Working the Net Doctors

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Ah, Dr Donaghue.

Mrs Tembe. About this PPG meeting.

I have found Mr Bellamy's research.

Research?

The Evolution of Patient Participation Groups

in the Letherbridge Area.

He has employed a four-hole hole punch.

Two holes can seriously compromise the entire file.

Hole three is for the belt, hole four is for the braces.

The thing is, I've slept on it

and a lot of what you said made so much sense, but I feel...

Are you OK?

I've just been counting my blessings.

I am very lucky to have such wonderful people to support me.

I am sorry, you said you slept on it?

And I won't let you down.

Well, I'd better read this.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, you, are you checking up on your mum already?

Yes, I know it's a big day but I'm a big girl.

Tonight? I don't know, go to the chippy then over to the park

and watch the fireworks.

Sound like a plan?

Excellent!

OK. Oh, tell your sister not...

DANIEL: New colleagues are always an adjustment.

They call her the earth mother.

That's apt. Really?

It sounds grubby and bizarre.

She even claimed that...

It's just too ridiculous.

What is? She claimed that some women during childbirth

experience a climax.

What? Ruhma has? Personally?

No, no, she's yet to thrust her own physicality into the conversation,

but she is less reticent about her euphoric patients.

Well, I say give the woman a chance, Heston.

From what I know of her she'll be a breath of fresh air.

She's a mum, she's a midwife, she's not a grubby monster

so don't build her into one.

I will have to call you back.

I am not happy about this.

How could they?

Who?

The cleaning contractors.

If they think they can pull the wool over my eyes

they have another think coming.

We have lost a dear friend

and they are trying to profiteer from our grief.

How?

They are claiming that Mr Bellamy

verbally agreed to an across the board price increase.

The rob-dogs!

Verbally agreed! No! A man who uses a four-hole hole punch.

Anyway, can I talk to you about zero tolerance?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

You know that slimy medical rep from SwiftMediKit.com?

Gideon Oliver? Slimy? No, he's always extremely polite.

No, he's polite to you. But he's vile to the rest of us.

He's always looking at your chest or your bum

and trying to get you to talk about sex.

Well, I beg you, try to keep him away from Miss Pitman!

Zero tolerance?

So, I wondered if it was all right if I could slap him.

Mrs Hollins,

if Mr Oliver behaves in any way inappropriate...

He will.

I trust that you will deal with him.

Good. Whoa! Appropriately.

You will keep your dignity at all times

but you must absolutely not hit him.

I want your word on this.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, sorry for interrupting. We're going to have to postpone

our session, Mrs Tembe. And Ruhma's in the staffroom.

But...? Sorry, I've got to go. Back as soon as I can.

Wait, do I have it? What?

Your word. Yeah.

It was an emergency C-section. In fact, my Uncle Phil was one of the

first dads to be at one. They'd only just started epidurals

for Caesareans back then. At the QE? Early '80s?

And he loves telling that story to freak people out.

He says "You know you're in trouble,

"when the midwife put her wellies on!"

Oh, Dr Carter!

You're not scurrying away, are you? Not on my first day.

I forgot to put my tablet on charge.

Surely it can wait?

Drink, Dr Carter? Yes.

You see, that's better. Nice cuppa.

Proper tea, proper coffee.

We do our best.

I bet you're a tea drinker, aren't you?

OK, let's have a guess, Earl Grey?

Too obvious. Oh, hang on - Lapsang Souchong.

Nice. I'm a Tetley girl myself. Oh, Mrs Tembe.

Sister Hanif, I am so sorry that I was not here to welcome you.

We had an invoice fiasco.

The cleaning contractors.

I have had this made for you.

Welcome to The Mill Health Centre. Thank you.

The ancillary members of staff all wear name badges.

Then I will wear one too.

Well, I have to get on.

I'll find you if I need you.

Well, now we all know who we are, if you need to

talk to a senior member of staff, I'm at your disposal.

As long as we all know who's a serf and who's the major-domo?

Oh! That is your evil plans notebook.

It's just some notes for the PPG meeting.

What's funny? No, no, nothing.

The PPG is a terrific organisation - they give voice to patients

and service users across our NHS.

Do you want to come? It could be fun. No way!

I not going to waste my time with that bunch of crackpots.

Daniel, I don't suppose you

want to come to the PPG meeting, eh, eh? No? OK.

