Saturated Doctors

QUIET PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Don't worry about anyone else.

Focus on you, what you are doing.

Do not be distracted by anyone.

UPTEMPO BRASS MUSIC PLAYS

-Morning.

-Hi. Good morning.

Oh!

MUSIC CONTINUES

HE IMPERSONATES BRASS INSTRUMENT

OK, "prickle."

-Prickle, Joe, prickle!

-No.

Look, come on, there's only five words left. Prickle.

It's your spelling test tomorrow, Joe. You need to concentrate.

Look, I'm coming to your school today to be a reading auntie

just so I can spend more time with you.

Now, that's going to be nice, isn't it?

No!

Joe! OK, that is it.

You're going to have to do your spellings tonight which means you can't go to Beavers.

-No!

-Joe!

You need to learn that you have to work at some things in life.

Just go and get your coat otherwise we're going to be late.

What are you doing there? I told you to get in the car.

How come you're reading that again?

There are plenty of other books to be reading other than Harry Potter.

Useful things.

Ignore me, then.

Get in the car.

Right. Let's use the time...

An embedded relative clause?

A subjunctive clause in the middle of a sentence

that tells you more about the main clause.

-A frontal abverbial?

-A lead-in that acts as an adverb.

Good. A subjunctive mood?

-A verb form used to express a wish, a suggestion or a command.

-Hm.

You've just got to stop sulking, Joe.

I'm not going to change my mind.

You're not going to Beavers, and that is the end of it.

Morning, Mrs Williams.

Good morning. Oh, dear, someone doesn't look very happy.

Someone is having one of those days. Come on, darling.

We are going to have a nice time.

Are you all right, darling?

Some people have no idea what's going on around them.

Come on, Joe. Come with me.

You can do this.

Good luck, baby.

You nearly hit us!

-I'm sorry?

-Just now.

-At the crossing.

-Oh, yes. I apologised.

-You waved from the window. That's hardly an apology.

-OK.

-I'm sorry.

-Well, you don't seem it.

Not content with nearly killing us, you're now parked on yellow lines.

Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?

I'm not parked anywhere!

I'm dropping off my daughter

because I don't want her to be late for her mock SATS,

so mind your own business!

Can you not shout, please, in front of my son?!

Don't lecture me, then.

I am merely saying that you should have more consideration

for other people's children.

Ha! You're the last person I'd take advice from

about being considerate to other people's children.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I know who you are.

You're that saucy doctor who decided to have it off

with her husband next to a kids' playground.

Very responsible parenting, I don't think.

That has nothing to do with this.

It has everything to do with it,

if you think you can lecture me on how to behave around children.

It's why I got elected school governor and you didn't.

So perhaps you should learn to keep your legs and your trap shut

before dishing out advice.

Mrs Tembe, have we got a new receptionist?

-Yes, she's temporary...

-Oh.

-..just so I can sort this out.

Are you still covering all bases, cos you must be exhausted?

Well, needs must until Miss Pitman and Mrs Hollins return.

She's a very good receptionist, but she does need support.

Well, don't kill yourself.

Oh! I got this for Jimmi.

Oh, I'm sure he's going to love that, thank you.

First Karen and Valerie, now Jimmi.

Thank goodness you and I are on top form otherwise the Mill would come to a standstill.

-Oh, Dr Carmichael, what are you doing here?

-I'm reading with 1G.

Of course you are. Our new reading auntie.

-How's it going? Are you enjoying yourself?

-I am, actually.

It's quite relaxing in a funny sort of way.

I know exactly what you mean.

I escape my office and do it as often as I can. Best bit of my week.

But don't tell anyone! Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, too.

We appreciate it, and I know the children do, too. Thank you.

You are so welcome.

There is a smell emanating from this room.

I can only describe it like sugared puke.

Yeah? Must be something the cleaner's using.

Cleaner! If she tries to use it in my room there will be trouble.

What do you want, Al, cos I'm working?

All work and no play made Jack Nicholson attack Scatman Crothers with an axe.

But I don't come bearing an axe. I come bearing a treat.

What are you going on about?

PRETENDS TO PLAY INSTRUMENT

What was that?

-The tickets! I got them.

-What tickets? What tickets?

For the Beer and Brass Fest, remember?

I talked about booking them. They came available this morning.

