Warrior Princess Doctors

# You shout it out

# But I can't hear a word you say

# I'm talking loud

# Not saying much

# I'm criticised

# But all your bullets ricochet

# You shoot me down but I get up

# I'm bulletproof

# Nothing to lose

# Fire away fire away

# Ricochet

# And take your aim

# Fire away fire away

# You shoot me down

# But I won't fall

# I am titanium. #

-My feet are killing me.

-Old man.

Oh, no. Not the white ones, the red ones.

Why are we going to so much trouble for Al?

-Stop it.

-Stop what?

Being a miserable so-and-so. What's the matter with you?

Did I not mention my feet?

Just seems like a lot of effort for...

Your cousin's boyfriend.

And it's nice to make an effort.

What is a red dinner party anyway?

It means everything's red.

Where is Valerie? She's supposed to be here by now.

You haven't invited that daft ha'porth as well, have you?

Don't call her that.

No, I'm not stupid.

No, I haven't. No, she's just bringing my new bowl.

-Your what?

-Well, some idiot broke the last one.

So what do you think?

It's red.

Ow! That hurt!

-Good.

-I'll tell you what I think.

I think that, once you let Valerie in,

you won't be able to get her out.

Don't be ridiculous. She's just going to drop off the bowl and go.

Bet you a foot massage you can't get rid of her.

I'm not touching your feet.

We'll see.

Hello?

Hello?

What the hell are you doing?

-My duty.

-What? Handing out your lies?

These are not lies.

I've warned you, you busybody cow.

Do not threaten me! Now let me pass.

You got anything better to do with your sad life?

I said, "Let me pass."

-Give me the flyers.

-No!

They're affecting my business. Give me the flyers.

Your "business" is intimidating weak and vulnerable people.

Well, I am not weak or vulnerable and I will not be intimidated.

Listen, you sanctimonious witch, I won't tell you again.

Give me the flyers or I will hurt you.

Well, perhaps... Perhaps I should call the police.

You see?

Your shouting... Well, it has attracted attention. Witnesses.

Good to see you, Valerie. How are you keeping?

Not bad, thanks. You?

Top of the world, apart from my feet.

-Feet?

-They're killing me. But don't worry about that -

I'm going to get them seen to later.

-I brought this for Karen.

-The bowl. I know all about that.

You're expected. Love!

-Let me take your coat.

-Oh, I'm not stopping.

-Let me take your coat. That kitchen is like a furnace.

-Oh, OK.

-Love!

-If you insist.

How do you get it off?

Just...underneath...hang on.

Just...

Um...

-I'll have that.

-Give that...

-Here we go.

Whoa.

Hang on.

-That's it. Good stuff.

-Done it!

Love!

Stop shouting. I'm here.

There she is, straight from the coalface.

It's Valerie.

-Is it? Hello, Valerie.

-Hello, Karen.

Right, I'm just popping out to get Mo.

Wearing that?

-Not really my colour, is it?

-SHE LAUGHS

Don't encourage him.

I'll leave you to it. Won't be long.

Why don't you stick the kettle on, love?

I'm sure Valerie is gasping for a cup of tea. Aren't you, Valerie?

Right then. I'll see you both later.

Bye!

Are you all right?

Oh!

I didn't mean to make you jump.

You... You startled me.

Sorry. I saw what happened.

I saw that man threaten you.

I just...

Are you all right?

Yes, I am fine.

Thank you. Thank you for asking.

I am fine.

You want a cup of tea?

Oh, Karen, don't bother with the tea.

Are you sure? It's no bother.

No, you've got a dinner party. You're busy.

-And I've got shoot off anyway, so.

-Oh, really? Anywhere exciting?

No, just home actually. I'm really tired.

Exhausted, if I'm honest.

Really?

Um, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm perfect. Yeah.

OK, here we go.

Ta-dah!

-Oh, thank you.

-You're welcome, Mrs...?

Oh, Tembe.

Mrs Tembe. I'm Lenny. Everybody calls me Lenny.

Biscuit?

Thank you, Lenny.

I like your flat.

Really? It needs loads of work.

It is very tidy.

I like everything just so, you know?

Everything should have its place.

This is very pleasant.

Pleasant? Drinking tea and dunking biscuits?

