Mr Charity Doctors

PHONE RINGS

Ooh!

Um...ooh!

-Hi, Val.

-'I am not happy.'

-I'm very not happy.

-Why not?

Well, I just feel like we're missing the boat.

'What do you mean?'

Well, they're all away on their fun day, awayday wotsit,

and here we are, running two surgeries single-handedly.

Oh, you've got Niamh and we've both got locums.

-'Once she gets in from the dentist. Any sign of yours yet?'

-No.

I'm hoping for a George Clooney lookalike,

and no patients.

So he can spend all day

staring at me with those chocolate Labrador eyes.

I'll just be happy with someone with a pulse.

Just someone to chat to, really.

Oh...she's here, gotta go. Bye.

That is unacceptable. Do not phone me.

I will call you when I have made a decision. Goodbye.

-Morning.

-Morning.

-Doctor Chris Bassey.

I believe you were expecting me.

Um, yes, there's um...

Um...yes.

Did you find it all right?

Well, obviously, or I wouldn't be here, would I?

Sorry, I was just making conversation.

Please don't bother. Let us assume we have nothing in common.

You do your job, and I'll do mine.

-Works for me.

-Perfect.

Which way?

Thank you.

So here we are in the leafy green loveliness of Letherbridge.

A place with an average life expectancy of 82.

However, I'm about to go somewhere far more dangerous.

Road hog!

So let's have a look.

It's really sore. I think I fractured my wrist.

-You haven't.

-What?

-If you had, it would be much more swollen,

-and you wouldn't have been able to use the door handle.

-Oh.

It's just a graze. Now you're up to date with your tetanus,

so just make sure you keep it clean.

-Right.

-So how did it happen?

I fell on it. I think.

Well, you must remember, surely.

Oh, you know, I went out last night, had a bit to drink,

must have fallen over or something, but it doesn't really matter.

I think it does matter if you drank so much you don't remember yesterday.

-We all do it. You've got to let off steam somehow.

-No, you don't.

And if you're drinking so much that you lose control of your actions,

you're putting yourself in danger

of a serious accident, or a mugging, or worse.

Anyway, anything else?

Sorry, when you say "or something worse", are you talking about rape?

It's a possibility. If you're so drunk you can't defend yourself,

then you're putting yourself at risk of all sorts of things.

-Thank you so much for that.

-It's a pleasure.

So I'm putting myself at risk?

Cos I would have thought you'd blame the attacker, or the rapist.

-But oh, no. You're one of those who blames the victim.

-Oh, good!

So, having escaped one near-death experience,

I find myself at the doctor's, about to be injected by something toxic.

-Hey, can you stop doing that, please?

-What! Why?

Because it's against patient confidentiality, and it's annoying.

Sorry.

Ow! Ow!

You all right?

Well, actually, I was very nearly run over by a car outside.

Think I may have a bit of whiplash.

Mind you, I did manage to film it, though, so I may sue his hide.

-SHOUTING:

-I haven't, actually. I want an apology.

Someone's not happy.

I'm sorry that you take offence at sensible and practical advice.

It's not advice! It's patronising and it's shaming!

I don't know what I've said that's so wrong.

I'll tell you what's wrong.

I'm a member of the Women's Society, and every year,

400,000 women are raped or sexually assaulted.

Now how do we respond to that?

Do we stand together in community and condemn the rapists?

Or do we carry on blaming women

for drinking too much or wearing too little?

I really don't think I blamed you.

PHONE RINGS

I just think we need some common sense.

Like when people cross the road, they look left and right.

Which is not the same as saying

-I approve of people who run them over if they don't.

-Whatever.

Ow!

Who's next?

Oh, right. I'm just going to give you Hepatitis A.

Now there's a chat-up line!

Sorry. I was nearly hit by a car outside.

Must be some sort of delayed shock.

-Really?

-But I'll be brave.

-I'm actually off to Machu Picchu next week.

-Oh, yes?

To see the ancient Inca civilisation.

My daughter's been there. She said it was fascinating.

Except it's such a shame all the tourists keep ruining it.

I'm not there to gawp.

I'm actually raising money for a Peruvian orphanage.

Not until you've had a vaccination, you're not.

Can you please keep still?

She's a right cow.

I've got no idea what's going on with her, but...got to go. Bye.

Well, I'm off. See you next year.

If I survive.

Have fun.

Actually, could I ask you a teeny weeny favour?

What's that?

Would you like to make a small donation?

Or possibly a large donation?

I'm sorry, I've just given to my mate,

who's doing a ten-mile walk for breast cancer.

