Buttoned Up Doctors

HE BLOWS AND SNIFFS

WATER RUNS

HE GARGLES

Hello?

HE SNIFFS

We'll call you when the results come in,

but the cream should make you more comfortable in the meantime.

Oops. Sorry. What did you say to that poor lad?

He looked like he was about to burst into tears.

Oh, we just played a little game of "You show me yours,

"and I'll give you a lecture on practising safe sex."

-What's up?

-I need a favour.

-Anything for you, Al.

Can you cover the rest of drop-in, please?

-We're not THAT busy.

-Sure. Why?

I need to pop out and see a patient. He's saying it's urgent.

-Can't he come here?

-Eddie doesn't like leaving the house.

Aw, of course.

My grandfather was exactly the same when my nana died.

-How old is Eddie?

-Erm, he's 35. I owe you one!

PHONE RINGS

-Good morning, Campus Surgery.

-Good morning, Mrs Tembe.

Dr Carter, I need your advice...

I'm looking for a restaurant for a man on a "modest budget".

I don't think the words "modest budget" are in Heston's vocabulary.

He wants to take a very nice young lady out on a date...

If you're looking for a date, Mrs Tembe, surely I'm a better option?

-Dr Haskey, please!

-Dr Haskey? The very man I want to speak to.

Yes, of course. But first I want to...

It's a matter of some urgency.

-SHE SIGHS

-I will pass you over.

He wants to speak to you.

Heston, my man, how can I be of service?

It's about the CCTV. I've read the instructions,

but for some reason it hasn't recorded to the laptop.

Without being able to look at it, it's kind of difficult to...

Come on, Al. It's really important.

All right. I suppose it might be your memory.

Absolutely not. I definitely remember pressing the button.

I'm talking about your laptop's memory, Heston.

-Do you know how much disc space you've got?

-Hang on.

Heston?

About five inches.

All right, I think the best thing for you to do is to take any

unnecessary files you've got and put them on to an external hard drive.

If you haven't got an external hard drive,

don't worry you can pick one up really cheap online. OK?

-Fine. I think I got that...

-Great. Now I really have to go. Bye!

External hard drive.

WOMAN MOANING ON THE LAPTOP

KNOCK ON THE DOOR, LAPTOP SLAMS SHUT

Sorry to bother you, but Mrs Omrani has cancelled.

-Fine.

-False alarm, apparently. Thought she'd...

Thank you for letting me know, Karen.

-Everything all right?

-Absolutely fine.

HE OPENS LAPTOP, MOANING CONTINUES

HE CLOSES THE LAPTOP

FOOTSTEPS RUN DOWN THE STAIRS

LATCH OPENS

FOOTSTEPS RUN BACK UP THE STAIRS

And five, four, three, two, one.

Coming, ready or not!

You see, tango is a very passionate dance.

It's all about seduction.

It requires skill, confidence and controlled aggression.

Sounds very manly.

-So when does your sequin-coated silk shirt arrive?

-THEY LAUGH

Is everything all right with Heston?

-As far as I know.

-He just seems a bit odd.

-Heston's been odd since we've known him.

-Yeah, but...

You know what he's like... he's probably just spilled

Merlot on his favourite waistcoat.

-Ooh!

-Sorry!

-Have you been practising?

-I might have had a little spin around the living room floor last night.

-Me, too.

Didn't realise you were both taking it so seriously.

We both want to be the best. Nothing wrong with that.

It's why we work so well together.

Which reminds me... Andy had a cancellation and wondered

if we wanted a bit of extra coaching?

-Lunchtime, about an hour?

-Erm...

I have some paperwork I have to catch up on...

-But I think I can manage...

-Great! See you later, partner.

-See you.

-BLOOD PRESSURE PUMP INFLATES

-The front door is locked, isn't it?

Yep, it's still locked.

Just like it was the last time you asked me.

Yeah.

-Sorry.

-Don't worry about it.

The first time I came round here you had me waiting for

45 minutes in the rain before you decided to let me in.

This, my friend, is what we call progress.

My therapist says so.

I've even managed a couple of short walks.

-Outside?

-Only around the block.

That's great. Well done.

She told me to find something to take with me.

A familiar object I can focus on.

I found this old umbrella at the back of the wardrobe.

It belonged to my mum. It really helps.

That's great, but don't push it too much.

Your blood pressure is slightly raised

and your breathing is sounding a little bit brittle.

