Stop the World Doctors

The patient has self-diagnosed incorrectly

and put themselves in considerable danger of further illness...

-When is the session on euthanasia?

-It's this afternoon.

You might have to kill me before then.

Don't be daft. We can survive this. All seven hours of it.

I prescribe intravenous caffeine.

I second that diagnosis, Dr Donoghue.

This way.

Is this my life now?

Patients and reports

and conferences on how to deal with patients and reports?

All work and no play.

Makes Niamh a really dull girl.

Well, you know what they say. You have to make your own fun.

Doesn't seem fair that you have to wait in the queue.

What with you being staff and all.

Oh, no. I'm happy to wait my turn. Er...double espresso, thanks.

Two free coffees, please. We're with the conference thing.

I'm not saying that you'd be taking advantage.

Just, you know, I'm sure you're a model employee.

Employee of the month material.

I really like your uniform.

-Keep digging. It's going really well.

-Can you just...?

-OK.

So, a double, eh? You in need of a boost?

-I like to keep sharp.

-Yeah, me too.

-You never know what the day's going

-to throw at you, do you?

-You really don't.

-Excuse me.

-You're excused.

-She could help me make my own fun.

-Mm-hm.

What's that supposed to mean?

You don't think I could get her number?

-I know you couldn't get her number.

-Oh, right.

And you could get the number of that bloke you've been staring at

-for the last minute?

-What are you talking about?

-That guy there.

You know what?

I'm going to go outside and I'm going to further converse

with that delightfully perfumed receptionist.

I'm going to charm her with my wit and repartee,

with my snappy one liners, and I'm going to get her number.

I suggest that you do the same with Alec Baldwin there.

-I'm not going to do that.

-Carpe numerum!

-That means, "Seize the number."

-I know!

Hello.

-Um...could I steal some fire, please?

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

Thanks.

It's cold, isn't it?

It's January.

Yeah, good point. I suppose I mean it's cold for January.

-I quite like it, actually.

-Yeah, me too.

It's fresh. Brisk.

Good for the lungs.

Are you here for the GP day?

I am. Although I think I made a massive error.

See, it was my understanding that GP stood for "gorgeous people"

and I've rocked up and I'm the only gorgeous person here.

Game over. You win.

I haven't done anything yet.

Well, you're doing better than I am.

I brought the charm. Both barrels.

And she just smiled and went back to work.

At least you spoke to her.

You know that thing we were saying earlier about making our own fun?

-Yeah?

-Well, we are rubbish at it.

I say we go back in, we sit out the boredom and then afterwards,

I'll rustle someone up to make us some cocktails.

Long Island Ice Teas on me, yes?

You're on.

This, of course, leads into trouble between patient

and medical practitioner...

-You forgot your cellphone.

-Oh, thank you so much. Oh, I'm so silly.

Not at all. I do it all the time. At least now we can say hello.

Hello!

Hi there.

Cyberchondria such as this is an increasing problem...

Is it just me or is this guy the most boring man in the world?

It's not just you.

Jeez, that's a relief.

I think your friend here has the right idea.

Oh, he's... I mean... We're just colleagues.

You plan to join him? Sleeping, I mean?

I might not have much choice if this carries on.

So, what's your next session?

Cardiac arrhythmia.

Be still, my beating heart...

SHE GIGGLES

-I'm getting you in trouble here.

-It's OK.

Trouble's my middle name.

-Mine too. Coincidence.

-SHE GIGGLES

You have a beautiful laugh.

-Thank you.

-So, how to tackle the problem...

-I'd better get out of here.

-Oh...

-Let you get back to sleep.

No rest for the wicked.

Oh? You're wicked too, huh?

I could believe that.

..worse, causing them to dig in their heels and demand a second opinion...

-Have a good day.

-Thank you so much.

..is to give the patient enough rope to metaphorically hang

themselves by saying and doing nothing.

I hasten to add, this is only in cases

where my diagnosis of their actual condition is not...

Er...thank you.

Thank you. You didn't have to do that.

I wanted to. May I join you?

Yes. Please.

OK...

Well...

here's to us.

To us.

Mm.

