Play Date Doctors

HACKING COUGH

What a terrible shot.

Mind your own business.

Maybe if you took off one of your gloves and put that cigar out?

Like I say.

You've come for your money I expect, yeah?

What are you still working for? It's lunch time.

If I keep going, I can get this inputting finished today.

-But what are you going to do tomorrow?

-Sorry.

I haven't got time to chat.

If you want to chat, you're going to have to find someone else.

Hey, what are you doing on your afternoon off?

Wouldn't you like to know?

I see that Heston also has the afternoon off

and I heard him whistling.

We're going for a walk.

A romantic walk?

No. A long, tiring walk.

Well, I think somebody should tell Heston,

because I don't think he's got the same trip planned.

Heston.

Half a day's leave together. That sounds serious.

Where are you going?

I'm going for a walk.

That sounds promising. How's it all going?

-Fine.

-Yeah?

I thought I noticed a wee spring in your step.

-Really?

-Yeah.

So, where are you taking her on this walk?

I think Ruhma's got somewhere in mind.

Really? Well, if she doesn't, there's always Lickey Hills.

I'd rather let Ruhma decide.

No, Heston, don't do that.

Don't wait for things to happen, make them happen.

You sound just like Anthony.

And Anthony has good ideas too.

Which is why he's playing golf and not at work?

He may be mixing business with pleasure.

Yeah, "making things happen".

You took your time, she's left already.

Do you even know where you're going on this long, tiring walk?

Really? I've just had a barrel load of advice from Daniel.

The master.

There's only one master here. Anthony.

-I thought you were busy?

-Yes, I am.

While Anthony is out collecting money for my charity,

I'm going to make sure this place stays on an even keel.

Chit-chat achieves nothing.

Office gossip just leads to misunderstandings and resentments.

-Is that one of his?

-Yes, it is.

And when he speaks, Karen, I suggest you listen.

This is a place of work.

It doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself.

I enjoyed myself yesterday - on my day off.

What did you do, something nice?

I did actually. I went to a funeral.

Right...

I'm going to the Lickey Hills.

The Lickey Hills. Well, enjoy!

I pledged that money for you to enter a cycle race.

-And we did it. At work.

-You never even left the building.

It was a static bike race.

Ridiculous! And you didn't even win.

I saw it in the local paper.

That is why I'm not paying you.

You're not going to honour your pledge?

How much of your own money have you put in?

-A bit.

-A bit?

From where I'm standing, this isn't costing you anything.

-So?

-So, I say we play for it.

I can't, I'm making up a four with Reg, Jav and James.

You're just going to have to let them down then, aren't you?

-Aren't you waiting for someone?

-Nope.

I lose, I put in £1,000. I win...

I'm not paying £1,000.

Up to you. But unless you put something on the line,

I'm not putting my hand in my pocket.

Have you read "Apogee"?

-No.

-It's magnificent.

It's Murder On The Orient Express, set in outer space.

One of the passengers is an alien,

but no-one knows who - not even the alien.

You can borrow it after I'm done.

-OK.

-You can lend it to me.

You didn't come back to the pub.

No, I just headed home.

Everything all right with your mum?

No way!

I don't really want to talk about it.

Maybe talking about it is the right thing to do?

Probably.

It can't be.

Was it that bad?

It's worse.

It cannot be!

-Is that annoying you?

-It really is.

Sorry, I'm watching that new show everyone's talking about, Plasden.

-Seen it.

-No spoilers.

I thought it was massively overrated.

Overrated? You're joking.

That ending, however... Wow.

I mean it, Al...

I couldn't see it coming, could you?

You didn't even watch it to the end.

No, but he doesn't need to know that, does he?

Maybe it's time for you to just get on with your life.

You could start by giving me a little smile?

That would never happen.

Thanks for trying, Al - but I just can't do it today.

Pressure getting to you?

No-one forced you to pledge that cash.