You'll be wanting someone to take the minutes.

I'm sure Ashley's organised secretarials.

Ha! Has he?

Hasn't he? Probably not.

But never fear!

Peerless Pitman's secretarial back-up is in the building!

I couldn't ask you to give up your lunch break.

We'll take your car. OK.

Oi-oi. I do do more than just make tea, you know.

I'm sure you do.

You must be very important, you don't wear a name badge.

It's a bit of a honeypot, this staffroom, isn't it, Dr Carter?

Sometimes I like to work here.

I've got to find time for my pilates classes.

I take cod liver oil myself.

Old school rocks(!)

In fact, when I was a kid, my auntie got these two big pots

of cod liver oil capsules from this bloke in the Bullring.

Huge, they were, and they never dissolved properly.

My mum used to make me take one at breakfast, then it'd get stuck in my

throat somewhere, and I'd still be having

fishy burps at afternoon break.

There's a lot more to old wives' tales

than they would like us to believe.

What do you think about that, Dr Carter?

I'm sorry, I've got work to do.

I am appalled that they are seeking to profit in this way...

BANGING

I am certain they are lying about the price increase.

BANGING CONTINUES

Shall I? No, I will, er...

Let me. Thank you.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Yes.

They. Who is this "they" that she is so dismissive of?

It's you and me. People with training and medical degrees.

Are we talking about Ruhma?

She talks rubbish.

Am I the only one who sees that?

Heston, she's experienced, she's competent and she's skilled.

Can I give you some advice?

Step away from aggravation,

avoid all topics of disagreement, bite your tongue.

This morning she called me the major-domo.

That's not a compliment, is it? No.

Take the moral high ground, Heston. Climb up there, and keep the peace.

Slap me if I'm putting my foot in it here, but you and Ashley, are you...?

No matter how much water has gone under my bridge, Dr Donoghue,

I remain supportive and afloat.

Ashley may yet be a ship that passes in the night, admittedly

a very long night, or he may still prove to be my sail mate.

Soul mate.

I was going for the nautical theme. Sure.

So you're still together?

SHE SIGHS

I dragged sex out into the open in front of all of you the other night.

Sex may yet be the undoing of us all.

Karen!

Ah, Gideon. Would you like to come through?

Er... So, is, er...

is Sister Hanif making an impression?

Oh, yes.

Er...

Well, I am scheduled to attend my

first networking event this afternoon.

Networking?

Uh, well, yes.

Women in industry, commerce, arts, health, welfare.

As I said, if there is going to be a problem...

We are all grown-ups.

Sorry to say, but the cleaners are definitely cost cutting, you know.

The consulting room used to smell lovely and fresh, but whatever

they're using now is giving me a bit of an itch. Why, oh, why have I been given lined notepads?

I use squared. Everybody knows that. It's not difficult, is it?

Mrs Tembe - sorry - Gideon Oliver's in the staffroom.

Karen made him cry.

I thought you should know.

Grown-ups.

PHONE RINGS

Best not face the beast without lubrication.

The beast?

Ha-ha, only joking.

Or am I?

# Now there was a time when they used to say

# That behind every great man

# There had to be a great woman

# But in these times of change you know that it's... #

I called earlier. The correct title should be Acting Practice Manager.

# Cos there's somethin' we forgot to say to you

# Sisters are doin' it for themselves... #

Please minute the chairman's request for apologies from those who

cannot attend.

Today's guest medical. She's been briefed.

Thank you, Ashley.

Hello.

My name is Dr Niamh Donoghue and I'm an alcoholic.

VALERIE LAUGHS

That's a good one. Course she's not really an alcoholic.

But hardly amusing if you are.

Hello! Sense of humour bypass!

Is it, Mrs Nash?

But please, do continue, Doctor.

I think I'll sit down. Sorry.

Excuse me, have you been to many of these...?

Sorry, online auction. Right.

Hi, Penny Pearce. Last minute, no badge.

That's Patricia Meer. She's way too successful for a badge.

And you are?

I'm mortified and this is awful

but I've come out without cash, like the queen!

They'll clamp me. Could you? Just a fiver.

I'll return it later. I couldn't find a cash point.

Yes, of course.

I thought parking would be free. Didn't you?

Where did you park, Winifred?

I prefer Mrs Tembe. I came in a taxi.

