I Don't Do Animals (Part One) Doctors

# I was blind, now I can see

# You made a believer out of me

# I'm movin' on up now

-ZARA:

-# Gettin' out of the darkness

# My light shines on

# My light shines on

# My light shines on... #

Welcome to Full Moon Reservation!

-DANIEL CHUCKLES

-You've got to be kidding me.

Is that your mate?

I don't know. Dave?

Oh, I've not been Dave for years, Jimbo! It's Skip now.

Skip Stone. Good to see you.

-All right?

-Look at you, boys!

Must have been a little cosy in there.

Thought you'd cuddle-up, have a bit of a cootch?

Yeah, a last-minute change of plan, it was his fault.

Yeah, long story.

Well, you're here now and we're heading into the big,

beautiful wild.

Plenty of space out there. Come on, follow me!

Whose idea was this?

I am so sorry.

DANIEL CHUCKLES

Deep breaths, boys. That is the perfume of Mother Earth.

He's a madman. Where does Jimmi know him from, again?

I think they know each other at sixth form, something like that.

It's no excuse. Remind me to give Jimmi a slap.

DANIEL CHUCKLES

What's with the bear skin?

Picked it up at the car boot. Thought it was perfect

-for this weekend. What do you think?

-A bit musty.

Yeah, I thought that.

I chucked a bit of carpet freshener at it, but you know,

still good for setting the scene, eh?

What is the scene, by the way?

Well, Jimbo rang and gave me free range to do whatever I wanted.

I was chuffed cos there's something I'd been desperate to try,

but not had chance.

So you guys are going to be my guinea pigs.

Brace yourselves, boys, I'm going to be experimenting on you.

Doing what?

The possibilities are endless.

This beautiful countryside is mine, but for two days it's yours,

too, and we can do whatever the hell we want.

All this land is yours?

Ah, I wish! My parents. But they're not interested. Retired.

Living it up in Tobago.

I don't farm, though, not my thing.

Make more than enough money using the land doing what I really want to do.

And what is it you really want to do?

Whatever I want. I run all sorts of courses here.

Climbing, kayaking, bit of glamping, bit of camping, you know?

I'm not keen on tents.

Don't worry, big fella, no tents here, promise.

But we are bringing our bags into the woods?

Ah, spotted that, did you?

Fear not, gentle travellers,

tonight you are being put up at The Spread Eagle.

A palace amongst palaces.

I'm sure we'll be fine as long as they serve real ale, eh, Al?

Al?

No, this guinea pig refuses to take one more step until

he finds out why he's walking into the middle of the woods.

-Come on.

-No, Jimmi.

All right, boysies, let's not get our knickers into a twisties.

It's no big secret.

We're off to embrace Mother Earth on a most profound level.

Meaning...?

I'm going to change your lives.

You're going to experience the fundamental truth of

a Native American sweat lodge.

What?

He is making us go into the middle of this wood to participate in

a New Age, naked, sweaty, male-bonding naked sweaty session.

And I for one say, no, thank you.

Don't worry. I'll be looking out for you.

I'll get him.

Al!

Thanks, Ayesha, I'll do my best. All right, bye.

Hardly a latte, but it'll do.

Thanks.

I can't believe you actually made a CD.

There's some quite good stuff on here, all the Manchester stuff.

-You know, Britpop.

-I know.

Some quite naff stuff, too, though.

Like what?

Modjo - Lady (Hear Me Tonight)?

That was from my clubbing days.

I used to love dancing to that.

You were a clubber?

Had my moments.

What?

Nothing, that's just not my thing, that's all.

What was your thing?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I told you.

Fine. Rock.

You were a rock chick?!

I had my moments.

So, what did Ayesha say?

When?

Just now. On the phone.

I heard you. "I'll do my best."

Well, we'd been chatting about how I was going to survive this trip.

And we decided that in order to save my sanity,

I should just agree with everything you say.

