Trash Doctors

Just look what a mess!

Yeah. OK.

So when do you think it was dumped, Miss Percifield?

It must have been overnight.

I came out this morning and there it was when I collected the milk.

So it wasn't here before you went to bed?

Well, I'd have called you if it had been.

It's just so fortunate that you were in the area

today for our neighbourhood watch meeting.

Very fortunate. Have you got any idea who did it?

I don't want to say. I don't want to get her into trouble.

Get who in to trouble? Maybe I should just forget about it.

I don't think there's anything to worry about.

I think it was my next-door neighbour. Gina Lomax.

Gina Lomax, OK.

Oh, no. I feel dreadful for saying anything.

What makes you think it was her?

Well, I tried to get on, I've tried to be neighbourly, but all I get

is backchat and some of her language to me is quite unrepeatable.

I see.

She's the only person I can think of who would do this, Sergeant.

Right. Well, I'll have a word. Thank you so much.

Um... What should I do about all this?

It's just best to leave this now, please. Oh, evidence. Of course.

No.

Think about it.

No, I haven't got a clue.

I was doing Paul Newman in Hud. Oh, right!

Yeah. What? We had to do impressions. Oh...

We had fine wines, witty conversation...

It was a brilliant evening, you should have been there, Karen.

Well, I wasn't invited.

Maybe next time. Yeah.

Barry knew that I was Paul Newman immediately.

Barry was there? Yeah.

We were an unbeatable team in the board games.

Board games? Mm. PHONE RINGS

Oh.

See what I missed.

RINGS DOORBELL

KNOCKS ON DOOR

What do you want? Oh. Hello to you too, Gina.

I'm coming down to the cop shop later. Can't it wait?

It'll only take a minute. It never does though, does it?

Come on.

So, what have I done this time then?

Bullion robbery? Organ smuggling ring?

Did you dump rubbish on next-door's front garden? Did I what?

Why would I do that?

If I break the law then I'm straight back inside again, aren't I?

How do you get on with Miss Percifield? Oh.

So she said I did it.

I'm saying, that I'm going to be asking all the neighbours.

I thought we got on OK.

I don't have much to do with her, she doesn't have much to do with me.

No run-ins? No name calling? Oh, please. Would you give me a break?

Do you know what? I make one mistake...

A few mistakes, then I'm first on your list for anything that happens.

You're first on my list if you live next-door. Did you do it?

Look...

I've got a job interview this afternoon at Rackley's.

I'm not going to mess that up, am I?

Good for you. I'm impressed. I hope you're being straight with me, Gina.

Do you know what?

If I was going to go back inside, it'd be for more than fly-tipping.

I'd burn her shed down or something. Nice. Reassuring to know that.

So, if that's all?

For now.

I don't know how flamingos do it, eh?

Sorry? The standing on one leg thing.

Why do they do that?

If you ask me, it seems stupid.

What do you think, anorak man?

Look, I'm really sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to move.

How can I move? I haven't got my shoe on? So put your shoe on, then.

You're all heart, you are.

I bet you're a doctor, eh?

Wow, it's like you're psychic or something(!)

How do you cope with people coughing over you all day?

That would do my head in.

I'd have a rule where only healthy people could come and see me.

What's wrong with your foot? How should I know?

I didn't swan around medical school for seven years, did I?

Well, she's lying.

That may be so, but it's still her word against yours.

Well, this is most worrying.

Now she's going to be angry that you've gone round and...

She'll know it was me. I've made things worse. Much worse.

Calm down.

I don't think Gina wants any trouble, with you or anybody else.

But she's got a record, hasn't she? Yeah. Ex-con.

That's all there is to me, isn't it?

Oh, my goodness! Gina, go back inside, please.

No, not if she's badmouthing me. I've got a right to stick

up for myself. I'm only saying what I read in the papers. Oh.

Well, it must be true, then.

Look, I'm not going to do anything.

His lot are watching me like hawks, OK?

OK.

Right. Now, everyone, get off my case.

Oh!

If you hadn't been here... It doesn't bear thinking about.

It's obvious she did it, isn't it, sergeant?

What is it, Doc?

Yeah, I'm going to need to take a look at you inside, I think.

Really? Surely a couple of pills and I could be on my way.

I don't want to come in for a sore foot and leave with a lobotomy.

