Hell Is More Kind Doctors

CAR HORN

SHE EXHALES

CAR HORN Just a sec!

One day at a time.

-Hiya! Busy morning?

-You know I have.

Don't believe in easing people gently back into the workplace, do you?

Well, don't pretend that you don't know you're Mr Popular.

Half those visits were just people waiting for you to come back.

-Really?

-"Dr Clay understands me."

"Dr Clay's got very soft hands."

OK, moving swiftly on, is Emma here today, or is she over at the campus?

-Neither. She phoned in sick.

-Oh, right. OK.

Home is the traveller.

Jimmi, welcome back!

-Really good to see you, mate.

-Yeah. Hi.

You look well! How was Thailand?

Um...yeah, it was a real steep learning curve.

I will be interested to hear all about it. How about lunch on me?

You can tell me all about the spiritual side of your journey.

OK. As long as you promise to tell me about the camping trip.

Well, it would have been more fun if we'd been able to prise Joe from his tablet.

We are trying to move away from technology.

That's why I'm thinking of bringing mindfulness into the equation.

-For Joe?

-Yeah. For everything.

That's why I'd be interested to hear your take on it.

I've got to dash, but coffee before afternoon surgery?

See you later.

Did Zara just hug me?

I should be done by 4.00. If I'm held up, I'll text.

What?

-Mindfulness?

-Yes.

I've been reading up on it recently.

Some of the research is quite compelling.

You do realise you'll have to make an emotional investment in your patients?

Fully aware.

Like, actually listen to them.

Undivided, sympathetic attention.

And you think I'm incapable of that because...?

OK. You're serious.

-I'll see you tonight.

-I hope it goes well.

It's only routine, nothing sinister.

Maybe I should get my hearing checked, for all the listening(!)

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Yep?

Hi. I just wanted to welcome you back.

Good to be back.

So, how was it?

It was worth every minute.

So, um... I was wondering, um...

the whole mind-over-matter part of Buddhism...?

Here we go. Go on.

Any tips on how it can help with self-confidence?

Just be yourself.

-Really?

-Straight from Buddha's mouth.

Look, I've only been on a course for a few weeks,

I'm hardly the font of all knowledge, am I?

I suppose not. Sorry.

Give me chance to find my feet and we'll have a chat, yeah?

What, a chat or a chant(?)

SID LAUGHS

Yeah. Sounds great, Jimmi. Cheers.

Um...you any idea what's going on with Emma?

No, sorry. I was at my parents' at the weekend.

Ayesha mentioned something about flu, I think.

All right. Thanks.

-Afternoon.

-Right, so I'm here, cap in hand, without a leg to stand on.

My behaviour the other night... I'm a douche.

That was something that was waiting to happen, wasn't it? So it's forgotten.

No, it's not forgotten until I give a proper apology.

-Accepted.

-Really? That easy?

Yep.

Um...in with anger, out with love.

-I'm chanting as we speak.

-Ha!

-Hello.

-Zara Carmichael, 3.00.

-Thank you.

-Would you like to take a seat, please?

-Thanks.

But this is why follow-up appointments are vital.

-I know.

-Just because it got caught early...

Doesn't mean that's the end of it, yeah.

Can we just take a break?

It's been eat, sleep, think breast cancer for the last year.

All right. End of.

No more on the subject until we're in there.

Checkup?

I'm sorry?

You seem quite young for routine checks.

Unless... Oh.

Prevention is better than cure.

Sorry! Huh! Nosy.

It gets to the point where it becomes all shared experience.

Thea. Vince.

We've learned to develop a united front kind of thing.

I understand.

You read everything on the subject,

but you still hope you can find out more from pooled knowledge.

I have become an expert at asking questions, and getting answers.

And has it gone well?

Early diagnosis, which you learn is the best-case scenario.

-Absolutely.

-Mm. And the treatment...

-Well...

-Who knew vomit could have so many different forms of consistency?

Well, you were prescribed an anti-emetic, though?

More drugs.

Drugs which helped.

Hoping we're on the home stretch now.

That's good. No sign of secondary...?

Metastases? It's OK, we know what the word means.

