A Sticky End Doctors

Now I want you to stand on your toes and reach for the sky.

On my toes? I'm not sure it's physically possible.

Imagine you are an African stork

flying high above the savanna.

Eh?

That takes a great deal of imagination.

Very good, Ms Merriam!

And reach, and reach.

SHE GASPS FOR BREATH

Ms Merriam! Are you all right?!

Shall I get a doctor?

No, no. Just a new pair of lungs, if you can spare them.

Thank goodness!

I-I thought it was your heart.

No. That's still chugging along.

Kabali, why...why don't we work out a signal?

If I'm a little short of breath or a bit puffy,

I'll, er...I'll wave, like this.

-So that you know it's nothing serious, just breathlessness.

-Mm.

I must try not to push you so hard.

It will be a while before you are in shape.

I think I must accept the shape I'm in.

A bit...lumpy and lopsided.

You must never accept things.

We can all become faster and stronger and fitter.

I think I'm a bit old to become an Olympian.

What's the matter?

Kabali...

..you need to know that I won't be here forever.

What do you mean?

Well, there comes a time when you realise

that there isn't much time left.

When you have to sit down to put on a pair of shoes,

or you feel it would be nice to visit an old friend.

And then you remember they all live in the cemetery now.

But you'll be here for years and years to come.

Only if I die and no-one finds the body.

You know, there's a red tin,

a red barrel of biscuits in the kitchen?

-Yes.

-Well, there aren't any biscuits in that barrel.

Just £10,000 in £50 notes.

-I don't want your money.

-Yes.

But one day, you may need it.

Now, how about a cup of tea and a custard cream?

Mm.

-Ginger nut?

-What?

Or a chocolate digestive?

I know that when I am feeling down,

I like to grab a Hobnob and dunk my troubles away.

-There aren't enough biscuits in the world.

-Mm.

-What's up?

-Oh, everything.

The thought of being sat here in ten years' time.

Same life, same job, just no longer able to chew solid food.

Is this because Rob took the mickey out of you?

It didn't help. He's banging on about hip operations.

People are all too ready to take the mickey out of women over the age of 40.

-Mm.

-And the rest.

-Oi!

Oh, look, there's a man with a strange-shaped package.

-Hi, Dave!

-Special delivery from your husband.

-Bye, Dave.

-Hm!

Don't tell me, it's a fondue set(!) Hm-hm!

"Sorry, love."

Aw!

He's going to have to do a lot more than that.

Do you know, I should have a go on this later.

It's been a long time since I moved my hips in rhythmical fashion.

-Ah, let me show you.

-Oh, no, I think I've still got the knack.

I am surrounded by idiots.

I thought you were spending the day with Joe?

No, it's Daniel's turn, if he can drag him away from his computer.

Look, just take all of this out of reception.

OK.

Zara, he's going to love it!

Of course he is. It's going to be fantastic.

Wild adventures in the outdoors, fresh air.

Yeah.

Just think of me as your heterosexual Tarzan.

Yeah. All right, sweetheart, I'll see you later.

Joe! Be careful!

If you just want to go straight through to the nurse's room?

Oh! Look at this! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Rob's bought you a deluxe model. Flashing lights, everything.

Well, I hope the two of you will be very happy together.

Oh, come on, Karen, he is trying.

Look, a friend of mine had one of these

and it did wonders for her self-worth.

-Give it here.

-Huh!

She had a complete makeover.

Bought a sports car, found herself a toy boy.

Yeah, well, I'm having a cup of tea.

Oh. Ah! I would love to find myself a toy boy.

I beg your pardon?

Hello, Mrs Merriam! So lovely to see you.

I have a 1:45 with Dr Carmichael.

Yes, that's right.

Sorry about the toy boy thing, I didn't mean you.

I will go and wait in the car.

Well, you're quite welcome to wait here.

Do you know, for a while, they had a machine doing her job.

It was much better.

I am really sorry. Honestly, I didn't mean you.

I was just talking to my colleague about a friend of mine and she...

Are you finished?

Mrs Merriam?

I-I-I will see you soon.

Yes, yes. Thank you.

-Do come through.

-Yes.

-Raar!

-So, there are lions in there, are there?

Well, there's a big one here waiting for you. Raar!

