I Don't Do Animals (Part Two) Doctors

We're off to embrace the fundamental truth

of a Native American sweat lodge.

-I hate you so much.

-Then start channelling that hate and run.

Who said you were staying in a pub?

-The Spread Eagle.

-Yeah, you said it was a palace.

He's making us participate in

a naked, sweaty, male-bonding, naked, sweaty session.

Damn, girl. Look at you.

All messed up.

Bumpkin chavs.

SHE SCREAMS

MUSIC: Country House by Blur

You look perky.

Don't.

Why did you make me go on to red wine?

You didn't need that much convincing.

I'm dying a death.

I was supposed to be easing up on the drinking.

I think after the day we had we deserved it.

Mm!

Oh, that's good.

Right, I'm going to have two cooked breakfasts with extra sausage.

All right.

Oh, better be quick.

Why?

There she is!

Dr Reid, I presume?

Linda Pocock, NHS Central Chase.

-Good morning.

-It is, isn't it?

We are lucky, aren't we?

A beautiful part of the countryside we're in.

Have you had chance to see much of it yet?

A little bit, yesterday.

Oh, yes, Dr Carmichael said,

the car breaking down. Shame.

Still, you're here now.

These are yesterday's, so you can catch up.

Today's talks are equally inspirational, so don't worry,

you've not missed out.

Have you heard Malcolm Crumber

on inverted management structure before?

No, this will be my first time.

You never forget your first!

Five minutes in the main conference room OK for you both?

I haven't had breakfast.

Stick a Danish in your bag.

You don't want to go AWOL today as well, do you?

Actually, Linda, I would love to go AWOL.

Stick a Danish in my bag? Why don't you stick one in yours?

In a week's time, I'll be on a Caribbean island with Zara and Joe.

In a week's time, I will be on a Caribbean island with Zara and Joe.

Where is your mate, Jimmi?

-I don't know.

-It's freezing, we've run out of water and we're starving.

Where is your mate?

He's not my mate. I don't know him any more. I used to know him, I don't any more.

-Anyway, isn't there any fruit left?

-I'm not having any more apples.

-They're making me feel gippy.

-No apples left anyway.

There's this very squidgy-looking banana.

Or... What's this? Is it an apricot...?

Pass, thank you.

-You're loving this, aren't you?

-He's loving cuddling up to Daniel.

I was asleep, OK? I didn't know!

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Shut up. And, yes, Jimmi, actually I am loving this.

What? Standing around in the cold?

We built a shelter and we slept in it.

And today we're going to do something completely alien.

So, yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

-What?

-It's irritating.

-What is?

-Your enthusiasm.

Your desire to suck up to Skippy.

Look, I've been shying away from new things my entire life.

When Daniel asked me to take on some responsibility at the Mill,

I chose to be a fire warden!

So forgive me, but I'm choosing to take this

experience with Skip as a positive one.

I've learnt I can deal with new obstacles,

I can overcome new challenges.

Including you and your relentless pessimism.

I'm delighted for you.

I can't spend the day with the Cheshire Cat and Malcolm Crumber.

I am begging you, please.

Don't make me go through that door, it will kill me.

So...

..what about that door?

Oh, what treatments do you think they offer?

I think we need to find out.

But we are in Danish's laser vision.

OK, you leave her to me.

-I'll distract, you make a break for it.

-OK.

No, I'm not thirsty.

Is Mother Earth providing us with any food to eat today?

-Just the water.

-Oh, come on, Skip, we're starving!

Daniel nearly ate Sid earlier.

Are you not eating today, Skip?

I told you, as much as I can, I want to share this experience with you.

I camped out last night and fasted.

Believe me, boys, it's tough,

but it will enhance your sweat lodge experience.

I'm not interested in your naked sweat lodge experience...

Nobody's getting naked.

I'm interested in food.

I need to eat. And I need to eat now.

Tell you what. The big, beautiful wild is full of food.

The river, full of fish.

The woods, full of rabbits.

If Mother Earth smiles and provides you with something to eat, eat.

