Afternoon of the Living Dead Doctors

Jim, what's going on?

No idea.

Mrs Tembe?

This is the address Mr Bellamy left me.

Well, someone's obviously got it wrong.

It is the old Royal Infirmary.

Perhaps they meant the new one.

Has anyone tried the door?

Why? We're definitely in the wrong place.

Maybe there's a number we can try?

Yes, yes, there is a number.

Oi!

What do you think you're doing?

Well, we are so sorry to trouble you,

we are from The Mill Health Centre.

What are you doing out in the open? It isn't safe!

We are supposed to be going on a team-building exercise.

Get inside!

Now! Before they find you.

She has an axe.

Perhaps we are in the wrong place.

Which one of you is Bellamy?

-Er, he won't be joining us today.

-Fine.

Apologies, not the friendliest welcome.

We are pleased to see you.

-We really are.

-Yeah.

Kit and Frankie.

They'll be your guides.

You do as they say.

You obey their instructions

and maybe you won't die.

What's happening?

I think this is all a part of the team-building exercise.

You mean, it's like a role play?

Heaven help us.

Come on, Heston.

Zombie Apocalypse.

The end of the world.

-Hey.

-Zombie Apocalypse!

-You are kidding?

Do you think Howard knew what he was signing us up for?

Actually, yes.

Mr Bellamy spent many hours making sure

we had exactly the right team-building event.

And I for one... I think

we should have a little more faith in his judgment.

He knew.

And he knew that this team...

This team is something special.

This team can save humanity.

All six of us.

So, Kit and Frankie will be recording today's historic events.

Succeed or fail, posterity will know exactly what happened here today.

And that success or failure

depends on how well you work as a team.

Right! I need two squad leaders.

You.

You.

Two missions - two teams.

Wrap this around your arm.

Lose this and you're dead.

Don't lose it.

I'm sorry, I do not understand.

-If a zombie grabs your tag then you're out of the game.

-What?

But there are actual zombies?

Yes, there are real zombies.

Ten months ago,

a deadly virus escaped from a clandestine research facility.

The effects, as you know, were devastating.

The zombie plague took out North America,

then it spread around the world.

London fell in April.

Birmingham two weeks later.

Letherbridge held out longer than most,

but that's due to the efforts of one man - Professor Jenkins.

This is absurd.

Professor Jenkins was a great man.

His research team, based here in the old Southern Royal Infirmary,

retro-engineered both a vaccine and an anti-serum.

When he knew the end was approaching,

he hid them both here within the walls of this very building.

His last coded message to the militia...

That's us.

His last message before...

So, what happened to him?

He was eaten by junior members of his own research team.

-HESTON SNIGGERS

-Sorry.

Sorry.

Right. Your squad must recover the anti-serum.

Here.

You must find the vaccine.

Be careful out there.

SID CLEARS HIS THROAT

Duke of Edinburgh's Award. Silver.

You have to orientate the map.

I know where we are.

You know, this whole thing, it is truly wonderful.

TWIG CRACKS

What was that?

I thought I heard something.

It's in the trees. It's coming!

I am not frightened.

You should be.

Evil, brain-sucking, shuffling, undead hordes.

She's right, you know, Mrs Tembe.

The only way to save yourself is by decapitation

or by smashing their brains to pulp.

I didn't say that.

With what?

Pulp, Mrs Tembe. Pulp.

You can't actually hit them.

You say that...

They could be anywhere.

I'll keep an eye out.

How do you kill a zombie?

-It's a bullet through the head, isn't it?

-Charming.

They're just guys, yeah? You're meant to run.

I don't run from zombies.

Is this really necessary?

It's just a bit of role play, Heston.

Howard obviously thought it would be good for team morale or something.

Well, why can't we just go for a nice stroll in the countryside?

I don't think the zombies add anything to the experience.

OK, look, I'm team leader

and I say that we find this anti-serum or whatever it's called.

Squad leader.

Got the map the wrong way round.

-Back that way.

-Back that way.

Sid, you seem pretty confident you can

take on the legions of undead hordes.

Yeah, I think I can handle myself.

So, how many years at drama school does it

take before you can hunt zombies for a living?

Sorry. I was only joking, sorry.

