Saturated Doctors


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QUIET PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

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Don't worry about anyone else.

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Focus on you, what you are doing.

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Do not be distracted by anyone.

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UPTEMPO BRASS MUSIC PLAYS

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-Morning.

-Hi. Good morning.

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Oh!

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MUSIC CONTINUES

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HE IMPERSONATES BRASS INSTRUMENT

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OK, "prickle."

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-Prickle, Joe, prickle!

-No.

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Look, come on, there's only five words left. Prickle.

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It's your spelling test tomorrow, Joe. You need to concentrate.

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Look, I'm coming to your school today to be a reading auntie

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just so I can spend more time with you.

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Now, that's going to be nice, isn't it?

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No!

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Joe! OK, that is it.

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You're going to have to do your spellings tonight which means you can't go to Beavers.

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-No!

-Joe!

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You need to learn that you have to work at some things in life.

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Just go and get your coat otherwise we're going to be late.

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What are you doing there? I told you to get in the car.

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How come you're reading that again?

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There are plenty of other books to be reading other than Harry Potter.

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Useful things.

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Ignore me, then.

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Get in the car.

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Right. Let's use the time...

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An embedded relative clause?

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A subjunctive clause in the middle of a sentence

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that tells you more about the main clause.

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-A frontal abverbial?

-A lead-in that acts as an adverb.

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Good. A subjunctive mood?

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-A verb form used to express a wish, a suggestion or a command.

-Hm.

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You've just got to stop sulking, Joe.

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I'm not going to change my mind.

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You're not going to Beavers, and that is the end of it.

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Morning, Mrs Williams.

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Good morning. Oh, dear, someone doesn't look very happy.

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Someone is having one of those days. Come on, darling.

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We are going to have a nice time.

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Are you all right, darling?

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Some people have no idea what's going on around them.

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Come on, Joe. Come with me.

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You can do this.

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Good luck, baby.

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You nearly hit us!

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-I'm sorry?

-Just now.

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-At the crossing.

-Oh, yes. I apologised.

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-You waved from the window. That's hardly an apology.

-OK.

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-I'm sorry.

-Well, you don't seem it.

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Not content with nearly killing us, you're now parked on yellow lines.

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Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?

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I'm not parked anywhere!

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I'm dropping off my daughter

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because I don't want her to be late for her mock SATS,

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so mind your own business!

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Can you not shout, please, in front of my son?!

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Don't lecture me, then.

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I am merely saying that you should have more consideration

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for other people's children.

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Ha! You're the last person I'd take advice from

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about being considerate to other people's children.

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What's that supposed to mean?

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It means I know who you are.

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You're that saucy doctor who decided to have it off

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with her husband next to a kids' playground.

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Very responsible parenting, I don't think.

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That has nothing to do with this.

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It has everything to do with it,

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if you think you can lecture me on how to behave around children.

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It's why I got elected school governor and you didn't.

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So perhaps you should learn to keep your legs and your trap shut

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before dishing out advice.

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Mrs Tembe, have we got a new receptionist?

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-Yes, she's temporary...

-Oh.

-..just so I can sort this out.

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Are you still covering all bases, cos you must be exhausted?

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Well, needs must until Miss Pitman and Mrs Hollins return.

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She's a very good receptionist, but she does need support.

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Well, don't kill yourself.

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Oh! I got this for Jimmi.

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Oh, I'm sure he's going to love that, thank you.

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First Karen and Valerie, now Jimmi.

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Thank goodness you and I are on top form otherwise the Mill would come to a standstill.

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-Oh, Dr Carmichael, what are you doing here?

-I'm reading with 1G.

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Of course you are. Our new reading auntie.

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-How's it going? Are you enjoying yourself?

-I am, actually.

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It's quite relaxing in a funny sort of way.

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I know exactly what you mean.

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I escape my office and do it as often as I can. Best bit of my week.

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But don't tell anyone! Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, too.

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We appreciate it, and I know the children do, too. Thank you.

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You are so welcome.

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There is a smell emanating from this room.

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I can only describe it like sugared puke.

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Yeah? Must be something the cleaner's using.

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Cleaner! If she tries to use it in my room there will be trouble.

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What do you want, Al, cos I'm working?

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All work and no play made Jack Nicholson attack Scatman Crothers with an axe.

