Do Geese See God? Doctors

MUSIC: Tired of Waiting For You by The Kinks

# So tired, tired of waiting

# Tired of waiting for you

# So tired, tired of waiting

# Tired of waiting for you...#

-Turn it off!

-Eh?

-Your wife is in labour, turn it off!

-All right.

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

-Damon?

-Yeah?

SHE EXHALES

What is it?

-Can you get me a...?

-A nurse?

The midwife?

No, no, no. No.

Can you get me a crossword?

I'm going to be stuck in here forever.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Morning!

Seeing as though you couldn't be bothered to come downstairs, I've made you breakfast.

Karl? Breakfast.

-Oh, it's you.

-Who were you hoping for, Selena Gomez?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Right, well, just remember, you're seeing Jimmi later.

No. I don't feel up to it. Do I have to?

That's kind of the point. You're not well and you need answers.

Is there anything else I can do for you before I go?

-Can you pass my pants?

-Are you serious?

Would you ask Selena Gomez to pass you your pants?

I might do, yeah.

SHE SIGHS

Karl, these are sodden!

Er...I went for a walk yesterday and got soaked.

You could have told me, I would've washed them for you.

-Don't worry, I'll sort it.

-Ta.

HE SIGHS

Oh!

-So, how's the pain?

-Oh, it's not good.

I don't mind him kicking, but I wish he'd take his hobnail boots off.

Well, I can give you some gas, if you need it?

No, not yet.

If it gets too bad, I'll just whack Damon.

It's true, she's a monster!

I was talking to your little boy earlier.

-Aw, Joshy!

-How's he doing?

Yeah, not bad. Tired.

He was asking me, "Are you the lady that climbs inside Mummy's tummy

"and pulls my baby brother out?"

I said, "Yeah, something like that".

That's so sweet! Ooh! Actually, we've got a favour to ask you.

-Oh, yeah?

-So Josh has been an only child his whole life

and we're a bit worried about him getting jealous.

So we've told him that when babies are born,

they bring their older brother or sister a present.

So, when it's all over and the family come around to meet the baby,

can you tell Josh that you also delivered this?

Oh, I'm...I'm really sorry, I...I couldn't possibly.

-What?

-It's against all medical ethics.

You are kidding, right?

I am kidding. Oh, I think it's a great idea!

Hey, I have never delivered a teddy bear before.

I'm going to put it on my CV.

Right, I'm going to go and get him.

I don't know what's wrong with him. It's like he's turned into a zombie.

Well, that's a possibility. I mean, it would certainly save on the food bill.

Seriously, though, Emma, he's not himself.

What if it's a brain tumour?

Oh, come on, that's a bit of a jump, isn't it?

Look, he's seeing Jimmi. If there's anything neurological, then he'll refer him.

So, what am I meant to do?

Expect the worst, hope for the best and try and keep cheerful.

OK, you're about eight centimetres dilated,

I think you've got about one, two hours.

Oh! Just time to go shopping, then(!)

RUHMA CHUCKLES

How's that pain?

Yeah, it's not too bad, actually.

Ooooh!

All right. Listen, do you want to try a little bit of gas,

see how you get on?

SHE INHALES

That's it.

Oh! That was intense.

Oh! I'll remind him of this when he says,

"Mum, what have you ever done for me?"

Well, one of the things you can do is stay upright as possible, yeah?

Gravity helps.

Hey, if the pain gets any worse, we can do the alternatives.

-There's epidural...

-No, I'd rather not.

-All right.

-I'll just try and keep myself distracted.

Can you pass me that paper?

Are you a bit of a crossword fan?

I used to be, until my brain turned to mush.

RUHMA CHUCKLES

Oh, this is a weird one, though.

Half the answers are palindromes.

-You what?

-You know, um...

words and phrases that spell the same backwards.

Like, a man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

-No?

-Nuh-huh!

Oh! I just can't get this one, though.

