The Twelve Divas of Christmas Doctors

# His mother Mary kneeling down upon the Lord did pray

# O tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy

# O tidings of comfort and joy

# Now to the Lord sing praises all you within this place

# And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace

# This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface

# O tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy

# O tidings of comfort and joy. #

-Whoo!

-TRICKLE OF APPLAUSE

Thank you, everyone, that was really...

-Heston?

-Yes?

-How do you want us to do our bows?

That's really not important right now.

But we could all hold hands, or we could come on individually.

Could we worry about the show first and the bowing later?

-Was it that bad?

-No, no, no. Marvellous.

It's going to be a wonderful evening. Now, if we could just...

You see, I said it was going to be all right on the night!

You've no idea how worried I've been.

I woke up at three in the morning and my sheets were just dripping...

Dude, we don't need to hear about your bodily secretions.

I was going to say, with sweat.

Talking of bed, there's somebody else here, a cast member,

who is way past his bedtime.

-Are you talking to me?

-SHE CHUCKLES

Come on, Joe, there's a gingerbread man at home with your name on it.

All right, but not too many.

You were wonderful. Say goodbye to everybody.

-Bye, Joe!

-Bye, Joe!

-Bye, Joe!

OK, now, if we could just...

Um...Dr Carter, one moment, please.

I have a selection of snacks and beverages backstage.

-Perhaps Dr Reid would like to assist me.

-Oh, yeah, will do.

OK, a quick break, then I want to see you in two groups.

First, the ghosts, then Scrooge and the Cratchits.

Well, if anybody thinks acting's easy,

they should come and smell the sweat on my underskirts.

Oh, thanks, Valerie(!)

Um...Valerie, I thought you were going to bring in some mittens?

Oh. Yes, yes, I did say that

-and then I went and left them in the glove compartment.

-Oh, Valerie!

I bet Judi Dench doesn't leave her mittens in the glove compartment.

Yeah, well, Judi Dench has got an entourage, hasn't she?

She's got a whole team of people keeping tabs on her mittens.

Right, if we could just, um...

That seemed to go all right.

Yes. Just one or two few things we can improve upon.

So, what can I get for you, Dr Vere?

I don't know. I could do with something to celebrate.

So champagne, maybe? No, I'll have a coffee.

Ooo, no, no, no, no, I need to sleep tonight.

-Camomile tea?

-Heston?

-Yes, thank you. Thank you.

-Heston?

-Yes?

I want to talk about this dirge you want to end with.

-God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen?

-Yeah, that's the one.

Now, obviously, on principle,

I object to any mention of Satan's power, yadda-yadda-yadda.

If we have to have a Christmas carol,

how about we have one of the jolly ones?

-Such as?

-I don't know.

-Frosty the Snowman.

-Oh, for goodness' sake!

Dr Haskey, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

is a song about sacrifice.

About looking after your fellow man.

Please, tell me the deeper meaning of Frosty the Snowman!

Well, it's about a fragile, transient,

water-based life form who decides to seize the day

because he senses a cataclysmic event

is going to threaten our very existences.

-Which is?

-Climate change.

Are you sure you got the recipe right?

Yeah, I followed it to the letter. Why?

Well, it's a Christmas miracle.

You've turned a perfectly good wine into mouthwash.

Oi! You can make the next lot.

Huh!

You know, I love what she's done with this place.

No-one does Christmas like Emma Reid, trust me.

Did you ever see that film, Miracle on 34th Street?

-Where Santa gets a job in a department store?

-Yeah.

So there's this bit in it where this girl sits on Santa's knee,

and all she wants for Christmas is her mum and dad back together

and her brother and sister.

-Mm.

-I saw that when I was stuck in a care home

and I used to want the same thing.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night, hoping Santa could hear me.

Snap!

Well, I mean, I had a mum, but she was usually off her face

and all I wanted was to live somewhere calm and peaceful, like this.

-And now you do.

-I know.

See, dreams do come true.

Mrs Tembe, marvellous. Perfect projection, crystal-clear diction.

Absolutely solid.

Well, I'm not sure that a ghost is supposed to be solid,

but thank you very much.

I have a but, and it's a big but.

After a while, your performance gets a bit one-note.

Dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum,

dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum.

That's two notes.

Well, perhaps you would prefer me to be more

dee-da-dee-da-dee-da-dee-dum,

dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-do.

Try it.