That rarely happens nowadays. Come on, I'll help you.

If you thought I'd drawn the short straw with the neighbourhood

watch thing, you should see me now.

Oh, ha-ha, yeah. Very funny.

OK. Got to go. How is it going, sergeant?

I do need to tell you that even if I do find something that links

Gina to all of this, it is still only circumstantial evidence.

So? It might be her rubbish, but it doesn't mean she put there.

But it might be enough to push her in to admitting it, mightn't it?

I don't mean to be uncharitable,

but this neighbourhood has gone downhill.

When I think what it was like when my parents were alive.

They'd never have had rubbish strewn all over the place. No.

And so far, I haven't found anything with Gina's name or address on it.

Surely that's not an end to it. Well...

You can't leave me in this limbo.

What if she wants revenge? You heard what she said.

I don't think she wants any trouble. But you don't know.

Everything all right?

Valerie?

Everything all right?

It's my chemo.

Yeah?

It hasn't worked.

DOORBELL RINGS

KNOCKS ON DOOR

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Yeah?

Oh, not this again.

Come on.

Even though this chemotherapy hasn't worked,

there will be other treatment options.

You will be in control of how things proceed. How I die, you mean.

No, how you're treated. But it's all just clutching at straws, isn't it?

Faith healers and people who put crystals on your body.

No, this is the end. Nothing's going to work.

All depends on your diagnosis. What does your consultant say?

Well, I haven't actually been... You have spoken to him, haven't you?

No, but I have read things on the internet. Valerie! No, proper sites.

Cancer blogs. From patients who have been through this,

been through what I'm going through.

And I have noticed some patterns.

You can't believe everything that you read.

Well, from what I've read, it seems that the iller

you are with your chemo, the greater your chances of survival.

And I wasn't that ill at all with my last session.

Not at all.

I understand that you're worried, but different people react to

treatments differently and there are different forms of chemotherapy.

So you really can't read anything in to it.

You don't know everything about it.

Valerie, you must talk to your consultant.

It's not worked, Daniel.

I can feel it.

Just have a look, see if any of them are yours.

Seriously, how many more times? Come on.

Hang on.

Chicken jalfrezi, Italian meatballs, chilli con carne...

Ringing any bells?

Hardly.

I'm vegetarian.

The inside of your fridge doesn't prove anything.

Well, check my custody record then. I might. Oh, come on.

The silly cow probably did it herself. Why would she do that?

Cos she wants to get rid of me, doesn't she?

He's been drinking.

Yeah, but he's not drunk and I still need to check him over.

Maybe if you fit him in as a temporary patient or something.

What's his name? Name?

Vernon Holliday.

Nice to meet you, love.

Right. We just need you to fill in a few details, OK?

Oh.

Address could be tricky.

You're going to need an address.

Have you got anywhere you could put? I could put my girlfriend's.

And is that where you're staying now? No.

I haven't lived there for about eight months, since she binned me.

Well, the sooner you fill in the form, the sooner I can see you.

Does he always nag you like this? Ha.

Did you make an arrest? I'm not even sure that Gina's responsible.

Well, then. How did it get here?

You saw how she was with me. Yeah.

Well, maybe she was like that

because she's been accused of something she hasn't done.

I don't have any enemies. It must be her.

Yeah. Well, to take it any further, I'll need some more, I'm afraid.

Oh. Well, maybe the chief inspector will be more sympathetic.

This day just keeps on getting better.

Oh. Wait a minute.

Leave that. Leave that. I can do that.

Leave it, please. Well, well, well. Look at this. Very interesting.

This rubbish is very familiar.

What?

Do you know what I think?

I think that Gina likes living here, so why would

she jeopardise that by putting rubbish all over your garden?

She's got nothing to gain. But you, on the other hand...

Would you want that sort of person living next-door to you?

I think you did it yourself, so you could get rid of her. Why do you

always mollycoddle the criminal?

It's decent people like me who suffer! It's just not fair!

Miss Percifield, did you put your own rubbish on your own garden?

You have no proof for these accusations.

Well, not at the moment, it's all circumstantial evidence

but if I can find a proper witness then I will arrest you.

We don't need everyone to hear.

You thought it was going to be a simple plan, didn't you,

that we would automatically believe you and not Gina?