What you reading?

Oh, er...I picked it up at the airport. Some trashy romance.

Boy meets girl, boy's an immature moron and undervalues girl...

Girl realises boy's a moron and leaves boy...

And boy figures out he's a moron

and chases girl to the ends of the earth...

Girl inexplicably doesn't see boy as a stalker for doing this.

-But takes him back with open arms.

-Yeah.

-You've read it.

I've lived it, mate.

How long are you in Birmingham for?

This is my last day. I'm just killing time before my flight.

What do you do?

Sorry, did I say something wrong?

No, no. It's just... Can we not do that?

Do what?

You know, you ask me what I do, I tell you,

you make assumptions and judgements, I ask you, I do the same...

Who cares what we do?

I'm an astronaut and you're a lion tamer.

-You're a spy and I'm a gangster.

-Exactly.

-I'm a boy...

-I'm a girl...

-Nice to meet you, girl.

Nice to meet you, boy.

-I... I should be getting back, so...

-Can I ask you something?

Sure.

When we were sitting here earlier, before you left your cellphone,

were you trying to pluck up the courage to talk to me?

No...

Yeah. Yeah, I was.

Because I was really trying to pluck up the courage to talk to you.

-Were you?

-Yes.

-Me?

-Yes.

Huh...

Listen, I have a crazy idea.

I have precisely six hours before I have to

be in a cab on my way to the airport.

Spend them with me.

That is, unless you want to get back to the conference.

What do you say?

It's a beautiful view.

Yes, it is.

So...

how is your life?

-Since last we met, you mean?

-Exactly.

On the surface, everything is fine.

I've got a good job that I promise I won't tell you about.

And I have good friends.

And under the surface?

I just feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.

Something or someone?

I don't need a man to validate my existence.

Of course, I'd like to meet someone, but I want a partner.

Not a boss.

Besides, I'm not the one that they usually see a potential

future with, you know, I'm the one they want to be friends with, so...

How about you?

Well, I have a full and busy life. I got friends.

But...

So what?

What am I here for?

You know? Where am I going?

It just feels like there should be...

More.

What if someone sees us?

We should go somewhere we can hide.

Hi. I'd like to use the spa, but I've forgotten my swim shorts.

-Is there anywhere I can...?

-Yeah, the spa has a shop.

-It sells anything you might need.

-Wonderful.

Oh, er...

Women's things too?

I'm sorry?

They've got women's things too?

Absolutely. Anything you need.

Thank you.

Americans...

-Oh. Hello again.

-How can I help you, sir?

You haven't by any chance seen the colleague that I was with earlier?

She... I was with her in the coffee queue.

She's about yay high, reddish brown hair... She's Irish.

I can't say I have, I'm afraid. I do see a lot of people.

-It's hard to remember faces.

-Sure.

You did remember my face, though.

-How could I forget you?

-Oh, thank you.

That's a very nice thing to say.

If you do see her, can you tell her that Al is looking for her, please?

I am Al, by the way, obviously. Dr Al Haskey.

Lorna. Nice to meet you, Dr Haskey.

It's very nice to meet you too, Lorna.

-Coming in?

-Er... No, no...

-You're wearing a swimsuit, right?

-Yes, but it doesn't leave very much to the imagination.

-Oh!

Now you have to come in!

-No, I... I'm going to go for a steam.

-OK. I'll be right with you.

Ah!

-You're really hot...

-Thank you.

Oh...

-Right... I prefer it this way cos you sweat more.

-Uh-huh.

I hate those kind of books...

-What kind of books?

-The book you got at the airport.

-Oh.

-Chick lit.

-Yeah.

"You will meet a tall, dark stranger..." I mean, it's guff.

It's a myth.

It's a lie. I hate the idea that women aren't complete,

unless they meet this perfect man who...

Oh, by the way, has to be strong, sensitive and vulnerable,

but can kill a spider... You know?

It's so last century. It's...

Are we the only ones in here?

Er...

I think so, yes.

Huh.

I... I just don't buy in to the idea of the one, is what I'm saying.

Uh-huh. Right.

I'm too old and too busy and too sensible.

