Mother's Ruin Doctors

Get away from me! Go on, get out of this house!

Out! And don't come back!

I'm so sorry!

And don't you dare send anyone else around here, do you hear me?!

-Interfering with me!

-Mother, there was no need for that...

-Don't you "mother" me.

-..whatsoever!

-Mum?

-I don't want strangers mauling me about!

She was only trying to wash you.

I don't need washing, thank you very much!

That's what they get paid for.

-They can keep their filthy hands to themselves!

-But you can't manage!

Well, I've got YOU for that, haven't I?

Mum, I can't do everything!

-There's no point you being here, then!

-I'm sorry?

Letting every Tom, Dick and Harry paw your own mother about!

Lazy and selfish, that's what you are!

I might as well die now and be done with it, save you all the trouble!

-I'm quite looking forward to this.

-Mm. All right for some.

I'm developing quite a palate.

ZARA LAUGHS Well, don't develop it too much.

There's a real art in gin-tasting, OK?

Isn't there a name for that type of artist?

All the different notes, different blends.

I dread to think. It's going to become all Hogarthian.

It's going to be civilised, trust me.

For the first half-hour.

Oh, come on. You like Anthony, don't you?

Of course. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time.

We will, thank you.

While I'm watching Danger Mouse with Joe, again!

DANIEL CHUCKLES

I don't know why you have to use so much of that stuff.

Elbow grease, that's what you need.

Not half a bottle of liquid!

Mum, what is it you want?

What do you think? Look at the time.

I can't be sitting here all night!

Your glass of wine?

Well, it's not too much to ask, is it?

The last little pleasure I've got in life!

That was half full last night.

No, it wasn't!

Mum, I might be stupid, according to you, but I'm not blind.

-Oh! Right!

-Oh, what now?

-I will not stand here being accused!

-Where are you going?

To the shops! You know I can't sleep without it!

-You're not even supposed to be drinking!

-Not that you care!

Mum, will you just stop, please?

Life's not worth living, stuck in here, being bossed about

-by my own child!

-Just shut up!

Oh!

-Helen!

-No. That's it, I'm finished!

No, wait a minute!

-Floral botanicals.

-Sorry?

-It's the flavourings used during the distilling process.

-A-ha.

There's juniper berries, of course. Er...citrus, pine

and then more subtle notes of rosemary, thyme, pepper, lemongrass.

-I'll let you know.

-It's made quite a revival over recent years.

-Sure has.

-They call it the new whisky.

It's a shame you can't join us.

Yes, Ruhma's booked tickets for some comedian.

-Who's that?

-Guzzy, um...Brown, or someone.

Oh. I'm sure you'll have a good time.

-Can't beat a good laugh.

-Cheers.

Sorry. I'm not late, am I?

That's nice.

That? Oh, I just wear it for work.

Have you seen this?

Well, yours isn't too shabby.

Well, I saw it and thought, why not?

Well, exactly, why not?

I just use my phone.

Sid, it's not just for telling the time, it's a statement.

What of?

I worry about him.

Watch and learn.

SID LAUGHS WATCH and learn. D'you get it?

Hm.

Wait!

Stop!

Oh, thanks a lot.

PHONE RINGS

-Hi, Emma.

-Hi. Niamh, look, I'm really sorry.

Oh, it's OK, I just got here myself.

I'm afraid I'm going to be a bit late.

-Oh?

-They need me to cover here for another couple of hours.

-Well, how long?

-Um...well, I don't know.

-I suppose I could be there about 8:00.

-I'm sat here now.

Well, would you rather that we just left it?

-Emma!

-Look, I'm really sorry.

You don't understand, I've left my mother at home.

-Come on.

-She's very ill!

-Is that right?

-Yes, it is!

Then why were you out stealing four boxes of tablets, then?

It's nothing.

How did it happen, Helen?

It doesn't matter. I just need to get home.

Is Carol not very well?

Well, you know she isn't.

What happened with the tablets?

I don't know what I'm doing half the time.

What do you mean?

I'm so tired.

I'm just up half the night, fetching and carrying.

Is that why you forgot to pay for them?

I suppose so.

Can't we just tell him I made a mistake?

-I'm sorry, that's not up to me.

-Look, there's no need for this.

I've just been stupid, that's all.

-What were they for?

-Headaches. I get them all the time.

Really?

Is it any wonder, waiting on her hand and foot?

