Crikey! Doctors

Streuth! Fair dinkum, weighs a tonne, this. Crikey mate!

Please. Not the Crocodile Hunter. Not all day.

Woo-hoo! Isn't she a beaut!

Stop it! I'm not a furry animal!

How much Steve Irwin can we take?

Who's Steve Irwin?

Jack and Immie will have watched it...The Crocodile Hunter.

Kids loved it.

It wasn't just for kids!

Course not.

You should have a party.

No, I don't want one.

What you doing then?

Go to work this morning, then have a bit of lunch with the mum.

And then London, pick up your visa, long haul...

Karen, why don't you join us for lunch?

Got a thing with Rob.

You all right?

Me? Of course.

A cup of hot chocolate, left the spoon in for the skin.

Wish I could stay.

Go on, you'll be late.

I'm coming home for lunch.

Don't fuss. I'll be fine. We'll be fine.

I know. Number one mum.

I've wheedled out of playground duty now though so I might as well.

Bit of toast then I'm off.

Can you explain to me again why we think he can do this?

Because he's the only one with a day off and he's Chris's mate.

You're Chris' mate. You could've thrown a sickie.

I mean, come on, really, Biglow.

HOOTS LIKE AN OWL

What is this? Narnia?

You're late.

Alice In Wonderland?

Sorry, Barry.

Comrades, there are timing and logistics to go through with you,

but otherwise I am totally across the project, barring a little fluidity.

Money.

Two things.

Firstly, GPs typically earn between nigh on 54,000,

and just over £81,000 per annum...

How do you know that?

We can all Web Seek UK, Dr Haskey.

Clearly.

Practice nurses usually trouser something in the low 20s,

so put your purse away, Nurse Marquez.

Two things?

-I'll be working in cash.

-Cash?

With what I've got to do?

That'd be as much use to me as a tin of dog meat at a vegan supper party.

Right then, little big man, let's see how much agony you can

put your mother through this morning.

Shall we? Granny Fuller fed five.

She could have breast fed the Premiere League.

Yes, she could. Granny Fuller.

Fuller advice, Fuller guidance, Fuller milk.

Granny Fuller's a pain in the bum, isn't she?

Oh, yes, she is. She fed your daddy until he was three.

Squirty Gerty.

Are you hungry? I'm sorry you're hungry.

Thanks.

So, this is it then?

Are you sure that there's nothing I can say?

Do you honestly want me to bottle it?

I'm sorry, I'm just being selfish.

You're never selfish.

Chris, there's something I want to say...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

You've got to get that.

-Emma Reid.

-Ms Reid...

-Doctor Reid.

Of course, sorry, I knew that. Toby Waters.

Delighted to be your real estate professional of choice.

I'm sure you are.

4:30 at the property still OK? Absolutely fantastic location.

Yes...I'll see you then.

Excellent.

Operation Dingo Donga is good to go.

'Operation Dingo Donga!'

Operation what?

If I told you, I'd have to kill you. You've heard about Chris?

Yes, I heard. And, he's leaving after lunch.

Uncharacteristically swift of him.

Anyway, those of us that can are going to organise a little...

Thank you very much, Mrs Sidbury.

I'll be sure to check down the dunny.

It is neither a myth nor a joking matter.

Black widow spiders lurk down Australian lavatories.

I'll be on my guard.

Good.

Because I will not always be on hand

to protect you from noxious arachnids.

I am going to miss you, Nurse Reid.

-Really?

-Of course.

Will you be flying by way of Dubai?

I have some tips if you find you have a long stop over.

Book a shower cubicle, there are always too few.

Good morning, The Mill Health Centre. How may I help you?

Hello, this is Rachel Fuller. I need Nurse Marquez.

I had Harry ten days ago and I know breast is best,

and I totally want to feed him myself, but...

Can I stop you there?

What?

If baby Harry is ten days old, I'm sure that your health visitor

will be happy to assist you.