Just stay away from the sheep.

Right, let's get this show on the road.

Today is all about the preparation for this afternoon's ceremony.

Before it starts

you'll need to consider the anchors of your past

and the dreams of your future.

Keep smiling, boys. It's not as painful as it sounds.

And I'll be here to guide you.

I need one of you to build a fire and the others to help me

sort the stones and bring them up to the clearing.

Lion King, who do you suggest?

-I'll build the fire.

-Angry Bear, someone else might want to do it.

Yeah, but I'm a professional.

I used to be in the Cub Scouts.

'You're such a liar.'

That hurt so much.

Cowbag!

OK, OK.

It was a mistake.

I can only apologise.

But in my defence, I didn't know the therapist was a trainee.

It doesn't normally feel like that. That was painful. Way too painful.

And you don't usually look like some sort of a sunburnt chicken.

On the plus side, they haven't charged

and we can re-invest the money in a splendid dinner.

And think about it, you've turned a depilatory corner.

If you ever date again,

one day you're going to make someone extremely happy.

You've done well for yourself, haven't you?

I've done OK, I suppose.

You have a great job, work with people you like.

That's worth its weight.

Keeps you happy.

-I've only just realised that.

-What? You didn't before?

I used to pull the drawbridge up, you know, shut people out.

I went to Thailand recently, did a Buddhist course.

Made me reassess everything, you know?

-I do.

-I came back a lot happier, that's for sure.

Good for you.

It's keeping friendships going that's the hard thing.

It'll grow back.

It always does.

Blow your nose again.

You look nasty.

So...?

It's just...

..being here.

I can't stop thinking about Lena.

I can't bear it.

You really liked her, didn't you?

Yes.

And I ruined her life.

I'm a selfish cow.

Cowbag.

Cowbag!

Lena will get over you.

They always do.

Come on, you're not the cowbag.

I am, remember?

Pre-Daniel, I was awful.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and

just for a moment, I think I'm in someone else's bed...

and that Daniel is...just one of those men I picked up.

Just because I wanted to.

Just because I could.

And in that moment,

I am filled with self-loathing.

You hurt Lena because you cared.

I hurt those men because I didn't.

So, don't beat yourself up about it.

So I can wish for anything?

In reason.

-I wish I was a superhero.

-A superhero?

Yeah, Spider-Man.

Why Spider-Man?

He's thoughtful, but fearless.

Nothing really hurts him.

He's got his spider-sense.

Right. So he could see what's coming.

You know...

You know superheroes don't exist?

Nobody knows what's coming.

-You said I could wish for anything, so...

-Within reason.

It needs to be grounded.

Achievable.

You know what I'd like to know about?

Hmm?

The open marriage.

Now, how did that work?

If anyone ever slept with Daniel,

I would kill them.

Well, I was at school when I met Sam.

He was older than me.

And I liked the fact that he was older, but I didn't

"like him" like him, you know?

I was 16 when I got pregnant,

17 when I had Chris.

And Sam had his accident.

We...

We hadn't had sex for five years.

I loved Sam.

But I wasn't...

in love with him.

The open marriage made it work.

And then there was Howard.

-Don't you start.

-I'm not.

-Your face will swell up.

-It won't.

An anchor?

Something that holds you back,

-that tugs on you.

-I don't know.

There must be something.

Erm...

OK, being a manager. That's a bit challenging.

Not what I expected, that's for sure.

-What did you expect?

-I thought I'd find it easier.

Why? Surely management's challenging.

-That's what you get paid for.

-True.

-So why easier?

Because he's Daniel Granger, everything comes easy to him.

That's in your head, not mine.

I struggle with lots of things.

Such as?

Erm, being a partner to Zara,

being a father to two children from two different mothers.

I could have dealt with the whole Anthony thing a lot better.

I lost a lot of sleep over that.

-You lost sleep over it?

-Yeah, we all suffer from the same destructive,

niggling voices, Sid.

Confidence is a cloak you wear.

So how could you improve?

I could be more in the moment.

GROWLING

What was that?