Course they did. You asked me in the clubhouse.

Don't you care what people think about you?

Of course I do. Everybody does.

Why do you think everyone else gave you money?

-Because it's a good cause.

-Is it?

-Helping to find a cure for Hodgkin's lymphoma? I'd say so.

-Why?

Why find a cure for cancer?

Why not Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma?

Why is Hodgkin's better?

Have you got Hodgkin's lymphoma?

-No.

-Do you know someone who has?

Our receptionist.

And that's the reason?

Have you run out of money? Is that what this is all about?

-If business is that bad...

-Business has never been better.

But if you can't afford it, we can just write it off.

-Not give the money to charity?

-Not if you can't afford it.

They know how much has been pledged.

You'll just have to tell them you couldn't collect.

I always collect.

You'd better up your game, then.

You're three down already.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

I used to go walking with my first boyfriend.

Oh, yeah? How old were you?

About 15. It was all very innocent.

What happened?

It just ended.

You remind me of him.

-Because it ended?

-No.

Because he was a perfect gentleman.

-Suzy Barnes.

-What?

My first girlfriend. That was all perfectly innocent.

That's probably why she ended it.

Cos she didn't want to wait?

So, if I like someone now, I tend to act on it.

Is that how it started with you and Marina?

No.

That was more her taking the lead and me not wanting to say no.

-What was she like?

-A bully.

Even her son told me that.

He told you that?

Did she ever hit him?

No, but he saw her hit his dad.

She did that in front of him?

In my experience, the kids always know what's going on.

Thanks.

Ruhma?

Ruhma?

Ah, come on!

-Pressure getting to you?

-They are getting to me.

-You really think it's going to go that far?

-Please.

You might be better off using a three iron.

Unlike you, I trust myself to drive.

It cost you at the last.

Really? Who's ahead?

Only by two. I've got the momentum.

Ah, but have you got the game?

I think I do.

I told you you'd enjoy this more with something riding on it.

That's why I never married.

He could be playing golf.

What the hell are they doing?

Why would you think that would be OK?

-What?

-Why would you think it would be OK to say that "children know"?

-Because you told me...

-I told you in confidence.

Look, we've both had similar experiences...

No, you were a middle-aged professional man.

-I was pregnant, unemployed, alone.

-I was alone.

You had a few months, I had years. I had children.

You had choices.

You asked me what happened to my first boyfriend.

When my parents found out, they made me stop seeing him.

-And what about now?

-What?

We're not teenagers. What's stopping you now?

I'm going to take the shot.

-No, you can't.

-No?

Come on, Ruhma?

-Fore!

-Watch out!

-Ow!

-Are you OK?

HACKING COUGH, WHEEZING

-Let me have a look.

-I'm fine.

Stop being ridiculous. Come here. How's it feel?

It's like a sort of bee or a wasp sting, really...

-Here?

-Ah! Yeah.

-Is it there?

-Yeah.

Is that better? That's nice, is it?

-Yeah.

-Really nice?

HESTON WINCES, LAUGHS

-That ball barely touched you.

-It could have killed me!

I don't think so. Where did it hit you?

Heston? Ruhma?

-Are you all right?

-We were trying to go for a walk.

-What the hell were you doing?

-Where's my ball?

-What?

It was heading straight down the fairway.

You could have killed us and you're worried about a ball?!

-Did you see where it went?

-I don't know where it went.

COUGHING, WHEEZING

HACKING COUGH

Not you, as well?

-What?

-What are you watching?

Plasden. Don't tell me what happens.

Don't worry, I haven't seen it.

-Are they sisters?

-No, mother and daughter.

There's not much of an age gap.

I've heard about this. Um...

Ooh, so, she thinks they're sisters,

but they don't get on?

It's more Elsa, the daughter. She'll never forgive her.

Until she dies.

-What?

-If she dies.

At least you don't know who did it.

-Your pulse is racing.