Not that I get any thanks for it.

I'm just surprised that you didn't come to see me.

Well, chance would be a fine thing, to go anywhere!

-Carol has carers, doesn't she?

-And they never last a week.

-Can you blame them?

-Why not?

Well, you know what she's like. No-one can stand her!

I'm not sure even I can any more.

Now, that is an Old Tom.

Yeah. Sweeter than the London.

Softer, I'd say. Not quite so, um...

-Quite so dry.

-Mm. Definitely.

-See, for me, it's all about the corporates.

-Yeah.

You build up a loyalty, get them through the door.

We are still talking about the practice, right?

Go after the big local firms, lots of employees.

Or we could take it to them. Clinics, vaccinations.

We're stretched enough as it is, though.

And that's the point! Expansion.

The more patients you have, the more clinical staff, the more returns.

Simple as. I should run that by Jimmi.

Good luck with that.

He doesn't like change?

Er...well, you know, OCD issues.

-How does he manage that?

-He's a lot better than he used to be.

Right, erm...Jenever, anyone?

Mm! The original Dutch courage.

-You should save that for last, then.

-Eh?

Before you go home...to Zara.

What's that supposed to mean?

I was only joking.

-His face.

-THEY LAUGH

If you can sign there, please?

It's to say that you've admitted the offence of shoplifting

and accepted a police caution,

which will be kept on our records. Thank you, Ms Warnock.

-Helen, are you all right?

-What do you think?

-What do you reckon?

-I think she's at the end of her tether.

-Are you sure we're in the right place?

-Just relax.

We haven't wandered into a student common room by mistake?

-Heston!

-Who are we seeing again?

I told you, he's called Guzzy Bear.

-Guzzy Bear.

-I thought exactly the same when Shak first mentioned him.

And how old was Shak at the time?

He's good. Just relax.

Yes, but will I like him?

Oh, you are such a stick-in-the-mud, aren't you?

Well, I feel out of place by about 30 years.

OK, do you want a drink, something to just relax you?

Oh, a gin and tonic wouldn't go amiss.

Come on, we'd better hurry up.

Maybe it's my stance.

I bet it's your grip. Too tight.

-You think?

-Yeah. Tensing up, trying too hard.

Oh. OK.

-You wouldn't have to with her.

-Ahhhh!

Focus, gentlemen. Now, this bad boy is Navy strength.

-Are we sure?

-Yep.

Poor old Heston. He'd have loved this, eh?

-Why didn't he come?

-Under the thumb, mate, already.

Ruhma's all right, though, isn't she?

-Best thing that could've happened.

-How come?

Well, he's been through it, one way or another.

In what way?

Where do you want to start? Heart problems, depression.

He almost quit.

Yeah. Poor guy.

Perhaps I could help him out with that.

Ease the old workload a bit.

Ah, that's a nice thought.

I do love that about the Mill, you know,

how everyone looks out for each other, pulls together.

I'll drink to that.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

It's never easy starting out, is it?

-Oof!

-Zara's all right with this, then, you out with the chaps?

Never a problem. You?

I just tell her it's team building, mate. Free pass.

-THEY LAUGH

-Classic!

You two are something else.

It's about laying down the ground rules right off the bat. Am I right?

Tell Biglow that.

Oh, dear!

There was once this study involving Barbary macaques, all right?

-What?

-Apes, or monkeys.

Anyway, they proved that the males showed reduced stress levels

when they're away from the females and the young.

-Well, especially the young.

-DANIEL LAUGHS

It's called the social-buffering hypothesis.

-Seriously?

-Yeah!

They're actually at their happiest when they're out with the lads.

Here's to the monkeys.

To the monkeys!

TV IS ON

Can I have a... Hm!

Hm! Sorry.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

You don't sound it. Can we get a glass of water, please?

-HE COUGHS

-Are you choking?

No, I'm fine.

All right, hold still. Hold still.

HE COUGHS

OK. Don't panic.

HE COUGHS

That get it?

Ah! Yeah, I'm fine!

A-hem! It's a peanut.

Are you allergic?

No, no, it just... Thank you.

Ah! It just went down the wrong way.

-Oh!

-Ah!

Don't you just hate it when that happens?

HE COUGHS

Ah!

TV IS ON

Mum?

Come on. Bedtime.

Where's my drink?

Here it is.

Night, Mum.

