Try Before You Die Doctors

SOLEMN MUSIC

SHE KNOCKS LOUDLY

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes?!

That's for you.

Oh! Thank you, Karen.

I've been rushed off my feet all day.

I think I'm finally on top of things.

Not according to your calendar.

Oh, yes, yes.

It was a present from Mrs Gulliver, apparently.

Can't compete with Daniel and his dinner jacket.

It's very interesting though. There's a motivational quote

for every day of the year.

I haven't thanked you properly for the concert tickets.

Oh, no problem.

I'm just sorry I couldn't make it. Are you?

Yeah...yeah.

I was really looking forward to, um...it.

How did you win them again?

Er...radio phone-in.

Oh, you listen to classical radio?

Yeah. I'm very cultured.

Ruhma said you paid for them.

Thank you, Karen.

I didn't do anything.

Yes, you did. You must let me pay for them. No.

I insist.

I insist back.

That's exceedingly generous of you.

You're welcome.

Well, at least you and Ruhma are back together again.

You are back together again?

OK...

"Turn it off and on again - Steve Jobs."

Really?!

ORGAN MUSIC

How did you know Patrick?

Patrick...

We were neighbours.

Me, too.

Parkvale or Bakerville?

HESITANTLY: Bakerville?

Parkvale. Oh.

Well, I haven't been there very long.

Well, I expect he welcomed you?

He did. Very warm man.

That's what I'll miss most about him.

His warmth.

I expect that's why he wanted to be cremated.

What?

Well, because it's more environmentally friendly...

or just because it takes up less space.

Right.

So I told him, "I'm not sure how to spell placebo."

This motivational calendar is just rubbish.

Well, there's only so much motivating they can do,

the rest is up to you, Dr Carter.

The quotes are inaccurate or complete nonsense.

I can't believe that!

"Cheer up, it may never happen - Sylvia Plath."

And Steve Jobs did not say, "Turn it off and on again."

Well, he might have.

Let me see that.

"Gandhi says, 'Relax.'"

What's this? I'll have it, if you don't want it.

Well, it's not good enough. I'm going to complain.

Er, wasn't it a present from what's-her-face, Mrs Gulliver?

Well, it was a nice thought, but I'm going to ask her where she got it.

Rude.

Um, Mrs Gulliver has gone on a cruise.

She came in to get her meds.

Well, I'll go on their website. They are not getting away with this.

Go, Heston!

Hey, fancy some lunch later?

Oh, I'm going to call my mum at lunchtime.

Right. How's that going?

Really good, thanks. Good!

I'm thinking about suggesting that I go over for a visit.

Really?

Well, we've had some really lovely phone chats since Sean was here.

And her birthday's coming up, so...

What does your dad think? I haven't talked to him. Ah.

But he was never much of a talker.

Even when we were speaking, if I rang the house, he'd be all, "Oh, I'll get your mother."

One of those.

And, you know, come to think of it...

I reckon my mum's been dropping hints that he's ready.

Here's hoping.

I'll sound her out, see how it goes. Good luck.

Thanks.

We all knew Patrick in different ways.

As a husband,

as a father, brother...

a friend.

I knew him as an active and committed member of our church.

Whenever help was needed, Patrick would raise his hand.

When Mrs Kelly's roof fell in,

he was there with a mop

and a box of tools.

Let us all take a moment now to think about the Patrick we knew.

SILENCE

PEN SCRATCHES LOUDLY

Reverend, that was a lovely eulogy. Very moving.

Patrick was well-loved.

Of course, and I'm sure he would have really enjoyed that.

Well, not enjoyed it exactly.

What was that piece of music near the end?

Beethoven. Of course. Do you know which one?

Er... Fourth Symphony, I believe.

I was wondering, do you only do funerals at your own church

or would you ever go a bit freelance?

Er, well, my responsibility is to my own parish.

One last question.

All those things you said about Patrick,

did you know them already or did you have to do a bit of research?

I'm sorry?

Well, you obviously knew Patrick very well.

As we all did.

I'm sorry, I have a busy day.

Yeah, I don't want to keep you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Niamh's going to ask her mum if she can go home to visit.

To Ireland? That's where they live.

HE SIGHS They've been talking on the phone loads recently, too.

Look, a couple of phone calls is not going to do it, not with her family.

So what's the plan?

Distraction. We keep her occupied in case it goes wrong.

Let's face it, it probably will.

A night in the pub then, yeah?

If it was you or me, then yes.

As it's Niamh, she's going to want a quiet night in, wine, rubbish telly.

That'll just make her wallow in her misery.

What she needs is beer.

No-one is ever miserable with a pint of beer in their hand. MOBILE RINGS

And darts. Hello?