Can wildfowl witness the almighty?

Two, five, three, three.

No, search me. My other half, he's the crossword genius.

-But he's sunning himself in Tuscany.

-Oh, it's all right for some.

Hey, babe, they're five minutes away. Hide the bear.

Oh, right. Can you...? Do you mind if...?

Ooooooooooh!

OK. Deep breaths.

They're coming much quicker now.

Yeah? Well, you're nearly there.

He's going to be making an appearance soon.

It doesn't feel right. It feels funny.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-OK, well, let's give you a CTG

and see what's happening. Let's get you on the bed first.

-That'd be good.

-When you're ready. Just take your time.

-Oh!

-All right? That's it. Let's get those legs up.

-Oh!

-All right.

-OK?

-Ooh!

Right.

-Where are you?!

-Karen, would you like...?

We need to talk about this JJ bloke.

I'll talk to myself, then, shall I?

Oh, Daniel. Would you like a...?

Valerie? No, no, that's fine!

-Pitman!

-No, it's not breaking patient confidentiality

and I'm really glad that you phoned.

For the 17th time this week!

No, that's fine. Make sure you call if there's anything else. OK, bye.

Oh, yes, do call again with your never-ending, witless wittering(!)

She wants to learn.

Huh! Valerie can't learn! She's incapable!

It'd be like trying to teach a pit-bull how to be a prima ballerina.

-A little bit harsh.

-I'm fed up with her.

She's phoning at least 10 times a day to say,

"Look at me with my patient confidentiality".

It's not my idea and I don't know that there's any way to stop her.

You see, it's not trapped wind, we are actually having a baby.

Oh, Damon! See what I have to put up with?

Oh, I think that's your baby brother's heartbeat.

It's going ba-boom, ba-boom.

It won't be long now, mate.

Oh, I think I hear a noise! It sounds like,

"Hello, Joshua, I'm your baby brother. I'm coming!"

Hello, baby brother!

So, what pain relief has she had?

She's had a bit of gas and air.

Keep an eye on this one, she was a midwife herself back in the day.

-Really?

-What was the name of that woman you used to work with,

-Florence Nightingale(?)

-It wasn't that long ago.

'67 to '78.

Well, a lot's changed since then.

I should say so. We used to go around in pairs.

There was one to look after the mother and one to stay with the baby.

-That's nice.

-I suppose they can't afford it now.

-Everything's been stretched so thin.

-Yeah, tell me about it.

And I always had to wear masks when we were delivering.

Well, you didn't want to frighten the baby, did you(?)

Oh, you are awful!

Hey, and another thing, there were no men allowed on the labour ward.

They all had to wait down the pub.

Down the pub? Now, why didn't I think of that, eh?

-Ooh!

-Are you all right?

Ah! Just about.

Oh! I think he's doing a dance routine in here, Joshy.

I think we possibly could do with a bit more room in here.

That means clear off, you two!

We're going to get an ice cream.

-Thanks, Mum.

-Bye.

-Bye, Joshy.

Ohhh!

Oh!

-What is it?

-Er...it's probably nothing,

but there's some irregularities with his heartbeat.

What?

I tell you what, I'm going to get a second opinion.

You, take deep, deep breaths and relax. I'll be right back.

(It's all right.)

PHONE BLARES

Do you mind turning that down?

Thank you.

Hiya! You found it OK, then?

Yeah. I'm not mental, so...

I know, but, um...do you want me to come in with you?

No, I really don't.

You're not Mum and I'm not ten years old.

OK, well, however old you are, you're always going to be my baby brother.

Karl Lee?

That way.

Good luck.

-What are they saying?

-How would I know?

It's not good. They're trying to avoid eye contact.

Hey.

Right, um...there are some concerns.

Baby's heart rate's very low

and it could be that he's not getting enough oxygen.

So, what are we going to do?

Well, you're nearly 10cm dilated, so you should be able to deliver.