It's all I'm good for now.

I used to be a builder.

Had my own business for a while. Past all that now.

Look.

-A stroke?

-Last year.

Got my leg back, but the arm's taking some time.

Makes shopping a challenge, I can tell you.

Do you have any help?

You're a nosy parker.

Oh, yes. Yes. I work at a doctor's surgery -

it comes with the territory.

You are entitled to help.

I'm not ready for meals on wheels yet, love!

-Oh, no. Not meaning...

-Just pulling your leg.

Don't worry about me. I have family who look in.

Good.

Family...it is important.

You feeling better?

Much. Thank you.

Why was he shouting at you, that man?

Now, who is being a nosy parker?

I am so sorry.

-I ordered red!

-Yeah, I know. I know you did.

We're having a red dinner party! Why would I order blue?

-It's not even the one I wanted!

-Well, it's all they had.

What do you mean, "It's all they had"?

Well, I got confused because there were so many choices.

So many decisions to be made - the style, the colour, the...

I just got confused.

-Are you crying?

-No.

-Please, don't cry.

-I'm not crying.

-It doesn't matter. Honestly.

-No, it does.

-No, it doesn't.

-No, it matters! It matters!

I was handing these out. He was not very happy.

I can see why. What's he been doing?

Ripping people off. Vulnerable people.

He's been doing work, sometimes which does not need doing,

and then he's been charging over the odds.

He's a con man, is he?

Mr Hutchinson is far worse than that.

Mrs Marsh, she lives two streets away from you,

she has been physically threatened.

I was hoping that she would come forward,

but I am positive that there are more.

Has anyone else reported him?

No. And the police cannot do anything without evidence.

People are scared of him.

Hutch is scary.

What, you know him?

I quit Cook's Heaven after that night

when it all went so disastrously wrong.

Trisha said I wasn't cut out to be an Angel.

Ah, well. Life's too short to worry about oven-to-tableware, isn't it?

How do you mean your head's not in the right place?

It doesn't matter.

It matters. It matters.

You've not been yourself for a while. What's going on?

Look, I didn't come here tonight to talk, so...

I came to deliver a bowl.

The wrong bowl, but a bowl.

-You've got a dinner party. I should go.

-No. Sit down.

Sit.

Tell me.

I've been feeling off colour for a while now.

My glands are swollen, I haven't been sleeping.

I've been feeling pretty rubbish actually.

Oh, just say it.

I'm not very good at this, Karen.

I'm not well.

I'm ill.

Really ill.

I know what this is. I have been there and got the T-shirt.

When I first started at the Mill,

I thought that I had everything under the sun.

I literally thought I was dying.

No offence, but you're worse than me.

You're our professional hypochondriac.

It's just your imagination running wild with you, that's all it is.

It's not a cold.

I've had tests, lots of tests.

Well, what is it then?

It's cancer.

He did some work for me earlier this year,

clearing away some tat, taking stuff to the tip.

It was just after my stroke. I was at a low ebb.

I gave him some money -

too much - more than I should have.

Did you report it?

I used to be a boxer, Mrs Tembe.

Welterweight.

Amateur, but I was good.

I won over 70 of my bouts.

I was a fighter, but not any more.

I just keep my head down.

I can't take any more punches.

Everyone is scared of him.

You should be too. He's dangerous.

Lenny, you should not be scared in your own home.

It is not right.

-We should report this to the police.

-No.

Why not?

Like I say, I can't take any more punches.

What?

He hits you?

Is that what you are saying?

I think you should go now.

People survive this. They do. There's...

There's life after cancer.

Oh, blimey. I can't believe I just said that.

That's so rubbish. I didn't mean...

I know what you meant.

I just can't think that far.

I'm in a bubble.

I haven't told a soul. Oh, please, don't tell anyone.

-I won't.

-Please?

-I won't. But you should.

You can't do this on your own.

-Tell work. They'll want to know.

-I can't.

-Why not?

-Because I need the job.

I am a temp with financial difficulties. I need the money.

If I tell them, I'll be out.

That is never going to happen.

Are you sure?

I'm going to need days off, weeks possibly.

I'm going to get sick.

I'm going to lose my hair.

What am I going to do?

Well, you're going to stop for your tea for starters.