Sorry about that.

Are you all right now?

A little bit embarrassing.

It was a bit. Sorry about the...

No, no. Thanks for your help.

-Can I get you a drink?

-What?

It's the least I can do for saving my life.

Yeah, right(!)

-Or are you waiting for someone?

-No. No.

So, what can I get you?

I'm...I'm fine, actually.

OK.

No, what I mean is I have a whole bottle of wine...

Nearly a whole... I have half a bottle of wine.

So...

And this happened yesterday?

Well, did you send anybody in their place?

No, I, er...I know the mother can be difficult.

Right, well, I'll, um...speak to the daughter, OK?

Late-night pharmacy on Trewberry Road.

A woman's just been seen legging it with loads of painkillers.

-Not Helen Warnock?

-Fits the description.

-Oh!

-Look, we're just along here.

-Eh?

-What's wrong now?

-We're right on the stage.

You get what you pay for.

I have a feeling I'm going to be paying for it.

You need to just loosen up a little.

And chill out.

Well, it wouldn't hurt.

I don't feel very chilled at the moment.

That's good because you don't look it. You look hot and flustered.

I feel about 500 years old.

There's loads of people our age here.

Yeah, they were dropping their kids off.

-Leave it alone!

-I look ridiculous!

-Leave it!

Give it up for Guzzy Bear!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, the Letherbridge crew, wa gwan with you?

-Everybody feeling all right?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Can you have a little brap for me, please?

-AUDIENCE: Brap!

-Yes, you...

(Guys, just keep your voice down,

(there's an elderly man on the front row.)

Hello, sir, how are you? Are you OK, yeah?

You know where you are?

Stand-up comedian in a comedy club. No need to be alarmed.

-LAUGHTER

-OK.

Let me translate for your purposes what I said when I came out.

I said, Letherbridge Crew, wa gwan with you?

And I think you'd probably say that, like, er...

Good evening, and how the devil are you, buddy?

-Ah.

-Is that OK, yeah?

-LAUGHTER

You see what I'm saying, yeah? OK.

Security, just keep an eye on Doctor Who, in case my man keels over.

I'm only mucking about!

So, listen, Letherbridge Crew, are you all right, yeah?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-Everybody enjoying themselves?

I'm very new to this whole stand-up comedy thing, to be honest.

But I'm not that nervous.

Standing here in front of you is very similar to my old job.

I was a secondary school teacher.

So standing here in front of you lot

is like standing in front of my Year 9 class.

Except for the fact that there's way more virgins in here.

LAUGHTER

Don't laugh, just process what I said for a minute, OK?

The perversion levels are unreal.

Anybody got teenage kids in here?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-So you know what I'm saying.

After a heavy night of internet surfing,

there is no software that's going to sort out those viruses.

You have to go, get a physical vaccine

and inject it into that laptop.

It is scary! It's horrible, man!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

KNOCK AT DOOR

ROB: Mrs Warnock?

BANGING

Can you come to the door, please? It's the police!

KNOCK AT DOOR Ms Warnock?

BANGING Mrs Warnock?

Despite the way I look and the things that come out of my mouth,

I do take this teaching thing quite seriously. Here's an example.

I had the kids lined up outside the room, it was end-of-unit assessment.

So I said to them, "Listen, you need to take this seriously

"because this is all about your futures.

"Without education, you're going to find yourself in a tough place.

"You want to be like me."

And at this point, Tyrese pops out from the back of the queue and says,

"You're Kanye, man, Kanye.

"Can I call you that, by the way?" I said, "No, you can't."

"Anyway, Kanye, yeah, this is what I'm saying to you, yeah?

"Why are you always stressing about education?

"I don't even know how to spell education, bruv. Listen to me now.

"I've got a paper round and sell weed.

"I already make more money than you."

LAUGHTER

Now, listen, at this point, I would have ordinarily got angry,

but you can't get vexed at a kid for telling the truth, can you, really?

You know what I'm saying? You can't get angry at a kid.

Oi! Yo, Doc! I forgot you were in, man!

It's good that you're still here. I like this vibe you got going on.

And are you here with this lovely lady?

-Er...yes.

-Wa gwan, my sister?

Yeah, good to see you.

And, Doc, are you her chaperone tonight?

-LAUGHTER

-Er...no. She's my partner.

No way! Go on, then, my...!

-LAUGHTER

-OK, we'll work on that one, yeah?

