He's Making a List, He's Checking it Twice Doctors

MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin' Stevens

Jimmi! Thank you so much.

I'm going to learn loads from shadowing you.

This is definitely one of the specialities I'm interested in.

This and my antibiotics campaign

and just, you know, a better GP, really!

Let's see how you get on with the police surgeon job first, OK?

I've got some paperwork to do. It's going to be a difficult night.

You've been on the go since eight o'clock this morning

and it's Christmas party season, so things are going to get hectic.

Perfect. The last thing I want is to be sitting about.

Hmm!

Well, no wonder you're so upset.

-Of course, that's

-all

-you need.

Yes, I meant what I said. I'll be right here.

Bye.

PHONE BEEPS

-Still no text?

-No.

The signal is pants in here.

Mine's always OK.

You know what? I think I'll try outside.

She must know.

You know what they say.

-Love is blind.

-Oh, please don't tell me that she's fallen for him.

Hey, has she said anything about whether she's taking this extension?

And you are still waiting on her hand and foot.

-No, I'm not!

-It's like having another kid.

-I suppose it would be nice to get the house back to ourselves.

-Oh!

MO SIGHS

-No. It's just as bad out there.

-What are you trying to do?

Trying to send him another text.

Did he say anything to you at work today?

Um...

No, I didn't see him. He was at the Campus.

Ohh.

I'll try one more.

THEY MOUTH

-Right, so this is a cell, obviously.

-Wow.

Yeah, they fill up pretty quickly.

-Christmas parties?

-Yeah.

I don't think that you get the full experience

until you've actually been inside

and heard the door lock from the outside.

-I don't know about that!

-Oh, no. Go on, I insist.

KEY TURNS

OK! HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Jimmi?

-Doesn't take long, does it?

-No.

So, do I need to lay out ground rules?

No, no, I'm sure it's all just common sense.

Going to be a lot of disappointed kids

if Santa's still banged up on Christmas Day.

Billy Kentwood. He's a suspect in a sexual assault.

A young woman out at an office party.

What, a rape?

Um, Dr Vere, he's shadowing me. I've cleared it.

DS Cooper. No, it wasn't rape.

But the assault was at knife-point. He's got some cuts.

I need you to take a look and we'll get samples from him.

If they match the victim - gotcha.

-We just need to get him booked in and he's all yours.

-OK.

Right, this is where we live.

I can't believe you're so chilled about seeing a sex offender.

Um, he's a suspect. At the moment, we can't assume anything.

It's just another patient.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

SHE SLURPS AND GULPS

-Ahh!

-Hm-hm!

-Yeah, Mo, er...

-Mm.

This...Al thing.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I think it's a bit like...

I think that it's...

It's a bit like, right, if...

if Rovers...if Donny Rovers drew Man United in the FA Cup,

-you'd want to go and cheer them on, wouldn't you?

-Yeah.

Ah! But if Rovers were 4-0 down in the first half an hour

then you would be desperate for the referee to blow the final whistle,

put you out of your misery.

-Yeah... But Donny are rubbish.

-Yeah.

Hang on, are you saying I'm rubbish?

-No! No, no.

-And Al's like Man United compared to me?

-No!

-Well, hang on.

If we were 4-0 down to the Cockney Reds, yeah,

I'd stick some subs on, yeah, get some fresh legs on the field,

leveller against Rooney, eh, show him who's daddy.

What I'm trying to... What am I trying to say?

What I'm trying to say is...

..you do not always have to stay to the bitter end.

Against them? Too right, I do.

I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about Al.

You can... You can walk away from Al whenever you choose.

I mean, you haven't even taken on that job extension yet, have you?

-No, not yet.

-So, you could move on tomorrow, if you wanted.

Why would I want to do that? Huh?

Hey, I'm no quitter.

Besides, you'd miss me too much, wouldn't you? Eh?

SHE CHUCKLES

Rob?

Can I have a word?

Hm.

Ohh!

That was rubbish.

Get back in there and give it some welly.

DOORBELL RINGS

No, I'll... I'll get it.

I really appreciate this. Thank you, thank you. I'm so sorry.

Not to worry. There is plenty of room at this inn.

-I thought I was sorted, Heston.

-Really, it's not a problem.

I promise you, It's only going to be a day or two.

Hello. Welcome to my home.

Mo, someone to see you.

Mo?

Lonnie! What are you doing here?

I had a job not far from here, so I thought I'd look you up.

