Self Portraits Doctors

PHONE BEEPS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

-Hey-hey! How did last night go?

-Hm?

The conscious uncoupling.

Oh, that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she was obviously really disappointed,

but, um....yeah, I think she took it quite well.

-Oh, good boy. I'm proud of you. Morning.

-Hi.

Al...?

I see Mo's bed went unslept in again last night.

Yeah. Well, just saving on laundry bills, aren't we?

Oh, how kind!

-Morning!

-Morning!

-Morning!

-Morning.

-How is everyone?

-Fine!

-Great!

-You?

Can't complain.

Well, I could, but who'd listen?

THEY LAUGH

Right, well, better crack on.

Yeah. These patients are not going to cure themselves.

-Er...Valerie. Nice headgear.

-Oh, thank you.

Speaking of headgear, I'm going to be doing my photoshoot later today.

-So check this out.

-Ooo!

-AL LAUGHS

-Oh, that's brilliant!

Oh, I love him!

He was so good in Harry Potter.

-The villain.

-Voldemort?

Bellatrix Lestrange?

-Draco Malfoy.

-Yeah, that's the one!

-Come on, I'm Andy Warhol!

-Spitting image!

Oh, yes, of course you are! Oh, yes, I can see it now.

Brilliant! Ah!

You're looking really well today, Valerie.

Thank you, Dr Haskey. I feel well.

Aw! Aren't they lovely?

Absolutely.

That, um... It really suits you.

Thank you. I think so, too. Huh!

Have a good Christmas. Don't drink too much.

Bye-bye.

Er...

something I can help you with, Jude?

Can we have a chat about my essay mark?

What is there to chat about?

I was sure I'd done a good job on this one.

You did fine.

You gave me a C.

That's what the work merits.

I think it's definitely an A.

The mark I've given you is entirely fair

and reflects the quality of your writing,

which, frankly, leaves a lot to be desired.

Maybe I could, er...do something to change your mind, hm?

Something you'd like.

No. No, I'm sorry. I-I want you to stop this.

Stop what? We're just talking.

Besides, you started this, remember?

No, I didn't. You see, I wasn't...

Maybe you should just give me that A.

-I can't talk about this now.

-If not now, then when?!

No time like the present.

You see, I...

I-I can't.

HE HYPERVENTILATES

I...I have an appointment at the Campus surgery about this...

Well, I don't blame you. It is really ugly.

Never mind.

I'm not heading home for a couple of days. We'll hook up later.

I know where to find you.

HE HYPERVENTILATES

Oh. Yeah, that's nasty.

Um...I'd like Dr Carter to take a look at it.

Can't you just give me some cream or pills or something?

Not until we know what's causing it.

It could be eczema, psoriasis, allergic reaction.

Or there could be some other underlying cause.

-I'd really prefer some cream.

-It's better to be safe than sorry.

-It won't take long. I'll just go and see if he can fit you in.

-Look...

If you could just take a seat? Thank you.

-PHONE RINGS

-I'll be with you in just one moment.

Hello, the Mill Health Centre.

Can I just put you on hold, just for a second? Great. Thanks.

Right, I just... Oh!

Valerie, the network's gone down.

-Why is the router off?

-I don't know. I'm not the IT guy.

PHONE RINGS I'm not saying you are. I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself.

-Valerie, everybody's computer's playing up.

-Valerie!

Oh, for heaven's sake! I just...!

I will speak to IT when I've dealt with these patients.

So, if you could just give me a moment? Thank you!

VALERIE SIGHS

If you'd like to take a seat?

A-hem! Sorry for keeping you waiting.

Thursday at 3:00pm.

Perfect. Thank you.

Sorry.

Um...we thought that...you know...with the chemo...

-I don't start that till Friday.

-Oh!

What made you think that...?

T-The head scarf.

Oh, I was just giving it a go. I just...

I wanted to try out some styles.

Just because I've got cancer doesn't mean I have to be dowdy.

I've got loads. Look. A full bag.

I got them at the charity shop. That's nice, isn't it?

That actually goes with your jacket.

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

Oh! Um...sorry, can I help?

I really hope so.

What's the problem?

Oh, there's no problem.

-Do you have a medical issue?

-No.

But if it means spending more time with you,

then I'm really happy to make one up.

Huh! I don't date students.

Especially ones with budget tattoos.

So if you haven't got a medical issue, then...

I'm...I'm not a patient.

I said I'd meet my tutor here.

-Here?

-Yeah. I do what I'm told.

You'd better take a seat, then.

-Any you recommend?

-Take your pick.

Hi, Mo.

Never mind Mo, what do you call me?

-Warrior princess.

-Too right, you do.

