Tinkle All the Way Doctors

# Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock

# Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring

# Snowin' and blowin' up bushels of fun

# Now the jingle... #

Oi! Oi! What the hell do you think you're playing at?!

Stop that now!

# Jingle bells, jingle... #

Oi!

Oh, God!

SNORING

Yeah, police.

I'd like to report a micturating drunk passed out on my property.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Weeing, yes, on my decorations.

Bernard Price, 81 Foster Avenue.

Thank you, and preferably before he wakes up.

Not a very auspicious start to the festivities, is it?

It's all under control, Mr Evans.

It's unfortunate we see an increase in such loutish behaviour.

Season of goodwill, et cetera.

Still, only so much you can do.

Exactly.

Though, got to think of appearances.

Best find something to...cover up his baubles.

Ah, good morning.

-Morning.

-Hi.

Dr Granger, I have had a phone message from a Mrs Lomax

regarding a cosmetic appointment.

Apparently she wants to look her best for the party season.

OK, thank you.

She wanted to see you today, but you are fully booked.

I see you have put time aside for a partners' meeting.

Which we can't reschedule.

I wouldn't do that. Leave it with me.

Well, I have drawn up some points of order for your consideration.

Such as?

Oh, well, I can print them off.

We can discuss them at the time.

Actually, we'll be deciding the shortlist for the practice manager's job today.

It wouldn't be appropriate for you to be there.

No. No, of course.

Morning.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr Bailey.

Well, once I've got my slap on.

You're going to die when you see me.

I will be covering for Mrs Hollins while she has her photoshoot.

Miss Pitman is at the Campus Surgery.

It was not worth getting a temp at such short notice.

So, of course you can use my... You can use the office.

No need, we can use mine.

-Shall we say 11?

-Hm.

So, lunchtime? We all set?

Yeah, fine.

OK, shall I come with...?

Oh! Rude.

You are not going to recognise me.

I look forward to it. I have some calls to make.

Right.

For the benefit of the tape, you've waived your right to a solicitor.

-I can speak for myself.

-Yeah.

And you agree with the custody sergeant that you're fit to interview

-and you understand you've been arrested for being drunk and disorderly?

-Again.

When we brought you in, you said you'd been put up to it.

I said it cos I was.

He paid me to do it, an' all.

Look, I want a drink.

You've had coffee - several of them.

A proper drink. Keep the cold out.

We're not the Ritz, Mr Lowe. Right, I'll ask you again, just to be sure.

You are saying that someone, a man,

paid you to go and decorate the decorations on Foster Avenue?

Only the ones at that house.

Do you know him? Had you seen him before?

Mr Lowe, you're shaking your head.

For the sake of the tape, can you answer the question?

No, I've not met him before.

Would you recognise him?

Where did you meet him?

Dunno. Offy on the Jubilee, probably. My local.

30 quid, he gives us, but only if I spent it all on booze

and recycled it at the one place, he said.

So he was paid to do it? I've been deliberately targeted?

-Apparently.

-Well, what a horrible thing to do.

Can you think of anyone?

Not really, no.

Well, there's always Herman the German.

-And who's he?

-Next door.

Moved in a few months back. Got a bit snippy about the lights.

Doesn't do a thing to his own garden.

It looks like a shambles, really. Lowers the tone.

And you two have had words?

Yeah, next door, the German. You see if I'm not right.

I can well believe he'd have no respect for the sanctity of sovereign soil.

-Next, Duncan Anstee?

-Hm.

Just told us what he thought we wanted to hear.

-And not all we needed to know. That's a no from me.

-Agreed.

The standard was really high.

Yeah. So, looks like we've drawn up the same shortlist?

Looks like advertising the job in December was a good idea.

Yeah. Could've gone either way.

You were right to cast the net wider.

Yeah. Like I say, we had nothing to lose.

So, any other business?

Why would I know anything

about a man using my neighbour's garden as a toilet?

