Perfect Doctors

Will you look at that?!

I am definitely a lemon juice and baking soda girl from now on.

Can't wait to show everybody,

and all the freebies.

I'm going to put them up there. They're going to look great.

I thought tonight was about supporting Valerie

and taking everyone's mind off Howard?

Not showcasing our new kitchen.

Uh...

If it's our new kitchen, how come you're leaving?

I told you. The Federation rep changed his visit

at the last minute.

The last minute being when I told you that this was happening?

Maybe. I'm disappointed.

I would much rather stay here, sinking a beer

and watching Valerie do her burp-the-sandwich-box routine,

and messing up all your surfaces.

It's not just any old sandwich box - Cook's Heaven.

And I thought they were our surfaces.

Bye.

Brochures, spoon, apron.

Nerves...not needed.

Hair, make-up.

Inspire them to be seduced.

Be what they want to become.

You are a domestic goddess, always grace under pressure.

Welcome to the Cook's Heaven experience. I'm delighted

to see such a range of potential Angels here today.

We have been tagged with that yummy-mummy label,

which can be so limiting.

Good cooking in a perfect environment is for everyone.

Hello, um, excuse me, is this the Brunswick Room?

Because I was sent to the Arndale Suite,

and that turned out to be a stairlift convention.

Yes. Brunswick, Cook's Heaven. Like you, we were moved.

Right. I'm Valerie Pitman, here to earn my halo.

Well, HALO, Valerie, we're just getting started.

Quickly now, anywhere will do.

As I was saying,

I'm Trisha, I'm your coordinator for the Greater Midlands area.

Your guardian Angel, so to speak.

Karen, this is lovely.

It looks like a showroom.

Everything I've bought will look right at home here.

That's the plan. I've been looking at the brochure again.

I just need to pop some things in the fridge.

And there's a couple of things that I've marked, cos I fancy them.

VALERIE GASPS Karen!

It's like the TARDIS. This is ideal for the very popular canape platter,

page 23. Saves you having to lay things out at the last minute.

Do you know what? Will you tell me about the ice-cream maker?

I tried some, specially made for a demo.

Would you believe it, lavender ice cream?

Colour? Flavour.

It was like an English garden on your tongue, and so easy to make.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ohh! Are you all set?

Oh! A Cook's Heaven Angel is always ready.

Leave them in no doubt that a Cook's Heaven recommended product, be it

a state-of-the-art ice-cream maker or a humble whisk, is a product

designed to make every culinary experience stress-free and a joy.

How is their life complete without one?

How do they become you -

the embodiment of the perfect hostess, without what you

have to offer, as you lead them through the luxury brochure?

It is important to establish a connection with your party group

from the word go,

to inspire them to be seduced.

Good evening, Miss Pitman.

Welcome to your Cook's Heaven.

Ah. This is a wonderful kitchen to cook in.

I'm really looking forward to this. I'm ever so glad you could come.

I thought it would be a nice way to get to meet everyone.

I mean, we are going to be working together soon.

The more, the merrier.

We are waiting for approval from St Philomena's.

Oh, but it's only a formality. Not quite.

Is this hard to clean? Not if you know how.

Cook's Heaven also have a list of approved cleaning products.

You only need three things to keep a spotless kitchen.

White vinegar, lemon juice and baking soda.

That's what I used!

I heard it is also very good for water spots...

If you just want to take a moment to look at the brochures...

Look at that, look at that! I'll be back in a sec.

Vinegar... Well, I didn't, I used lemon.

Deep breath.

I am in my element.

I am the wind beneath my own Angel wings.

I didn't know you could make it.

I'm not putting you out, am I?

No, no, it's more of a party this way.

It's fine. I just needed to get out of the house.

But no quiet looks of concern or sympathetic hugs, please.

Yeah, sure, come on. Come and sit down.

You are in good company here.

Karen, she's not as strong as she looks, but she's a lot less...

Sad? Well, closed off. But let's just keep an eye on her.

OK.

Hello, everyone. So who is ready to meet the Heavenly Stirrer?

Emma!

Emma. What's the Heavenly Stirrer?

Oh, it's just a little game, sort of an ice-breaker.

Oh, sounds like fun.

This suddenly got way more interesting.

Ah, I didn't know they let feminists into kitchenware parties!

I hope you've left your placards at home, ladies.

Yeah, in the drawer with the burning bras(!)

