Never Gonna Give You Up Doctors

Morning.

Oh, wow. Nice do!

Thanks.

I got an uber early appointment.

How the other half lives(!)

-There you go.

-What's this?

It's a list of patients that you'll be covering for Emma today.

Don't tell me she's called in sick? This is my admin day.

Don't shoot the messenger. Orders from the PM.

Karen! It's starting!

Oh, please do come in(!)

I've just been informed that Emma's sick.

And good morning to you, too.

Yes, well I think we can forego the usual pleasantries.

I am not, repeat not, Emma's personal locum.

Doctor Reid's patients

will be shared between all available Doctors.

What's wrong with her today?

It's not still this silly business with the photograph is it?

Why didn't you talk some sense into her?

She's behaving like an adolescent.

Hopefully she will be back on Monday

and, until then, we will manage her appointments.

Now, I still have work to do, so if you...

SHE SIGHS

We all know it's a overreaction.

So why on earth is it OK to be indulging it?

Says you.

What's that supposed to mean?

All right, all right.

I had every right to be aggrieved on behalf of our son.

Come on, Zara. You overreacted just the same.

If I hadn't sent you that text you'd probably have ram raided the school.

My decision not to go to the school

had nothing what so ever to do with you.

-Really?

-I did it for Joe.

OK, well, when you've quite finished,

did you manage to book the childminder for this evening?

Yeah, all done.

And I was going to do admin all morning.

Well, at least you don't have to cover the home visits.

The first one's practically on her doorstep.

-Really?

-Hmm.

I'll do it,

save you the hassle.

Just being helpful.

You always make me nervous when you're extra nice.

Morning. How are you feeling after yesterday?

It's today I'm more worried about.

Listen, Valerie, everything's going to be OK.

Really? You're sure about that?

Come on, listen, be positive.

You can let your hair down later.

What hair?

I've got a special surprise planned for you for the party.

You like surprises, don't you?

MUSIC: She Drives Me Crazy by Fine Young Cannibals

# On my own

# No-one likes

# To be alone

# She drives me crazy

# Ooh-ooh... #

DOORBELL RINGS # Like no-one else... #

Go away.

# Ooh-ooh... #

CONTINUOUS DOORBELL RINGING # She drives me crazy

# And I can't help myself... #

DOORBELL RINGS

# Ooh-ooh... #

# She drives me crazy

# Ooh-ooh... # KNOCKING

# Like no-one else

# Ooh-ooh... # KNOCKING

For goodness' sake!

# She drives me crazy

# And I can't... #

So...did you get it?

One laptop for a third of the price!

Immie's going to have kittens when she opens that.

I got the designer shades for Debs.

Thing is, I really want to keep them for myself! Is that wrong?

What's next?

Oh, designer underwear for Rob.

Boxers or briefs?

Boxers. He doesn't do budgie smugglers.

What are you doing?

Christmas shopping.

Hollins, you know better than to use the "C" word in my presence.

It's Black Friday. You wouldn't believe all the bargains.

No, I wouldn't, and neither should you.

It's just old tat that they couldn't get rid of.

I got Jack a Grand Prix Experience.

-I cannot believe that two relatively intelligent people...

-Thanks!

..would fall for this pathetic example of vapid consumerism.

This represents everything that is wrong with our broken society.

Oh, Karen, boxers, three-pack.

Are you listening to a word I'm saying?

Can you send me the link?

Wasted on you people!

BANGING

What do you think you're...?

Good grief.

-Zara...

-What velour nightmare is this?

I'm sorry, did I say you could come in?

Sack the stylist.

I'm ever so sorry,

-Doctor Reid's off sick today...

-Karen!

-Karen!

-..but we do have a drop-in clinic instead.

Karen.

Karen.

-Karen Hollins.

-Thank you, bye.

Can I get a hard copy of next week's rota, please?

In a minute. One pair of hands.

Not too busy to shop, though.

Never too busy for that!

