Objects of Desire Doctors

# Homeless

# Homeless

# Moonlight sleeping on a midnight lake

# Homeless

# Homeless

# Moonlight sleeping on a midnight lake

-# And we are

-Homeless

-# We are

-Homeless

# Moonlight sleeping on a midnight lake

-# We are

-Homeless

# Homeless

# Homeless

# Moonlight sleeping on a midnight lake

-# Zio yami

-Zio yami

-# Zio yami

-Zio yami

# Nhliziyo yami

# Nhliziyo yami... #

Marlene was really upset.

Course she was, she's out of a job.

She's got her nice flat though.

Don't worry, we'll find somewhere. I've got some plans.

You and your plans.

I'm starving!

Ta-da!

Where'd you get those?

Nicked 'em from the kitchen first thing.

Marlene's secret stash.

Stealing, that is.

Want half of this, Cam?

Oh, ta.

There you go.

Do you want to come with?

No, no, not today.

I'm busy today.

Shush, don't you start on me!

Cam's got a job interview today, ain't you?

-Oh, aye?

-Job at the supermarket in Selly Heath.

Pushing trollies. Ain't it, Cam?

Facilities assistant, it is.

I got my letter - but not at the supermarket.

Well, best of luck with that, mate.

How'd he get that?

Shrink set it up for him.

Don't worry, I got a bun,

that'll make me feel better.

I hope he's going to be OK.

He'll be all right.

Least he'll never be alone with all them mates in his head.

Dave!

God, it's cold.

It'll warm up.

Dave, what are we going to do?

What we always do.

We keep going.

It'll get better.

No, it won't!

Come here.

I'm so glad I've got you.

-I don't know what I'd do...

-Shush!

Shush. Eh? Things will be OK, you'll see.

Oh, yes.

No, no, no, they are very stout.

Have you broken them in yet?

Broken them where?

Well, you have to break them in so you do not get blisters.

Cobblers!

Oh! Forgive me!

You know everything, of course, Dr Haskey!

You're actually doing this then?

I most certainly am.

The open road before me,

adventure is in the air.

-Doing what?

-He's walking to Lichfield.

Why?

It is the 12th of December, 1731,

-and a true hero is born.

-Here we go.

Erasmus Darwin was a physician,

philosopher, botanist,

inventor, poet,

abolitionist.

And he lived in Lichfield.

He lived, loved and transformed the knowledge of his fellow man.

Any relation to Charles, the evolution guy?

Charles Darwin was his grandson.

Erasmus, genius that he was,

came up with a coherent theory

some 70 years before Charles put his mind to it.

"Organic life began beneath the waves,

"hence without parent

"by spontaneous birth,

"arise the first specks

"of animated earth."

Are you still going on about that, Dr Haskey?

He anticipated natural selection

in his great scientific work...

Zoonomia!

Outstanding, Dr Vere.

He postulated the three objects of desire for every organism -

-hunger, security...

-And lust!

-Lust!

Well, on that note,

I am going back to start work.

Hang on.

I thought you were going to wave me off.

It is far too early in the morning

to start talking about lust,

thank you very much.

So you're actually going to walk all the way to Lichfield?

What on earth for?

I don't know.

A pilgrimage apparently,

and some kind of adventure.

So go to Rome!

Show a little imagination.

I mean, Lichfield of all places!

Maybe he'll lose some weight.

Maybe he'll take a taxi and stay in a five-star hotel.

And come back a bit heavier than when he left.

Oh!

You OK?

I think that bun was stale.

Oi!

Oh, great. Old Nic!

Don't give her any aggro.

Good morning, scutters!

Back in the gutter, are we?

Yeah. You all right, Nic?

Where are you off to?

Hey, mate, I'll tell you where I'm off to.

I'm going to go down the council and I am going to give them a piece -

cos they think they can shut the only flophouse in town.

They're going to close it down

cos they think we don't matter and we don't care.

Yeah, good luck with that one!

Or what you going to do?

What you going to do?

Are you just going to crawl into some hole in the ground, are you,

and hope nobody notices? Well, good luck with that, darling.

I'll tell you, by the end of the week,

you'll be raped, battered and off your trolley.