I was wondering whether I should play the role

as an African god, Shango,

who played his rhythms in a storm cloud.

-No, please don't.

-What?

Why not? Let's have a bit more diversity.

-Why not?

-We already have a black woman playing a white man's part.

-Excuse me?!

-Who says ghosts have to be white?

All right. Um...I stand corrected.

Maybe you could be a bit more, dee-da-dee-dum-dee-dee,

dee-da-dee-dum-dee-dee. OK?

-Valerie?

-Yes?

Your performance has an ethereal, other-worldly quality.

Yeah, people often say that.

Yeah, but what I find a bit confusing is you can't keep still.

One minute, you're crouching on the floor, then you're standing up,

and then during the Belle scene,

you're clambering all over the rostra.

You did say you wanted a performance that worked on many different levels.

Yes, I did. Um...

Perhaps you could you stay on the ground throughout.

Okey doke. Yep.

I will keep my phantom feet planted firmly on the ground.

Good. Er...Ruhma.

-Yes, sweetheart.

-Um...

Oh, dear. Um...

It's not really working, is it?

You don't look very comfortable on the trolley.

-I...I think we may have to recast.

-What?!

No! I...I've been through a lot.

Well, it's health and safety as much as anything.

We don't want another accident.

Don't worry, we'll find something else for you to do.

It is for the good of the show.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

The show must go on(!)

Don't be such a drama queen.

It's not even an important part,

it's just a load of elaborate pointing.

It's harder than you think.

A trained chimp could do it. I'll ask Daniel.

Oh! Speaking of which, Joe.

Yes?

-I couldn't really hear a word he was saying.

-I heard every word.

Yes, but you were standing right next to him.

Look, OK, it is just nerves, but he's really looking forward to it.

He'd be so upset if he had to drop out.

No, he wouldn't! Just tell him what we did tonight was the show

and he'd be none the wiser.

What are you even doing here? You're not playing one of the ghosts.

I'm just saying that if Joe's finding it difficult,

I know someone who would be a natural!

HE SIGHS

Right, you can open them now.

Ta-da! Hm!

It's very festive.

I just wanted something to wear to Sophie's party on Saturday.

-And is it fancy dress?

-No!

I just want people to see me as I sashay through the door.

Oh, they will. Just as long as you don't think it's over the top.

Not really, but then again, my top is probably way higher than your top.

-It's very creative.

-Oh, I think staying with you and Karen

-has really helped me come out of my shell a bit.

-Right.

I've gone from being one of those squidgy little green things to a butterfly.

Right.

And I've realised something about myself.

Something I think I've always known deep down.

I need to tell you something personal.

-Why don't you wait until Karen gets home?

-What?!

She'll be here in a minute and you can tell us both together.

Anyway, you need to get changed,

-you don't want get spag bol all over your baubles.

-No.

So, yes, I am going to give him lots of extra tuition

and he will be incredible on the night.

Or you could give it to someone who is incredible now!

He's trying his best.

Do you know what he said to me this morning?

"Do I have to go through with this, Mummy?"

He said, "Mummy, I am going to make you and Daddy so...proud

"and I'm going to make all of you so happy."

-By resigning?

-Right, that is it.

You have done nothing but snipe about Joe all evening.

-If anyone's miscast, it's you.

-Miscast?!

Belle is supposed to be the young ingenue in love with Scrooge,

not Old Mother Hubbard from Cradley Heath.

Cradley Heath?

I'm making an executive decision. You're fired.

-What?

-What?!

Ah! So, I am going to have to miss out

on being humiliated in front of half-a-dozen pensioners?

Dr Carmichael, don't you think that this is a little harsh?

It has all gone very dramatic.

Which is more than can be said for this pile of...

OK, look, maybe we could come to a compromise.

Oh, don't bother.

You can stick it up your bah humbug!

OK. Who's going to be Belle?

So, um...I was just going to ask you...

Flipping Zara Carmichael!

How does she sleep at night?!

Oh, dear. What has the Wicked Witch of the West done now?

She's only gone and sacked me from the play!

OMG! You must be devoed! Why?

Well, because I said you should be in it instead of her useless son.

Ah. You never really did get the hang of diplomacy, did you, love?

So, you gave up your dreams of stardom for me?

Well, you say stardom, but they'll probably get,

I don't know, two stray dogs and a pensioner.

I know! We could do our own show!

We'd be a massive internet sensation!

OK! Can I take my coat off first?

