A Kind of Magic Doctors

-And now, ladies and gentleman...

-And mix to camera two.

MUSIC: "A Kind of Magic" by Queen

-In you go.

-Not again!

-You know you love confined spaces.

Are you with me, my lovely?

Be gentle with me.

When am I ever gentle with you?

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

it is time for a little cosmetic surgery.

With this blade, he need never worry about double chins again.

HE SCREAMS

There we go!

And with this, we'll get rid of an unsightly bulge.

HE GRUNTS

Yes!

Now, ladies and gentleman, I would like to sing for you

a little song about my love of the male anatomy.

It's very short. And it...

No, no, let's not sing yet.

I miss my hubby too much.

Come, come!

Out with the blades and let us...

open the box!

SHE GASPS

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, it's...

IN RUSSIAN ACCENT: No, no, Susie doesn't live here any more.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mrs Tembe!

Goodness, what did we do without mobile phones, eh?

Mrs Hollins, I'm just phoning to remind you that this is my day off.

Oh, no, no, you're all right. I've organised a temp.

Ah, probably had heralds blowing bugles in our ear holes.

What are you going to do nice?

Well, I'm spending the day in the garden centre.

I am looking forward to some quiet time on my own,

just choosing some plants.

Oh, well, have a good one and I'll see you later.

Goodbye.

Mrs Tembe!

Oh, Ms Hill.

I thought it was you. I'd know that face anywhere.

Well, I have had it all my life.

So, what brings you here?

Well, I just saw you over the road.

Thought I'd come and join you.

£8.38...

£8.39...

Well, like Ronnie Corbett, I appear to be a little bit short.

-I can pay next week, honestly.

-OK. Next week.

Hang on!

What?

Haven't I seen you on the telly?

I don't know. I can't actually see out through the screen.

No, it's you!

I used to love your magic shows back in the '80s.

Oh, well, thank you for liking me 30 years ago.

I still do have a pulse, you know?

-Do a trick.

-What?!

I don't know... Make something disappear.

I can think of one thing I'd like to make...

OK, then. Madam, have you such a thing as a mobile phone on you?

Of course you do. You've been yabbering on it

for the past five minutes. Thank you.

And from you I'd like a brown paper bag.

And, oh, from you, young man,

-I require one of those hobnail boots. Come on. Pronto.

-OK.

Thank you. Yes, just right.

Now, ladies and gentleman, the mobile phone.

One of the great wonders of the modern age.

But how do we stop it from getting on everyone's nerves, eh?

I'll show you how.

SHE YELLS

This is a trick?

No, dear, it's not a trick, it's a miracle.

I'm freeing you from unwanted calls.

And stopping you from annoying everyone else around you.

You mad bat!

Oh, calm down, dear.

Why don't you have a mint imperial?

What have you done with my phone?!

You've been the victim of reverse pick-pocketing.

Have a look in your coat.

That's impossible.

No, my dear, that's magic!

Now, just you be careful how you use it in future.

That was amazing! How'd she get the sweets in there?

And how did she manage to...

Where's my phone?

How do you know which ones to choose?

Well, you just look at the label, see how much light it will receive,

the moisture, the pH balance of the soil.

Well, I have a few more things to get,

but it was lovely bumping into you.

Oh, no, I can't bear to think of you all alone on your day off.

I'll come round and help you carry things.

Oh, no, I could not possibly put you to all that trouble.

It's no trouble at all.

My kids are off to a holiday club. I've got nothing else to do.

I can't believe the nerve of the woman.

I knew who she was cos I recognised her from off the telly.

Who was she?

Susie Vine.

You know, from the Vine & Weevil Show.

What?

It was really funny. They were a husband and wife double act,

but they argued all the time.

It was all for fun cos you knew that they really loved each other.

There was one episode where she ran him over in a double-decker bus.

-Sounds hilarious.

-They were, actually.

Until it all went horribly wrong on live TV.

I don't remember that.

It must be online.

"Vine and Weevil Live TV Disaster."

There you go.

So, her husband is locked in the magic cabinet.

And she slides the blades in.

Don't tell me she accidentally performs a live vasectomy.

Not quite. But for some reason, she opens the door a little early.

And when she opens it up...

Sorry, what's that girl doing down there?

She appears to be playing with his magic wand.

She used to help him in and out of the magic box.

Apparently they used to amuse themselves

when Susie was doing her stand-up routine.

Oh, the poor cow.

Not that I've forgiven her, but blimey, live on TV!

And that was the end of their marriage and career.

She was last seen chasing him off the stage with a Samurai sword.