Eyes on the prize, soldier. Focus.

-Sure.

-Get with the team.

No, I'm with it. Team Jimmi. 100%. Focused.

So, Ruhma, yeah?

Anything you want to say at this point?

You're talking to the future, by the way.

Hello, future.

You've got a good team? Your life's in their hands.

I'm new.

But they're solid, right?

Against zombies? I doubt it.

-Er, squad leader?

-Yeah, what?

I think you might want to call them back,

and have another look at that map.

Guys.

Guys! Everyone!

Your leader's found the next clue.

Well done, Dr Clay.

It is a Chinese puzzle box.

What's that got to do with zombies?

My cousin had such a box.

So, this Professor Jenkins, or whatever he's called,

he is holed up in a hospital, surrounded by flesh-eating

walking dead and he needs to hide the magic potion.

The vaccine and the anti-serum, yeah.

So the first thing he does is put a secret message inside the fancy

Chinese puzzle box thing and then he sneaks out of the building...

-Narrowly avoiding the ravening hordes.

-Exactly.

..to put the box here for us to find.

Yeah.

SHE SCREAMS

MOANING SOUNDS

Run.

Back to the building. Bring the box.

Run for your lives.

Run!

Inside, quick as you can.

I am quite certain.

-You saw a zombie?

-I know what I saw.

You have the next clues?

I thought you said your cousin had one of these things.

Yes, they had but I can't remember how to open it.

-We've got Mrs Tembe on our side - you're going down!

-Just push that bit. Yay!

-Yes!

Right, now I remember.

-That's cheating!

-You can't do that!

We have to go back outside.

LOUD BANGING ON DOOR AND MOANING

Use the back door.

Kit and Frankie will show you the way.

I'll hold them off.

Run!

ZOMBIE MOANS

OK, uh-huh, right...

This must be the next challenge.

So, to reach the flask,

you need to build a bridge using only materials you find around you.

Like these plastic barrels someone's left here, next to those planks?

Or a conveniently placed rope.

Something just moved. Up there.

Look, look, look, behind there.

OK, so we should crack on then.

Anyone got any ideas?

Well, obvious, isn't it?

It's your basic suspension bridge.

Careful. You all right?

Zombies can't cross running water,

so we should be safe on the other side.

So what if there are zombies on the other side?

Hang on a minute, isn't that witches?

I mean, the not crossing running water business.

Never mind. Zombies, it is.

So, what shall we do, Dr Clay?

I don't know.

Why don't we just lash all this together?

Yeah, fine, whatever.

I really think we should have gone with my suspension bridge idea,

but with teamwork, you've got to let other people have a go.

I'll let them experiment with that for a while.

I think we may be here for some time.

I hope the zombies don't get here soon.

Well, yes, it is very exciting.

Even Dr Clay is getting stuck in.

It is a wonderful example of teamwork.

However...

..Dr Clay and Dr Vere have no experience in bridge-building.

That bridge is not going to work.

So, how's it going?

Shall we try my suspension bridge?

There's no need. Ruhma thought of a much better idea.

It's a pontoon - a floating bridge.

Very good!

-Ready?

-Do it.

-OK.

Sure?

Come on, leader.

Ooh, careful.

It's moving a little bit.

Look at that. Good, good.

-It's moving.

-It'll be fine!

-Well done.

-Easy!

Well, it's not going to work, is it?

Oh, ye of little faith.

Well, this is...it is truly shocking.

All right.

Right, we need to put that end and that end on the bank.

We need to put these two barrels in the middle.

We make a... It's a T.

Yeah, obvious.

All right, well, let's get this show on the road.

Right.

I know what I'm doing, Dr Clay.

You have to make...

Slowly!

Have you got it?

Right, put it in.

Put it in slow.

Slow.

All right, keep hold of it, don't let it go.

Hold on tight. I do not want to fall into this water.

That should be secure. Back off, reverse, reverse.

Right, well, I believe... I believe this will work.

Thank you, Mrs Tembe.

Steady.

Doesn't feel like there's anything in it.

-Empty.

-Watch out. Watch out.

Run! Run!

Come on!

It's coming! It's a zombie!

-Raaa!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Run! Run!

-ZOMBIE MOANS

ZOMBIE MOANS

PHONE RINGS

THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

Congratulations, all of you.