I'm sure we're all independent women here tonight.

I'm sure we all enjoy a well-prepared meal.

I'm desperate to know what the Heavenly Stirrer is.

Right, let's get started.

Meet the Heavenly Stirrer, our unofficial mascot.

She stirs up fun, she scoops up the distracted.

You hand her out at random and tell them whenever you say a keyword,

like "stir" or "bake", the spoon is passed to the next person.

Like pass the parcel?

Exactly! And whoever has the spoon at the end of the party wins

a prize. So who decides the word?

Because if you're doing your presentation to friends,

how do you make sure it doesn't look rigged?

You've led us to an important point there, Valerie.

When you are representing Cook's Heaven,

try not to think in terms of friends. You are at work, these

are your clients, these are contacts to arrange future gatherings.

But... Always be networking. Spread your wings, ladies,

and always keep one ideal in front of you - they want to buy,

you want to make that happen.

And don't be afraid to fly high, ladies.

Show them that you are the person they should aspire to be.

So whenever I say the word "perfect"...

Pass the spoon. I've got it.

Now, I don't know about you, but I sometimes find it a chore

being a busy career woman and

yet still finding the time to have the perfect meal...

Ah, yeah.

..ready on the table for my man when he gets home.

As a busy career woman, I'd expect him to pitch in.

Too right.

But men never get anything right in the kitchen, do they?

They don't know where anything is.

It's not like you need to draw them a map.

I mean, it's here, it's there.

They're so unadventurous with food, aren't they?

Let us not forget the achievements of Sergeant Hollins, who

could teach us all a thing or two about cooking, including his wife.

Maybe you could change your spiel for your audience tonight?

We're all pretty much single career women.

Yep, yep, we are. To be honest, most of the presentations I've done

so far have been for older ladies.

With families. Who have dinner parties?

And like everything to be perfect, yes.

Cos they're trying to get one up on their snotty friends.

I had a neighbour like that once.

Yes, but with a kitchen kitted out with fully tried-and-tested products

from Cook's Heaven, that would never happen.

Now, to our first activity.

How about the food mixer?

Perfect.

Now, who's going to volunteer?

Let's get mixing.

How about Ayesha?

Lure you away from that pierce-and-ping cuisine, shall we?

Give her some encouragement?

THEY CHEER Show us your cupcakes!

So, how often have you wavered over buying something - be it a blouse

or some shoes, and actually picking it up was the decider?

All the smooth talk in the world is no match for getting them

to try the products.

So, role-play. May I have a volunteer?

Valerie.

TRISHA LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Don't worry, you'll all be up here at some point, see if you're not!

So, how do we convince them this particular product is desirable?

I know. You find its USP.

That's unique selling point.

All products are carefully selected by Cook's Heaven.

They are all unique, full stop.

It's easy to clean, it's practical, it will

pay for itself in a short space of time.

You make them feel good about using it,

then they tell others how they feel,

and they want to try it too.

Sort of a shared experience... No, aspirational.

Talk about the trim lines, the ergonomic design,

just how good it will look in their kitchen.

Well, you don't know that unless you've seen their kitchen.

Make love to the product!

Make them love it, too.

Ooh.

Ooh, it's sleek...

It's...sporty...

Liquid should be added gradually to a batter mix.

Karen, tonight, I am your kitchen Angel, so let me wipe

while you take a look at

the indestructible plastic kitchenware range.

Now, these containers I understand are made from a material also

used in the NASA space programme.

For the day trips, probably, you know, packed lunches...

I thought they had liquid meals, anyway, astronauts?

No, it's scientifically developed plastic, it's resistant to

extreme temperatures for the Space Shuttle.

That's impressive.

Well, no, this is just a small part of the range.

You will find something here that's perfect for any kitchen.

Spoon!

I've got it. I haven't had it yet.

Now, from outer space to out of this world.

These are designed to meet the high demands of Japan's top chefs.

For sushi? I love sushi.

I'll make you some. Well, you could do it in half the time with these.

Now, I could get a great deal of use from this.

These will make any chef's life complete.

Ergonomic handles, single bevel blade

so the food does not stick.

I am cutting on a bestselling rubberwood chopping board,

although for the more ambitious amongst you,

these knives are an ideal accompaniment

for our exclusive range of sushi kits.

So, one product leads to another?

Well spotted. Work your presentations organically.

Start with something simple,

then build to the more ambitious products as you go.