I am saying nothing more.

Good. Try and get on with your neighbours, Miss Percifield.

Well? It's a fungal infection.

If your feet are damp and they're not cleaned regularly,

then it could provide the ideal conditions for it to develop.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Itches like mad, Doc.

Um... This is all I could find.

Hang on a minute.

You haven't got any clean clothes out there, have you?

I'm not Gok Wan.

You're going to need to wash your feet, dry them thoroughly

and then put the fresh socks on. You can use our shower.

I'll prescribe you an antifungal cream.

It'll be easier when I'm round my girlfriend's.

When do you think that'll be? It's hard to say really.

It's not going too great, to be honest.

I've been back for about three weeks.

Just haven't had the guts to go round yet.

Truth is I worry I haven't got much to offer her, have I?

She's not going to want a homeless drunk.

Even one with six GCSEs and a winning smile.

I can put you back in touch with rehab. They can help.

I don't need any help with drinking.

I'm really good at that on my own.

Very funny. Um... Look, you seem sober.

Why don't you get yourself round to your girlfriend's? Really?

I prefer to think about things, put them off.

And then think about them again, in a sort of cycle.

Maybe do something differently today.

Yeah.

OK.

Why not?

Can you pass me some headed notepaper, please?

This is karma. What? Me having to do everything myself?

No, karma with my bucket list.

I've done everything on it, so now it's time to die.

Can you not just add a couple more things?

It doesn't really work like that.

The fact is, Karen, you can't cheat death.

Can I help?

You could have done my back if you were five minutes earlier.

Mind you, nice to know that the NHS offers that service.

Sorry, the showers aren't for patients' use.

Sorry, he's with me.

Course he is.

All set? Yup.

Wish me luck in winning her back, Doc.

Hope it goes well. Here, girls like flowers, don't they?

I wish I could buy her some.

A bunch of nice ones might help swing the deal and set me

on the straight and narrow.

I shouldn't be doing this, OK?

Cheers, Doc.

Flowers, remember. Yeah.

Hiya.

Oh!

If you raise your voice at me, I'll call the police. Oh, come on.

Once a day is enough, surely.

I didn't say your name to the sergeant.

He mentioned your name and... Forget it.

What do you want?

Peace.

Look, I'm trying to turn things around here.

I've just been for a job interview

and I've got to go to the cop shop later for my reporting.

Reporting? Yeah, it's...

Look, just... Just know that I'm trying my best. OK?

OK.

OK.

Afternoon, Mrs Hollins.

I just dropped by to see how Valerie was faring today.

Oh, she isn't here. I've just sent her off to lunch.

Did she mention a destination?

Hm. She's not answering her mobile phone. Never mind.

I can try a few of her regular haunts.

Surprised you weren't there on Friday, Mrs Hollins.

It was a great night.

Oh, speak of the devil. Hello, ladies.

Oh, hello. I hope you're not down in the dumps from your defeat.

We survived. Close game though, eh?

How about a rematch, this Friday? Oh...

I don't think I could cope, losing again.

And I've got to see a friend in hospital. That's a shame. Right.

Well, we're just off for some lunch.

I would join you, but I'm off to look for her ladyship.

Ah!

RINGS DOORBELL

Ah-ha!

How's about that for masculine intuition, eh?

I guessed you might be here. Well, it was the third guess, actually.

You OK?

Not really.

Some days are bound to be easier than others.

That's very sweet of you, but it's a bit more than that.

My chemo hasn't worked.

When did you find this out?

Today.

It just needs to be confirmed.

Well, there's still some hope, then.

No, there isn't.

I'm so sorry.

But please don't give up.

My mate Ronnie lost two toes and still ran the London Marathon.

That isn't the same.

The principle's the same. You don't give up.

It won't be as bad as you think. I know it won't.

You'll beat this, Valerie Pitman.

You look like you're in a hurry. Yeah, unexpected visitor.

I've got to be at the police station for three. Oh.

Well, can I help you? What?

You were right. I should make an effort. More of an effort.

I'm going to the supermarket. I could drop you off on the way.

It's OK, thanks. You've only got ten minutes. Let me, please.

It would make me feel so much better about the whole business.

Peace offering.

OK, thank you. Aw!

Pop in.

Look forward to seeing you.

