A Perfect Evening Doctors

# It's a beautiful morning

# Ahh

# I think I'll go outside For a while

# And just smile

# Just take in some Clean fresh air, boy

# Ain't no sense in staying inside

# If the weather's fine And you got the time

# It's your chance to wake up And plan another brand-new day

# Either way It's a beautiful morning... #

-Good morning!

-BOTH: Morning.

Another day, another exposure to the flu virus

a menagerie of ticks, and parasitic worms!

On the plus side, we're a day closer to our deaths!

Cheer up! I have coffee!

Life saver. Two sugars.

-Any Lapsang Souchong?

-Sure, milk and sugar?

-I'll make it myself.

What are you so cheerful about, Tyler?

You're about to get up close and personal

-with some very unpleasant germs!

-I don't care about today.

Because when the day is over, I have a perfect evening planned.

-It involves sex, doesn't it?

-Yes, it does!

Spare us the details.

-How about you - hot date?

-I do, as it happens.

-Really?

-Who is she?

-Her name is Dame Joan Sutherland.

It's her Turandot.

Zubin Mehta's 1972 recording, with the London Philharmonic.

-And that's your "perfect evening"?

-I think it qualifies.

I, too, have a perfect evening planned

-for when the daily grind comes to a halt.

-Niamh?

Yeah, but it's not what you're thinking!

How do you know what I'm thinking?

-Heston?

-OK, you both know what I'm thinking!

No, she's just going come over to my place, quiet night in.

Some pizza and beer.

-Sounds like a perfect evening.

-Let's hope so.

OK. Whatever tickles your pickle! In the meantime,

-this will get you through morning surgery.

-Let's hope so.

Think about the evening and it will get you through the day!

Got nothing else...

SHE KNOCKS

SHE BANGS

SHE KNOCKS

Good morning!

-Oh! Nice to see a smiling face in the morning!

-Isn't it just?

It's just brain chemistry and neuroscience.

I think about pizza and beer and Dr Donoghue,

the serotonin kicks in, and it tells my body that I am happy,

-and that it is so.

-Well, it's nice to know that romance isn't dead.

What do you mean?

Well, you can't just manufacture a romantic evening

by mixing hormones in a biochemical reaction.

Well, actually, serotonin is a neurotransmitter, not a hormone.

-You should know that.

-Is that right?

-I'm going to mess it up, aren't I?

-Could you pass me my notes, please?

-I'll carry them.

-Thank you.

Are you...?

-Just wondering, how's it going with Oliver?

-Oh, fine.

Thank you for the recommendation. He's very helpful.

I didn't expect I'd be suffering from depression,

but it's all sorted now, thanks.

And the other stuff? The moving things...the memory loss...

-What memory loss?

-Very funny!

-I'm fine.

-Well, that's good!

Um...

I was wondering whether sitting all alone, listening to opera,

might not be the best thing for a recovering depressive...

-Recovered.

-Just a thought, Heston.

Oh, Emma!

Tonight, bottle of red wine, enjoying the stereophonic bliss

that is Dame Joan Sutherland singing Puccini?

-Could you pass me a bottle of water from the fridge, please?

-Of course.

Puccini?

Yes, I've never been a fan, to be honest...

Sorry.

Oh, um...

Is everything all right with him?

-Yeah, I think so.

-It's just that he's being a bit strange.

And now I think about it, Al's being weird, as well -

is something going on?

No...

There is. What is it?

It's nothing.

All right, OK, well...

They're jealous, I reckon.

Jealous?

I've got this hot date tonight. She's coming round tonight.

-You're on a promise.

-Yeah, maybe.

-Oh, you've got to see her, she's young, she's gorgeous...

-How young?

Old enough to know better!

I've told her I'm in the music industry!

She thinks I know Lady Gaga, Katy B... All that lot.

-Does she? Is that a good idea?

-Yes.

When she steps into your upmarket, luxury, two-up-two-down

she won't think, even for a moment,

that you might just be a boring GP in Letherbridge?

You're right... What am I going to do?

Don't ask me.

No. Not you. Mandy!

Mandy will know what to do...

Right, this is the situation.

Poppy's coming round tonight - she thinks I'm really cool.