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But I don't come bearing an axe. I come bearing a treat.

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What are you going on about?

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PRETENDS TO PLAY INSTRUMENT

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What was that?

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-The tickets! I got them.

-What tickets? What tickets?

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For the Beer and Brass Fest, remember?

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I talked about booking them. They came available this morning.

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I booked us two. You play the trumpet,

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I'll be the drums. Five, six, seven, eight.

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Jimmi, why am I sensing a distinct lack of enthusiasm?

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-Cos I can't go.

-What do you mean, you can't go?

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-I'm going away.

-What do you mean, you're going away?

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I mean I'm going away!

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For your second paper, you have 45 minutes to answer 49 questions.

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No talking. If you need to go to the toilet, you put your hand up.

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The time is starting now so you may turn over your question papers.

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'Focus on you, what you are doing.

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'Do not be distracted by anyone.

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'Focus...focus... What you are doing.

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'Distracted... Focus... Focus... Focus...'

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So let's re-cap.

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Thailand, six weeks...

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..a Buddhist retreat.

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Yeah.

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Nah. No, this is some elaborate gag

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because of how I was with your Vita course.

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No, you're not going.

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You're going to come to the Beer and Brass Festival with me.

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Jimmi, there is no way you're going to swap an all-encompassing God

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with a philosophical Buddha.

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Nope. Dude, you're coming to the festival. It's a joke, isn't it?

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You're serious?

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When?

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-Today.

-As in yesterday's tomorrow today?

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Huh.

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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

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Make me one with everything.

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So this is actually quite a difficult word. Rumbustious. But you can...

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Sorry to disturb you, Dr Carmichael. We need your assistance.

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It's urgent.

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That's mine.

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It is.

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How are you feeling?

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Tired.

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Where am I?

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You're in the sickbay at school.

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You're safe and your mum's on her way in.

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Why am I here?

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You don't remember?

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No.

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Nothing at all?

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I...

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Hey, look, it doesn't matter.

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It's perfectly normal not to remember things sometimes.

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You passed out in the exam hall.

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-I fainted?

-Sort of.

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You're the woman Mummy nearly ran into.

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I am, yes. I'm also a doctor,

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and Mrs O'Hare asked me to check you over, which I did,

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and you're fine. Look, I have my whole bag of tricks in the car.

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-You know, I have never read this.

-I have. Six times.

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-Six times? Wow. It must be good.

-It used to be my favourite.

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-Used to?

-I haven't read it for ages.

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But you're reading it now?

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No, I just like having it with me.

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-Why?

-It makes me feel safe.

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Did I finish my grammar and spelling exam?

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I don't know, but it doesn't matter, though.

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Of course it does! It's the only thing that does matter.

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You have no idea what it's like to be 11 years old.

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You're right, I don't.

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Why don't you tell me all about it?

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Hard at it, Dr Vere?

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-Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm brilliant.

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-Thank you, Mrs Tembe.

-What was that for?

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For this.

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It's the same edition my dad used to read to me when I was a kid.

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Still got the same pictures and everything. Look.

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It is lovely. That is a classic story.

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Yeah, it is. I used to love these adventures when I was small.

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-I really wanted to be a Lost Boy.

-Didn't we all?

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I didn't realise how well-written it was back then.

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Listen to this.

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"All children, except one, grow up.

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"They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this.

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"One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden,

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"and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother.

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"I suppose she must have looked rather delightful,

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"for Mrs Darling put her hand to her heart and cried,

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"'Oh, why can't you remain like this for ever!'

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"This was all that passed between them on the subject,

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"but henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up.

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"You always know after you are two.

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"Two is the beginning of the end."

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Mm.

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-That is very beautiful.

-Yeah, it is, isn't it?

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I used to love the summer holidays.

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We'd go camping in France and do nothing but swim and read

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and eat cheese and bread. But that was before...

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Before...what?

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-Did you go camping last summer?

-No. I had to revise.

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-For what?

-My 11-plus.

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-What? All summer?

-Most of it.

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Sounds a bit harsh.

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How did you get on?

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I failed.

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And how do you feel about that?

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I let Mum down.

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It's going to be all right.

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I'm going to take the test again in a couple of years.

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-Can you do that?

-At 13. I've got a tutor

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and go to Saturday morning homework club. I'm working really hard.

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It sounds very busy.

