Eppur Si Muove Doctors

All right?

So, Mr Hardwick.

Constable Hollins.

Yeah, it has been a long time, hasn't it?

Can't say I miss the old place.

Can't say the old place misses you, to be honest.

That was all a misunderstanding, Robert.

If you say so.

I want to report an assault.

Yeah, about that...

I have an independent witness.

What happened, exactly?

Well, a client of mine.

Couldn't take a joke, refused to pay my legitimate fees.

Then he threw a vase at me.

Big Chinese thing. Probably worth a fortune.

It could have killed me!

-This client of yours, that would be Dr Heston Carter?

-That's him.

Nasty piece of work, if you want my professional opinion.

There has to be some logical explanation.

Yep, that's just what I was thinking.

There has to be some logical explanation why

you are in my interview room.

Oh, that's just nonsense. I'm talking about this morning.

And I'm talking about a member of the public who wants to press

charges against you for assault.

This is serious, Heston.

I appreciate that.

Do you?

I do. But you have to understand the unusual circumstances.

Early this morning I persuaded an angry salesman not to pursue

you for harassment and for slander.

And now I've got Phil Hardwick,

of all people,

claiming that you threw a Ming vase at his head.

You know he was an ex-copper?

I would never throw a Ming vase at anyone.

The damage would be incalculable.

It was a cheap reproduction, belonged to my mother.

Sentimental value only.

I don't care if it's a knock-off or a priceless antique,

you are still facing an assault charge!

This could be the end of your career, Heston!

-What happened?!

-Well...

Out! Before I throw you out!

You're insane!

I threw a vase at his head.

It was just a vase.

But you threw it at his head?

-I did.

-Why?

You've met the man - a loathsome individual!

OK, let's go back to the beginning.

Just after eight o'clock this morning you called me,

at home, insisting that I attend an incident at your house.

Rob, sorry to disturb you at this ungodly hour.

You're in uniform.

-I didn't mean this to be an official visit.

-Don't worry about that.

I can be as private or as official as you like.

What can I do for you, Heston?

Well, the thing is, my home has been violated.

Someone entered my house last night, when I was asleep.

Oh, dear, what's been taken?

Nothing. And this is not the first time.

Not the first time that nothing's been taken?

Not the first time I have suffered an invasion of this sort.

For the last few nights, I have been aware of an unauthorised presence.

Do you mean ghosts?

Do I look insane?!

-Any sign of forced entry?

-No.

-And nothing's been taken?

Not as yet. But after this morning...

What happened this morning?

A clue?

Are you saying that your mystery intruder dropped this in the house?

No, he dropped it through the letter box yesterday,

when he visited me under the pretext of me changing my energy supplier.

Is that funny?!

Well, you said this has been going on for several nights.

You see, he visited when Julia was here a few years ago.

And he could have picked up the keys then.

Julia? That's a long time ago.

He's playing the long game.

You need to check him out.

Alex Bolton, talk to his so-called employers, he's probably got a criminal record.

This doesn't sound logical.

Let me be the judge of that, Sergeant Hollins.

I'll see what I can do.

And I did. I checked him out.

I know, I know!

There was no need for any of this.

None of it.

If you take that with you.

-And the tuna?

-Oh, yes, it's on its way. I'll bring it to the table.

I will come back another time when you are not so busy.

No, no, no. It's OK.

It's always like this lunchtime. There's the letherbridge Local History Society and the

St Bernadette's Bell-ringers, all fighting over the last piece of quiche!

You seem to have everything under control.

I could do with another pair of hands, actually.

Oh, well, they are here!

Oh, great! Thank you.

I still don't see how you ended up having anything to do with

a scumbag like Phil Hardwick.

-It was Haluk's idea.

-Who's Haluk?

Haluk Ulusoy.

Oh, please, come on.

Haluk Ulusoy. He's my locksmith.

I'm having my locks changed.

Very wise.

-He is.

-He's a very wise man.

Security is about more than bolts and window locks.

If the soul is disturbed, the body cannot feel secure.

That is so true.

Do you feel safe in this house?

Well...

I can wrap your home with steel.