So every contraction, I need you to push

and between the contractions, you rest. Yes?

-Just try and stay calm.

-How am I meant to do that?!

What you need to do is you take deep, deep breaths

and you let the whole of your body really relax,

especially your pelvic floor.

-Can you read me a crossword clue?

-What?

Just something, anything, just to take my mind off of this!

-Oooooooooooh!

-OK. OK.

That's it.

SHE PANTS

-Damon!

-Yeah, OK. Um...

One across - love in the eternal city.

-Eternal city.

-Five, four.

Oh, the eternal city is, um...Rome.

Amore Roma.

Ooooooooooh!

All right, so it's 115 over 80, which is good.

I didn't think it was blood pressure.

So, er...what do you think's wrong with you?

I just feel like I'm 110.

Waking up's an effort.

Getting dressed's an effort.

This morning, even walking down the driveway to get to the taxi

felt like a 20-mile-route march.

You were in the army, weren't you?

I still am...hopefully.

-How are you finding it?

-I love it.

Before the army, I was just drifting.

But then I joined and suddenly my life had a shape to it.

But now...

-Have you seen much action?

-Nah.

I'm a mechanic, so just...

..fixing vehicles and stuff, mainly.

Right. Do you remember what vaccinations you had in the army?

I don't know. Does it matter?

Probably not. I can always call them and find out, anyway.

Oh, I can't take much more of this!

-Yes, you can, babe.

-I can't!

You can do it. You'll be fine. You can do anything.

OK, one more big push. Come on!

Ten, nine, eight. Aaarrrggghhh!

He's coming! Come on! He's coming!

OK.

Yeah! You did it! You did it!

HE CHUCKLES

Hey, why...why is there no crying?

Gemma, the baby's not responding well.

We're going to go to the NCU and do everything we can, OK?

Hey, hey, hey. I love you, OK?

I love you. It's going to be all right. Hey.

(It's all right.)

Oh! I've got a message here for Daniel.

You can pass it on yourself because he's now having a video call with Valerie.

Is he? What's that about?

Oh, I don't know. Paperclips in the modern workplace(?)

Risk assessment of wet teabags(?)

What was the message?

Um...when you get a minute, can you call Valerie?

Right now, I can think of plenty of things to call Valerie.

She's a bit in your face, but it's not like they're going to run off together.

Obviously, they're not going...

OK. Karen, I wasn't going to say this to anyone, but...

Can you keep a secret?

-Yes.

-Do you swear?

On my life.

This morning at about 3:00am, I woke up and I was freezing cold as usual

because Daniel had hogged the duvet, and I...

..I heard him muttering in his sleep.

What was he saying?

"Valerie! This is wrong!"

-No?!

-It probably doesn't mean anything.

I-I should never have told you!

Um...no, I mean, that...that doesn't mean there's anything going on!

Um...he's mentoring her and in his dream,

she's made a mistake and he's correcting her,

and he's saying, "Valerie, that's wrong".

But what was she doing in his dream?!

Well, you can't blame her for that.

She is in our faces in every aspect of our lives.

She is this needy, greedy, human octopus,

and I just wish she would get her tentacles off Daniel!

But that doesn't mean that there's...

PHONE RINGS

Nah! Oh, I'm ever so sorry, I've got to...

Go, Gobby!

The Mill Health Centre.

Do you want me to phone your mum?

And say what?

You never know, they can do incredible things these days.

BABY WAILS

I'm...I'm really sorry.

We...we tried to do everything that we could.

No, but he's...

That's not my baby, is it?

-SHE SOBS

-Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

OK, bye-bye.

-Hi, love.

-Why didn't you answer your phone?

Because I have just been apprehending a drunk and abusive shoplifter

and surprisingly, I needed both my hands.

-Fair point.

-Anyway, he was only around the corner,

so I thought I'd pop in and find out what you want.

Have you managed to find anything out about this JJ bloke?

