Baked Doctors

Nan! Breakfast's ready!

Just a minute...

I'm putting my face on!

SINGS ALONG TO RADIO: # We've got nothing to be guilty of

# Our love...one in a million...'

# Near or far... #

-Morning!

-Morning, sweetheart.

Oh, you shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.

It's the most important meal of the day!

-Come on, park your bum.

-Oh, you are good to me.

How are you feeling, Nan? You look tired.

Oh, look who's talking, you dirty stop out!

And what time did you get in last night?

-Can't remember.

-Oh, no!

Good night, was it?

-Are you OK?

-Don't fuss, Ben.

I'm as fit as a butcher's dog!

Just promise me you won't overdo it, yeah?

-Eat your egg.

-I'm sorry, pet,

but I'm not all that hungry.

-I'll just have a couple of soldiers.

-Shall I phone Charlie?

No, I don't want the nurse.

It's just my arthritis.

Where are you going now?

Well, I don't want to be late for work!

Come on, people - dig deep!

Spare a few coppers for people with disabilities.

Thank you. I'm much obliged.

Oh! I'll do my happy dance for you.

COINS RATTLE IN BUCKET

SHE GROANS

Oh!

Elsie, are you all right? Come on.

That's it.

Ooh, I'm fine, Chief Inspector.

It's these shoes!

-Is it, yeah? And it's still just Sergeant, I'm afraid.

-Is it?

Well, they should've promoted you.

-Oh, but I might have to sit down for a bit.

-Come on, then.

Would you mind my toadstool for me?

Oh, just for a minute.

Elsie, this is Constable Harper. It's her first day on the job.

-Oh, it's nice to meet you.

-Hello.

I would say that Elsie's probably Letherbridge's biggest charity fundraiser.

She's famous.

I just do my bit for the kiddies. Speaking of which...

no rest for the wicked!

SHE GROANS

Why don't you take it easy, eh?

It's arthritis,

but my new hip's in the post!

I think we are going to give you a lift home.

Oh, I don't want to be a bother, Superintendent.

You just phone my grandson.

He'll come and pick me up.

SHE GROANS

Morning. I've got an appointment with Nurse Marquez.

I'm Celeste Baptiste.

Right, eh...

-If you would just like to take a seat.

-Sorry, have we met before?

Your face looks familiar. At the spiritualist church maybe?

No, we have not.

I work as an intuitive.

In case you're ever in need of advice...

Yes, well, I do not need any advice of this kind, but thank you.

Oh, Dr Carter! Are you free for lunch?

A friend of mine has just started working at the church cafe,

I just want to show my support.

Uh...yes, of course, yeah.

Um...Miss Baptiste?

Ah, follow me.

Smells like a greasy spoon in here.

Have you got a paracetamol?

-Hangover?

-No!

-Oh, you're sweating.

Ah...my heart's racing.

-Karen, how many coffees have you had this morning?

-Three.

Well, no wonder!

No more caffeine.

Right. Better get back to it.

What?

So much for the reputation of the surgery, with you two at large!

Ketchup-face and Caffeine-junkie...

Thanks, darling.

Oh, Nan!

Only you could have the whole constabulary waiting on you.

-They offered!

-You must be Ben.

Sergeant Hollins, Constable Harper.

Best get your nan home, I think.

-She's a bit wobbly.

-I was doing my happy dance.

I told you to take it easy! Right, we're going to the doctor's.

-Over my dead body!

-It might come to that, the way you're going.

I am not going to the doctor's!

This ladybird is not for turning!

Oh, for goodness' sake, Nan! You can't go on like this.

Elsie, your grandson has got a really good point.

Why don't you get yourself checked out?

The Campus Surgery's just up the road. They've got a drop in clinic.

You'll be in and out of there in 15 minutes.

-Please, Nan.

-Oh, all right.

What a flamin' waste of time.

-Right, where are you parked? We'll give you a hand.

-Oh.

Um...I'm on double yellow. Well, you did say it was urgent...

Come on, Elsie.

Your illegally-parked chariot awaits.

Pssst! Is she single?

It's just Ben's not courting at the minute.

Nan! You're embarrassing me!

Come on.

'I am a psychic, clairvoyant and spiritual medium.

'My work is to offer evidence that our spirit and personality

'survive after our so-called death.'

-Hello!

-Hi, this is Elsie Potter. She needs to see a doctor.

Broken wing, is it? Sorry!