(Talk to you later.) Absolutely.

I won't do anything without your say so.

SHE KNOCKS GENTLY

I know what you're doing. I'm not...

It's not what do you think...

Relax!

You can stop the pretending. I'm not. I'm...

supposed to be here.

No, you're not.

And neither am I.

Graham.

Colin's Calendars.

Here we go.

And...

click on the link...

Why are you doing this to me?!

You OK? Every time I click on Colin's Calendars,

I go to a site which says Callum's Colanders.

Have you spelt it right?

No, I've checked it five times.

It's written on the back.

Maybe the site's been hacked.

Why would anyone want a site on colanders anyway?

Isn't it the same as a sieve?

Um, no, not really.

I'll leave you to it. HESTON SIGHS

Colin's...

I thought this vicar was a little too depressing.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

The one this morning had a very serious face.

But he had gravitas. Yes.

This one was trying a little bit too hard, I felt.

Yeah, exactly. We know it's sad, it's a funeral.

What about the music? Well, I've never been a fan of The Doors,

but I suppose it meant something to her.

You've got to think of your audience,

sat on a wooden pew, listening to a six-minute organ solo. Yeah.

Do you know, it's so nice to be able to talk about this. Yes.

Some people might think what we're doing is a bit weird.

I don't see why.

I just want to be ready.

And I haven't been to many funerals.

It's not as though we're hurting anybody.

Exactly.

And it might be nice for them to have a couple more people there...

Especially someone as glamorous as yourself.

Oh!

Well, you know...

I don't know about that, but...

Have you done this many times before?

A few times, yes.

Wow.

Death used to bother me. Really bother me.

I couldn't watch TV or read the papers.

Oh...

I went to a therapist and she suggested aversion therapy.

So I used to scour the obituaries in the paper,

put on a nice suit and the rest is history.

Well, you seem to be coping very well now.

Thank you very much.

Well, it's been very nice talking to you.

Where are you going?

I'm a bit peckish and there was a sandwich shop on the main road.

Well, come to the wake. No, I can't!

It's fine. They put a notice in the paper.

And if you want the full funeral experience...

It's not as though we're just turning up. You were at the service.

True.

Come on, then. Oh...

What if we get caught? We won't.

Two people's better.

But what if we do?

We need to get our story straight.

Don't say you're a neighbour. The place could be teeming with neighbours. Right.

It's better if we're not local.

You were close, but you hadn't seen each other for years.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Maybe I could be Scottish.

If you like. And I'm your husband.

We're married then.

If you'll have me.

In fact, she's the reason we met.

It's a funny story, actually... Don't make it too complicated.

Yep, you're right. It's probably not the right time for funny stories.

I'm Susie, who are you?

I always fancied being Drew.

Drawn?

Drew. The name.

Yeah, sorry.

Drew and Susie Hastings.

Avoid close family.

If in doubt talk to old people.

They'll chat to anybody. Roger that.

Don't worry about tonight. Got it all sorted.

Me, too. Let's hear yours.

I've ordered pizzas, wine and loads of ice cream.

Impressive.

And I've got wicked DVDs to take her mind off it, too. Which ones?

About Time, because she loves a bit of cheese, Aliens...

Well, because that's your fault.

And on title alone, Hot Tub Time Machine.

OK, that is an epic fail, as the kids no longer say.

About Time is all about some dude's relationship with his father.

It's from the people who brought us Love Actually,

the worst film ever made.

The central theme of Aliens is motherhood.

No, it's not.

Ripley and Newt, the alien queen and all her little monsters.

Now, I've not seen Hot Tub Time Machine, but I imagine,

like all Back To The Future pastiches,

it's just about trying to get back home.

Ayesha, what are you thinking? What's your brilliant idea, then?

Simple, we go to the Countryman.

It's two pies, two pints for a tenner night

and we hang out round the dartboard.

You do know that the Countryman's an Irish pub now, don't you? Yeah, course it is.

No, seriously, and they got rid of the dartboard. What?

Is nothing sacred in this world?!

Er, hello?

We're supposed to be talking about Niamh, here?

Yeah, of course.

Well, we need two new ideas.

One would be nice.

HE SIGHS

Hey.

Oh, Niamh. You spoke to her.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry, mate.

It's their loss.

No, she said, "Yes."

No, she said, "Yes."

Oh, that's great news.

I'm going home.

I'm so pleased for you.

I've got to book flights.

We should go out to celebrate. Definitely.

Not the Countryman, though.

Why not?

It's turned into an Irish pub.

Oh, well, you know what, that could be a laugh. Why not?

All right, I'll cancel the pizzas, then. OK.

So, what do you think, Drew?

Well, Susie. Little bit crowded.

