Are You Kidding Me? Doctors

All set?

Yes. Yes, everything seems to be in order.

What time do the other investors arrive?

Just before you start.

I'll introduce you after your presentation.

Relax, you'll be fine.

Just five more years I need of funding.

Your research is brilliant, Doctor Plumridge.

I know it. Now all you've got to do is convince the others.

Thank you.

Whoa. What's Tembe doing here?

Stock audit.

I only brought my paperwork over here so I could dodge her.

Hope you've counted your paper clips.

Ah, Dr Carter, perfect timing.

There is a specialist in cardiology speaking at St Phil's this morning.

He'll be discussing his research into the prevention

of cardiovascular disease.

His name is Dr Philip Plumridge.

What?

No way!

Plum?

That man was the bane of my life when I was a junior.

He's pompous, arrogant, vain...

You know him, Dr Haskey? Well, this may prove very useful.

Oh, hello, Heston. I didn't know you were here today.

Er, I've heard about Plumridge. His fascinating research...

It's all about prevention, which is definitely the way forward.

I am very glad to hear that because, er, well,

I would like you to attend, if you're available.

I would love to.

Excellent.

Dr Haskey, I want you to go with Dr Carter

and report back your views.

I would rather boil my head.

Very well.

Oh, Mrs Hollins,

perhaps you could remind me about the festive holiday rota.

Now, I believe that Dr Haskey requested New Years.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We talked about this, didn't we?

I need the five extra days

-so that I can go with the lads to the Lake District, remember?

-Ah.

Ah?

Well played, Mrs Tembe. I'll just get my coat.

That woman plays me like a cheap violin.

I think you can probably tell from my drained demeanour

that I've had a pretty devastating weekend.

I mean, it's hard to talk about, but

I should tell you that Ashley and I broke up over the weekend.

Oh, Valerie.

I'm sorry to hear that.

The last thing I'd want to do is burden anybody with my own grief

and I'd certainly don't want anyone to feel guilty.

Why would I feel guilty?

All I did was try and keep the peace between you.

Yeah, but it didn't work, though, did it?

Well, it's not my fault, is it?

Alas, there was nothing anyone could do to stop the vast chasm

that had opened up between us and consumed 'Valash'

forever in its depths.

'Valash'?

It was Valerie and Ashley merged.

And, yet, merged no more.

And, like I say, I don't hold you responsible.

Not really.

Could I have a word? When you've finished?

Now's really good for me, so, yeah.

-Yeah, let's go.

-Great.

Now I know how poor Emma feels

cos I'm suffering from my own 'bereavement', you see?

The absence.

The huge, gaping Ashley-shaped hole.

Well, maybe it's a blip?

It might blow over.

No. It's for good.

He's taken his Civil War dioramas.

Sorry?

-He's moved in with his Auntie Betty.

-Right. Yeah.

That sounds serious.

My gaping hole is Auntie Betty's gain.

It's a big responsibility.

It is, especially since most of the time antibiotics are only

prescribed to keep the patients happy.

They're ineffective against viral infections,

then the patients don't finish the course

and then the antibiotics become less effective. Not to mention...

Sid! You're preaching to the converted. I'm with you on this.

-You are?

-Yes.

I only prescribe antibiotics when it's absolutely necessary.

-Good. That's really good to hear.

-OK.

I think he's ones of the finest physicians in the country.

Heston, no!

The man is rude. He's pompous.

He's rude. He's self-obsessed.

Have I mentioned rude?

Coming from you, that's quite something.

He used to starch his jacket

so heavily, you'd hear him rustling along a corridor

before he entered the room and then when he did enter,

you'd be blinded by these pink cravats.

Always the same ridiculous pink cravats.

The man thinks he's Noel Coward or something.

He sounds rather stylish.

No, he's the vainest doctor in the history of the profession

and it's a pretty damn vain profession.

We used to call him 'Plum' cos he is one.

A plum of the highest order.

Erm, Dr Plum... ridge?

Haskey.

Dr Heston Carter, Mill Health Centre.

May I say what an honour it is to...

See? What did I say?

So rude, man.

I think my work here is done.

What about your holiday in the Lake District?

'Yeah, yeah, I understand. It's a real cause for concern, but

'it's the others you want to be speaking to because

'I never prescribe them unless it's absolutely necessary.'

I see. Well, that's good to hear.

I will prove that this research goes far beyond the realms of any

earlier studies, lesser studies,

into the effects of statins

in the prevention of cardio-vascular disease.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, it's me.