What would you say brought on the attack?

I'm having...you know... girl trouble.

Girl trouble?

My girlfriend. Hazel. I think something's happened.

Since when have you had a girlfriend?

We've been seeing each other for a couple of months.

So... How does that work? Does she come here to see you?

No! I wish!

We've not actually met in person yet.

We do video calls.

Oh! I see! Discreet credit card payments?

-Shut up!

-Joke! I'm really pleased for you.

If you can find a girl, there's hope for the rest of those

weirdos out there. So what's she like?

She's amazing. She's beautiful, funny.

And the best thing is, Hazel's...like me.

She's an agoraphobic Scouser? THEY LAUGH

Yeah. That's how we met. An online support group.

Thing is, she hasn't answered any of me calls today.

-We speak all the time normally.

-Maybe she's just popped out?

She's agoraphobic, ignore what I said, pretend it never happened.

-Today was supposed to be...special.

-Special how?

My therapist thinks I'm ready to go further.

I was going to try to get to Hazel's house.

It's not far. A couple of streets away.

OK, let me get this straight.

You told her you were going round to visit her

and since then she hasn't been answering your calls?

I know what you're thinking.

She's not ready for a "real-world" relationship.

But why couldn't she just tell me that?

One of the many things I like about you, Edward,

is you always defer to me on subjects I have no idea about.

I know Hazel. She wouldn't just cut me off.

-Something bad's happened, I'm sure of it.

-HE SIGHS

What if she's fallen and banged her head?

She lives all on her own, she doesn't have any visitors,

she doesn't have a doctor go and see her...

Calm down. Take some deep breaths.

We'll do it together. In. THEY INHALE

And out. THEY EXHALE

Again. In. THEY INHALE

And let it go.

-There you go.

-Would you go and check on her for me?

-It's just round the corner.

-Mate, I can't...

Please! I'm going out of me mind! I tried to go myself.

That's when I had the panic attack.

-Until I know she's all right...!

-I shouldn't even be here.

You've got to! She's the one for me, I know she is.

If you had a chance with the woman of your dreams,

you wouldn't just let her go, would you?

That's a way to emotionally blackmail a mate! All right, fine.

I'll go round.

I warn you, she's going to take one look at all this handsomeness...

-Thanks, Al. You're a mate.

-This gets me an invite to the wedding?

Course it does, best man!

To be honest, I usually leave all this techie stuff to Kevin.

He's busy with a very demanding patient.

Bet he is. Well, it's nothing to do with your memory.

-You've got space there.

-So what is it?

No idea.

Like I said, I'm no expert.

Nine times out of ten, it's down to human error.

I followed the instructions to the letter.

OK, well, the only other thing I can say it could have been

tampered with? Anyone done that? Just a thought.

-Anyway I've got to run, sorry...

-Yes. Thank you. You get on.

MOBILE RINGS Rob Hollins.

-Rob, it's Heston.

-Heston? What can I do for you?

I think someone may have sabotaged my security equipment.

-Sabotaged?

-Yes.

-How?

They deleted the CCTV footage from my laptop. Last night.

While it was still in the house?

Yes. They must have broken in. I don't know how.

-And they didn't take anything. But the dining table...

-Yes?

Heston?

On seconds thought, it may be nothing.

-If you really are worried, then...

-My mistake. Forget I called.

I'm so sorry to disturb you.

Hello? Hazel?

Hello?

Hello! HE KNOCKS

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HER HEADPHONES

Hello!

Hazel? SHE SCREAMS

-I'm sorry! It's OK! I'm a doctor!

-Get out! Get out!

I'm not going to hurt you.

-Get out of my house!

-Whoa! I'm going...

-OK, I'm going out into the garden.

-Further back!

Hazel? Hazel!

Can you take your headphones out, please?

Eddie sent me. Eddie Haverlock. He's really worried about you.

Said you haven't been answering his video calls.

He asked me to come over and make sure you're all right.

Shall I just go back and tell him that you're fine?

There's nothing wrong with you... you're not even agoraphobic!

-Shall I tell him that, shall I?

-You can't!

-Let's talk about it then, eh?

-OK, but no buttons.

What?

You've got to take off any clothes with buttons on.

-You want me to take my clothes off?!

-No!

I want you to wear clothes that don't have buttons on!

All of my clothes have buttons on. Can't we just...?

Don't come near me!