-Go on, then, that's nice.

-LAUGHTER

UKIP are going to be enthused about this relationship.

Just be careful, you two, innit? Flipping heck!

So, Doc, what do you actually do for a living?

Um...well, actually, yes, I am a GP.

No way!

Home visits must be a breeze in that TARDIS, yo!

Ah, they are. And let's hope I don't exterminate you

-tonight with my heckling.

-Oh, my days!

-APPLAUSE

-Doc has got jokes!

-Give him a round of applause!

-APPLAUSE

No, honestly, I came straight home.

Then how do you explain that a woman matching your description

was seen leaving the Trewberry Road pharmacy an hour ago...

-Are you OK, Helen?

-I'm fine.

-..with six boxes of painkillers?

-I've no idea.

-Helen?

-How are the headaches?

Well, it's just one big headache, really, isn't it?

-And now I'm a criminal, as well.

-Where are the pills?

-I used to have a career, you know.

-Well?

-Friends, who've all run a mile...

-I'm warning you.

-Thanks to her.

-I'll arrest you.

-My own dear mother.

-I will search...

-More you do for her, the nastier she gets.

-And I'll search the house.

You see that? It's her you should be arresting.

For assault.

Where is she now?

Asleep, thank goodness.

FOOTSTEPS

Carol?

SHE MOANS

15 quid a pint, it was!

What?!

38, one glass of champagne, Venice.

Wow! Two brandies, Cognac, vintage, whatever,

-in a chateau...

-Yeah, yeah. How much?

-112!

-No way!

-And Zara almost spilled hers!

-THEY LAUGH

At the end of the night, we couldn't find the room,

-so we slept on a couch in a hallway.

-THEY LAUGH

-I slept in a tree once.

-Did you?

-Like the monkeys!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, d...! What are you doing?

-No!

-It's on me.

-No, no, no, no, no. No way. Um...

-Don't even think about it.

-It's done!

-Well... OK, at least take that.

-Oh, thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Thank you.

-Actually, I woke up on a train once in Rhyl.

-Ouch!

-All my mates got off at Chester.

-Did they?

Now, you see, that is where I draw the line.

-What, in Rhyl?

-THEY LAUGH

Rule number one - never leave a man behind.

Never.

Really?

Here's to the monkeys!

To the monkeys!

-To the monkeys!

-THEY LAUGH

What happened to them, anyway?

How much have you had to drink, Helen?

I don't touch it. I never have.

Not like SHE does, knocking it back every night.

Especially after Dad left.

He couldn't put up with her, of course, in the end.

-Helen?

-And my two sisters. Off like a shot, they were.

-Has she hit you like this before?

-Ha! That's a new one.

-The last straw.

-Helen, what have you done with the pills?

It serves her right. She can fend for herself from now on.

See how she likes that.

Helen? You need to tell us, Helen!

She's taken them.

7244 to Control...

Helen? Come on, you need to stay awake.

See how she likes it.

Helen? Come on!

I'm so tired.

I know, but you need to stay with me. Stay with me, Helen!

Come on, Helen, stay awake!

Listen, man, it's been stressing me out recently, right?

And that is that Muslims, we need to get a new PR dude, man,

because our representation in the media is wrong!

Are there any Muslims in the audience, by the way?

Yeah, course there is. Excellent!

I'm not the only one getting arrested.

Makes me feel confident that someone will keep me company

in the police car. So, this is what I'm saying,

it's all about the representation that we get in the media, OK?

You can picture it, whenever you flick on the news,

they always have some expert on Islamic extremism.

Let's just play the scenario through.

So we go live to this news studio

and we have an expert in Islamic extremism.

"Michael, can you give us an insight into why Islam is so dangerous?"

Michael gets on the mic.

"Listen, guys, this is the situation we have.

"Islam is a very old and outdated theology

"in which people are forced to follow it.

"And it really needs a reform."

You go back to the studio, you go back to the main guy and he says,

"Listen, we now have a representative

"from the Muslim community

"and his name is Mobeen from Small Heath

"and has a BTEC in GCSE PE."

LAUGHTER

"Mobeen, can you defend a Muslim, please?"

"Listen, yeah, bro, I don't know

"who this geezer on the microphone is, yeah,

"but he is a waste, man!

"I don't know what he's chatting on about, bro.

"I been here for bare long, innit?