No. I don't like her. She's a cow.

Mandy promised she'd be there...

Mrs Fuller?

Never mind.

Mrs Fuller?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

All right there, Mrs Thompson?

I see your Lee's managed to get that tattoo lasered off his forehead.

I can't stop. I've got to find another way to skin a koala.

Not really, Mrs Thompson!

Crikey!

She's not as tough as what she makes out...that's all I'm saying.

She's no Dr Carmichael.

Empty nest syndrome.

Barry's not phoned has he, Mrs Tembe?

I have not spoken to Mr Biglow today.

Why do you want to see Barry?

I had a call from one of your new mothers...Rachel Fuller?

Ah, Rachel, she's lovely.

I have left a message with her health visitor, but...

No, she can't stand her health visitor.

Which one? Not the sour, granite-faced Cockney?

I'm not surprised. She thinks she's on Call The Midwife.

I think Mrs Fuller is having difficulty breast feeding.

She probably just needs a bit of bolstering, I'll pop round.

Well, don't forget to mention

our new educational campaign fronted by Zara.

We must do our breast best to help our new mothers.

Although, not many of them needed our help the other day.

Howard, imagine your nipples dry and cracked.

So dry and cracked that they bleed.

You're a new mother, and you think feeding your baby is going to feel

like rose petals settling on your breasts.

I'm here to tell you it doesn't feel like that.

Your beautiful, little baby is a ravenous, bone-gummed creature,

and you might want to feed him your milk...but your nipples?

Dear God, your nipples...

A baby might be toothless, Howard, but a baby can gnaw.

Mind you, though, if you can just get through those first few weeks.

All that bonding.

They're your babies forever, then.

DOOR SLAMS

I've got you...

..some Turkish Delights.

What? Why?

Because you love them and you can have masses of extra calories

when you're breast feeding.

Shall I?

How was school?

-Miss Rogers staged a coup and took over the hockey.

-Cow!

I know...means I've got Year Six swimming.

Sucks...you don't know how lucky you are.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll go.

Take Harry up and see if you can settle him.

Hello! Rachel?

Hey, Ben, how you doing?

You left your keys in the door.

Call me baby brains?!

BABY BREAKS WIND

Excuse you, impressive.

That's my boy.

Excuse us gents, won't you?

Mrs Tembe was concerned.

It just hurts so much.

I keep trying but I don't know if he's getting enough milk.

I don't know if he's getting anything. And, it really hurts.

Ben's so proud. He thinks I'm a proper earth mother.

I don't want him to know I'm not. Why's it so difficult?

There's lots of things we can try...

Not that health visitor woman...she bottle fed her kids. She told me.

She's kind of insulted because I don't want to bottle feed Harry.

He's so tiny. I won't give him formula.

I should be able to feed him.

Right, let's let him have another little nap, then we'll try again.

I've got some nipple spray in the car, so we can make a backup plan.

It's your choice, Rachel, nobody else's.

Every woman's different.

-I'm so inadequate.

-No.

Biglow?! That halfwit?!

Barry's a good man to have on your team.

Oh, please.

It is nice for Nurse Reid that someone is making an effort.

What effort? I say again...Biglow? Party planner?

That ridiculous little man with his colour-coded parking cones

and his polyester slacks. Have you all gone quite mad?

Cuppa, Barry?

Kevin has got Chris out of the way.

Great work, Barry, great work.

It appears, Dr Carmichael, that the lunatic has taken over the asylum.

Everything's in there.

Isn't she doing brilliantly?

I've got to get back.

-Love you.

-Bye!

Aren't you going to say anything?

Like what?

Like...it doesn't make any sense to hide things from Ben.

Like, why are you pretending everything's fine.

Like, how can he be supportive like you need him to be

if you don't tell him something's wrong.

Rachel...why don't you just tell him it's not as easy as he thinks?

What can he do? He can't feed Harry.