Pause it there.

I've done Botox on her.

-Really?

-Yep, I never forget a face.

Especially if I've stuck needles in it.

So, would you have her contact details?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hello, kiddies!

You must be the husband. You seem like a decent sort.

Solid and dependable.

Lucky cow.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

You wanted to see me?

I'm thinking of getting a CCTV camera for home.

Which one should I get?

OK, long answer, none of them. Short answer, also none of them.

-What?

-Britain has more surveillance cameras

than anywhere else in Europe.

Does that make us safer? No, no, it doesn't.

Not when police numbers are getting cut year after year.

Forget the Guardian editorial, which one should I get?!

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Susie Vine, I know you're in there!

IN SCOUSE ACCENT: There's no-one here of that name, me lover.

OK, I'll just go to the police, shall I?

Hello. Do I know you?

You should do. You nicked my phone this morning.

Nonsense, I've not left the house all day.

But they do say everyone has a double.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Are you going to get that?

It's probably a wrong number.

Well, I'll get it then. Excuse me.

How many megapixels do you want?

Does that make a difference?

Of course it makes a difference.

Do you want a really crystal-clear image of someone you can recognise,

or just some blurry blob of a stickman.

OK, a reasonable number.

-Infrared?

-Infrared?

-Yeah, you know. Do you want night vision?

When admittedly it's not that good.

It can just look like you're watching an episode of Badger Watch.

I just want a camera that will film my property

and tell me if someone's been in it.

Why don't you just use a common or garden webcam then?

Really?

Yeah, I'll tell you what...

I will set one up outside and you will see

just how much clarity you can get from that tiny camera.

It seems to work. You haven't turned it into something.

-Why do you do it?

-Do what?

Nick other people's things. In front of a CC...what's it.

It was a moment of madness. I've never done it before.

All right, all right, so I take the odd mobile phone,

the odd set of keys, the odd Dolce & Gabbana clutch.

But it's once in a blue moon.

Really?

Shall I show you what else I've started to snaffle?

Why would you take that?

It's something to do while they're bagging up my broccoli.

But why do you do it?

Because I can.

Because I have an extraordinary gift for prestidigitation...

and not a lot to do with it.

OK, so I know what happened to you.

And it's a shame you split up with Jeremy

-and that you're not on the telly any more.

-No, it's not!

I'm glad to be free of that useless lump.

And I don't want to be on telly.

Look, I haven't even got a telly.

Who needs telly when you can watch the squirrels

burying their nuts in the garden?

Or nick phones.

Anyway, I'm glad the gormless little Grinch is finally gone.

He was always a fat-headed parasite gorging off my talent.

Do you know what the little non-entity is doing now? Eh?

I'll show you.

"Uncle Jeremy's Magic Hour.

"Conjuring tricks for the kiddies at Letherbridge Library."

Oh, God, I bet that's so embarrassing.

And for my next trick, I shall lose every ounce of my self-respect.

Oh, wow, a magician who does tricks instead of thieving things.

Yes, well...

DOORBELL RINGS

Hold on.

Susie Vine?

Who wants to know?

I'm here on behalf of Gorman & Hadden.

I believe you owe them £75.70.

Hm. Do I?

Well, mea culpa, mea culpa.

I've probably spent that money on fripperies like food and water.

In that case, we are authorised to remove objects

up to the value of the amount you owe.

I don't think the house is worth that much, but come in anyway.

Make yourselves at home.

Come, come.

What's mine is yours, apparently.

So, you see? Even with a relatively low-resolution camera

you can still make out people's faces.

Indeed. It's Toni and Daniel.

What are they doing?

TANGO MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, yes, fine. Who needs electric lights, eh? Hm?

I can probably find a jar of glow worms from somewhere.

Ah, good. Thank you, cos I don't need chairs.

No, I am far too active to be sitting around all day.

Thank you, off you go.

Good idea. What would I want with that coffee table, hm?

I can't even afford coffee. Ha!

Farewell, coffee table.

Oh, thank you.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-How was that for you?

-Not bad.

-You managed to avoid my toes completely this time.

-Nice.

I think we're moving in the right direction.

I think we are.

Well, there you go.

I was born with nothing.

And I'm going to die with nothing.

You know, if you're having problems with debt

there are people you can talk to about, you know...

advice lines and stuff.

Darling, I'm extremely well off. I'm practically rolling in it.

So why did the bailiff take your furniture?

I can't be bothered with bills and banks and direct debits.

It's much easier to refuse to pay,

-and then let them remove any unwanted electricals.

