Charlie's Angel Doctors

Where do you want your lingerie?

Just put my pants over there.

You sure you're all right?

I'll be fine! I'm not going to self-harm.

I can't even jump out of the window because we're on the ground floor.

Did Charlie give you any explanation?

He didn't dump me, Mum. We just thought...

We've been going round and round in circles and getting nowhere fast.

Really.

Well, you know where to find me if you want to talk or text or Skype.

Thanks, Mum.

Look, I've got loads to do and I'll be fine, honestly.

Big hug.

Have a good term.

Hi.

Charlie?

What are you doing?

My room is upstairs.

That's going to be awkward.

I'm so sorry about Kimmy.

Oh, no, darling, nobody blames you. These things just have

a certain sell-by.

I know, but...

I'm just...

I'm really going to miss her.

She's so wonderful and precious.

-Like a little baby butterfly.

-Ssh.

Oh, don't cry.

Is... is there anywhere we could go?

Sorry, it's a bit of a minefield.

I'll try not to get blown up.

Oh, wow! Been a while since I've been on one of these.

Were you a skateboarder?

No, but in my modelling days I did a photo shoot once for jeans.

And of course, jeans advertising is all about buttocks,

so I spent three days riding around on a skateboard whilst

a photographer was trying to get a perfect shot of my bum.

That is so cool.

Your life is amazing.

Oh, yeah, it has its moments.

You know, I miss Kim, obviously.

But I'm really going to miss hanging at your place.

Hearing you on the karaoke machine singing I Will Survive.

Watching you make us a Mai Tai.

So, why did you break up?

This is hard.

This is so, so hard.

Go on.

You know when you realise you're just going through the motions?

You want it to work because you wouldn't want to hurt someone so precious.

I've been there.

But then...

Suddenly.

You find you've hurled into this maelstrom of dark, forbidden urges.

And, although you know it's wrong,

you want it so much.

Charlie, what are you talking about?

I think you know, Angela.

Charlie!

Oh, Charlie!

-'Hello?'

-Ah, she's up, and it's only nine o'clock.

Are you sure you're a student?

Yeah, it's my first day and I've got an early morning lecture.

Well, when you've had enough of being lectured at,

how about a spot of lunch?

Don't mind if I do.

One o'clock at The Icon?

It's a date.

GASPING

What just happened?

Well, first, I kissed you all over, and then...

I know what happened but why?!

Does it matter? We're two consenting adults.

Of course it matters! You've just split up with my daughter.

Exactly. So it's not as if I was cheating on her.

What was I thinking?

Argh!

Angela?

'Skank!'

You're dead! You're a skank!

SCREAMING

You're dead!

Hi, I need to see a doctor.

So what can I do for you?

Well, I want to go back on my anti-depressants.

I know I said I'd come off them,

but...life just seems to throw things at you.

No need to apologise. You need a top-up of Serotonin.

That's really understanding of you.

We aim to make life easier.

-It's a bit quiet in here, isn't it?

-Enjoy it while it lasts, because any minute now...

-Catriona?

Oh, it's you.

-I've been really worried, are you all right?

-Not bad.

You know we went looking for you the other night, why didn't you phone?

I just wanted to go home and forget about it.

-And did you?

-Not really.

OK, now. Nearly there.

Do not tell a soul what happened.

Well, I wasn't going to put it on Twitter.

I'm serious, Charlie. If this ever got back to Kim.

She's just a bit fragile.

I keep having flashbacks. Really bad ones.

-So, I've come to see the doctor.

-Oh, right, well...

Hello! Can we have some help please?

I just bumped my head, but it's been bleeding.

OK, let's have a look.

Yeah, it's not too bad, but it's going to need a clean up,

maybe some stitches.

Do you want me to take her to A&E?

No, she's fine here. And you are?

I'm her son.

OK, do you want to take a seat? If you'd like to follow me.

How did it happen?

Oh, the usual - I slipped on my son's skateboard, and wham!

Went right into a door handle.

Sounds like an episode of Mr Bean.

Not exactly.

So, any problems at all with the medication please don't

hesitate to get in touch.

-Thanks.

-Who's next?

Charlie?

Oh, uh...hi.

Are you all right? What's the matter?

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

What are you doing here then?

I just came to pick up a prescription,

-only it's not quite ready.

-Right.

There you go, help yourself to jammy dodgers.

Wow, does everyone get the waitress service?

No, you might have to wait a while, cos your mum's got to go

and see the doctor in case she's got a concussion.

I thought your mum was in Switzerland.

She was, only she flew over today to wish me well at uni.

-Well I'd love to meet her. I've always wanted to...

-No.

What?

She's not very well, and it might upset her.

Hang on, it is your mum, isn't it, not some girl?

Cos I don't mind, we've split up, but I would still like to know.

No, it's my mum.

Definitely not a girl - she's got to be about 30 years older.

Catriona. Are you named after the Robert Louis Stevenson novel?

What?

Obviously not. What can I do for you?

I was attacked last week, and I thought I'd got over it, but...

I feel like I'm sinking.