Oh, absolutely, of course. A lot of people wouldn't.

You know it.

I'm a doctor.

Really? Do you see a lot of cancer patients?

-Well...

-What's your view, as an observer?

It...is not just the physical impact,

it's the emotional and psychological, as well.

But, as you said yourself, finding the right support can make all the difference.

Miss Carmichael?

Hm! Excuse me.

See? Finding the right support. What have I said?

LOUD DRILLING

SHE GROANS

Where are you going?

Pee. That OK?

They're going to call us in any minute.

TEXT ALERT

SHE CHUCKLES

Ha-ha, Granger. Smutty boy!

The technician was the same woman it always is.

And it's a black one, by the way. New, with purple lace.

I might let you see it later.

But then again, I might not. Bye!

-What the hell?!

-Please! I'm not weird or anything!

-I just wanted to talk to you.

-Get out!

Listen a sec. I thought you'd understand, being a doctor.

Understand what?!

That you've just abandoned your wife to face whatever the consultant is going to tell her all on her own?!

-She'll be fine.

-How can you say that?!

How cold and selfish do you need to be to run out at a time like this?!

Do you have you any idea how emotional having breast cancer can be?

More than you know.

She's not the one who had it, I am.

Where are you?

They're going to call us in any minute. Get back here!

I know it's cowardly.

Cowards get cancer like everyone else, though.

You shouldn't look at it that way.

It's taken over my whole life.

Everyone's so understanding.

Time off work, private health care through Thea's company insurance.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

The results are good.

I'm cancer-free.

But...

There's always a "but".

Which is?

It's all been kind of...

When you step into a fog, you know where you are, but you don't.

Like you're being erased, or...or replaced.

Replaced?

By someone who has no choice but to deal with it!

Sometimes all I've wanted to do is just step outside my life for a bit.

Escape.

That's what you're heading towards, isn't it?

Successful operation, end of treatment.

Getting your life back.

But they don't, do they?

Your hair grows back, your scars fade, but...

..you're not you.

I sympathise, I really do.

But you need to go back in there,

go to your appointment

and tell all of this to Thea.

Right, fine.

Because she's been such a good listener(!)

Vince?

SHE SIGHS

-Mrs Ridley?

-Oh, Mrs Kewn.

Sorry...he went to the bathroom and now he's...

-I'm not sure.

-Not sure?

I think he was a bit on edge about today.

OK. Well...

I can move the appointment back by 45 minutes?

Thank you! Thank you so much!

I really don't know what this is about.

I don't need baby-sitting.

I shouldn't have bothered you.

Look, I appreciate you wanting to abdicate responsibility.

Why don't you tell me about that?

Thea went into battle mode.

Downloaded case studies, statistics, healthy eating.

Focus on the good bits, count yourself lucky.

And...?

It's someone else's words and experience.

One size fits all.

I understand you wanting to wish yourself back to a time before your diagnosis,

but that's not going to happen.

I know.

Would you stop for a moment?

Has anyone discussed mindfulness with you?

No.

Well, it might help.

There's a certain technique, it's very simple.

LOUD DRILLING

Chris, it's me.

Oh, I'm sorry, I... I hadn't worked out the time difference.

I don't know whether you're sleeping or you're at work. I'm sorry.

I was just ringing for a chat, really.

See how you are.

Anyway...give me a call.

Bye!

LOUD DRILLING

Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up!

You not hungry? Go on, have a chip.

I'm fine. Thanks.

Proper savoury tartar sauce.

Real chips, not them skinny jobs.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Brilliant!

I went through periods where everything tasted like cardboard.

Not uncommon.

Thea monitors everything I eat.

First meal I've had in ages that didn't come with the words

"macrobiotic" or "carcinogenic" attached to the conversation.

Hm! Have you had much loss of appetite?

You can take a break from being the doctor.

This is so good!

I hate to be that person, but you might want to go easy.

Such a heavy meal might be a mistake if you're not used to it.

HE VOMITS

ZARA SIGHS

Now, that's a proper pavement pizza.

I'm loathe to say I told you so.

It's the real stuff, not that chemo vomit.

Taking pleasure in small things.

That's what mindfulness teaches.