Well, it's nice to have a good turnout,

but I wonder if they should have hired a bigger venue?

Apparently she was a member here.

Yeah, well, that's tricky, balancing sentiment with practicality.

I do like a proper do.

Some of the home occasions can be a little bit quiet.

Nobody wants that.

The living have to go on living.

Mmm. You've got to try the chicken.

I would like to have my funeral at an amusement park.

Really?

That'd be fun, don't you think?

Forget pall bearers, just throw me down the log flume.

It's a health and safety nightmare.

Well, Susie doesn't care about health and safety.

Susie likes to live for the moment.

Susie apparently talks about herself in third person...

I think Drew would like a Viking funeral.

Really?

Set me on fire, float me out to sea.

Nice. Although I've always thought that was a bit of a waste of a boat.

I could always steal another one.

It's not very practical.

No wonder they went extinct.

Can I get you some food? No, I don't want to be greedy.

Oh! Some of these people are on thirds.

Well...

Oh, no!

What?

The next funeral. We're going to miss it.

Does it matter?

I really want to see this one.

OK, look, if we go now, maybe we can make it.

Protect this with your life.

That calendar company is impossible to find.

You said.

I tried the internet, directory enquiries.

The website doesn't even exist.

Maybe they went bust.

They could be trading under another name.

Either way, you're not going to find them, so, time to move on.

Well, there are probably other customers who don't know they're being conned.

Oh, imagine... They're probably planning a calendar for next year.

Good point...

Have you tried Trading Standards? You could call Watchdog.

Both good ideas. Thank you.

Watchdog?

Oh! Pesky traffic.

We can always go to the wake.

I don't know...

It was in the paper. I've got the address.

Maybe we could stick our heads round the door.

After you.

If my funeral was like this, I would just die.

Again.

Why did you want to come to this one?

I don't know. I think I just liked her name, Lauren Stringfellow.

We could be Stringfellow at the next one.

That would be nice.

You know, it's nice, being other people,

but I don't actually know anything about who you really are.

What do you want to know?

Well, why are you so worried about death? Apart from the obvious...

My sister died.

Oh, I'm sorry. When?

I was eight. Meningitis.

You must miss her. Yes.

But I was also very scared of her coming back as a monster.

Was she mean to you? No, no.

Some of the kids at school said she might do that.

My parents, well, they were very over protective.

Wouldn't let me out of their sight, in case something happened. I can imagine.

So all of that turned me into the nutcase you see before you today.

You don't seem like a nutcase to me.

Or if you are, you're one of those handsome nutcases they have in films.

That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

I think I'm a bit tipsy.

Have something to soak it up? No, I can't.

Go on, force yourself.

No, no, thank you, but no.

I'll have yours. Be back in a minute.

Hello, I'm Natasha Stringfellow.

No, Anastasia. Anastasia Stringfellow.

Charmed. Charmed to...

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing.

What?!

I'm sorry, really sorry.

Were you invited by the family?

There was an ad in the paper. Not an ad, what's the word...?

Were you invited? Yes or no?

Not exactly.

And what about at the chapel this morning? No.

Sorry. It's just that I haven't been to many funerals.

What sort of an excuse is that?

I just wanted to see what they were like. I wasn't hurting anyone.

You are intruding on a family's grief.

Well, if you put it like that...

You're taking advantage of their hospitality,

stealing their food and drink.

No, I wasn't, cos I wasn't even hungry... What possessed you?

Why would you do such a thing?

I'm sick.

And I don't know if I'm going to get better.

Is that true? Yes.

You're not just saying that because you got caught? No, of course not.

I'm trying to cope, but I'm just not very good at it.

And I didn't think what it would be like for Mrs Stringfellow.

Should I go and apologise? No, no. That won't be necessary.

I'll just go, shall I...?

Wait! Wait.

Do you...do you have someone you can talk to?

About your situation?

Yes, of course. Lots of people.

Do you go to church?

At Christmas. I like the carols.

Ah.

You can reach me at St Saviours...

..Church...

if you ever feel you need to talk.

CHOKING NOISE

Don't worry, everybody. I'm a doctor's receptionist.

WITH DIFFICULTY: Stop, stop it!

Oh, it's OK. He's fine. Everything's fine.

No, I'm not. I could have died.

You call that food?!

I should sue.

Yeah, of all the funerals I've ever been to,

that's the worst food I've ever had.

I wouldn't even feed it to my dog. (Stop it!)

Is this man with you?

We just met.

Was anything you told me true?

Yes, of course it is.

Then I think you both should leave, right now.

Fine. But you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

(Stop it, Graham.) I demand an apology.

This isn't the last you've heard of this.

I am so embarrassed!

Why did you say those things?

