The Last Days of Queen Victoria Doctors

Nigel?

Eileen?

Anybody?

SHE SIGHS

Honestly, they've done no preparation!

What are they going to do when I've gone?

CHEERING

Oh, for heaven's sake! Didn't I say, don't make a fuss?

I know, but no-one ever listens to you.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Victoria Crumb,

for ten years, you've ruled this cafeteria like a mighty monarch.

Queen Victoria!

APPLAUSE

Look, we've no time for this. We open in ten minutes.

But today, alas, you must abdicate.

I mean, retire.

Words cannot describe how much we'll miss you.

So we're going to do it through the medium of cake.

To Queen Victoria!

SHE LAUGHS

-Oh!

-For heaven's sake, will you watch what you're doing?!

Health and safety will have a fit! It's ridiculous! Argh!

PHONE RINGS

Mum? Hello?

Look, I don't want replacement doors,

I don't want replacement anything!

In here!

SHE GROANS

How bad is the pain, between one and ten?

I don't know. What is this, dislocated-knee bingo?

I'm ever so sorry, but we're not open yet.

I'm sorry, it's an emergency. This lady has a serious leg injury.

Oh! Um...Sid?

-Hello?

-Lady needs your help.

I think you need to go to A&E.

What, and wait six hours in a corridor? I don't think so!

OK, um...come on, come on in.

Ooh!

So, um...what happened?

She slipped and banged her knee on the chest freezer.

I'm sure I heard something crack.

OK. Um...can I have a bit of space, please?

Right, you two, skedaddle!

-Now, um...

-Victoria.

Victoria. Does it hurt when you put any weight on it?

Not really. It just feels very sticky.

OK. It's probably best if I cut through your trousers. Is that OK?

He doesn't bother with small talk, this one!

Nigel, will you just leave things to the grown-ups?

Yes, that's fine, Doc.

That should be fine.

Gently, gently.

Oh, dear, that's not a nice knee!

OK. Now, um...can you tell me if you feel any pain?

OK. Well, um...can you try and bend it for me?

Oh!

OK. Well, um...the patella's intact and there's nothing broken.

But you do have a really nasty cut.

Are you up to date with your tetanus?

Oh, yes. I'm a real stickler for that.

That's good. Well, I'll just wash the wound

and then, well, I don't think there'll be any long-term damage.

-So, you won't have to amputate the leg, then?

-Nigel!

I'm trying to take your mind off the pain.

Well, you're about as funny as an ingrowing toenail.

You should be OK, but you will have to take it easy for a few days.

Might be worth walking with a stick.

I know, I'll go and get that sceptre!

I knew that would come in handy.

Back in two ticks.

Hm.

Oi, you two! I don't pay you to sit on your backsides! Move it!

Do you want me to give you a shout when she's ready?

Right, Al Haskey, I'll show you practice account!

So, um...how are you feeling now?

I just feel like I've banged my knee on a chest freezer.

Sometimes, a bit of pain lets you know you're alive.

That's the spirit. Hm!

Excuse me, er...Sid?

Yeah.

Did you used to go to Denham Secondary School?

-Yeah, I did, actually.

-I knew it was you!

Sorry, do I know you?

I'm Victoria Crumb.

I used to be your dinner lady!

Oh!

Eileen? I'm going to have to lean on you to make some bacon butties.

No, Victoria can't. She's out of action. Keep up!

Oi!

Now, that was some impressive footwork,

but I'm less impressed you're dribbling on the edge of a thoroughfare.

I've seen cars come down here at death-defying speeds.

Find yourself somewhere else to practise,

or you'll be playing keepy-uppy with the Grim Reaper.

Go on, get to school.

Well, well, Barry Biglow. I haven't seen you for a while.

Well, I've been on attachment at the new campus.

Trying to get their security regime into some sort of shape.

-You back here now?

-Not till Monday. I've just come to touch base.

Er...why are you here?

I do hope it hasn't gone to pot in my absence.

It's not total anarchy, Barry.

Bit of vandalism, but nothing life-threatening.

Actually, I'd quite like to pick your brains for five minutes, if you can spare it.

-Er...

-Coffee, croissant, catch-up? My shout.

Why not? I'll just, er... Yeah.

I still can't believe you remembered me after so long.

Well, you always were a bit special.

And, of course, there was that time when you were very ill.

Yeah. Meningitis.

We had a special assembly.

The whole school was wishing, praying for some kind of miracle.

-I never knew that.

-Well, we did.

And then you became a doctor.

So it just goes to show that sometimes, our prayers are answered.

So, what have you been up to since leaving Denham?

Oh, not a lot. I couldn't stand sitting around all day,

so I got this job at the university.