Oh, Adam's been, er...picking my brains

about what outfit to wear for Sophie's party.

He's been asking you for fashion advice?

Well, it's good to know what the ordinary man on the street thinks.

I've narrowed it down to two.

I'll go and get them. You stay right there.

-You seem to be getting on.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do have concerns.

-Jimmi?

-Ah, yes?

Very nuanced performance.

Understated. Lots of light and shade.

50 Shades of Clay!

-Um...so, that's...that's good, is it?

-Oh, superlative.

Maybe a little bit more projection. It's absolutely superb.

Zara? Lots of energy in your performance,

but Mrs Cratchit appears to have been born in the East End

and moved to Australia via Pakistan.

LAUGHTER

What?! Look, I can do it really well when there's no-one watching.

OK, that's unfortunate because I think we're expecting an audience.

-Do you want a bet?

-Just tone it down a bit. Less is more.

-Sid.

-Hello.

How do you think it went?

Well, I'm just relieved to get through it, really.

It's amazing how acting takes you out of yourself, though.

I mean, suddenly, I'm 40 years old,

married to Zara, with a four-year-old child.

-In the play, obviously.

-Daniel will be relieved.

Well, you did technically get through it.

-I just couldn't hear a word.

-What?

You and Joe seemed to be doing the whole thing in mime

and stumbling about and mumbling noises.

W-W-W... Er... Huh!

OK, um...what's the one thing that would most improve my performance?

Subtitles. LAUGHTER

-Al.

-Yes, my liege?

Er...well, on a positive note,

you certainly were audible, um...

but what exactly were you saying?

Well...it was this, sort of.

Yes, but you've rewritten every speech.

I mean, for example, the line is, "Lead on, Spirit",

not "Giddy up, Spooky".

LAUGHTER

Look, it needs livening up.

You can write this stuff, but you can't say it.

Look, Alastair Sim managed it,

and Orson Welles and Michael Caine

and...and thousands of Scrooges in every corner of the globe.

Yeah, but could they perform a cricothyroidotomy?

This is a gift of a part.

Don't send it back to the shop for alterations.

Nothing is so good it can't be improved upon,

but if you're happy with mediocrity...

-Sorry, where are you going?

-For a drink.

Anybody who wants to join me, giddy up!

No, no, no. These are teething problems.

Why don't we have another read-through?

Because we've given up the will to live.

We've lost Scrooge, so...

You know, a drink might not be a bad idea.

There's an old showbiz saying, if you have a very bad run-through,

you're going to have an excellent first night.

And on that basis, our first night should be superb!

So he was trying on all these outfits.

He made this place look like a catwalk.

Mmmmm!

Oh, it sounds like you were having a better time than me.

Yeah, but then he said he had an announcement to make,

of a personal nature.

-What was it?

-Well, I don't know for sure.

I asked him to wait until you got home so he could tell us together.

Why did you do that?

Well, it's fairly obvious, isn't it?

He wants to come out, doesn't he?

Well, I don't know, but why did you ask him to wait?

Because I don't know anything about being gay, apart from the obvious.

What if I said something wrong, knocked his confidence?

Well, you...you just say,

"That's great, well done, you.

"Have you got a boyfriend?"

Oh, that's great, well done, you. Have you got a boyfriend?

It doesn't sound right to me.

It's a huge compliment that he asked you. I mean, it...

He can obviously see behind the crusty, He-Man exterior

to the human being with a heart.

I've never seen it myself.

Are you ready for the show?

-Yes, we are.

-Yay!

-We can't wait.

DOOR CLOSES

I mean, it's not like anyone's being paid to do it, is it?

We're all volunteer... Ooo!

-Sorry, we were just...

-Yeah, I think we can guess.

-How were rehearsals?

-Not good.

At the moment, I think we should let the audience in for free

and then make them pay £100 just to get out.

Oh, it can't be that bad.

That speech you did this morning was hilarious.

I can do it in the kitchen, or in the car, or in the shower,

but as soon as I think about doing in onstage, I just fall to pieces.

You'll be fine. You just need to go through it a few times.

Yeah, I suppose. Off to learn my lines.

-See you.

-Ooo! And I shall whip you up some lovely mulled wine.

That's what I call comfort and joy.

So, is it really that bad? I want to see it now!

It's fine. And Lena is being brilliant with everybody.

She's...she's such a doer!

-So, what's the problem?

-Heston.