You have survived the first test.

Only just.

Fortunately, I have secured a supply of provisions to give us

the energy we will need for the challenges the afternoon will bring.

Lunchtime.

-This way, everybody.

-I'm starving.

Very civilised.

For an apocalypse.

You're not really into this, are you, Jimmi?

Nope, cos it's stupid.

No more stupid than half the other things we do -

health and safety, the prescription audits, the form-filling.

Partners' meetings.

-Probably.

-Oh, definitely.

It's the burden of leadership, Jimmi.

Yeah, tell me about it.

It was amazing.

We couldn't do it this year cos of money issues

and trying to get this zombie thing going, but last year.

Yeah, well, I have never been.

-Is this Edinburgh?

-Mm.

Every single theatre in the whole of the city, and every hall or

gym or church, anywhere that you can find room for a stage

and an audience, really, just packed with wonderful, wonderful shows.

We did a transgender Othello in modern English.

Martine was...

That's another world, Kit.

We have a mission here and now.

Yes.

Sorry.

I can't wait to get home.

Hot bath, pizza in front of the telly with the kids.

How old are the kids?

14, 15.

So, Squad Leader,

are you going to lead us?

Well, it's more of a team thing, isn't it?

No, someone's got to take charge.

What are your priorities?!

Family and work.

-And...

-What about human civilisation?

It's just a bit of role-play, Heston. Come on.

Forget human civilisation.

This might be just role-play but you brought us here.

Well, technically, it was Howard that made the booking.

He's not around any more.

Someone has to step up.

OK. Point taken.

So, are we going to save civilisation or not?

OK.

You're right.

We have a mission.

The future of human civilisation,

and The Mill,

is in our hands.

So, as your squad leader,

I say that we will achieve our objectives today!

Listen up, everybody! Time to move out.

I want to see that teamwork, guys.

The next stage takes us deep into zombie territory.

You will have to rely on each other.

So, follow your guides

and bring me back those miracle cures.

ENTHUSIASTIC CHATTER

The anti-serum's behind this door.

There's groaning coming behind me.

-But we have a problem.

-What?

There's only room for three people in this room.

What?

Someone will have to sacrifice themselves.

Heston.

You're nearest.

-What?!

-Great leadership!

-I don't want to die!

-Heston, it's for the team.

-I thought you were my friend.

-Just do it.

See you later.

Oh...

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done.

It's a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.

There you go. All done.

Ah. So how long have you been a zombie?

-Oh, I'm new.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-Very confident.

-You really seem to know what you're doing.

-Thanks.

-I really think you've got a future.

-Thank you.

-You shouldn't undersell yourself, honestly.

-Were you scared?

This one is mine.

You get yourselves inside the X-ray room.

-Mrs Tembe.

-Go! Before I change my mind.

We won't forget you, Mrs Tembe.

Go, go, go, go!

Stop!

This is the day of the Lord God of Hosts.

A day of vengeance,

that he may avenge him of his adversaries.

And this sword shall devour...

..and it shall be satiate

and made drunk with their blood!

Hang on. Erm...

Aaaaaah! Begone, foul spawn of Satan!

Way to go, Mrs Tembe!

-Do you think she'll hurt him?

-Yeah, quite possibly.

Hang on, you said there was only room for three of us.

It's in the script. I have to say that.

Someone has to sacrifice themselves for the team.

-Oh.

-OK. So what now?

We are in a dangerous situation.

That's the vaccine.

No!

It is death to step beyond the blue line.

This is the old X-ray room. Everything inside this circle

is radioactive! Can't you see the signs?!

Yeah, but the thing is, X-rays are not actually that dangerous, so...

OK, fine.

Everything beyond the blue line, your hair falls out

and you bleed from every orifice.

So, what do we do?

There's ropes and stuff.

Great. There's always ropes and stuff.

OK, so we can't cross over the rope,

and we've got to get the anti-serum

up and out

without spilling it.

I've got the flask ready.

OK. You know, I think I've done this before

at a Scout camp or something.

Scout camp? Really?

It was a couple of years ago now.

OK, so what do we do?

I think this is it. If you move round the circle a little bit further.

Frankie, if you come over here.

