Old Flames Doctors

-All down his legs, it was.

-Yeah.

Over the bench, over the floor.

Had to scrape up a pair of trackie bottoms

and herd him into the drunk cell.

Now he needs his inhaler.

Whoever's next in cell two's going to want to give up inhaling

altogether, the way it stinks.

Just make sure the report's on my desk, yeah?

-Evening.

-Got a customer waiting. Needs a hose down.

Enjoy your Friday-night rush.

'Get off!'

'Get... Get off me.'

Take it easy, mate.

I was just sleeping it off!

Only started her up for the heater!

Why don't we just calm it right down?

You tell them to calm it!

I ain't done nothing!

-Get off me!

-Oi, come on!

All right, guys.

Spread 'em.

Comfy now, yeah?

What's your name?

Joe. King. As in "you must be".

Joe Dandridge.

HGV driver, eh?

Right, I'll get customer number one sorted.

No hurry.

Agh!

Oh, night-night.

You got something good on?

No, no. Just a quiet night in.

Well, we've got prosecco, pizza, and then let the games begin!

-Ooh.

-What games?

Oh, just some board games, you know? "Bored" being the operative word.

Fantastic!

I haven't played any board games for ages.

Monopoly used to be my favourite.

Oh, we haven't got that one.

Oh, never mind.

I'm sure we'll find something.

To be honest, it's just great to have a night out

and celebrate the end of my chemo.

Of course.

Well, the more the merrier.

Great. Well, I'll see you later.

-Open her up.

-Oh, cheers, sir, we'll take him through.

Nah, you've got your hands full.

You're supposed to be finishing off that report.

Also, you need to get that breathalyser seen to. It's on the blink.

-One test says over, the next under.

-I told you I hadn't had many.

Well, you can't hold your beer, then, can you?

You better pencil in a blood test.

Cell two, yeah?

He's a bit hands-on.

Friday night. We can always do with an extra pair of hands.

There you go.

I'll take it from here, yeah?

-Stinks!

-Yeah, that mellow yellow aroma with a top note of...

What is that?

Cheap bleach, I think.

Last tenant wanted out, too, for some reason,

-so make yourself at home.

-Whatever.

I was going to sleep it off anyway.

Hello?

Oh, G...

Barry! What are you doing, creeping around in the dark?

I wasn't! I mean, it wasn't dark until it was.

Yes, well, that tends to happen when the sun goes down.

It's just...I was waiting outside for a while,

and I didn't want to miss my chance.

Your chance for what? Scare the living daylights out of me?

No, no, no. That's the last thing I... Erm...

I was, er...

just wondering if you, er...

might be wanting some dinner.

I mean out with me.

Tonight.

You know, just to talk or you talk

and me listen.

Oh.

Well, that's very last minute and I've got plans.

Yeah, course.

Someone like you, Friday night.

Well, it was just a thought.

And a lovely one.

Yes. Right, then.

Enjoy.

I'm stuffed!

That was spot-on, love.

Makes a nice change to spend the night in together, doesn't it?

Mm.

Although you do seem to be somewhere else tonight.

Is everything all right? What's up?

Yeah, it's fine. I just want to put the dishwasher on.

Leave the dishwasher.

Come with me and let's watch some rubbish TV.

You can tell me what you've been up to all week.

Oh, you know, the usual.

-How about you?

-The usual. What shall we watch?

Oh, erm...

Erm...

Wild Cops? "High-speed car chases in Luton."

No, Karen, choose something that you want to watch.

Well, that's always fun.

Really?

Old Flames.

"Couples track down their exes. Where will it all lead?"

Great. Old Flames it is, then.

I'm just going to put the kettle on.

HATCH CLANGS

Just do one, will you?

Got nothing better to do?

No.

No shocker you're on your tod on a Friday night.

You're the one out drinking alone.

Trucker, aren't I?

Don't know anyone.

You know me, now.

And I know you, don't I?

You're asking me out?

You're not my type.

No, you're not going anywhere for a while.

Probably kiss your trucking licence goodbye, too.

I keep telling you!

I've not done nothing!

We both know that's not true, don't we?

