The Lunch Break Doctors

Ah! On time as always, mon petite fromage.

Now, we have the table at 2:15,

which gives us plenty of time to stroll over...

I'm sorry, Heston, I haven't quite finished.

Do you want to go on through, Helen? I'll be right with you.

-Thanks, Ruhma.

-OK.

You have another patient?

Oh, look at your little face.

Look, Mrs Mathews, she called this morning.

Her previously-very-lovely partner

has become all distant and moody since she's got pregnant,

so I agreed to fit her in.

-We'll lose our table if we're not there in...

-We won't be late!

I just need five much-needed minutes to give her moral support.

Oh, you are a wonderful woman.

Yeah, well, it has been said. OK!

So, er...how are things?

Really, really well, thanks.

That's very good. And Mark?

He's great.

OK, Helen, I don't mean to burst your bubble or anything,

but the last time we met, you were thinking of ending things.

-What's changed?

-It's hard to explain.

I just feel like I understand him better now.

Did that book on prescription help?

I did read this one and, not that it was bad or anything,

I'm sure it works for other couples, it just wasn't the one for us.

It mainly suggested we sit down and talk, and you know Mark!

Getting him to tell me what he had for lunch is like getting blood out of a stone.

Right. Er...so, if it wasn't the book...

It wasn't this one, but while I was waiting for you last time,

I saw this one on your shelves.

How To Speak Man: A User's Guide For The Modern Woman.

-Is this on prescription?

-If it's not, it should be.

I'm not kidding. This book has totally changed our relationship!

How are you, Mrs Tembe?

Oh, er...it's just... Well, the hernia, you know.

Is it still painful?

Well, no, not really.

It's unfortunate that my appointment at St Phil's is not for another few weeks.

Well, if it gets worse, you can always come and see me.

Oh, I appreciate that, Dr Carter. Thank you.

The delays for these appointments can be ridiculous!

Yes. Well, I do not mind the wait.

Yes, well, I do. Why is Ruhma taking so long?

Well, I really don't...

I am feeling like a cheeky burger.

That's strange, because you look like a dog's dinner! Ha-ha!

Ah, you're some kind of comedy genius.

-For goodness' sake!

-What? I thought it was funny.

Ah, about time!

-Right, well, I will see you soon.

-Absolutely.

And thank you again for the book.

Ah. Well, it's nothing to do with me, but I'm really glad it helped.

Everyone should read it. Especially men!

If we leave now, we could still get a starter and a main course.

Was she referring to a book on prescription?

No, no, no, she got this one from our library.

-How To Speak Man.

-How to speak man what?

Ruhma, you know how many weeks it's taken me to get this table! Can we please just go?

Right, just a second, listen, this is amazing.

Helen swears this book has given her a fresh perspective on men.

-Join me for lunch?

-Oh, I suppose so.

Well, don't sound too excited(!)

Huh! You do realise that at this point in the relationship,

I already know everything that you're going to say,

and I'm bored of the Icon's menu, too.

But Carlos is making his tiramisu cupcakes this week.

Oh, well, in that case, I could force myself.

Right. Trumped by a cupcake. Makes me feel special(!)

-Ha-ha!

-What a load of monumental claptrap!

The idea that reading a book once can turn a relationship around...

-But it did.

-What's going on?

Dr Carter seems to have taken exception to this book.

Forget research, forget scientific rigour.

Apparently, all one needs to understand the complexities

of the opposite sex is a superannuated pamphlet(!)

If you would just listen to me for a moment...

I don't want to listen, I want to be at Chez Margot,

where I have fought to get us a table

so we can enjoy their spectacular menu.

And we soon will be, but you can't dismiss something out of hand without reading it first.

-Look, Helen...

-Could not be more wrong.

-Oh, really?

-Now it's getting interesting.

We could've sold tickets for this.

The self-help book is the bane of my existence.

Written by some illiterate moron

who won't know his hyphen from a semicolon.

I really don't need you to lecture me, Heston.

I'm not lecturing you, I'm simply trying to explain

that this book could not have turned your patient's relationship around in a matter of days.

-And I will tell you why.

-Mansplaining.

-Textbook!

-Man-what?

-Heston, have you even read it?

-I don't need to.

Typical man.

Oh, the cliche used by all women down through the centuries.

-Heston...?

-Look, see what you've done?

We may miss our table. So, can we please go?!

I'm suddenly not very hungry, thank you.

Ayesha? Mrs Tembe? Shall we...?

-Shall you what?

-I thought we were having lunch?

Well, suddenly, all women seem to have lost their appetite.

Ahhhhh.

-What just happened?