He just doesn't understand

that people need bigging up, as well as dragging down.

At the moment, it's going to end up being a whodunnit.

Who Killed Heston Carter?

And I tell you now, there are no shortage of suspects.

Oh!

-OK, here we are, um...Peregrine Peculiar.

-Thank you.

-And a fruit smoothie.

-Thank you.

-Are you not having one?

-Ah!

ANIMATED CHATTER

Oh, never mind.

Yeah, this is much more convivial.

-So, Heston, I have a couple of notes for you.

-What?

The Mr Fezziwig dance. You are playing that for laughs, right?

Well, no, it's an English folk dance

with a bit of Highland fling, then a soupcon of paso doble.

More like pass the sick bucket.

Heston, we need to talk about props.

You did a list and some of the things are completely impractical.

-Well, how many do you have left to get?

-76.

I've spoken to Emma, had a chat,

and we think that black-box minimalism is the way to go.

No, no, no, you can't have minimalism at Christmas.

Oh, and another thing, for the giant's feast,

we need turkey, geese, game, sausages, mince pies...

But it's only onstage for a few seconds. We can't afford it!

All right, then, maybe some tartlets.

And we need the door knockers.

One with Jacob Marley's face and one without.

Heston, we are going to have to cut back.

My list is longer than Santa's!

For heaven's sake, all I'm asking for is a couple of dozen tarts

and a pair of 19th-century knockers!

UPBEAT MUSIC

Eeee! Wow!

KAREN LAUGHS

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Y-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay!

Ooo!

KAREN LAUGHS

Hooray!

KAREN WOLF-WHISTLES

Y-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Brilliant!

THEY CHUCKLE

Here we go, ladies.

Ooo, lovely!

-Thank you.

-Thanks.

Oh, it's like Christmas in a glass.

What was your best-ever Christmas?

Me? Well, I suppose it would've been when Chris was little.

It doesn't seem the same somehow,

without having a child running around the place.

-We've got Sid.

-Yes, indeed we have.

What about you?

Well, I remember when I was five, our electricity got cut off.

-Why?

-Mum didn't have any money for the meter.

But we had a really good time.

We ran around in the dark, told ghost stories.

Then we went outside and made a bonfire.

There's nothing quite like making your own entertainment.

What about you?

Oh. Christmas isn't really Christmas when you're in care.

You kind of feel like everything that gets given to you

is going to get taken away again.

Tyler, I don't mean to be critical, but, um...

what did you put in the mulled wine?

I followed your recipe.

Right. It's just that I can taste garlic.

Seven or eight cloves, right?

Seven or eight cloves?

Do you know what, I'm, er...

I'm going to go and, er...help Sid learn his lines.

ANIMATED CHATTER

Where's Lena?

She went home with a migraine.

Oh. I'm surprised you didn't ask her for a sick note.

Heston, my highly-nuanced colleague and I

have got a little something for you.

-Don't drag me into this, this was your idea.

-What is it?

Well, if we really do have to go with all that religiosity at the end of the show,

I've found a version which is almost acceptable.

MUSIC: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (Rock Version)

# God rest ye merry gentlemen... #

What do you think?

It's a primordial, gut-wrenching expression of obsidian blackness.

That's a go, then, yeah?

No, of course not!

# To save us all from Satan's power

# When we were gone astray. #

THEY LAUGH

So, what should I go for, fur or feathers?

Oh! Why are you even asking?

What do you mean?

You look great whatever you wear.

Clothes just love you, you lucky thing.

-Oh!

-Wear what makes you comfortable, whatever makes you happy.

That sounds like very good advice.

But I am on earlies, so I'm going to hit the hay.

-OK, night-night.

-Night, love.

Good night. Good night.

You're so lucky to have him.

Aw! We're lucky to have each other.

Hm. One day, I hope to find someone like Rob.

Not exactly like him.

Oh, and you will. And when you do, you're going to have so much fun.

I just remembered, I need to ask him something!

I know she can be a nightmare, but I'd still love to see her.

Are you sure it's a good idea?

Of course it isn't. In fact, it's a terrible idea,

but isn't Christmas about getting people together?

I wouldn't know.

There's going to be me, Debs, Sierra.

Karl's coming over from Germany.

How good would it be if Mum could be there on Christmas Day?

Well, you never know.

I'm looking forward to meeting the gang.

Hm-hm! And they are going to love you.

-Even if you are a copper.