Sorry.

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Silencio. My bad. Sorry.

If the rest of you could please check your mobile phones are switched off,

I will continue.

Please do that. Think you were saying something about the statins.

If you are find my research unarresting,

perhaps you'd care to go elsewhere?

-My pleasure.

-DR PLUMRIDGE COUGHS

It works every time.

'For heaven's sake.'

Sorry, ladies and gentleman.

Sorry. I'm afraid this briefing will have to continue after a pause.

-Is there a problem, Dr?

-No. Not at all. I just need to take a break.

My colleagues are very busy people.

Yes, I understand that!

If you could arrange for them to return later,

I think you'll find that my suggested interventions will be

extremely lucrative for your company.

Are you accusing me of over-prescribing?

No, I'm speaking to everyone. It's just a process of elimination.

Yeah, well, your process is flawed, OK?

Talk to the others. Don't talk to me.

And in any case I didn't make myself clear,

I only prescribe when absolutely necessary.

That's...

Yeah.

Specific drug combinations

creating an individual interaction.

Oh. An individual intervention.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

I can't sleep.

I can barely eat.

I suppose, eventually, I will come through the other side.

Yeah, you will. I know it doesn't feel like that at the moment.

We have to move through the valley of shadows

to get back to the light.

Fall off the horse

so that one day we can remount and ride again.

I suppose I should think about dating.

Isn't it a bit soon?

Well, I don't want to leave it too long.

I mean, I know I am a woman in my prime,

but that won't last long.

And a woman has needs...

..that need fulfilling.

Maybe just take it slowly.

Oh, I've never had a problem meeting men.

No, that's always been natural.

They are drawn to me like bees to a flower.

Like bats to a...

..belfry.

Of course, when I was with Ashley, we were exclusive.

Oh, yeah. I was totally monotonous.

But now...

..of course...

What?

I can give other worthy suitors a chance.

There's always been an almost overwhelming

UST between Dr Carter and me.

UST?

Unspoken sexual tension.

Poor Dr Carter,

he's never been able to fully indulge his feelings, you see?

So, he didn't actually get round to presenting his research.

I was sent on a wild goose chase.

That is a shame.

Perhaps Dr Carter will be of a different opinion.

-Morning.

-I understand Dr Haskey works here.

-He does.

-Er, Dr Haskey?

-I'd like to make an appointment, please.

-Name, please?

Immediately.

This is the illustrious Dr Plumridge.

I recognise you from your website.

I am Mrs Tembe, acting practice manager.

We intend to start our own patient group.

We are looking at the prevention of cardiovascular disease

and your research,

it is of great interest to us.

It's of great interest to everybody.

I'm sorry I don't shake hands.

I find the palmar surface

a most ready zone for the transmission of disease and virus.

It really is most urgent.

Dr Haskey!

Dr Haskey, you have a patient.

Dr Haskey!

You have a patient!

I need help.

I know you don't like me, but

at least I know you're well trained.

Whoops. It's OK.

Try and keep calm. It's OK.

Don't take me to hospital.

You're really not well.

Please?

OK, ladies. Come on. Let's bring him through here.

That's it. Keep coming.

Heston.

Valerie?

You might have heard that Ashley

and I have decided to end our relationship.

Yes, I'm very sorry to hear that.

I thought you were eminently well-suited.

You don't have to be polite, Heston.

Oh, I'm not.

I know how you really feel.

You do?

Yes, and I feel the same.

The attraction's always been there, Heston.

Now, we're both single, it's probably a good idea to

work on it.

OK. Your pulse is getting back to normal.

So, this has been going on a long time, eh?

A long, long time.

But it's been getting worse lately.

I hoped no-one was noticing, but today...

Erm, they noticed.

This research briefing, I just can't mess it up.

Try not to worry about that now.

Can you sit up for me and tell me when it first started.

DR PLUMRIDGE STRAINS

Gah!

Ah!

Oh!

First, I noticed difficult chewing.

And sometimes when I blink, my eyes don't open.

OK. Any particular triggers that set it off?

I've been very stressed lately, but I've been taking something for it.

I thought it was narcolepsy. I've been self-medicating.

I'm not sure that's working.

If anything it's getting worse.

I have to be OK for this afternoon.

Pitching for professional funding is horrible.

No wonder you've been feeling stressed.

It's been my life's work.

I've lost my friends, my family...

..even my wife.

What if the investors don't come back?