I've told my grandson, there's no point

in wasting NHS money on an old fossil like me.

-I've seen you in the precinct, haven't I?

-Oh, that's right.

Mind, I'll not be collecting much in here, will I?

Most students don't have two ha'pennies to rub together.

Two ticks. I'll, uh...

Dr Carmichael, I've got a patient for you, Elsie Potter.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

-Who's that? A girlfriend?

-It's Charlie.

I left a message for him. Hiya! Yeah, she's OK.

We're just at the doctor's. I will. I'll text you when we get back.

All right. Bye.

-Charlie sends his love.

-You didn't need to ring him.

Well, I was worried about you. He'll come round after his shift.

Elsie Potter?

How do?

Hello. I'm Dr Carmichael. If you'd like to come through?

-Is it OK if I come? I'm her grandson.

-If that's OK with you?

Do you need a hand?

Me? No! I'm fit as a fiddle.

She always says that. Just ignore it.

-So your grandmother was a medium?

-Mm-hmm.

You know it can run in families?

Mm, well, so can Psoriasis, which she also had

but I didn't inherit that, thank goodness!

-Well...why don't we try and contact her?

-What, now?

People pass to the other side but they're really just in the next room.

Do you honestly believe that?

Aren't there occasions when it feels like people you've lost are trying

to communicate with you?

Um...Shall we get back to the reason for your visit?

What medical issue can I help you with?

Well...strangely enough...

psoriasis.

Maybe you're more psychic than you think?

Her fingers are much more swollen than they were.

It's like havin' a parrot! What did you have for breakfast? Trill?

-And what about your hip?

-Oh, it comes and goes, you know.

It's just old age.

OK, well, I'm going to prescribe a course of anti-inflammatories.

Can't I get those from Charlie?

Oh, he's a nurse we know at St Phil's.

He can't write prescriptions, Nan.

I think you should look at some lifestyle changes.

I'm not stopping work!

I mean, who's going to collect for all those kiddies?

I'm not asking you to give anything up. Being active is a really good

thing, but I'm asking you to take the rest of the day off and perhaps

the next few days, just to give the medication a chance to start working.

Well...

a few days won't do any harm,

I suppose.

Can I get that in writing?

-Are we done then?

-Yes, here we go.

The dosage information's on there.

She'll never give up work.

She'd go out on her hands and knees if necessary.

Well, maybe you could just try to get her to drop her hours a little?

-Take things a bit more slowly?

-I'll try. Thanks, doctor.

-Can you spare a few bob?

-Nan!

-What?

-Oh, excuse me? Celeste Baptiste?

-Yes.

Do you have a moment?

-You were in the waiting room earlier.

-Yes.

-I don't really know how to say this.

-How long has it been going on?

Sorry?

I sense a great darkness...

..uncomfortably close.

-A restless spirit...

-There's no logical explanation!

Logic will only take you from A to B.

It is the imagination which takes us everywhere else.

Can you help me?

-I have an appointment now.

-Well, later then?

Right, are we doing bed or sofa?

Bed. I'll have a Nana nap.

-Hi, Els. I saw you trotting back.

-Hello, Charlie.

-Who gave you a key?

-Elsie. How are you feeling, babes?

-Oh, I'm fine.

-I'm on steroids.

-Oh, bulking up?

-They're anti-inflammatories, Nan.

-How was your shift?

-Oh, usual mayhem. Couple of punch ups.

It's Booze Britain, Els, and I'm on the front line!

-Ben was on the razzle last night.

-Yeah? Where was my invite?

-Uh, well...

-Did you get lucky without me?

-Come on, Nan, let's get you into bed.

-I'll do that.

-You don't mind?

-Nah.

-OK. I might nip into town, do a big shop.

-Oh, thanks, pet.

Right then. Fancy a bed bath?

-Oh, you cheeky monkey! I'll tell your girlfriend!

-Which one?

SHE LAUGHS

Here, have you brought the you-know-what?

Not a word to Ben.

So, apparently, I'm slightly psychic on my mother's side.

Well, that's handy when it comes to diagnosing.

-What do you fancy eating?

-Can't you read my mind?

-Ah, Dr Carter! Are you ready?

-Oh, I'm sorry.

I completely forgot. Something's come up. I may be a bit late coming back.

-So where do you fancy? The Icon?

-Eh...

-Somewhere in town?

Ladies, I might have a suggestion.

A friend of mine has just started working at the church cafe.