Babes, I'm so glad to see you.

Me, too. I've missed you loads.

THEY MOAN

You been drinking?

I didn't do it.

You know, this assault that they was talking about.

You should probably tell them that.

Me and some of the other Santas, we met up for a pint.

Apparently, they do this every year.

It's my first time.

Like a Santas' Christmas party?

Couple of them have been doing it for years.

You know, blokes from the big stores.

They say that it's a tradition that you keep the costume on.

I'll need that back, you know, for tomorrow.

I'll lose my job if I'm not there with it,

you know, clean in the morning.

It's got bloodstains.

Yeah, well, at least the outfit's red.

What am I going to tell my wife? I really need this job.

It was going to get us a discount on our kid's Christmas pressies.

You might have more serious problems.

But I didn't do it.

I-I was with all the other Santas, they'll tell the coppers.

Hopefully they will.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

But I wouldn't do something like that.

Look...

The other Santas, they went on to the Engineers Arms.

But you weren't with them when you were arrested.

And you were nowhere near the Engineers.

I'll send someone round to ask them.

Look...

I need a lawyer.

Do you want us to get you one?

OK.

Then I want to get you interviewed.

No cola, I'm afraid.

But I do have some rather lovely elderflower cordial.

That's better.

Come on, don't just stand there. There's still more to bring in.

-BOY:

-Who is he?

A friend from work. He's a very nice man.

You've never mentioned him before.

-GIRL:

-Actually, she has, but you never listen.

He is doing us a huge favour. You should be grateful.

-This is so boring!

-Just get the stuff out of the car.

Guys, can I have a word?

I've got a brief on the way, but I ain't got a cell available.

-Can I keep him in your room for a bit?

-Yeah, course.

Do you think his injuries are consistent with a young woman defending herself?

Possibly. Looks like he's been in a bit of a scrape.

But if those injuries mean you're wrongly suspected of a sexual assault, you account for them.

They wouldn't be able to shut me up if I had an explanation.

How's the victim?

Yeah, yeah, she's bearing up.

Miss Rodgers might be one of the lucky ones

who sees her attacker go to jail.

Lucky?

Yeah.

Sid... Look, it's an easy mistake to make, OK, but this isn't the Mill.

Don't make small talk with the suspect.

And try not to antagonise the police.

Sometimes our job demands that we have to, so if, in the meantime,

you can build up more of a cooperative relationship...

I wasn't trying to antagonise him. I just...

I didn't think that lucky was...

Yeah, well, in this case, lucky is the difference

between this woman getting on with the rest of her life

because her attacker is locked up behind bars

or being terrified because he's not, he's still out there.

-This is a learning curve, isn't it?

-Hm.

Just don't say anything to anyone except me, OK?

THEY CHUCKLE

So, Lonnie, you're...?

-A trucker.

-No, I mean to Mo.

Well, I'm her fella.

Oh! THAT Lonnie!

On and off. More on than off, though, eh, gorgeous?

I hadn't heard from you much since you came down here.

So I called your mum and got the address.

I thought you'd got fed up with me being on the road so much

and got yourself another bloke.

Hey, never.

-You're the only boy for me.

-And you're my girl.

-More drinks?

-No, thanks.

I'm kidding! I'll have a beer, please.

Ohh...!

They're very sweet.

One minute she's pining for Al and then the next,

some bloke turns up and she's practically eating his face.

What's going on?

THEY MOAN

Oh!

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

Homework. Macbeth. English.

-Mum!

-Mum, nothing.

I've checked your homework diary. You're being tested.

So lead on, Macduff.

Here we are.

Now, I wasn't expecting guests,

so I don't think the quail will stretch to us all.

Oh, no, you've been more than generous.

I can do a tomato and mozzarella salad and some pasta and pesto.

Well, actually, I was going to nip out and get a takeaway.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, absolutely. Thank you.

You two, behave yourselves. Shak, homework.

I won't be long.

Is it too strong?

Turn it up.

You don't mind, do you, Heston?

-MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES

-No, that's fine.

-Put this on.

-Why? What's happening?

There's a new suspect,

so we have to make sure there's no cross-contamination.

Oh. That bloke?

Yeah. His name's Ken Caldwell.

Guys, we'll get Billy processed.

Um... Do you still think it's him?

With a fresh suspect, it might change.

-Or we could let the new bloke go immediately.

-How did you get him?