Oh, come here.

I need a hug.

If he comes back, or if you just want to talk,

call me and I will come.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I really was a fighter once.

And you still are.

You picked me up when I needed it and it was very brave.

Right.

It is surprisingly mild tonight.

Go straight home.

I do not think so.

A nice chat. A cup of tea. I feel much better.

If ever there was a night to finish a job...

this is it.

But take care, Lenny.

I'm just not very brave.

Cancer survivors are brave, aren't they?

I make a fuss over a splinter.

Where do you want this?

New bowl.

Oh, I like the contrast.

Red, blue - that looks very good.

And I'm such a worrier.

I can't sleep. I just lie awake at night staring at the ceiling.

-I hate Artex.

-Oh, me too.

We had it on the ceiling when I was kid

and I could see a penguin in it.

I see animals too -

two voles and a mole.

What is the difference between a vole and a mole?

Well, the mole is friendly, but I don't trust the voles.

-You are a daft ha'porth.

-I am.

I'm spooning dressing over pomegranates,

talking about voles

and I am riddled with cancer.

Woohoo!

I just don't want to be helpless.

I don't want to not be able to look after myself.

-I don't want to die.

-Stop that.

Oh, sorry. I'm going to cry into your salad.

Oh, sod the salad. Look at me. Come on, look at me.

-I'm looking!

-OK, erm...

You are brave enough to have cancer.

Brave is just a decision. It's a choice.

So you...

You say you're going to be brave and you will be brave.

-Really?

-Yes.

Like Xena?

Xena the Warrior Princess.

Why not?

All right...

I will be brave.

I will be like Xena.

DOOR OPENS

Dropped by the corner shop on the way over.

I thought about eight beers were the same as two bottles of wine.

What do you reckon, Karen?

Al not here yet, no? Bit tardy.

Who's this?

Oh, sorry. Erm...

Mo, this is Valerie. She works with me at the Mill.

Valerie, Mo - Rob's cousin from Doncaster.

She's working down here at the minute.

Well, working's an overstatement.

You all right, Val? You look a bit peaky. Want a beer?

I'm on the wine.

Actually, do you know what? I deserve it.

-Oh.

-Thanks.

Atta girl.

I'm not a girl.

-I'm a Warrior Princess.

-Ooh, ho-ho-ho!

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Good evening.

-You're late.

Well, I stopped for wine.

-You don't even drink wine.

-Well, I thought I'd make an effort.

-Ooh, let's hope you make an effort with me later.

-Behave.

SHE GIGGLES

Thought you'd gone to the pub?

Got a carry out.

Well, you gonna let me in then or what, Dad?

I don't mind a dinner party and I like my food, obviously,

but pomegranates?

Oh, come on now. Devil's spawn.

Little red seeds of gunk designed to make you gag.

Everybody eats them.

-I like them.

-Oh, come on, girls!

They cost a fortune and make you work like a slave for what?

A spoonful if you're lucky.

What's the point?

And don't come back to me with antioxi-whatsits.

I don't even know what an oxidant is.

Why would I need an antioxidant?

They're an oxidant waiting to happen, I'll tell ya.

Actually, the "anti" is the good part.

It inhibits the oxidation of other molecules,

which allegedly can help prevent diseases.

Ooh! Listen to smarty-pants there.

"It inhibits the oxidation of the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

-Right. Do you want to give me a hand with this?

-Yes, please.

That's it, boys, run along. Tonight belongs to the Warrior Princesses.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Valerie, will you have another?

-Hell, yes.

-Slow down.

Oh, ignore Auntie Karen - she's a right stick in the mud.

-Auntie Karen.

-Valerie.

-Sorry.

-I'm not a stick in the mud.

Well, prove it then. Come on, have some beer.

I don't want any beer.

-Thanks for coming to the rescue.

-Oh, that's all right. No worries.

It's all a bit embarrassing. I'm really sorry.

You don't need to apologise. Mo is Mo.

-Come on, Karen.

-Come on, Auntie Karen.

-Go on, go on.

-Come on, Auntie Karen.

-Go on, go on.

-Go on, down it.

Enjoy the ride.

I'll try.

You all right, Dad?

Mm.

You sure? You seem a bit off?