-The food there is excellent.

-Is she the chef there?

No...he helps prepare the food,

but the carrot cake there is to die for.

-I love a carrot cake.

-Yeah, OK. After you, Mrs Tembe.

-Good!

Does she have a secret boyfriend?

Well, there's only one way to find out...

Hey, what's the matter?

Oh, I've been sick, pet.

You look awful!

Get Charlie.

-I'll get the doctor!

-Oh!

So how did you meet this guy, Mrs Tembe?

-In church.

-Singles night?

Mr Robson has had a difficult time lately.

Mrs Tembe! You should have texted.

I'd have reserved a table.

-How has your first day been?

-It's great!

We're so busy, they've already got me helping out on the floor.

Ooh! Sorry. These are some colleagues from work.

This is Dr Donoghue and Nurse Marquez. This is Mr Robson.

Niamh. It's nice to meet you.

Mandy.

Josh. Hi.

We've heard a lot about you.

All good, I might add.

Well, please, this way.

-Thank you.

-How's it been going? Any tricky customers?

None so far.

Well, we'll try and liven things up, keep you on your toes!

I'll be back in a bit to get your orders.

So, Mrs Tembe, see anything you fancy?

Is she OK?

She's stopped vomiting, but she's running a temperature.

She looked like a ghost when I got in.

I've never seen her so pale.

It looks like a stomach virus.

The best thing you can to do is to keep her hydrated.

I will.

I'm sorry to drag you out like this.

I know you're busy, but she's all I've got in the world.

You did the right thing.

Just make sure she keeps getting plenty of fluids,

and contact the surgery if she starts vomiting again.

I will.

-Are you hungry?

-I haven't had any lunch.

-Oh, have some.

-No, really, I shouldn't.

It's the least we can do for taking up all your time.

No-one bakes cakes like Nan. Here.

Try one.

Thanks.

Hm. Tasty!

Unusual.

Like Colonel Sanders, it's her special recipe.

Are you not having any?

I'm not a big chocolate fan. I prefer her fruit cake.

Mm.

Thank you.

Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

What is it?

Can you feel something?

It has a graveyard stench.

Oh, no. That's the drains.

They're doing sewage work down the road.

I wasn't referring to the smell. It's a psychic impression.

Is that bad?

Where are you going?

I'll be back in a minute.

Here you go, Nan.

Oh, thanks, pet.

She's nice, that Dr Carmichael. We had a good natter.

She liked your brownies.

What?!

The ones you left out.

Where is Dr Carmichael now?

She's just left!

-Ohhh!

-What's the matter?!

I can't...

SHE MUMBLES

MUSIC: "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"

SHE LAUGHS

Doctor?! Doctor!

Dr Carmichael!

Doctor!

Dr Carmichael!

Oh!

The spirit must be purged. This is very specialised work.

But can you get rid of it?

First we discuss my fee.

Of course. How much?

200.

£200!

Paid in full. Up front.

"Service not included." Shall we leave him a big tip?

Suppose it goes without saying, Mrs Tembe?

I think it is customary to leave a 10% gratuity.

So that's three quid each, then. Call it a tenner.

No, it's all right, I'll get it.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much. Well, I'll take it. Thank you.

-I don't think we'll get invited back, do you?

-Hm.

What is that?

Oh, just some local activities. Some good stuff, actually.

Do you fancy doing a class?

Maybe.

Was everything all right for you?

Oh, yes. Yes, thank you.

I am sorry my friends were a little inappropriate.

It's fine.

Dr Carmichael? Are you OK?

Have some water.

What the hell was in those brownies, Nan?

It must be food poisoning.

-What?

-They were spiked!

You're baking hash cakes?!

Where's Daniel? Where's my phone?

It was for my arthritis.

Are you out of your mind?!

I was supposed to smoke it.

You were planning on going out waving your charity bucket,

high as a kite?

I was in pain. He said it would help!

Who did? KNOCKING

Elsie! I got you some skins.

Who's this? The friendly neighbourhood drug dealer?

Who's this skank?

Skank! I will have you know that I'm a... Oh, my God!

Cheaper to get Mystic Meg.

Cut the cards, please.

No, I don't want my fortune told.

Someone close to you has recently passed over?

No.

Someone with a grudge against you, then?

Not that I can think of.

And the noises you heard - where did they come from?

Upstairs.

OK. Let me just get this straight.

You have been selling drugs to vulnerable pensioners?