But the fear lies within you.

You think I'm imagining it?

What do you imagine?

Sometimes I think...

..there are people...

..here...

..at night in the dark.

Little people?

"Little people"? You mean, Fairies?

Fairies, elves, Borrowers.

Borrowers are in a book for children.

And fairies and elves aren't?

I don't follow you.

The rational mind seeks a rational explanation.

And the irrational mind?

Oh, no, no. You misunderstand me.

We seek a rational explanation, but we do not always find it.

And then the irrational soul draws upon nightmares

and fairy tales to explain the inexplicable.

Spirits and poltergeists.

You considered them?

-I have.

-And worse?

Oh. Much worse.

-Sometimes I wonder...

-What?

..if...I'm losing my mind.

Well, then my window locks will not help.

What do I do?

Do you believe you have an infestation of elves,

-fairies and Borrowers?

-No.

-Do you believe you are in your right mind?

-Yes.

Well, then...somebody has been in your house while you sleep.

You just need to find out who.

And for that you do not need a locksmith.

You need a private investigator.

But you've got a mate in the force.

Who refused to take my concerns seriously!

How did you end up with Hardwick?

Did you just randomly pick a name out of the Yellow Pages?!

Thank you for your call, Dr Carter.

This is me, Philip Hardwick.

22 years in the Force, 12 of those in CID.

My knowledge, my experience and my time are at your disposal.

Excellent, Mr Hardwick. A cup of tea?

Let's just crack on, shall we?

Indeed.

You want me to track down this salesman who came to your door.

Alex Bolton of West Midlands Energy.

I need you to find proof that he's been breaking into my home

at night.

Why would he do that?

£500 a day plus expenses.

There are cheaper PIs, I could give you names.

Can't say I'd recommend them, though.

No, I'm sure that your rates reflect your diligence and efficiency.

I like that. I should put that on my business card.

-So, five hundred, it is. Plus VAT, of course.

-Of course.

-Cash in hand.

-How much?!

-I know, I know.

And you just got it out your wallet?!

I know, Haluk warned me not to be hasty.

"The wise man treads softly," he said.

But you thought you'd ignore it.

Well, I wasn't getting much support from you.

-I don't suppose this looks very good, does it?

-Nope.

But I am on your side, Heston.

I shouldn't really say that, and, if this does get serious,

then I'll probably have to hand you over to another colleague.

I understand.

But while it is me sitting here, being all sympathetic,

let's go over your little run-in with Mr Bolton.

-The salesman.

-Yeah, the salesman.

Can I just confirm...

Will you sit back and keep out of sight!

Can I just confirm that your process for tracking down Mr Bolton

was fully compliant with the Data Protection Act?

Why don't I just take you home, Dr Carter?

There's really no need for you to tag along.

I'm not "tagging along".

I want to see what he gets up to.

Well, so far, I would describe him as a desperate, hard-core,

seasoned, sales rep.

Well, I found him distinctly sinister.

What's he up to now?

Looks like he's handing over a business card.

That's exactly what he did at my house.

It's all forming a pattern.

Yeah, I'm beginning to get the bigger picture.

Look! He's casing the joint!

-What are you doing?!

-In the act! I've caught him in the act!

This is covert surveillance!

Dr Carter!

Dr Carter?

Bang to rights! I believe that's the expression.

-What are you doing?

-Who's he?

Your next victim, I presume.

It's Mrs Johnson. I've just booked her in for an Energy Review.

I saw you checking out the windows.

I was seeing if she had double glazing.

That's exactly what you did in my house.

Which is what, exactly?

You're supposed to be on my side. I pay you enough.

-What am I supposed to have done?

-You know very well.

-Tell me.

-You broke into my house and you moved things.

-Dr Carter...

And you're going to do the same here. I'm going to speak to Mrs Johnson.

-No! You can't do that.

-You watch.

I'm sorry, but if you say one word of this to my client, I will sue you for libel.

Well, that's slander, actually.

Whatever. I'll call the police...

OK. Why don't we phone Sergeant Hollins,

he knows all about the case.

In fact, I have his number, why don't I give him a ring?

-You know Hollins?