I booked us two. You play the trumpet,

I'll be the drums. Five, six, seven, eight.

Jimmi, why am I sensing a distinct lack of enthusiasm?

-Cos I can't go.

-What do you mean, you can't go?

-I'm going away.

-What do you mean, you're going away?

I mean I'm going away!

For your second paper, you have 45 minutes to answer 49 questions.

No talking. If you need to go to the toilet, you put your hand up.

The time is starting now so you may turn over your question papers.

'Focus on you, what you are doing.

'Do not be distracted by anyone.

'Focus...focus... What you are doing.

'Distracted... Focus... Focus... Focus...'

So let's re-cap.

Thailand, six weeks...

..a Buddhist retreat.

Yeah.

Nah. No, this is some elaborate gag

because of how I was with your Vita course.

No, you're not going.

You're going to come to the Beer and Brass Festival with me.

Jimmi, there is no way you're going to swap an all-encompassing God

with a philosophical Buddha.

Nope. Dude, you're coming to the festival. It's a joke, isn't it?

You're serious?

When?

-Today.

-As in yesterday's tomorrow today?

Huh.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

So this is actually quite a difficult word. Rumbustious. But you can...

Sorry to disturb you, Dr Carmichael. We need your assistance.

It's urgent.

That's mine.

It is.

How are you feeling?

Tired.

Where am I?

You're in the sickbay at school.

You're safe and your mum's on her way in.

Why am I here?

You don't remember?

No.

Nothing at all?

I...

Hey, look, it doesn't matter.

It's perfectly normal not to remember things sometimes.

You passed out in the exam hall.

-I fainted?

-Sort of.

You're the woman Mummy nearly ran into.

I am, yes. I'm also a doctor,

and Mrs O'Hare asked me to check you over, which I did,

and you're fine. Look, I have my whole bag of tricks in the car.

-You know, I have never read this.

-I have. Six times.

-Six times? Wow. It must be good.

-It used to be my favourite.

-Used to?

-I haven't read it for ages.

But you're reading it now?

No, I just like having it with me.

-Why?

-It makes me feel safe.

Did I finish my grammar and spelling exam?

I don't know, but it doesn't matter, though.

Of course it does! It's the only thing that does matter.

You have no idea what it's like to be 11 years old.

You're right, I don't.

Why don't you tell me all about it?

Hard at it, Dr Vere?

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm brilliant.

-Thank you, Mrs Tembe.

-What was that for?

For this.

It's the same edition my dad used to read to me when I was a kid.

Still got the same pictures and everything. Look.

It is lovely. That is a classic story.

Yeah, it is. I used to love these adventures when I was small.

-I really wanted to be a Lost Boy.

-Didn't we all?

I didn't realise how well-written it was back then.

Listen to this.

"All children, except one, grow up.

"They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this.

"One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden,

"and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother.

"I suppose she must have looked rather delightful,

"for Mrs Darling put her hand to her heart and cried,

"'Oh, why can't you remain like this for ever!'

"This was all that passed between them on the subject,

"but henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up.

"You always know after you are two.

"Two is the beginning of the end."

Mm.

-That is very beautiful.

-Yeah, it is, isn't it?

I used to love the summer holidays.

We'd go camping in France and do nothing but swim and read

and eat cheese and bread. But that was before...

Before...what?

-Did you go camping last summer?

-No. I had to revise.

-For what?

-My 11-plus.

-What? All summer?

-Most of it.

Sounds a bit harsh.

How did you get on?

I failed.

And how do you feel about that?

I let Mum down.

It's going to be all right.

I'm going to take the test again in a couple of years.

-Can you do that?

-At 13. I've got a tutor

and go to Saturday morning homework club. I'm working really hard.

It sounds very busy.

I had to give up netball and swimming, but it's worth it.

I'm going to pass all my SATS, too.

Everyone's going to going to see that I really deserve to go to the grammar school.

It was lovely to see you again, Mrs Clarke.

-Hopefully, I won't have to see you again so soon.

-Thank you.

SHE MUTTERS

-Free fruit? Don't mind if I do.

-No, put that back.

-That is for my lunch.

-Sorry, Mrs Tembe. Here you are.

-W...

What's up with you?

Nothing.

I did see you taking those painkillers in the staffroom.

-Come on - what have you done to yourself?

-It is nothing.

I pulled something while I was lifting a box of books, that is all.