No. Elsie hasn't given me any money.

Oh, right! So you wait till they get hooked then you hoick the prices?

It wasn't like that.

It's a painkiller for arthritis.

Is it?

It can cause palpitations and...arrhyth...

Sorry, what was the question?

Is it a painkiller?

Yeah, well, yes, anecdotally.

So you put my nan at risk?

I didn't know she was going to use the whole bag.

I told you to use a little smidge, Elsie.

I thought it would work quicker.

Have you been supplying to other people?

I don't. It's personal use only.

Rubbish!

Please don't shop me - I could lose my job.

I don't deal anything else. I swear on the Bible.

On the...!

KNOCKING

Hello?

Did you call the police?

Hello?

ZARA LAUGHS

What's going on?

Anything?

I am concentrating!

Sorry.

You definitely felt a presence here on the landing?

Yes.

Were there any changes in temperature? Any sudden coldness?

No. Just a sense of trepidation.

The hairs standing up on the back of the neck. And the noises.

From the attic.

Please...do not follow me.

Hash cakes? And you couldn't tell?

No, I left the sniffer dog at home today, Daniel.

Of course I couldn't tell! I wouldn't have eaten them if I could tell!

And what's with the Trainspotting look?

-I was sick on my clothes.

-What?

I was sick on my clothes.

You had a whitey!

It's not funny. I could have had a psychotic episode.

How would we know the difference?

I'm going to call Rob. Stay there.

Good idea.

Look, you can apologise all you want - it makes no difference.

-And I want that house key back.

-Oh, mate, come on.

I didn't mean any harm. You know how I feel about Elsie...

and you.

I'm not falling for that. Come on.

Key!

He's not a bad lad, really.

Well, he's not welcome round here any more.

You liked him, didn't you?

You know he just likes lasses.

What are you talking about, Nan?

I know you like lads, sweetheart.

What?

Oh, it's all right with me. My uncle Terry was gay.

He lived with a man for 30 years. And why not?

Why shouldn't people be able to live with whoever they love?

Do you mean that?

Course I do!

Why were you always asking if I had a girlfriend if you knew?

Because I wanted to give you the chance to tell me.

I thought you'd get sick of me asking eventually!

You're not mad at me?

How could I be mad at you, sweetheart?

You're the most important thing in the whole world to me.

Come on. Give your daft old nana a cuddle.

Well? What did you find?

-Nothing.

-What?

In all my years as a professional,

I have rarely come across a less atmospheric place.

There is no-one here who wishes to communicate with me -

or, more specifically, with you.

No, hang on. What about the noises?

Whatever's causing it is not of the spirit world.

What, then?

Probably just old plumbing.

That's it?

Nan's in here.

Blimey!

What is this? Ghetto chic?!

Oh, yes, Elsie, Dr Granger's been telling me

about these cakes you've been baking.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sergeant. I didn't mean to cause all this trouble.

PHONE RINGS Excuse me.

-Will I be arrested?

-Arrested?

No, I don't think that will be necessary,

but I will need to take a statement from you.

It won't go in the papers, will it?

Nan does so much work for good causes.

I know. I'm sure we can keep a lid on it.

OK, Elsie, you'd better show me these cakes.

Oh, yes, this way.

Who was that?

On the phone? Oh, that was Karen asking after you.

Well, I hope you made something up.

Like my car's broken down, or...

You didn't tell her, did you?

Al was asking why you hadn't come back to work and he was accusing you of bunking off,

so I felt that I had to protect your reputation!

My reputation?!

You did this on purpose, didn't you?

I didn't. It just slipped out, I promise!

This is payback, isn't it? Because I won't "Come Dancing" with you?

Let me just tell you that this... is it!

Brilliant!

-I demand a refund!

-Why?

Because you, madam, have taken me for a fool!

All this stuff about "a great darkness" and "a graveyard stench"!

I don't even believe in ghosts!

Then what's the problem?

Well, the problem is you've fleeced me.

No. I've told you there are no spirits in this house.

So either I'm right and there aren't,

or you're right and no such thing exists in the first place,

so whichever way you look at it, you're in the clear.

Goodbye.

CREAKING

You do know this is a scam? You're deluding yourselves.

It's not real.

It seems pretty real to me.

You can't meditate cancer away!

Do you mind if I call you Alisdair?

It's Al.

I promise you I can cure you.

What about you and Al? Are you two OK?

Of course we are! Why would you ask that?