Green-Eyed Monsters Doctors

# Yeah, and we go back

# This is the moment

# Tonight is the night, we'll fight till it's over

# So we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us

# Like the ceiling can't hold us.

# Yeah, and we go back

# This is the moment

# Tonight is the night, we'll fight till it's over

# So we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us

# Like the ceiling can't hold us

# Yeah, we go back

# This is the moment

# Tonight is the night, we'll fight till it's over

# So we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us

# Like the ceiling can't hold us

# This is the moment

# Tonight is the night, we'll fight till it's over

# So we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us

# Like the ceiling can't hold us. #

I'm telling you, they were all over me.

Couldn't get enough of the big bad wolf.

It was like bees around a honey pot.

-Yeah, but only two?

-Here we go.

At one wedding, I got off with the bride, kissed the bridesmaid

-and seduced the maid of honour, and all before they'd cut the cake.

-But this was back in the '80s?

-So?

Pre-Smartphones. Pre-social media. Prehistoric.

I've still got it, pal.

But you wouldn't dare use it, cos Zara would have them for earrings.

That's true.

-Are you ever going to grow up?

-No-one's thrown a lasso around my neck,

so why shouldn't I play the field?

-Good morrow.

-Hi, Heston.

And what a splendid morrow it is. The sun is shining.

The birds are singing.

And I am in the finest company.

-What's that?

-A little something to spice up the lunch break.

Ooh, I love a mystery box.

Too big for ping pong.

-Too small for a bouncy castle.

-Go on. Give us a clue.

You'll have to curb your enthusiasm for a few more hours.

-Whack-A-Rat?

-Colder.

Pop-up tennis?

Another text from Zoe.

Sexy selfie. Nice.

She's not just an eight or a nine. She is off the scale.

Oh! And here's the other lucky lady.

Oh, my goodness! You'd have to be a contortionist to do that.

Like bees to honey.

Hello, can I help?

Is Kevin available?

Do you mean Doctor Tyler?

If he's about this high.

Dark hair, snake hips, come-to-bed eyes?

Uh-huh. That's one way of describing him.

I need to see him as a matter of urgency.

Are you registered with us, Mrs...?

Simson. And it's Ms. And no, I'm not a patient.

But I have got this terrible pain here.

He said he'd give me something for it.

-You have to fill in a registration form.

-Whatever it takes.

Just keep it elevated and I'll see you next week.

There he is. Doctor Disco!

-Jenny.

-Jacqui.

-Of course. I was only teasing. What are you doing here?

Remember?

Thought we could finish off what we started last night.

Er, yes. You'd better come through to my room.

Somewhere more private. Good idea.

Mr Costa's waiting.

Five minutes.

SHE MOUTHS

Hmm. Cosy.

I said I'd call.

Thought you'd enjoy the surprise.

And I have, but I've got patients waiting.

Don't you want to examine me, Doctor?

Are you ill?

I couldn't sleep last night. And I'm so very, very hot.

I think I need a full thorough examination.

-Here?

-Yes.

-Now?

-Why not?

Someone could come in at any minute.

And doesn't that get your blood pumping? Let me hear.

Boom boom, boom boom, boom boom.

I'm free tonight.

But I want you now.

I'll call you later.

-Your lips are saying no, but...

-I finish at six.

It'll be better if we can really take our time.

I'll be counting the minutes.

Printer ink?

We're running low on black. And we need more pens.

What? Is somebody eating them?

Just keep it wrapped up and I'll see you very soon.

Oh, I'll keep it warm for you, lover.

Seemed like a satisfied customer.

Must be my bedside manner.

So he said, "Doctor, one day I feel like a tepee

"and the next day I feel like a wigwam".

-I said, "I know your problem. You're

-two tents."

-I'm here all week.

What's this? A joke with every consultation?

Well, laughter is often the best medicine.

If only that were true. Seems to be working for you, though.

I was getting obsessed with all that security stuff.

Burglar behind every bush.

Well, it's good to have you back.

Bran flakes or porridge?

I don't mind.

You've always complained if you haven't got your oats.

Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.

I just wondered if you've got time to practise later?

