Banana Bite Doctors

I'll call you when we're through. See you later!

You hurt Gran, you know that?

Come on.

She doesn't have to get up and make breakfast for us, she was being nice.

We can be nice, can't we?

Can we just go?

Hey! All packed?

I hope you remembered some itty-bitty Speedos!

Not quite.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry. You're losing your baby and here's me...

It's fine. It's absolutely fine.

We're all...fine.

Apparently she's fine.

There's no point hiding them, Howard's going to find out some time.

I would like to warn him first. He does not deserve this.

They really did a number on him.

Give me that.

Mrs Tembe! Mrs Tembe!

Any sign of the papers?

Er...no.

I...I will keep a lookout.

That warned him, didn't it(?)

It was not the right time...

They're supposed to leave these on the desk.

Is that the paper?

Yeah. I haven't read that yet!

You're 15 minutes late, read it on your lunch.

Oh, no!

-Morning.

-Good morning.

-We're a little early.

No, early is good.

Our name's Kay. We just moved to the area.

And you are here to register with us?

Yes, I...

I, uh, I don't think I've got the forms with me, sorry.

That is not a problem. I have plenty of forms.

HE GRUNTS

Do you need a pen?

Yes, thanks. Thank you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Are you OK?

Of course! Why does everybody assume I'd be upset?

I didn't raise my son to hang onto my apron strings...

Yes, we know that.

Anyway, it's a good thing.

He needs to see the world and...

Well, I need to make some changes, too.

It's just part of the cycle.

You won't have to worry about empty nesting.

I should sell the house.

What?!

Chris and I talked about downsizing after Sam, but now he's going,

there's nothing to hold me back.

Yeah, but, it's a bit drastic, selling your house, isn't it?

Is it? No more drastic than him going to Australia.

You moved here...six weeks ago?

Eight. Sorry. That's my writing.

We came after...Well, after...

It says you're living with your mum?

Liam's grandma.

We just thought, with Liam's mum not here any more, it would be easier.

It's good to have the support.

I can see that you're going to my old school.

-Serious?

-Yeah.

How about that?

Good old Clovewood.

There's quite a lot of kids from there come to this practice.

They don't mind it.

He'll get used to it.

Get off!

Sorry. He's not normally...

It's fine.

Why don't we get you measured up then, buddy?

Ah, Mr Bellamy...

Schedule an emergency partners' meeting. What?

Nothing.

Morning...Champ!

I suppose you think that's funny?

What?

Dr Granger, I am shocked you'd rub this in his face!

Rub what in his face?! I don't know what's going on.

Are you trying to tell me you have not looked at the front of your own newspaper?

No! I was in a rush. What is it?

SHE SIGHS

You are going to see it eventually.

Oh!

Your BMI is a little on the low side.

Eat more chips, right, pal?

You all right?

Yeah. Something just bit me earlier.

-I think the heat in here is making it worse.

-Can I see?

Spider!

In your hood! It jumped...

I saw something.

It's a leaf, mate.

Is that what you saw?

Maybe.

Are you disappointed now?

He would have liked that...his old man carrying home a spider.

It is definitely a bite. It looks pretty inflamed.

I had a wasp sting me once and it flared up pretty bad.

Would you mind if I got a second opinion?

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Yep.

Spider bite? OK, yeah, I'm free.

Send him through. OK, cheers, Chris.

Hello, I'm calling about one of your properties...

Um...sales. Thanks.

Yes, you have a flat advertised for sale.

No, I'm not registered.

I was just making an enquiry, really.

DOOR OPENS

Yes, I do have a property to sell.

Five-bedroomed family home, in Letherbridge.

I just don't need that much space any more.

Right.

(I'll talk to you later.)

Mm-hm.

Thanks, Karen.

Oh! Yes, I suppose getting a valuation would be a good start. Let me see...

I think she's definitely upset.

I just don't think she wants people feeling sorry for her.

Yeah, well, she can be as tough as old boots sometimes.

Not about this.

You know she's talking about selling the house?

You what?

Don't get angry. She's just trying to take some control.

That is my home!