Absolutely.

Is it just us?

Er...yes. It's just us.

So you agree with me? Romance is ridiculous.

Yeah. Absolutely...ridiculous.

I mean, I'm...

-I'm not sensitive and I am terrified of spiders.

-See?

SHE GIGGLES

Hello, answerphone. Donoghue, where are you?

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Have you gone home?

Maybe you've gone shopping.

Or maybe you pulled matey from the coffee bar earlier

and you've rented one of these rooms.

This place is amazing.

I'm considering making a straight cash offer.

Let me know if you want to come in with me.

Um...anyway, I'm bored. Call me. Bye.

A room for the afternoon?

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Yes, is that a problem?

Well, we don't usually rent...

Oh, I get it.

I stay in a lot of hotels and... You don't rent rooms by the hour.

Sure.

It's just that...

You know and I know that business is slow

and you've got unpublished room rates back there, so...

I'd love to help, but we've only got the master suite available

and it's very expensive.

Oh. Well, money's not a problem.

I just really want a nap and a shower before my flight.

Well, I...

I'm sorry. Dr Donoghue? Aren't you one of the delegates at the GP day?

It's just that your friend Al was looking for you earlier.

-Oh, I don't know anyone by that name.

-Are you sure?

Because I could have sworn I saw you with him this morning...

I think you've got me confused with someone else.

I'm not actually a medical doctor.

I have a PhD in clinical psychology and behavioural sciences,

which means I can tell you are way too smart for this job.

Am I right?

-Well... I did get a first in English at uni...

-I knew it.

You hang in there, Lorna. This job is just the beginning for you.

Believe me.

There you go.

Master suite, top floor. Enjoy your afternoon.

I will.

SHE CHUCKLES

-Whoa!

-Whoa, yes!

How did that happen?

THEY GIGGLE

-I did not think this is how my day was going to end.

-Oh, me either.

I was just going to get some coffee, read my book, catch my flight,

and go on living my life.

Men like you don't exist.

You're a figment of my imagination.

I'm asleep at the conference and I'm dreaming you.

Well, don't wake up. Not yet.

I'm serious.

I've waited my whole life to meet someone like you

and then you just arrive, perfectly formed.

Why, thank you!

You're not so bad yourself.

What's the catch?

There's no catch.

There's always a catch.

Well, there's not today, sweetie.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

Today was meant to be this dull day at this dull conference and I happen

to mention to Al that I'm feeling a bit fed up and he goes

and makes me this bet.

What? What bet?

OK, Al is my ex and it's a long, boring story.

Um...

But...

We work together and it's fine, but we do this thing where we're

always egging each other on to meet other people.

-So he made a bet with me that I couldn't get your number.

-What?

Wait a sec...

Let me get this straight. So, er...

I'm just some guy your ex bet you to sweet talk?

-Oh...

-So this is all just some game to you?

No!

I mean... It's... It's not like that.

OK. It was at the start, but I... I don't think of it like that.

Yeah.

Please? Please don't be upset.

OK?

This... This is not part of the bet. This is...

Look...

I just wanted to have a bit of fun and then...

We're both young and single.

I'm not.

You're not?

Oh...

Well...it's not like you're wearing a wedding ring, so...

She didn't want a ring and neither did I. Too traditional.

You're married?

Did you find your friend?

Nope.

Wherever she is, I hope she's having a better time than I am.

-Conference not what you expected?

-Well, no, that's the problem.

The conference is exactly what I was expecting.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Don't be sorry. It's not your fault.

Maybe it is. Did you organise this event?

Truth be told, meeting you has been the highlight of my day.

That might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Well, people should say more nice things to you.

Can I buy you a coffee?

I don't believe this.

YOU don't believe it?

I don't do this, OK? I've never done this.

All these years I've been away on business, I've been a good boy.

Oh, bully for you(!)

It's not a bet for me. It's not a game.

I never met anyone like you before.

Ever.

Did you get that line from the book you're reading?

Come on, don't do that!

Don't turn this into something it's not!

-A seedy one-night stand?

-Exactly.

You know?

We are both adults and I may not be single, but believe me,

if you knew my life, I might as well be.