So, yes, she thought she'd surprise me,

but she came running towards me and crashed straight into a lamp post.

-OK Charlie, I think you've been lying.

-When?

When you were talking.

Everybody said, "he sees other women,"

so how long has it been going on?

Was it when we were together?

There's nothing going on!

I swear on a whole heap of bibles.

It's my mother.

So, you'll still need to see Doctor Carter.

-Right, well I...

-Mum!?

-Darling, hello.

-How are you?

OK, it's not what it looks like.

No way!

I know you've been on anti-depressants before,

which is not a problem.

You need a top-up of Serotonin.

ARGUING OUTSIDE

What's that noise?

Oh, the usual student argy bargy. You get used to it.

I need to go.

If there's anything else you want to discuss, please pop back.

Right, you two outside

until you've learned to behave like civilised humans beings.

-Oi! Excuse me!

-Sorry, Karen.

Are we under nuclear attack or something?

OK, I know you don't want any of my excuses...

No Mum, I don't!

Sorry, are you two brother and sister?

This is not his mother. This is my mother.

And she has just slept with my boyfriend.

Catriona?

How did you get on?

Not bad. He has given me some anti-depressants.

Right, do you want to talk about it?

-No.

-Why not?

I don't want to talk about what happened,

I just want to get on, you know?

I'm just worried about ya, that's all.

You still seem really shaken up.

Listen, I can't promise to make this disappear for you, but I am a

good listener, and I know somewhere we can get a half decent coffee.

Look, it's like we were caught in some extraordinary

force of nature, like Niagara Falls or something.

Do you even know how pathetic you sound?

I think you should go, and leave this to the grown-ups.

And, Kimmy, I am just so, so soz.

Sorry, Kimmy. It was just a moment of madness.

-Madness?! Don't you dare give me that!

-Oi!

Now, Mrs Duvitski just cleaned down those stairs,

I don't want you getting blood on them.

I don't know why it happened.

Perhaps it was the menopause, or empty nest syndrome.

Or maybe you're just a complete tart!

You knew I was feeling low.

I'd just had my heart torn in two.

You said you were fine.

Of course I said that!

But just because he'd left me,

doesn't mean you could move in and fill your Uggs.

You've got to admit, it's a bit seedy.

I've had 20 years of it.

Mum used to be a model, and when I was ten,

she was on billboards, advertising lingerie.

And all sorts of boys, who'd never looked at me twice,

suddenly wanted to come home and meet mummy dearest.

I'm not going to apologise for being nice to your friends.

Oh, you knew how to be nice to hormonal teenage boys.

Serving drinks wearing something very low cut.

Shaking your cocktail maker until their eyes popped out.

I'm ever so sorry.

But I'm going to have to ask you to leave

because we've got an asthma clinic in five minutes.

Fine. And don't even think about following me.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed seeing my dirty laundry.

Where do you think you're going?

Home.

You've got to see the doctor.

Excuse me.

A Woman Of The World by The Divine Comedy

KNOCKING

Oh, it's you.

Yes. Sorry if you were expecting someone older.

I don't know why I did it.

I guess it's just the stress of my final year.

You have had three hours to think of something.

Is that the best you can do?

It was a moment of madness.

I was caught up...

I don't want excuses,

I just want my Morrissey book back.

-What?

-My Morrissey book. You borrowed it last term.

Oh. It could be anywhere.

Can I drop it round at yours later?

No! Because after today I never want to see you again.

Right. OK.

You know, it was your mum leading me on.

She's very manipulative.

Hiya.

I suppose you've come to have me burnt at the stake.

I did actually stop your daughter from throwing you down the stairs.

I don't know why. At least it would have been quick.

So, what did the doctor say?

He said I'm all right to drive.

I'm just setting the sat-nav for Beachy Head.

Great, you can throw yourself over the top and drown in self-pity.

God, for someone who works in the health service,

you're not exactly sympathetic.

You want to stop moping and fight for her.

I have just messed things up with my only daughter.

Well, go and put them right.

That's easy for you to say.

What's the worst thing you've done with your kids?

Burnt their Christmas dinner?

Actually, I snogged my 22-year-old son.

Honestly, why are things always in the last place you look for them?

Because when you find them, you stop looking.

I never thought of that.

Look, if you want, I could just carry on looking

and leave it in your pigeon hole.

Get out the of way.

-No, look, please, can we do this later?

-Why?

I don't like people going through my stuff.

I don't like what you did!

No, please, I really don't think you should...

Oh, great - your porn collection.

I'm sorry.

These are really ancient. Why do you even have these?

So, just at that moment, I thought he was coming onto me,

but it was the accident and my brain playing tricks.

If we can get through that,

you can get through this with your daughter.

We should form a club.

What?

The Unfit Mothers of England?

Speak for yourself.

-I mess things up, but I never stop...

-Hold on.

I can't believe you have this!

Kimmy! Kimmy!

Kimmy! Kimmy! Come back here!

Give me one good reason!

Please, I don't want you to do anything silly.

What, like going out with you?!

It's not unusual.

All men have a few jazz mags

and a little something on their hard drive.