But now it's getting a bit much, so I've handed in my notice.

Are you looking forward to putting your feet up?

-I'm dreading it.

-Really?

Oh, yes. When they jumped out at me with party poppers,

I wish they'd shot me through the heart instead.

Why's that?

Well, I've never had much of a life outside of work, really.

I've never had a family.

When I'm here, it doesn't matter because there's always something going on.

But how am I going to cope tomorrow, when the alarm doesn't go off

and there's nothing to get up for?

Well, I imagine retirement can be a bit daunting, but...

Just try and set yourself some goals.

I mean, ask yourself, what do you really want from life?

Oh, I know what I want.

-Yeah?

-I want Nigel.

-There you go.

-Thanks very much.

-So...

-Thank you.

..any more incidents of drug dealing?

Er...it's not been that bad.

D'you know what, Barry, I think you dealt with the worst of it last year.

Fair enough.

I always get butterflies when I've been away from my post.

It's just the burden of responsibility.

Oh, tell me about it.

So, er...how's things with you and Karen?

Yeah, fine, really. She's got a new boss.

Yeah, of course.

Captain Bellamy, God rest his soul.

He left some impressive shoes to fill.

How, er...how is the new chap?

Yeah, he seems like a decent bloke.

He's been very kind to Valerie, according to Karen.

Valerie? I was thinking about her this morning.

Well, I was filling in some holiday dates on the Mill calendar

and there she was, Marilyn Monroe,

bringing some unexpected April sunshine.

Yeah. I mean, obviously, she's having a tough time at the moment,

but you know Valerie, she's a fighter.

Tough time? Er...how d'you mean?

You don't know, do you?

Don't know what?

Oh, Barry!

Valerie's got cancer.

So, yes, I know we argue all the time, but there's a spark.

And he's single, too. A widower.

So there's no reason why we shouldn't...

And have you told him how you feel?

How could I? He's a colleague.

And if he doesn't feel the same way, I'd be mortified!

But you're about to leave.

Surely you can just say, I don't know,

"It's been fun. D'you fancy keeping in touch?"

Oh, I don't know.

I'm 64 years old. It's a bit late in the day to start romancing.

Surely not.

Look, I'm no expert, but

I think the important thing is to not appear too desperate,

or needy, or clingy, or...

Just ask him out. I mean, if he says no, then, yeah, that's sad,

but you're no worse off than you are now.

And maybe he feels the same way and he's just too shy to ask.

OK. I'll go for it.

-I mean, how much longer can I wait?

-Exactly.

Oh, Sid, you've been wonderful.

It wasn't a slippy floor that brought us together, it was fate!

So as far as I know, she's having chemo.

Karen's covered for her a few times.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

I don't know. You have been away for a while.

I'm her friend and it sounds like she could do with a friend!

Hm.

BARRY SIGHS

Do you think you should be doing that?

We don't want any more knee-related mishaps.

Oh, I'm fine. As long as I've got something firm to hang on to.

If you need something soft to fall on, you've always got me.

THEY CHUCKLE

Er...Nigel?

Yes?

As you know, I'm leaving this afternoon.

I wondered what the banner and balloons were for(!)

Please, will you let me get a word in edgeways?

Sorry...Queen Victoria.

-Not amused.

-I'm leaving.

And I've been here a long time.

And I-I just wondered if...

SMASH!

HE SIGHS

That'll be Eric.

Honestly, if we had to take the price of crockery out of his wages, he'd pay us.

Eric?

Hm.

-SHE SIGHS

-Well hidden, Mum.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Emma!

-Hi.

I've left you some messages, but you haven't got back to me.

I just wondered if everything was all right?

Not really.

Mum's run off with her drug-dealer boyfriend.

Left a nice little pile of debt and we're about to be evicted.

When?

Next week, unless I chain myself to a radiator.

I was going to ask if you wanted to go for lunch, but I don't suppose...

No, there's too much stuff to sort out.

I need to see if there's anything we want to keep.

-Well, what can I do to help?

-No, you're all right.

Come on, don't be silly. What can I do?

Victoria?

Your Majesty?

Hello?

Oh, come on, Vic, there's no need for that.

I wanted to make sure everything was spick and span before I go.

It really doesn't matter.

We're going to miss you.

And, er...I imagine you'll miss us a bit.

Oh, no! I'm not desperate.

I've got loads of things lined up.

Travel, hobbies. Why would I miss this place?

Good for you.

Here's to your adventures.

Oh, for flip's sake, Eileen!

Gloves on when you're handling food,

gloves off if you're handling money!

It's not hard, is it?

Or have you got lard for brains?

Were you going to tell me something?

No. It was nothing.