That's enough!

What about you, matey?

Have you got a little party going on in your head, in there, have you?

That'll take your mind off the streets, won't it?

-I've got to go now, I've got to go.

-Hey, hang on. What's that?

What have you got in there?

Oh!

Is this the suit that Marlene gave you?

You've got a job interview, haven't you?

Haven't you?

You think they're going to give a poxy job to a nutter like you?

-Please!

-That's enough.

SHE CACKLES

Are the bedbugs bothering you?

I tell you what,

they're bothering me an' all.

It's them poxy mattresses in that place, I tell you.

You're going to be itching and scratching

all the way through that interview, aren't you?

I got a rash! Shaz, I got a rash!

It's OK, we all have.

Infested, they were!

Disgusting!

Need to sort this out.

Needing to get medicine or something.

Yeah, do you know what, mate?

You want to go and see your private physician down Harley Street!

Of course! I'll go see him. Thanks, Nic.

I've got time yet if I can quickly get some medicine, clean me up.

Good thinking, that.

You poor sod!

Laters, lovers!

You going down the Arches?

I'll see you then, no doubt.

SHE ROARS

Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, very funny.

Well done, Jimbo.

It's Dick Whittington!

Nothing gets past you, does it?

Now, I have a large rucksack with everything I need.

Got a proper map?

What is a smartphone for?

Emergencies only - that's what you said.

You'll run the battery out by lunchtime.

That's a good point.

Paper map accepted.

What else have we got in here?

-Compass.

-And some heartburn pills,

and some doggy poo-bags.

You know, just in case you get caught short.

I will not be using those!

I'm not a savage.

PHONE RINGS

Mill Health Centre.

HE LAUGHS

KNOCK ON WINDOW

Cam!

Go through, go through.

Right, keep up your Erasmus homework, my young padawans!

There will be a test upon my return.

Great(!)

Right, the time has come for the great adventure to begin.

To Lichfield!

Remember, you can only spend ten quid a day!

And don't forget to post your videos so we know you're OK!

Do you think he'll be OK?

It's Al. He was never OK.

Marlene got it me off the charity. Not bad, eh?

That'll show 'em that I mean business and that.

That's great, Cam. I'm really pleased for you.

Where've you been? I've not seen you for, what, like, three years?

Well, we went North, didn't we? Me and JoJo.

Little flat in Goole, to be near the prison.

And I looked after the baby sometimes and we went for walks,

then he got out last month - didn't want me around no more.

So, I came back here, didn't I? I've got mates round here.

So, where are you living?

Burr House, but they closed it this morning.

Nic's mad about it. Shouting the odds, she was.

You should've heard her - but it's cutbacks or something.

Anyways, I need you to look at my arms and my neck.

So, you've got nowhere to go?

Oh, don't worry, I'll get sorted -

especially if I get this job.

Easy, it is -

be nice to customers and collect the trollies.

Even someone like me can do it.

How are the demons, Cam?

Oh, I don't worry about them no more.

That's good then.

I've got my own in here.

Them out there don't get a look in.

What do you mean?

Doc, I ain't got much time here, so can you look at this?

Bitten to pieces, I am.

Filthy mattresses in that place, I'm well rid,

but I can't be twitching and scratching

through the interview, can I?

OK, well, I'm sure we've got some cream or something for that.

The job means a bedsit maybe.

I seen some near Marchdale Woods,

right next to them.

That'd be grand!

HE GROANS

All right, then, James.

Let's see what we've got here.

One map...

Yeah, very good.

Antacids...

..50 doggy poo bags.

No thank you!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Karen Hollins, you star!

Oh, that's pure sugar!

Mmm.

PHONE RINGS

Karen, it's barely been an hour.

-I'm still in Letherbridge.

-Yeah, but you're all right?

Of course I'm all right!

Look, can you please stop bothering me?

Remember the rules!

This is for emergencies only.

-All right, mardy-pants!

-OK.

The Kendal Mint Cake is genius, by the way.

OK, Ciao!

Mmm!

SHE SIGHS

Help for the homeless?

Hiya.

All right?

Yeah.

It's kind of cold today, eh?