Well, it doesn't look like nothing.

With your history of back problems, you need to be careful, Mrs Tembe.

You know that. Why don't you ring your doctor and book an appointment?

Dr Vere, I am far too busy looking after the welfare of the patients,

and I certainly do not have the time to become a patient myself.

That's not a very sensible attitude, is it?

Yes, well, it is what it is.

What do you think you are doing?

-I'm thinking of eating it, Mrs Tembe.

-Well, that is mine.

I don't want to eat it.

But I will unless you ring your doctor and go and get checked out.

Dr Vere, put the apple back on the counter!

It smells good, Mrs Tembe.

Right, fine. Fine. Eat it.

You can't ignore your body, Mrs Tembe.

Please, just ring your doctor.

All right. All right.

-You see?

-Thank you.

It is ringing.

It sounds brilliant, the way that you've described it to me.

I predict that this Harry Potter fellow is going to be a big success.

She's just through here, Mrs Jones. Look who I found.

Oh, baby!

I'm all right, Mummy.

What happened?

I don't know. I felt funny and when I woke up Zara was here.

Was she? And what was she doing here?

Dr Carmichael happened to be in the infant school.

She's been very kind and helped us with Emily. Do you know each other?

We met this morning.

Oh, that's handy.

Mrs Jones is one of our governors.

Yes. She informed me.

Emily has been very brave, haven't you?

-Do you know what happened to her?

-She had a convulsion.

Convulsions? Like a fit? An epileptic fit?

It could be, but not necessarily.

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

It's impossible to tell without tests.

But she's all right now? She's not in any immediate danger, is she?

No, I checked her over and she does seem to be fine.

Oh. That's good news.

So, I will leave you guys to it.

You need to make an appointment for her to see her GP

and make a referral to see a paediatrician as soon as possible.

Thank you, Doctor.

You're welcome.

How far did Emily get through her grammar and spelling test?

-Oh, she didn't even start.

-Oh. That's a shame.

Is there any chance she could re-sit it this afternoon?

Mrs Jones, I think Emily's been through enough for today...

But she's in no immediate danger. You heard.

That's right, isn't it?

I really would not advise...

It's just that she's been working so hard.

It would be a great blow if she was unable to get a mark.

You'd like to re-sit the test, wouldn't you, darling?

I...

Mrs Jones, could I have a word, outside?

Hm.

-Thanks, Mrs Harold. See you.

-Yeah, bye, Mrs Harold. Take care.

-Are you having some kind of midlife crisis?

-No.

-Has something happened that I don't know about?

-Like what?

I don't know. Something awful happened. Earth-shattering.

Not that I'm aware of, no.

Then where, oh where, has Buddhism come from?

You!

-From me?!

-Yeah, you! You found a book in Mrs Tembe's library.

Buddhism: The Basic Tenets. I read it. I liked it.

I read another one, I liked that.

I started practising.

I totally remember that now. I'm an idiot.

Do you know what? You're an idiot, too.

Because Buddhism is just another sham religion like your Vita course.

Ah, well, it's more philosophy than religion.

Right, and how much is this philosophy costing you?

It's not about the money, is it? It's about looking after myself.

That's got to be a good thing.

Jimmi, you don't need a security blanket!

It's not a security blanket. It's an opportunity to discover things about myself.

There's one thing that you need to discover about yourself

and listen closely cos I'll save you an absolute fortune.

You are insignificant. Me, I am insignificant.

In the grand cosmic scale of things,

me and you are indistinguishable from a leaf.

Hm. That sounds pretty Buddhist to me.

Emily seems postictal which means that she is groggy and confused.

-She is in no condition to take an exam today.

-I agree.

If Emily wants to re-sit the test, then she can do it another day.

-But she's been working so hard.

-Give her a break!

It's too much stress.

She has just been through a traumatic experience.

She's my daughter! I think I know her better than you.

If she can sit up in bed and read Harry Potter, then she can sit a 45-minute test.

In my medical opinion...

At no point have I asked you for your opinion, medical or otherwise.

-So please just back off!

-Mrs Jones!

I think we all need to calm down here, don't you? Please!

I'm sorry.

I didn't...

It's OK.

I just have Emily's wellbeing at the forefront of my mind.

So do I.

Emily, we're talking. We'll be through in a minute.

Go and sit back down.