Oh. Right.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Barry!

Why didn't you tell me you were ill?

Nice to see you, too(!)

How long have you known?

Not that it's any of your business, but, um...three months, actually.

Three months? You've been ill for all that time and I've done nothing?

I went to see a Civil War re-enactment in West Bromwich.

I made a bird feeder out of a milk crate.

I did all these useless things when I could have been helping you!

Well, I'm sorry I didn't see fit to tell you.

Maybe I should've gone around with a bell. "Unclean! Unclean!"

Or perhaps I should have gone through the phonebook,

from Aardman to Zebedee.

D'you know what, I was actually quite busy dealing with my cancer.

And what could you actually do?

I could have done something.

I'd have loved to come to chemo with you.

Barry, chemo is a painful medical procedure.

It's not Letherbridge World of Adventures!

-You're not being fair.

-No, you're not being fair!

I'm sick of people gawping at me.

"Will she pass out? Will she spit blood?"

Why should I tell everybody?

There is absolutely nothing you can do!

-Well, I could've sent a card.

-Fine, Barry, send me a card.

I'll probably still be alive tomorrow.

If I could have a word with Sid, I'd be ever so grateful.

-He'll be free in a minute.

-Oh, good.

I used to be his dinner lady.

You didn't?!

Oh, yes. Denham Secondary School, 1998 to 2005.

Ah! What was he like back then?

He was very good.

Always left a clean plate.

Well, he must be missing your food because he's skin and bone now.

We used to give the boys nicknames based on what they like to eat

and Sid was always Sausage because he had sausage with everything.

I can't believe Sausage has become a doctor.

I know. I have to pinch myself sometimes.

Right. Thank you.

Oh, hello.

Got a patient for you...Dr Sausage.

Right, then, um...yeah, come on in.

Hello, Karen. Can I, er...can I talk to you, please?

-I've got something for you.

-Oh?

It's a...it's a piece of my leaving cake.

-Oh, you shouldn't have!

-Victoria sponge.

I'm glad you did, though.

Ooh! Did you speak to Nigel?

I didn't. And I don't think I'll ever speak to him again.

Why? What happened?

I've just seen Nigel bullying a junior member of staff.

He tore into her, nearly made her cry!

I know he can be a bit grumpy sometimes, but this was unpleasant.

So maybe he's not the man I thought he was.

And I'm probably better off without him.

Look, sometimes, when a boss picks on an employee,

they're just bringing problems from home into work.

If they could sit down with someone, address those problems...

Well, he can sit down with someone else, can't he?

Not having any experience of love and romance,

I just don't know how to spot a bad 'un.

But I've learnt now and I'm happy we're going our separate ways.

Well...not exactly happy, but it's probably for the best.

Honestly, Karen, she bit me head off.

It's as if the cancer has turned her into a different person!

Well, in some ways, it has.

What d'you mean?

Um...well, I'm sure she's the same happy-go-lucky person on the inside,

but it's hard for her to stay cheerful.

We've been trying to cheer her up, organising treats and such.

And last week, our new boss got Ricky Delaine to come and visit.

-THE Ricky Delaine?

-THE Ricky Delaine.

What was the point of that? Ricky Delaine's not a cancer specialist.

What's he going to do with a malignant melanoma, sing to it?

Actually, all he did was spend time with her.

He listened and it really cheered her up.

Which was great for us because to be honest,

we're all suffering from a bit of compassion fatigue.

I'm not surprised, if she treats everyone the way she treated me.

And it's good you've turned up

because, I mean, you may not be able to sing a medley of show tunes,

but what she needs now is a friend.

And you're a good person with a good heart

and a good listener.

So, yes, I'm sure I'll find something to do.

Don't know what.

Sticking seashells on jam jars.

What's the crown all about?

Nigel gave it to me.

It was always my nickname, Queen Victoria.

Well, she's our second-longest-reigning monarch, so you should be flattered.

I suppose.

-Oh, um...there was one other thing I wanted to ask you about.

-Yes?

Well, you said you never had any children of your own,

yet you worked with them as a dinner lady for 30 years.

Oh, I loved it!

I suppose it was the biggest disappointment of my life

that I never had a family.

But in a funny way, I feel as if all the children in the world are my children.

Well, you could always do some voluntary work with kids.

Or perhaps become a lollipop lady.

Perhaps. I'll think of something.

Just put one foot in front of the other, really, and keep smiling.

Stop! TYRES SCREECH

Thank you.

-Tea?

-Oh, thanks.

I've rescued some of your mum's clothes.

They can stay in my attic in case she shows up suddenly.

What would I do without you?

You'd be doing exactly the same,

-except it's probably less depressing with two people.

-Hm.