-I'm fine.

-You're breathing very fast.

-I said, I'm OK.

You're wheezing. I think you should see a specialist.

-I already am.

-And?

It's the cigars.

Well, stop smoking them.

What's the matter? Is he ill?

Not that I know of.

Should he even be playing?

I don't suppose he will be, now.

Right, are we going to finish this game of golf, or what?

You want to carry on?

If you think you can use this as an excuse to get out of a bet,

you can pay up now.

-Is he OK?

-I really can't say.

Is he all right to carry on playing?

It's up to him.

Right, then.

Right, then.

Right, then.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Hello, Dr Donoghue.

I've come for my appointment.

Good afternoon!

It's me, really.

Karen asked me to bring you those.

How about we go out tonight?

The three of us.

Thanks, Al, I appreciate it, but...

We could watch a film?

All About My Mother?

Y Tu Mama Tambien?

We could watch a comedy.

Come on, talk to me.

I'm trying to cheer you up here.

I don't want to be cheered up. I'm sad.

Fine. I'll go back to my book.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-If you change your mind...

SHE SIGHS

Karen, keep your grubby hands off my things.

Did you see that?

See what?

Have you never fancied playing golf?

No, not for a second. Do you want to play golf?

Me? No.

What do you want to do with your life?

I want the kids to grow up and be happy.

And then what?

You think that's being selfish, don't you?

No.

I've got kids, so it's different.

-Have I crossed another line?

-Yes.

Right, Shak and Alia grow up and they both become doctors.

No, no, no, no, no.

-Shak's going to be a lawyer.

-Oh.

You know, I think I preferred it

-when you'd been hit by that golf ball.

-Oh, thanks(!)

-Do you know what I want?

-What?

I want something to eat, I'm starving.

Just take the drop.

"Ball in motion deflected by outside agency".

Rule 19, subsection 1.

"Ball played where it lies".

-But you're not well.

-Who says?

-You just collapsed.

-Well, I'm fine now.

Really? What did Heston say?

See?

Some of us don't need favours from anyone.

Really? After what just happened?

-It wasn't because of these.

-What was it because of, then?

Let's just remember why we're playing.

Take your shot.

Or maybe you just don't want to tell me.

Maybe I don't.

COUGHING

Have you got cancer?

What?

Is that why you don't want to give me the money?

Are you going to do any work today?

Hello?

Sorry, I'm just trying to get to the end before afternoon surgery.

I envy you. First time.

I know. I'm loving it.

Well, I won't spoil it for you, but..

Who's your favourite character?

It's got to be Elsa.

Really? A lot of men say Erik.

-No, he's weak.

-He's trying to do the right thing.

Between drinks.

Dealing with the damage.

..And causing more.

He's a charmer though, isn't he? He's funny.

He's overcompensating.

But Anya gives him a hard time - and we all know why.

-Do we?

-Her mother.

I'm just getting to the start of all that now.

Oh, it's all OK to begin with.

-OK.

-Maybe they're too alike.

-I'll just have to wait and see...

-Or maybe Anya's projecting.

-Like I say...

-Taking out her frustrations on Erik,

when she should really be standing up to her mother...

You are kind of spoiling it for me now.

No, I'm not.

-Kind of.

-Oh.

-So, if you don't mind, I'll...

-Yeah, sure.

What would you say if I did have cancer?

-So you have?

-No.

-You really want to win that much?

-Don't you?

Would you tell me why you feel so guilty?

Who says I feel guilty?

-Why are you doing this?

-I'm starting to wonder.

-Why cancer?

-Look, if you don't want to give the money...

I want you to tell me why.

Because my mother died from cancer.

-And you blame yourself?

-No, it was cancer.

-So, you want to make yourself feel better.

-I don't feel bad.

-You leave it on bad terms?

-No.

-Argued about the treatment?

-Not at all.

-So, you were there for her?

Yes.