MO CHUCKLES

-Do you like it?

-Yeah. Yeah, it's nice.

For a second there, I thought you had the big C.

-I do.

-What? Wow! Really?

Hiya, Mo. You come to see Al?

Yeah. Hey, you never said Val had cancer.

Well, it's not the kind of thing you bandy around.

I was reluctant to tell people at first,

but I do think it's important to be honest.

-How long have they given you?

-How long?

-To live. You know, what are your odds?

-Odds?

Better than 50%? Worse? What?

-Mo!

-What?!

You don't mind talking about it, do you, Val?

No. Actually, it's the people who ignore me that make it worse.

I had a mate of mine at work who had cancer.

He used to love talking about it.

Did he? Aw, that's nice.

Yeah. I mean, he's dead now, obviously. He lasted three months.

But he loved talking about it.

Mo, let's go and find Al, shall we?

-What are you doing later?

-Forgetting about you.

We both know that's not possible.

If it doesn't clear up in a week or so, you know where we are.

Thank you.

What...w-w-what are you doing here?

We agreed to meet up. Spend quality time together.

Did we? No. I-I...

To talk about my mark, silly.

-I-I thought I made myself clear.

-Look, you did.

But I can't get enough of listening to you.

That's just it, you don't listen!

I love it when you're firm with me, Matt, I really do!

My name is Dr Flowers!

And I...I-I told you earlier that y-your mark stands.

And can I...can I say that

you shouldn't be following me around like this.

It's completely inappropriate!

Should we call Barry?

Is there a problem here, gentlemen?

There's no problem.

I just must have got the wrong end of the stick.

We agreed to meet up after your appointment.

No, we didn't. Please just leave me alone.

I'm confused. You said very clearly that you wanted to see me.

-I-Is there a toilet here?

-Yeah, it's downstairs.

Huh! I'm really sorry about that.

He's not usually like that.

He's...a great teacher.

Friendly, funny, likes a laugh.

I hope he's OK. Huh!

That was really strange.

Still, he's always forgetting about me.

I thought you said that wasn't possible.

Well...you're not going to forget about me, are you?

I think we could have fun together.

-Why don't you call me?

-Because you're a child?

Give me a try.

You'll find I'm all...grown up.

SHE SIGHS

HE HYPERVENTILATES

PHONE BEEPS

HE HYPERVENTILATES

Help...help...help...!

SHE SOBS

-Hey, Ruhma, are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, yeah.

I'm just having one of those days. I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

Al! Mo's here!

What are you doing here?

Well, I saw this and thought of you straightaway.

So...surprise!

-What's that for?

-Well, it's because I like you.

Well, you shouldn't have. It's, um...it's too much.

Shut up, you big softy. Stick it on.

I-I can't. I'm...I'm at work.

Oh, go on. We'd like to see it, wouldn't we?

-Al, mate, help me get this straight, will you?

-I'm kind of busy, mate.

-GIGGLING

-I get your point.

Thanks. Thanks, Mo, that's really cheered me up.

So, does this mean that you're bigger on the inside?

Ha! Brilliant, Hollins.

You should write that one down. Fantastic(!)

-MO LAUGHS

-You do like it, though, yeah?

Yeah, it's great. The thing is, um...what are you doing here?

What d'you mean? I came to give you your pressie.

Remember last night?

Yeah, I do. It were a cracker, weren't it?

You remember what we talked about?

Zombie Vanquish? Yeah, of course I do.

Hey, it were that good, I've downloaded it to me phone. Hm!

Oh! Stick the kettle on, will you? I'm gasping for a brew.

Now do you believe me about stress?

This is stress-related?

Well, it has all the symptoms of a panic attack,

but it could be heart-related.

You need to go straight to A&E.

No. No, that won't be necessary.

Um...like I said, I've got a month off and...

Hang on. About 20 minutes ago, you couldn't breathe

and now you're just going to go home?

The rash, the collapse. Don't you think you should take this seriously?

-No, I'll be fine.

-Are you having problems at work, with students?

No!

No. Er...look, there's...

there's nothing I can do, OK, so, um...

so that's it. There's nothing I can do.

Nothing you can do about what?

That guy who was here earlier, Jude, is he...?

It's MY health, OK?

It's my life and it's my decision.

I-I'm grateful for your help, but...can you just back off?

Of course. We don't mean to intrude.

We just wanted to help.

I don't need any help. Er...I'm just going to go.

OK? So, thank you and, er...

Happy Christmas.

Should we go after him?

No. He's right, of course. It's his decision.

We can't live our patients' lives for them.

Oh. Hey, hey, hey.

What?

Did I just see Mo going to the back patio with Karen?

