Granimosity Doctors

-Right. Well, when do they need it?

-What are these?

They're party bags.

-Well, why can't she do it herself?

-Party bags?!

No, I told Liam last night.

-What on earth am I supposed to do with these?!

-Mum, put them down.

Well, there's no way I can make this afternoon,

so tell her they'll just have to wait.

Why on Earth have you bought all this food?

Fine, I'll tell her myself.

-You know, I do go to the shops every day, Chloe.

-It's what he asked for.

-Thomas, are you ready?

-Everything's always the last minute!

-June will be here soon.

-Whatever for?

-To give you a hand.

-Oh!

Mum. Please. Just try and be nice.

I'm not a child, you know?

Thomas?

We'll never do all of this in a week.

-Ooh, what about this one?

-Chiusi? It's quite built up.

-Oh, OK. Pi...

-Pisa. A long way from the villa.

-Pienza.

-Oh, Pienza.

-Mm. 15th century.

-Lovely, idyllic. The view from the Palazzo...

It looks gorgeous.

Gorgeous is the word. And you're in the middle of wine country there.

-You can't miss the Leaning Tower of Pisa though?

-Well, you can.

I could do a photo like this.

Please!

If you must, but we have to visit the vineyards.

-There is more to life than booze, you know?

-Booze?

-Yah, booze!

Well, we really have more than enough already.

You can never have too much, I always say,

especially with children.

Ooh!

Right. There's fairy cakes, and some flapjacks.

-Actually, we're trying to give up sugar.

-And pasta salad.

-We've already got that.

-Yes, but you can't beat homemade now, can you?

Cheese straws, and some chicken drumsticks.

Really, you didn't need to go to all this trouble, June.

Don't be silly, Gloria. What are grannies for?

Hm.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Er... Come in.

Oh, Dr Haskey. I had to sign for these from St Phil's.

-Thank you.

-May I ask, how is your mother?

Oh, yeah. I rang her and...she seems pretty much the same.

-Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

-I'll go and see her.

Soon.

You know, it is very important that you stay positive.

Great(!)

What is wrong?

More bad news to pass on.

I should have done some sausage rolls really.

There are sausages here.

-And what about pop?

-Oh, no. No fizzy drinks.

-Not in this day and age.

-Never did mine any harm.

Well, are you sure, dear? Perhaps they were just big boned.

-Nanny!

-Aw! How's my little Tommy then?

-Thomas!

-Happy birthday, sweetheart.

-I'm starving.

-Steady on.

-There you go.

-Get yourself a plate.

-Oh, let him be.

-It's his birthday.

-This looks lovely.

Well, there's miles too much, of course.

Mine's the homemade.

-Well, you've got to make the effort.

-Come on, let's get you washed.

-Mum!

Tommy.

Aw, bless him. Spitting image of his dad, he is.

I thought you said it was going to be warm.

Well, it can get a bit chilly in the evenings.

-Shall I put my thermal vest in then?

-That's not quite what I had in mind.

Ooh, and these. These will be OK?

-Are you planning on jogging?

-No, for the sightseeing.

-I thought we could do something a bit more relaxing.

-Such as?

The simple pleasures - food, landscapes, the light.

-Hey, how far are we from Rome?

-Oh, good Lord, no.

OK, Florence then. I know that is not far.

-True.

-And then, you can finally show me

-the "Uffizi and the Ponte Vecchio".

-Well done.

Thank you.

-Why ever did you get a shop bought one?

-This is a carrot cake, dear.

-Not a Victoria sponge.

-My sponge is second to none.

-Remember the wedding cake?

-Five pounds of raisins I put in there!

It was huge.

It lasted longer than the marriage.

What? Stop it!

Strawberry flan. That was always my Ian's favourite.

Oh, where is he, that boy of yours?

Aberdeen, of course.

What's he doing there?

He's working, Mum. He's been there four years.

And on his own son's birthday!

He's very upset about it, but he can't just drop everything.

Well, he dropped his wife and child, didn't he?

-Mum, you know that's not true.

-He's got a very responsible job.

-Oh, and I haven't?

-Responsible, huh!

-And what is that supposed to mean?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Ooh, shall I get that, dear?

Thomas will get it. Thomas, can you come down?

-After everything he's done.

-Well, money isn't everything.

Can we just drop it now, please?

Mum?

-Aberdeen?!

-What's wrong, love?

-Is he all right?

Thomas?

Oh!

You're not taking all those, are you?

-I am there longer than you, remember?

-Tuscany By The Glass?

Yes, that's one of Charles'.

Although, probably don't need it now, do I?

It's such a shame Mrs Tembe made a fool of him.

He made a fool of himself.

Ah, perhaps.

Now, I have a case scale somewhere.

He can seem a bit full of himself.

-You should have seen him in the old days.