I'm just asking if you witnessed the event, Mr Bork.

I go for a run every morning about eight.

What time did you get back?

My route usually takes about 40, 45 minutes.

I saw the police car, so I'm assuming I missed the fun.

Your English is very good.

So is yours. Your accent, not local?

Yorkshire, perhaps?

Hm. Yes. Excellent.

Mr Price said you two had had frank exchanges of views in the past.

I made a joke about his house being seen from space,

like the Great Wall of China.

Hardly a criticism. It is bright. More an observation.

What about the other things?

As I explained to him, I'm renting the house for a year

while I'm at the university's language department.

I pay for a gardening service through the letting agent,

but they are proving to be unreliable.

You think there's a connection.

It clearly was not me urinating on Mr Price's Christmas display.

We're just following a line of inquiry.

What? That I would arrange for this

because Mr Price is not a good neighbour?

OK. But if you do think of anything else...

Just so we're clear -

this seems rather an elaborate practical joke at best.

It's not a joke, sir.

A joke, a plot, yes, Mr Price has been unpleasant from the day

I moved in, but I don't take the bait.

Oh, Sid! Can you give me a hand?

Oh, sorry, I can't stop.

Thanks a lot(!)

You don't want to let Mrs Tembe catch you doing that

without a high vis jacket and a hard hat.

Not that anybody's bothered about anything at the minute.

It's my calendar shoot today and nobody cares!

Do you think the novelty's worn off?

Absolutely.

That's why I'm putting fairy lights up, to brighten the place up.

No, no - the calendar shoot - so Daniel was James Bond

and everybody treated him like he was the actual one!

Nobody's even asked me what I'm going to be.

Oh, don't worry about it. Just pretend the camera's not there, and be yourself.

Well, I'm not going to be myself!

I'm going to be somebody you wouldn't guess in a million years.

Do you want a clue?

Do these lights look wonky?

Who cares?!

Wow, even the mural gets decorations.

Seasons greetings, Howard.

Seasons greetings, Mrs Tembe.

I'm sorry, but I've been meaning to ask for ages...

Who is this?

He used a really old photo that he had of me.

I used to be blonde, all right?

Anyway, are you going to stand there

or are you going to give me a hand, Haskey?

Hm. What do I get in return, blondie?

Hey!

Why do you hate Christmas?

Excuse me?

How small-minded have you got to be that you'd arrange

a disgusting little show like that this morning?

That was nothing to do with me.

You're denying help to sick children.

You're being ridiculous!

I don't hate Christmas and I love all children.

I'm German! We gave you Christmas, don't forget.

What rubbish!

The trees, cake, advent calendars - all German traditions.

You even have a big German Christmas market in Birmingham.

You're welcome, Mr Price.

No-one does Christmas better than the English.

Charles Dickens! You may have got some ideas from the Victorians,

but we took it and improved it.

Really?

Yeah. Read A Christmas Carol.

There's the true spirit of Christmas.

Herr Bork, you're welcome.

"If I could work my will,

"every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas on his lips

"should be boiled with his own pudding

"and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!"

Very seasonal, Herr Price.

It's not like there hasn't been something between us.

You've come to mean... No.

Er... We've had a great time and it's me, it's definitely not you.

Eh, what ya saying? Are you telling me to sling me hook?

-But you're my Yorkshire pudding, you are.

-What are you doing?

-If you're not going to take this seriously...

-Sorry.

You don't have to do her voice.

OK. All right.

But I really like you. I thought you were the one!

Well, OK, bottom line - I'm Jean-Luc Picard,

you're the Borg Queen, my shields are damaged but they're...

No, no, no, no, no, no. Seriously. Star Trek?

Come on! That's phasers set to cliche.

Look, we'll go through it again over lunch, that you're buying.

Thank you.

I've been thinking about questions for the interviews.

Me, too. Want to run them by me?