Yeah, until tomorrow.

Then it'll just be her and a load of old memories.

She's got Karen...

Chris, she's not running a boarding house, though, is she?

She could have at least waited until I got on the plane.

Look, you know her better than I do.

I'm just trying to justify...

Well, you can't, because there is no justification!

OK!

But you don't want to go all angry with her - it's supposed to

-be a fresh start, so talk to her!

-And say what?

What are you looking for?

Oh, it's nothing.

I was just checking on the slim chance there might be a spider.

You what?!

HE LAUGHS

One of my patients earlier thought he saw one. I better go and check on him...

You're not leaving me, are you?

I just said it's nothing!

Although I might be wrong, so keep a lookout.

SHE GROANS

You're not aware of any allergies?

No. It's really burning.

You don't suppose it could be a spider bite, could it?

Maybe. Do spider bites hurt like this?

They can do.

I'm refitting a fruit shop so there's probably...

HE GROANS

More pain?

-It's weird...in my chest.

-You feel a tightening?

OK. I think we should get you to hospital, let's go.

Is Mr Halloran still there?

No.

How about Mrs Pickle?

What? Do you think that sounds funny?

-Dad!

-I'm all right.

I'm just going to the hospital to get checked out.

Can you get your gran to take you to school?

-But you said you'd take me!

-I can't!

-We'll call her - don't worry.

-Are you sure?

-No problem.

I'll keep you posted, OK?

Do you need my phone?

Well, you'd better give her a call, then.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in!

I can't stop. I just wanted to say sorry about the article.

It was way out of order.

Yeah. I called them. There'll be no retraction.

But that image was a complete distortion.

I'll call them if you want.

-You'd do that?

-Yeah, if you think it would achieve anything.

It won't, but thanks.

I tell you what, there is something you could do.

We've got an emergency partners' meeting.

Uh, I'm not a partner...

I know, I respect that.

But I need somebody on my side, I could do with your input.

But I am due at the Campus.

Well, let's say lunchtime, then?

PHONE RINGS

Finally!

You took your time. I'm about to be homeless!

What?!

Emma's kicking me out.

Has she given you a reason?

Yeah, Chris is leaving home so she's selling the house.

Ah!

"Ah", is that all you've got to say?

I'm about to be homeless, but I don't suppose you care.

Of course I care about that.

But she can't just turf you out, she's got to give some notice.

No, she doesn't. I haven't got a lease, I've got no protection.

But you've got me, don't forget.

Why don't you just move back home?

No!

What else are you going to do? Rent a place?

You can't just move in with someone after a handful of dates!

But it's not like that, is it? It's time to get real.

Argh!

OK! OK! No pressure...

Karen?

Karen?

Argh! Huge, hairy legs!

Calm down. Was it in the nurses' room?

-Great big eyes! Staring at me.

-Drink some water.

What's going on? Mrs Tembe?

She has seen a spider.

-All this fuss over a spider?!

-I've got a patient that might have been bitten by one.

Karen used to suffer from arachnophobia.

We're trying to run a practice. We haven't got time for arachnophobia!

Anyway, where is this supposed spider?

A real spider! It was staring at me.

I don't care if it was barking at you, where is it?

-In the staff room!

-Thank you!

I'll go and check.

Have you got through to your grandma?

Yes, she's coming to get me. Can I help you find the spider?

Yes, you can, you can be my scout. Just don't get bitten.

It's all right, everybody, everything's under control.

PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE

Hello?

Rob, it's Chris. She's fine, mate, you don't need to come down.

She's just seen a spider and had a bit of a fright.

You know what she's like.

Yeah, of course. I'll get her to call you.

All right, then, bye.

It's a bit dark to see.

Liam, be careful.

Maybe you should get up.

This spider could literally be anywhere.

SHE LAUGHS

Is this really necessary? It's one little spider.

Which may have put somebody in hospital.

Well, what are we talking here? If it's that serious, you should close the surgery.

Fantastic publicity(!) Like we hadn't had enough already today(!)

-You shouldn't have been ogling that woman's breast, should you?

-I wasn't.

