A Ghost at the Feast Doctors

Hi, guys. Work on that slice, yeah?

You said you were working all day.

HE SIGHS

What are you doing here?

Us... Where are you going?

To lunch.

-You're lying.

-What I do is none of your business.

You can't just walk away.

Things have changed.

What? Because of this stupid fantasy you have?

It's not stupid and it's not a fantasy.

You're 50, not 15!

And it's time I got a life.

You have a life. With me. We're good together.

Leave me alone.

There must be something we can do.

There is.

-You can stop following me.

-I'm your wife!

It's over.

Right, if you'd like to take a seat.

Oh. Er... Nurse Lee.

I am so sorry, but there has been a mix-up with the rota.

Oh, Mrs T, I'm not giving up my time off. I gave you bags of notice.

I have organised cover, but unfortunately,

I forgot to take your name off the rota.

-So?

-If Mr Harker sees that you are not working...

Tell him you made a mistake.

Is it not possible for you to take the shift...?

Because you didn't take my name off the rota?

I know it is a small matter, but if you have nothing special planned...

Well, is that no?

She does my nut in.

-Who?

-Mrs Tembe.

It's none of her business what I do with my afternoon off.

-You've got an afternoon off?

-Why?

So have I.

-Do you want to gate-crash a funeral with me?

-A funeral?

Yeah, I went to one on Wednesday. Well, a few, actually...

Are you sure you should be doing that?

-No, it was brilliant.

-Is this on?

-Yeah, just boiled.

-Nice people, good food, great music.

-Dead bodies...

People are really warm and...welcoming.

What kind of drugs have they got you on?

No, seriously, because the more mourners there are,

the better the family feel. You can't lose.

-Unless you're the corpse.

-It'll be a right laugh!

-Yeah. Right...

You haven't changed a bit. Apart from the beard, of course.

Bjorn Borg?! That went out a while ago.

-Are you still coaching?

-25 years. Same club.

-Are you? Wow!

-You should come down.

-Well, I might do. I might come with my boy.

-How old is he?

-He's not quite five.

-A bit young... Why not?

-Yeah. Come through.

We can have a chat while I'm finishing off.

-Why is Dr Granger here?

-Er...

He has some paperwork to catch up on.

Apparently, Baby Joe was...

According to the rota, he has the day off.

Yes, but that is not a patient. That is a friend of Dr Granger's.

Ah, I see.

I suppose it's a bit difficult with Joe.

Yeah, been there. They take over your everything.

-They can do.

-Kids, marriage, mortgage.

You end up wondering where your life went.

-It's not that bad.

-It is if you don't fight it.

You don't want to end up on your deathbed regretting

all the things you never did.

I don't think I will.

I didn't either, until I realised I was 50 and I'd wasted half my life.

That's not true, surely?

All the things that I never did, mainly because I was too hung up.

Not after a couple of tequilas, you weren't!

-Which is exactly why we need to pick up where we left off.

-No way.

My liver couldn't cope.

I'm all done here, so I'm all yours. Where do you want to eat?

I don't mind.

OK. Well, there's a place that we go to nearby. It's not too bad.

-I'm in your hands.

-Fantastic. Follow me.

-Fun?

-You might meet someone.

-At a funeral?!

-Yeah. No, funerals are really good places to meet guys.

-Much better than bars or clubs.

-Yeah, if you want to get in quick

-with the dead woman's husband.

-No, honestly. People really open up.

You'd be amazed at the things people tell you.

For example, this really cute guy told me all about his father.

Sounds exciting.

Apparently, his father left when he was 14 and then came back

15 years later begging for forgiveness...wearing a dress.

-No!

-Yeah, yeah. Fully post-op. I was the first person he told.

-Why?

-Well, I think it was the funeral.

I think it made him realise that life's too short for secrets.

-Did he have any other secrets?

-Well...

Nurse Lee, I am so sorry to bother you,

but Mr Harker is asking about the rota.

-I'm not giving up my afternoon off.

-I know it is an imposition...

-Yes.

-But if you are not doing anything special...

-I am.

It is only for a few hours.

Mrs Tembe, I'm going to a funeral.

Oh...

Oh, I am very sorry.

Of course. Of course, you have to go to the funeral.

-And... Well, I am sorry for your loss.

-Thank you.

-I think my boy would enjoy tennis.

-Bring him down to the club.

-Yeah.

-I could probably do with a refresher myself.

-Like old times.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

-Oh... Get off!

-You were unconscious.

What are you doing, Janine?

-Do you know each other?

-She's my ex.

-We're still married.

-We are splitting up.

-What happened? Did somebody knock you down?

-I can't remember.

-Is this because I told you to stop following me?