Valerie, I asked you to change that cartridge ten minutes ago.

-Sorry.

-I thought you were taking the day off.

That's the only reason I agreed to cover.

I was going to, but then I thought

it would be better just to keep busy.

Is that what you call it?

Ah, Miss Pitman, Mrs Hollins.

We are going through the final checklist for the party.

Do you need anything fetching? Groceries?

No. We're doing a cash-and-carry over lunch.

I can always go to the Booze Basement.

You know, I can maybe get a Black Friday deal.

Thank you, but I will be in charge of refreshments.

You?!

Don't sound so surprised.

No offence, but you're practically teetotal.

We'll need a little bit more than lemon barley water

to get the party started.

There will be something there to cater for every taste.

-So, Valerie, any requests?

-Requests?

For the buffet, you know, mini quiches? Cheesy pineapple?

No.

-So who's doing the music?

-Shak is.

Well, I hope there's enough bump and grind for madam.

I won't be dancing.

Will you pack it in?! She's been like this since she got here.

Will you stop talking about me like I'm not here, Karen?

It's just a check-up.

There's no reason for you to be getting into a giant tizz.

Three-month check-up, nothing to worry about.

Well, that's what everyone keeps saying -

but, the fact is, it's almost the exact same day

that I was diagnosed last year.

And if that's not an omen, I don't know what is.

So, if you don't mind,

the last thing on my mind is cheesy pineapples!

Can we crack open a window?

It is a little gamey in here.

Zara, we're not at work now.

I really don't have to put up with this.

Nothing like home-cooked food, is there?

What do you want?

I want to know how long

this Bridget Jones meltdown is going to last?

And how long do you intend having off?

I haven't decided.

How long, Emma?

I don't know -

a week?

Over my dead body!

That can be arranged!

Valerie, are you all right?

Not really.

Look, about this appointment.

Everything's been very positive up to now.

So, you don't think the date's an omen?

Karen said something about Black Friday.

I'm not really into superstitions.

But you can't promise me it won't come back, can you?

No, I can't, but I don't think the date has any significance

and the chance of a recurrence is very low.

-Right, well, I'd better get back to work.

-That's the spirit.

I'm sure everything's going to be fine.

And if it isn't, que sera, sera.

I've been humiliated.

I'm a complete laughing stock.

You're beginning to sound as dramatic as Valerie.

Well, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

We're very different people, thankfully.

I have feelings for a start.

You really think you're a laughing stock?

Darling, I got snapped in the act, in broad daylight, by a patient.

When you've had your sex life splashed all over

the front pages of the local rag

then you may talk to me about humiliation!

But did I turn into a snivelling wreck,

not capable of work or maintaining any standards of personal hygiene?

No, I did not.

And quite frankly, I thought you would have had more self-respect.

Well, I can't go through life not feeling anything.

I'm not armour-plated like you.

-Besides, you were with Daniel.

-That's completely different.

Why? Because yours was a one-night stand?

OK, forgive me, but did you consent to have sex with this man?

-Yes.

-And did he consent to have sex with you?

-Yes.

Well, then you've done nothing wrong

and anyone who thinks otherwise, that's their problem!

Yes, but he deliberately chose me so he could...

"bag" a doctor!

So what? Come on!

Don't tell me you've never had an agenda when it comes to sex?

I sure as hell have.

-Right from bagging the captain of the rugby team...

-But I feel so...

..used.

Then get over it.

You've lost nothing.

So you had sex with a random man,

so there's a picture of you on the internet,

looking surprisingly gorgeous by the way.

Big deal.

Frankly, you need to pull yourself together!

-What are you doing?

-I'm going to make you a coffee.

Will this never end?

I'm not going anywhere until we've resolved this.

Listen, Zara, I can't just bounce back like you, OK?

And I have had some very tough times recently.

Well, who hasn't?

I nearly had a serious ding-dong with Joe's school this week,

but descending into tracksuited oblivion is not a coping mechanism.