-Yeah, well, I'm glad I didn't.

-People do change.

-Yeah, for the better.

-Maybe there is more to Mrs Tembe than we think.

-In what way?

-Well, maybe she has a hidden streak, bit of a wild side.

-Mrs Tembe?

-There must be. I mean, if you think about it...

-Oh, no! I'd rather not!

Oh, I am so sorry, but we are closed.

-Perhaps you'd like to make an appointment.

-He keeps being sick.

We need to see a doctor.

Right. Dr Haskey. I don't suppose that you can see this young man?

I'm really worried, Doctor. He's been really sick.

-All right, come on through.

-Thank you.

-If you ladies would like to take a seat...

-Excuse me.

Right. And there was no sign before that?

-No, I don't think so.

-He was fine this morning.

-Poor chap. It's not the best way to spend your birthday, is it?

-So?

I think it might be a case of the old food poisoning.

-What?!

-Very mild food poisoning.

-Oh, no!

There! I knew it!

-Knew what?

-It's all that stuff she brought round this morning.

-There was nothing wrong with that food.

-Maybe not when you made it...

-When was that?

-Yesterday.

-There. You see?

-Not that I get any gratitude!

-Gratitude?!

-Will you please just shut up?

-Well!

-I'm only trying to help!

Can you tell them?

Yeah, um, perhaps it would be best if half of us left the room.

It's this half right here.

Come on, out you go. Reception's that way.

Phew!

Must be in the house somewhere. I had on my last trip.

You don't think Shak or Alia have got it, do you?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Why would they?

-I don't know. You tell me.

I'll get that, shall I?

It's like the time we spent half the evening looking for that

remote control, or when we couldn't find the backdoor key.

Oh! Right.

OK.

And we need some proper tea cos they've only got that

American rubbish over there.

Oh.

-Charles.

-Er, I'll go and make some tea, shall I?

Have you got a moment?

-You might as well go to lunch.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Can I bring you anything?

-Er, no, thank you. I have...

Well, I have made arrangements.

Right, Thomas, I've got a job for you.

-You need to drink as much water as you possibly can.

-Do I have to?

Thanks.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine. It's just those two.

Is that normal?

Well, they've never really got on, but this is getting stupid.

-Mm. Grandmother rivalry.

-No, it's just Mum.

She's getting worse all the time, with everybody.

Right. I do need to speak to her actually.

You've had her results?

-Could you get her to make an appointment with me?

-I'm really hot.

Come on, love.

Right. Mind how you go.

Right.

Lunch.

-I was such an oaf.

-I wouldn't say that, just a bit clumsy, that's all.

I had no idea she was friendly with the chap.

-Yes, that was rather unfortunate.

-But I really didn't mean any harm.

So, do you think there's any way back?

-She can be very decisive, single-minded.

-Stupid man!

-Ever since the divorce...

-Stubborn, even, at times.

..I've just been such a clown with women.

It's one false dawn after another.

But I really believed there was a chance this time.

-You know, some common ground, something to build on, you know.

-I thought so too.

And you're sure there's nothing I could do to make amends?

Sorry, Charles. I think she's made her choice.

Wotcha!

How's all going then? All right? Not bad here, is it?

Look, I am so sorry. This is a mistake.

I do not know what I was thinking. Me asking you out - it is...

-Look, I think we should just both...

-It's par for the course.

Don't worry.

What is?

Women. Asking me out. Happens all the time.

Shall we?

I've never been so embarrassed in all my life!

There is nothing wrong with this food.

Then why is my grandson lying in his bed on his birthday?

It was all fresh.

We're lucky, I suppose. I mean, it could have been worse.

It could have been half the school.

-This is it. This is the stuff.

-It was no such thing!

That's been stagnating in your fridge.

-It was not!

-And these? What were you thinking of?

-They're organic!

I'd be surprised if they're even chicken.

-Oh!

-Well? I told her this. I said you were as bad as each other.

Who, might I ask?

Well, you and your son. I mean, it's one thing after another.

Oh, this is Ian's fault now, is it?

You know, it's Thomas I feel sorry for.

-It was your daughter who wanted a divorce.

-Well, can you blame her?

She hardly saw him.

And who do you think's still paying for this house?

Keeping a roof over your head!

Oh, I see! Well, it all makes sense now!

-What does?

-Well, you want this house!

That's why you're poisoning us!

-What did you say?

-Well, you've done it this time.

You meant it, I'll have to call the police!

-Oh!

-What's going on?

June?

-The truth hurts!

-What have you said to her?

-And take your chicken legs with you!

-Oh!

What...?

Er...

-How about tuna, or something?

-I... I am not really very hungry.

Oh, come on. There's must be something here to tempt you.

Apart from me!

Right, well, steak for me. And it better still be mooing!

You know, this was your idea.

I know.