-Does it hurt anywhere?

-Who is he?

-I'm a doctor.

I would like to examine you a bit further,

because I think you might be concussed.

I have made a mistake with the rota. I am so sorry.

-It is not like me to be so careless.

-What did you do?

Two weeks ago, Nurse Lee asked if she could have the afternoon off.

-She's going to a funeral.

-That's fair enough.

Well, I have arranged adequate cover, a fine agency,

we have used them before and I have contacted the patients...

So...?

Well, for some reason,

I have written Nurse Lee's name down on the rota.

I do not know what I was thinking. It will not happen again.

It's a simple mistake. It doesn't really matter, does it?

-Well, no.

-So, why are you getting so worked up?

I am sorry.

I should not have wasted your time.

You should have more confidence in yourself.

Yes...

You are right.

I am so sorry.

OK, there's no sign of serious injury.

Because there's nothing wrong with her.

What are you playing at, Janine?

-But I'd still like to take a look, inside, if that's all right.

-Why?

Well, just to be sure.

-I'm not going in there.

-Then go home and leave me alone!

Don't tell me what to do!

-What's going on?

-I don't know.

I know what you're up to.

She thinks I'm having an affair.

-Are you?

-No.

But it's complicated.

She can't accept that our marriage is over.

I don't know what to do with her any more.

-He's hot!

-Not a close relative.

-How can you tell?

-The clothes. And he's on his own. They're the best ones.

-Hm.

-Maybe we should get to know him.

-No, no. Not yet. We go in last.

That way, less questions.

Um... What should we say if people ask why we're here?

Distant relatives?

Do I look like I'm related to these people?

Hm. What do you think of these?

-They're all right.

-Getting the flowers right is so important.

-What are you doing?

-Just research for my funeral.

You're not serious?! Val!

CAMERA SHUTTER ON PHONE

(She doesn't look happy.)

Probably the widow.

Come on. Selfie.

What?! No!

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Dr Reid, have you got a minute? I need to ask you a small favour.

'Yeah, fire away.'

But it is best if we keep this between ourselves.

Strictly speaking, I should be talking to one of the partners.

-Is something wrong?

-No, no. Everything is fine.

It's just...

I need a reference.

For a job.

You're leaving?

-Well, there is an opening at a practice.

-You can't leave.

Is this because you're back on reception?

Oh, no. No, it is nothing to do with that.

Well, we'll be lost without you. Mrs Tembe, has someone upset you?

No. No, the staff are as wonderful as ever.

It's just... Well, sometimes, you have to move on.

I know. We could say that we met the dead guy through our escort agency.

You want us to say we're prossies?

-Well, it would explain how we know him.

-What if the dead guy's a woman?

So?

You're really twisted, you know that?

-Would you like to be cremated?

-Not at the moment, no.

I would. Clean, simple. I would hate to be embalmed.

I don't think you'd feel it much if you're dead.

The big question is - where would I have my ashes scattered?

Can you stop being so morbid, please? Just for five minutes?

Oh! I know! We could say that we work for the dead guy's dentist.

-Dentist?

-Yeah, that way we won't have to lie

that much cos you could be the nurse and I could be the receptionist.

Why would we go to a patient's funeral?

-Because he was so kind and generous.

-What if he wasn't kind and generous?

It doesn't matter because everyone

-thinks their relatives are perfect, once they're dead.

-I don't.

And I am not pretending to be a dental nurse. I've got standards.

We only stayed together, because of the kids.

When our youngest left home, Janine got depressed, started drinking.

And now, she follows me everywhere.

-How long have you been together?

-Too long.

Don't get me wrong, she was good to me, look after me

and all of that, and we were mostly happy.

-That sounds pretty good.

-But there's more to marriage than that.

-Ah. You're talking about sex.

-Mm.

And I can't go on pretending that it doesn't matter to me.

-Still, let's not talk about Janine. Another one?

-No.

I can't. Have you...?

-Have you tried getting her to talk to someone?

-She won't.

-My treat.

-Are you sure?

-Definitely.

In fact, the rest of the afternoon is my treat.

The rest of the afternoon?

Come on. I can really do with the company.

We can have a few drinks, some laughs, just like the old days.

I'm not sure how pleased my missus will be about that.

We can find a pub, maybe a club, get a hotel or something.

Order up some tequila.

I'm just too old for all-night sessions.

Don't be such a wimp. Let your hair down. It's Friday night.

Yeah, and I've got to go home.

How about a couple of drinks at the tennis club, then?

No. Sorry.

Right.

This isn't how it was supposed to be.

Eh?

Nothing.

That was lovely.

# I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

# But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it

# I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

# That for me, it isn't over... #

Music's nice.