Society is all too ready to label women like us as sluts

and it is our shared responsibility

to stand up to such misogynistic stereotyping.

Frankly, I'm ashamed of you for letting the side down.

So much for sisterhood!

Well, I'm sorry for being such a crushing disappointment!

I don't want a coffee! I want you to leave!

Fine.

But if you have any backbone whatsoever,

you will get your act together,

and you will get yourself to Valerie's party

to prove to the world, and to yourself,

and to me, that you are better than

this blob, eating cereal out of the packet!

For the last time, Zara, please will you leave now?!

You know, I say it every year,

but no-one listens

so we need some kind of legislation.

There needs to be a law against the premature manifestation

of Christmas time.

When exactly should it manifest?

That's a good point. I don't know.

Let's say the 24th December about half past ten

or just as Die Hard is starting.

Why are you so chirpy?

I'm just in a better place right now.

Let's go out tonight, let's go on a pub-crawl.

It's Valerie's party.

Yet more forced jollity and Christmas tat,

that's what I'm talking about.

It's not a Christmas party,

it's Valerie's party to support Valerie

-and it's to show off Mrs Tembe's new house.

-Whatever.

Next week for a pub-crawl?

I've got the Vita residential course.

-Here we go, the Vita residential course.

-Why don't you come tonight?

Everyone else is going to be there.

Yeah, they will be - including your pal, Daniel.

Yeah, well, I've forgiven Daniel.

You've what?!

I've forgiven Daniel for... HE SIGHS

..what happened with Cherry.

And, listen, if I can do that,

you can drop all your Christmas prejudices,

and you can come out tonight.

I'm not giving up anything.

D...

-Oh, sorry!

-Oh, no, you...

Well, you didn't think I was going to let you go on your own, did you?

Heston told me about the coincidence thing with the date.

Do you think it's an omen?

No, I think you're a plonker.

This is, what, your third check-up?

And how did the others go?

-Fine.

-Exactly, so what are you worrying about? Come on.

I'm just going to the shop for some lunch, do you want anything?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

I'm popping out myself to get a few bits and bobs.

OK, if I don't see you before,

-I'll see you at the party.

-Is Zara coming?

Yes, hopefully it'll keep her mind off the Nativity.

FORCED LAUGHTER

No, Daniel, see YOU at the party!

That Daniel, what a guy!

Like I said, I have forgiven him.

All right, Forgiveness Boy, riddle me this,

what is modern society's obsession with forgiveness?

What's wrong with bearing a good old-fashioned grudge?

The very definition of forgiveness

says that you're supposed to give up the anger

which you're completely entitled to have, Jimmi!

Fine! What was that thing about Zara?

Oh, she's just annoyed Joe didn't get the lead in the Nativity.

The Nativity. British schools are supposed to be secular.

The Nativity play is just another example of religious indoctrination.

-No... No offence meant.

-Oh, none taken(!)

-AL SIGHS

-Good.

-Come on, let's go to lunch.

-I can't, I've got party stuff to get.

-What stuff?

-What do you care? You're not going, anyway.

Well, actually, I...

-I am, so you're on.

-Oh, actually, you...?

Oh, I thought it was all "Christmas tat and enforced jollity."

Well, it is that, it is tat and enforced jollity,

but I'm going to put that aside for Valerie.

Wow! That is really big of you(!)

Do you know, in that case, I will see you on the dance floor.

I didn't say I was going to do any dancing, did I?

Valerie, that's the eighth time

you've checked your watch in the last minute.

I'll slap your wrist.

I just want to be rid of hospitals and check-ups.

I've had enough to last me a lifetime the last year.

I know.

-What if it comes back, Ayesha?

-Don't say that. Be positive.

I remember sitting here a year ago, all alone.

I'd just split up with Ashley.

And then it was one thing after the other.

The diagnosis, the chemotherapy, losing my hair.

Ruining Barry's life.