Oh, er...I'm not sure.

Only I don't think I've been surrendering myself enough to you.

Well, and I've been too open.

I don't think I've been holding you close enough.

-We can go through the whole routine, if you like.

-What time were you thinking?

Lunchtime? Unless you guys have got other plans?

I wouldn't dream of depriving you of your little hobby.

Lunchtime it is.

Are you OK about this?

About what exactly?

Me taking up all of Daniel's spare time.

Of course. You need some fun and so does Daniel.

Boys need their toys, fast cars.

Trains, their little distractions and so do girls. Enjoy yourselves.

See you next week, Mr Dove.

Right. That's me done.

Time to spruce up a little bit.

You spend more time in front of the mirror than I do.

Nature's been good to me.

It's my duty to womankind to keep it that way.

Have you missed me?

Er...yes. Every minute.

So what are you going to do about it?

Give me a mo. I'll think of something.

Time's up. I'm taking you to lunch.

Get your coat. You've pulled.

Wow! All of this for me?

Oh, I think you're worth it.

So what are we drinking to?

What else? To us.

To us.

-Where are you going?

-Just going to phone in.

Tell them we're having a long lunch.

-Jacqui! What...?

-You are here. Wonderful!

-How did you know?

I phoned in. Your receptionist said you were here.

-Thanks, Karen.

-I couldn't wait any longer.

-But I'm...

-On your lunch break. I know.

I've got to get back.

Surely you can wait ten minutes?

Or should I make other plans for tonight?

No, I can spare ten minutes.

Knew you couldn't resist.

The best tables are outside.

I don't mind a bit of alfresco.

-On second thoughts, there's a pub just down the road.

-I like it here.

But there might be wasps.

Don't worry. I'll protect you.

So what would you like to drink?

The wine can wait. I'm starving.

What's good here?

The three-leaf salad.

If you're worried about putting on weight, don't worry.

We'll burn it all off later. So what do you fancy?

The full three courses?

Why don't we skip the dessert AND the starter?

Oh, no. That will never do it.

As you're going to find out, I'm a woman of large appetites, Kevin.

-Excuse me.

-I'm just going to pop to the little boys' room.

How ripe are your avocados?

TANGO MUSIC

-So, where were we?

-Two pastas of the day.

I ordered for both of us. Didn't want to waste any time.

-Looks great.

-Don't forget to leave room for your dessert.

I thought you were a sticky toffee kind of guy!

TANGO MUSIC

I hope you're not always such a quick finisher!

I didn't come here for the food.

Sorry. That'll be work.

-I didn't hear anything.

-Got it on vibrate.

I'll be as quick as I can.

What's this?

Avocado delight. They're a well-known aphrodisiac.

Who knew?

Creamy.

Melt in the mouth, or what?

I took charge. Ordered for both of us.

Let me guess? Pasta of the day?

Yes! See, we're kindred spirits.

You're going to need all that fuel for later.

You see, I may be vintage,

but there's a lot going on under my hood.

And once you've buckled yourself in,

there's no stopping till we've hit maximum speed!

TANGO MUSIC

-Sorry.

-That's it. No more interruptions.

-OK.

-I'm glad I went for the sorbet.

No way could I have managed that rich sauce.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

If you don't want to be here...

No, I do.

Then why does it seems like you're somewhere else?

Er...

What the hell are you doing?

Um, having lunch with my date. What about you?

-The same.

-What?

I can explain everything...

-You sneaky witch.

-I saw him first.

You knew how much I fancied him.

-Do you know each other?

-Why don't you go for someone your own age?

You're not too old for a slap, young lady.

Face it, mother. It's me he wants to be with.

Whoa! Hold on a minute! Mother?

TANGO MUSIC

That's enough, isn't it?

OK. Someone tell me what's going on?

-Last night.

-We were on the pull.

-Together?

-Mum was a total wreck after her divorce.

She had to move back home after her last boyfriend dumped her for someone else.

-I take her clubbing out of sympathy.

-I only go to protect her.

-From what?

-From all those dodgy men.

She'll go with anyone who buys her a couple of cocktails.

