House of Hammered Horrors Doctors

THUNDERCLAP

EERIE INSTRUMENTAL

SHE SIGHS

That boy's got some serious issues.

Fester? BARKING

Dinner time!

Yeah.

Here you go.

It's good, mm?

INCOMING TEXT

PHONE BLEEPS

DOOR CREAKS

Right, we've got nachos, salsa, sour cream.

Where's the guacamole?

Calm down. And beer?

Yes. We're all set. Right, let's get the film on.

The Guns of Navarone?

It's Halloween. Why aren't we watching something scary?

It's my first night off for ages. I want to relax.

What's relaxing about a war film?

It's got David Niven in it.

Fair play. You'll fall asleep halfway through, anyway.

I know.

THUNDERCLAP

Oh!

DOORBELL

THEY GROAN I'll get it.

Where's the torch? I know where the torch is.

Ooo, hello!

Are you trick-or-treating?

Cain? Sorry, he's always running ahead.

Could we come in? Oh, yes.

Sorry to bother you. Um...

Not sure you remember me.

Oh, um...are you from number nine?

Rob? You haven't met my other half.

This is Rob, this is...

Raina. Raina from down the road.

Everything all right?

I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm desperate. We've had a gas leak.

Oh, no! Do you need some help?

I've called the engineers in,

but I need somewhere to put the kids while it gets fixed

and my usual baby-sitter's not picking up.

I was wondering if there's any chance I could impose?

Well, the thing is... Yeah, there's a thing.

I wouldn't ask, it's just I need to keep my little darlings safe.

SHE CHUCKLES You understand, you have children.

Y... Well...what are neighbours for?

The more the merrier! Thank you!

This is Ava, and Cain.

Here's my number in case you need me.

Don't come to the house. I wouldn't want you in any danger.

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

Well, we'll...we'll be fine here, won't we?

Thank you!

Oooh! Ha-ha! Who's up for some fun?

EMMA SIGHS

DOORBELL CHIMES

THUNDERCLAP

ALL: Trick or treat?

For goodness' sake, stop being so immature!

Or do I have to speak your parents?!

ALL: Oooh! Go away!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Didn't you hear what I said?! Trick or treat, humanoid?

Al?

Who is this Al? I am El Diablo.

Give me your sweets, or I'll eat your soul.

Who put you up to this? No-one.

I just thought I'd come and see you, or stay at home getting pestered

by young kids who think that a vampire costume

is a stupid haircut and a pout.

And you know what they say, two heads is better than one.

So let me get this straight,

you don't want to go out because Emma's upset,

but Emma's not going to be at home anyway.

Yeah. So, where's the harm?

I'm just not feeling it.

Come on, it's Halloween!

It's the only time of the year

I can dress as a superhero and not have people laugh.

With your legs in tights, I wouldn't bet on that.

It just doesn't feel right,

having a laugh so soon after the funeral.

I had a lot of time for Howard, too.

But how is you moping around going to help him, or Emma?

I'm not moping.

Then prove it.

THUNDERCLAP

Oh, wow! The Nation's Favourite Military Marches.

He probably uses this to set a romantic tone.

Few candles, some roses

and then track four, Colonel Bogey.

Used to. Say again?

He...used to use it to set the mood.

The Eagles.

Do you think he used to sing along to this?

Right, that's enough! This is Howard's life.

I-I don't want you here if you're just going to take the mick.

Ooo, can I take the Mick Jagger? Because that's a really good album.

How you deal with distressed patients is beyond me!

Here we go.

Yeah, I predicted this.

Oh, really? Predicted what? Do enlighten me.

That you'd be spending the evening weeping, maudlin through his stuff,

sniffing his jumpers.

So, what if I am? It's a little bit sentimental, isn't it?

It's a bit touchy-feely.

It's something you'd read about in a magazine.

"12 easy steps to uncover your inner grief."

Yeah, well, maybe you could do with some touchy-feely.

Clearly, you're in denial if you're this jolly.

I'm going to put the pizzas on.

Leave you to rend your garments in peace.

THUNDERCLAP

Right. What do we have here?

Oh! Very nice.

Two people with their heads chopped off.

Very graphic.

Um...have you finished with that pineapple yet?

Because this is my very special Halloween punch.