Well, that's unfair.

You can't pre-judge the trip. You can't pre-judge me like that.

You did ask.

You make me sound like I'm a controlling monster.

You said it.

I am not controlling!

All right, OK.

Come on, we need to get going, otherwise we'll be late.

SHE SIGHS

This sacred land is home to your Native American sweat lodge.

It resides between the posts of the white north of courage,

the red east of wisdom, the black west of your family's spirits,

and the yellow south of healing.

Tomorrow's ceremony will be unique to each of you.

It will purify your mind, body,

and heart, returning you to the womb of Mother Earth.

Before entering the lodge each of you shall have to connect with

yourself and each other.

It is through this connection that you will ultimately come to

better understand your place in the Universe.

Give me strength.

You promised.

Skip, where is this sweat lodge?

Right here. You just haven't built it yet.

These are your tools.

Mother Earth will provide the materials.

The rest is up to you.

So, we're building the sweat lodge?

Yes!

With your help, though, yeah?

These days are about you, not me.

I will enable you but you will need to choose a leader.

Someone you can rely on to impart my knowledge.

I nominate Sid.

-SID LAUGHS

-No chance.

I nominate Sid as well.

Jimmi! Stop it, mate. I don't want to do it.

It'll be good for you.

I don't care. Daniel, you're a natural leader.

People want to follow you. They usually just leave me behind.

Please, mate.

No, I was a leader in that zombie thing.

I nominate Sid as well.

I'm not doing it!

The decision has already been made.

By the end of this day each of you shall have each earnt your

animal name.

But for now you alone have that honour.

I name you...leader.

I name you...Lion King.

Ah!

JIMMI CHORTLES

It's dead.

Do you think(?)

"I think" it's an electrical fault.

It's why the lights went off and why the GPS went down.

It had nothing to do with my prodding!

I apologised about that!

I'm just saying.

What now?

OK, we walk down that hill to get help.

-I saw a house.

-I didn't.

Well, I did. Come on.

It'll be an adventure.

Some adventure.

Move!

I've got flats in my bag if you need them?

I would rather die.

SHE SIGHS

Dig the tarpaulin in here and here, OK?

I think so.

What's your name?

Sid.

No.

Oh. Lion King.

You've got this. They'll listen.

You've just got to believe in yourself.

OK.

Good, then say it.

I believe.

Good. I'll see you in a few hours.

But... Where are you going?!

I've got stuff to do.

You can't just leave us.

You've all the tools you need.

Yeah, but...

What?

What if we need the toilet?

Find a tree.

What if we need more than just a pee?

So we haven't found the house, then?

No.

And we don't know where we are?

Apparently not.

EMMA LAUGHS

What's so funny?

This is! It's a disaster.

Any joy?

No, nothing. It's a proper piccalilli.

Excuse me?

It's what my mum used to say when things didn't go according to plan.

A proper piccalilli.

A proper piccalilli.

Yes. A piccalilli that is proper.

SHE LAUGHS

That's ridiculous!

We're on our way. Yay!

It's a start.

It's a start, yeah.

He's not playing much, is he, boss?

I'll get him.

He's getting excited about a circle in the dirt.

Ah, well, yeah, you know.

Give him a chance.

How did you get Al to come back to us?

I told him that we are all here for Sid and that he would regret

it forever if he walked away from this bonding experience.

-He didn't fall for that?

-No, he didn't.

I had to tell him that he didn't have to take part in

-the ceremony and that I'd buy all the beers at The Spread Eagle.

-That makes more sense.

So, now we're on the second stage of the build now, which involves...

Eight fatalities.

What?

In the last 20 years,

eight westerners have died trying to build a sweat lodge.

Heat exhaustion,

dehydration and, if the rocks are too wet or dry, they can explode.

Ka-boom! Goodbye, cruel universe.

Al...

What? Just stating facts in a dramatic fashion.