We need to get this cordoned off and then wait for pest control.

This better be worth pest control.

I'll get another one. Liam?

Get two!

I don't suppose you thought to liberate the kettle?

No.

Is it true what Karen's said about you selling up?

News travels fast, I've only just decided!

Are you OK?

I need to get on.

I'm here for you.

We have a problem.

Is it the gun or the bucket?

Excuse me?

An expression. It means "what's wrong now?"

No-one from pest control can be here till tomorrow.

-Looks like it's down to us, then.

-I will help.

-You're all right, Mrs Tembe.

-No, I am not afraid.

In Botswana, I saw a baboon spider bigger than a man's head, even yours.

With yellow fangs larger than my fingers.

Well, I hardly think ours is of that magnitude.

I have been doing some research.

The patient was working in a fruit shop, which means

the spider we are searching for probably hitched a ride

on the bananas to Letherbridge all the way from Brazil.

Unlikely.

It was brown, it looked like a rotting banana.

Or even a leaf.

It can only be the Brazilian wandering spider.

It is the most deadly spider in the world!

It's been confirmed it was definitely a spider bite with

some degree of allergic reaction.

How is he?

He's stable, but it would great

if we could identify the spider we're dealing with.

As soon as we find it, I'll let you know.

In the meantime, can you try and get a better description?

Karen's the only one who saw it directly.

I could ask Liam again.

Great, please, do that.

Any information at this point would be good.

OK, I'll call you back.

Liam?

Has someone come to pick up that young lad I was with?

I don't know, I was in the loo.

All right? Where are you going?

Liam, I'm bigger than you. I'm always going to catch up with you.

-I don't care!

-Come on, please.

Just leave me alone!

What's going on, mate? Talk to me.

He's going to die, isn't he? Like Mum.

No! Where did you get that idea?

The lady said that spider kills people.

Mate, she doesn't know what she's talking about.

No-one does - that's why we were trying to find it.

The doctor has told me that your dad is going to be absolutely fine.

OK?

We can call him off my phone and you can talk to him yourself.

That's not a problem.

Everything is going to be all right, mate. Now come on.

Come and have a sit-down.

I think we've extinguished all our options there.

We have not checked the pipes behind the sink.

Well, why don't we leave that to the professionals?

You mean pest control?

We've done our best.

You know, when I was in Botswana,

-I was trapped in a bark spider's web...

-Yes, I know.

Mr Bellamy...

It descended upon you...

-Mr Bellamy...

-..with its big, hairy teeth.

Mr Bellamy...! (Do not move.)

If you startle it, it will panic.

What will it do then?

Let's not talk about that now.

I am just going to approach it...very carefully...

SHE GASPS

You didn't call your grandma, did you?

No, OK. We're going to have to do that as soon as we get back.

Deal?

Liam, no more of this silent treatment.

Give me yes or no.

OK.

OK, cool.

Now...it's good to see that you're not so mad any more.

Are you going to tell me why you're so mad?

It's OK to be upset, mate. I ain't going to tell anyone.

I'm not. I'm not upset.

OK.

Dad and Grandma are upset - they keep crying all the time.

But I...

You don't have to cry if you don't want to.

However you feel is your own business.

You know...my dad died a little while ago...

and it took me ages...still taking me time to get my feelings straight.

I was so angry, I was furious!

I did some really stupid things.

Because I wasn't as sad as I felt I should have been.

But I've realised that's OK, it's perfectly fine,

because that was my way of dealing with it.

I miss my mates and my house. And my teachers.

My books and my games are all in storage.

I can't even ask Dad or anyone because they're all upset,

all the time.

It's OK for you to want your old life back.

You've had a massive change!

It's perfectly fine for you to feel bad about it.

I'm supposed to feel bad about Mum!

Yeah? Who says so?

Eh?

Whatever you're feeling, that is right for you.

Don't give yourself a hard time cos you're not feeling something

you think you should be, you'll end up driving yourself doolally tap!

Give yourself a break!

-Yeah?

-OK.

Right. Now take a deep breath...before you faint

and make yourself look like a twonk.