You!

You know nothing!

Oh, why don't you get yourself over there? Shall I call the police?

No, it's OK. OK.

This place stinks! Vernon... Vernon.

What happened to your head?

Nothing. What happened to your head? What do you care?

You're going to need to calm down, OK?

You ruined it!

Whoa. You ruined it!

I had hope before, thinking that one day I'd be back with my Gina.

But you!

No, I've had enough.

OK.

I was your little project for the day, wasn't I?

So you could put something back into the community.

Feel good, do you?

Police, please.

One bit of bad luck.

And this.

This can be you.

You're the worst kind!

The worst!

Why do I bother?

Why have we stopped? I thought we could wait here a while.

What are you doing?

Keeping you here until you miss your appointment.

Oh!

Oh, this is ridiculous!

What happens if you're not there on time? Move the car.

Fine, I'll get out the back way.

The joy of child locks!

Urgh! Let me out right now!

Or what? You'll thump me in the face? Don't push it, Cynthia!

Oh, these are your real colours. You can't control it now, can you?

Let me out! BEEPS HORN

You are completely mad.

Right, OK.

Can I speak to Sergeant Hollins, please? Help! Get me out!

Sarge, I have been kidnapped by that crazy bat!

Argh! She's got me trapped in her car.

Yeah, we're on Shawcross Close. Give me the keys. Get your hands off me!

Don't be so violent, you... Stop it! You can't keep me here much longer!

Please don't hit me!

Stop it!

I'll say I offered you a lift and you got violent.

Who are they going to believe, you or me, when you're a violent thug?

I never wanted to get old.

I'd see some of them come in with their arthritis and their

walking sticks and I'd think - I wouldn't want their problems.

Now I'm just jealous of them that they've reached that age.

Valerie... Do you know what I think about? I think about their lives.

All the things they've seen and done.

And now I know I'm never going to get the chance to look

back like that.

You don't know when you'll go. None of us do.

I know it's going to be sooner than I want it to be. Oh, come on.

Why... Why didn't I do more with my life?

And now it seems I'm running out of time.

Miss Lomax, have you any idea what you sound like

and what you look like? Have you looked in the mirror recently?

I am looking in the mirror

and there's a police car just pulled up, so we'll see.

Oh, right. Get off me! Get off me! Oh! Oh! Get off me!

Thank heavens you're here, Sergeant. Oh!

She hit me. That's lies! I haven't touched her. Both of you, calm down!

Thank heavens! I kept her here as long as I could.

Sarge, you've got to believe me, come on. Enough.

Miss Percifield? Why does she get to go first? Thank you.

I did as you said, I was being neighbourly, I was driving

her to the police station when she got violent, aggressive...

It's been awful! Do you know what? I wish I had have belted you!

Gina, sshh.

Thank you for saving me, sergeant. I'm not here to save you.

You see, Miss Lomax didn't hang up her phone properly,

so I heard everything.

What? You must have misheard. No, I didn't.

So I'm arresting you for false imprisonment,

for making malicious complaints and wasting police time. What?

You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you don't mention when questioned

something you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. Take her away.

I shall ring the Chief Constable! I shall be on the phone immediately!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never heard such a ridiculous story in my life!

Sack that man! You all right? Yeah, she didn't touch me.

And I'll sort it with the station about you reporting today.

Maybe you can do it tomorrow. Sure, thank you.

How did the interview at Rackley's go? Yeah, sorted. I got the job.

And they don't take any old rubbish, you know.

There's got to be something we can do. You can't just give up.

It's about waiting now.

Stop it. No, I really have to face this on my own.

Well, I'm not going anywhere. We're in this together.

You really are a very kind man, Barry Biglow.

And you don't know, there might be some big

adventure for you waiting just round the corner.

What? In Letherbridge?

Yeah...

Who knows what amazing thing could happen? Like what?

Amazing things never happen.

Ahem. Barry...

What are you doing?

Barry?

Valerie Pitman,

would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?

I do want to get married. To Valerie?

She is... Bonkers.

A very unique individual.

I warned you. It's the only way. You can't wimp out now.

She doesn't look like the Morrigan.

Valerie, this is huge. It's a big commitment.

You need to be sure.

Dad, can I just park the thing, OK?

Did you need planning permission for that cake?