Sounds a bit naff.

What, and appreciating your own vomit isn't?

Is it just that men don't like to talk about these things?

They don't like sharing?

No-one does.

You must've had patients clamming up about it.

Or the people around them.

Half the time, they don't know what to say.

What do you say to them?

Thea handles that.

She's the official PR.

"Oh, he's all right. He's really, really OK."

"Oh, he's so brave!"

But I'm not.

She decided I was.

-I see.

-I don't even have breast cancer, according to her.

It's just cancer.

It's not a good image.

So you leave people to draw their own conclusions.

It's easy enough.

You see them thinking prostate or testicular.

Or worse.

So, something more acceptable? More manly?

Yeah.

Do you feel emasculated?

She asked me that.

Right before she booked an appointment for the sperm bank

just in case the treatment left me firing blanks.

And what did you tell her?

How do you answer a question like that?

Your wife, with a pink ribbon for breast-cancer awareness,

asking if you feel less of a man.

Breaking out of this pattern,

this way of thinking, would be a real step forward.

Why don't you give it a try?

I mean, as indiscretions go, it was strictly internal.

Mrs Tembe's reaction to it was completely over the top.

-I'm surprised...

-I know.

I was humiliated and undermined for the most trivial reasons.

Can I finish?

I'm surprised that you haven't realised how serious this is.

-Sorry?

-Mrs Tembe did everything by the book.

I see.

If, by that, you're implying that after years of working in the medical profession,

I don't understand the protocol of confidentiality, then...

In our jobs, there are so many areas concerned with that,

and I've no doubt that you can be trusted with most.

Most?

Valerie, it seems to me that you are well-versed

in the legal grey areas that we all face...

So, what, in your opinion, am I doing so wrong?

It would be unethical for me to say anything in his absence.

You know I have made all the big decisions since this started.

Maybe that's the point.

Perhaps he sees the burden you're carrying

and doesn't want to add to it any further.

Yeah. Because running off really lightens the load(!)

You'll have to ask him why he did it.

He will talk to Macmillan nurses until the cows come home.

Laugh...joke.

But me, I...

I'm left second-guessing, deciding.

I think you're doing very well.

Some patients don't cope, or just give up.

Do you think Vince would do that without you?

I don't know.

And I am close to not caring.

Focusing on things which you wouldn't normally notice.

And this helps because...?

Well, you're developing a more positive mind-body balance.

It's going to be a hard sell to Thea, after all that research.

You give the impression that you're fighting her

as much as you are the illness.

That's a hell of a battle.

I'm beginning to understand why you ran away.

Interpersonal boundaries?

What does that even mean?

It covers the day-to-day things that we all have to negotiate at work.

You mean...? Is this me talking about my cancer?

No, but as an example,

you would have to respect the privacy of a colleague

who chose not to share that information under the same circumstances.

Well, course I would...if I knew about it.

Of course, if they kept it to themselves, I might not.

Of course, of course.

All right, let's try another example.

Um... Would you tell Karen about a row you'd had with your boyfriend?

I haven't got a boyfriend.

If you had a boyfriend.

Well, Karen's a friend, as well as a colleague.

Right, OK. And if you heard gossip about somebody else's boyfriend,

would you share that with her?

Well...no.

Because that would be crossing the line, wouldn't it?

-Look, if this is about Sid...

-Of course it's about Sid.

You told him things that you'd heard in confidence.

Yes, but they were about him. Surely he had a right to know?

-Anyway, I didn't tell him any facts.

-Which made it worse.

You told him he was being spoken about in the partners' meeting, but not why.

And your gossip quickly became an issue.

Quite frankly, Valerie, if you don't understand the consequences of that,

we'll have to consider if working here is right for you.

Only six missed calls and one text message.

She's gone home.

You don't say(!)

Well, that's a lecture waiting to happen.

How irresponsible am I?

Smacked bum, stand in the corner.

Look, perhaps don't take the lecture.

Maybe talk to her, have a proper adult conversation

about the things you've told me.

Adult conversation?

You know, there's one thing this diagnosis has really made me see.

We don't grow up.

We pretend we're adults, but...

