you'd been under after the accident,

I invited you to join my coven.

Your coven of one.

Sorry.

I can see it now, his 'n' hers pointy hats and a two-man broomstick!

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry!

See what I have to deal with?

Geoff, please, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Why's there blood?

Look, don't worry.

-What is it?

-Excuse me, your patient has a bleed.

I'll take a look.

You want to listen to her.

She's a doctor, a proper one.

Why haven't you timed the baby's heartbeat

since the last contraction?

Because we're a midwife down and I'm doing the best I can.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make an examination.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Is this what we pay our taxes for?

-Sh!

-Mum, what taxes?

Hang in there, love.

I'm hanging.

OK. We've dropped below 90.

You need to start continuous monitoring, as of now,

and I suggest a foetal blood sample as a precaution.

Let's not overreact. The bleed has stopped.

No, you need to arrange EFM monitoring straightaway.

And if you don't, I will.

You can't talk to me like that!

Well, it looks like I am.

You have no authority over me.

No, just greater knowledge.

Most of the midwives in this hospital are excellent,

but you seem to have come across a dud.

Don't worry, because I am staying.

Thank you.

I just thought if the two of you

could rise above it for a couple of minutes, then...

But now you've seen what he's like.

Oh, well done.

You've shown the doctor exactly why this is all your fault.

Hold on a minute...

Oh, what, because I don't go along with your mad pagan fantasies?

No madder than any other religion.

Why don't you go to St Michael's Church next Sunday

and roar with laughter as the vicar gives his sermon?

Hey, you could come, too, in a big wizard's hat!

What am I? Harry Potter?

-Ridiculous!

-You said it!

Enough, people. Enough.

Listen to each other!

Please, both of you.

OK. Sorry. I'm listening.

Fine. Why did you laugh at me?

Because I was in a car accident

and I was paralysed.

I know. I'm sorry.

But that's all the more reason for you to be open

to some kind of spiritual comfort.

No! That's the point!

What kind of a God would do this to me?

I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person.

I don't deserve this!

No.

No, so I can't see that there's anything else but the here and now.

This is real!

This is what I have to deal with.

And that's what I do! Get it?

Yeah.

It's all right for you.

You get a bit bored, so you dress up and you go and do some chanting.

And it makes you feel better. That's great!

But I can't change this.

Can I?

I can't change anything.

But you can change...what's up here.

SHE YELLS

SHE SOBS

You've just got to keep your eye on the prize, hon.

If the baby's anything like you were,

it's going to be so beautiful. You're going to love him so much.

I already do, Mum.

I need you to move, please.

The rate's dropped. It's not coming back up.

That's unlikely.

-Jade!

-What's happening?

You're bleeding again. Don't worry.

What are you doing? I need to examine her.

What's happening to me?

You need to call the obstetrician and get her into theatre right now.

That's not your decision to make!

I am telling you, act now!

OK. All right.

Change my attitude? Why should I?!

Let's remind ourselves, you're trying to reduce your stress.

Caused by him!

And the reason for talking it through is to understand

each other's points of view!

Fine.

Look, I know we've all laughed ourselves stupid,

but when I didn't believe in anything, I felt hollow inside.

You changed after your accident.

-Well, wouldn't you?

-Yeah, probably.

It's inevitable. You were suffering from shock.

I think I just shut down.

But the thing is, shock doesn't last for ever.

So maybe now you could try something different.

Look, I'm not suggesting Wicca's the answer.

Please don't. Anyway, look at you!

"Hey, Wicca changed my life!"

And you're shuffling off to the bottle bank

with a sack of empties every other day!

-What's that all about?

-It's because I'm bored!

Me, too!

And...?

And maybe...I miss our little chats.

Me, too.

Finally.

Just breathe away. Here's some oxygen to help you.

What's happening?

Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.

You're going to wake up with a big, fat baby.

Listen.

Kiss her.

Oh, no! No!

My baby! Can you hear me?

Jade, I love you!

I love you so much!

Jade...

I love you, baby!

It's all right.

It's all right. It's all right.

He's checking up on me, isn't he?

Seeing if I'm good enough to work here.

-Maybe.

-Maybe?!

Prison, that's a walk in the park.

It's out here that's hell.