I've got to get ready for Karen but I can print them out later.

OK. Do you know who she's going to be?

Nah. I've tried to get it out of her, but...

Hey, um, do you think this dual partnership thing is going to work

-until Zara gets back?

-We've managed not to kill each other so far.

True. I was wondering, should we be looking for a practice manager

who's got partnership potential?

You want to discuss that at the interviews?

-Oh, maybe it's too much, too soon. Just putting it out there.

-Hm.

What about someone here?

Al's been making noises.

Yeah. I'm not sure.

Thought he was a mate?

Yeah, exactly, so I know what I'm talking about.

-Yeah.

-What about Emma?

Do you think she'd be interested after what happened last time?

-Could always sound her out.

-Yeah.

Well, listen, let's shelve it until she gets back.

-See you in a bit.

-OK.

Right. Well, that's it for now.

About flaming time.

You're in the magistrates' court on Monday.

Won't matter. Like I can pay a fine.

Yeah, well, you can always ask Santa.

This bloke.

He might've, and I wouldn't swear to it in court,

had a bit of an accent.

What, you didn't think to tell me that in the interview?

What kind of accent?

No idea.

I've been pretty out of it.

Money like that gets you the good stuff,

not the usual metal polish or cough syrup.

So that's it. An accent.

Yeah, that and he was dressed like, ah, you know, one of Santa's things.

You know... Er...

Reindeer?

Reindeer, talk daft!

Santa's...helpers!

An elf?

The man who gave you the money was dressed like an elf?

MUSIC: Changes by David Bowie

St Phil's.

Thank you.

Come back after dark - bring the family!

Much more impressive.

LAUGHING

All I'm saying is,

it's made me realise monogamy's not all it's cracked up to be.

Sleeping around is a sign of maturity.

What does lifelong commitment have going for it? It's not natural.

Swans mate for life.

Which would explain why they're so bad-tempered.

I can understand it, if you had a family with someone.

Oh, so there are circumstances in which you can see it happening?

No, not so sure. I don't really see myself having kids.

Wow!

Why wow?

You don't like helping with the washing-up

and you're not going to have any woman come near you.

Well, I don't like helping with the washing-up.

I suppose if I'm honest, I do miss sharing my life with someone.

OK, now I'm getting mixed signals. Why are you finishing with Mo?

Well, if you're going to do the washing-up with someone,

then you've got to have that magic spark, that thing, haven't you?

I don't have THAT with her.

You try and live your life without that,

and I bet you monogamy can be just as lonely as being alone.

I think you have a point.

But, you know, bear in mind, Al, you don't have all the time in the world.

Ange?

Come and have a look at this.

-Foster Avenue?

-Hm.

I think it's time we paid Mr Price another visit.

St Phil's?

No, no. I don't think so.

I'm making a donation. Isn't that what you want?

Not if it's to ease your guilty conscience.

Why should I feel guilty? I want to give money.

It's a time to remember those less fortunate, no?

What do you mean by that?

Like Tiny Tim.

No, not so you can lord it over me!

Listen, you know what, we won the war,

but you lot seem to have come out of it better than us.

That is a sweeping statement, and not very accurate, or polite.

Oh! Hit a nerve, have I?

One that makes me feel sad for you.

Well, I don't need your pity and I don't need your money

and I don't need your company, so why don't you just...?

That'll do, Mr Price.

How about I give this to the sergeant

and he puts it in your bucket - will that work?

So what's your problem now?

He's being German.

Sounds like he's being generous, to me.

You've got a track record with your neighbours, haven't you?

I don't know what you mean.

You know all too well what I mean, not to mention one or two conditions

placed on you for putting decorations up outside!

Yeah, unfair conditions!

Look, I'd sooner talk about this inside, if you don't mind.

Right, I've some test results to catch up on.

Is that enough role-playing for one day?

Yeah. I'm going to stick to my guns but I'm not going to be heartless.