Well, don't say "facts" in any kind of fashion, eh, Sid?

Right, yeah, we are...

On the second stage of the build?

Yes. Thank you. Which involves wood.

We need wood.

Wood. Woopdidoo(!) I'll get it.

# I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK... #

We only need branches, Al.

# I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra... #

Al... Al...

Don't worry, I'll tell him.

OK, sorry for being grumpy.

Oh, it's all right.

It's not, though, really, is it?

I can be such a...

Cowbag?

Cowbag. All right, yeah.

Why are women so competitive in friendships?

I'm not.

What's that supposed to mean?

I've got loads of friends who are women who I'm not competitive with.

Who?

Well, Niamh and Ayesha, for starters.

You're not competitive with them?!

Why would I be? They're my friends.

Were you competitive with Lena?

Sorry...

What now?!

I'm going to be the leader now.

Because you are just a cowbag.

-That should be enough now, I reckon.

-Yeah.

Beats work, doesn't it?

Yeah. So tranquil out here.

Anywhere's tranquil without Valerie.

You know she only talks so much because she's insecure?

I just wish she'd talk to someone else.

You're Daniel Granger. Having to beat them off with a stick

just comes with the territory, doesn't it?

Have you got a girlfriend at the moment?

I wish.

Why not?

If I knew that, I wouldn't be without a girlfriend, wouldn't I?

Why do you think?

I don't know? What is this, 20 questions?

I don't know. I guess some women just find me annoying,

others think I work too hard.

My mum and dad cracked it,

but I don't think I ever will.

CREAKING

AL AND JIMMI: Timber!

AL DOES TARZAN YODEL

-That was like Bear Grylls!

-That was more like Grizzly Adams, mate!

What have you done?! That's not a branch, is it?

Oh, it doesn't matter!

-I thought you were telling him?

-I was going to. But then, you know...

-It was taking too long.

This way was much more fun.

"More fun", ha-ha-ha!

But we don't need it! You just killed a tree for no reason!

I thought he was the hippy around here.

But you can't ...

But nothing, Sidney.

The man who spends his life dressed as a bear

so that Mother Nature will provide for you and she has.

She's provided us with the means to make the mother of all sweat lodges.

Come on, you two, put your backs into it.

Drag this beast back to the clearing.

BULL BELLOWS

Did you hear that?

I'm not deaf!

I cannot believe that you made me do this!

I don't do off-piste. I don't do animals!

-The animals are in another field!

-You don't know that!

There could be a bull over the brow of that hill preparing to charge!

The sign for Chitting-whatever-the-hell-it-is

said over there!

They're hardly likely to put a bull in a field that's

a public footpath, are they?

I don't know, because I don't watch Countryfile.

BULL BELLOWS

-Did you hear that?!

-Yes! Stop asking me that!

-It's getting closer!

-No, it's not!

It's following us. Maybe it can smell my fear!

Then perhaps we should move...

Look, what I'm wearing! I'm a sitting target.

People have been killed by cows!

Then perhaps we should move a little faster.

BULL BELLOWS

Head for that gate, it's nearer.

I hate you so much!

Then start channelling that hate and run!

I hate you!

BULL BELLOWS

I hate you!

Ah! Oh!

I hate you so much right now!

EMMA LAUGHS

Have I mentioned that I hate you?

Once or twice. Keep saying it if it helps.

EMMA LAUGHS

And I hate people laughing at me.

I'm not laughing at you. Well, all right, maybe a little bit.

BULL BELLOWS

And I hate that bull.

I'm going to buy that bull and I am going to eat him steak by steak!

BULL BELLOWS AND CAR APPROACHES

-What's that?

-It's a car. It's a car!

Hello. Thank you so much for stopping.

We really need some help...

Dang, girl. Look at you! All messed up.

Yes, well, we've had a bit of bother.

You see, our car's broken down and so we would really appreciate a lift...