You're going to be delighted. Great(!)

And now for the final ingredient, peach schnapps.

Seriously? Yeah. Why? You're 16, aren't you?

And it is only a drop, mind.

My dad used to sneak me some of his cognac when I was a kid.

Oh, yeah? Where's he now?

Him and Mum split a few months back.

They fight all the time.

It can get a bit hands-on.

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be hard.

No. He's a real jerk.

I'm glad he's moved out. Except now, Mum won't let me do anything.

Yeah, well, when you're a mum, you'll be protective, too.

Not likely. I'd let them live their life.

And is there somebody special

you'd rather be living your life with right now?

No. As if!

THUNDERCLAP

Aw! Come on, I'll get the torch.

KNOCK AT DOOR

THUNDERCLAP

Emma? Emma, look at this!

Was he expecting some kind of nuclear attack?

Well, maybe he kept it for sentimental value.

How silly of him.

Oh, I thought you might want this.

It's his diary from the 40-day dates.

Yeah. We could try and publish it,

but it might be a bit sentimental.

He didn't have a clue, did he?

All those silly games.

Why did I waste so much time?

You were really good for each other.

Why do you think there was a problem?

EMMA SIGHS Don't give up the day job, counsellor.

Howard really enjoyed it.

I think appealed to his love of rules, lists.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it helped in the end.

Let's not forget, I've read that diary.

You both had quite an adventure.

Yes, we did. EMMA CHUCKLES

That weekend away, my goodness!

So, this is Howard's saucy secret?

The one that had him limping for two weeks?

Well, not quite so saucy.

I was so nervous when I got to the hotel

that I just jumped on him and gave him groin strain.

THEY LAUGH

We spent the weekend in bed, all right,

but most of it with an icepack on his pants!

THEY LAUGH

DOORBELL CHIMES I'll get that.

DOOR CREAKS

Oi! LAUGHTER

You little...!

That is not a trick. That is assault.

# Yes, I got a black magic woman

# Got me so blind that I can't see

# She's a black magic woman

# And she's trying to make a devil out of me...#

50 pence a shot!

This place is a health hazard.

Sorry? What? To a good night!

I know you're not sipping that for the taste.

Here, you have it. I told you, I'm not feeling it.

We can always go. No, you wanted to come out.

To cheer us up.

Being around death professionally,

it's made me want to live life to the full.

But we can do that at home in front of the telly with a nice cup of tea.

Not too hot, though. I don't want to get overexcited(!)

Sorry. This is my first night out since all that business with Hayden.

Ah! Mr Work Hard, Party Hard.

There I was thinking I was so street,

and he just had me for a fool.

We all fell for it. I should've known better.

If he could con me, who else could?

That's a good point.

Let's discuss it on the dance floor.

No. Knock it off! Oh, come on!

DEMONIC VOICE: Let's throw some shapes!

MUSIC BLARES

What're you doing? What does it look like?

We're dancing! Come on, have a dance!

No. A shift at work would've been more relaxing.

THUNDERCLAP

Aw! Spoilsport!

There is a God!

Where's that torch?

Bring a candle.

Where am I going to find...?

Will I bring this? Yes!

DOOR CREAKS

Have you left that back door open? No!

THEY SCREAM

Corporal Haskey reporting for duty, Ma'am.

Now, I'm not sure how camouflage works,

but if I stand really still, can you see me?

Y... Could you start emptying some cupboards, please?

Wow!

Hey, Howard had himself

one serious sweet tooth, didn't he?

He had, um...issues with food.

What?! No, he didn't.

He suffered with bulimia.

Bulimia? He hid it well.

Oh, you are not kidding.

I've no small talent for medical diagnosis and...

..I didn't have a clue.

Well...at least we've got something to give the trick or treaters, eh?

Your boyfriend will be fine.

His parents will meet him at A

You can stay here because you've got some explaining to do.

Why? You wouldn't let me go see him, so he came for me. End of.

He broke into our house!

He's romantic. He's a stalker.

If I fall in love, who's to stop me?

Your mum!

She won't let me do anything!

Just because she got burned by Dad,

now we all have to be miserable, like her!

If my daughter was dating somebody who looked like that,

I wouldn't let her do anything either.