Yeah, she'll appreciate your honesty. Just not right away.

This isn't too much, is it?

I may have done the dumping but you can still be chivalrous.

I think it's fine. It shows you're still considerate of her feelings.

Thank you so much for all your help. You're a magnificent agony aunt.

You're all right.

I'm going to catch you up.

Strike while the iron is hot.

Oh! You picked that up early.

Erm, can you come over to my house this evening?

I found a whole string of complaints on file, Mr Price,

all leading back to you.

Leading back to, perhaps, but not about me.

People parking on your neighbours' driveways

when they came to see your display, blocking access.

It's not residential only parking around here.

Petty crime and vandalism on the rise,

in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

None of which is done by me.

And an abatement notice from the council,

limiting the amount of lights and decorations you can put up.

Yeah - petty-minded bureaucracy which I appealed.

And lost.

Look, I've been denied my rights. You put that on your list.

-Mr Lowe...

-Who?

The man you caught decorating your decorations,

said that the man who paid him was dressed like an elf.

What, you think it was me?

What for - a sympathy vote?

Or somebody who's still angry about what you do.

Somebody who wants to send a clear message.

I'm not in the habit of playing martyr.

No, but you do have a knack of annoying your neighbours.

Although in this instance, I'm going to rule out Mr Bork.

-He's the worst of the lot round here.

-Lately, maybe.

But this is his first Christmas in the UK,

and as provoked as he may have been,

in my opinion he does not have a long-standing grudge.

Oh, right, that's your opinion, is it?

What do you think?

They're great.

I think we should include a question about relocation, where appropriate.

Can we help? That sort of thing.

Yeah, fine.

And maybe include a left side of the brain question,

just to see how they think outside the box?

That's a Howard trick.

Yeah.

And I will write and send letters to the unsuccessful candidates.

Now, who's going to break the news to Mrs Tembe?

I'll do it. No point in keeping her waiting.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that's just great! Come to complete my humiliation?

I have a peace offering.

Well, you know where you can stick...

Mr Price, what have we just been saying?!

It's all right, Officer. This is how Mr Price and I talk.

Please take it. It's stollen.

Stollen?

A cake. My mother sent me three.

She's trying to bribe me home.

No, I know what it is. In actual fact, I've even tried to make some,

although I couldn't quite get it right.

My mother would tell you the secret is in the temperature of the milk.

Interesting. Although I couldn't get the yeast to behave either.

Even then, you'd never get it to taste like this.

Mutti makes the best stollen ever.

Well, she would, wouldn't she, she's in Germany,

where all the Christmas comes from.

Mr Price, you have someone here who is making a very generous gesture.

My advice would be to take kindness where you can find it.

An elf should never be grumpy.

Why does everything have to turn out wrong?

What can be wrong with accepting cake?

Maybe it's time to bury the hatchet, don't you think?

You'll always wonder what you missed.

Some tea, real stollen.

Tea as well!

Liberty Hall. S'pose I'd better put the kettle on.

We need to allow for more flexibility on the work rota

where Miss Pitman is concerned.

I am counting on you,

preferably when you are back to being Mrs Hollins.

It's got a bit more staying power than the usual lippy and mascara.

Well, Mr Bowie needs to be gone by the beginning of afternoon surgery.

Mrs Tembe?

Dr Clay, I have finished speaking to Mrs Hollins/Mr Bowie.

Sorry, I won't keep you a sec. I just wanted to let you know

that you've been successful, you're going

to be one of the applicants for the practice manager's job.

-Oh.

-Oh! Congratulations!

Oh, Miss Pitman!

How many people are you seeing?

I do not think that is an appropriate question to ask.

Three. The interviews are next Friday.

I will let you know an exact time soon, OK?

Oh! I'm made up for you.

Thank you.

Now when you boss me around, it'll be legitimate.

I have not got the job yet.