-Just about ready for him, now.

-Like I said, no hurry.

'Just leave us alone!'

-You heard him.

-Might as well get him done before the rush.

More of a uniform job, isn't it, ferrying people back and forth?

Yeah. They're busy, aren't they?

All hands to the pump.

-They usually manage.

-Yeah, like they managed to bungle it on the way in?

Either way, he's down for a blood test

and I need to check his nose, clean it up, make sure it's not broken.

-Anything else?

-Nope.

I'll run him right over for you to kiss it better.

It was just supposed to be a bit of a laugh, you know?

Bit of wine, nice buzz, just us.

I know.

Have to watch what games we play.

-Operation's out for a start.

-Yeah, so is Game Of Life.

I think I might give it a miss, get an early night.

No!

It'll still be a laugh. It is just us.

Just...plus one.

Well, look who's arrived with the pizzas!

Hi, girlfriends!

Oh, I didn't know about the pyjamas, but I have brought bubbly.

So, time to live it up!

I've got a spare onesie that my sister sent me,

if you want to borrow that.

Yeah, why not?

I'm game for anything!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! That'll be Barry.

You did say the more the merrier.

Yes. Yes, we did.

Right, I'll let him in.

What a mug!

Basket-weaving, my arm.

She's off for some how's your father with whatsisname.

Yeah!

Are you not enjoying this?

No, course I am.

I've not put any sugar in this.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you all out of bed.

Not that you were all in bed

together, or...

No, this is just what we do on Games Night.

Oh, I see.

Well, I'm afraid I don't own any pyjamas.

With the chafing and riding up,

you're better off without.

There's an image.

Might have another spare onesie somewhere.

Oh, you're all right, Barry, as you are. It's fine.

So, erm...

What kind of games do you play at these get-togethers, then?

Ha-ha. Do you know what? It's even got a bum-flap.

That's handy!

Behave.

I think I can take it from here.

Think so, yeah? If he gets lairy again...

He seems a lot calmer now.

Yeah, don't say I didn't warn you.

Naughty, naughty, don't do that.

Ooh, yes.

Hold that position for me.

If you could look up for me?

I can do it myself.

How's it feeling now?

Like some cop dragged me from my cab and smacked my face with the door.

Doesn't seem broken.

Any other injuries?

Oh, nah.

Apart from my arm he tied in a knot.

Still feels knackered.

You want me to take a look?

I want to be left alone for a kip.

Only take a moment.

I said no.

OK. Like I said, I'll have to take some blood, if that's OK?

Oh, I got a choice?

Had much to drink?

Any drugs in your system? The test's going to show most things up.

I'm not a druggie, all right?

First drink I've had in years.

And I didn't have many.

I was going to sleep it off till they come steaming in.

I'm on a layover.

Got another job in the city tomorrow

and I know the area.

But, being back here, I needed a drink.

I used to be a heavy drinker,

but I learnt my lesson way back

not to drag anyone else down with me.

I mean, why would I risk my licence?

Except they're going to have it off me anyway, aren't they?

If he's got anything to do with it.

We could start with a game of strip Scrabble?

SHE LAUGHS

Followed by a good old chess-mating session.

Stop it.

No-one's going to sink my battleship!

They're just teasing you, Barry.

Ah, well, that's a relief.

What about Othello?

What?

I think we should play Quiz Bang.

Ooh, that sounds hard.

No, it's half answering questions

and the other half being really silly.

So, you divide yourself into two teams

and one person from the team nominates another person

to either answer a question or do an impression

and the rest have to guess, and so on.

So, when you nominate it's like, "I Quiz Bang...you!"

OK.

-Home team versus away team?

-OK.

All done. No fuss.

Spectacular. Lucky you.

Look, I know he was a bit lairy before, but maybe...

Oh, here we go.

Maybe he wasn't really planning to drive.

Look, Mr Nanny State,

I would have thought, you know,

being a doctor, you'd be more worried about the damage

he could have done drunk behind the wheel of a 15-tonne truck, but no.

-I'm just saying maybe...

-Maybe leave the police work to the police.