Yeah, but that is only ten miles.

Whereas I'll be trekking 100 miles across the Andes.

And that's fantastic, but if I gave to every fundraising student

who came in here, I would be bankrupt.

But I'm not asking you to give to every student. Just me.

Nice try, but I'm sorry. No.

OK, if you won't do it for me, how about...?

-IN A FUNNY VOICE:

-Pleeease, Mrs Hollins.

-It's for the llamas.

-Go away.

To buy some pyjamas.

Yeah. Go away.

-Pleeease.

-Go away!

Fine.

I have an important phone call to make.

So can you make sure I'm not disturbed

for the next ten minutes? Thank you.

SOUTH AMERICAN MUSIC

MUSIC CONTINUES

Excuse me.

Hello, Mr Barry?

You know perfectly well you're not meant to harass people

outside the surgery.

Your pitch is at the union.

Sorry. Sorry, Mr Barry, sorry.

Come on. I'll carry your bag.

-'You've reached the answerphone of Charles Weatherley.'

-Yes, I know!

-'I'm not here at the moment'

-Obviously.

-'So please leave a message after the tone.'

BEEP

Hi, Charlie. It's me.

I know I said I'd never speak to you again,

but I figured it doesn't count if it's on an answer machine.

-So, um...

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Two minutes!

Sorry. Um, we need to speak about Emily.

There was a new doctor consultant when I was there last and, um,

he says things like "moving forward", "paradigm shift".

And my personal favourite - "think out of the box".

Frankly, anyone who says that should be locked up.

Anyway, that's by the by. He wants a decision by Friday.

I have sat by her bed for two years.

I don't want to do that with my life,

but I don't want the alternative. And what I need...is your support.

Just to stand beside me, when I say...

BEEP

-Oh, of course.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

I'm really sorry to interrupt,

but Sophie Alwell is back and she wants to see you.

I'll be right out.

CAR ENGINE REVS

Hoi!

Oh, Miss Allman.

I've got a little something for your reception area.

It's not my reception area, but I'll have a look.

"Rape is caused by...drinking, no. Flirting, no. Rapists, yes."

Well, obviously, I agree with all of that,

but I still feel people should behave responsibly.

And if they don't, you shame them.

Don't be silly! I wasn't shaming you, Emily.

Sophie!

Sophie.

But if you feel that I did, then mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

-What was that about?

-I don't know. Perhaps you should ask her.

I'm thinking it's probably something YOU said.

Why do people react so sensitively?

Do they know there's more important things going on in the world?

What is it that you said?

She told me went out last night and got utterly drunk,

and cannot remember how she hurt herself.

And I said by getting that drunk,

you're putting yourself at risk of a serious assault.

A sexual assault?

Possibly.

OK, why do you think you saying that upset her?

Because she's a drama queen?

Or she really can't remember what happened last night,

so now she's thinking possibly...

Oh. I see.

Um, if you're going out for lunch, be careful,

cos there's a maniac driver. I nearly got ran over.

Did you?

Didn't that young fundraiser person say the same thing?

-Yes. He did.

-Oh.

-SOUTH AMERICAN MUSIC

-Greetings, friends!

-I... Oh, hold on.

-MUSIC STOPS

So, two weeks to go before I tread boldly in the footsteps

of Senor Francisco Pizarro.

Obviously I won't be murdering people

if they don't convert to Christianity, but...

-PHONE RINGS

-Hold on.

-Hello?

-Hi, Jeremy, it's Karen here from campus surgery.

Don't tell me - you've had a change of heart,

and now you want to donate your whole life's savings.

No, it's not that.

You know you said you were run over by a car this morning, or nearly?

I still have a slight twinge.

'Well, he nearly ran over me, and'

I think you said that you filmed it.

Hello, Sophie? It's Doctor Bassey here from the campus surgery.

Look, I know we didn't get off to the best start, but I'm on lunch now

and I wondered, could we meet up somewhere, off-campus?

Yes, that's fine.

So there I was, just vlogging along, then suddenly...

Wow, that was close!

I know! I was six inches away from taxidermy.

There's nobody else around. You're wearing that daft outfit.

There's no way that driver didn't see you.

Are you sure there isn't someone who has it in for you?

No, unless it's a case of mistaken identity.

Um, listen, could I just hang on to that memory card?

There's somebody I'd like to show it to.

Sure.

Ah!

What's this about, then?

Is it about the bag snatching? Cos I'm already onto that.

It's not that. Take a seat.