Raaaaaaaaar!

Oh! We're just, er...pretending to be lions.

So I see. Proper little Johnny Morris.

Actually, we're looking to buy a tent.

Well, you've come to the right place.

We have everything from the ad hoc pop-up bivouac

to the multi-berth Mongolian yurt.

OK. We're looking for a three-person tent, or a three-man tent.

-To pitch, or inflate?

-Sorry?

I mean, do you wish to construct your tent in the traditional manner,

or would you like to go inflatable?

I think I'd like to look at one of those.

Will sir be needing anything else?

Er...yeah, we need camp beds,

we need sleeping bags and a barbecue set.

-Oh. Do come this way.

-OK. Joe, come on.

-Hello.

I'm just going to increase your pain medication.

I suppose that's all you can do.

Keep me comfortable.

What are you talking about, Mrs Merriam?

Well, I'm going to die now, aren't I?

What makes you think you're going to die?

Oh, it's just a feeling I have.

Like an icy-cold hand on my shoulder.

You have asthma and angina,

and I know you've had some problems with your eyesight,

but it's all well-controlled.

I don't think there's any imminent danger.

Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?

You've never had that strange feeling at the end of life.

-You've never died before.

-Neither have you.

It's not like you to be so morbid. Are you all right?

Are you feeling particularly depressed at the moment?

No more than usual.

Do you have any actual evidence that something bad is going to happen?

Um...I looked out my window this morning

and there was a single magpie staring in at me.

So, ignore the facts, ignore my medical experience,

let's get a second opinion from a black-and-white bird(?)

-Is that it?

-It is.

And I shall see you next month.

VALERIE SIGHS

It really is the best form of exercise, Val,

standing with a plastic hoop around your ankles(!)

I used to be so good at this!

Must be something wrong with this hoop.

Rob must have got a cheap knock-off.

All about the hips. Here you are.

-See?

-You're really good at it.

Look, this one must be the wrong size.

Oh. Hello.

S-S-Sorry. Am I allowed to be here?

Well, it's not strictly a public thoroughfare.

Of course you are. Where did you spring from, then?

-I am from Namibia.

-No, I didn't...

Namibia?! What you doing here, then?

Rude!

He was with Mrs Merriam earlier.

He does seem a bit highly-strung.

Have you seen my friend?

Which friend would that be?

Kabali. He's about so high and deep brown eyes.

Your friend? I just saw him.

What?! Where is he?!

He was outside and then my colleague said hello and he ran away.

Oh, that's just typical!

You're always putting your oar in.

No, I didn't. It...it wasn't my fault.

Yes, it is.

You were so impertinent, going on about toy boys.

Kabali's very sensitive.

Is everything OK?

No, it's not. I wish to make an official complaint.

I do apologise. Sometimes the words just burst out of me.

It's not good enough.

Kabali is very sensitive and vulnerable.

He's from Namibia, you know.

They have a different sensibility there.

How do you two know each other?

He's been staying with me as a lodger.

And he's a trainee nurse.

And he's here legally, if that's what you're getting at.

I'm not getting at anything.

But you did say he was vulnerable. What did you mean by that?

He's...a bit shy

and he doesn't know Letherbridge at all.

And he's run off and he knows no-one and...

OK. Well, if he is vulnerable, perhaps we should call the police,

ask them to keep an eye out.

No! No, no. That would just make things worse.

I'll just have to wait. I'm sure he'll come back.

I am sorry.

I am sorry, dear lady.

What was all that about?

It was just Mrs Merriam complaining about my mouth.

I'm going to have to communicate through mime from here on in.

I will be the Marcel Marceau of medical receptionists.

-Valerie?

-Yes?

I wonder, could you do something for me?

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

Oh, dear! Well, here we go.

-What?!

-Do you really think you should be driving?

I don't see why not.

Well, number one, you have macular degeneration.

-And number two...

-Yes?

I want a word with you.

When I suggested calling the police,

you looked terrified.

Why was that?

Who is Kabali?

None of your business.

I could just phone them anyway.

I first met Kabali a few months ago

when I was walking a friend's dog in the woods.

I saw him there.

He was sleeping rough, in the middle of a bramble bush,

or was it teasel? No.

No, thistle.

I don't need to know the exact foliage.

And he had a packet of...