-Yes, I have.

-And...? Are you going to tell me?

You already know the answer to that question.

Although I can tell you that Mrs Tembe is not in any imminent danger.

What does that mean? Is she going to be in any danger next Tuesday?

What that means is that JJ hasn't committed any crimes,

although he does have a friend who can help us with our enquiries.

And his friend, can you tell me what he's done?

No!

SHE SIGHS

What did he...?

Um...how did he...?

We don't know yet, but with your permission,

we would like maybe to do a postmortem.

But all the tests and scans, he was fine.

And he was fine. He was developing normally,

but there must have been some underlying condition.

-Did I do something wrong?

-No!

No, you did not do anything wrong.

We did everything we could to revive him.

Would you like to see him? He is...

He's very beautiful and...he looks like he's sleeping.

Would you like to?

I do want to.

OK. Well, I will go and get him.

Could you do something for me? For Josh?

Zara thinks that Daniel and Valerie might become a thing.

Weird!

It does seem rather unlikely.

It's like she's jealous.

-Maybe she's having a midlife crisis.

-Mm.

Hi, Rob. I was hoping I could have a word with you.

Ditto.

It's all right.

The consultant's explained everything.

I'm so sorry.

I could tell something was wrong.

Midwife's instinct.

-You were lovely with her.

-Thank you.

I've been there myself.

It's like you develop a... a second skin.

You're warm and friendly one minute

and the next, it's time to be strong.

And you put on this suit of armour.

SHE SOBS

It's going to be very difficult for you all.

We'll be strong.

Gemma's asked me to do something for Joshua and...

Perhaps you could come with me?

Hey, Josh.

That's good.

Josh?

I've got some really sad news.

You know that you were expecting a baby brother?

Well, he wasn't very well and he... he couldn't stay with us for very long.

But he gave me a present for you. Look.

I want you to look after this and love it

just the way you would've looked after him.

Because I know you would've been the best big brother in the world.

What time is it?

I don't know. 10:00? 11:00?

We've been here forever.

What was that crossword clue again?

Which one?

The palindrome. Wildfowl something or other.

Can wildfowl witness the almighty?

Mm.

Do geese see God?

That's it.

It's the same backwards as it is forwards.

That's clever.

Do you think they do see God?

What?

When they fly across the sea?

I don't know.

I guess they just have to keep moving in case they fall.

Yeah. You're right.

Just keep moving.

Yeah, it's weird.

Literally, ten minutes after you came looking for him, he showed up on my doorstep.

Yeah, that is weird, and very convenient.

It turns out he's not AWOL. He's been signed off sick,

but the medical officer forgot to tell anyone.

Really? Are you sure about that?

Yeah, he showed me an e-mail, it's all legit.

Yeah, well, anyway, I still want to speak with him.

He's in with Jimmi at the moment. Why don't I make you a coffee?

Mm.

Is my next patient here yet?

Only if he's got a very good disguise.

Ah, great. Time for a coffee, then.

Hey, I've just had a heart-to-heart with Zara.

Lucky you(!)

-You know Daniel is mentoring Valerie?

-Yeah.

So Zara is getting jealous.

She's going on about Valerie being some human octopus,

-getting her sucker pads on him.

-No!

I know it's not going to happen, but it's going through her head.

But that's ridiculous! Oh, she can't really think that!

Well, who knows what Zara thinks?

I mean, she's all icy on the outside,

but, you know, she's warm on the inside, like a baked Alaska.

Baked Alaskas are cold on the inside.

OK, like an inside-out baked Alaska.

You should ask her when you go on your conference whatsit.

-Don't remind me.

-Huh!

-Valerie!

-Sorry I'm late. You would not believe the day I've had!

We need to have a word.

There are some practical things that we need to talk about.

-So, is, um...is now a good...

-As good as any.

In the next few days, your milk is going to come in, Gemma,

and some women, they find it very upsetting,

but we can give you something to prevent it.