He would if he could.

Look...we're kicking off

a new breast feeding support group at The Mill next week...

With the horrible health visitor?

I can't cope with that opinionated cow.

No, I wouldn't do that to you. It's with Dr Carmichael.

Is she nice?

I love Turkish Delight!

Have one.

No, better not. I'm already late.

Sorry...I'll have another go when he wakes up.

You call me if you need me.

And tell Ben.

If your Dr Carmichael can't help.

Going to try her first. OK? Deal?

OK. Deal.

I've e-mailed you with an attachment but I felt a signed,

original reference was in order.

It's a good one. You're a good nurse.

Go on, you can have the last five minutes off.

You sure?

Unless you want me to find you a polyp for you to inspect?

No...

You're all right.

You too.

ALL: Woo! Yeah!

G'day, cobber!

Oh, did you do all this?

Mandy knobbled me in the co-op last night.

Doctors Haskey and Tyler stumped up.

They've been very generous after a sticky start.

Aw, guys!

I have to say...I feel underdressed.

Dr Reid, as if I'd forget you.

Oh, thank you.

We could see what's on in 3D tonight.

3D makes you feel sick.

Only when I give in to my inner old fart.

Are you sure you don't want to pop to the Icon?

I fancy pizza.

Look, I know it's hard to say goodbye...

And, I've got a right yen for garlic balls.

Chris will miss you. Whatever you say, so think about it.

Think about what?

It might be harder rather than easier

if you miss the chance to say goodbye.

Now, we are looking for a full swallow!

Spit or swallow?

That's disgusting.

Spit or swallow?

Good man!

I cannot believe you bought a dingo's privates in Letherbridge...

let alone that you had them lightly fried.

You wouldn't want a well done one, Mrs Tembe.

It's a bit of calf's liver... willie-shaped. Pardon my French.

G'day, cobbers!

Oh, no, I can't possibly act like I'm on Neighbours.

Didn't know you watched Neighbours?

Certainly don't.

Now then, young Christopher.

Don't you crumble, not when I'm so impressed

with all your gumption and your get up and go.

These are some Australian dollars.

Spend them on something wonderful or frivolous...

and know that you are missed.

Who'd have thought it?

Sorry...nipple crisis.

Have you seen Karen?

No. Are you going to do a speech?

He's about to.

I don't know what to say.

Yes, you do.

Thank you so much for this, guys!

Mandy's idea.

I thought you might have something to do with it.

My pal Mandy...

..who has never given up on me!

I could stand about for hours

and thank you all for how amazing you've been...

Shall we sit down?

..but, I'd miss my train.

I've got to say, this isn't the first happening

Baz's had a hand in organising for me.

Don't tell them about Bar Sport.

I was going to mention the double date

with the dental nurses from Northfield.

Good grief!

Teeth like gravestones!

And the divine Mrs T...

best fundraiser in the world, and a great friend.

There's someone who has done more for me than he will ever know...

..Jimmi, thanks, man.

You're all great.

I feel bad now.

It's too late, I don't think we'd make it.

I did try and tell you.

I know...but Chris is such a nice bloke.

Emma did a good job on him.

She did.

Our Jack's a nice bloke. When he left...

Anyway...

How'd you think Emma's doing?

She's fine.

Really? Missing your kids cos they've left home? It's grim.

Things change, people go, kids leave home...

Right, well, this is it then.

Mum, I don't want you to come to the train.

-But...

-Because I really love you...

That's what I wanted to say in the Icon,

but I couldn't with everyone there.

-Chris...

-Everything's easy...

..except saying goodbye to you.

I love you.

You've got to go, you've got to...please.

OK, OK...

Biglow, can I just say... all credit to you. No notice.

Bush tucker trials and outfits, such as they are...

you've even managed a hint of ambience.

I was sure you'd mess things up...

That you were going to...

Are you flinching? Why are you flinching?