..rich tea biscuits...

..and a sleeping bag, and nothing else.

I couldn't just leave him there, could I?

So, you invited him home with you?

I thought, if I left him there, he was going to die -

and so was I.

My life was going nowhere.

But since then,

he's become my carer,

my chauffeur,

my personal trainer...

..and my friend.

You said that he was training to be a nurse.

Yes. He had to drop out.

He couldn't afford the fees.

How do you know that you can trust him?

I don't.

But what sort of world is it if we go around not trusting people?

We have wonderful times together.

Do you know what we do of an evening?

-No?

-No.

Sometimes...

he tells me about...

his life in Namibia,

and sometimes we watch TV -

Dad's Army.

He has a wonderful sense of humour.

I tell him it's these men who won the war,

not Churchill and his generals.

Do you know that episode

where Captain Mainwaring says,

"Don't tell him, Pike!"

Yes?

Kabali says it to me all the time.

I don't think he knows what it means.

He thinks it's what English people say to each other

in times of stress.

So, where do you think he is now?

I don't know.

Probably gone.

OK.

Would you let me give you a lift home?

Kabali.

K-A-B-A...

What are you doing, Val?

I am looking up your attractive friend,

Zara wants to find out about him...

and there are 17 million results.

Oh, I know.

Namibia.

Is that where he comes from?

Yes, and if I get any more complaints,

that's where I'm going to have to emigrate to.

Positive thinking.

I think you have to think like that, don't you?

Sitting here, we see so much death and misery, and disease.

While we've still got facial muscles, I think we should smile.

Better to laugh at ourselves.

Hmm. I think if people laugh at you,

you should just try and join in with them.

When I was at school, I was always being left out of stuff.

Then one year, Gemma Goulding invited me

to her 14th birthday party.

Now, Gemma was something of the alpha female at our school,

so it was a great honour.

She said it was Saturday,

her house, fancy dress.

Did you go as Marilyn Monroe?

No, but the previous Wednesday,

I had seen a documentary about Carmen Miranda,

and I thought, "I can do that."

Fortunately, I already had an extensive dressing up box

and a good relationship with the greengrocer.

I bet you were so much fun!

Well, I go, and let me tell you,

it's not easy going on the number 19 bus with a pineapple on your head -

and it turns out, it wasn't a fancy dress party.

They'd just got me there to make fun of me.

Valerie, that's awful.

What did you do?

Well, a little bit of me died.

And then I thought I could burst into tears

or I could scream and shout,

or I could just say,

"Hello, my chickadees,

"does anyone know the lyrics to Agadoo?"

-Come and have some lunch.

-I am starving!

Oh, I can look for this later.

Hello there!

I hope you are actually planning on buying something.

Excuse me?!

This is a shop, not an activity playground.

Look, my son has mislaid my tablet.

I don't suppose one's been handed in, has it?

Not that I know of.

Oh, hold on!

Yes?

Any chance I could have a look at your CCTV footage?

Why?

To see where he left it.

No, that won't be possible for various reasons,

primarily the Data Protection Act.

Right. Not that it's not turned on?

That is of no concern to you whatsoever.

That's a yes, isn't it?

OK, well, it just means that

I'm going to have to look through every tent again.

HE WHISTLES

Hello? Kabali?

Are you there?

I think he's gone for good now.

Right.

And I strongly recommend that you change the locks.

What?!

What an awful thing to say. Whatever for?

Because when all's said and done, you don't know him.

You only know the stories he told you.

I know more than you think.

GRUNTING

Ah!

GRUNTING

Kabali!

Mrs Merriam...

..I am sorry.

What for?

I stole from you.

How could you?

What's mine is yours.

I stole your sleeping tablets.

HE GAGS

I feel sick.

OK, so, legs apart...

Legs apart.

-..belly out.

-Belly out.

-..and spin!

-Spin!

-Go!

Oh, I'm doing... No.

This is awful.

I thought it was one of those things that you never forgot how to do -

like riding a bicycle, or...

Oh, now I'm worried about all the other things

-I might not be able to do any more.

-OK, what do they say?

-"If, at first, you don't succeed..."

-Give up!

Well, that's what Karen's doing.

I mean, she's abandoned the hoop,

she's inside tucking into a Wagon Wheel.