-Er...Ruhma just dropped the mic.

Yeah, then Zara picked it up and dropped it again.

-Translation?

-You've riled the sisterhood, Heston,

and now we're all in trouble.

But don't worry. We're going to need sandwiches, any kind.

And coffee, please.

Don't worry, Heston, we won't let you go through this alone.

-Through what?

-That's the spirit.

You...you saw that, right?

Well, Dr Carter could have, er...

-well, behaved better in the discussion.

-You think?!

We are going to need salad and fruit.

Oh, who am I kidding?

We're going to need cake.

I'll go. To be honest,

I'm not exactly sure what all the fuss is about. It's just a book.

Well, my thoughts exactly.

Instead of getting me some cake, can you just get me some fruit, please?

-Carlos is doing tiramisu cupcakes.

-Really?

Well, just get me a little one and maybe some...

Can you just go and we'll explain when you get back?

Look, you don't have to all get involved, OK?

This will all blow over once he calms down.

This isn't about you two any more. This is about all women.

-It is?

-Let's have a look at this book.

We're going to need ammunition.

Ammunition?

This is no longer a lunch break, ladies.

This...is war.

-Sandwich run?

-Yep. You, too?

-Cake.

-Hm!

-What was all that about in there?

-I don't know, you tell me.

-They're just bored, if you ask me.

Grown-ups bickering about some stupid book.

Besides, the whole men and women thing

speaking different languages is so last century.

Everything's out in the open now, or at least it should be.

-Why do you think I dumped Tyler?

-Er...

He gave the whole spiel about having to protect me because I'm a woman.

Like I need any of that!

-Yeah.

-Unreconstructed, that's Tyler.

I looked it up. Not like you.

You're totally constructed, aren't you?

Thanks to this book, Helen has finally been able to understand

how scared and vulnerable Mark's been since she got pregnant.

It's really helped her to encourage him to talk about his feelings.

Heston is very happy to express how he feels,

but doesn't always understand why.

-READS:

-Women share, men hide.

I'm afraid I understand Dr Carter's position.

Some of these self-help books offer no help whatsoever.

-READS:

-All women know that men are incapable

of uttering those three little words.

I...don't...know.

Now, that is very true.

The problem is, Heston and I are rubbish at arguing.

Didn't look like that to me.

You hear about people that are able to argue in a very constructive way.

Well, we both shout at each other, then he sulks and that's it.

-Probably thanks to our history.

-Your history?

Er...Heston's heart condition.

So I'm always very super-careful not to upset him.

Well, that is very wise.

But it means that we can never argue when we need to

and it is impossible for me to win, especially when I know I'm right!

-OK, that is it!

-What is?

Good arguments are at the heart of successful relationships,

and it's about time you won one!

-I'll be your coach.

-Sorry, what?

I am going to coach you how to win the next round.

Is that not going to exacerbate the situation?

It can't be any more exacerbated!

Do you think this is a good idea?

-Have you ever seen me lose an argument with Daniel?

-Where do we start?

OK. You're going to need a sparring partner. Someone to role-play with.

Well, perhaps I might be able to help.

I don't think this is really your field, Mrs Tembe.

Oh. I think you'd be surprised, Dr Carmichael.

OK. OK.

So, Ruhma, you stand here, Mrs Tembe, here, face-to-face!

-Right.

-Right, like this?

-Yeah. That's perfect.

Now, look each other right in the eye.

-Now, Mrs Tembe?

-Yes?

Give us your best Heston.

Me? Do Dr Carter?!

I can't argue properly with Ruhma!

You seemed to be doing pretty well in there.

Well, that's just shouting.

And then Ruhma stares at me, like I'm some petulant schoolboy,

which I prove by sulking.

How do you usually resolve things?

Well, I calm down and, er...then we forget about it

and carry on like nothing has happened.

I just wish I could get a bit better at it.

It'd be good if Jimmi was here.

Jimmi is very composed in an argument.

-Daniel?

-What?

Come on, you live with one of the world's most argumentative women and you seem to do all right.

It's years of dedicated practice, but...

I would appreciate any tips.

All right. You're overcomplicating it.

OK, how do I not overcomplicate things?

You have to make her believe that you are listening.

Then you wait for the right moment, when her guard is down

and she thinks she's won,

then you quietly make your point and win her over.

It's a waiting game.

-Like chess?

-Yep.

-Or trout-tickling.

-Is it?

No, no, carry on, Daniel, I could do with your help.

All right, you're going to need to be put through your paces.

And you will need a sparring partner.

Whoa! Role-play! Brilliant!

Me? No, I...I couldn't play Ruhma!