Plods... Speaking to anyone they see in a Santa costume.

If they've got injuries or they haven't got an alibi,

they'll just bring them in.

We need to look at Mr Caldwell's injuries.

After I get his costume taken into evidence.

OK, we'll clean up in there.

-You bring him through when you're ready, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah.

-So, Shiv...

-Shak.

-Shak.

Your mum tells me you're studying the Bard.

-Shakespeare.

-Yeah.

What's your favourite play?

Oh, they're all boring.

Do you have any plans for the holiday, Heston?

I'm just going to the villa in Tuscany.

Oh, yeah, you mentioned that. Sounds bliss.

-You've got another house? Lucky you!

-Nothing special.

I'm jealous of anyone who knows where they're spending the holidays.

-PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me.

-Be nice to him!

-What have

-I

-done?!

This is total garbage.

I'm..

I'm out partying, I'm on my way home.

These coppers start quizzing me about some doris who got attacked.

When this is cleared up, are you taking me home?

You'd have to ask the police that.

-Ain't you police?

-No. Doctors.

I got into a scrap.

Caught this fella thieving off me in the pub.

That's how I got this.

It's a liberty...

bringing me in here, not letting me go home,

just because I'm dressed in a Santa's outfit.

All I was doing was going back to get my kip.

I've got work in the morning!

I'm not there to keep those elves in line - chaos.

HE LAUGHS

You been drinking?

Not a crime, is it?

Yeah, course I've been drinking. It's...

It's Santa's Christmas night out.

Back in a sec.

I ain't done anything.

Copper said something about some sexual assault.

One of yours, apparently.

What do you mean?

Black girl.

Don't worry about it, mate. I don't go for black girls.

I'm not racist, anything like that. It's just not my thing.

Really?

Yeah. Don't listen to them. I'm innocent.

Yeah, I'm sure you are.

Sid...

-You shouldn't have said that.

-I didn't mean...

Next thing you know, you're going to be up in court

in front of the barrister explaining why you agreed with him.

..Yeah, no worries.

Listen, I'll see you when I see you.

Ta-ta.

Can I help you?

Yeah, um...

Ken Caldwell.

Yeah. Did he say how he got his injuries?

Yes, something about a fight in a pub.

Oh, yeah. No, I've checked that out.

The pub he was drinking in, there was a fight between two Santas.

-So, he was telling the truth?

-Looks that way.

-Maybe that's how Billy got his injuries.

-Maybe.

The pub was also the same one the victim was drinking in.

So, admitting to the fight

would place him in the proximity of the sexual assault.

Well, that's progress, no?

It would be, but the victim's given a clearer picture of what happened.

The assault was behind,

it was at knife-point, she didn't get a look at him.

She resisted at first, but...

once she realised what was happening,

she was too scared to fight back.

Also, the assault wasn't penetrative,

so the likelihood of any usable DNA evidence, well...

it's looking pretty shaky.

Um...

Miss Rodgers, was she, er...?

Was she black?

Yeah. Why?

Well, Ken knew that she was black.

He said one of the officers who brought him in told him.

And what if the plods who arrested him don't know the victim's black?

Then the only way that he would know is if...well, he did it.

Yeah, OK. I'm going to follow this up.

You're not a detective.

But I thought I heard something that could help.

You don't know what'll help.

You're supposed to keep your mouth shut and let them do their job.

Got a mirror?

I want to check out my face.

No-one wants a Santa with a black eye.

You don't have a black eye.

I feel like I've been through the wars, you know.

Me and a lot of the other Santas, one night a year,

we just meet up for a drink after a hard day's work.

Yeah, I...

I...

Most of them are coffin dodgers.

Isn't that kind of a requirement for the job?

Nah, you just...

You know, you just put on a fake white beard.

The kids are just so excited just to be there.

-Stupid little...

-You... You do this every year?

Pretty much.

Here... There's a newbie this time.

I caught him trying to steal from me in the pub.

I slapped him about.

Thieving sod. He got a few kicks and punches...

What?

What?

Dr Vere, a word, please.

-I know what you're going to say.

-I don't think this is going to work.

-But he's just started talking to me.

-Fine.

You can't stop them talking, but outside of treatment, don't engage.

He's just volunteered information. I think I saw something in there.

You could jeopardise the whole case. Don't you get that?

I'd hate to think that a woman didn't get justice because I saw something and didn't speak up.

-This could be important.

-Have you listened to a word I've said?