Attack is the best form of defence.

Come on.

We were having a ball until Reverend Stony-face poked his nose in.

Graham, exactly how many funerals have you been to?

Does it matter? Yes, it matters.

Was anything you told me true?

I do have a sister.

We don't talk much.

But she is alive, mostly.

Come on, you lied, as well.

No, I didn't.

Who the hell plans their funeral at your age?

You're in it for exactly the same reasons as I am.

Which is?

A voyeuristic thrill and some free grub.

You're wrong.

Come on!

We can still have some fun.

There's an Indian funeral round the corner.

The food's going to be amazing.

Oh...scarf.

Weather's nice, anyway.

We'll make a start. Right, then...

So, we are here today...

..to remember Reg.

Reg was one of us.

He didn't have any family.

We...we were Reg's family.

It's great that you've all come here today

to help send him on his way.

As we all know, Reg was a right keen magician.

So there really is only one way to pay tribute to him

and that's to saw him in half. HE CHUCKLES

No, but I do need a volunteer from the audience.

A big hand for the mystery lady at the back.

Right, then.

Pick a card.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

Going to have little drink after work. You want to join?

Actually, yes.

I really feel I've achieved something. Oh.

Aside from the treating of patients?

Yes, I e-mailed the council about cowboy traders

and had a very interesting conversation with a TV consumer affairs programme.

They're ringing me back.

Wow!

I'm impressed.

I was sure that company was going to elude you.

No chance of that.

Well done, Heston.

You know, I have a saying just for occasions like this.

"Never overfill your sandwiches..."

"Unless you want sauce on your shoes."

That's the one.

Winston Churchill, according to my calendar.

Good old Winnie.

Which is nonsense and...

you wouldn't know that...

The penny drops.

Mrs Gulliver is a patsy.

I am Keyser Soze.

How...how could you do that? I put a lot of effort into that.

Coming up with 365 different quotes, for a starter!

I'm really impressed that you sussed it so soon.

I actually got a sweepstake going and, oh, looks like Karen's won.

Who else knows?

Um, everyone.

No, that's not fair.

Yes, it is fair. Everyone knows.

I wasted half a day.

You made me look like an idiot.

That took me more than half a day.

I wrote to the council! It would have gone straight to their spam folder.

How can you do this to a colleague?

I would be delighted if someone had done that for me.

GET OUT OF MY OFFICE NOW!

You know, a simple thank you would suffice.

(Think of blood pressure.)

APPLAUSE

As we all know, Reg was a huge Johnny Cash fan

and Ring of Fire was his absolute favourite.

So, thank you for that, Harry.

Right, there now follows a reading...

..of Reg's favourite Christmas cracker jokes!

As we all know, Reg had the sense of humour of a four-year-old.

So I'm going to read out the set-up

and if you know the punchline, shout it out.

Here we go. Number one...

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff. Correct.

Number two...

What do you call a man hiding in a bush?

RUSSELL!

Easy now, missus, give some of these others a chance.

Number three...

Oh, are you ready?

Abso-blooming-lutely.

And that luxury first round is on the Hollinses!

What's the point in winning if you have to buy everybody a drink?

The point is glory and kudos.

Humph. Al, may I have a word?

Oh-oh.

Is this going to be another loud, shouty word,

like earlier in your office?

I overreacted.

Well, you know, you were the victim of a quite spectacular sting operation. I was.

I was quite touched.

So, thank you.

Always sleep with your eyes open.

As Salvador Dali once said...

I'm going to catch you up, OK?

Hi, Mum... Yes, just one sec...

Yes, no, we're all just going

Oh, right...

What if I had a word maybe...

It's too soon, but, um...

maybe in a few months we could...

Mum. I've really got to go.

So, yeah, I'll call you soon, OK?

Bye.

I know I wasn't supposed to be here today.

Reg would have appreciated it.

I wish I'd met him.

I didn't know a memorial could be so much fun.

That's probably not the right thing to say, is it? No, it's fine.

I think a funeral should...

try to capture who the person was in life.

Yes. That is exactly right.

So, you didn't mind me sneaking in?

I've been watching you today.

Have you?

I can tell you're going through something.

You're looking for guidance.

There's nowt wrong with that.

Thank you.

What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?

Warren.

Thanks.

PHONE RINGS

SHE SOBS

You've come for your money, I expect, yeah?

Maybe it's time for you to just get on with your life.

You could start that by giving me a little smile?

We're not teenagers.

What's stopping you now?

Come on, Ruhma. No.

Fore!

RADIO 4 PIPS

For waking us up... Good morning, friends!

..and getting us going.

CHEERING Here she is!

For making us laugh...

and making us cry.

# Now and forever... #