That's not true! She's just jealous because I get more attention than she does.

Is it any wonder? Dressed the way you do?

You can talk, with your skirt up to here and your puppies practically falling out.

At least I've got something worth showing. Maybe I should get you a boob job for your birthday.

-You'd be better off spending it on liposuction.

-Padded bras.

-Size 20.

-Immature.

-Gone to seed.

-On the shelf.

-Divorcee.

At least I got someone to put a ring on my finger.

Whoa! Ladies, time out.

You're family. You shouldn't be fighting over a man.

Even me. This stupid competition has got to stop.

-Agreed.

-There's only one way that's going to happen.

You've got to choose.

-What?

-Absolutely.

So, which one of us do you prefer?

You're both wonderful, but so different.

-You're beautiful...

-Young.

But experience can be equally attractive.

I'm sorry, I can't choose.

OK.

So it's up to us.

-Winner takes all?

-Fine!

That's not the answer.

The gloves are coming off.

May the best woman win!

I think you've cracked it.

-Really?

-Yeah. 100% improvement.

Then why are you still holding back?

We're supposed to be joined together. Hip to hip. Thigh to thigh.

I want to feel the sultry heat of a Buenos Aires night.

And you're giving me a wet afternoon in Letherbridge.

So you're saying you want to give up?

No, not now we've come this far.

Maybe you just need a little bit more motivation.

What's this?

A dance competition.

So, Len Goodman's finally sent out your invitation, has he?

It's just a local thing for beginners, but I thought...

And I'm supposed to let the great and good of Letherbridge

see my partner dirty dancing with another woman?

-Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

-Just a thought.

You do realise I was joking, don't you?

I understand if you feel a bit jealous.

Tango is a very passionate dance.

Do you really think I'd be worried about you

having your head turned by Miss Twinkle Toes?

Really, Daniel. You are priceless.

Now - are you taking me to lunch

or do you want to carry on practising your pirouettes?

CHEERING

Really? That's...

Yes, that's interesting.

Sorry? Oh, really? Discount? Lovely.

Thank you.

Sorry. I'm going to have to call you back.

OK. I won't be long, OK? Thank you. Bye.

-Goal!

-Good shot.

What in the blue blazes is going on?

I thought it was time for a change. We could sit around vegetating.

Or have a bit of fun. Get the old blood running.

She shoots!

She scores!

Loose balls in a communal area are a health and safety violation.

It's good to have the old Heston back, isn't it?

That isn't the old Heston. That's Heston mark two.

Lighten up, Howard.

A happy crew makes a happy ship.

Are you going to join us, Kevin?

-No, thanks.

-Karen's a natural.

-Heston...

-I daren't leave the ladies loose with the mallet.

That's mine!

I wouldn't be seen dead in a cheap rag like that anyway.

-Only cos you haven't got the figure for it any more.

-I'm in my prime.

Yeah, prime mutton.

We'll see which Kevin prefers.

A real woman or a stick insect.

This is what happens when amateurs try to play with the big boys.

Someone's overindulged.

Hey. At least I'm still living la vida loca.

You keep telling yourself that.

-Everything all right, Doctor Tyler?

-Never better.

Good news. Remember the dementia course that you and Doctor Reid were interested in?

-Fully booked, wasn't it?

-They've had a cancellation. Two in fact.

And at a nice little discount rate.

Obviously, Emma can't go, but if you're still interested?

-Bit short notice, isn't it?

-Problem?

He needs to clear it with "she who must be obeyed" first.

Ah. Of course.

What do you mean, of course? I don't need Zara's permission.

If Emma's place is up for grabs, I mean,

-I know I'm only here short-term, but I'd love to go.

-Excellent.

I'll need an answer from either you, or Zara, by the end of the day.

KNOCK ON DOOR

This is me working. So speak, or close the door on your way out.

OK, er...a place has become available on that course.

The dementia one? Good.

Have you booked yourself on?

It will mean a night away. A hotel.

So, you're a big boy.

You can manage to remember to brush your teeth on your own, can't you?

Toni is going to be going as well.

So? You're going on a course together.

Not sharing a bed.

I didn't come in to ask for your permission.