I really wish you'd listened to the whole story before you jumped in.

-AS HESTON:

-Sister Hanif, you are...

No, no. Because he wouldn't call me that, would he?

OK. Well, let's just not worry about names, let's just worry about content.

Mrs Tembe. Dr Carter, your move.

-AS HESTON:

-Sister...

You are a strong and intelligent woman.

Perhaps we could discuss this over a nice cup of Lapsang Souchong?

Er...the point is that if you had listened,

you'd have understood the quality of the book is not the issue.

-The issue is...

-You need to interrupt her.

But I do not want to be rude.

-You're not you, you're Heston.

-Dr Carter is never rude!

Are we talking about the same person?

You need to interrupt her, so go on!

Right, the issue is that Helen clearly got something from that book that she found helpful.

-AS HESTON:

-Right, yes, you make a very good point here.

What?! No!

You are making a very good point and, er...I would like to apologise.

Mrs Tembe, what are you doing?

I am being Dr Carter, like you asked!

But you're being too nice!

Dr Carter is a nice man!

-This is never going to work.

-Well, I am sorry!

I refuse to be a nasty version of Dr Carter if I do not believe it!

All right, Mrs Tembe, you may stand down.

You are relieved of being Dr Carter.

Well, thank you. I was finding the whole thing very stressful.

What are we going to do now?

I suppose I'm going to have to do Dr Carter.

Whilst I appreciate that your patient reported a positive outcome,

that is in no way connected to

the book's efficacy as a relation...

-Are you listening to anything I'm saying?

-AS RUHMA:

-Of course, love.

I hang on every word you say.

But since neither of us have read that book,

how can we make any comment on its efficacious nature?

Al? What are you doing?

-AS RUHMA:

-I'm doing the Ruhma...Ruhma Hanif voice.

-She doesn't sound like that.

-She sounds like that.

-AS RUHMA:

-Al, can I have a cup of tea?

She sounds much more...like this.

-DEEP VOICE:

-That...that...that's how she sounds.

That's Mrs Tembe.

-AS MRS TEMBE:

-Dr Carter, what are you doing?

Wait, wait, wait!

Boys, um...can we get back on track?

Fine, you do it.

-No.

-Come on, we've both done her.

OK. All right. Um... Hm!

AS RUHMA: You can't just dismiss a book like that.

That's very good, but this is not really helping me.

This isn't really my bag.

I prefer fact-based arguments, I can't do emotional mind games.

Can you do Ruhma?

-OK, if that's what you want.

-Without the voice.

Absolutely. OK, fine, let's go.

Um...I'm going to make a point and I want you to challenge me...

Can we just get on with it?

Without losing your temper. OK?

-AS HESTON:

-That is a textbook example of female nonsense!

And what about men and their nonsense?

Every war in history was started by a man.

-AS HESTON:

-What's that got to do with anything?

We're not talking about war, we're talking about this...this ludicrous book...!

-Will you just stop saying ludicrous?!

-That's really good, but don't raise your voice.

If you lose your temper, you lose the argument. It's a sign of weakness.

Mrs Tembe?

-Yes?

-Thoughts?

Well, er... Yes, er...

Well, I listened to what you have said

in terms of the general conversation and I, er...

Well, you are probably right, Dr Carmichael.

See?

OK. So I...I don't raise my voice.

I stay calm, no matter what.

And I give him enough rope to hang himself.

And then I do Dr Carter.

What if she doesn't have any weaknesses?

Everyone's got weaknesses.

It's just a question of you letting her think she's right

until she reveals what hers are.

OK. Try me again.

OK. Hm!

AS RUHMA: Men have to be seen to be right.

That is simply not true, and I thought we said no voice?

Don't change the subject.

OK, fine. All right, um...

You can't acknowledge when you're wrong because it makes you seem weak.

That's complete nonsense!

OK, don't raise your voice. The moment you do that, she's won.

Let her be the one to lose her temper and then you win, right?

Keep the high ground.

-AS HESTON:

-I...I absolutely don't accept what you're saying!

I realise, Heston, that you find this new concept difficult to understand,

which is completely unsurprising, since you are a man!

Better! But be careful not to give him any ammunition, though.

Cliches, generalisations, they are all grist to his mill.

What mill? What's going on?

Well, er... Well, Dr Carmichael was just offering

the benefits of her experience of how to, um...

-Bake better bread.

-Mm.

OK.

You had better get those sandwiches to the boys.

They'll be starving. They're in Heston's room.

-Oh, OK. I guess I'll see you later, then.

-Hm-hm!

-OK, what is....?

-Uh-huh!

-OK, the coast is clear.