I'd like to thank you for giving up your lunch break.

I think we know why we're all here.

This article, a gross misrepresentation.

OK. In that case, are we considering legal action?

Yeah, because that will get it off the front page(!)

I think he's right.

As much as I'd like to, I think it would only prolong the negativity towards the practice.

We need to stop this now by acting decisively and constructively.

Are we all agreed?

BOTH: Agreed.

We do this by demonstrating our commitment to breast-feeding here at the practice.

Agreed?

Mm.

First thoughts...educational campaign?

Our health visitors already offer that as part of their new mother programme.

All right, another idea - public workshops or demonstrations?

You want more demonstrations?

Well, you think of an idea! I don't know anything about breast-feeding.

I think we should nominate Zara as the best-qualified person in practice.

Just because she's a woman?

No, because she's a new-ish mum herself. But anyway,

if you'd rather lecture a room full of nursing mums...

No, you could be right. I just don't think it wouldn't be appropriate for me to ask her...obviously.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

What shall we go and buy? A 'nana?

Would you like a 'nana? Now I'm doing it!

Forget I said that, and do not tell your father.

It's "banana", Joe, "banana"...

Mr Bellamy, the pest-control man is here.

No, it is not a Brazilian wandering spider,

but very similar - it is a huntsman, as I suspected.

No, not out loud, but I suspected it...

Yes, Mr Bellamy.

-He would like you to take it away now.

-Sign here, please.

-Thank you.

No more banana riding for you!

I am not going to kick you out!

-Well, you could have said that!

-I did!

You didn't!

I did, didn't I? Oh, Lord! I'm sorry.

With everything going on, I must have forgotten...I'm sorry.

Tea, ladies?

-Thanks, yes, please.

-Thanks.

Look, I'm just trying to find out where I am.

Nothing is decided yet, and whatever happens, you will be fine.

You never know, you might both end up somewhere even better!

Really?

If it was me, I'd move to the country.

Get a big house with a garden...

That's hardly downsizing!

I might buy somewhere in the city centre.

Somewhere really swanky!

A penthouse!

Let's get the valuation first.

But it's possible, isn't it?

Just because Chris is having an exciting time,

doesn't mean you can't!

I suppose so.

This is your time. No more worrying, no more responsibility.

Mm.

Are you scared?

Don't be.

He's just in there.

Hey...what's this?

I'm OK!

Are you OK?

Hey, Mum....

No reason. Just thought I'd keep you posted.

No, I ain't scared of spiders. Yeah.

Do you realise how much damage you have done?!

We are already struggling to keep women breast-feeding.

The national drop-off rate for new mothers is more than 30%.

But in Letherbridge less than 50% of woman even initiate breast-feeding at all!

We should be championing these women not stigmatising them!

-I agree.

-Do you? It doesn't look like it. It looks like...

the opposite. It looks like...

I can't even tell you what it looks like, except to say

that it's completely inappropriate for a supposedly modern,

21st-century practice to be projecting such a puerile

representation of what is, after all, a perfectly normal, healthy,

life-affirming, natural function!

Well, what do you suggest I do?

You?! You shouldn't be allowed to do anything. You shouldn't be allowed anywhere near these women.

We need a whole programme of education and promotion to

show firstly that we are not dinosaurs, and secondly that we do

actually care about nursing mothers specifically within this community!

Which is going to take a considerable investment.

As it should!

Yes, well, I agree. And you have my full support.

What?

Whatever resources you need will be made available to you.

I'm not suggesting that I...

I can't think of anybody in this practice more passionate. Can you?

And since you've rightly gleaned the scale of this disaster,

I'll leave it to you to find a solution.

-What's this?

-Complaints from this morning.

Hopefully you'll be able to reassure them of our plans in the future.

Are you sure that there's nothing I can say?

Do you honestly want me to bottle it?

It's time for a change.

You've got to love the evolution.

-It's supposed to be easy.

-What is?

-Feeding your baby.

-You ARE feeding the baby.

-Am I?

-You'd look great in all silver and brown leather.

-Would I?

Hoo-hoo!