She thinks I'm in the music industry -

concerts, record deals, best friends with Simon Cowell -

the only problem is my house is not cool, and I really, really...

-..really, want to get your leg over.

-No!

Yeah.

You have to tell her the truth.

I can't do that, not tonight. Tonight's supposed to be perfect.

SHE TUTS What?

Maybe it will, maybe it won't.

Depends if you take my advice, don't it?

Jimmi, I need to be romantic!

Ah, Al... Man, you are lovely.

But I haven't thought of you that way. Can we just stay as friends?

I'm serious. I don't "get" romance.

I never have, never will,

I could. I need a crash course.

# You must remember this

# A kiss is still a kiss

# A sigh is just a sigh... #

-That's beautiful, but it hasn't helped.

-Casablanca.

Scientifically proven to be the most romantic film in the world, ever.

Eh? It's a great war film.

-But I don't think it's meant to be romantic?

-Seriously?!

Oh, I don't know! I am hopeless!

Is this what Niamh wants? She wants romance?

It's what I want. It's what I want for her.

I want it to be perfect. Without me messing it up. Again.

It's an old recording, but it's the best there is.

It really is an experience to experience!

It sounds wonderful, Heston. But I am otherwise engaged this evening.

-Washing your hair?

-No. Well, yes, but only because I'm seeing someone.

Oh, Al. Yes, of course. He's looking forward to it.

Mandy.

Heston...

You are a vivacious young woman who's out on the town every night.

-What are you suggesting?

-Nothing!

I was just wondering, what it's like to have a social life.

-It's not all it's cracked up to be.

-Tell me about it!

Well, as you've both got time on your hands this evening?

I have a cunning plan. And it's going to be perfect!

You are getting so grown-up, young lady!

But not that grown-up!

Where did you get this from anyway?

-It's Angela's, she's lending it me.

-Is she now?

-You know she's got a boyfriend!

-She's had boyfriends since Year Six.

This one's a real boyfriend.

He's much older than her.

I hope he knows how old she is.

He makes out he's in the music business -

-knows all these famous people.

-And what is he really?

He's a doctor. A GP.

He's actually pretty cool.

Really? Do Angela's parents know about this?

You can't tell them! She'll kill me. It's a massive secret.

Please.

Is he going to be there tonight?

No! Just me and Angela. Girlie night out.

I won't be back late. Promise.

OK. But I don't think that's a good idea though.

Yeah, no.

-Your tea's on the table.

-Yeah, I'll be down in a sec.

Sometimes this place is crazy.

-I can't, Jimmi.

-What?

Opera. I can't.

-How bad can it be?

-Excruciating.

Yeah, I know, But he was giving me this "Sad Heston" look on his face.

-Please, don't make me!

-You can't back out now. That's not fair.

I'm not going to do it on my own!

You know about music! You can talk to him about...notes and stuff.

But one-on-one? Nah, I'm not doing that!

I'll pick you up at seven.

I hate you, Dr Clay!

DOOR BELL RINGS

Wow!

It's not quite what I expected.

Well, the office is a little bit more - reoww - you know?

That's where I keep all the Brit Awards, and the MTV stuff.

Platinum discs up on the walls.

-Really?

-Yeah, but you can't let that stuff get to you.

Got to keep yourself grounded.

So I prefer to have this place a little more...understated.

That's one word for it.

I like it.

You do?

Yeah, it's comfy.

Yeah.

You know, my sister doesn't believe you know Katy B.

Course I do.

Can you get us tickets to see her?

I'll look into it. First thing tomorrow.

Great.

UP-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC

DOOR BELL RINGS

Wow, you look amazing.

You don't look too bad yourself.

We're through...

OK.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Yes, yes! I'm just coming!

Hello, hello! Lovely to see you, come in.

Mandy, Jimmi.

Mandy, you are looking absolutely radiant!

Ah, thank you. This is for you.

Very kind, no need, no need.

-Lovely!

-I haven't brought you anything.

Well, you brought yourselves, and that's what matters.

Yourselves, and your ears!

-I'm really looking forward to it.

-Me, too. Just go through, please.

Lovely...