-Hey! Come here.

-You like winding Heston up, don't you?

-Very much.

I'm not allowed to smoke indoors, so I need to find some pleasure.

Don't let me stop you. He's been driving me bug-eyed all week.

The thing is, we are doing this play with, what, ten people?

You add Emma and Lena backstage and that's 12.

Every single one of those dozen have got their own agenda.

Now, Heston wants it to be a masterpiece

so we'll all acknowledge what a genius he is.

Mrs Tembe wants it to be morally uplifting

so she can show off to her church friends.

Zara wants Tiny Tim to be the star.

Valerie probably wants to get picked up by a horror movie company.

Exactly. And me, I...I just want to have fun.

I don't care if people laugh at me, or with me,

I honestly couldn't give a figgy pudding.

Absolutely ditto, but you are going to learn your lines properly, yes?

Well, maybe.

The thing is, I quite like the idea of that special credit.

-CHANTING: Speech, speech, speech!

-"With additional material by..."

CHANTING: Speech, speech, speech!

What do you reckon? Earth to Jimmi.

Earth to Jimmi. Are you with us?

Yes, sorry. I know that guy.

CHEERING

The thing is, I know I'm different

-and different can either be fun, or it can be lonely.

-I'm...I'm sure.

-Though I have to be true to myself, don't I? I can't live a lie.

-Of course not.

I've been lying in my bed, thinking,

"I can't be. It's just a phase, Everyone's going to reject you."

No-one will... Well, I hope no-one will reject you.

-We think you're wonderful.

-OK.

Well, I've realised when I'm older...

..I want to be a police officer.

Oh!

I used to think it was about wearing the uniforms and looking hard,

but since spending time with you,

I can see it's all about helping people.

It is. Yes, it is.

I mean, that's what I do every day at work,

I help people rub along with each other.

I could do that! I could be a police officer with a truncheon,

helping people to rub along together!

Of course you could. Shall we talk in the morning? I...

But I am...I'm...I'm genuinely flattered.

I'm just really pleased I could tell someone.

-Good night, Sergeant Hollins.

-Good night.

Hm!

What's the matter?

It's Rob.

He's so kind, so caring.

Yeah?

-HE LAUGHS

-And so easy to wind up!

SHE CHUCKLES

SLURRED: So, yeah! This is such an honour.

But I want to thank all the people that helped me get here today.

CHEERING

Like the bus driver.

LAUGHTER

I want to thank the little people.

Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy.

THEY GROAN All the rest of them.

But most of all, I want to thank you guys.

-Aw!

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

Because you rock.

And one day, we're going to rule the world.

CHEERING

So brace yourself, world, yeah?

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

MUSIC: A Winter's Tale by David Essex

-Emma?

-Yeah.

-Can I ask you a question?

-Of course.

Ayesha's mum.

What do you want to know?

Well, you've met her, right?

Is she as bad as she sounds?

Let's just say that, er...Bren has baggage.

A whole load of baggage, right?

Look, don't tell Ayesha I've said this,

but Bren is damaged.

She plays nasty mind games with people

and manages to mess up all the good things in Ayesha's life.

I mean, the last time she was here,

well, the rug in the front room? She peed on it.

And when I mentioned it, she swore at me until she passed out.

She drags her down, Tyler, every time.

Ayesha wants to meet up with her over Christmas.

Oh! God help us all! That's the last thing she needs.

Alia, look, I'm really sorry, OK? We're running behind.

We will be home soon. All right. OK. Bye!

And I need a Victorian smoking cap!

(Can you get me a drink?)

Well, let me know when you've got one!

-What?

-Oh, no, I'll get you a drink, of course I will, dictator.

Oh, sorry, I meant director.

What have I done now?

I am fed up with the way that this show is taking over our lives.

-Well, it'll be over in a few days.

-Yeah, and so might we be.

What do you mean?

You hardly notice me. And as for that accident...

-That wasn't my fault.

-An apology, that would've been really nice,

but, no, all you care about is the sodding show.

-I hardly think that's fair.

-And Al is right. Your Fezziwig dance stinks!

-All I need is a piece of paper telling my boss I'm fit to work.

-You sure?

If you sign him fit and it all goes pear-shaped, it'll be your career.

EMMA LAUGHS

I think that's better than Heston's Fezziwig dance!

-Take a seat, Mr Bauman.

-That was very formal, Dr Reid.

Last time we met, it was Max.