Why are you taking her side?

She lied to you.

You don't actually think there's a gas leak?

She just wants us out of the house.

I can't think why(!)

Probably because Dad's going to turn up

and they'll get into another huge fight. Good(!)

Hang on a minute.

Cain...are these people your mum and dad?

THUNDERCLAP

Do you want to move on?

Of course. Well, there is no time like the present.

Out with the old.

What use is some suit going to do stuck in a box in your attic?

Look, not everything has to be useful.

It's...it's a touchstone.

What, this jacket's a touchstone, or is it this jacket?

Not the jackets!

Him!

I'd have thought that Sam's death

would've prepared you better for this one.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you've been lost before, you know the way out.

Bereavement is just a stage of life.

And like any stage, it is quantified.

It doesn't come with a manual.

You just struggle through it the best way you can.

It'd be good if it did come with a manual, though, wouldn't it?

Or even better, an app.

The app could have a little calendar function

that tells you where you are, what you should be feeling,

when to move on. No, no, no, no.

Emma, hear me out. This is... this is really useful, isn't it?

HE SIGHS

MUSIC BLARES

What happened to you?

You missed my dance-off with Iron Man.

Who won? I'd rather not say.

You all right?

What's happening here?

Well, I'm getting drunk.

With us, you prat.

Can we really just go out and be mates?

You're determined not to have a good time tonight.

You're the one shooting me saucy looks across the dance floor.

What? I wasn't!

They were for that girl over there!

What girl? The one dancing with Iron Man.

Like I said, I don't want to talk about it. Oh.

As gorgeous as we both are, I think we can resist.

I wasn't pining for you when I was away in Hereford.

I met a girl, Mona. Outdoors type.

She took me rock climbing a couple of times.

I wasn't very good at it.

She ended up dumping me for someone a bit more adventurous.

Great! Now I feel like a right numpty.

Yeah, and so you should...bighead!

SHE CHUCKLES

Just friends? Yeah.

Any more problems? No. Only the one Iron Man's going to have

when I kick his butt all over the dance floor.

AL SIGHS

You don't want my help, do you?

Finally, he gets it!

Every training course that Howard forced me to go on

tells me that you shouldn't be going through the grieving process alone.

And they also say that people need space!

Well, actually, isolation is associated with denial.

Are you feeling isolated, Emma?

How I feel is none of your business!

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

If you can't handle adult emotions, then take your sweets,

your apps and your psychobabble and leave!

You want a quick fix.

There isn't one!

He's dead!

And I have to deal with that.

No, I don't accept that.

Why not?

Why is it so important to fix me?!

I don't know.

I just miss him, Emma.

I want to talk to him.

I want to tell him about everything that's been happening.

I just miss him.

I know the feeling.

Yeah, but everybody's worried about you. What about me?

What about you?

I-I'm not hogging the sympathy.

Aren't you?

Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss something

between organising the funeral and clearing out the house?

I didn't want you here! But that's my point!

I didn't come here to help you, I came here to help myself!

I'm trying to find some closure, Emma.

Then find it without involving me!

I'll just tidy this all up, yeah?

HE SIGHS

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

THUNDERCLAP

Maybe you should go back. Fat chance!

I'm not leaving you to tackle some violent psycho on your own!

We don't know that there is one yet.

And anyway, I'm not really sure how you can help.

I've got this. THUNDERCLAP

You've got to stop hitting people!

You can't walk around threatening everyone with a hammer! Well...

Hm.

Ah! Is that blood?!

I don't know, but it's not ketchup.

Oh, that'll stain.

Is that real?!

No!

ENGINE WHIRS

Oh! Blooming heck, what's going on?!

It's like something out of that film we watched! Saw.

All right, grammar Nazi.

WHIRRING

CAT SCREECHES

Al?

I want to apologise.

I had no idea.

You're pregnant.

No. I miscarried.

That's why Howard and I were at the hospital.

HE SIGHS That's horrible.

I'm so sorry, Emma.

You don't need to apologise.

I know you loved Howard.

We all did.

But, you know, we'll get through it.

Together.

I tell you something we haven't packed.

Howard's wine collection.

And, well, we should probably check that it hasn't spoilt.

Yeah, that's a good call.