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I had to give up netball and swimming, but it's worth it.

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I'm going to pass all my SATS, too.

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Everyone's going to going to see that I really deserve to go to the grammar school.

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It was lovely to see you again, Mrs Clarke.

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-Hopefully, I won't have to see you again so soon.

-Thank you.

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SHE MUTTERS

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-Free fruit? Don't mind if I do.

-No, put that back.

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-That is for my lunch.

-Sorry, Mrs Tembe. Here you are.

-W...

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What's up with you?

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Nothing.

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I did see you taking those painkillers in the staffroom.

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-Come on - what have you done to yourself?

-It is nothing.

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I pulled something while I was lifting a box of books, that is all.

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Well, it doesn't look like nothing.

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With your history of back problems, you need to be careful, Mrs Tembe.

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You know that. Why don't you ring your doctor and book an appointment?

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Dr Vere, I am far too busy looking after the welfare of the patients,

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and I certainly do not have the time to become a patient myself.

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That's not a very sensible attitude, is it?

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Yes, well, it is what it is.

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What do you think you are doing?

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-I'm thinking of eating it, Mrs Tembe.

-Well, that is mine.

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I don't want to eat it.

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But I will unless you ring your doctor and go and get checked out.

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Dr Vere, put the apple back on the counter!

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It smells good, Mrs Tembe.

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Right, fine. Fine. Eat it.

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You can't ignore your body, Mrs Tembe.

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Please, just ring your doctor.

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All right. All right.

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-You see?

-Thank you.

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It is ringing.

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It sounds brilliant, the way that you've described it to me.

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I predict that this Harry Potter fellow is going to be a big success.

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She's just through here, Mrs Jones. Look who I found.

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Oh, baby!

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I'm all right, Mummy.

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What happened?

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I don't know. I felt funny and when I woke up Zara was here.

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Was she? And what was she doing here?

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Dr Carmichael happened to be in the infant school.

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She's been very kind and helped us with Emily. Do you know each other?

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We met this morning.

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Oh, that's handy.

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Mrs Jones is one of our governors.

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Yes. She informed me.

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Emily has been very brave, haven't you?

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-Do you know what happened to her?

-She had a convulsion.

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Convulsions? Like a fit? An epileptic fit?

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It could be, but not necessarily.

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I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

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It's impossible to tell without tests.

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But she's all right now? She's not in any immediate danger, is she?

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No, I checked her over and she does seem to be fine.

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Oh. That's good news.

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So, I will leave you guys to it.

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You need to make an appointment for her to see her GP

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and make a referral to see a paediatrician as soon as possible.

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Thank you, Doctor.

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You're welcome.

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How far did Emily get through her grammar and spelling test?

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-Oh, she didn't even start.

-Oh. That's a shame.

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Is there any chance she could re-sit it this afternoon?

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Mrs Jones, I think Emily's been through enough for today...

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But she's in no immediate danger. You heard.

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That's right, isn't it?

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I really would not advise...

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It's just that she's been working so hard.

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It would be a great blow if she was unable to get a mark.

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You'd like to re-sit the test, wouldn't you, darling?

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I...

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Mrs Jones, could I have a word, outside?

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Hm.

0:17:550:17:57

-Thanks, Mrs Harold. See you.

-Yeah, bye, Mrs Harold. Take care.

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-Are you having some kind of midlife crisis?

-No.

0:18:050:18:07

-Has something happened that I don't know about?

-Like what?

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I don't know. Something awful happened. Earth-shattering.

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Not that I'm aware of, no.

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Then where, oh where, has Buddhism come from?

0:18:160:18:20

You!

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-From me?!

-Yeah, you! You found a book in Mrs Tembe's library.

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Buddhism: The Basic Tenets. I read it. I liked it.

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I read another one, I liked that.

0:18:300:18:32

I started practising.

0:18:320:18:33

I totally remember that now. I'm an idiot.

0:18:330:18:36

Do you know what? You're an idiot, too.

0:18:360:18:38

Because Buddhism is just another sham religion like your Vita course.

0:18:380:18:41

Ah, well, it's more philosophy than religion.

0:18:410:18:43

Right, and how much is this philosophy costing you?

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It's not about the money, is it? It's about looking after myself.

0:18:450:18:48

That's got to be a good thing.