-SHE SOBS

-I've lost him for good now, haven't I?

It's all right. Don't cry. SHE SOBS

Wait here. No buttons.

-No buttons!

-SHE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

# There is no doubt

# I will stay with you

# As each morning brings the sunrise

# And the flowers... # MUSIC STOPS

-What do you think?

-Well?

Not entirely awful.

It looks like there might even be a dancer beneath that stiff,

British facade.

You must have some Latin blood hidden away.

-Actually, my mother lives...

-Do it again. But better.

-100% button-free.

-Thank you.

Don't suppose you have a dressing gown I could borrow?

-No, sorry.

-Oh, well! I won't tell anyone if you don't.

-So... Why are you lying to Eddie?

-I'm not.

I never told him I was agoraphobic. He just assumed.

You were on an online support group for agoraphobics.

-I thought it would help.

-Help what?

I do have a phobia. Just not of the outside world.

Of buttons, per chance?

Koumpounophobia, isn't it?

Yes.

So what is it you don't like about them, the way they look?

The look, the feel, everything.

The thought of brushing against one makes me feel physically sick.

And how long have you been like this?

Since I was a kid.

I used to make Mum cut the buttons off my school blouse

and sew in Velcro instead. It's got worse though.

-Have you thought about getting help?

-Help? What help?

Most people just think it's a big joke!

Ah. So when Eddie said he was going to come round...

What if he was wearing a shirt? Or a cardigan!?

On the video calls I can crop the screen, but if he turned up here...

I know this might sound stupid but...why don't you tell him?

Because he'd think I was a freak!

If there was anybody in the world you could tell, it's Eddie.

He's got a normal phobia. Everybody's heard of it.

Mine's...stupid!

I can't believe I thought I could actually have a normal

-relationship with someone.

-You can, if you tell him the truth.

No! And you can't tell him. You're a doctor, right?

-So this is confidential?

-Yes...

Then you can't tell him. Just say... I don't know.

Just make sure he stays away from me.

-I'm not as fit as I thought I was.

-Tell me about it.

-Long, hot soak in the bath tonight, I think.

-I might join you.

-In my own bath, I meant.

-I guessed.

That's a shame.

I was going to ask if you could pop over to my other class this evening.

It's for people to practise their basic skills.

-Are we really that far behind?

-Not at all. Quite the opposite.

-I'd like you to do a demonstration.

-Us?

-Yes.

You've been practising, I can tell.

I've always said hard work is more important than natural talent.

Well... I'm up for it if you are.

I did promise Zara I'd put Joe to bed...

But I think she would be fine with this, just this once.

I'll see you later then. Good work today.

-Really?

-That's what she said.

I don't understand.

She's a woman. We're not supposed to understand.

She didn't give you any other reason?

-Nope. Sorry.

-She must have said something else!

She did mention that she thought she should just

-concentrate on getting well.

-What does that mean?

I don't know! I suppose she sees you doing so well

and she thinks she should be conquering her fears.

But I wouldn't put pressure on her.

She could never step foot outside of her house again

and it wouldn't change how I felt about her!

I know it's hard, but maybe this is for the best.

How do you work that one out?

You've only just started leaving the house, haven't you?

You need to focus on getting back into the world!

And when you do you'll meet someone in no time.

You don't get it. For the first time in years,

I wake up every day with a smile on me face.

I can't wait to turn the computer on and see her.

I've told her things that I've never told anyone.

I don't want to meet someone else!

Come on, Eddie, there are millions of people out there.

Just going on statistics alone, you're bound to meet some

pretty girl with the same... personality type.

If I don't have her, what's the point?

-I may as well stay indoors.

-Don't say that.

-Maybe if you talked to her again...

-No!

-Please!

No! I've done what I've said I'd do.

You know she's alive and well.

Maybe she'll change her mind. I've got to get back.

I just want to know how I can make my laptop tamper-proof

while it's still running.

Yes, of course I have a password, but it's clearly not enough!

If I knew how they were doing it, I wouldn't be phoning you, would I?!

Fine!

-Problem?

-No.

Right. In that case, can you keep the noise down?

We're going to get complaints from the neighbours.

Come on. You can get there. You can get there.

All I'm saying is that you could be tighter on the turn.

Sorry, Craig Revel Horwood, I'll try harder next time!

-Make sure you do.

-How's it going?

Amazing! There's so much to learn though.