-I know. I did try to explain...

-So, at least have a drink, eh?

All right.

Well, I will have an orange juice and a green salad.

Yes, that's it.

So, is this your regular then?

No, not really. It's just convenient for the surgery.

So, are all your mates down here then?

What about the opera then? Cracking night, eh?

Yes. Yes, I did enjoy it.

I thought the baritone was a bit off at times,

but you can't beat old Mozart for tunes.

No, you cannot.

Heston, you know me. I am not a snob.

Any more. But to be fair, a porter, for goodness' sake!

I can't find the scale.

It doesn't do an awful lot for one's self esteem.

I'm sure he's really nice.

Oh, no doubt he is, though I do have to say, he doesn't look it.

-Not everyone does.

-But what could they possibly have in common?

-A woman like that!

-Have you packed the tea?

-Which one?

There's about ten different kinds in there.

Perhaps I should take a leaf out of your book, old man. Take a holiday.

-Good idea, Charles. Nice break. Change of scenery.

-Mm.

-But not much fun on your own though.

-Oh, I don't know.

What about the villa?

-Sorry?

-You could come to Tuscany.

-Oh, I couldn't possibly impose.

-Oh, no. Not with us.

Heston's staying on there a bit longer, aren't you?

Are you really?

Yeah, cos I've got to come back for the kids.

-Yes, but...

-And you can both go to the vineyards together.

-I think it'd be perfect.

-Well, of course.

-That would be marvellous!

-Are you serious?

-Of course.

Thank you.

So, you go out a lot then, do you, to the opera or whatever?

No, not really.

I am usually busy. I do not have the time.

Oh, right.

-Anyway, you're obviously not from round here.

-Botswana.

And you? What is a Londoner doing in Letherbridge?

You know? Have bike will travel!

Never thought about settling down?

-Now and again, but I told you about the kids?

-Yes.

-Yes, you said you were married, yes?

-Yeah, been there, done that.

I never really took to it though.

-Right, so you have a problem with commitment?

-No, no. Just monogamy.

And you?

One thing I should tell you though up front.

I was a bit of a naughty boy, going back.

Oh, good grief!

Did a bit of time. Nicking cars, joyriding.

It was all kids' stuff really.

Look, so, there you go. A rebel without a cause.

But look at me now, eh? All grown up.

Well, after a fashion.

-Well, I've never trusted that woman.

-Mum!

Swanning in here, taking the place over.

She was only trying to help.

Ian this, Ian that. That great big lump.

-Anyone would think that the sun shone out of his...

-Mum!

He was my husband!

I never ever saw what you saw in him.

Did you buy these?

I've no idea.

-Well, did you or not? Because I didn't.

-Chloe, what's your problem?

Well, they're ten days out of date.

Oh, I suppose that's my fault too, is it?

Just... Just look after Thomas for me, will you?

Thank you.

-What about old Gupta? Big cheese at St Phil's.

-Oh, he's just a friend.

Funny, I thought he was more your cup of tea, really.

Let's face it. We're not exactly made for each other, are we?

Why would you say that?

Well, I'm not much of a catch. For someone like you, I mean.

What do you mean, "someone like me"?

Proper. Respectable. An upright, model citizen.

Yes. I like to think so.

And here's me, some scruffbag biker,

not the sort of chap you take home to mother now, am I?

You can just see me, can't you?

In my leathers, walking oil all over the carpet!

So, have you always owned a bike?

Or are you just going through some kind of midlife crisis?

Oi, saucy!

-So, do you just own the one?

-A couple, as it goes.

Plus various bits and pieces, scattered around mates' garages.

-I'm what you call a man of many parts.

-So, it is a hobby?

It's my life.

It's the one thing I've always been good at.

Did you build that one yourself? The one on the internet?

Hey, been having a crafty peek, have we? A sneak preview!

No, I just noticed some very impressive modifications.

-What? The colour?

-No!

-So, what brake horsepower is it?

-The engine or the back wheel?

Well, with those modifications,

I would imagine it is a 60 horsepower at the back wheel.

65, actually.

That's very impressive.

So, where did that come from?

Well, I am a woman of many parts.

I'm really sorry. It was Mum's mistake, not yours.

-I'm ever so sorry.

-What was it then?

-Sausages.

-It should be her who's apologising then, not you.

-I know.

-I know she's your mother, Chloe, but that was uncalled for.

-Yes, it was.

Talking to me like that. It's disgusting!

She didn't have one civil word for me all day.

And to start accusing me of a thing like that!

Come on, sshh.

Oh!

Come on. Let's hear it.

My father was a mechanic. He had his own business.

So, you did have oil on the carpet.

I used to work with him every day after school. Salvaging parts.

-In Botswana, nothing is wasted.

-So, you learned the trade?

-Mm.

We used to strip engines together every day,

right down to the last bolt.