We wouldn't want any innocents

getting poisoned by suspect booze, would we? No.

THEY CHUCKLE

Lead on, I'll follow.

THEY SCREAM

Stop! Stop! I'm a police officer!

Get off me! Calm down!

Oh, her husband's very hairy!

It's not my...husband!

First Sam, now Howard.

I don't want to be known as some endless widow.

Endless widow?

I think they were a thrash metal band in the '80s.

And if they weren't, then they should have been.

Well, I'm a devil on the castanets.

THEY LAUGH

I'm too old to have another baby.

I was rubbish at it the first time around.

Maybe this baby's had a lucky escape.

Was it a boy or a girl?

A boy.

John...Howard Bellamy.

Oh, Al!

I wanted that baby so much.

I think I convinced myself...

..that he would finally bring me and Howard together.

But now I think about it...

..maybe I'm relieved.

Really?

That makes me sound like a cold-hearted bitch, doesn't it?

You're not cold-hearted really.

If you had a patient come to see you next week

in your exact situation,

what would you say to them?

I would say...

..it's OK to feel like that.

That it's not your fault.

And you shouldn't feel guilty.

Emma?

It's all right to feel like this.

HE SIGHS

Howard would've made a cracking dad, wouldn't he?

Yes.

Yes, he would.

Look, I got distracted when I was backing the car out and...

..I ran the dog over. It was an accident!

Oh, arrest her, Rob. She's killed a poor, defenceless animal.

It's you who should be locked up for leaving my children unattended!

What, leaving Ava to look after her brother for half an hour

doesn't compare to having a dead dog in your boot!

All right, calm down.

Why did you try and cover it up?

The kids already hate their deadbeat father.

I don't want them despising me an' all,

so I hid the body, got the kids out the house.

I would've got away with it, too, if it hadn't been for your snooping!

Mum?! You ran over Fester?

Worst baby-sitter ever!

I'm sorry. I got angry

when your idiot boyfriend sent you a sleazy text.

You were going through my phone again? I was protecting you!

He turned up here an' all, till I sent him packing.

He's always hanging around.

You make him sound like a stalker!

Rob, if I called the police, would you think,

"Oh, young love," or, "serial killer"?

He's odd.

He didn't break into our house to leave a box of Milk Tray.

I finally got rid of one moody control freak.

If your daddy issues bring another home,

I'll have him in the boot of that car an' all.

Are you saying you'd kill Kyle to protect me?

A thousand times over.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said. Aw!

You do know your dog's dead?

Good riddance. It was Dad's.

Nasty, stinking thing.

By killing the dog, I feel we've finally released my husband's ghost.

But he's not dead, though, is he?

Alive and well in Leamington, worse luck.

CLOCK CHIMES

Oh, is that the time?

Um...we've, um...

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, of course. How about dinner some time?

Don't worry, it won't be dog on the menu.

THEY LAUGH

Bye. Bye!

RATTLING

What's that?

Oh! My head...!

Ssh! Listen.

RATTLING

THUNDERCLAP

It's those pesky trick or treaters. They're back for more.

LAUGHTER Maybe we should just give them the sweets.

No. We're not giving them Howard's sweets.

Would Howard let them win?

Not a chance!

THUNDERCLAP

When I first met Howard, I was, like, "Really? Howard, really?"

And then he grew on me.

And then he was one of my favourites.

And then...he was gone.

Sid, he had such great hair!

I know.

I'm sorry, I'm...I'm just blabbing.

It's OK. It's good to talk about it.

Oh!

Romance is definitely dead.

THUNDERCLAP

DOOR CREAKS

MANIC LAUGHTER / SCREAMING

THEY LAUGH

And to the victors go the spoils.

Howard would be proud!

EMMA LAUGHS

THUNDERCLAP

Ah!

Jimmi, do not let that woman anywhere near this practice.

It's dead in the water, OK? Did you sort out that paperwork?

Yes, we did it yesterday. Remember?

Oh.

Do you want me to treat you like a doctor, or a patient?

I just want people to stop treating me like I'm going to break.

Can you stop papping me, please, James?

Oh, come on, give me a break. Don't you want to be a model?

# There's nothing you can do that can't be done

# There's nothing you can do that can't be done

# Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

# It's easy

# All you need is love