..only because it's expected.

So, that's what this afternoon's been about?

Fish and chips, playing, running away.

I've never had to pretend to be grown up more than I have since all this started.

And it's the time where I've most wanted to...shake it off.

Not be an adult.

-Why?

-I don't know.

Because adults die?

When you're a kid, you're so far away from that.

OK, well, there's being childish

and there's being child-like.

And there's being yourself.

Who's that?

My advice is...don't sweat the small stuff.

What it is to be grown up.

What it is to be a man.

I've seen cancer rob people of what it is to be human.

What it is to be themselves.

Am I close to that, in your opinion?

Not even.

You are right about something.

The fog.

I understand that.

So...mindfulness.

Well, you would be the ideal candidate.

Although I think the blade of grass was a bit of a mistake.

-THEY LAUGH

-Maybe.

Any chance of a lift home?

Mindful observation of your driving skills.

Come on.

Where the hell have you been?! I have worried myself...

Oh!

Hello again.

I needed time to think.

And Zara - Dr Carmichael - helped.

After I gave her no choice.

What does that mean?!

Actually, I don't care.

Today has been one more day

where I have been to hell and back over this.

Lucky you.

What?

Hell is probably a kinder place to end up than heaven.

Have you been drinking?

Hell has lower expectations of us.

It knows we're not perfect.

I think you should hear him out.

Riding out my feelings, staying on top.

Being positive and brave.

These are all heavenly ideals.

And I've hated them most of the time.

Rubbish!

All you have had to do is keep a grip on things

and take your medication.

No. No, there's more to it than that.

Like what?

The emotional impact it's had on Vince.

The feelings of abandonment, of emasculation.

You're a doctor!

You should understand the importance of a treatment regime.

The right course of action for his prognosis.

Vince has been coming to an understanding

of the impact of his condition.

Well, thank you for your limp contribution

and for indulging his behaviour.

Will you just listen for once?!

He's trying to see the positive in everything.

Zara's been trying to teach me about mindfulness.

Oh! Wonderful(!)

You can make all the decisions, then,

since he won't see his oncologist, or bother with me.

No!

Zara's really helped me out this afternoon, and I'm grateful.

But I make my own decisions now.

No-one else.

Come on.

Emma?

-She's not in there.

-No? She's not in the kitchen.

Her car's here. Emma?

Emma?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Emma?

Emma, are you OK?

Emma? Emma! Emma!

-Jimmi, what's wrong with her?!

-Let me see, let me see.

Emma! Right, what have you taken?!

-Ooo! Grief!

-HE CHUCKLES

You've wasted an entire afternoon!

The clinic's just over there. Why not...?

It'll still be there tomorrow.

One of us has got to be grown up about this.

Take some responsibility for your life.

Responsible, maybe.

Grown up?

Never again!

Why?

Tell me, because I don't get it.

You do look a bit...

..less stressed, though.

That might be the fish and chips I had earlier.

You're kidding?! After all the advice...!

Your choice.

THEY LAUGH

Come on, I'll race you to the swings.

-What?

-Come on!

Have you taken anything else?

Don't be stupid. I wasn't trying to end it all.

What, then?

The fog.

The fog?

Look, can you go now?

No. It doesn't work like that!

Come on, Emma, what were you trying to achieve?

I just wanted to stop feeling, that's all.

Sam.

Howard.

Chris leaving.

The baby dying.

Baby Nicolas.

The needle stick, I...

I'm so tired.

Well, look, I'm going to have to let the practice know

-and the other partners will need to be informed.

-What? No! Don't!

-What for?

-Because she needs a psych evaluation.

We don't know that she's fit to treat patients.

Don't you see? It's not about other people.

I had a patient.

He said he was on so much medication...

..he felt like he was living life through a fog.

That's what I want.

Not death.

Just oblivion.

-Jimmi won't say anything.

-Won't he?!

He is a partner, so surely he'll have to tell the others, won't he?

Guys, could we talk later?

Is there a problem, Dr Clay?

She's the spit of someone I used to hang out with.

-EMMA:

-You really don't have to make this official.

You don't have to tell anybody.

Would you look at you!

I thought you were dead.