The tango is such a complex dance,

full of all these intricate little moves and nuances.

-Is Daniel still struggling?

-Not at all!

He's coming on in leaps and bounds

and he's got this great physicality on the dance floor.

-A real...muscularity, you know?

-Zara's a very lucky lady.

Gotta run.

My teacher has given me these training videos.

Apparently I need more swivel on my ocho.

MOBILE RINGS

Eddie, are you all right?

You did what?!

OK, calm down. Deep breath in like we did before.

In and out.

I'll be there as soon as I can!

Selenium, Bromine, Krypton,

Rubidium, Strontium, Yttrium...

-Bromine... Strontium, Yttrium...

-Wow, you know the whole thing?

That's impressive.

Zirconium, Niobium... She won't let me in!

Mmm. She does that.

-Are you wearing that for a dare?

-Long story.

-I can't remember...!

-Leave me alone!

Hazel, it's Dr Haskey. You have to let us in?

I told you to keep him away from me.

-We have to get Eddie inside.

-He shouldn't be here!

-This is important. You have to open up.

-I can't!

Yes, you can. And if you care about Eddie at all, you will.

-Come on, open up.

-OK. Just..give me a moment.

Come on, let's get you inside.

Did you walk the whole way here?

I got a taxi most of the way, but he chucked me out when I threw up.

If it's any consolation, that happened to me once on a first date.

Ah! You still here? Thought I was the last one.

Just getting up to date on my medication reviews.

Good to hear it.

So how you getting on with that new tech gear?

Very well, thank you. Provides a wonderful peace of mind.

Mmmm. Yes. Excellent.

Maybe we should think about beefing up the security here.

I'll have to have a look at the budget.

Was there anything else?

No. See you tomorrow.

Good night, Howard.

Don't work too late!

You know, when I found out you lived in Letherbridge I was SO excited.

It felt like I finally had a reason to want to go outside.

I had something to fight for.

Whatever it is I've done wrong, please just tell me and I'll change.

Listen, mate, why don't you go downstairs? Let me try.

Hazel, it's Al.

-Eddie's gone downstairs.

-I told you to keep him away.

If that's what you want, I'll take him back.

But before I do, can you just have a little think about the amount

of sheer courage it must have taken him to come here today?

That's the equivalent of you going into a button factory.

-You're not helping.

-HE SIGHS

All right... All right... Just consider if he can be that brave,

maybe you can be brave enough to tell him the truth.

What's the point? He won't love me after this.

Isn't that up to him?

What's your alternative? He goes and you never see him again?

You'll spend the rest of your life here, alone and lonely?

What have you got that is

so precious you're not willing to risk it?

OK...

Can you ask Eddie to come back upstairs, please?

-Ready?

-I feel ridiculous.

She'll think you look like David Beckham.

-David Beckham?!

-The coast is clear!

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-So...buttons?

-Don't start.

I wasn't going to.

At school they used to call me Hazel "The Nut".

-"Ed Case."

-THEY LAUGH

You know, you're even prettier in the flesh.

-Not so bad yourself.

-Well, I'll leave you to it.

Look, Eddie, I'm so sorry...

I've been wanting to do that for such a long time.

HE TURNS THE KEY IN THE LOCK

HE SIGHS

I can't believe you're actually here.

I know. It's boss.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

It's me, isn't it? I knew this would happen!

You think I'm a freak!

No! I don't, I promise! You're amazing.

-I just realised...

-What is it?

I've got absolutely no idea how I'm going to get home from here.

-Oh, I see!

-After everything that happened before,

I don't know if I can face...

You can stay here.

Really?!

If you want to. For tonight, at least.

-Yeah. That'd be...great.

-Good.

Thank you. Very much. So?

-So what?

-I thought it went really well.

-We've had some great comments.

-Your footwork was acceptable.

Acceptable? Earlier on you said...

-But that's not where the problem lies.

-Problem?

Tango is a dance of passion, of chemistry, of lust.

You will never improve until you stop dancing like two friends

and start dancing like two people on the brink of becoming lovers.

I'm sure that's something Daniel and I can work on.

You haven't got a clue, have you?!

You haven't got the first idea.

You can't charge me any more, I'm going to get you the money...

-You don't seem to think it is such a good idea.

-Disaster.

Hey! Who's taking the risks, eh?

You know what, I think I'm going to walk. The keys are in the car.

Jog, if you like.