-Really?

Look, I had some trouble last year and I walked out on my husband.

I thought I'd be fine and I'd cope on my own,

but some people are better in a double act, aren't they?

You need somebody who can understand what you're going through.

Yes, well I'm not sure anybody can understand my problems because...

..no-one feels pain like a magician.

You see, we know there's no such thing as magic.

You ordinary mortals, you can cross your fingers

and say a quick prayer as you choose your lucky numbers.

But we know it's all just smoke and mirrors.

We've spent our entire lives creating illusions.

So only we know that life is one great yawning chasm,

and we all die alone and bitter.

Well, if only a magician can feel your pain,

why don't you hook up with one?

Who did you have in mind? Paul Daniels? Ali Bongo?

You know who.

Funny how you kept his flyer, isn't it?

Oh, no.

No, no, I am not going to sit and watch his pile of...

-Sugar?

-No, thanks. I have to watch my weight.

I cannot see a single ounce of fat on you.

That's not what my ex used to say.

He used to call me Mrs Blobby.

Said he'd never have to worry about a spare tyre when I was around.

Then it is just as well that he is your ex.

Yeah, I suppose. I feel sorry for my kids, though.

Every child should have a proper dad.

How old are they?

Sam's 12 and Toby's 13.

Just getting to the age when they only communicate in grunts.

They're good kids, though.

How long have you been looking after them by yourself?

I've never been completely by myself.

I've had the church and good friends.

I could have done with a bit more support from Derek,

but some people have it a lot worse.

I have really enjoyed spending time with you.

Me too! It's been really interesting.

You know everything about plants. You know all about cooking.

You're like a walking encyclopaedia.

But there is something I wanted to ask you about.

Oh, yes?

Josh.

I don't know how you talked me into this.

Is it all mind control? Are you Derren Brown?

Aren't you a bit curious to see him?

Well, I know what he looks like.

Oh, good, a fire alarm.

If it gets too embarrassing, I can smash the glass

and stage a mass evacuation.

Hello, Letherbridge!

Oh, dear, the passage of time has been horribly cruel.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I can't hear you!

Try turning your hearing aid up, then.

Hello, Letherbridge!

ALL: Hello!

That's better.

Now for my first trick, I'm going to need a volunteer.

But not just any volunteer... I need a rabbit.

I need a double vodka.

Now, I have a rabbit here called Starsky.

But right now, Starsky is in his hutch.

Starsky, hutch, you get it?

One for the mums and dads, there.

Right, shall we see if he's awake?

Abracadabra, abracadee. Awaken, my bunny, and come unto me!

He used to do that when we were married.

He just seems to blow hot and cold.

He said we'd go on a date, but he never got back to me.

And it's so long since I've been with someone,

so I don't know...

Is he actually interested in me,

or does he just see me as some charity case?

So, Starsky was in his hutch, but where is he now?

Let's have a look, shall we?

He's dead!

No, darling, he's just asleep.

Oh, no.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm ever so sorry.

He had a good innings.

96 years old in rabbit years.

I'm so sorry but we're going to have to have a little interlude

if you don't mind, please.

Extraordinary!

It's not just an amazing trick, a metaphor for his entire career.

Why don't you just go and have a word with him?

And say what? Give him recipe for rabbit soup?

This is all very difficult.

I know that Mr Robson is fond of you,

but he has been through a great many storms in his life.

Mrs Tembe, I do know all about his background.

You do?

I know what he did.

And it scares the living daylights out of me.

But if you believe in the Bible, we have to forgive,

to love the sinner, and give people a second chance.

Well, yes, but...

And I've got you, and Viv, and the whole of the church community.

I really think we can make a go of things, if he wants to.

Even so, you will have to take things very slowly.

He is, in many ways, a very fragile man.

Yeah. And I'm a tough one. Not a man, but tough.

Well, in that case, I wish you the very best.

I have known Mr Robson for a few months

and I think you are very well-suited.

Perhaps it is God's will that He has brought the two of you together.

I just hope he is interested in me, and not just being kind.

Oh, the look on his face!

Like a rabbit caught in headlights.

I don't know how you can find it so funny.

Oh, darling, it's a gift.

Being able to take pleasure from others' sufferings.

At least he's doing something with his life.

Oh, yes, that's right. Traumatising children.

I do hope somebody puts it on YouTube.

"Morbidly obese magician murders his rabbit."

They could put it next to the other one.

"Magician has it off with his lovely assistant."

You've never forgiven him, have you?

I mean, I'm not sure that I would.

But he was young, he was off the telly.