Well, we'll get some bloods

and then we'll take it from there.

-It's going to be all right.

-Oh!

You see, we're like planets, you and me.

Circling around each other, in each others' orbit,

trying to resist the strong gravitational pull.

Now it's time for the Big Bang.

Erm,

my dearest Valerie,

I think the heightened emotion is getting to you.

-Is it?

-Yes, I never thought I'd hear you speak quite so...

-candidly.

-Oh?

I mean, you're upset and that's natural,

but you'll soon come to realise, as I have done,

that there is much to be said for being on one's own.

-Is there?

-Independence, the bliss of solitude.

The joy of being single.

So, you and I...

..not going to happen, I'm afraid.

He doesn't want to take advantage of me while I'm still healing.

Oh, that's so like Dr Carter.

Such a gentleman.

So, once we get the bloods back, we can start to rule things out.

You mean motor neuron?

It's a process of elimination, but we will get there.

You need to start to take things easy,

so I suggest you postpone this afternoon.

I cannot postpone this afternoon.

I need this investment to continue my research.

Yea, I understand that, but this is your health.

Thank you for your input.

Why do I bother?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, hello.

Hiding from a certain single lady?

Is it that obvious?

Don't worry. I won't tell.

She has a very vivid imagination.

You're not ready for a Big Bang, then?

Not even a minor explosion.

I thought you handled it really well.

Thank you.

-Ruhma...

-PHONE RINGS

Damn.

-Sorry, I have to get this.

-Of course.

Oh, I heard you had a VIP patient.

Oh, yeah? Dr Plum.

Plummy McPlumridge.

He's got the strangest symptoms.

Seizing up.

Involuntary movements.

Sounds like he needs a neurological opinion?

Yes.

Goats.

-What?

-This is the sort of thing that happens with goats.

Mrs Tembe, I've got a patient about to lose his life's work.

Pray tell, how are goats going to help him?

I have seen this condition before.

It was on a nature programme.

It was called the 'plague of the fainting goats'.

Plague of the what?

But surely humans don't get it?

NO, you don't get it. You're born with it.

According to the internet,

it's the human variation of congenital myotonia.

That's what your goats get, Mrs Tembe.

It's an inherited condition which

affects the voluntary skeletal muscles.

And does that fit with Dr Plumridge?

Well, it causes a delay in the relaxing of the muscles,

so, yes, it is.

Just like the goats, as I said.

Outstanding work, Mrs Tembe.

I do my best, Dr Haskey.

Where are you going?

I'm off to give old Plum the good news.

He's not going to like hearing that he's got so much in common

with old goats.

No doubt you will deliver the news with your usual tact and diplomacy?

Yeah, that's a good point.

-I'm going to have to handle this with kid gloves.

-Oh.

You see, cos a young goat is called a kid.

Yes, I got it.

So, I've concluded that antibiotic overprescribing

just isn't the problem you seem to think it is.

So, that's good news, isn't it?

How did you come to this conclusion, Dr Vere?

I spoke to all our doctors and they're all

in complete agreement that over-prescribing is rife and...

And I suppose that they all told you that they never

prescribe antibiotics unless it is absolutely necessary?

Yes. How did you know that?

Of course that is what they will say,

but it is what they do that is important.

Were you really going to take their word for it?

Er.

Evidence,

is what is required if you want to solve this issue.

It is time to become forensic, Dr Vere.

For-en-sic.

So much for doctor's orders.

I'm sure that I told you to rest up.

I told you this afternoon is too important.

I worked out what's up with you.

It's inherited and it affects the voluntary skeletal muscles.

What we have on our hands is myotonia congenita.

Myotonia congenita?

I'm sure you've heard of it.

It would explain the stiffness, the freezing, the jerky movements, wouldn't it?

Famously, it effects goats, so...

-Goats?!

-..you're in good company.

-Goats.

Stop wasting my time, you, you dolt!

And to think I put my professional faith in you!

Dr Plumridge.

Mr Wood, thank you so much for coming back.

I'm very sorry about earlier.

That's quite all right.

The other investors and myself

believe your findings very much worth waiting for.

-But don't let us down again.

-No.

It's good stuff.

Here's a print-out of all the antibiotics prescribed over

the last six months.

These will help us to discover where the practice is going wrong.

There is a different colour for each doctor.

This will help us to see very clearly who is the worst offender.

There's loads of them. Can't I just do it on the computer?

Yes, of course.