No, I think the hard work is still ahead of me.

Now, to me, this is what Christmas tastes like.

It is really good.

In the morning, toasted, lots of butter. Perfect.

What do you think?

It's all right.

As Santa's helper,

you should live on an exclusive diet of stollen and gingerbread.

Maybe I'll leave some on everyone's doorstep around here,

make them feel more festive.

I wouldn't bother. They're proper killjoys.

They really object to what you do?

We should do something about that.

Mr Bork.

I don't have an injunction against me.

We have a saying - good fences make for good neighbours.

It also keeps the police happy.

Well, one of our good neighbours arranged for my garden

to be watered this morning.

And that is wrong, but an eye for an eye leaves us all blind.

Look, I apologise for thinking it was you.

And while I appreciate your idea, I'm not going to encourage you

in sticking it to our neighbours, not in present company, anyway.

More stollen, Sergeant?

Good to see a prompt response from the police over this sorry business.

What is that business exactly, Mr...?

Evans. Of the Larches.

You might've heard of me. I run the local neighbourhood watch.

His heart's in the right place, but it lowers the tone.

Actually, Mr Price is honouring the terms of his abatement notice.

As for what happened this morning, that's hardly his fault, is it?

It's not an isolated case and we all have to deal with the fallout,

so to speak.

Still, not to worry - mustn't burden you with trivialities.

Well, that is sort of our job, sir.

-Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

-Hm.

Hold that, will you?

Mr Evans, can I have a word, please?

Oh. All set?

Yeah. She's coming over to mine.

OK, well, I hope it's not too painful. Remember, have boundaries from the get-go, Haskey, all right?

Yeah, this is my personal body space -

that is her personal body space.

I'm not going to cross the streams. I know what I'm doing.

Good luck.

I know what I'm doing.

Actually, could we, erm... Could we talk?

Yeah, what's up?

There's no easy way for me to say this, so I'm just going to say it.

I don't think there's a future for me and you.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Yeah, well me, neither.

It's just a bit of fun, isn't it?

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, so instead of yakking on about it, let's have some more.

Come on, you get the Balti in, and...

..da-da-da-dah!

We'll plug these in before you take them, make sure there's no duds.

This lot's going to cover the entire front of your house.

If I leave you a door key, you can switch them on after I go home for Christmas.

You're on. So, do you decorate your houses in Germany?

Some do. We have a more traditional time in my family.

What does that involve?

Lots of food where my mother is in charge.

A roast goose, venison, salmon.

Stollen?

Rooms filled with it.

Maybe some skiing with my brothers, if the weather allows.

That sounds like a merry time.

Eine frhliche Weihnacht. Exactly.

I guess I'll just be staying with my cousins in Wolverhampton.

Nothing fancy but it'll be nice.

Nice. OK. Maybe next year, you come to Germany.

Sorry?

My mother keeps an open house. Friends, family, neighbours -

everyone is welcome. Even elves.

-Well, I...

-Come and see how Christmas is really done.

Not so much bah humbug from your neighbours.

Well, maybe I will.

-Grenade!

-Die, zombie! Come on!

-Come on.

-Watch the right flank.

-Yeah, I'm watching.

-Ah, they're coming through the ceiling!

Through the ceiling.

Oh!

That was good.

Told you. Only next time you're going to be the trapped vigilante.

OK, another round.

Er...I'm up for a different activity, now.

OK, about that.

What's up? You've been right tense all night.

No, it's just I've had a busy day at work.

Weight of the world on your shoulders?

Something like that.

Well, how about one of my famous massages?

With a happy ending? Hm? Come on.

That's it.

Whatever it is, just forget all about it.

He's funny, he's sexy, clever, he's got the whole package.

Are we still talking about Al?

You started this, remember?

No, I didn't... I wasn't...

Maybe you should just give me that...

-Oh, that's brilliant!

-I love him.

So good in Harry Potter.