Yeah.

So, how much you got so far?

What's it to you?

Sorry, I didn't mean anything.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Is he hassling you?

No, really! Look, I didn't mean anything.

I was just making conversation.

I'm Tommy, by the way.

You were down the hostel last night, weren't you?

Yeah, one night and it closes its doors.

-What's that about?

-It's about "No-one gives a flying pig."

Too right.

Too right!

I mean, it's crap, isn't it?

I never thought my life would end up like this.

But, you know, lost my job,

girlfriend kicked me out, and then...

Just nowhere to go.

And then, as for family...

not really got any to speak of.

So, here I am.

How about you?

Ex-prisoner, mate.

Army before that, got in a few tangles.

Yeah, how?

You ask a lot of questions, don't you?

Sorry, just curious.

Go and be "curious" somewhere else.

-Shaz!

-It's OK, mate.

Look, I'll just get off, yeah?

Listen, mate, there's a soup kitchen on down the Arches tonight.

-It's not bad.

-Cheers.

I might see you there.

He's just a kid.

He's a liar, that's what he is.

Sit down.

Oh, there we go.

Afternoon, love.

Afternoon, dear lady.

I understand you serve that rarity of beers, Piltdown Porter.

That's right, love.

-We've got it on draught.

-Oh, right. Have you not got any bottles?

-No, people seem to prefer it.

-Oh.

People are odd.

Pint, is it?

Yeah, just a sec.

You know what? I better make it half.

Coming up.

All right, mate?

What you got there?

I haven't got anything, mate.

I've just got some biscuits and stuff like that.

I'm going to get some ciggies now!

Oh. Hey-hey!

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Here we are.

That's all good.

All good.

'Let's just go.

'No, don't be a coward.'

Be quiet, will you?

'Waste of time.'

Quiet, I said!

Bit quiet today?

It is.

Noticed you've got a quiz on.

That's right.

What's the first prize?

20 quid.

Really?

-£2.40, please.

-There you go.

It's for the locals.

Pensioners' Monday club.

What's the entry fee?

-A pound.

-Right, sign me up.

I don't think it's your kind of thing, love.

I just do it for the old folks.

Yeah, but this is a public bar, though, isn't it?

-Yes.

-And you're openly advertising it.

-Yes.

-Well, surely I have every right to participate then.

Go on,

I may even liven this old place up a bit.

If you want.

We've got a right one here, Charlie.

Oh, that's good.

Cheers.

Well, first of all, thank you for coming in today.

How was your journey?

-A lot of walking.

-Oh?

Good, keeps you fit.

Yeah.

So, Mr Lewis, can you tell me what kind of experience you have?

'Da used to hit you.

-'Is that what he means?

-'Get on with it!'

I mean work-wise.

What jobs have you had before this?

Um...

Worked on a site for a while, carrying bricks and that...

'Fired from that one.'

..and then did some clearing down in the woods, by Riverside Park.

That was my favourite - outside, you know?

'Demons got us there.'

So, you're used to working outside?

Yeah. Prefer it, me.

That's good.

So, what do you think you can bring to the role of

facilities assistant at Bettasave?

-What?

-'Stupid.'

I mean, you understand what the job is, don't you?

-Course!

-'Pushing round trollies?

'In the cold.

'And it never ends. Always more to find, more to stack...'

Shush!

Sorry?

BUZZER

Helsinki!

Correct.

What puzzle was invented in 1974

by a Hungarian professor...?

BUZZER

The Rubik's cube!

Correct.

Who hosted This Is Your Life

after Eamonn Andrews?

Come on!

Anyone?

Giving you a chance.

And... BUZZER

..too late!

Mr Michael Aspel.

-'Let's just go.

-Look at the little git. Just thump him one!

'Can't remember the question now, can you? Waste of time, this was.

'Why you even bothering?'

Sorry, mate. What was the question?

-'Idiot.'

-Shut up!

Oh, not you, mate.

OK, maybe we should move onto the next question.

How warm is normal body temperature?

BUZZER

Barney! At long last, love!

-What have you got?

-36 degrees.

BUZZER

Wrong, Barney. That's incorrect!