Valerie, you didn't ruin anybody's life.

You beat this thing before and if it comes to it, you'll do it again.

And you're not alone.

You are a good friend, Ayesha.

You do my head in sometimes and you're as mad as a box of frogs,

but one thing's for sure, there's never a dull moment.

Miss Pitman?

-Do you want me to come in with you?

-No, I've got to do this on my own.

Do I look dreadful?

No, you look fine, babe. Come here.

Good luck, yeah.

VALERIE EXHALES

MUSIC: Sweetest Thing by U2

Oh! Ah! Right!

That's the last one.

-I'm going to put the kettle on.

-Thank you.

It'll be some party!

Yes, well, let's hope there is something to celebrate.

# I'm losing you

# Ain't love the sweetest thing

# I wanted to run but she made me crawl

# Oh, oh, oh, the sweetest thing

# Eternal fire she turned me to straw

# Oh, oh, the sweetest thing

# You know I got black eyes

# But they burn so brightly for her

# I guess it's a blind kind of love

# Oh, oh, oh, the sweetest thing... #

Hi. I'd like to make a hair appointment, please.

As soon as possible.

# Whoa, I'm losing you... #

-MUTED:

-Valerie?

Valerie?

Valerie!

Well...?

No symptoms, nothing!

-THEY LAUGH

-I'm so pleased for you, babe!

I can't believe it!

What...what did he say exactly?

That the tests have come back all clear

and I can move to four or maybe even six monthly check-ups from now on.

Oh! There was me being all doom and gloom.

Actually, I've got ever such a lot to be grateful for this year.

I'm in remission, getting a permanent job at the Mill.

-Being a whistle-blower.

-Mm. Huh!

VALERIE SIGHS

Do you know, part of me wishes I could go back to a year ago.

Tell that frightened version of me sitting over there

that everything's going to be OK.

-Who are you ringing?

-Our lot. The gang.

We are going to have one hell of a party tonight.

Hey, Mrs T...

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo

# The sweetest thing

# Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

# Oh, the sweetest thing. #

-Hey, how was the shopping trip?

-Ah, yeah, good, thanks.

I managed to get all the props we need for tonight.

Props? No-one said anything to me about party games.

-Oh. Didn't they?

-Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

You can't just leave me hanging like that, Jim.

Like what?

Ah, nothing. Just bit of banter.

Since when do you and Jimmi banter? Have I missed something?

Well, we had a...we had a chat yesterday.

-About...?

-About Cherry.

He's forgiven me.

Well, that's a good thing.

Why didn't you just tell me?

It's best we all just move on.

-I think that's his number.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, that's it.

-Right.

I'll give him a try. DOORBELL

Oh! That's probably Ruhma. I'll get it.

I always find the plates at a buffet way too small.

Do not panic, there is, er...

There is plenty of food.

Where is Sergeant Hollins?

He's working late. He might pop along later.

Oooh, do you know, I'll maybe do a plate for him, just in case.

Wow! Nice place.

Ah! Dr Haskey. Here, come.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho! What is that?

Mrs Hollins, come!

This is my famous Botswana drink.

Mrs Tembe, are you trying to get us drunk?

Oh, no, no, no. It is non-alcoholic.

-Mmm.

-No, I would recommend that you sip...!

Yeah, it is mostly fruit juice and chilli. Lots of lots of chilli!

I think I'll give that a miss, thank you very much.

DOORBELL Excuse me!

-Where's the music, maestro?

-I'm trying to sort it. Shak?

You said you'd be here at 7:00, mate.

Oh! That stuff should come with a government health warning!

That's my plate!

Well, finders keepers, losers weepers.

Come in, come in.

Now, er...this is the kitchen.

Very nice.

And it has a south-facing garden.

Zara, what are you drinking?

You simply must try Mrs Tembe's lethal Botswana Brew.

What's lethal about it?

Apparently, it's like napalm. Just ask Lightweight Hollins here.