I didn't seduce you.

You know... We...

We did this together.

What's her name?

What's her name?

Does it matter?

I've just betrayed somebody I've never met. So yeah, it does.

Brene.

Brene...

And my name is Don.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, Don.

And then, this patient says to me,

"I really started to worry when it came off in my hand.

"And that's why I brought the superglue in with me."

And I thought the people I meet in my job were weird!

Well...

-I should get back. Lunch hour's over.

-Really?

Afraid so.

Got to pay the credit card bill off somehow.

-Um... I really enjoyed talking to you.

-You, too.

Lorna?

-Um...

-Can I just stop you before you start?

Look, you seem like a really nice guy.

And you're funny and charming

-and I bet you'd make a really great date, but...

-It's OK. I understand.

-You're with someone, aren't you? Course you are.

-No, I'm not.

And it's not you. Or me.

And I'm not heartbroken or just coming out of a tough break-up.

Or gay.

I just like being single.

That's it.

It's simple, easy, I can do what I want, watch what I want,

eat what I want, be who I want...

I work really long hours and I'm not looking for a relationship.

Or a date or...someone to go paintballing with.

I'm just happy as I am.

And I bet if you really think about it, you're just happy as you are, too.

Wow...

-I'm sorry.

-No, no. Don't be sorry.

I love everything you just said.

Well, that backfired, then...

Enjoy the rest of your conference.

That's not going to happen.

I've never done anything like this before either.

Just isn't me.

Just isn't.

I don't take risks, I don't hurt people,

and I don't do anything crazy.

I did today.

And...

I felt like a different person and I loved it.

I'm so glad. Me, too.

My name is Niamh.

And I'm a doctor.

And that's all I'm going to tell you about myself.

And I don't ever want to see you again.

I don't want your number, I don't want your e-mail,

I don't want to be your friend on social media.

This, here now, is all that's here for us, today, this moment. OK?

And I want you to tell me that that's OK and I'll be fine with it.

Niamh...

-I want more.

-I know.

We could have something.

No, we couldn't.

But I...

-You're different to everyone I've ever...

-So are you.

And if it's any consolation, I feel exactly the same way.

-Why can't we?

-Because we can't.

We can't.

You know it.

Just...

-What's this?

-Shake on it.

It's just today.

Or I walk out right now.

-Just today.

-Just today.

Thank you.

Now...

What time is your cab?

Two hours.

Good.

There she is.

What did I miss?

Where have you been?

-Where haven't I been?

-I'm serious. I was worried about you.

Oh, sorry about that.

But I took your advice.

You know, you told me to try and make my own fun.

Well, I did and it turns out, I'm really good at it.

OK, do you want to give me some details?

Not on your life!

Oh, your friend dropped off the key card, Dr Donoghue.

-Was everything OK with the suite?

-Yes, thank you so much.

I really appreciate your help.

My pleasure.

-OK, now you have to tell me.

-No!

-Hi.

-Hello.

-I've thought about it a lot.

And this just today thing?

It's for the birds.

So, here's my card.

Every possible way of contacting me is on there.

And I really hope that you do.

Cos you know what? Life is too short and I want to see you again.

OK?

OK.

Donoghue, what the hell is going on?

Just wait a minute.

Do you know that woman?

I'm not sure I do.

# It made me think of you

# It made me think of you

# Oh, lights go down

# In the moment we're lost and found

# I just wanna be by your side

# If these wings could fly

# For the rest of our lives. #

You want to explain yourself, Scarlett Johansson?

Today is the most beautiful day I've ever lived.

And the cocktails are on me.

Oh, I finish at seven, if you still want to go for that drink.

Um... Yeah, yeah. I really do.

Mine's a Margarita. Better make it a large.

I'll see you down there.

What?

You make your own fun.

If you can't take criticism every now and again,

then maybe you are in the wrong job.

-I haven't had a drop of whisky since I last got out.

-Got out?!

Of prison.

It's at the top of my top three.

So, if you could sort it out, I would be ever so grateful.

Valerie, I've got no idea what you're talking about.

Niamh said you've got a friend who could saw me in half.