What was that about giving up?

Are you joining us, Hollins?

You bet I am.

I don't care what Rob or anyone says,

I have still got it.

-Hey! Spin!

-Spin!

MUSIC: Macarena by Los del Rio

I've forgotten to do that thing Zara asked me to do!

She's going to kill me.

Keep spinning, Hollins.

It's very hard in heels.

Yeah, but it looks good.

How long?

OK, OK. Bye.

They're going to be ten minutes.

How are you feeling?

Oh, better now.

Why did you do it?

I did not want to be a burden any longer.

A burden?

You're as much a burden

as my right arm.

What would I have done, Kabali,

if I'd come home and found you lying there...

-PHONE RINGS

-...and I couldn't wake you?

Hello, Valerie?

Yes.

What?

Since when?

Oh, thank you very much, Valerie. Bye.

That was a colleague of mine.

Could you tell me your full name?

Would it be Kabali Mangundu?

What is this about?

Mrs Merriam,

everything that Kabali has told you is true,

he is a trainee nurse

and he is here legally,

but the reason he that can't go back to Namibia

is that he's wanted by the police...

..for suspected murder.

Come on, mate, I need to get home.

We'll put the tent up in the garden if you like.

Found it!

Oh, well done!

MAN GAGS

Joe, Stay there.

-Are you all right, mate?

-I'm a doctor. I'll take over.

Can you cough?

All right, stay still for me.

Please, believe me.

I would never hurt anyone.

Well, then you won't mind me calling the police.

-No!

-Hang on, is this about your uncle?

You knew?

You knew?

Yes, I could hear you having nightmares.

You called out his name in your sleep.

You seem terrified of him.

He was a terrible man.

When my father died,

he said he was going to look after us.

He did no such thing.

Whatever he did,

whatever the circumstances,

I think that you should inform the authorities.

He raped my mother.

I came home, and found her, crying.

I did not mean to do what I did, but...

You don't have to tell me.

You can tell the police.

They will understand that there are certain circumstances where...

Do you really think that he'll get a fair hearing?

Are you really that naive?

It's just...

SHE GASPS

Mrs Merriam?

Mrs Merriam?

Can I have a go? I do know first aid.

-Where is the ambulance?

-It's on its way.

Please! Let me have a go.

-Are you a doctor?

-No.

OK, well then help me.

Please get a Swiss army knife and a biro pen.

Hurry!

It's OK, Joe.

It's all right. Don't worry.

Now, breathe deeply.

SHE EXHALES

Are you with us?

Kabali...

..get the biscuits.

What?

The biscuits.

What are you two up to?

Nothing, dear. Nothing.

Mrs Merriam...

I could not take your money.

Have a biscuit.

Thank you.

OK, I don't know what's going on here

but, for the next two minutes,

my priority is Mrs Merriam.

Goodbye, Kabali.

Goodbye, Mrs Merriam...

..and, "Don't tell him, Pike."

The ambulance will be here in ten minutes.

There's a burst water main.

I'm going to have to open him up.

OK, come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

What's happening?

He's gone into cardiac arrest.

Are you OK, Mrs Merriam?

He doesn't have a bad bone in his body.

I'm sure...

he was driven to it through circumstances.

And anyway...

we all murder people, don't we?

No, we don't.

Well, not directly,

but every time we see someone in need,

and...we turn away.

Or...

Or a charity appeal comes on,

we change the channel.

That's different!

Whatever.

Nobody's perfect...

..and, for three months...

..I had a very good friend.

Come on.

That's it. That's it, stay with me.

-You're going to be fine.

-THEY APPLAUD

Thank goodness!

Oh.

PHONE BEEPS

'This is Daniel Granger. Please leave a message.'

Hi, Daniel, it's me.

Just calling to see if you're having any adventures.

I am having

a WEIRD sort of a day.

Anyway, send my love to Joe.

I can't wait to hear all about what you guys have been up to.

MACHINE FLATLINES

All right...

Look.

All right?

When was the last time you saw her?

16 years...

..five months and four days ago.

One in five hospital meals are left untouched.

Well, they wouldn't be if they was as nice as what you made.

He's never going to see me in the same way again.

Maybe it's good for him to learn the truth.

But I don't want him to see me as a failure.