It's 37 degrees Celsius,

which is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheight.

Sorry, love...

he's got it right.

-Boo!

-Boo! Get off.

OK, OK, let's take a break.

Charlie will come round and get your drinks orders

and, don't forget, it's half price on baked potato with chilli today.

-Wahey!

-BUZZER

What do you think you're playing at?

This is supposed to be a bit of fun and you're spoiling it for everyone.

What? I'm playing to win. What's wrong with that?

But every question?!

I can't help it if I know it all.

I'll tell you what, I'll go for a pint of Porter, if I may,

and I'd also like to partake of your jacket potato and chilli.

That'll be £9.49

Could I start a tab?

No, you can't.

I'm reliable.

-I'm a reliable bloke.

-'Yeah, right!'

You can tell me a time, and I'll be there, you can bet on it.

And I can be nice to people and tell 'em what to do and that.

I'm not racist or rude or nothing, like some people.

'Racist? Why did you say that?

'Now he'll think you are racist!'

Good.

We have a strict policy on workplace behaviour.

'Little scrote! Thump him!

'You're not getting this, just babbling on.

'He thinks you're an idiot.'

'You are an idiot! Why are you even bothering?'

Oh. I'm sorry, I'm just...

'Give it up! You're a useless waste of space. You don't stand a chance.

'Look at his face!'

Workplace behaviour...

'Look at his face! Look at his face!'

SHUT UP!

Just shut up!

I can't hear myself think! It's all right, mate.

I just need to get this sorted cos they won't shut up sometimes.

Listen, you have got to be quiet cos I can get this job,

I know I can get this job,

and then we can get that little flat by the woods

and then won't have to sleep rough and isn't that what we want?

-Mr Lewis!

-So, please, please, I beg you, just for now,

just while I'm with this bloke and in my interview -

will you please give it a rest?

-'You don't get it, do you?

-'We're trying to protect you.

-'He's not taking you seriously, he's mocking you.

-You need to get out.

-'You're a despicable waste of space.'

-I'm not!

-'No-one's going to give you a job.'

-Shut up! Shut up!

Just shut up! Shut up!

Security?

Final question.

Who introduced tobacco

from America to Europe?

BUZZER

Ramon Pane.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, he's finally got one wrong!

APPLAUSE

Sorry, love, it was Sir Walter Raleigh.

BUZZER

Sorry. No, it wasn't.

Sir Walter is a popular misconception.

Smoking was recorded

before Sir Walter was even born.

He never even went to America.

It is now generally accepted amongst people who know such things,

that it was, in fact, Father Ramon Pane.

He went with Columbus, although there is a school of thought

that attributes it to Rodrigo Jerez.

He was also an explorer.

Right, that's it.

I've had enough of you.

-Out!

-You what?

You're barred.

Fine, you can bar me but give me my winnings first, please.

You've just been disqualified.

-You can't do that!

-Big Charlie!

Whoa.

Big Charlie, come on.

Hey, hey. That's not fair.

It's all gone wrong.

It's all gone wrong.

'Always goes wrong.

'Why are you such an idiot?!'

He needs to leave.

'Told you! Told you! Told you!'

Leave me alone!

Leave me alone!

APPLAUSE This is an outrage.

Not interested!

You owe me £20!

-You didn't win!

-What? I answered every question!

I disqualified you before the quiz ended.

Come on, Charlie.

Right, I am reporting you to the local council,

to the licensed victuallers association and to Camra!

Yeah. How about that? How would you like that?

I'm going to get Camra involved.

Places like you,

you shouldn't be allowed to sell fine ales!

That's what I think of this place.

This is exactly what happened to Erasmus.

He was penalised for his brilliance

by idiotic, reactionary peasants.

'Here you are again, with all the rubbish, all the wasters.

-'Why are you always an idiot?'

-VOICES OVERLAP

'This is where you belong, where you've always belonged.

'He was just a kid and you let him get the better of you.'

VOICES OVERLAP

'Just go, just run, just hide.

'He's probably phoning the coppers, or the looney bin.'

VOICES OVERLAP

'You're so useless, you might as well end it now.'

'I can't take any more of this, Jean.'