Oh, I don't want that. I've had more than enough pills.

I actually want to feel like a mum.

Hm.

Gemma, there's a programme at the hospital

where you can donate breast milk.

I'd love that. I know mums find it really hard.

For me, it was just...

Right. We also need to fix up another meeting.

It's to go through the issues and the results of the postmortem.

I am here for you, whenever you need me,

and I can come to your house,

or you can come in here, you can talk to the consultant.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks.

Hello, my love.

What can I do for you, my love? What can I do?

I thought you were going to bring a cake?

Oh, yes, but...I didn't think you'd want it.

Well, of course I want it!

It's my son's birthday.

I know he didn't live for very long, but we're going to celebrate today

and every 7th April for the rest of my life.

MUSIC: Tired of Waiting For You by The Kinks

# It's your life

# And you can do what you want

# Do what you like

# But please don't keep-a me waiting

# Please don't keep-a me waiting

# Because I'm so tired

# Tired of waiting...#

So, how come you ran off like that?

-What do you mean?

-Well, without saying goodbye to anyone.

I'm not surprised they thought you'd gone AWOL.

I had a lot of personal stuff and health stuff and, um...

I...I just...

Is there something you're not telling me?

-Why would there be?

-I don't know.

You and I, we both wear a uniform and sometimes, that can make us

a target for idiots to have a go, or worse.

No. No, it's nothing like that.

I just needed to get away for a bit.

I'm OK now, so...

What's all this about?

I want to thank you for being a manager,

but I think I'm going to have to manage without you.

I think Emma should be my manager.

Is there something I've done?

No, no. Daniel, you've been wonderful.

Something I've said?

Look, this is so awkward.

I know that you think I'm needy

and I know that Zara thinks I'm a home-wrecker,

but I really wouldn't want to come between you two.

Sorry, what?!

What you have is so precious.

And I'm very sorry if I've endangered it.

Well, you haven't.

I mean, I...

Zara doesn't feel threatened at all.

We're just so happy to see you growing in confidence.

I don't know where you'd get such a thought.

Well, the whole surgery's talking about it.

-Daniel?

-Can you tell me why Valerie just came to my room in tears?

I don't know. Has she seen a picture of a poorly kitten?

She seems to think that she's coming between us.

That you see her as some kind of a threat.

Now, why would she think that?

Oh, dear. I may have mentioned something

to the Gobby Broadcasting Corporation.

You are unbelievable!

Valerie has no self-confidence,

so you start some sleazy rumour, get everyone gossiping about her.

-Why?

-She was getting unbearable.

On and on, like a dripping tap.

"Is it acceptable to do this? Am I allowed to do that?"

She's trying to get better at her job, Zara.

And as a partner, one would think that you'd be on board with that.

I'm sorry, I was just trying to have a bit of fun.

-Fun?!

-She was getting on my nerves!

So you decide to torment her and make my job even more difficult!

Great job(!)

Thank you so much(!)

SHE SIGHS

Hey! Got your clothes for you.

Cheers. Thanks.

So, did Jimmi have any particular theories?

Not really, no.

He prodded and poked me for a bit and just said he'd be in touch.

-Well, Jimmi's the best. You're in safe hands.

-Yeah.

Would you be offended if I got an early night?

Offended? No. Um...a bit worried, though.

It's OK, Ayesh, it's nothing to worry about, I...

I'm just going through a bit of a bad patch.

Yeah, I know. If you say so.

-Good night, then.

-Good night. Thanks.

SHE SIGHS

-Help me breathe!

-I'm going to need an ambulance.

What if they realise you're high?

Go home now, or you'll lose your job.

-They...they'll kill me.

-Well, they aren't here,

whereas the drugs leaking inside your stomach, they will kill you.

-That's an awful lot of drugs.

-Yes, it is.

Will I really have to give them all to you?

-I had one cut, for emergencies.

-(What?!)