-SHE HUMS A TUNE

-Britney Spears.

-This is fun, isn't it?

-Stevie Wonder?

-Yes. Fun.

Oh, the Gangsta's Paradise guys?

Oh, come on!

Oh, I've been looking forward to this.

Oh! Destiny's Child! Survivor!

-Yes!

-In your face!

Come on.

Ooh.

Another impression.

Showtime. Quiz Bang you!

All right. OK. Erm...

OK.

Er?

SHE HUMS A TUNE

It's my first one since chemo.

My last chemo!

Diana Ross?

-Bottoms up!

-Madonna! Like A Virgin?

Yes!

-Diana Ross?

-Did you hear yourself?

They make a good team, don't they?

Can't sleep, eh?

Something on your mind?

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Yeah.

Bit of a lightweight, really, aren't you?

Don't care who else you hurt, though, do you?

I wasn't going to drive.

Not just tonight.

Hellfire Bikers Club, isn't it?

Was another life.

So, what happened?

You kicked the whole open road, free spirit thing,

for the grandad version?

-Whatever.

-No, you don't! This is your wake-up call!

MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE: Theme From The Sweeney

Sorry, love.

I will take this. It's work.

Hello?

Rob, it's Jimmi. Sorry to bother you at home.

Hi, mate, what's up?

It's probably nothing.

I just wondered if you'd crossed paths with DI Larkin recently?

Not really. Why?

Well, we've got this suspected drink-driver

and there's been a bit of argy-bargy.

Larkin got involved.

Now we're striking sparks.

-Nothing new there, then?

-No.

I just wondered if there was anything else needling him.

He doesn't seem to want to let it go.

Sorry, mate, I haven't got a clue,

but you know what the suits are like.

They stick their noses where they like, and ours is not to reason why.

Have a chat with the Custody Sergeant if you're worried.

Yeah, of course. Sorry.

I just wanted to check I wasn't missing anything.

OK. Cheers.

Who was that? You missed the end.

I think there's a lot of things I'm missing.

So, where are you going now?

You going to get some more milk? Get some more biscuits?

Get some more sugar for your tea?

Unless, of course,

there's another reason why you want to go into the kitchen?

What's the matter with you?

I'm asking the questions.

So why have you been sloping off up there?

Are you asking me to account for my movements?

Yes, I am.

Will you stop treating me like a criminal?

Then stop acting like a criminal.

You've barely spent five minutes sat down next to me here.

You've just been on the phone. I've done nothing wrong.

You sure about that?

I've nothing to hide.

Then why have you changed your password on your tablet?

Have you been checking up on me?

I want the truth.

I just need to take another quick look at Mr Dandridge.

You'll need a telescope, then.

Bailed him, pending the results of his blood test.

-He's picking up his keys tomorrow.

-He's left the building?

Yep, just like Elvis.

Except Elvis didn't have DI Larkin chauffeuring him

back to a B&B to sleep it off.

-Where we going?

-Don't know yet, but we'll think of something.

-How about one for the road?

-Don't want a drink.

What sort of biker are you?

Thought you lot just wanted to torch the world and watch it burn?

-Told you. That was a lifetime ago.

-Yeah. You got that right.

You see, my mum watched her world burn.

Don't know how she felt.

They don't tell kids stuff like that.

Even if they did, I was only two.

I can imagine.

In fact, I've spent 30 years imagining,

thinking what I'd do if I ever ran into the bloke who torched the place.

Stevie?

-All right, Dad.

-Hey.

How's the arm? You said it was knackered.

Is it numb? Did you mean numb?

If it's that bad he can go to hospital. I'll take him myself.

Smile for me.

OK, just rest in there a moment, and you, you can phone an ambulance.

I don't think he's drunk. I think he might be having a stroke.

Watch your head.

Come on.

Two, three...

Er, Brain Box, General Knowledge. Who's answering?

Oh, I don't know. You choose.

Oh, no. Lady's choice, I think.

-Guys, the timer!

-Oh, Quiz Bang you!

What is the capital of Papua New Guinea?

Port Moresby.

Everyone knows that.

Brain Box.

What is the gestation period of a kangaroo?