-I certainly do.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Heston, I was just about to call you.

Yeah, Alex Bolton, your energy salesman...

-We've caught him red-handed!

-What, really?

I decided to take matters into my own hands and we have him cornered.

No, no, no, Heston, I've spoken to his boss, he's legit.

'No criminal record.'

-But he's casing the joint.

-Heston?

This man is harassing me! He shouldn't be allowed out without his meds!

Do you hear me, Sergeant? He needs locking up!

DOOR OPENS

I've had a word with him.

And, luckily for you, he's not going to press charges.

Thank you.

What were you thinking of?

I wish I knew, Rob.

It's all been a bit much, to be honest.

-Do you mind if I ask you something?

-No, of course not.

It's about Claire.

Oh, she is a very charitable lady. A good Christian woman.

I was thinking about asking her out.

She hinted...heavily.

I suppose that is not so very surprising.

What do you think, do you think I'm ready?

No.

I mean, I am not sure.

Well, you said I'd come a long way.

-Well, you have.

-Well, then?

Well, you will have to tell her.

-She knows.

-Really?!

Yes.

I am surprised.

Surprised that I told her,

or surprised that she's still talking to me?

Just surprised. You have caught me by surprise, that is all.

She likes me.

Of course she does. But you have to be careful.

Right, let's put all the harassment stuff to one side for the moment,

just don't go near him,

I mean, like, ever again,

and try and figure out how you ended up coming to throw

a vase at Hardwick?

It was all one ineluctable chain of events,

Never a dull day in this job.

How much do I owe you?

Oh, I was just beginning to enjoy myself.

It's not always the most exciting job,

but you have been entertaining.

Oh, is that how you see it?

Well, you've got to laugh, Dr Carter, or else you'll cry.

-How much?

-You're not giving up?

Well, it wasn't him, evidently.

No. But it was someone.

I no longer require your services.

Suit yourself. That'll be five hundred quid.

-You've done less than two hours' work!

-I charge by the day.

All you have done is help me make a complete and utter fool of myself.

I'm just following my client's instructions.

Fine. I want my money's worth.

You're the boss. What's next?

You're the expert. What do you suggest?

I suggest we go back to visit the scene of the crime.

What crime? That's what I can't get my head round.

What were you trying to prove?

"Trespass, with malicious intent"?

Yes. It not be on the statute book, but it is a crime nevertheless.

So somebody is breaking into your home...

They're not "breaking in" exactly. There's no forced entry.

So somebody is letting themselves into your home,

doing stuff maliciously.

-That is correct.

-OK.

I think you were on the right lines with this salesman.

Is there anyone else who has access to the building or keys?

Haluk. The locksmith.

And it's not the first time at this property!

Well, there you go.

He was a recommendation from Julia, the previous owner.

He did some work for her a few years ago.

Sounds like a classic case.

They play the long game, these individuals.

Even if he didn't actually do it himself,

he could have sold on the keys and the address.

And he had the temerity to sit in my kitchen,

drinking freshly ground coffee offering me karmic advice.

The cheek of it!

What do we do?

-We confront him.

-Absolutely.

You have got some nerve.

In what way?

Hand over the keys.

But I haven't finished yet.

Not the new keys. The old keys. Julia's keys.

The ones you used to let yourself into my house last night.

Dr Carter, when you became a doctor, you swore an oath.

The Hippocratic oath.

It is a very part of your soul.

Can you ever imagine breaking it?

I fail to see the significance of what you're trying...

-Would you break it?

-Of course not.

It's the sacred bond between a doctor and his patient.

I am not a doctor.

I am only a locksmith.

And locksmiths don't have Hippocratic oaths.

But it hurts me deeply to think that you could think that

I would abuse the trust that you have placed in me.

Who else could it be?!

You had the means and the opportunity.

And my motivation?

I am the guardian of your security. I am a locksmith.

I am your servant, and I would never betray you.

-Not him, then.

-Shut up!

Have you got anyone else on your list of suspects?

-What about the milkman?

-Shut up.

-Or the paperboy!

-You are shameless!

Oh, don't you start on me now!