This is it. Everyone has a piece of rope.

Sounds good.

OK. Come on. Let's do this!

All right.

I don't get it.

It's not right.

So, tell me how I'm supposed to do it.

I can't tell you, can I?

The whole point is that you have to work it out for yourselves.

Yeah, which is what I'm doing. OK?

So, who's got the best arm?

Er?

Me. Fine.

So, the plan is to throw the flask into the bucket,

let it sink to the bottom,

fill with vaccine

and then drag it back out of the circle.

That's not how you're MEANT to do it.

Yeah, but I still reckon I COULD do it.

-All yours, Jimmi. I can't throw for toffee.

-Yeah.

Aw.

That's really clever. No-one's ever done it like that before.

I usually have to show them how to do it

and then make them promise not to tell Martine.

-Isn't Martine the boss?

-Oh, yes.

So, why don't you just tell her that you don't want to do this any more?

Who says I don't want to do this?

Come on, make-believe zombies or Edinburgh Festival?

Real acting?

This stuff pays quite well, actually, and we need the money.

You need to live a little.

Get in!

So what we're going to do is, we're going to pull the ropes tight,

-but not too tight.

-Taut.

-Taut. Exactly that.

Frankie, you and I, we're going to pull it taut.

Just release it a little bit. That's it.

And once it's in the air, Ruhma,

you're going to start pulling it towards you, gently.

On three. Three, two, one.

Now lift it. Lift it gently, cos when it comes...

Oh!

If you get to the top, then I'll bring the...

Yeah, nice, nice, gently.

I'm pulling.

-Right, that's it.

-A bit more slack, not too much.

-Gently, gently.

Got it! I got it! Yes!

Brilliant! Great teamwork, guys!

I'm ready. I'm ready.

Yes!

Champions!

Champion zombie-busters!

Who got it in the bucket, though?

Fill it.

Frankie!

Argh! Run for it!

All right! All right! Put it down.

Aargh!

Kit!

Tell Frankie I wanted his children!

Run!

Tell Kit I love her!

THEY LAUGH

That way!

Well, Dr Carter and I have been killed by zombies.

Right.

SCREAMS FROM OTHER ROOMS

Well, I was just checking that everything is running smoothly

with the locums.

Erm, yeah, yeah,

nobody died.

-OK?

-Yeah!

-Come on.

LAUGHTER

-Is that the vaccine?

-Anti-serum.

-Brilliant!

-Go Team Mill!

It's not over yet!

To me! It's your only chance.

All right, look, Howard believed in us.

-So let's do this, for Howard, for The Mill, for mankind!

-Yes!

All right?

-Go!

-Yes!

Sid!

OK, watch this.

Go on, Jim!

To me!

Yes!

I guess we saved the world then, eh?

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

You know, when you lot turned up, I thought you were the most

cynical, dysfunctional, disorderly rabble we'd ever seen.

Yeah, that sounds like us.

-Now look at you.

-Yeah!

The world is a safe place once more,

and you can go back to your daily lives

knowing you have all played your part.

Individually, and as a team,

you have survived the Zombie Apocalypse!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant!

It was brilliant

but, honestly...

It's just nine months till Edinburgh.

But we haven't got a show.

Yeah, we do. Zombie Apocalypse - The Musical.

We'd starve!

It'll be brilliant.

So, any last words?

Er, yeah, erm...

It was OK, I guess.

Did well, team did well,

worked together as a team, which is good.

Nice move at the end there by Daniel. Daniel.

Thank you.

I think we did a fantastic job.

And I don't suppose it gets much better than saving humanity.

I, er, I would like to...

I would like to say, on behalf of humanity,

that Dr Granger did a magnificent job.

Without him, well, we would all be zombies.

And frankly, I do not want to end up looking like that!

Erm...

So a great team needs a good leader

and this is a great team.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, and they deserve a good leader.

-Morning.

-Morning. Dr Chris Bassey.

-Did you find it all right?

Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be here, would I?

So here we are in the leafy green loveliness of Letherbridge,

a place with an average life expectancy of 82.

It's not advice.

It's patronising and it's shaming.

For all I know, you're one of those who blames the victim.

Oh, good.

Well, they do say cockroaches can survive a nuclear war.