That, I don't know.

Well, it depends what kangaroo and whether you mean inside the body or out.

I mean, your red kangaroo would be something like 33 days inside

and 190 in the pouch, so eight months total.

But even after that they go back in for extended periods.

Correct. Well, the card just says eight months, but...

Right. Ooh, come on, Brain Box, Brain Box.

-Oh.

-Show Time! Yes!

-Er, Quiz Bang you!

-Oh.

OK, busted.

It was just a bit of fun.

A girl's got to have some vice in life.

-Please.

-Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it.

-I just want to explain.

-Try and keep it calm.

-What, how you murdered my mum and put me in care?

-No. Yes. I was there.

-I know that.

-It was my fault.

-I know it was!

Easy.

Me and your mum had split.

She thought we were bad for each other

and you.

-Me and her drinking...

-No, no way. Don't you dare say...

We were talking about getting back together again.

We got hammered.

As usual.

Cath and her roll-ups.

She must have left one burning somewhere.

Maybe this could keep till later?

Where's the ambulance?

Time I woke up, everything's on fire.

I got you out.

The whole place had gone up.

Your mum.

How could I see you after that and explain?

You didn't, did you? You just do a runner.

Cos she was right.

Look at you.

You're better off without me.

SIRENS

Joe? Joe?

No! Don't you dare.

Joe.

-Eric Morecambe.

-Yes!

No way!

Show Time again. Ooh, Quiz Bang me!

Er? Paul Newman in Hud.

Yes!

That's just random.

-We win.

-No, you've got to be cheating!

We are not. We're just simpatico.

Yeah, under the table.

Well, we've been well and truly trounced.

Well, since it's show time again,

I have got something that I would like to show.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I just need some more of this.

-Ooh.

Hmm, hmm.

VELCRO RIPPING BARRY COUGHS

Oh, my.

When did you get that?

Last week.

It was the last thing on my bucket list.

Valerie, you do know that you're supposed to wait

a while after having chemo, don't you?

Yes, well, I'm already living dangerously, so...

Wait there. What the hell is it?

It's Wonder Woman, obviously.

Quite fitting, I thought.

She looks a bit upset, though.

She's got a face like a slapped bum!

So would you if you'd had Valerie sitting on it all day.

She's probably WONDERing how she got there!

THEY LAUGH

Well, I think it's very daring.

OK, erm...

I think it's time to tidy up.

Yeah.

And I thought tonight wouldn't be a laugh.

The scan ruled out a stroke,

so they're thinking it must have been a TIA,

which is like a mini-stroke.

But with the correct treatment he should pull through.

What were you going to do?

Not sure.

Maybe...

..something stupid. Chuck my whole career. I don't know.

See, the irony is, he might be what made me join the force in the first place.

Parents. Can't live with them...

Or trust them.

All those things he said about my mum.

In, er...

In my experience,

people who think that they might not have long

usually don't spend their last moments lying.

All the things I imagined doing and saying

if I ever saw him face-to-face,

and then he goes and puts himself in hospital before I could...

You could probably go in now if you want.

No. 30-odd years.

It's too late to kiss it better now.

So, you're gambling, really?

No, spread betting on the financial markets.

£300 stake.

Had a few losses earlier, but now I'm back on track.

What did you think I was doing?

I don't know.

But I think you're a mug!

300 quid is a lot of money for a flutter.

Well, I'm a mug with 350 quid now.

TV COMES ON

SHE SIGHS

Well, I must say,

you certainly seem to be throwing yourself into the spirit of things.

Well, you have to live for the moment, don't you?

When moments are all you have.

You haven't had...

..bad news?

No, no.

The chemo's all finished.

It's, erm...

It's now just a two-week wait, to find out if the tumour's shrunk.

And if it hasn't...

..I don't know.

I don't think I can face chemo again.

How about a rematch this Friday?

I don't think I could cope, losing again.

And I've got to see a friend. In hospital.

You're all heart, you are. I bet you're a doctor, eh?

Wow, it's like you're psychic or something.

Valerie, everything all right?

It's my chemo.

Yeah?

It hasn't worked.