Lady De Vere's Desire Doctors

-Good morning.

-Is it?

Is everything all right?

Just getting ready for another day of being ignored,

while Vlad does all the work.

-Vlad?

-Yeah, Vlad.

The check-in machine.

-Vlad, it's a Czech name. I looked it up.

-Oh.

I see.

Well, if you are saying you need more things to occupy your time...

No, no! I...

I've got plenty to do.

Good.

I am glad to hear it.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

What's that? A reminder?

What?

Oh... Nothing.

What's it a reminder for?

I said, nothing.

-Well, it must be something.

-CAR CENTRAL LOCKING BLEEPS

You remembered.

What?

Wow.

Do you know what?

That's so sweet, I wouldn't have given that a second thought.

But you remembered. That's...

lovely.

-Morning.

-Morning.

After you.

Don't really understand...

Morning, morning.

-Morning.

-PHONE RINGS

Good morning, Mill Health Centre.

'Hello, it's me.'

Oh, thank goodness. Somebody to talk to at last.

Ah, the machine?

Yeah, flipping Vlad!

-'Who?'

-Vlad.

The, you know, it's the check-in machine, so we need a Czech name.

Oh...

No, don't you think Pavel has more of a romantic ring to it?

No. Vlad, the destroyer of human relationships.

I think you'll find he was more an impaler.

Whatever, he's pretty antisocial.

'You sound grumpy.'

Did that social worker give you a hard time yesterday?

-No.

-I mean, they come on with their softly modulating voices

and sympathetic nods,

and all the time they're burrowing into your very soul.

'Still, I expect it's worth it if you really do want

'to have children rampaging through your home.'

-LINE GOES DEAD

-Huh...

Definitely grumpy.

It was my normal seminar on Moby Dick...

They said they found it, "so evocative they could smell the sea."

I said, "Are you sure it isn't Professor Wilson just walking past?"

Oh, talk of the devil! Professor Wilson.

I was just singing your praises.

Professor, the article and review you ordered

has just come into the library.

Ah, Ms Arbuthnott, just the person.

Ah, that's a better aroma, the scent of a woman!

Now, are you coming to the Vice Chancellor's sherry evening with me?

All right! What?

Pardon?

What?

Well, I hesitate to say pardon again, otherwise we'll just...

Can I help you?

What have I forgotten?

I don't know, what have you forgotten?

When I got out of the car this morning, I had a reminder

on my phone, and you thought that it was for something significant.

And it wasn't?

Well, that hurts.

Oh, for goodness' sake, I can't be bothered!

Fine, so...

May 19th, 2013 means nothing to you?

No!

Ow.

That was the first morning I brought you breakfast in bed.

For goodness' sake.

When are you ever going to reach the age of maturity?

So, come on, what was it for?

If you must know, it was a reminder, to remind me

that today is the day that Letherbridge Life comes out.

You said you weren't interested.

Yes, all right! But you were the one who let them into our home

-to do a photographic feature. What say did I have?

-Not a lot.

I think I have a right to see that our home is displayed properly.

I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.

I had better be.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Professor?

Come in.

You left before I could give you this.

Oh, yes...

Thank you.

Are you all right?

You looked flushed.

Bit of a headache.

Could be migraines, I don't know.

You should get it checked out.

I've got some paracetamol if you want.

You should take your jacket off as well, it's quite stuffy in here.

No!

No, wait...

I just wondered if you'd...

..seen my...phone?

I've misplaced it.

I haven't, I'm afraid.

DOOR CLOSES

Professor?

I'm asking you to behave like an adult instead of an...

-immature undergraduate.

-Oh, dear.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

-Afraid I don't know what you mean, old mate.

-Of course you do.

This sniping and undermining,

this constant reference to my...body odour.

I know it's you who's been putting soap and talc in my pigeon hole.

Together with nasty notes - hints on BO.

Not me.

Don't lie.

Just doing you a favour, old son.

You smell. You need to sort out your personal hygiene.

Why are you doing this?

Keep your eyes off Ms Arbuthnott.

I don't know what she sees in you, but apparently there's something.

Don't get your hopes up -

she's probably like that with all the hopeless cases.

Go away!

Aw, he looks like a real life internet spod, doesn't he?

I guess, if that's what they're supposed to look like.

Oh, yeah, it's all scruffy jeans and T-shirts these days.

He's in his Sunday best,

like Mummy's dressed him up for the occasion.

And you look ridiculously pleased with yourself.

No change there, then.

-Al, is that a cravat?

-Perhaps.

Daniel, what are the chances that Zara's going to get

the golf clubs out again?

Well, I know that she's looking forward to seeing them.

Well, that's a good sign, then, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Is it?

Shouldn't be too much longer now.