But how sharp are they, I hear you ask?

How sharp are they, Trisha?

This is one of my favourite bits. Guaranteed sales every time,

ladies, but don't try it until you're fully confident.

Now, just to prove how sharp they are,

I'm going to slice this cucumber in mid-air.

How exciting is this?! Yes, just be careful.

ALARM BLARES

SCREAMING

Mrs Tembe!

My goodness, what do you think you are doing?!

Mrs Tembe, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

Is this how it normally goes? Cos this is a riot.

Do you ever hold parties where no-one's biting, so to speak?

You make sure that never happens.

Keep things going, keep the demos fun, keep everyone involved.

What would you do in a worst-case scenario?

I do like to know I'm fully prepared.

Preparation is the whole point. Failure to plan is

planning to fail.

Take everything I say on board and your fears will be unfounded.

Well, it was a bit long but not deep,

so I don't think there's any need for stitches, all right?

Well, it's not going very well downstairs.

I think that's par for the course when Valerie's involved.

Miss Pitman? It is not going too badly.

Really?

Wow.

The crab puffs won't all fit on the tray.

Shove them back in the fridge, ta.

Thought you said these were indestructible.

Well, it must be a faulty one because, honestly, you can

put them in the microwave, the freezer,

they are dishwasher proof.

If you get a set of these, you will never buy replacements,

they'll see us all out.

In fact... SHE LAUGHS

..plan ahead, save on costs and get buried in one!

SHE LAUGHS

Emma... Don't.

What's up? Another Cook's Heaven moment.

How's your arm? It's all fixed up.

I really am very sorry, Mrs Tembe. It was an accident.

Dr Donoghue assures me it is not serious.

Karen, is there anything else we can do to help?

The crab puffs are in. Oh, I'll top everyone up.

I am aware that this evening has been far from perfect...

Spoon!

Who had it last? I did. I must have put it down somewhere.

Did you take it upstairs? I am sure it will turn up.

I don't know, it does have wings.

But the prize! I don't know what the prize is.

And does the hostess get one?

Mrs Hollins, is that all this evening is to you?

Something for nothing?

No.

We're supporting Valerie.

There is more to life than placemats and olive-stoners.

Anything can happen to anyone at any time - look at poor Mr Bellamy.

Are you OK?

I knew this was a bad idea.

No, I'm fine. I had to face the world sooner or later.

She is a bit of a nightmare, isn't she?

No!

Oh, what now?

My finger's stuck. Are you sure?

No! My ring! Ow!

No, no. You're making it...

Ow!

Ow! Flamin' Ada!

Valerie, have you got the instructions?

We need some washing-up liquid.

That's Rob's beer, put it back in the fridge!

Miss Pitman, some washing-up liquid, please!

Please stop!

Everybody just please stop!

I'll take the starter kit and all the recommended models

in the top ten categories.

I am sold. You had me at "halo", to be honest.

And I'm a professional to my fingertips in everything I do.

I'll be gunning for your job, just you wait and see.

You think it's easy? Wave a knife, flash them a smile

and they simply fall at your feet?

I'm no stranger to the complexities of selling...or the kitchen.

Prove it.

I only wanted a whisk.

Just a simple whisk.

And I found Cook's Heaven, and it changed my life.

Because I needed something.

Life was bad.

I lost the sales rep job after a month.

Couldn't face going back to medical temping.

I was managing the desk at a sewage treatment works

until I came back to the Mill.

I thought this would be my way out,

but I am heavily in debt.

You have to buy all this stuff.

That's another thing that Ashley and I are fighting about.

At each other's throats all the time.

Sex is a disaster.

I haven't had my socks blown off since last Easter.

THEY STIFLE LAUGHTER

And that was more to do with chocolate than with Ashley.

They're all useless at the end of the day, aren't they?

Life is just grief and misery with or without them.

I mean, you get more and more desperate.

But still, there's a tiny little part of you that's thinking,

"Could I make a better cheese sauce if I only had

"a new rolled steel whisk?!"

Oh! When does it start to go right?

When do you get to that point where you've finally arrived

and you can put all the uncertainty behind you?

Because whenever it is, you can bet that it doesn't begin with

choosing the right...bloody whisk!

Everyone here has the potential to achieve Cook's Heaven's status

and, ultimately, we want your clients to see someone who embodies

what we represent.