These are pictures of my mother!

They're not all bad. Some of them are actually quite tasteful.

How long have you had this?

How long have you had this?!

A couple of years.

I didn't even know my mum had done these.

Oh, yeah, she's a bit of a cult.

Her porn name was Angel. Angel Desiree.

Angel? Well, let's see if she can fly.

No! They're collectors items!

Then go and collect them!

No!

-Argh!

-Darling!

I think I'll have the Rioja.

That's a really good choice. But I think it's pronounced Rioja.

Oh, I'm rubbish at French.

Where do you want to sit?

-There's good.

-OK.

Hello, Kevin!

Mandy! Hi. Mandy, Poppy. Poppy, Mandy.

Yeah, we've met. You're the nurse.

-That's right. And you're the student.

-Mmm.

Well, don't let us keep you.

OK.

Sorry, how do you know her?

Oh, you meet lots of nurses in the music industry.

A lot of my clients have to have their ears syringed.

Sorry, were you two an item?

Oh, no, no, no, she's a lesbian.

Oh, wow.

What, have you never met a gay person before?

No, yeah, yeah, we have loads of gay girls at uni.

Is it me, or are students getting younger?

Mmm.

Right, what are you eating?

I'm not that hungry.

After what happened last Monday, I went home

and ate a whole cheesecake.

I had a bath.

And then turned my music up so loud that it blocked everything out.

I wonder if those girls have any idea what they've done.

-I'm not going to the police.

-I didn't even...

That's where this is going.

They were kids. Stupid, stupid kids.

But, the thought of spending weeks, talking about them, having

police interviews, seeing their faces in court. I'm not going there.

Kimmy, darling, please, talk to me.

Do you think we should try and smash the door down?

Only if we can use your head as a battering ram.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

It was after your dad left.

You probably don't know this but he took all my money,

you weren't even two.

Work had dried up and I had you to look after.

There was this photographer I knew, we always got on.

He started taking nude pictures, the pay was really good.

I only did it for about two years, while money was tight.

And I'm not proud of it, but I am proud that you had piano lessons,

and a pet rabbit and holidays and...

Are you seriously saying you did this for me?

I think she did. It might be embarrassing for you.

But needs must.

And you have to admit, they are some seriously nice photos.

And I guess what happened this morning wasn't out of the blue.

In fact, you probably planned it.

Well I thought - now that I'm young, free and single.

There really is a circle of hell for people like you.

I suppose what's done is done, and I either beat the living

daylights out of you, or I shrug my shoulders and move on.

That's very understanding of you.

I haven't told you which one I've chosen yet.

Argh!

Has anyone got a camera?

There you are. You really don't need him.

Do you seriously think that makes it better?

That we'll just have a group hug and move on?

Kimmy!

That was assault! I need you to be my witness.

Count yourself lucky I didn't join in.

How's your paella?

Sorry, Kevin. I don't really like fish.

So, why did you order paella?

Come on, they weren't kids, they knew exactly what they were doing.

And now they think they can get away with it.

What if the police won't listen?

They will. They've got a hate crime unit.

I don't want my face in the papers.

I've got a daughter.

Really?

Beth. She lives with my mum at the moment.

And sometimes she's the only thing keeping me going.

She doesn't have to know. You can report the crime anonymously.

But I'd still have to stand there and go through it all again.

And I don't want to be back there, on the floor,

those girls standing over me.

Making me feel like I don't deserve to live.

That won't happen this time, because you will be in control.

Why are you doing this?

Why do you want to make me go back there?

Kim. I've not come to ask for your forgiveness.

I just want to know that you're OK.

And you're right. You're nothing like me.

Because you've got a brain. And a good heart.

And somewhere out there, there's a man who's worthy of you.

Look, I've been the world's worst mother.

But somehow you've turned into the world's most amazing daughter.

And I know it's a big ask,

but... Maybe we can move on and be friends again one day.

I may be a rubbish mum, but I'm a good friend.

Please.

I don't know what to do.

I know she doesn't want me, but I don't want to leave her.

Angela.

Good luck.

No-one is going to make you do anything you don't want to do.

But sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, Catriona.

This time you'll have me, and the police, and no matter what

happens, won't you feel better for doing something about it?

OK, I'll think about it.

I mean, we could even go now if...

I said I'll think about it.

Well, you've got my number. If you need anything.

So, how about we go back to mine this evening?

-Not again.

-What?

You're supposed to be this big music mogul.

So, how come we always end up doing the same things?

OK, What do you want to do?

You tell me.

Surprise me. But make it worth it.

All right, how about a luxury, five-star weekend in Paris?

-What?!

-Yeah, We can visit the Eiffel Tower, go around some galleries.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Oh! Kevin! Yes!

Well, you sound cheerful.

It really helped, talking to you yesterday.

New girlfriend?

Shut up, Kevin.

You're disgusting, taking that guy back to my room!

You had an accident on my premises because of him.

There's obviously been some misunderstanding.

Believe me, I will report you to the GMC.

It's the real thing with this one, he's taking me to Paris.