-It's a great relief to us all(!)

-You have to stop jumping in all the time.

-Mansplaining.

-That's not even a word.

-See?

-Sandwiches, boys.

-Ooo, finally. I'm ravenous!

Something very strange is going on in the staffroom.

Tell us something we don't know.

No, no, um...Zara was arguing with Ruhma.

-About what?

-Something to do with baking.

-Women!

-Except the funny thing was, Ruhma was calling Zara a man

and saying that's why she didn't know anything about baking.

Hey! They're role-playing, too!

You're right.

Don't be ridiculous! They've probably forgotten all about it.

No. No, no. Zara's got her teeth into this one, there's no chance of that.

Why don't I just apologise?

Why would you do that? That's exactly what she wants you to do.

I really don't care.

No, no. You've got a chance of winning this one, OK?

We need to know what they're planning.

We need some insider info.

How are you going to do that, send a spy into the staffroom?

-ZARA AS HESTON:

-I simply don't agree!

RUHMA: Just because you don't agree with something, it doesn't...

I'm sorry, I can't take it seriously.

-MRS TEMBE:

-Yeah, well, I'm not surprised!

-AYESHA:

-After this, arguing with the real thing is going to be a piece of...

-ZARA:

-OK, look, everyone, please let's just try and focus.

-ZARA AS HESTON:

-Ruhma, as I have said before,

I simply think that you are misunderstanding me.

RUHMA: And if you would just listen to me, Heston,

when you speak over me, it's a real clear sign that you are wrong.

-AYESHA:

-Like that isn't going to wind him up much(!)

-MRS TEMBE:

-Nurse Lee is right. We have taken this far enough.

Oi!

-Hi!

-What are you doing?

-Well, I was just, um...

-Right, that's it! Come on!

-Did you lose something, gentlemen?

-No comment.

Worst spy ever.

Heston, you and I need to have a chat, don't we?

-OK, now's your chance.

-Show her who's boss.

-Heston!

-Coming!

-What happened?

-I-I-I got caught.

-(They're coming.)

-Hm!

I was practising on it.

I look like a potato.

It's not supposed to be accurate.

Is there anything you want to say to me?

I'm happy for you to go first.

No, don't let her go first!

-He's a fish in a barrel.

-This is painful!

..Hear me out earlier. Helen has had a very tough time,

and this book, it's clearly helped their relationship.

I thought you'd be at least interested...

-I appreciate that, but...

-Can I just finish, please?

You seemed to have taken it as a personal affront that a book even exists

suggesting men are somehow different to women.

That's not what I said!

Heston, you invited me to speak first.

Do you want to change your mind?

Go ahead.

In this one lunch break, you've displayed all the characteristics

this book describes, proving that what it's got to say is correct.

-I haven't.

-You've been afraid of challenge and change.

-I am not.

You've been too scared to admit your own vulnerabilities.

And, yet again, unable to accept that you are wrong.

But I'm not wrong! I am right!

And this whole argument proves my point!

-You're doing it again.

-Sue me! Because I am right, Ruhma!

Because of this stupid book, you have spent the day

arguing with my picture on a chocolate cupcake!

-It's a tiramisu.

-The flavour's irrelevant!

Right, that is it, I am going in there.

No, Dr Carmichael!

This is not your fight.

A chocolate tiramisu cupcake versus a sandwich.

Right, that evens it up.

Everybody, place your bets! Who's going to win?

You've just put my face on a bacon sandwich.

I am not falling for that mock-offended...

It could just have easily been egg and cress, the point still stands!

As does mine.

I suggest that we agree that you were wrong, which you are,

and we move on like rational, sensible adults.

What do you say?

So, that didn't go so well?

What makes you think that?

Well, there was all that shouting and petulance for a start.

Yeah, but every crisis is an opportunity

so why don't we review the failure and learn from it?

OK. Next time I won't give her any more ammunition

by losing my temper and putting her photo on a bacon sandwich.

Is that enough "learning" for you?

I appreciate you're upset...

I'm not upset. I'm mortified that I let myself down.

Yes, you did. And, quite frankly, you let the team down.

No, I don't think you've let anyone down.

I just think this is a stupid argument that's got way out of hand

and you should probably just apologise and move on.

Whoa, hold your horses. Who said anything about apologising?

No, no. We know their tactics now. I bet you the next time you'll win.

I don't care. There's less than an hour's lunch left.

Sid is right. I'm going to go and apologise.

No, no, no, I'm afraid we can't let you do that, sunshine.

No, no. This isn't about you and Ruhma any more.

You're arguing for men everywhere.

Now, you're going to go back in there and you're going to win.