If you can design the software with which to do it.

I thought not.

Dr Vere, statistical analysis,

well, it works best when it starts from the simplest method.

I suggest that you proceed alphabetically.

This is going to take me ages.

I've got referral letters I need to do.

Oh.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Well, but the immune system of the whole community is in your hands.

It's my long-held belief that in order to defeat

cardiovascular disease, we have to address the cause.

But the cause is different in each individual.

However, with a combination of ACE inhibitors,

angiotensin II receptor blockers, and ca...

Is he OK?

I'm fine, now.

No. No, you're not. Please.

Let me tell them what I think this is.

-No.

-Look, if I don't, then they're just going to presume it's something

far more serious.

Think of me as damage limitation.

Go on, then.

Folks, it's my belief that the doctor is

suffering from a condition called myotonia congenita.

It's causing these involuntary muscle contractions.

It explains why he's acting, well,

pardon the phrase, a little bit weird.

You really should have informed us of your condition, Dr Plumridge.

Yeah, but he didn't know he had the condition and it's not life-threatening.

It just means from time to time he's going to fall over.

Right now, he's sitting down.

In a bit, he's going to be just fine.

My speech. Could you finish it for me, please?

-You sure?

-There's the notes. Don't go off script.

How many more chances are we supposed to give him?

Just one. Please, come on, sit down.

Come on. Hear me out.

Hear him out.

Where were we?

Er, so, er?

"Specific drug combinations..." Yeah, that was a bit dry, wasn't it?

"Individualized intervention..." Yadda, yadda, yadda.

You know what? It's just common sense.

Say, for example, your old man is suffering from heart disease,

chances are, you are going to as well

unless this research comes to fruition.

Now, the good doctor has been through the fine details,

but if this works, it could change the health of a nation.

It could even bring out the end heart disease as we know it.

The question that you've got to ask yourself is...

.."Is this man here the right man to do it?" Well, let me tell you,

this man

is a brilliantly inspired scientist.

He is s dedicated.

He is driven to bringing about

medical revolution that could save millions, nay, billions of lives.

So if you're going to invest your money in someone,

then I say invest it in this man.

Just, er...

..don't expect him to thank you.

-Oh!

-I'm sorry.

-No, no, no.

-That was my fault.

Sorry, I didn't see you.

Er, Ruhma, about, erm...

-Friday.

-Yes. Do you think we should...?

Talk? Yeah.

-I'm going to go for a...

-Want a cup of tea?

-Yeah.

In the... Staffroom.

Yeah. I'll...

-Great.

-I'll see you in, er...

-OK.

-..five.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello?

I thought you ought to know,

they have given me the five years' funding

and they've been more than generous with my personal allowance.

-Congratulations.

-And all because of your illuminating speech, they said.

Well, you know, whatever got you your funding.

Oh, I have booked you an appointment to see the neurologist.

We can see how close to the mark my diagnosis was.

I have to admit, I am relieved.

When I realised it wasn't narcolepsy, I was scared.

I bet.

So your diagnosis is off the wall, but, erm,

inspired.

Wow. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I heard that right.

Was that praise there from you to me?

Don't get carried away.

The way you delivered my speech?

Differentiated individualized drug interventions. None of the detail.

The way you pooh-poohed the genetic analysis.

You know, nothing changes.

It was all there in the notes. All you had to do was read it out.

-You couldn't even do that!

-To think that I wasted my time.

You are the most ungrateful, self-satisfying plum

I've ever had the misfortune to spend my time with.

Enjoy your funding, I got for you!

I don't...

-I mean, maybe we shouldn't dissect this.

-No. No dissecting.

I don't want you to think that I would normally...

No, me neither.

I mean, I don't kiss.

-Not colleagues, especially.

-Exactly.

Not anyone, really.

We could, erm,

go for a meal?

-To eat, do you mean?

-Eating, some drinking.

That would be nice.

There's a lovely Italian bistro that's just opened.

Right.

Yeah.

Course, if you'd rather not?

No, maybe we're not the sort of going out to dinner sort of people.

You know? Maybe.

Yes, you're right. Forget I mentioned it.

Yeah, let's just forget about it.

Crazy.

Oi! What do you think you're doing?

Howard believed in us.

So let's do this for Howard, for the Mill,

for mankind.

-Run!

-Whoa!

-Come here.

I don't want to die.

Heston, It's for the team.

You can't actually hit them.

You said that.

This team can save humanity.

-Go!

-Yeah!