Emily, please!

Just lie back down on the bed.

She's fitting.

I don't need you to worry about me.

Of course I'm going to worry about you!

You're going all the way round the world to have people fiddle with your head.

What if that brings on depression? What if it brings on OCD?

-It's not going to, is it?

-How do you know?

-It's not going to!

There's no evidence whatsoever that Buddhism brings on depression.

That we know of.

Al, and as far as OCD's concerned, it calms you down.

Why can't you be my mate and support me?

I am being your mate! I don't understand why you're running away.

I'm not running aw...

Do you know what, I don't need this.

I don't need you in my room being all negative and undermining me.

Just get out my office.

DOOR SLAMS

Did I do this to her?

What do you mean?

-You said that it could have happened because of stress.

-Could.

Not definitely.

There are many other physical causes that need to be explored first.

You cannot blame yourself.

I threw my husband out a year ago - he was sleeping with his PA.

Money's so tight. And I've become a...grumpy cow.

Well, we can all be prone to that sometimes.

When Emily failed her 11-plus, it was a blow.

It was the only way I could afford to get her into a decent school.

You know what the state schools are like around here.

She used to love school.

Now she hates it.

She hasn't read this in years.

I don't know what she's doing with it now.

She told me it makes her feel safe.

Did she say that?

She's just a little girl.

What have I done?

Certainly. Goodbye.

Hello.

How can I help you, Dr Vere?

What time was your doctor's appointment again, Mrs Tembe?

-Oh, well, I, er... I'm still sorting that out.

-Yeah.

I thought so. You owe me an apple.

Yes, well, it's too bad. I have eaten it.

-What do you think you are doing?

-Come on.

I'd like to examine you.

-I really do not have time for this.

-It will take five minutes,

and it will put my mind at rest. And yours.

And it will be far quicker than traipsing off to your own doctor, so please, indulge me.

You are very convincing.

-Thank you.

-Five minutes.

I don't know how to take the pressure off.

How do I tell her that the tests don't matter?

Because they do, don't they?

Tell her... Tell her that she's an amazing daughter and one day

she will become an amazing woman

and it doesn't matter what marks she gets in a test.

But it's a lie. That's not going to help her in the future,

or get her into a university,

or a job that probably doesn't even exist.

Why has the rat race started in primary school?

Mummy?

-I'm right here, baby.

-I'm so tired.

I know, baby, I know.

A hernia?!

Yeah. Feels like it. Only a small one, but it's definitely there.

-Will I need an operation?

-Possibly.

You'll need a surgical assessment first to be absolutely sure.

-And for that you'll need...

-To go to my GP for a referral.

-Exactly.

-Will I have to stop work?

No. I don't think so.

-Not as long as you take it easy.

-I will.

And if you stop lifting heavy boxes full of books,

that'll probably help.

Yes, I hear you, Dr Vere, and of course I will heed your advice.

-Promise?

-I promise.

It feels like a jumper! You know I'm going to Thailand? It's pretty hot in Thailand.

Oh, it is a jumper and I knitted it myself.

-Oh, come on - get on with it!

-He open presents like my grandma!

There's no need to be polite about it - just rip it open.

Oh! Well, that's a hammock!

I'm going to get loads of use out of this. Thank you.

Well, I hope you find what are looking for, Dr Clay.

-Yeah, and come back tanned!

-Yeah, I'll try my best.

Thank you. Thank you.

LOUD BRASS MUSIC PLAYS

Anyone that isn't in the hat's getting eaten... Mmm! Delicious!

-I thought you'd gone.

-I haven't said goodbye, have I?

I'm glad you hung around.

I sold your Beer And Brass Festival ticket. All right?

I made 20 quid. Would you say that's good or bad karma?

I don't know. I'll e-mail you when I find out.

Why didn't you tell me?

Everyone else seems to know.

Because I knew how you'd react.

Why couldn't a Buddhist hoover under his sofa?

Because he didn't have any attachments.

Funny.

How To Speak Man: A User's Guide For The Modern Woman.

-Is this on prescription?

-If it's not, it should be.

Don't worry, Heston, we won't let you go through this alone.

-Through what?

-That's the spirit.

This is no longer a lunch break, ladies. This is war.

-I'm going to go and apologise.

-Finally.

If you do that,

you will simply perpetuate the idea that woman are the weaker sex!