0:18:480:18:50

Jimmi, you don't need a security blanket!

0:18:500:18:51

It's not a security blanket. It's an opportunity to discover things about myself.

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There's one thing that you need to discover about yourself

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and listen closely cos I'll save you an absolute fortune.

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You are insignificant. Me, I am insignificant.

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In the grand cosmic scale of things,

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me and you are indistinguishable from a leaf.

0:19:060:19:08

Hm. That sounds pretty Buddhist to me.

0:19:090:19:11

Emily seems postictal which means that she is groggy and confused.

0:19:140:19:18

-She is in no condition to take an exam today.

-I agree.

0:19:180:19:22

If Emily wants to re-sit the test, then she can do it another day.

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-But she's been working so hard.

-Give her a break!

0:19:250:19:27

It's too much stress.

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She has just been through a traumatic experience.

0:19:290:19:31

She's my daughter! I think I know her better than you.

0:19:310:19:34

If she can sit up in bed and read Harry Potter, then she can sit a 45-minute test.

0:19:340:19:39

In my medical opinion...

0:19:390:19:42

At no point have I asked you for your opinion, medical or otherwise.

0:19:420:19:46

-So please just back off!

-Mrs Jones!

0:19:460:19:49

I think we all need to calm down here, don't you? Please!

0:19:490:19:52

I'm sorry.

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I didn't...

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It's OK.

0:19:590:20:01

I just have Emily's wellbeing at the forefront of my mind.

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So do I.

0:20:060:20:08

Emily, we're talking. We'll be through in a minute.

0:20:110:20:14

Go and sit back down.

0:20:140:20:16

Emily, please!

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Just lie back down on the bed.

0:20:180:20:20

She's fitting.

0:20:210:20:22

I don't need you to worry about me.

0:20:240:20:25

Of course I'm going to worry about you!

0:20:250:20:27

You're going all the way round the world to have people fiddle with your head.

0:20:270:20:32

What if that brings on depression? What if it brings on OCD?

0:20:320:20:35

-It's not going to, is it?

-How do you know?

-It's not going to!

0:20:350:20:38

There's no evidence whatsoever that Buddhism brings on depression.

0:20:380:20:42

That we know of.

0:20:420:20:44

Al, and as far as OCD's concerned, it calms you down.

0:20:440:20:47

Why can't you be my mate and support me?

0:20:470:20:49

I am being your mate! I don't understand why you're running away.

0:20:490:20:52

I'm not running aw...

0:20:520:20:53

Do you know what, I don't need this.

0:20:530:20:55

I don't need you in my room being all negative and undermining me.

0:20:550:20:59

Just get out my office.

0:20:590:21:01

DOOR SLAMS

0:21:080:21:10

Did I do this to her?

0:21:200:21:22

What do you mean?

0:21:220:21:24

-You said that it could have happened because of stress.

-Could.

0:21:270:21:30

Not definitely.

0:21:300:21:32

There are many other physical causes that need to be explored first.

0:21:320:21:37

You cannot blame yourself.

0:21:370:21:39

I threw my husband out a year ago - he was sleeping with his PA.

0:21:430:21:48

Money's so tight. And I've become a...grumpy cow.

0:21:490:21:55

Well, we can all be prone to that sometimes.

0:21:570:22:00

When Emily failed her 11-plus, it was a blow.

0:22:000:22:03

It was the only way I could afford to get her into a decent school.

0:22:040:22:08

You know what the state schools are like around here.

0:22:080:22:11

She used to love school.

0:22:130:22:15

Now she hates it.

0:22:160:22:17

She hasn't read this in years.

0:22:210:22:23

I don't know what she's doing with it now.

0:22:230:22:26

She told me it makes her feel safe.

0:22:280:22:30

Did she say that?

0:22:330:22:34

She's just a little girl.

0:22:470:22:49

What have I done?

0:22:520:22:53

Certainly. Goodbye.

0:22:560:22:58

Hello.

0:22:580:22:59

How can I help you, Dr Vere?

0:22:590:23:02

What time was your doctor's appointment again, Mrs Tembe?

0:23:020:23:05

-Oh, well, I, er... I'm still sorting that out.

-Yeah.

0:23:050:23:10

I thought so. You owe me an apple.

0:23:100:23:12

Yes, well, it's too bad. I have eaten it.