A lift?

Yes, to a garage. Or at least to somewhere where our phones will work...

Not happening.

I'm sorry? What's not happening?

That ain't coming nowhere near my car.

How dare you talk to me like that!

Blud crew, it talks!

THEY LAUGH

You need to learn some manners!

And you need to chill your ting.

You'll have a heart attack and you got a lot of walking to do.

Bumpkin chavs!

You what?

We have had a hell of a day.

And we would so appreciate...

Argh!

THEY LAUGH

There we go. A central support pillar. A far better system.

We'll be done in no time.

-I don't think it's what we're supposed to do.

-Yeah, chill out, Simba.

I know you're annoyed with me because we came in Daniel's car

and it broke, but that wasn't my fault.

And it wasn't my fault that the Boyz n the Hood wouldn't give us a lift.

If you want to punish me, punish me by talking to me.

Call me a cowbag again. I can handle that.

I was a cowbag last week to Valerie. I don't know why I do it.

I wish I was more like you. I'm jealous of you.

People like you. They don't like me. Not really.

You have friends. People who ask you out.

Patients who like you. I don't have anyone.

The only men I've been with

have only been with me because the sex was good.

The only people in the world who like me

are my dad and Daniel and Joe.

Just three people in the whole world.

Shut up. Shut up. Just shut up!

SHE SIGHS

Zara, people would like you if you just showed that you cared.

That you're human, like the rest of us.

That your perfect little life with Daniel, Joe, your career,

the house, wasn't quite so perfect!

That you struggle like the rest of us.

It's not rocket science!

Jealous? Jealous of me?!

I'm the monster. Not you!

I destroy everything and everyone.

They either leave me in pieces or they die.

If I could swap lives with you,

right now, I would do it in an instant!

You don't mean that. Your life is...

My life? What? What is my life?!

Two weeks ago all I wanted to do was drown in a sea of nothingness,

so I swallowed some pills.

That's my life.

Don't.

OK, OK.

Hello.

-Hello!

-Hi.

-Hello.

-You two look like you've had better days?

We have. Our car broke down,

and our phones don't work.

They won't, not here. No signal.

You're in a black spot.

That's an understatement.

What happened to your clothes?

A cow incident.

Oh, sorry, you don't have cows, do you?

No. I have sheep.

I like sheep.

Good!

Look, we need a phone. And a drink.

There's nothing around here but my farm.

You can call from there, if you like.

Great.

Hop in.

Hold tight.

That is nothing like I showed you.

There's a ruddy tree in there, what were you thinking?

You were the leader.

It was your responsibility to get it built properly.

We just went along with a new design, didn't we?

New design? Problem with the old one, was there?

We thought it would work just as well, didn't we, Al?

No scapegoating.

That is not a Native American sweat lodge. It's an abomination.

Oh, well.

Let's call it a day and go to the pub, then.

We really can't use it?

I just said, didn't I?

We're all pretty knackered.

So maybe we should just go to the pub, have a drink and come back tomorrow.

-Could do.

-Agreed. Skip, do you want to lead the way?

We've not heard from Lion King yet.

Hakuna Matata.

Lion King, what do you want to do?

Where is he?

I've just seen him coming out of the barn.

What is he doing in there?! He's supposed to be getting us a drink.

I don't know, maybe he's getting us more clothes.

You do look good in tweed, you know.

Stop it. I don't like this at all.

It's all getting a bit Wolf Creek.

He's harmless. He's just a lonely farmer.

Who collects tea towels.

Just because he collects tea towels doesn't mean that he's a psycho killer.

Anybody who collects anything has the potential to be a psycho killer.

I collect wine bottles.

Anyway, you'll be all right - he likes you. You're well in there.

(Shut up.)

Here we go. Sit yourselves down.

Oh!

Tea in the pot and sandwiches.

Mother said I should.

Your mother's here?

No. She's in Dumfries and Galloway. Dead.