A bear. An angry one.

-Where's Jimbo?

-He went into the woods with the shovel.

Right. You two stay here.

I'm off bear baiting.

What do you want?

Good job.

You've probably cut enough now.

I know.

So why are you still chopping?

Because I can.

Do you want a smoke?

No.

I'd like to talk.

-Why?

-Because today is about talking.

About preparing for the sweat lodge.

I'm not going to the sweat lodge.

But you can talk.

Just not to you.

Why not?

Because you, sir, are a charlatan,

even without your bearskin and fake plastic eyes.

-You're angry.

-You're good.

Why are you so angry?

Stop following me!

-Talk to me.

-I told you I don't want to.

-Leave me alone!

-No. I'm worried about you.

You know, I was so hungry this morning,

I thought I could smell bacon.

I figured like I must be hallucinating or something.

But I wasn't hallucinating, was I?

What? You not so chatty now?

See, I followed my nose.

I found your campervan.

Found you frying your bacon.

You are a fake.

You say you want to experience what we're experiencing,

but you want it between two slices of bread with some ketchup.

You want the big, beautiful wild, but from the comfort of your bed.

-You can get lost.

-I lied.

So what?

I said from the beginning that these days were about you, not me.

I was only ever a guide.

But you're not really angry at me, are you?

You don't know anything about me!

I am a doctor.

You cannot even begin to imagine what's going on in my head.

You don't believe this pseudo-psychological nonsense

you're trying to sell to people.

You probably just found it on Wikipedia

and dressed it up in Native American culture

so that you can make money on it.

I want nothing to do with you.

So am I.

-So are you what?

-A doctor.

-Get lost.

-Three years at Leeds.

Another five at Cardiff doing psychology.

-I don't believe you.

-I don't care if you believe me or not.

So why did you give it up?

Two years at Armgrove Prison

chatting to sex offenders was enough.

When my parents asked me to look after this place, I jumped.

I believe in this ceremony, Al.

Getting you out of your environment.

Talking. Experiencing things you haven't before.

It connects you to your true emotions.

You don't have to be a doctor to realise that.

I want a bacon sandwich.

-Not happening.

-You had one.

-I was hungry.

-I'm hungry.

Yeah, but I'm a type 2 diabetic. I need to eat when I'm hungry.

You know, I'd say I'd kill someone,

but when Daniel slept with Cherry

I felt like I'd been punched.

All the air rushed out of me.

I vomited. I was so lost.

But I couldn't show anyone.

-I wouldn't.

-Why not?

People expect me to be tough.

They need me to be tough.

Maybe I'm not.

You know...

that incident in the park?

Ah. The al fresco with Daniel?

I don't know. Maybe it's since having Joe,

but I was mortified.

I hated every second.

Every look.

But I felt like I had to put on this front,

this...this facade of indignation.

"You're all squares. Why don't you live a little?

"Be a little more like me."

That was a lie.

So I don't even know who I am.

Then you should let people in.

They're not that scary.

Oh, I can't do that.

Being indestructible

is all part of my mystique.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Is this you?

-No.

-Where did these come from?

-Someone from reception.

Well, let us not look a gift horse in the mouth.

Thank you, gorgeous.

I love those shorts.

THEY LAUGH

What are you doing, Al?

Going to give Mother Earth a helping hand.

What's that mean?

I'm going hunting.

-For what?

-Rabbits.

We're starving and there are millions of those about us.

Time to go John Rambo on their fluffy white tails.

-You in?

-Why not?

-Sid?

-I don't want to.

I like rabbits. I had one when I was a kid.

And a guinea pig.

Can't we just catch some fish from the river instead?

There aren't any fish in that river.

Skip said there was.

There wasn't any when I washed my bottom this morning.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to attend the course...

Don't mention it. Dr Carmichael explained everything.

-Did she?

-Some things are more important, aren't they?

Yes, I suppose so.

-Did you get the drinks?

-Oh, the Buck's Fizz?

-That was you?

-A little gesture.

Hope you don't mind.

I am a sucker for romance.