DOOR OPENS

Hi... Would you like to come on in?

Dr Vere, could I have a quick word?

Yeah. Just go on in.

That's Professor Wilson. He's complaining of headaches

but I think he's also suffering from Trimethylaminuria.

What?

I've never heard of it.

-Anyway, how would you know?

-Oh, my uncle had it.

It's a chemical deficiency. It makes you smell,

also known as Fish Odour Syndrome.

Yeah, he's dead now, poor soul.

He went deaf and then he died.

Deafness isn't fatal.

It is if you don't hear the lorry that knocks you over.

-Anyway, he joined a support group.

-What, for deaf people?

No, for sufferers of Trimethylaminuria. Keep up.

Anyway, I could get you the details.

Right, yeah... Thanks.

Sorry about that.

Please, take a seat.

In fact, maybe...

take your jacket off first.

Is that necessary?

Well... Headaches, was it?

It is rare, but headaches and hypertension are sometimes linked,

so I will need to take your blood pressure.

Here, let me.

It's a travesty.

They haven't even shown the room, just some picture of a slob

reclining in a leather armchair in front of a window!

They've turned this into some kind of a crummy bachelor pad.

They may have well littered the place with some of those

disgusting men's magazines!

Listen to this -

"Dr Al relaxes his giant brain in his spacious lounge.

"When he's not inventing life saving computer apps, Dr Al

"loves nothing more than chilling on his sleek leather recliner."

"But does he need a bit of feminine input into this, clearly,

"bachelor lifestyle environment?

"What do you think, ladies? Any suggestions?"

So, you've...you've seen it.

You do need to tone down on the washing and the scrubbing,

you're going too hard on your skin and it's not good.

But I need to deal with the smell!

I know, but...

you're overdoing it.

So, what are my choices?

Well, we deal with the condition.

Which is what?

Trimethylaminuria. Or, at least it would appear to be.

It's a metabolic disorder.

Normally trimethylamine, which smells,

is rendered odourless by an enzyme called FMO3.

But this doesn't happen to people with the syndrome.

The chemical still needs to escape somehow, so it does so

through other means.

Through the urine and sweat, for instance.

Unfortunately, it does have a rather unpleasant smell,

hence also being known as fish odour syndrome.

And that's what I have?

Subject to me getting the urine test results back.

And, if it is confirmed, we'll just refer you to a specialist.

But it is a medical condition?

Yeah. Absolutely.

My God!

But I've been to doctors before.

They've just told me to wash thoroughly.

Why haven't they told me about this?

Well, it is very rare. I might have said the same thing,

but fortunately our receptionist had a relative with the same condition

so she was able to give me the heads-up.

So...

what happens now?

Well, the bad news is, there is no cure.

The good news is it can be managed through just a few changes

to your diet, and, I see here,

there is also a support group you can contact.

Valerie, our receptionist, will give you the contact details.

Cancelled? Well, that's not very convenient. Why?

No, I've already said I don't want Chantale. I want Michael.

Il est tres sympathique avec ma cheval.

You don't speak French...

So, why do you call yourself Pierre?

Honestly!

Better?

I am now, thanks to you.

-Oh, go on!

-I mean it.

It's my lucky day, meeting you.

Well, in that case, could I ask you for something?

-Whatever you want.

-Look, I hope you don't mind

but I've been looking you up on the university website.

-You're famous!

-Well...

-You've written books.

-Well, four...

And they're all set in medieval times.

That's my field, yes. Medieval anthropology.

Oh, I love things set in medieval times.

Are you familiar with Lady De Vere's Desire?

-Er... No.

-Lady De Vere's Dilemma?

-The Curse of Lady de Vere?

-No.

-No?

Oh. Well, you'd love them. Real insight to those times.

When men were men, swashbuckling their way into demure ladies hearts.

Not like today, when ladies are expected to buy their own lunch.

Of course, my Lady De Vere doesn't really exist,

she's only in my romantic fiction novels.

But probably based on fact.

The De Veres were Earls of Oxford from 1141 through to 1703,

and there were several Lady De Veres.

Oh, so you know all about her?

In that case, could I have one of your books signed, maybe?

I would love to read about the real Lady De Vere.

Well, I haven't actually written on them.

I just know about them from the...

medieval world I inhabit.

Oh, that doesn't matter, I'd love to read about that world!

Of course, then.

And...

Dr Vere said you might have some information for me?

Silly me. Sorry. I haven't got around to it yet.

I've been rushed off my feet.

Surfing the net?

Yes, and...

well, other things.

Have you got a number that I could contact you on?

And I'll get you the details.

Or I could come back.

I've got a seminar now, but if I pop back later?

Perfect.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, campus surgery.

-AIR FRESHENER SPRAYS

-Valerie speaking, how can I help?