But she always insisted I showed politeness to guests.

You look very good in her things.

Thank you. It's awfully nice of you to lend them to me.

Oh, no, they're yours to keep.

I have no use for them.

I couldn't...

You can. And you shall.

OK, that's very kind.

She does look good in them, doesn't she?

She does.

HE LAUGHS

Look, Graham, we really need to book that taxi now.

Could you show us where your phone is?

Oh, yes, of course. Just let me get changed.

I want to show you something.

He wants to show us something.

Welcome to Wolf Creek.

SHE LAUGHS

We could be in the pub.

Skip'll be back in a couple of hours.

I repeat. We could be in the pub!

Well, we're not. We're doing this.

What were you thinking? It's a complete waste of time.

I was thinking I didn't want to fail.

I want to do this thing properly and be proud of what we've done.

I was proud of it.

No, you weren't!

You haven't wanted anything to do with this from the beginning. You set it up to fail.

And I don't want to.

I'm better then that, we all are.

If you want to go, just go.

But if you're going to stay, you're going to have to put a sock in it, all right?

HE PLAYS BAGPIPES BADLY

Well?

Lovely, have you been playing long?

Since I was a child but it's been a while since I've had them out

of the barn.

What did you think?

It's a very particular skill.

Thank you.

My parents were very proud of their heritage.

And I try to keep it alive whenever I get the chance.

That's great, but, Graham...

Do you think we can could that taxi now?

No! I mean, yes, of course...

..but later?

You've only just arrived.

Graham, we've been here for over an hour.

But I made sandwiches. And you've not touched them!

Well, I'm starving. I'll have one.

Mm! Interesting flavour. What is it?

Shrimp paste.

Shrimp paste?

Oh, dear. I'm not very good with crustaceans.

What's the matter?

-I have a...a...

-Seafood allergy?

Severe.

Severe seafood allergy.

Oh, my goodness, what do we do?

She needs to go to a hospital.

She could go into anaphylactic shock.

How do you know that?!

-Because I'm a doctor.

-It's what I do.

EMMA RETCHES

I don't like doctors. I've never liked doctors.

Graham, we need a taxi as soon as possible.

-Call us a taxi!

-All right, I'll call one.

EMMA GASPS AND WHEEZES

OK, you can stop now.

-Oh!

-You are so going to hell.

I'll see you there.

MUSIC: Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode

That is fantastic, yes.

We are finally at the Clementine Hotel and Spa.

You're a star. Thank you so much.

OK, local garage. Local knowledge. They've found the car.

They're going to drop our bags here

and bring the car back here tomorrow.

Oh, great! What now?

Back to your farmer boyfriend for a little nightcap?

In your dreams.

What I really need right now is a shower.

And then I'm going to buy you a very large glass of wine.

Make it an extra large gin and tonic and you've got a deal.

-Done.

-By the way, you're still a cowbag.

Lion King.

Snow Owl.

Black Fox.

Yeah!

Angry Bear.

DANIEL LAUGHS

Be proud of today.

You overcame obstacles and worked together to build this lodge.

A great achievement.

Tomorrow is far more about your internal journey.

To help you get in the right state of mind, you will need to fast.

What does that entail?

No food, except fruit. No drink, except water.

-More of a statement then a question.

-Forget you!

There's nothing I'm asking you to do that I'm not doing myself.

I am not going into a pub and not drinking.

Who said you were staying in a pub?

You did. The Spread Eagle.

You said it was a palace.

It is.

It's freezing,

we've run out of water and we're starving. Where is your mate?

He's not my mate. I don't know him any more.

I used to know him. I don't any more.

-I haven't had breakfast.

-Stick a Danish in your bag!

"Stick a Danish in your bag," why don't you stick a Danish in your...?

I need to eat and I need to eat now.

The big, beautiful wild is full of food.

The woods are full of rabbits.

ALL: Argh!