There's no show without punch.

I think I'll just have a glass of red, thank you.

Lager for me, please.

Mrs Tembe? We might have a problem.

Shak's not feeling well and Ruhma's staying home to look after him.

And she's not coming either?

-So, no disco?

-Oops!

Not unless you've got something up-tempo.

I do have an extensive record collection

and some very uplifting gospel music.

Ha! Yeah, that's just up Jimmi's street.

DOORBELL Oooh! Now, that is Miss Pitman!

OK, everyone, positions. You know the drill.

-"Drill?"

-Just do as we do.

I wouldn't have let you down the way Shak did.

I barely know him.

Just remember who your real friends are, Jimmi.

Quickly!

Ah! Nurse Lee and Miss Pitman, welcome!

Oh! You really did not have to bring anything!

-Oh, it's a surprise!

-Oh!

What on earth...?!

They're my cancer wigs.

I thought we could bury them in the back garden

in a sort of ceremonial cleansing ritual, by moonlight.

Er...no. No.

Not in my back garden.

Perhaps we could use them for party games?

Anyway, look, we have a surprise for you.

Just wait here one...one moment.

WHISPERS: All right, she's here, everybody!

Come, come, come!

ALL: Surprise!

Oh! Wow! You look fab!

Brilliant! If you can just excuse me?

Right, photo time. Come on, Valerie. you can go first.

Actually, Jimmi, do you mind if I just say a few words?

DOORBELL I was not expecting anyone else.

Oh! I'll go.

Um...can I just say how grateful I am to all of you

for your love and support through this difficult year.

I know I have been selfish at times

and I've definitely had my fair share of tears and tantrums,

but, honestly, I feel like a new woman.

-Yay!

-Hooray! CHEERING

-Dr Reid!

-Hello. Sorry I'm late. Hello, everyone.

-Valerie, these are for you.

-Oh!

Ayesha told me the good news. Congratulations!

Thank you.

Right, who's for a selfie? Emma?

What? No, I don't think so, with my reputation.

-Any chance of a drink, Mrs Tembe?

-Yes, this way.

Right, is that all the surprises done? Can we finally have a dance?

Ah! Bit of a problem with the disco.

Oh, yeah. Shak didn't turn up.

Jimmi, you can't have a party without a disco!

Oh, wait! I've got an idea! Ha-ha-ha!

I know it's in here somewhere. Oh, there we go! Ta-da!

-'80s Divvies?

-Divas.

-Oh, yeah.

-Valerie, has anybody ever told you, you are amazing?

-Frequently.

-MUSIC BLARES

Oh, I love this song!

MUSIC: Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley

-Well, I am so glad you came.

-Thanks.

-You sounded so low when we spoke this morning.

-Hm.

What changed?

Well, you know what they say, you can't keep a good woman down.

-And don't worry, I'll be back at work on Monday.

-Right.

Oooh!

Is this Rick Astley, really?

Al, mate, it's a party. Just lighten up.

You know what, Jimmi, ever since you found religion,

you have become irritatingly happy.

What's wrong with being happy and having fun? You should try...

-Just listen to yourself, man.

-Oh, do you know what, Al? Fine.

Just hang around here, be antisocial if you want,

but tonight is not about you, it's about Valerie.

OK, you ready? This way.

And strike a pose!

Come on, Mrs T, your turn!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Do you know, I think I will have that photo.

Come on, Daniel, get in.

-Do you fancy joining me?

-I don't think so.

Why? Are you worried I'll upstage you?

Fantastic!

WHISTLE OK, let's have everyone in.

CHEERING Let me see a smile.

This way, this way.

JIMMI LAUGHS

Yeah, good, good.

Ha! That's really nice.

-Edwina Harriet?

-Who are you?

-Hello, Mum.

You were saying you had some leave owed and so do I, so, how about it?

What, a holiday?

All you need to know is he's nothing to do with us.

You'd better leave.

VALERIE CHUCKLES