Lifesaver!

58, 59, 60!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. An appropriate 60 seconds.

A minute's silence in the memory of the Captain, a man we all miss.

He was prompt and always immaculately turned out.

Few men could carry off that quiff.

He was always across the literature, facts and figures sent out to him

prior to a meeting.

Although it has to be said that Captain Bellamy was not a man

without fault.

Iced midget gems and jammie dodgers?

I wouldn't say he was greedy, but he certainly liked a lot.

He never let statistics or research muddy his personal opinions.

He could be very obstructive.

Obstructive? Oh, yes.

Howard's passing has presented the PPG, finally,

with the opportunity it's been denied.

Proper patient steerage

and the chance to embrace some important campaigns.

My days! Not much of a turn out, is it?

And I was worried I'd not get a seat.

She is obviously more arts than commerce. Hello.

I'll sit with you. It'll be kinder if we try to look like a crowd.

I've just got to... That's fine, we'll wait.

No, please, get started. OK, OK.

You are?

Practice Manager. Practice, as in medical?

Yes, two surgeries in Letherbridge. You know Miss Pearce already?

Oh, you mean Penny? Least said, soonest mended in her case.

Like a little minty one?

Thank you.

So, what are we going to do to shake things up around here?

It's your health service. What do you want?

A doctor? Really?

Who hasn't read the notes?

Shaking up potential by the boatload

if only you'd read it, Dr Donoghue.

It wasn't saved as a PDF, which made it murder to print out in A4.

I am going to address the elephant in the room.

Community Radio. Waiting area entertainment.

It's my understanding that radio in waiting rooms has previously

been ruled out.

Are you ruling it out? No.

If there's data to read, I'll do that before I formulate an opinion.

Well, if Howard ruled it out, he must have had a good reason.

Dr Donoghue just told us she was going to shake things up

and listen, Valerie.

I hardly think I'm alone in hearing a coded message there.

I'll tell you what, Ashley,

why don't I conduct a poll amongst a dozen of my patients,

selected at random and get the lie of the land?

I could look into licences.

Obstructive!

OK, I think you'll find we're actually being the opposite, OK?

Anyone any good with presentation equipment?

I shall go and look for someone. Sorry about this.

At least there's wine!

Lunchtime limit of one, but a large one, eh?

I would prefer something soft.

I'll go and see what they've got.

Don't think you can intimidate me with your business suit

and your killer heels.

I don't want any trouble. I'm here to network.

Of course you are.

So, what's the next item on your agenda, Ashley?

My proposal.

An outright ban on artificial planting in any medical environment.

Why? Because your mother has a plastic aspidistra?

Synthetic plants are dust collectors and there is a link between dust

and methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus.

MRSA to you.

Thunder stealer! I told you that.

All right, so you're not a plant person?

I am. I just wasn't expecting a gift.

Joe helped pot up the baby ones, so I thought it'd be appropriate.

Thank you. Hang in there, OK? It'll be worth it.

I will. Do you know what this plant's going to be? Fecund.

Really? Fecund, it's a really good word.

As is major-domo. See ya. See you.

I am sorry when you said,

"Least said, soonest mended," what did you mean?

Do you know who that dark-haired woman is?

Yes. That is Patricia Meer.

Patricia Meer is senior partner at Goodwin, Meer and Meer.

Who knows what that Pearce woman is saying about me?

What makes you think she's saying anything?

She stole from me. There, I've said it.

That is a very grave accusation.

Call the slander police if you want to.

But never trust that woman with a red cent.

I have just loaned her money for parking.

Well, you can kiss goodbye to that.

No! Yes! She swindled me.

Hidden charges, sudden increases, invoices for things

I hadn't even had.

I know what that is like. That is awful.

Yes, it is!

Any further questions?

Do you not think your methodology is somewhat underhanded?

No.

If a surgery's published opening time is 8.30,

the surgery's phone should be answered at 8.30.

Promptly, by a person.

The Mill Health Centre's record?

Their phone went to answer machine at 8.34 and beyond

three times in the last week.

As you well know, Ashley, surgeries are swamped at opening times.

Forest View and North Street consistently perform better.

You've been checking up on me.

There, there, Valerie. You really mustn't take it personally.

You can't possibly believe I'd launder our relationship

linen in PPG public?