You know, she still won't believe you.

What?

Lou. Unless they're really, really good tickets.

-Yeah, of course.

-"Access all areas"?

Tea and cucumber sandwiches in Katy's dressing room. How's that?

What has your sister got against me, anyway?

Typical student, thinks she knows everything.

I thought you were a student.

She hasn't been a student for ages! She's working now.

OK, cool, what does she do?

Does it matter?

I don't really want to talk about my sister.

Right, sorry, what do you want to talk about?

No, I don't really want to talk at all.

-You know how to treat a girl.

-Some girls deserve the best.

-Champagne?

-No, it's a Gueuze.

It's a Belgian beer. Is that all right?

Pour me a glass and find out.

DRINK POURS

-That's OK.

-Oh!

DRINK POURS

-And...cheers.

-Slainte.

TINK!

SHE SPLUTTERS

Oh...

Sorry, it's really strong!

-It is known for its strength. Um...

-SHE COUGHS

I do have some lagers in the fridge...

-Yeah, that will be better.

-OK.

-OK.

SHE COUGHS

BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY PLAYS

-It's very...

-Just listen! The first time through, we just listen.

("The first time"?)

-Hey, let's play a game.

-Good idea...

No! Not that kind of game!

Truth or dare...

You scared?

No.

Right, then.

Who was your first love?

Elise Warwick. She was 15.

I was 12. She was major, major league!

-Oh, we didn't actually...

-No, it's fine.

-Nothing actually happened.

-It's fine.

It was wishful thinking on my part, really wishful thinking.

She didn't really even know I existed.

OK, your turn.

First record you ever bought?

You mean first download?

Yeah, first download.

Um.

Justin Bieber.

-# Baby, baby... #

-Please, stop!

-It's totally embarrassing...

-It's quite recent, isn't it?

No, it's not that recent...

Yeah, it's 2010. I remember...

Hey, look, it's your turn. Have you ever googled yourself?

No.

You're such a little liar!

That's the second worst line you've come up with tonight!

-What was the worst?

-"We'll always have Letherbridge"!

-That's a good line!

-It was corny when Bogart said it.

-No way!

THEY CHUCKLE

I've really enjoyed tonight. It wasn't what I was expecting...

-Pizza and beer...

-Yeah.

The pizza was a bit of a surprise with the silver service.

I'm a surprising kind of a guy!

Hm.

-What?

-Nothing.

No, that wasn't a "nothing" look.

That was a "I've done something wrong" look.

-Is it this?

-No! It isn't!

-I thought it would be romantic.

OK, you're starting to spoil it a little bit.

Only a teensy-weensy bit.

I love all this!

It's just...

I don't need it.

I don't want Humphrey Bogart...

Really?

Yeah, he'd drive you mad. All the noble self-sacrifice, ugh.

-He's kind of cool.

-You're kind of cool.

# Nessun dorma Nessun dorma... #

-I know this one!

-It's Nessun Dorma. Everybody knows this one.

Oh, yeah! It's, um...

It's, um...

Oh, Pavarotti!

Yeah, it might be, but he's not the only bloke who sang it, is he?

Actually, it IS Pavarotti.

SHE CACKLES

A young Luciano, circa 1972.

He must have been 38.

Marvellous voice.

Effortless.

Not really your cup of tea, is it?

Not really.

-BOTH:

-# La la la, la-la, la la la

# La la la, la-la, la la la la la

# La-la, la-a-a-a la la la-a!

# La la... #

-I'm sorry, I'm such a terrible host.

-I wouldn't say that.

I haven't even shown you the house.

Upstairs is particularly interesting.

I'm going to need the complete guided tour, then.

Then I'll give you the full...

immersive experience.

I do have to warn you. It's very...hands on.

SHE SIGHS

Do you remember when we first met?

You wore grey. No.

You wore blue - the Germans wore grey.

It was the day they invaded Paris...

THEY CHUCKLE

Actually, I don't remember when we met.

Neither do I.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

TURANDOT TENOR SOLO PLAYS

Change this...

Here we go. Right, you're going to like this.

HESTON CLEARS THROAT, CDS CLATTER

Here it comes...

RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES BY WAGNER PLAYS

-Oh! # Kill the Wabbit! #

-What?!

Bugs Bunny!

-# Kill the Wabbit! Kill the Wabbit! #

-You're right!

-BOTH LAUGH

-Kill the Wabbit!

And the piece de resistance, the master bedroom...

-MOBILE RINGS

-Sorry!

I think it's my sister.

I'm sorry. Hello?

-MUM:

-'Where are you?'

Is there a problem?

'You tell me.'

Angela is at home, watching telly with her mum and dad.

'Hello?!'

Look, can I call you back?

Don't you dare hang up on me! And where is that top?

What top?

"Angela's top". The one Angela knows nothing about.

'The one that's NOT in your room.'

OK, look. I understand.

Just don't do anything silly - I'll be right over.

SHE SIGHS

I'm sorry, it's my sister, a complete drama queen, as usual.

Man problems. I'm so sorry.

Cheers.

So, what we need is time.

-Time apart?

-Time together, you eejit!

Do I look like a woman who wants to get out of a relationship?!

You look beautiful.

Was that Al, or Humph?

I think that's Al.

Oh!

So, more time together...?

Yeah. That sounds nice.

I knew you'd agree. Which is why...

I got Howard to approve leave for both of us for all of next week.

-What?!

-I've booked us a cottage in the Peak District.

Just north of Bakewell.

I can't.

-You can. We can.

-That's a really bad idea.

We'll be stuck in some lonely cottage in the middle of nowhere

with nothing to say to each other for a whole week!

You always have something to say.

Yeah, always the wrong thing.

That's a really bad idea.

-It's a brilliant idea.

-You're just asking for trouble...

Look.

I'm not an axe murderer. And neither are you.

We'll get along just fine.

And there's always the bedroom...

Just one?

-Yep.

-One bed?

One big bed...

FLOWER DUET BY DELIBES PLAYS

Oh, come on, you must know this one!

-I don't think so.

-It's from an advert.

There was life before adverts, Jimmi!

It's part of our global patrimony.

I don't recognise it, Heston. We've not got all your in-depth knowledge.

It's not in-depth - it's Delibes!

Delibes! 19th-century French composer.

-It's the Flower Duet from Lakme. Oh, it's just wasted on you!

-Heston!

No, I'm sorry, sorry. I don't know what happened.

-I've been under a lot of, um...

-Stress? Yeah, we noticed.

-It's all right.

-No, it's not all right!

You've been very kind to me

and you've put up with my nonsense, and listened to my music.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'd have the patience to listen

to the contents of your MP3 player.

-Gratuitous insults again.

-No, that's not what I meant....

-I think we'd better go.

-Why don't you have another glass of wine?

-I'm driving.

-And I'm in early tomorrow, so...

-Yeah, all right.

Of course.

-This is just perfect!

-I'm sorry, I have to go!

No, you don't! She's a adult, she can deal with her own problems.

-You don't know Lou.

-Half an hour?

-"Half an hour"?!

-Well, under the circumstances...

Bye, Kevin. I'll call you about the tickets.

What?

Katy B. Access All Areas.

Oh, yeah, course. Katy B.

See you.

Thank you, for a perfect evening.

Well, it was almost perfect.

Do you find me attractive?

More than you know.

Is it nerves? If you haven't been with anybody for a while...

You know, to check our compatibility...

for going away together...

we could always...test it out...?

You know, to see if we're...

compatible.

Oh!

I am really sorry.

I ruined a perfectly lovely evening.

It's all right. Forget it.

You are a very warm and generous person.

-Don't push your luck, mate!

-No, all right.

And I did enjoy our karaoke session.

Bye, Heston.

Bye-bye.

See you.

MUSIC: FLOWER DUET BY DELIBES

MUSIC STOPS, CD PLAYER WHIRS

RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES BY WAGNER PLAYS

Charlie?

-Did Charlie give you any explanation?

-He didn't dump me, Mum.

HE YELLS IN PAIN

Anyone got a camera?

I've just messed things up with my only daughter.

Well, go and put them right!

So, how come we always end up doing the same things?

-OK, what do you want to do?

-Surprise me, but make it worth it.