0:23:120:23:15

-What do you think you are doing?

-Come on.

0:23:180:23:21

I'd like to examine you.

0:23:210:23:22

-I really do not have time for this.

-It will take five minutes,

0:23:220:23:25

and it will put my mind at rest. And yours.

0:23:250:23:28

And it will be far quicker than traipsing off to your own doctor, so please, indulge me.

0:23:280:23:32

You are very convincing.

0:23:330:23:36

-Thank you.

-Five minutes.

0:23:360:23:38

I don't know how to take the pressure off.

0:23:480:23:51

How do I tell her that the tests don't matter?

0:23:510:23:54

Because they do, don't they?

0:23:540:23:55

Tell her... Tell her that she's an amazing daughter and one day

0:23:570:24:03

she will become an amazing woman

0:24:030:24:05

and it doesn't matter what marks she gets in a test.

0:24:050:24:08

But it's a lie. That's not going to help her in the future,

0:24:100:24:14

or get her into a university,

0:24:140:24:16

or a job that probably doesn't even exist.

0:24:160:24:18

Why has the rat race started in primary school?

0:24:210:24:23

Mummy?

0:24:260:24:28

-I'm right here, baby.

-I'm so tired.

0:24:290:24:32

I know, baby, I know.

0:24:320:24:34

A hernia?!

0:24:390:24:40

Yeah. Feels like it. Only a small one, but it's definitely there.

0:24:400:24:44

-Will I need an operation?

-Possibly.

0:24:440:24:47

You'll need a surgical assessment first to be absolutely sure.

0:24:470:24:50

-And for that you'll need...

-To go to my GP for a referral.

0:24:500:24:54

-Exactly.

-Will I have to stop work?

0:24:540:24:58

No. I don't think so.

0:24:580:24:59

-Not as long as you take it easy.

-I will.

0:24:590:25:02

And if you stop lifting heavy boxes full of books,

0:25:020:25:05

that'll probably help.

0:25:050:25:06

Yes, I hear you, Dr Vere, and of course I will heed your advice.

0:25:060:25:11

-Promise?

-I promise.

0:25:110:25:14

It feels like a jumper! You know I'm going to Thailand? It's pretty hot in Thailand.

0:25:190:25:22

Oh, it is a jumper and I knitted it myself.

0:25:220:25:25

-Oh, come on - get on with it!

-He open presents like my grandma!

0:25:250:25:29

There's no need to be polite about it - just rip it open.

0:25:290:25:31

Oh! Well, that's a hammock!

0:25:340:25:36

I'm going to get loads of use out of this. Thank you.

0:25:360:25:39

Well, I hope you find what are looking for, Dr Clay.

0:25:390:25:42

-Yeah, and come back tanned!

-Yeah, I'll try my best.

0:25:420:25:45

Thank you. Thank you.

0:25:470:25:48

LOUD BRASS MUSIC PLAYS

0:25:500:25:52

Anyone that isn't in the hat's getting eaten... Mmm! Delicious!

0:25:520:25:57

-I thought you'd gone.

-I haven't said goodbye, have I?

0:26:060:26:11

I'm glad you hung around.

0:26:110:26:13

I sold your Beer And Brass Festival ticket. All right?

0:26:130:26:18

I made 20 quid. Would you say that's good or bad karma?

0:26:180:26:22

I don't know. I'll e-mail you when I find out.

0:26:220:26:26

Why didn't you tell me?

0:26:290:26:31

Everyone else seems to know.

0:26:310:26:33

Because I knew how you'd react.

0:26:330:26:35

Why couldn't a Buddhist hoover under his sofa?

0:26:390:26:43

Because he didn't have any attachments.

0:26:440:26:47

Funny.

0:26:550:26:57

How To Speak Man: A User's Guide For The Modern Woman.

0:27:010:27:04

-Is this on prescription?

-If it's not, it should be.

0:27:040:27:07

Don't worry, Heston, we won't let you go through this alone.

0:27:070:27:09

-Through what?

-That's the spirit.

0:27:090:27:11

This is no longer a lunch break, ladies. This is war.

0:27:110:27:16

-I'm going to go and apologise.

-Finally.

0:27:160:27:18

If you do that,

0:27:180:27:20

you will simply perpetuate the idea that woman are the weaker sex!

0:27:200:27:23

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