Is she still here?

Yeah, and she seemed pretty upbeat for someone whose relationship has ended.

Oh, yeah.

What I said, that...

So, when you said that you'd broken up with her,

what you meant was you'd slept with her. Right?

-Just a little bit.

-Unbelievable.

When do you think you might be leaving?

Dunno. Why?

Because you said you'd be out by the time Jack and Immie get back

and that's on the 19th.

So I'll crash at Al's until they've gone.

He's not going to kick me out of bed, is he?

And then I'll be back, don't you worry.

What is the story with you and Al?

No, you're wanting gory details?

No!

I just... Well, you're hardly the romance of the century, are you?

Who cares?

I'm telling you, he's got the lot, has Al.

He's funny, he's sexy, clever.

He's got the whole package.

Are we still talking about Al?

PHONE BEEPS

What the...?

I'm sorry. Did I by any chance leave my phone?

Right. Er.

-This is obviously really embarrassing.

-Your student?

What?

-No. Don't be ridiculous.

-Dr Flowers, I'm not stupid.

The tattoo?

I know it's Jude.

It's not what you think.

I can explain.

I'm so sorry about Mo.

What for?

She's a terrible motormouth. All that stuff about odds and...

Oh, no, it's OK.

She's not the first person to ask me about my chances.

It's not like I haven't thought about it a lot myself.

PHONE RINGS

-Go on.

-No, it's fine. It's fine.

-We should answer that.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, honestly.

You're amazing, you know that?

Hello, Mill Health Centre, can I help you?

You have to swear not to say a word to anyone.

Just tell me.

I am attracted to Jude

and he knows that.

And he has used that fact to make my life a misery.

I've been using this app.

Meetr.

I know it's not a great idea, I've...

I've never been very good at meeting people.

I'm pretty rubbish at being gay.

Believe me, it's hard whichever side of the fence you're on.

It all started when he

sent me a picture.

I mean, you've seen him. He's gorgeous.

Yeah, and you're his lecturer.

I didn't know that then,

so I...

I sent pictures back.

What kind of pictures?

Pictures I should never have taken,

let alone sent.

When I found out who he was,

I told him there's no way that...

So that was that.

Only, unbeknownst to me,

he had somehow saved my pictures,

and then he waited until the first essays were marked

and he threatened that if he didn't get straight As

he'd show them to the Dean,

and say that I'd been grooming him.

Why is he sending you photos of himself?

Because he wants to torment me.

He knows I can't save them.

He's set them up so they disappear immediately.

He's more tech savvy than me.

I begged him to stop.

I even told him how I felt about him.

Why?

A part of me

thought that he might feel the same way...

..but he just laughed at me.

He told me he was straight

and he was only doing it for a bit of fun

and for the grades, of course.

But I think he's battling his sexuality and his feelings.

I did that at his age.

I think that if all this is true,

then he's just a cruel scumbag

and he can't get away with it.

If I tell anyone, the investigation will ruin me.

Let me help you.

No. I'm OK. Please, really...

You collapsed earlier, remember?

No matter what you feel about Jude,

he's all surface with nothing behind it.

Yes, but, erm...

-what a surface.

-Oh, Dr...

Matt,

you could lose your job or worse.

Is that what you really want?

MUSIC: Venus In Furs by The Velvet Underground

I'm really glad you called.

Me, too.

So, I suggest we have a few drinks here,

get to know each other a bit better then maybe we could...

Head back to mine and get to know each other a lot better?

You read my mind.

Thanks and everything, but you're obviously gay.

I'm not.

My gaydar is never wrong.

Well, it is this time!

Does your boyfriend know you're meeting me?

The bloke from this morning. Your tutor?

He's not my...

OK, you've got the wrong end of the stick.

-I think you have, mate.

-No, no, look...

-He's gay. I'm not.

-Yeah, right.

He's lonely, he's desperate and he's gagging for it.

And he always under-marks me,

so, I'm just playing with his head, leading him on.

-What, to get better essay marks?

-It works. I'm not kidding.

He sent me these pervy photos

when I was messing about on this gay dating app.

I've got him over a barrel. Look.

How sad is that?

Pretty sad, yeah.

Hang on, do you back photos like this up online?

Bit dangerous, isn't it?

I'm not stupid. They're just on the phone.

Best bit is, I keep sending him dirty photos of me

just to keep him onside.

Couldn't that get him into trouble?

If I'm getting good marks, who cares?

But,

I'm not gay.

I swear it.

I'm just doing what anyone would do.

Maybe not anyone.

I think we've got enough now, don't you?

-What are you doing.?