Yes, beautiful.

# Never mind I'll find someone like you... #

(I think I'm in!)

-What?

-It's Claire.

You know her?

# Don't forget me... #

Are you serious about bringing your son down to the club?

Well, I think he might be a little bit young.

The key is to make it fun. We could do it together.

And it would give us a chance to catch up.

All right, I'll give you a call. OK? See you.

Late lunch?

Oh. No, I am just taking this parcel to the post office.

-Oh, right. Well, I was just kidding.

-Oh, right.

Sorry. Did you have a good time with your friend?

-Oh, you know, it was OK.

-HORN BEEPS AND CAR SKIDS

What are you doing? I could have killed you!

-What?

-Are you trying to scare me, so that I won't leave you?

-You OK?

-It won't work, Janine!

-What were you doing with him?

Stop pulling these stupid stunts! You're making a fool of yourself!

Me?! What about you?

-Iain, all right, calm down. Calm down.

-Dr Granger!

It's the same trick she pulled earlier.

-There we go.

-It's just emotional blackmail.

OK, Janine? Janine? Can you hear me?

Dr Granger.

-What is it?

-Call an ambulance.

Janine?

We met in hospital.

She had breast cancer and lung cancer.

Three lots of chemo.

Last time I saw her, she was planning a holiday.

Somewhere in Italy. And then... Just like that...

Are you OK?

I suppose that's how it happens.

-Do you want to leave?

-No, we can't.

A mother shouldn't have to speak at her own daughter's funeral,

but Claire was the bravest person I've ever known.

I can't let her go without telling her how much I love her.

How many of these have you taken?

The anti-depressants. How many have you had?

-Anti-depressants?

-Just one.

-When?

-I don't know. This morning.

-OK.

-And you didn't take them all?

-No.

-Don't lie!

-I'm not!

OK, your pulse is fast.

-How long have you been having the dizzy spells?

-A while.

Anything else? Breathing? Pains, aches?

-Pains in my chest.

-OK, it's hurting now?

OK, give me your hand getting her in the car. Gently, that's it.

OK.

I just think that, if we could make her realise how important she is,

-then maybe she'd stay.

-Possibly.

But the new job might just be a better opportunity for her.

It's worth a try, though. I mean, we'd have a hard time replacing her.

OK. Let me have a proper read of this and I'll get back to you.

Thanks.

I can understand why you wouldn't want any more changes, though.

-Not after...

-Oh, er...

You mean Howard.

Mm. Can't be easy.

I know how hard my mother's death hit me.

Actually, um...

I'm all right.

I'm sure you are.

I thought I was. Then some little thing would knock me right back.

I'm sure you know that feeling.

It was only later I realised how much it was

clouding my judgment, letting personal feelings get in the way.

-This isn't personal.

-Oh, I'm sure it's not.

But if it's what Mrs Tembe wants, then we can't stand in her way.

No.

Like I say, it's not easy, what you're going through.

If you ever need to talk...

No.

I'm fine.

Good.

"The moment of the rose

"and the moment of the yew tree are of equal duration."

That's lovely.

It's from a poem by TS Eliot.

Claire chose it.

It means that one life is as beautiful as another, even if

it only lasts for a very short time.

I was a friend of Claire's.

We met while I was waiting for my biopsy.

I didn't want anyone to know how frightened I was.

But Claire said it was OK to be scared.

That was Claire.

Always so strong.

For everyone.

-Thank you for coming.

-It was the least we could do.

It would have meant a lot to Claire.

-You all right?

-I can't believe she'd pull a stunt like that.

I don't think she did it deliberately.

She wouldn't swallow those pills by accident.

She knew exactly what she was doing. That's why she'd been following me.

Look, if she'd taken all those pills, I don't think she would

-have regained consciousness at all.

-So she's faking it?

-That's even worse!

-She's not faking it. OK, she's very ill.

Really? What's wrong with her?

I don't know.

Is it because of me? Because I told her we're through?

No, I doubt it.

These things take years to develop.

What things?

Why don't we just wait and see what the consultant says, OK?

If you just come back in a couple of weeks...

If you'd like to take a seat.

Mrs Tembe.

I've had an e-mail from a patient. It's about you.

Oh...

I think I should read it to you.

-Not in front...

-No, everyone should hear this.

"My four-year-old was terrified when we came to see the doctor.

"The surgery was full and I could see your receptionist was very busy.

"I know how annoying a crying child can be, but Mrs Tembe took the time

"to sit with her and calm her fears.

"Such warmth, kindness and honesty with children is rare.

"Your Mrs Tembe is a gem."

I wouldn't really kill myself.

You should know that.

I don't know anything any more.