"I integrated, but I got friends and that.

"Nigel down at the pub, bro, I don't go to the pub, but Nigel..."

-LAUGHTER

-So it's just a relaxed thing, man.

And listen, we need to sort out this international conflict, bro,

because man don't want to go in Jihad, man.

I'm scared when it's Bonfire Night, let alone going on Jihad!

I get scared of them big whizzers,

let alone going out to Iraq, or wherever it is!

-LAUGHTER

-What you saying to me, bro?

Helen, stay with me.

-What's wrong with her?!

-We think she may have taken an overdose.

-What of?!

-Painkillers, by the look of it.

Pain? What does she know about pain?!

What do you think you're playing at, you stupid girl?!

Now, pull yourself together! Are you listening to me?!

All right, that's enough!

-Sympathy, that's all she's after.

-I don't think this is helping.

Just like her father, selfish to the core!

-Always has been, always will be!

-Can you get her out of here?!

-I will.

-She should be ashamed of herself!

She's got her whole life ahead of her, unlike some!

-Yeah, come on, this way.

-I never thought I'd see the day.

-My own flesh and blood!

-Helen?

I've got cancer, you know, and this is how she treats me!

-Let's go.

-Her own mother!

Helen, can you hear me?

There, you see, I knew it!

-Go on.

-I could tell.

-Oh, stop it!

-You were calm in an emergency.

It was a peanut, not an earthquake.

Yeah, but there was a definite professional expertise.

Ha! You should see me at work.

I'm sure you're a very fine doctor. And I happen to know quite a few.

And are they all propping up the bar on their own,

-drinking wine by the bottle?

-Mostly.

You're not far off. The rest are on the gin.

So, what do you do?

-I'm a joiner.

-That's interesting.

Be honest, you know nothing about it.

Excuse me, I'll have you know that I come from a long line of people

who have been known to fashion gates and fences

from bits lying around. So... Hm!

OK, well, I think that's me.

You're not going, are you?

Yes, I really should.

I had quite the head start on you, remember.

-I, um...I don't suppose...?

-What?

..you want to give me your number?

Oh, in case you need your life saved again?

Oh, you never know.

SHE SIGHS

So, this is all my fault, I suppose?

I'll stay with her until I can get someone in.

I'm the one who's supposed to need looking after.

You both do, Carol. That's what the carers are for.

Huh! Neither use nor ornament, they are.

I don't know if they're coming or going, half the time!

Perhaps if you were a little more civil to them.

What's the point, when I've got my own daughter?

Helen is entitled to a life.

And what about me?!

-What life have

-I

-got?!

Three children I've brought up, on my own. No carers for me.

And is there any gratitude? Oh, no!

Maybe you should think about why.

Cancer, I've got!

That's no excuse for the violence.

Violence?! What a load of rubbish!

Helen is out there now in an ambulance for one reason!

Maybe you should stop and think about that.

-Is she going to be all right?

-I don't know.

We'll have to see, won't we?

She's not going to die, is she?

I mean, I know I can be a bit hard on her sometimes.

Only sometimes?

But that's just my way. She knows that!

It's not like I don't love her, is it? Of course I do!

Then you have to show her.

Look, Carol, I know this is difficult,

but the bullying, it's got to stop.

I'm dying!

I know.

But you don't want to do that alone, do you?

SHE SOBS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You know, I actually enjoyed that.

Your exterminator line, that was good.

Maybe I should have given up the day job.

So, what shall we do next?

-Er...rock climbing.

-Why not?

Bungee jumping?

How about...Tuscany?

Aw! You like that Tuscany, don't you?

That's where I feel most alive. So?

-What?

-Well, come enjoy the villa, the food, the views.

-Mm. Sounds tempting.

-And?

There's that little thing called work.

-Take some time off.

-And the kids.

They're hardly small children. There must be someone they can stay with?

Mm. Maybe.

So, is that a yes?

I think so.

Oi-oi, steady on, Doc.

-Exterminate!

-RUHMA LAUGHS

Pink for a girl and blue for a boy.

SHE SOBS

With Zara and Sid on the books,

there's no need for you to be working here fulltime.

Are you saying I'm surplus to requirements?

He's an expert on eating the right things during pregnancy.

It's the way to have a healthy baby, apparently.

I'm Courtney, here to plan every waking moment of your special day.

-Do you charge for that?

-He's kidding.