I'm waiting for abuse.

Oh, you snivelling...

Uncalled for.

Biglow you're a total twerp.

I might be a twerp, but when I wake up in the morning,

you'll still be nasty.

Is that all you've got?

Aren't you short without your heels on?

So sorry, do come in.

I just don't know where today went.

Not a problem. I've got some fantastic shots

of the front of the house.

Really? Already?

That's how we sell houses, Dr Reid...

we'll put it on the market when you're ready.

It's what we in the trade call an HC.

HC?

Hot cake. We've got people lining up for properties round here.

Really?

Well we've been through a lot in this house.

My son's just left to go to Australia...

I have a lodger though. Well, she's more of a friend, really.

Anyway, it's time for a change.

Got to love the evolution.

Yes, you do.

Completely desirable.

This is the kitchen.

Obviously, why do people say that?!

This was my son's room.

Another excellent bedroom.

I thought it'd be chaos.

Wow-factor by the bucket.

The garden's fantastic. Reception room's fantastic.

Kitchen...no need to refit.

# I wanna thank you

# For giving me the best days of my life... #

He always used to call me soppy

because I always really liked that one.

Do you need a moment?

I can do the stats on the master, so I've got the details...

since I'm here anyway.

SHE WEEPS

Evening, Mother.

-Good day?

-Kind of. How about you?

Yeah, it's fine. Great.

How do you mean "kind of"?

Nothing.

-Was everything OK with the nurse?

-Fine.

Only I've been thinking...if you're feeling a little bit isolated,

with me being back at work, maybe we could ask my mum.

No!

Just to come round for a bit and, you know, help.

No. She'll tell me how she did it and how it was easy for her.

I couldn't bear it.

How what was easy for her?

Because it was. It's supposed to be easy.

-What is?

-Feeding your baby.

You are feeding the baby.

Am I? I don't think so.

I'm not sure he's getting enough milk and I feel useless.

Hey, hey...you are not useless. You are wonderful.

Do not call your ten-gallon mother.

Ten-gallon?

Sorry.

What can I do?

Just let me moan?

Spoil me over the weekend take me to The Mill on Monday.

I don't want to give up...not yet.

I need some help...sorry.

Whatever you want.

Whether you decide to put your home on the market or not, Dr Reid,

it's worth having a current market valuation.

It's...it's been an emotional day.

Moving is emotional.

I'm so sorry about before.

It's a wrench, of course it is, but look...cavernous great house,

over three floors, four bedrooms, three receptions...

is that you?

Now?

It's always been perfect.

Realise this asset... and find your new perfect.

Canal side? Somewhere funky?

The Jewellery Quarter? City living, or maybe rural?

Oh, I'm too knackered for that kind of change.

Rubbish.

You'd look great in all silver and brown leather...

or jodhpurs.

Would I?

Yeah, proper perfect.

Whoa! I don't think so!

You were flirting.

You're old enough to be my mother.

Don't be ridiculous.

You know what, just go. I'm not selling.

-I'm going.

-Good!

Whatever.

And you know...you were flirting.

I'm an estate agent! It's my job to flatter.

"Flatter"? Oh, please.

-Delusional.

-And I'm staying put.

Fine. I hope you'll be happy in your great big, lonely house.

Don't worry, I will be!

Heathrow, please, mate.

-Hello?

-You lost your mobes?

What?

I've left you loads of messages. Me and Rob were going to the pictures,

but I'm going to come home.

Did Chris get off all right?

Yes...he's probably in London by now.

-I'm coming back

-No, don't be silly.

No, you must be feeling rotten.

Please, Karen, don't worry about me.

I'm coming.

OK, I'll see you later.

I'm becoming one of those woman, aren't I?

Who lives their lives for their children. A total bore.

Hi, you all right, Rachel, how's it going?

I'm sorry, I have to go.

What have you done to your eye?

It was you!

Maybe some women just want to take the easy way out.