I didn't even know you were on these pills.

You haven't been around much.

When did you start?

When you said you were leaving.

You're my best friend, Iain.

You're the only person I can really talk to.

We can still be friends.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

-You'll find someone.

-I want you!

-Things have changed.

-For you! Nothing's changed for me!

Sorry, bad time?

No, it's fine. What did the consultant say?

Well, the ECG confirmed what I thought,

that you have an arrhythmia, which is perfectly treatable.

With medication, you should be absolutely fine.

-You might want to make some small changes to your lifestyle.

-What?

Well, cut back on the drinking a little bit

and reduce the stress in your life.

This is all wrong.

-Are you all right?

-What does it matter how I am?

-Claire is dead.

-I'm sorry. I didn't... It's Valerie, isn't it?

Yes.

I remember Claire telling me how frightened you were.

-She was very fond of you.

-Was she?

She talked about you.

She was convinced you were going to be one of the lucky ones.

I'm sure you will be.

Claire thought she would be too.

Nobody deserved to live more than she did. I wanted to give you this.

Call me if you want. A coffee or just to talk.

Claire always found it helped.

I'm really sorry how this turned out.

It's really not how I imagined our first date.

What?

I was hoping we could rekindle the old flame.

-Until Janine stuck her oar in.

-Um... What old flame?

I fancy you, Daniel. I always have.

I'm not gay.

Me neither. I just like sleeping with men.

-That's what gay means.

-That's just a word.

What matters is if you're attracted to someone and we were.

Iain...

-Whatever gave you that idea?

-Come on.

All those tequila nights that we had together. You were curious.

You wanted to experiment, fool around.

Didn't you?

No.

You did.

We were both too scared to do anything about it.

Even with all the booze.

-I never had the courage.

-So, um...

So that's why you wanted me to go out drinking with you?

-Is it? Because you wanted to have sex?

-You wanted it too.

Wow, and here's me thinking that we were friends.

We could have had so much fun. We still can.

Do you know, you've got everything a little bit twisted in your head,

because there was never anything like that between us.

You can't spend your whole life repressing these things.

I'm not repressing anything. I've never been curious.

I've never wanted to experiment or fool around.

-OK.

-And do you know what?

Not that I really care, you've got your priorities all wrong.

Ah!

Mrs Tembe?

-I've been thinking about what you said...

-Oh, yes.

And I can't imagine this place without you.

Well, neither can I.

But if this job offers you more opportunities

-and responsibilities...

-Oh, it does, but...

Then a good reference is the least I can do.

Thank you, Dr Reid.

I was going to try and change your mind, and then I thought, no,

I have to put my personal feelings aside.

And... Well, if you think that it's best...

Please, let me know if there's anything you'd like me to change.

Oh, no. No.

I will not be needing this.

Oh? Why?

I have thrown the application away.

Like you said, I cannot imagine my life without this place.

That makes me very happy!

I thought he was going to hit me.

You haven't quite got the gaydar working, then?

Maybe I am too old for this.

Maybe you are.

What is so wrong with what we have?

-We've been living a lie.

-I haven't!

We've brought up two wonderful boys.

They're happy, successful, independent...

-Do you have any idea how rare that is?

-Yes.

I kept us going when you tried to find work and...

-And I looked after you when your knee went.

-I know.

We had good times. We used to laugh all the time. Admit it.

That's true.

So why do you want to throw it all away?

We must be able to do something to keep it together.

What about the sex?

Is it really that important?

It is to me! And I'm not denying it any more!

-I've never understood what people see in sex.

-I know.

What if...?

What if I said you could go off and...

do what you have to do whenever you wanted?

-And you wouldn't try to stop me?

-Not if it meant staying together.

Could you really live with that?

I don't have a choice, do I?

Can we at least try?

I always knew it was possible that I could die,

but I never really believed it.

Not even when I was planning my own funeral.

-You won't die.

-Well, Claire did.

-I knew this was a bad idea.

-Can we go, please?

-You don't have to stay.

-Valerie!

You're being morbid again.

What happened to all those things you said about staying positive,

-fighting back, trying to beat the cancer?

-Claire did all that.

Now she's just a pile of ashes.

This isn't doing you any good.

If it all goes wrong, that'll be me there.

It won't all go wrong.

Lifeless, rotting bones in a hole in the ground, where no-one ever goes.

What shall we do while they cook?

I can think of something.

-Lauren, are you happy for...?

-Course she is.

-Yeah, yeah. That's fine.

Sugar-daddies? They went out of fashion years ago.

Seems they're making a comeback.

I've been evaluating all the members of staff here,

thinking about how they fit in as part of a team

and I don't think your job is the perfect fit for you.