I may not have a...hypocritical oath, but I am sworn to protect

you against the forces of evil, be your champion, your guardian.

-Get out.

-I can save you, Dr Carter.

I can save you from the things that go bump in the middle of the night!

Get out of my house.

Not without my fee.

Get out! Before I throw you out!

You're insane!

Thank you. Enjoy your bell-ringing.

I thought the Devon scones had finished.

-I kept this one hidden.

-Aw.

Here, I'll clear those, you sit down and enjoy your scone.

It is very kind.

You don't think that someone like me

should even think about getting into a relationship, do you?

How do you feel about her?

I like her.

And do you have any of "those" feelings about her?

No! Of course not.

Are you sure? You do not... fantasise about her?

-Mrs Tembe!

-I have to ask!

Obviously, we'd have to take things slowly.

That would be for the best.

So you think there might be a possibility?

Reverend Marchant and I have touched on the possibility at some stage.

So Viv thinks it might be OK?

Well, we feel that there is a place in your life for a normal

relationship at some point in the future.

I see.

Do you think you are ready?

I think so.

Well, perhaps you are ready to take the first step.

Maybe you could take her to the cinema.

Or a musical concert.

No? Or a nice meal in a restaurant.

Mrs Tembe, I can't afford any of that.

It need not be expensive.

I was not thinking. I'm sorry.

Oh, no. It's not your fault, is it? It's me.

I don't know what I'm thinking of.

What with everything else, I don't have a proper job.

I've got no mates, no future.

I'm not exactly a good catch, am I?

You don't understand. You see, when something like this happens...

Something like what?

The vase.

The vase? The vase you threw at Hardwick?

Yes, the one I threw at Hardwick,

Well?

It moved.

Last night it was on the table.

But this morning, it was on the stairs.

It's not just the vase.

The vase was last night, but there have been other occasions.

Books moved from their shelves, food eaten, milk drunk out of the fridge.

It's not in my mind.

There's no-one living secretly in the attic and, as for ghosts...

-How long has this been going on?

-A few weeks.

And it's not kids, it's not someone playing some kind of prank?

How would they get in?

Are you absolutely sure?

A vase can't have a life of its own.

Eppur si muove.

Oh, yeah. And what does that mean?

"Eppur si muove."

It's what Galileo said when the Inquisition forced him

to acknowledge that the Earth was the centre of the universe.

"And yet...it moves."

Right. Well, I don't know anything about that.

But what I do know is a couple of CCTV cameras in your house

would settle things once and for all.

-CCTV.

-Mm-hm.

CCTV...

Thank you.

We have survived the lunchtime rush.

-You will be able to manage the rest of the afternoon by yourself, I think.

-Yep.

Do not give up before you have even started.

It is perfectly normal to have doubts.

When you have been single for a long time,

the thought of a new relationship can be very frightening.

Miss Hill is a lovely woman.

She does not care about money.

Provided you are careful, I think she would be good for you.

You always see the best in people, Mrs Tembe.

It is always there. Sometimes it just needs encouragement!

BELLS RING IN BACKGROUND

About time.

I'm not a monster, Hollins. If he wants to apologise and compensate

me for my time and for personal injury, I'll happily let it slide.

Yeah, I'm sure you would.

And...

As I understand it there's a new requirement coming in

that PIs have to have a proper licence.

Follow a professional code of conduct.

Encouraging an apparently delusional man into an expensive

and unnecessary investigation.

Doesn't sound very professional to me.

Nice one.

Shall we let it slide?

Enjoy the sunshine while it lasts.

You never did have a sense of humour, Hollins.

Your new keys.

All of them.

Thank you. I'm sorry about earlier.

No worries.

CCTV - that's a good idea.

Not my skill set, I'm afraid, but it's a good plan.

Maybe.

Put up the cameras. Then you'll know.

What if it turns out it's all in my head?

Well...then you'll know.

And let us open the box!

I'm thinking of getting a CCTV camera for home.

Which one should I get?

OK, long answer, none of them. Short answer, also none of them.

Which one should I get!?

I'm freeing you from unwanted calls.

And stopping you from annoying everyone else.

You mad bat!