I was nearly run over at lunchtime.

Turns out there's a mad driver on campus.

'I'm about to go somewhere far more dangerous.'

Mr Charity.

'Road hog!'

That's more than dangerous driving - it's practically manslaughter.

Do you know whose car it is?

Let's have a look.

Flash car. Blacked-out windows. Licence plate covered up.

I could hazard a guess.

Yes?

-Drug dealers.

-Really?

Well, I don't think it's meals on wheels.

We've had a few nasty incidents,

but they seem to be getting more and more brazen.

You see Jeremy, the guy who filmed it,

do you think he could be involved?

Him? Mr Charity?

I saw him earlier raising money for some squirrel sanctuary.

I wouldn't have thought so.

I mean, I've had a few complaints

about his rowdy fundraising activities,

but I don't think he'd be involved with anything like that.

Well, it's T minus 13 days, and I'm just beginning to feel the fear.

I've been looking at the webcam of Machu Piccu

and it seems to have disappeared.

The whole city's been swallowed in mist.

I feel like that could happen to me.

I could just disappear.

If I do, try and think nice things.

He liked a laugh.

-He never meant to hurt any...

-PHONE RINGS

Hello, Sophie.

Oh, you remember my name now?

-Can I sit down?

-It's a free country.

At least it used to be.

So. Have you come to apologise?

Look, I am sorry if I caused any offence.

And the Oscar for this year's least convincing apology goes to...

Look, as a doctor, of course

I'm concerned for someone's alcohol intake,

just as if I was a dentist

I would worry you were eating too many sweets,

but what I am worried about is last night.

How did you hurt yourself? What happened?

Yes. That's been worrying me too.

SHE SIGHS

Oh! How did you get here?

Oh, you know, I came up the stairs.

I was going to climb the walls like Spider-man,

-but I don't quite have enough sticky.

-Right.

So, have you heard any more about that car that nearly hit me?

No, nothing. It's a complete mystery.

It must just be some boy racer, girl racer,

someone trying to get in the Guinness Book of Records.

Yeah, must be. Do you want a tissue?

-What?

-You're ever so sweaty.

-No, I'm fine.

-No, you're not. Your eyes are the size of dinner plates.

Is that what the drugs do to you?

I know I drink too much.

But when you've had a hard week

and you've just finished a 5,000-word essay,

how else are you going to get rid of the stress?

I don't know why everyone worries so much about stress.

It's the only thing that keeps me going.

I did go too far last night.

And I suppose I've been overdoing it.

But I spoke to a friend and she said nothing embarrassing happened.

Well, I fell over in the ladies,

which is how I hurt my hand, but apart from that...

Thank goodness.

Hang on. You thought I might have actually been attacked?

Well, it did cross my mind.

No. Honestly, it was nothing like that.

Honestly, I don't take much.

Just if I'm at a party or something.

Sit down.

I know you're lying. I could see it in your eyes

when I asked you has anybody got it in for you.

You didn't recognise that car this morning,

but you did when we played it back.

You knew exactly who it was. I'm... I'm...

I'm not going to tell on you, I'm not going to point the finger.

I just...I need to know, are you in trouble?

How big?

How big's the universe?

It's always expanding, just like trouble expands.

The more you try and fix it, the bigger it gets.

Start from the beginning.

Hm. OK.

Last year, some guy came up to me at a party, offered me some stuff.

I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend

and I wouldn't usually take it, but...wow!

I went from feeling lower than whale droppings to...

king of the universe!

Have you seen yourself lately?

I began to take...a lot.

And then I owed a lot of money.

But my dealer said I could have a discount if I sold some on campus.

And I did sell some of his stuff.

But I also took some for me.

And now I owe a shed load of money.

So, that car, it WAS for you?

For the last three days,

he's been sending me threatening e-mails, texts.

The car was my final warning.

This trip to South America, you're going to get more gear?

No! That is a real thing. I am raising money for an orphanage.

But I know someone.

A friend of a friend.

-He said he could get me a six-kilo bag of cocaine.

-Oh, great(!)

If I could just get it through Customs, I could pay off my debts!

Do you know how much I could get for six kilos?

Um...about ten years.

Is that you, Arwin?

No sign of our suspect vehicle yet.

I'm hoping it may have scarpered.

No, it's still there.

Well, they do say cockroaches can survive a nuclear war.

Well, thank you for putting my mind at rest.

Although I don't know why someone with a brilliant mind

should feel the need to obliterate half their brain cells.

Well, I wouldn't expect you to understand youth culture.

What do you mean?