I saw you out talking to that woman.

You saw that?

What was that about?

Nothing.

She won't leave me alone. Got herself a bit of a crusade.

-Why do you ask?

-I live here.

-So?

-So I don't want you shouting off on my doorstep.

Dad, she's messing with my business.

She's a stuck-up cow who doesn't know what she's talking about.

Doesn't she?

-Do you know her or something?

-No.

Then what are we talking about?

You got something to say?

It's nothing.

Daft old sod.

Gives us your plate.

I'll go and wash up.

Men run a mile from a strong woman.

They want women to be pliant and agree with everything they say.

Well, that's rubbish.

I mean, firstly, you're forgetting Auntie Ag, she was married.

And secondly, have you not met my wife?

I may be many things, Mo,

pliant isn't one of them.

I'll drink to that.

-Oi, you!

-That was funny.

I thought you were with the girls?

I am. I'm with the Warrior Princesses all the way.

In fact, I am the Queen of the Warrior Princesses.

Screw the men!

SHE LAUGHS

So...

Who are you with then?

The Princess Princesses or the Warrior Princesses?

Well, you know, everyone's a unique and beautiful snowflake, aren't they?

So I prefer to take it on a case by case basis.

Oh, cop out.

No, no, it's not. My Auntie Sheila, now, she was a fighter.

She wasn't pliant, but then again she wasn't a warrior.

She was more of a silent ninja assassin.

Like Ezio Auditore?

Who?

-From Assassin's Creed. You know.

-I do.

Yeah. He's no Xena though.

I could take him any day of the week.

All I'm saying is that being in your face

doesn't necessarily equate to being strong.

There are all sorts of women

and some I'm maybe more comfortable with.

Am I frightened of women? No, never.

Do I look up to women? Yes, always.

Particularly the tall ones.

Particularly the tall ones.

What is this? A bit of boy loving? Sort it out.

And what is with all the coffee round this table?

It's only half past nine.

It's a school night. Nobody's going crazy.

I think I've had enough already. I need a taxi.

Oh, southern wimps, eh?

I'll call us one. I'm just going to pop to the loo.

Are you not staying over?

Erm... No, I won't, actually. I've got surgery in the morning.

I'm dead disappointed in you.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

We're partners in crime.

Drinking buddies extraordinaire.

Is that right?

You know it is.

We're beer-guzzling, curry-crushing, bed-pounding, lust machines

and you...

traitor...

you're leaving me high and dry.

I thought that you were a Warrior Princess tonight.

Oh, I'm a Warrior Princess all night.

And you...

quiet boy...

you're going nowhere.

-SCREAMING

-Where the hell do you think you're going?

-I'm not done with you yet.

-HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN

-What did you tell her? What have you said?

-Nothing. Nothing, nothing.

I bet you never told her I come and looked after you, did you?

Eh? That I spoon fed you for months?

No. You'd have told her that I charged you for clearing this dump,

like I was going to do it for nothing.

I've got to make a living!

I'm not a charity.

Look at you.

Snivelling.

I should have let the stroke have you.

Where are you going?

I'm going to put a stop to this right now

and then I'm going to go and get a drink.

You don't mind buying your boy a drink, do you, Dad?

# You shoot me down but I won't fall

# I'm bulletproof nothing to lose... #

Yes, a taxi straight away, please. Thank you.

# Fire away fire away

# You shoot me down but I won't fall

# I am titanium

# You shoot me down but I won't fall

# I am titanium

# Cut me down

# But it's you who'll have further to fall

# Ghost town and haunted love

# I'm bulletproof

# Nothing to lose

# Fire away fire away

# Ricochet you take your aim

# Fire away fire away

-# You shoot me down

-You shoot me down

-# But I won't fall

-But I won't fall

# I am titanium

# You shoot me down

# But I won't fall

# I am titanium. #

Welcome back, Dr Granger. How was your holiday?

Excellent, thank you.

I trust nothing too dramatic has happened in my absence?

I know this is impossible for you to understand, Holly,

but not everything is about you.

Who did you live off before my dad?

Oh, that's right, I'm the gold-digger in the room.

It is my rightful inheritance. He was my father.

And he was my husband.

A man has died, for goodness' sake.

Show some respect.