And of course, when I put them back together again,

there was always something left.

And he said to me, "Start again."

-Good man. What sort?

-Mostly small two-stroke engines.

-We did have bigger ones, 600s.

-Japanese?

-And 650s.

-Did you give it a re-bore?

-Of course. Adjusted the tappets.

-Screws or buckets?

Old school screws and locknuts, of course.

It was wonderful.

We used to go out together first thing in the morning before

going to school...

-So, if one were to take the tour...

-Mm-hm.

..where would be the best place to start?

-Anywhere around Siena, really.

-Cheers. Cheers.

-Montepulciano?

-Chianti.

-Ah, is that close by?

About an hour or so.

Very nice.

-I found a lovely vineyard along the way.

-Lots of body.

Now, where was it? There was a chapel.

There were ruins on the left.

It'd be rather like that film. You know, those two chaps in California.

Asciano. They have this lovely Nobile Riserva. Sumptuous, in fact.

You know, this reminds me of the other one. Not the Barolo, the um...

Brunello.

-Of course.

-The Big Three.

For that, you'd have to go to Montalcino,

which is a treat in itself. It's a beautiful place.

It is?

Yes, we'd have to start at the villa here and then you keep going west.

-Ah, towards the sea.

-Mm.

How is he then? Poor little mite.

-He'll be OK.

-No thanks to her.

You just tell that woman from me, I'll never speak to her again,

-as long as I live!

-Oh, June!

Thinking I'd do something like that! To my own flesh and blood!

-She didn't really mean it.

-Why did she say it then?

She hasn't been herself these past few months.

-Hasn't she?

-No, she hasn't.

-What's wrong with her then?

-I'm not sure yet.

Chloe...

I'll phone you tomorrow.

-Good lunch?

-Yes. Yes, it was fine, actually.

Did you go anywhere nice?

Just to the Icon.

With a friend.

Aw. From church?

No.

Dr Haskey, please.

-Oh, do you have an appointment?

-No, sorry. But it's urgent.

-How's Thomas?

-Asleep when I left him.

-Is he OK?

-Yeah, he's got his nan there.

Um... I'm sorry, but I'm really worried about her.

Of course you are.

So, can you tell me, please? You've had her results back.

Yes, I have.

And?

I'm sorry, I can't say.

-It's dementia, isn't it?

-I really need to speak to her first.

-When?

-As soon as she can.

And is that why she's being so nasty all the time?

Um...

-It would be a possibility.

-But it's not like she's an old woman.

-No, she's not.

-She's never even been ill, not really.

You're right.

And now I'm going to lose her, aren't I?

She won't even know who I am.

Chloe... I know how hard this can be, believe me.

I'm going to do everything I can to help.

I absolutely promise.

Yeah, well...

At least I know it wasn't my mum talking.

-OK, I've got English Breakfast, and the Lapsang Souchong.

-Great.

-Are you sure about this wine trip idea?

-Yeah.

I think it'll be a nice change after all the sightseeing.

And you are both going to love it, it'll do Charles the world of good.

I think you're right.

-So, are you going to weigh these?

-Where did you find that?

-In your side pocket.

-I looked there.

-Yeah, man looking!

SHE GIGGLES

-I think he's feeling a bit better now.

-Good, I'll go and see him.

I'm ever so sorry, dear.

-What about?

-About the sausages, of course.

I was sure I only bought them the other day.

Mum, it's not about sausages.

How could you talk to June like that?

-I probably was a bit harsh.

-She doesn't deserve that.

-I know. But she gets on my nerves!

-Mum, please.

-We're going to have to go and see the doctor tomorrow.

-Are we?

Right.

Then that's what we'll do then.

How about something to eat?

After all that, I haven't had a thing all day.

Have you been following me?

-I was just cruising around.

-A likely story!

-I would have brought another one, if I'd have known.

-I hardly think so.

A quick spin around the block, do you the world of good.

No, I have never been a very good passenger.

-Don't you trust me?

-And could I? On that?

-No, not really!

That's the fun of it!

-Now, the weekend.

-What about it?

I would say tonight, but I'm working, sorry.

You are a very presumptuous man!

-I do my best.

-And also, incredibly impertinent!

-Oh, really?

-Yes!

-Really!

-You don't know the half of it.

What in heaven's name do you think you are doing?!

This is my place of work! What if one of the patients had seen you?

Oh, JJ! Please!

Have you ever had the feeling you're not who you think you are?

I'm not sure I follow.

-I'm here for my son. Which room is he in?

-Sorry?

Why do you want to leave your current position

-and join this practice?

-I feel it's time to move on.

Something's not right. I've got a hunch.

If I had a pound for every time I heard you say that.

What are the qualities within you, Sid,

that made you choose this career path?

Sorry, I wasn't really expecting that one.