He's got a rash and there's a similar one on his hands.

I think he's had an allergic reaction.

Stay there.

-Is this going to hurt when I'm sober?

-Probably.

Can I get some painkillers?

I'll see what I can do. Do you have any allergies?

-Why?

-Standard question.

I wouldn't want to give you any painkillers

you have an allergic reaction to.

Oh, I've had this before.

I'm allergic to some kinds of make-up.

My ex-wife, she used to cake herself in it

and she wonders why I divorced her.

So, you've come into contact with someone wearing make-up?

Probably that toerag Billy.

He must've worn make-up to try and look older.

CREAKING

MO GIGGLES

We've been here before, haven't we?

Mo, at it in our spare room with some bloke.

Except this time, it's not Al.

PHONE RINGS

Please tell me that's not him.

All we need now is for him to decide he likes her again.

It's Auntie Jean.

Are you not going to answer it?

-RINGING STOPS

-No, I'm not.

And she'll be gone...

tomorrow.

MO LAUGHS

Ohh!

SHE GROANS

# Silent night

# Holy night... #

You're sure he has a make-up allergy?

No. I haven't investigated it fully, but he says he has, so...

Er...

Billy doesn't look like he's wearing any make-up.

Did he say we were in a fight?

Save it for the interview.

Look...

All right, I lost my job last summer.

This is the first work that I've had.

And the money's lousy.

I just wanted some extra cash

so that I could get my kid a better Christmas present.

I only had one pint.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have nicked that bloke's money, but...

but, please, they'll sack me.

I can't lose this job.

You have been arrested in connection with a sexual assault.

If we prove you did it, you will be prosecuted

and you WILL lose your job.

Your best bet is to answer our questions.

He's in two.

I'm going to check to see if he WAS wearing make-up.

Why don't you just ask him? HE SCOFFS

I don't believe anything they tell me till I check it out myself.

If they prove that he was, that explains Mr Caldwell's allergy.

And if he wasn't, and Miss Rodgers was,

then we might have got our man.

SHE SPEAKS IN HER OWN LANGUAGE

OK.

All right.

OK, thanks. Bye. Bye-bye.

Has Ken Caldwell been taken to the cells yet?

Yeah, a minute ago. Why?

-And the rash was definitely on his fingertips?

-Uh-huh.

I just got confirmation

that there were no traces of make-up on Billy Kentwood.

-What about Miss Rodgers?

-Bingo! Sarge...

Come on, Sarge, open it up!

Come on, I need in there now!

Yes.

Nice try, no coconut.

If that's her make-up that's given you a rash,

it's going to take more than a quick dip in the bog to get rid.

Go on.

Stick him in an interview room!

..No, of course. That makes sense.

They want to decorate before they move in. Of course, I understand.

Yeah. Listen, cheers.

Thank you very much. Yeah. Bye. Bye-bye.

-I've prepared your rooms.

-Oh, thanks.

If it wasn't for you, we'd be out on the street tonight.

Oh, I'm sure it would never come to that.

Goodnight.

Heston...

We will need to stay another night, if that's OK?

Of course.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Oh... Thanks, gents.

We've taken make-up samples from the rash.

If they definitely match the victim's, I can build a case.

And if I can get a statement from you

confirming that he identified her as a black woman,

I'll have enough to charge him.

-Yeah, course.

-Glad we could help.

That was a good spot.

You did the right thing bringing it to me.

The whole night's been an eye-opener.

Maybe it's time to make way for the young ones.

CHUCKLING

Right, come on, you. I'm releasing you on bail.

There may be further consequences for the attempted theft.

You were lucky.

Yeah, well, at least it wasn't dull.

You could have messed up the case.

Listen, if you want to pursue this,

you have to show more professional discipline.

Oh, come on, Jimmi! You've never got carried away or a bit excited?

No. Not as often as you'd think.

Otherwise, what's the point in being here?

Well... It's been a good night for me.

And it's been a good night for DS Cooper.

Not been a good night for Miss Rodgers, though, has it?

She's had a hell of a night.

Night.

Morning.

Oh. Well, have a good day, then.

ENGINE STARTS

TYRES SCREECH

THUD

I've just got one more present to buy.

-Oh, the Monster Truck

-5000. Mm.

I could only dream of such a thing when I was a child.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

What is she doing here?

How could somebody like you ever understand me?

I'm done with the hot nights of passion.

I'm ready to settle down, like, now.