This place is losing money like a sieve

and that creep from the brewery - he's still sniffing round.

Maybe I should just sell up and be done with the whole rotten business.

Oh, I'm still getting these headaches,

but I didn't have breakfast this morning, so that's my own fault.

Yeah, I will.

-Oh!

-You owe me 20 quid!

20 quid!

SHE GASPS

Are you OK?

Yep. OK.

Yeah, we'll see you in court.

OK, thank you.

Yeah, see you Thursday. See you Thursday.

Go round.

Is this locked?

HE BANGS ON DOOR

Don't panic, I'm coming!

OK, OK, OK. Heimlich!

Come on.

SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

There we go.

Deep breaths.

SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Deep breaths and we'll be fine.

That's it, deep breaths.

I'm sorry about the quiz earlier.

I really had to win.

It's a long story.

I would've died.

Well, possibly.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

SHE COUGHS

I'm Al, by the way.

Doctor Al, I'm a GP.

Betty.

Nice to meet you, Betty.

SHE SOBS

Hey, it's OK. It's OK, Betty.

You had a shock, didn't you?

Stupid peanuts.

Aww.

Poor lad's just sitting there staring at me.

Don't blame him, I was being a right loon.

-He called security and they chucked me out.

-Sorry, Cam.

My own fault - or their fault, really.

Going on and on at me.

I just couldn't think straight, everything got messed up.

There you go.

Does...?

Does cutting yourself make the voices go away?

A bit.

Help me feel better anyways.

You mentioned voices this morning.

Westfall said I should try and understand 'em, use 'em.

-Some people do. I didn't quite get that bit.

-Westfall?

The shrink. He helped get this job interview, much use that was.

Demons are in my head now, see, not like before, not out there. In here.

-Are you still taking your medication?

-Nah, jacked all that in.

Don't need it, made me muggy. Can't think straight.

How am I supposed to get work if I can't think straight?

But we spent months getting the medication right,

do you remember that? I mean, you felt better on it.

I need a clear head.

I can hear them, but not all the time.

And sometimes, they make me feel less lonely -

and, a lot of the time, I can get 'em to shut up.

Not today, though. They ruined it today.

Yeah, but, Cam, it's just dangerous to just stop taking medication.

-Let me phone the mental health team.

-No! I just told you!

You're not listening!

Why does nobody ever listen?

I spend all day listening to other people, and nobody ever hears me!

-Cam...

-No! Look, thanks for the bandage and that,

-but I didn't come for no lecture.

-Come on, don't do this.

Do what? Live on the streets?

Well, that's all I've got now.

That and the party in my head. So, I'll be off, Dr Jimmi.

Look, let me make some calls. I can find you somewhere to stay.

-Don't want it. Don't need it. Going now.

-Cam!

Good evening, peasants.

You join me in Betty's best bed...

and Betty isn't here, it's just me!

So, first day on the road

and what a day I have had.

I have spent a grand total

of three English pounds and 40 English pence.

I have had a slap-up dinner,

and I saved a life -

which is a story all in itself!

# Mama always said I'll find my way back

# Back home. #

'First night, and I'm in five-star luxury accommodation,

'all thanks to one very grateful landlady -

'who, incidentally makes one of the Midlands' best chillies.

# God knows I'm trying

# I'm fighting to get out of here

# Oh, but sometimes it's hard not to give into fear

# I build myself up cos I want it so much

# I need to break for real... #

Get out, scutters!

Don't argue with me, big man!

# Courage to carry on. #

SHAZ GROANS

What did I do?

Nothing.

It's this bewakoof bachcha.

Kicking?

Too right it is.

I thought we decided "it" was a "she?"

No, you did.

THEY LAUGH

Thank you.

You OK?

Yeah, I'm still with them.

No, not yet...

but I'll get them tomorrow.

OK.

And to think there are some of you that thought I wouldn't last!

HE TUTS

Goodnight, suckers!

Stupid questions.

No dancing,

no delicious desi cuisine.

A lunch time surgery is the best way of keeping them separate.

What? I'm just being honest.

It's the smell.

I am looking out for you.

Tommy, she is taking you for a ride.