Oh, and I found that under the bed.

I didn't open it, you know, in case it contained, um...

-Body parts?

-No!

-A bomb?

In case it had personal stuff in it.

Hm. Let's have a look.

It's my nursing certificate.

And my GCSE results.

I'm so sorry!

I-I wasn't paying attention.

When - just now, or the past 55 years?

-What do you mean?

-You're always on that blessed phone!

How many plates have been smashed, tomatoes squashed

because you're staring at the screen instead of where you should be looking?

-Hold on!

-You're dozy, grumpy and all the Seven Dwarfs put together!

-You can't talk to me like that!

-I can!

You're not the boss of me, thank goodness!

-Victoria?

-I don't know how I put up with you all these years!

-Victoria?

-Yes?!

-Will you...shut up a minute?

-What?!

I know it was wrong, but I was trying to get a hold of you.

You sneaked away without saying goodbye and everyone was worried.

I ran as fast as my knackered old knees would carry me.

I was appalled at the way you spoke to Eileen.

I thought I knew you,

but underneath that wipe-clean tabard,

there beats the heart of a tyrant!

You're right.

I was awful. I know.

And I've apologised.

I've been shouting at people all week, but now I know why.

It's because I was about to lose someone very special.

I thought she'd thrown all this stuff away.

But it's all here.

-Hm!

-Aw!

Look at you! Hm!

I made this when I was eight.

Well, she must still care about you.

I don't think so.

If you'd seen that note she left...

She pretty much accused me of being Satan.

I still feel bad about kicking her out of the house.

You had to, while you still had a house left.

We all tried to help her.

We gave her a million and one last chances,

but she was always going to go her own way.

I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to see her again.

I'm going on a date with Nigel!

Sorry. Is this the same Nigel you were never going to talk to again?

Well, it is. Well, it was.

But we've sorted things and now we're going to the pictures.

-Ooh! What are you going to see?

-Some new version of Pride And Prejudice.

-Sounds very romantic.

-So, why the change?

Well, it was seeing you, Sid.

I mean, you had that awful illness all those years ago

and we all thought, "He might not make it."

But you pulled through and made something of yourself.

And now...it's my turn!

That's wonderful.

Hello, there. Are you ready?

I am.

Finally. THEY CHUCKLE

Look at you! Medical miracle worker, relationship counsellor.

But in her eyes, you'll always be...Dr Sausage.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Valerie...

..I've been an idiot.

Well, I'm not going to argue with you.

I seem to attract idiots at the moment.

It was a shock to find out about your diagnosis.

But, of course, it was an even bigger...bigger shock for you

and...I had no right...

..to dump my anger on you.

I'm used to people dumping things on me.

I'm very much an emotional landfill site at the moment.

And I may not be an amazing medical marvel, like Dr Carter,

or an award-winning star of the stage, like Ricky Delaine.

But I'm a good friend.

And I'll be here if...ever you need me.

That's very kind of you.

Of course, I don't want to overstep the line.

I...I know you've got Ashley.

No, Barry, not any more.

-What?

-I haven't got Ashley any more.

We actually broke up some time ago,

so I am very much dealing with this on my own.

Does he...know about your, er...your condition?

He does.

You should have seen his face when I told him.

And then he just ran for the hills.

And I haven't had so much as a "get well soon" card.

Oh, that's shocking! How could he do that?!

Oh, no, I don't mind.

Things had just run their course

and I certainly wouldn't want him to stay with me just because I'm ill.

So, yes, I suddenly find myself young, free and single. Hm!

Well, free and single.

MUSIC PLAYS

# Enjoy yourself

# It's later than you think

# Enjoy yourself

# While you're still in the pink

# The years go by... #

AYESHA LAUGHS

# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

# It's later than you think... #

THEY LAUGH

# It's good to be wise when you're young

# Because you can only be young but the once

# Enjoy yourself and have lots of fun

# So go out and live life longer than you've ever done

# Enjoy yourself

# It's later than you think

# Enjoy yourself

# While you're still in the pink

# The years go by

# As quickly as you wink... #

I'm not going to pretend there's a good side to this, but, er...

..at least you get to find out who your friends are.

I do.

And I'm here for you.

And I'll be here for as long as you need me.

Thank you, Barry.

I'm very glad you're back.

Why don't we just calm it right down?

You tell them to calm it!

I ain't done nothing! Get off!

-Oi, come on! Come with me!

-Argh!

-Oh, look who's arrived with the pizzas!

-Hiya, girlfriends!

Oh! I didn't know about the pyjamas, but I have brought bubbly.

So time to live it up!

-What's the matter with you?

-I'm asking the questions.

So, why have you been sloping off up there?