I'm probably overreacting,

-but, you know me and Rob are talking about fostering?

-Mm-hmm.

Well...

the social worker came over yesterday, and she was all very nice

but suddenly she made it sound all very real,

whereas, before...

It was just something you were considering?

And then Valerie said something this morning about social workers

being very nice on the surface,

while all the time they're burrowing into your soul

-and I think she's right.

-What do you mean?

I was just... I was blathering on, and I got all flustered,

and before I knew it I was talking about my memory problems, and...

And then I completely lost it,

and I'm just so worried that I've blown it for us.

It is about the machine.

-Is it?

-Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

You're feeling...undervalued.

You're feeling like you're losing your point of contact with people,

and so it's making you feel a bit redundant.

Which I am.

Yeah, and so that's making you feel insecure.

And you're transferring those feelings

onto the idea of the fostering.

And you really shouldn't, because the two things are,

-well, they're entirely different.

-No, but I do have memory problems.

Yeah, and you've told the social worker, so there's no worries.

Let's not forget, you've been there, you've raised kids,

you know what is what.

And dealing with difficulties...

that's one of the most important life lessons that

you can pass on to foster kids.

Thanks, Rhuma.

It's all part of the service.

No, if you're sure, I will, um...

-DOOR OPENS

-I'll see you there. Bye.

What's up?

Nothing.

You think I was Zara?

I did for a moment. Yeah.

That was the University of Letherbridge,

the computer science department.

One of the lecturers wants me

to go in and give a talk to the students about my app.

-Well, I'm not surprised.

-Aren't you?

No. I mean, it's a good example of what IT's for.

Yeah, but I'm... I'm not exactly qualified, am I?

I mean, developing an app is one thing,

but going to talk to students, you know,

a group of computer experts, that's something else.

Oh, come on. You're more an expert than they are, and you're a celebrity

now, cos of the internet. So, comes with the territory.

Here we go! Have you bought your copy yet, by the way?

No, five quid! I'll have a look online.

It's five quid. Come on, you're such a tightwad!

You can't call me a tightwad, cos I just bought you lunch,

but if you don't want it...

No, no, no, I didn't say that! What is my lunch?

-What have you...

-DOOR CLOSES

Egg and cress! That's the cheapest, nastiest sandwich you can get.

I'm so sorry. Got held up.

Oh, don't worry, Professor, it's not a problem.

And, please, stop calling me professor.

My name's Phil.

And my name is Valerie,

proud passer of six O levels, one of which was an A grade.

-Oh, yes, which one?

-History.

I'm impressed...

I can't begin to tell you how much you've done for me today.

Whoa, don't know where that came from.

I do.

I'm a cancer survivor.

I know exactly what it's like to face a future that looks hopeless,

but then to feel like you've been given a new lease of life.

Really?

I'm sorry to...

hear about the cancer but I can't tell you how wonderful it is to talk

to someone who understands.

I need to repay you...

..apart from with my book, which I've forgotten, I'm afraid.

I normally take sandwiches and go and sit on the bench in the park,

so I don't offend anyone with my... aroma.

So, not very exciting, otherwise we could do lunch?

Now, you really need to read up on my Lady De Vere.

She would insist on a proper lunch,

and blow what anybody else thinks.

Actually, I know just the place, if you really do want to repay me.

With me, Professor?

HE KNOCKS

I've got a...peace offering.

What is it?

Open it.

I think Al's a little worried about how you'll react.

So he should be.

Where did you get these?

Uh, well, you see...

I asked the photographer to take a few shots while he was there.

Shows the house in a much better light, don't you think?

So, peace?

Don't bank on it.

OK...

Hazard of the condition, I'm afraid.

I'm always seated as far away from others as possible.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I am just happy that we get to delve into the world of Lady De Vere.

You tell me about your Lady De Vere, first.

Strange, isn't it?

She's my role model in my romantic fiction,

whilst also being part of your world...

Oh, and I've just realised, you're being treated by Dr Vere!

Ha, gosh!

So, is your wife an academic?

I'm not married.

Work, plus my condition, makes relationships...

a bit of a challenge.

Now, that's where she can teach us something.

If Lady De Vere falls for the stable boy, she gets the stable boy.

She has no problem with love across the divide.

It's a bit like us - you're a professor and I am just

a humble possessor of six O levels, albeit one at A Grade.

She wouldn't let a little thing like a medical condition

get in the way of her pursuit of love and happiness.

You're saying if there was someone, I should ignore the trymeth...

..whatever it's called, and just go for it?

Why not?

You know,

of all the women I've known,

you've done more for me in one day than the rest put together.

So, are you saying there might be someone?

I didn't think so...

-until something happened today.

-What was that?