Well, when you were young, they hadn't even invented youth.

I might know more than you think, actually.

Sorry, who's this?

That's my daughter, Emily.

A couple of years ago, just after her finals.

A week after that, she was out celebrating with friends when...

..a drunk driver ran into her.

She's at St Phil's now in a permanent vegetative state.

Technically alive, but with absolutely no cognitive function.

-I don't know what to say.

-There's nothing to say.

I don't tell anyone any more because I can't bear the pity.

But...maybe you'll understand why I get anxious

when people tell me they get so drunk,

they can't control their actions.

If I can just get it through Customs,

I can pay off my dealer. Start a new life.

And devote yourself to good deeds and find a cure for cancer(?)

You don't approve.

It's not just that, I think it's ridiculous!

How are you going to hide six kilos? You're the size of a whippet!

I CAN do this.

If I just keep walking and look confident.

You couldn't look more guilty

if you hung a sign around your neck saying, "Arrest me, please."

What's the alternative?

You tell the police.

But I'm a dealer.

They're not after you, they're after whoever's in the car.

But I'll get a criminal record.

Yeah, you will.

But it's your first offence and you'll have owned up to it.

It's going to be a lot worse if they come after you!

Oh, no, no, no, it's not that bad.

Look, I'm going to get you a tissue. Oh!

That car's on campus again.

I've placed all operatives on high alert. The police are on their way.

Go after him!

# I'm feeling good

# You know I'm going to work it on out

# I'm feeling good

# I'm feeling oh so fine

# Until tomorrow but that's just some other time

# I'm waiting for my man...#

So, is she ever going to get better?

No. There's absolutely no improvement whatsoever.

At some point, I have to decide to turn off her nutrition

and let nature take its course.

Well, how do you know when to do that?

I don't.

There's some new consultant, he keeps pestering me

to come in and make a decision.

Face reality, apparently.

I just don't feel ready.

I can't think of anything worse.

As a doctor, you see all sorts of horrors.

Parents whose children don't even see ten years old.

At least Emily got to university.

I remember when I got here.

For the first time ever, I had my own place, I had a boyfriend.

I could do what I wanted, eat what I wanted.

And I remember thinking,

"if it all ends now, well, it's been worth it."

Sorry, I didn't mean...

No, no, no. It's fine, I know what you mean.

I have to go back to work now, so good luck.

Have a good term.

Eat, drink and be merry, but, please, try to do it responsibly.

'Bye.'

HE PANTS

Hello?

I need the police. I...

Argh!

Any sign of him?

None. But the police should be here any minute.

What are you doing?

Whatever it takes, Mrs Hollins.

There's no way I'm going to let these thugs escape.

Luckily, I have a device which can immobilise any known vehicle.

Right.

Yes, all right, Karen, I am on campus. I'll be there in two...

Just hold on a second. Stay there.

Hello? Hello? Jeremy?

No, no, no, don't try and speak. Just look at me.

Listen, I'm going to need an ambulance.

Tell them there's a young man, he's been beaten up.

He's got injuries to his face, arms and torso.

His pulse is...approximately 140.

Listen, we need this immediately.

Jeremy, don't move, just try and stay with me.

They got one of them.

The other was last seen running towards the high street.

I hope he gets run over by a truck.

Oh, aye, looks like they got the other one.

PHONE RINGS

Mrs Tembe, how's it going?

Well, er...Dr Carter and I, we have been killed by zombies.

Right.

I was just checking that everything

is running smoothly with the locums.

Um...yeah, yeah.

Nobody died.

Right. Well, I'm off now.

All right. Well, thank you for today. You saved that boy's life.

Oh, I shouldn't have thought so. That was the paramedics.

OK.

So, are you off somewhere nice?

-I need to see my daughter.

-Ah. Does she live nearby?

It's about ten minutes away by car.

Oh, you're so lucky she's close.

My daughter lives in London. I never flipping see her.

I see Emily most days, but I've decided I need to let go of her.

I've been holding on to her for far too long.

Aw. I know.

They don't give you an instruction manual with them, do they?

No, they don't.

Well, I hope to see you again. Night-night.

Goodnight, Karen.

Thank you.

People come through this

-thankful they were given the opportunity.

-I'm sorry.

I've been misled by all of the doctors here.

That's a very serious allegation.

-I'm calling the police.

-On what grounds?

-Trespass.

Howard's daughter is his main beneficiary.

Good, I'm glad. That's...how it should be.

Please don't make such a life-changing decision so quickly.

Tell me where you are.