A Cook's Heaven Angel can host a dinner party at a moment's notice.

She has absolute faith in her kitchenware.

It will never fail her, just as I know you will not let me down.

You will be grace under pressure.

I know this because you are learning from the best.

I have been Regional Sales Coordinator of the Year

four years running, an award they don't hand out lightly.

One more top sales award and I'm off to Cook's Heaven, Arizona,

where I achieve Archangel status.

So, come on, ladies, don't fail me,

let's fill the kitchens of the Midlands with Angels!

Hey.

How are you doing?

I'll be down in a minute.

Mustn't keep you all waiting. Oh...

Suppose everyone's talking about me.

"That's just Valerie being Valerie."

Actually, they're all wondering where you buy that chocolate from.

RHUMA LAUGHS

That was some outburst. I mean, I've always though she was a bit...

Frustrated?

Nurse Lee!

Tightly wound.

It sounds like she's been holding on to a lot for an awfully long time.

Yeah, but all the time giving us this "princess homemaker" routine.

It's terrible,

but it kind of makes you feel better about your own problems. Really?

Well, what do any of us have that makes us feel so superior?

You're not the first person to try and paper over

the cracks in a relationship.

I've seen people try all sorts, from feng shui to having a baby.

I've got a cat. Not that I regret it.

But they're not really fixing anything, are they?

You know, fixating on a whisk,

that's not confronting the real problem.

Like, you think I should have made Ashley go and choose one?

Take some responsibility?

Yeah, yes, sort of.

Hey. Look what I found.

Where was that? It was upstairs.

How did it get there?

Well, it's back now, so...let's get the evening back on track.

Do you know, I think we've all had enough. I agree.

Oh. Well, we'll just chalk it up to experience.

I'll sort out what you've won.

No, I was thinking... It says here, "Should a prize-winner decide

"not to receive a free gift, Cook's Heaven can make an equivalent

"donation to a charity of your choice."

If that's what you'd like?

And I thought...

research into aneurysms...

Well, perhaps we could all make an additional donation on top of this.

That's a lovely idea. We'll be happy to.

Yes.

Good call, Karen. Count me in.

So it's all gone a bit... THEY LAUGH

Well, feel free to cheer us up. Oh, no, no, no...

Come on, new girl! Potential new staff member.

OK, your categories are - medical or kitchen.

OK, well, I once got the nickname Sister Spin Dry...

CLATTERING

Valerie... You know your indestructible pasta-maker?

Not Ayesha proof, I take it?

Is anything?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING ON TV

Hook 'im! Go on!

Get into 'im!

PHONE RINGS

POSH VOICE: Trisha McBride.

Trisha, Angel Valerie here. Sorry to ring you so late.

Valerie, what can I do for you?

Well, I just wondered if you could explain the insurance procedures

to me for work-related accidents, kitchen mishaps, broken products...

You're an independent trader, Valerie.

Insurance is a personal responsibility.

So there's no company...umbrella?

It's in the small print of the agreement you signed.

Cook's Heaven accepts no liability, etc.

Not even for products that you've approved that are supposed to

be indestructible?

Well, I'm sure the manufacturer can replace it for a cover fee.

Whatever were you doing with said product?

Oh, nothing. Someone got their fingers caught in...

Caught?!

I shudder to think about your demo technique, Valerie.

Valerie, have you considered that perhaps you might not be

Cook's Heaven material after all? Just after one incident?

Your product orders in the last month have been very anaemic.

Do you know how to go for the kill? I'd understand

if you wanted to call it a day.

There's no shame in it. It's not for everyone.

And maybe being a Cook's Heaven Angel

isn't all it's cracked up to be.

It is better to earn your wings as a friend

than a...spoon-fondler.

Evening. Where is everybody?

I thought things would still be in full swing. Called it a night.

Anyway, my belly feels like my throat's been cut.

I don't suppose you managed to save

any of the wonderful stuff that Valerie whisked up?

There was no whisking. Oh, dear.

But there are some burnt crab puffs that have been on the floor.

Right, do you know what, I think I might have a beer instead.

Where is my beer?

It's in Ayesha.

Fireworks? Indoors?

Isn't that a little bit dangerous?

SPEAKS FARSI

Na!

Let her go. It's not your business.

They are a serious health and safety issue. They're just fireworks.

She says that Haridas has a secret.

Remember, remember the 5th of November,

third-degree burns and tears.