Romance?

Oh, goodness.

Please, tell me I haven't jumped the gun.

I haven't, have I?

-Erm...

-You haven't.

-Really?

-Yes.

And...?

She said yes.

Ohh!

I am thrilled.

This has never happened on a course of mine before.

So when's the big day?

-The big day?

-Next summer.

Summer!

Oh, I love a summer wedding!

But we would like to keep it under wraps for now,

if that's all right, Linda?

We'd be eternally grateful to you.

Mum's the word.

Not a soul. Promise.

I am so, so happy for you both.

And can I just say, you have made an excellent choice.

She is quite the catch.

-Isn't she just?

-PHONE BEEPS

That's the garage.

They're dropping off the car in an hour,

so we have to get packing.

But it has been lovely meeting you, Linda. Hasn't it, Em?

Oh, Za, yes, just lovely.

Come here, you two!

MUSIC: Venus by Bananarama

HE LAUGHS

THEY SHOUT

THEY BARK

-Take him down!

-Come here!

-Come back!

So what next? Off home?

I thought we were having dinner.

Well, that's a very generous offer.

Is this an early wedding present?

In your dreams.

I'm quite the catch, don't you know?

Can we leave our bags here? Thank you.

Lion King.

Snow Owl.

Black Fox.

As we bathe in the warmth of Angry Bear's fire,

we call upon the four winds to infuse our ceremony with truth.

We call upon the water of life

to mix with the winds

and carry our lifeblood to every corner of the universe.

And finally...

we call upon our dead relatives

to bear witness as we pull up our anchors

and move forward, unfettered by the past.

Mother Earth,

we thank you for this day,

for this world, for this opportunity.

Give us the strength as we pass from the darkness of yesterday

into the light of tomorrow.

Teach us to be kind to ourselves

and to forgive ourselves.

So that our feelings of sadness

may be replaced

with feelings of joy.

AL SOBS

Oh, I am stuffed.

Not pleasant.

A tasting course too many.

Can we have two waters, please?

Blud, it's ten minutes, what it matter?

The crew's in Subway.

And I got two-for-one on 12-inch meatballs. Let's do it!

You have got to be kidding.

Whoa. Dang, blud, check that out.

That is some older-girl hotty, right here.

You all right there, babes?

I'm very well, thank you.

-Do we know each other?

-Nah.

I'd so remember you.

You's scorchin', innit?

Scorchin'?

Yeah, fit, you know?

Well, thank you very much.

How fit would you say, exactly?

Out of ten.

Erm...

I didn't mean to interrupt proceedings...

It doesn't matter...

It does. I'm really sorry, everyone.

You've nothing to apologise for.

I do!

I'm so negative.

I'm just exhausted with myself.

I mean, Sid, you said that I was cynical. And you're right, I am.

It's so tiring.

I just want...

I just...

What is it that you want, Al?

I just want my dad.

I want him to know that I miss him.

I want him to know that...

although we weren't close,

it doesn't mean that we didn't love each other.

I want him to know that I remember him

and always will.

I've loved these two days.

-It's been fun.

-It's certainly been something.

I'm serious.

We should...

build on this when we get back.

Let's see how we go, eh?

Oh, don't be like that.

This has been good news for us both and you know it.

We could be the new Thelma and Louise.

May I remind you that Thelma and Louise died at the end of the film.

All right. Pooh and Piglet.

-I'll be Pooh and you can be...

-Don't push it.

Got it.

Cowbag and Piccalilli.

Cowbag and Piccalilli.

Oh, here we go.

HE SHOUTS

-THEY LAUGH

-Look at his...!

Right. Now, may I pick a tune from your CD?

Well, just this once.

Make it count.

MUSIC: Rocks by Primal Scream

HE SCREAMS

-Did you hear that?

-Hear what?

Nothing. I've been hearing things all morning.

-Hearing things?

-I'm like a bat.

-Coffee?

-With a dash of cyanide, please.

If this is how it starts, how am I going to tell him?

He's already lost one mom.

-What is it?

-Why don't you sit down?