I couldn't let her die alone.

So, you didn't.

Then you got yourself a wife and kids for when you go.

IPF.

-Fibrosis?

-Not cancer.

Take your shot.

This is lovely.

Thank you.

A chilled glass of Tingleup Riesling and I'd be in heaven.

Is it not cold enough already?

Maybe something warmer, like gluwein.

Can't you enjoy yourself without a glass of wine?

Of course I can, but it's the icing on the cake.

That would be nice.

I'm afraid yours isn't.

You've got some cake?

-Are you not having any?

-I don't fancy it.

I'm more savoury over sweet.

Go on, have both?

My husband used to say that he'd leave me if I got fat.

-That's ridiculous.

-Yeah. He tried to stop me eating.

I wouldn't stop you doing anything.

Don't worry, I wouldn't let you.

I've got a couple of years,

unless I get a flare-up, or get an infection.

What about a lung transplant?

Do you know how long you have to wait for a double lung donor?

-It could be worth going on the list.

-I'm not that fit. Overweight.

"Capable of rehabilitation"? I don't know.

You could give up smoking.

It's not just that, is it? It's everything else too.

They told you to stop playing golf?

No, but when go on the list, you get a pager.

And if a donor comes in, you go. You drop everything.

Clubbing of the fingers.

They go round at the ends.

And you're really not a candidate for transplant?

Not while there's somebody younger and fitter, with kids to feed.

-Should still put you on the register.

-What for?

So I can spend even more time in the hospital?

It's hard enough getting somebody to play with as it is.

You taking that putt, or what?

I hope you're not trying to let me win.

I can't.

I haven't got a spare £1,000.

Shot.

Say it like you mean it, then.

Here.

I'll transfer the money.

Next time, we'll make it a proper bet.

Right, then.

Last cup of tea before the rush.

Maybe the patients will speak to me.

Should have brought a book in, shouldn't you?

No headphones? God eftermiddag, Sid.

That's Danish for "good afternoon". I love everything Danish.

Pastries, bacon, Connie Nielsen, Brigitte Nielsen...

-Leslie Nielsen?

-Absolutely.

But most of all, I love their twisty-turny TV shows...

I'm not listening.

-HE hasn't even finished it.

-You didn't even finish it?

Nope, but the internet is a wonderful thing.

You spoiled it for yourself?

If I'm going to ruin it for you, it only seemed fair.

-Then don't ruin it for me!

-Where's the fun in that?

-Please, stop.

-Shhtopp! As they say in Denmark.

Sorry? Do you mind, everybody? I am trying to work in there.

-It's his fault.

-It is not. They won't let me watch Plasden in peace.

Oh, I've seen that.

-Don't say what happens.

-No, I won't.

All I will say though is,

I can't see anybody in Anya's position doing what she did.

Her own mother. Really?

Valerie, haven't you got work to do?

Yes, I have.

She killed her mother.

She did.

And while we're on the subject, in "The Sixth Sense" he's dead along.

The Village takes place in modern times...

And in "Apogee", it was Marjorie.

-In what?

-Al's book.

The alien is Marjorie.

LAUGHTER

Ruhma?

Ruhma?

You asked me what I want.

I want you.

I know.

So, what's the problem?

I'm scared.

I'm scared of what might happen.

What might happen?

Everything will change. And things are fine as they are.

They're not, are they?

Are you saying you just want to be friends?

-Because if you are ...

-I'm not.

I want you to wait.

-I'm asking you to wait for me.

-Wait till when?

I don't know.

I can't.

Either we're together, or we're not.

You've got an afternoon off?

-Why?

-So have I.

-Do you want to gatecrash a funeral with me?

-A funeral?

What happened? Did somebody knock you down?

-I can't remember.

-Is this because I told you to stop following me?

-Does it hurt anywhere?

-Who's he?

It will not happen again.

It's a simple mistake.

Doesn't really matter, does it?