-Off the record,

it makes no difference to me whether you're gay, straight or bi-curious,

but you are scum

and I wouldn't touch you if I was wearing a hazmat suit.

Just saying.

I don't unders...

Who was that on the phone?

Surprise.

Hello, Jude.

I think it's time we had a chat.

Buying me dressing gowns.

I really don't think she got the message.

Mo? You need a sledgehammer to get through to her.

Oh, I thought it was just me.

It is just you. You're all she talks about.

-How do you mean?

-Moving in with you at Christmas.

What are you talking about?

Mo. Never going back to Doncaster. What are you talking about?

I told her last night, the relationship is going nowhere.

That's what we discussed.

Well, that's not what she thinks. She thinks that you're the romance of the century.

Oh, I don't believe it.

I thought we were on the same page.

-So, you want to dump her?

-Yes.

-But you still want to sleep with her?

-Don't you start.

I've just had Niamh chewing my ear off about that.

It's not exactly the easiest thing to do to someone.

Right, Al Haskey, you listen to me, you big wuss.

Pull your finger out

and sort it out before Christmas

or you will have me to answer to.

Got it?

Yes, ma'am.

I don't suppose you could talk to her for me?

PHONE RINGS

JUDE'S VOICE ON PHONE: Best bit is, I keep sending him dirty photos

of me just to keep him onside.

AYESHA'S VOICE ON PHONE: Couldn't that get him into trouble?

JUDE'S VOICE ON PHONE: If I'm getting good marks, who cares?

Means nothing. I've still got the photos of him. hey!

-Not any more you haven't.

-That won't work. He's got them saved.

He just backed them up on the phone's memory.

Good job one of us is tech savvy.

That phone cost my dad a lot of money!

Aw, bless. Let's tell him, shall we?

Bet he'll love this story.

Tell him.

I don't care.

He's not going to believe you over me. No way.

I just wanted to get good marks.

He'll think I was smart for taking advantage.

And if you're stupid enough to put yourself out there like that,

then you should expect the consequences.

You really are a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

No, no. He's just a confused kid.

Get your hands off me!

You pathetic, desperate old queen.

I can't believe I ever had feelings for you.

I can.

OK, Jude.

This is what's going to happen.

I don't think that this course is for you.

In fact, I don't think this university is for you.

So, when I get back after Christmas, you are gone.

Otherwise the Dean is going to be very interested to hear

about blackmail, intimidation and sexual harassment.

Do you understand?

-You can't do that.

-You try me. Yeah?

Yeah, whatever.

It's a crap course anyway.

And you're a crap teacher.

Leave it there. Tell daddy you lost it.

Now, get out.

What a scumbag.

He's just lost and lonely,

like me.

Maybe it's time you changed that, then?

It's Christmas. You've got a month off.

Get out there and meet someone.

Easy to say.

Don't tell anyone about this, please.

I won't if you won't.

Trust me, I could get into serious trouble

if anybody found out about this.

That makes two of us.

I'd better go.

Thank you.

For everything.

You're welcome.

Very classy.

Have you touched it up a bit?

Oh, yeah. Warhol used to say, "Always omit the blemishes.

"They're not part of the good picture you want".

I like that.

I might make it my motto.

THEY LAUGH

-Hello.

-Hello.

I'm here to see Mrs Tembe about the PPG.

She's in her office.

-Great. Thanks.

-You're welcome.

What?

New look? I like it, it's nice.

It's very bohemian, isn't it?

It's good to change things, helps us to move on.

Onwards and upwards. Well, I mean, me too.

I've bought some flowery shirts, new cords, and a sturdy pair of brogues.

I'm quite the man about town.

I've got cancer.

-I'm sorry?

-I've got cancer.

Why didn't you call me?

And say what?

"Hi, I know we've broken up and everything,

"but I've got cancer, so shall we give it another go?"

-Are you going to die?

-No!

Not if I can help it.

The thing is, I might not be able to help it.

You could die?

I can't take this in.

It's not happening to you.

You're the same age as me and

you're dying.

Just stop talking about dying! I don't want to hear it.

It's all I think about anyway.

I can't eat.

I can't sleep. I just think about dying.

All the time.

Me.

Alone.

Dying.

I'm sorry.

Can't you think of something else to say?

Like what?

Something reassuring?

No.

I can't.

Sorry.

Tell Mrs Tembe I'll reschedule.

I, er...

I can't deal with this.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Did he say anything to you at work today?

No, I didn't see him. He was at the Campus.

You're not a detective.

I thought I heard something that could help.

You don't know what'll help. You don't know what's important.

You're supposed to keep your mouth shut. Let them do their job.

I promise you, it's only going to be a day or two.

Hello.

Welcome to my home.