I should hope not.

OK, so I'm going.

Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't be with you.

So what is the problem?

What the...?

-Zoe. Paintwork!

-What do you think?

Now you can have the best of both worlds - youth and experience.

-You look...

-Gorgeous? Irresistible?

Different.

Different enough for you to choose me?

You can steal my clothes, copy my style,

but you'll never get those 20 years back, Mother.

Why go for the cheap copy when you could have the real thing?

Do we really have to do this here, now?

I'm not going anywhere until you choose one of us.

Come on, Kevin. Put her out of her misery.

Don't you think this is getting a bit out of hand?

Whoa!

Always were a drama queen.

-How long have you been feeling unwell?

-An hour?

Your pulse is a little bit fast.

-What's going on?

-Sorry, Howard. Medical emergency.

Well?

Blood pressure seems OK.

What did I tell you?

-Have you had any of these symptoms before?

-No.

You're wasting your time.

Temperature's normal.

She was like this when she was little.

-Glands aren't swollen.

-If she couldn't have her own way, she'd throw a tantrum.

I'm going to need to examine your abdomen.

Oh, why stop there? Get her stripped naked.

Does it hurt here?

Here?

It can't be lunch. We both had the same thing and I'm fine.

I told you. She's just attention-seeking.

You've no idea what it might be?

You made me a drink.

I thought it tasted funny at the time.

-What?

-You put something... Said they were sweeteners.

-This is ridiculous!

-It was those slimming pills you're always throwing down your neck.

You saying I'd poison my own daughter, over a man?

These pills. Let me see.

-You're not taking her seriously.

-The pills.

These aren't slimming pills.

Then what are they?

Anti-depressants.

What?

I've been on them ever since your dad left.

Why didn't you tell me?

It's not something I'm proud of.

Most women get over their divorces perfectly well without having to go on medication.

But I wouldn't put them in your tea.

That would be stupid.

There are only three left.

No. That can't be right. It's a new strip.

But I've only had one. Lunchtime. You saw me.

I don't understand.

That dementia course.

What about it?

-I've just told Howard that I'm in.

-Good.

And the dance competition.

You can sign me up for that as well.

You've changed your tune.

But I don't want to hear any of this "it's the taking part that counts."

If we do it, I want to win it.

They can eat our sequins.

-I need to organise further tests.

-What?

We don't know how many pills you ingested.

It's that serious?

Your condition might deteriorate.

It might even be a police matter.

But I'd never do anything to hurt you. You know that.

Do I?

What are you doing?

I need to get you to St Phil's.

Can't I just go home? Sleep it off.

-I can't take that risk.

-But I'm feeling much better.

-Do what the doctor tells you.

They can carry out a more detailed examination. Even monitor your heart.

Her heart!

Just to be on the safe side.

Three! It was only three pills.

How can you be so sure?

Because...because I put them in my tea.

You tried to poison yourself?

I thought he'd lose interest if he thought you were a psycho.

Could she have done any permanent damage?

She should be fine in the next few hours.

But she'll need to be monitored in hospital.

I'll take her.

What are we doing?

Fighting over a man. It's pathetic.

You're young. Beautiful.

You can have your pick of the men.

Can I? You were lucky.

You and dad had two decades together.

I can't get a man to commit to two months.

But when he left me, it felt like my whole life was over.

I didn't think anyone would even look at me again.

You helped me live again.

And I've loved having a new best friend.

But you need a mother.

So, will I see you both in town next weekend?

I don't think so.

You're a lovely man, Kevin.

But you're not worth losing my mum over.

Amateur.

Karen. That last patient you sent me.

-What about him?

-Very unusual case.

He said, "Doctor, you've got to help me.

"I've got a cricket ball stuck up my back passage."

And I said... "Howzat?"

Thank you and good night!

HE SIGHS

And what is dramatherapy?

It's therapy through drama.

Do you remember being pulled over by the police?

-No.

-Actually, we're not mimicking speech.

Actually, we're not mimicking speech.

-Alison, stop!

-Alison, stop!

Please.

You've got to help me!

Doug's not interested, OK. So, just back off!