But we're not going to send you back in there empty-handed.

We're going to get you some inside information.

OK?

Oh, no, no, not again. No.

Yeah, Sid. We need some information from that book.

Forget about it! I'm not going back in there.

Me?

-Yeah, you.

-No, I...

I couldn't possibly do that.

I so wish I could have seen his face.

Well, I must say I did feel sorry for Dr Carter.

He brought it on himself.

No. You're right, Mrs Tembe. I went too far with the bacon sandwich.

You didn't start it.

No, but I'm going to finish it. I'm going to go and apologise.

Finally!

If you do that, you will simply perpetuate the idea

that women are the weaker sex.

Dr Carmichael, do you not think you are overreacting?

Just for a change.

It's over, Zara.

I cannot believe you're going to apologise.

After all the hard work we've done,

-you're just going to roll over and let Daniel win!

-Heston.

Heston. Whatever.

Well, I want no part of this.

You can apologise for all I care. Good luck with your loser afternoon.

Zara...

There you go. Sanity finally restored. Took long enough.

-I thought you were going to apologise.

-Yeah, I will in a bit.

I'm going to just let him sweat it out a bit longer.

We'll have a nice cup of tea before I make the peace.

Well...

-I think you are doing the right thing.

-Thank you.

I am very proud of you, Sister Hanif.

It feels good, you know? Being the bigger person.

Let bygones be bygones. Take the higher ground...

What the...

This isn't what it looks like.

Something's wrong. It shouldn't be taking this long.

Maybe he's being cautious. After all, he doesn't want to get caught.

All right, don't rub it in.

Oh! Thank goodness.

We thought, um...

You got caught, didn't you?

Sister Hanif requests the pleasure of your company on the patio.

Requests?

More like demands.

OK. It's the moment of truth, Heston. Third time's a charm.

We're all counting on you, OK?

OK.

I'm confused.

So am I.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you or not listen to you...

..or anything.

I know. I'm sorry too.

I have to get better at this...arguing.

We both do. It's not just you who finds it hard.

Just because I disagree with you,

it doesn't mean that I don't love you or respect you.

Snap.

I promise I will try and get better at it.

That's not good enough.

What do you mean?

You can't promise to try.

You might as well promise to fail.

All right, I promise I will get better at it.

So do I.

I didn't know you kept a picture of me in your wallet.

Always useful for putting on a bacon sandwich.

Aren't we missing something?

I don't know. Are we?

Well, if this is us kissing and making up...

shouldn't we...?

KNOCK ON THE WINDOW

You know, I can't help feeling

we would have got through this much sooner...

..if we didn't have a little help from our friends?

I think you're right.

That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me.

What is?

That I'm right. Can I have it in writing?

All this trouble for a stupid book.

How do you know it's stupid? Have you read it?

-I don't need to...

-Oh, please. Please do not start this again.

Can't we all just agree to disagree?

Not when we're right and you're wrong. Which, by the way, is always.

That's the trouble. You tar us all with the same brush,

-just like the book.

-Well, there can be no argument

about who did the best impersonation of Ruhma.

Mine was absolutely inspired.

Yeah, by Monty Python.

Which is why I had to take over.

All right, Ronni Ancona, let's hear yours.

I've got to hear this!

No. No. We have to get back to work in a few minutes.

I want to put this whole lunch break behind us.

The whole thing has been a spectacular waste of my time and energy.

I wouldn't say that.

We found it very useful, didn't we?

-Invaluable.

-That's because you had the best coach.

No, let's put that to bed right now.

Ruhma had the best coach and I did the best impersonation hands down.

I never cease to be amazed by the scale of your sheer conceit.

The scale of my sheer conceit? Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me, Dr Vain?

Are we seriously doing this again?

I wouldn't get involved.

Oh, what's up Sid? Have you finally developed a backbone?

Who rattled your cage? What have I said?

I could try making another reservation but

I think it'll be quite some time.

I can't wait. I hear they do a spectacular Eggs Benedict.

-Oh, is that wise?

-Well, it might help another couple.

You know, I think you might be right.

I know that I am.

-ZARA:

-Just you say that again, Daniel Granger!

-DANIEL:

-I will if you stop shrieking at me!

-Oh, undercutting me with a whisper?

-(Let's go.)

Just you say that again, Daniel!

So you condone what he's done?

No, not the act. No, I don't.

But you think it's fine

for him to go on working with and teaching women?

I can't help wondering, though, what the baby would have been like.

What it would have been like, maybe bringing them here.

And what is so wrong with Christian virtues?

You think it's an exclusively Christian thing?

No, I do not!