I thought I picked up a hint that someone might be interested in me.

Really?

Is it that obvious?

I think so, although I'm not sure.

Well, are you interested in her?

Definitely.

Well, then, what's stopping you?

-She'll probably say no.

-No, she won't.

-You don't think so?

-No.

What have you... What have you got to lose?

You're right.

So ask.

I will.

As soon as I get back to work.

Are you all right?

Yes, yes.

I'm so sorry, you didn't think...

Oh, no, no.

No. No, I just...

Excuse me, I'm just going to go to the ladies' room.

-Hiding from Zara?

-No.

Just because she came after you with a golf club

doesn't mean she's into you.

Not Zara?

No, I just came in for a chat.

You're not chatting.

What are you working on?

-Patient notes.

-Oh...

You don't have to worry, you know.

Worry about what?

Oh, come on! The lecture.

That's easy for you to say, isn't it, Jimmi?

You're not going to be the one standing up there,

in front of a group of cocky computer whizz kids.

And why do you think they're there?

To mock and judge me until their throats are sore?

You, my friend, have managed somehow - I don't know how -

to invent something which is going to be beneficial to mankind.

They're there to learn from you.

So, you get to stand up, you get to show off, and then

you get to be praised for it.

What's your problem?

Good chat.

Close my door.

-Good chat.

-Thank you.

I'm so sorry...

I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea.

Oh, no... No, no.

No, no...

I just didn't realise how hot it was in here.

So, what were we talking about?

Oh, yes, the girl of your dreams.

So who is she?

She's our senior librarian.

Brainy, then. Not like me.

But she is attractive, just like you.

Plus, you had the brains to diagnose something that doctors haven't.

Oh, well. You know. You pick things up.

Thank goodness you did. You have literally transformed my life.

But I'm still not sure if I've got the guts to ask someone out.

-Of course you have.

-You think?

Look, you know what your diagnosis is now and you know how to treat it.

So now what should be coming out of your pores is not sweat,

but pure confidence.

Do you know, when I've got a problem, I always think,

"What would Lady De Vere do?"

Trust me, when it comes to love, she is never wrong.

So this would be her advice...

Just the man!

-Oh, Professor.

-What!

-Oi, what are you doing?

-Taking you for a little chat.

That's right, get a good sniff

because you're going to be smelling an awful lot more of it.

-What are you doing? Are you mad?

-No, empowered.

I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago,

but I didn't have the confidence.

Now I have, because I've just been diagnosed as having a medical

condition which explains my smell and will soon be under control.

And something Ms Arbuthnott just said has suddenly clicked.

What?

"Professor."

One new professorship available - two of us went for it and I got it!

Well, those days are over.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business with Ms Arbuthnott.

I'm sorry, I could see you were uncomfortable.

Don't apologise. I'm grateful.

I need to explain.

About earlier, in my room.

I'm sorry, I don't have time just now.

I have a meeting.

Then perhaps you could make time for a drink later?

OK.

I finish at four.

Four it is.

I've got a proposal, for the Trust...

Oh, you've seen that?

You are very lucky to live in such a...a grand home.

Yes, well,

when it isn't being made a laughing stock of.

Well, no, I do not feel it has been given

the prominence that it deserves.

You know, I am surprised that the photographer didn't take advantage

of his setting, the decor, and, of course, your beautiful kitchen.

Yes...

Well, thank you.

You know, when I was a child,

I always dreamed about living in a beautiful house.

Well, presumably you have a nice house now?

No?

Valerie, may I present Ms Arbuthnott?

-Marjorie.

-Delighted.

"To my own Lady De Vere, with heartfelt thanks."

Lady De Vere? The mistress of the robes?

No, this is our Lady De Vere, the one who moves in mysterious ways.

Oh, thank you.

Lovely...

lovely smell.

Oh, are you allergic?

No sense of smell,

never have had.

Really? No sense of smell?

You see, what did I tell you?

You can always trust Lady De Vere to bring the right people together.

-LADY SOBBING

-It's all right...

So, what was it you were saying about your house?

I...

I'm not aware that I said anything?

Exactly.

It was what you didn't say.

You're clearly not happy with it, are you?

So, if you're not happy, the solution's simple.

Move.

Oh, look, look. Two ticks.

It's the machine.

Poor Mrs Dibden got into a right state about it,

so I'm doing something that no machine can do, just yet.

And that's make an upset patient a nice cup of tea.

I want you stood outside this room. No-one gets in.

-Do you understand me?

-Yes, sir. Who is it?

Daisy Murray.

That is not a very friendly face, now, is it?

You need more sleep.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't go in there.

Were you just going to let him walk in there?

It really should not be making this noise.

Who are you?

I'm the cleaner.

Better get back before it exterminates all the patients!