Complete failure of a day. I'm so sorry.

Some people have managed to network.

Yes, and we'll definitely meet again.

That is not likely. No, it is, because...

I have spent my morning battling with unscrupulous,

deceitful suppliers. Sadly, there are people like that everywhere.

We need to meet again, so I can give you your money back.

From what I have heard, that is also unlikely to happen.

You'll get your money back, whatever you've heard.

Hang on. We're supposed to be women supporting each other here.

That's what I thought. How stupid am I?

You need to tell me what's going on.

And you need to tell me exactly what you've heard?

I have had a conversation.

With her. Look at her.

So pleased with herself, so good at spreading poison.

Miss Wimpole feels cheated, financially.

What? She does? Unbelievable!

She's the one who's put my company in jeopardy.

Oh, I'm sorry, I do not understand?

Bad debts knacker small companies like mine.

I need to find work for my people, so here I am, dressed up,

which I hate. Forcing myself to network, only, for what?

So that devious, unscrupulous cow can tell lies about me.

And you believed her.

Well, you're wrong, and I'm going to prove it to you.

Oh, you found my placenta.

Are you out of your mind? What?

It's full of proteins, nutrients and, oh, it is delicious!

You have to try my placenta stroganoff.

Mwah! You would be an instant convert.

Placenta stroganoff? Yeah.

Do us a favour, though, bung it back in the fridge

cos it really does turn quickly.

I tell you what I'm going to do, I'll send you a link

cos there are loads of postpartum recipes online.

Oh! Or just put it in a smoothie, Heston,

you don't even have to cook it!

So, does anyone have anything else they'd like to say at the meeting?

Anything at all?

OK, in that case, I think we should call this meeting to a close.

Seconded! I don't think Captain Bellamy... Ashley!

Enough with the Howard card already.

Shall we? Well, honestly!

At first I thought she was just scatter-brained, a bad payer.

Our terms are 30 days, she went to 60, then 90,

then she sent in a list of complaints - all lies.

Can you not get your goods back? We're contract cleaners.

How much?

Best part of seven grand.

Well, it fits the remit of the Small Claims Court.

Court? I don't know... Did you do a good job?

Yes. Did you do everything you invoiced her company for?

Of course. Until you have been paid for your services,

you have not done business with this woman.

It is time to put your shoes on and fight.

Patricia, sorry, let me explain.

This should be priceless.

It was another events manager called Naomi.

I wasn't talking about your sister Naomi.

Really? It's just a mix-up.

You accused my sister of sleeping her way to the top.

But I can still pitch... Are you mad?

You are a great, big, dirty liar.

You are never, never going to work for me.

Oh, and while I'm at it, what's with this ridiculous hippy vibe?

Bad day?

Watch it get worse - I'm taking you to court.

Oh, we have been networking.

Ohh!

You do know there's more than 50 percent

of your daily salt allowance in that.

I don't care.

Bad PPG? Not so much as an iced midget gem.

Ooh, that's, er...not good.

Talking about iced midget gems, where is there to eat around here?

Well, there's The Icon. We should go there for lunch some time.

Fine, you're on.

So, how bad was this meeting?

Well, I had to shut down some pompous eejit.

Ah. How's your first day?

Oh, you know, I had to, er... shut down some pompous eejit.

Right.

And look! You could grow potatoes in it.

Mrs Hollins, please.

I'm just saying!

I'm going to wash my hands now.

Nice hair.

So, is this contract something you would like to tender for?

Absolutely. Well, if your quote is acceptable,

we will do a trial period. Of course.

And payment will be according to your terms and conditions.

That reminds me.

Here. Thank you.

Human placenta...

for placenta stroganoff.

Er, actually, Zara was into all this. She made a sauce out of hers.

Oh, smooth?

Silky smooth, yeah. What?!

Sorry, how is this funny? It's disgusting!

It's chicken liver. For pate.

Chicken liver pate.

THEY LAUGH

If you've got nothing nice to say, then best say nothing.

I thought age might have toughened you up a bit.

Could you do a pregnancy test?

Urine sample. Mine.

'You fancy her, don't you?'

Fancy her? Hardly an appropriate word for people of our age.

You speak for yourself, mate.

It must be somebody else's.

How dare you suggest that I've been unfaithful?!

# There's nothing you can do that can't be done

# Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

# It's easy