You know, I mean... it was just a stupid fling.

It wasn't the fling.

It was the fact he ruined a wonderful career

that took us ten years to build.

But there we go. His timing was always terrible.

-And don't you think he's suffered enough?

-Oh, far from it.

I'm going to be thrusting my sword in his cabinet till the end of time.

He may be a joke, but at least he's trying.

He's not some kleptomaniac conjuror

who's wondering around in dark glasses

worried that somebody is going to recognise her

from when she was a hit.

See, I don't know either of you,

but when I used to watch you on the telly, I just thought...

I just that that you were great together.

And maybe the reason you haven't had so much luck on your own

is cos you were meant to be.

In a few years' time,

you're going to be as dead as his rabbit.

And there's going to be nobody left to miss you,

and that's tragic.

OK, everyone, thanks for coming back...

Those of you that did.

And I'm sorry about the unpleasantness with Starsky.

But I'd like to think he's up there in bunny heaven, hopping around,

looking down on us.

And for my next trick,

I'd like a volunteer from the audience.

-Anyone?

-I will.

# You can do magic

# You took the raindrops that filled my eyes...

What's the matter?

Cat got your...

Hold on.

# You made the grey skies turn blue

# You can do magic

# You took a heart that was broken...

Hello, everyone.

My name is Susie,

and today, Jeremy and I will be...

..up to our old tricks.

SHE SOBS AND BLOWS NOSE

# You can do magic...

Now, some people like vanilla ice cream.

But I like rainbow ice cream.

-All I've got here is an empty bag.

-But I want a present.

Oh, well...

# Magic, magic, magic

SHE GASPS

I want another present!

# Love is never tragical when you got the magical... #

Kazam!

APPLAUSE

-Oh, hello, what've you been buying?

-What business is that of yours?

I was only asking.

It's a CCTV system. Bought for home use.

Ah, yeah. Rob said you'd been asking about home security.

What? What did he say?

He said, "Heston's been asking about home security."

So much for confidentiality.

So...it's been a while.

Yes, well, I thought it was time we built bridges.

Over troubled water.

Though that's just water under the bridge now.

Do you do much magic?

Oh, well, I try not to, but they keep plaguing me.

You know, "Please come and work on BBC One, BBC Two...

"three, four, five."

Of course, you could always do a guest spot with me if you want.

Yes...yes, I might be tempted.

So, how are things?

Not bad. Keeping busy.

I have something to give you.

What is it?

It is just a few pounds

so you can take Ms Hill out on a date one evening.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

I insist.

You told me you could not afford to take her out,

and it would be such a shame when you are so well-suited.

-So, please.

-No, Mrs Tembe. There's no way I can take this.

-Oh!

-Hello!

-I need someone to examine me. You'll do.

-No, no, no!

-Feel this.

-What?!

It's my heart.

For the first time in 22 years it's beating.

-Does that mean you're back with...

-No, no, not quite.

I'm going to make him suffer for a little while longer,

but any day soon, his toothbrush will be next to my toothbrush.

-That's great!

-It is!

And now I know I was wrong when I said there's no such thing as magic.

Love is magic.

That strange force that can put things back together

long after they've been sawn in half.

That can make you feel like you're flying above an audience

without the need of a safety net.

So, yes, we are going to give it another go,

I just hope we don't make the same mistakes as last time.

Oh, no, you won't.

Cos they do say that it's better second time round, don't they?

But please.

No, I can't take any more of your charity.

Think of it as a long-term loan.

When you get your Michelin-star restaurant

you can cook me a six-course meal with a glass of champagne.

OK. Thank you.

HE SNIFFLES

Are you all right?

Yeah. It's just these onions.

Yep. It's working.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-What brings you here?

Oh, that's nice.

You're only interested if I'm a hardened criminal.

Not true, always a pleasure.

Well, I know that you're working all hours

so I have brought you sarnies,

a Scotch egg, and a little bit of lemon drizzle.

Is there something in the water in Letherbridge today?

-What do you mean?

-About an hour ago this woman turned up

with a bin liner filled with handbags, dumped them on the desk

and left before we had the chance to talk to her.

And now you've brought all these goodies.

-Cheese and pickle?

-Yeah.

The world's greatest double act.

One of the best.

I think someone may have sabotaged my security equipment.

Would you go and check on her for me? It's just round the corner.

Mate, I can't.

Please! I'm going out of my mind!

-Hazel?

-Get out of my house!

Whoa! All right, I'm going.

Well, if I knew how they were doing it,

I wouldn't be phoning you, would I?!

Fine!