Hand Me Downs Doctors

Er...Valentine's was three months ago.

This isn't even half of it. You should see out back.

It's...It's my mistake.

-SHE SIGHS

-How did you...?

Apparently, we're not the only ones.

It's this new online ordering system.

I'm sorry.

-So, instead of 50 roses, we have...?

-500.

I must have typed it with my gloves on.

500 roses?!

Well, unless you know a rich bloke who's in trouble with his wife,

we might have a job getting rid of these.

Yeah, I know. I should've double-checked.

I could...I could skip the appointment,

stay here and try and sell these.

Maybe try and shift them by the roadside.

Well, do you want to?

'Course not.

You know how much this means to me.

But it's your name above the door. What's best for you?

Maybe it's a...a good omen.

Yeah. That'll work for me.

SHE SIGHS

What's that?

It is the stall list for the summer fete. Now, if you...

No, no, I mean, what's THAT?!

-That is a butterfly.

-Really? I thought it was a bra.

I thought you were doing that summer-of-love thing, you know, the '60s.

-No, it is not a bra.

-Are you sure? Because those bits...

It is most definitely not a bra!

Now, as I was saying, it is the stall list for the summer fete.

Now, if you'd be so kind

as to put your name against the task you think you can commit to.

Do you know what? Er...I think

I'm going to have to clear out behind the counter

-before the builders come.

-Ah.

-Builders?

Yeah. They're knocking down the wall at the weekend. Keep up!

-You want a tea?

-Yes. Yes, thank you.

-Sleep any better?

-Yes, I did.

The earplugs were most effective.

So there are a lot of people who say that cosmetic surgery is haram

and there are others making a strong case for it,

at least for reconstructive surgery.

But there was an awful lot of arguing, too.

-Yeah, that sounds about right.

-Yeah.

So...so with a nod to being culturally sensitive and...

Ker-ching! Ker-ching!

Yeah, of course, making money, um...

-I wondered if I might pick your brains. Properly, over lunch?

-No.

OK. Thank you for your honesty, I think.

Hold on, silly. I can't do lunch. Not today. I've got plans.

OK. Well, then, another time?

Actually, this might be quite good for you.

-Would you say you've got a sharp sense of business?

-Yeah.

-And you know a good thing when you see it?

-Yes.

-OK. And you don't back down without a fight?

-Never.

Right.

Here you go.

I'll see you later.

-OK.

-OK.

I've got this little e-mail group of me and some other doctors.

Just to keep ourselves in the loop, that sort of thing.

We also send a clip of funny animals for Funny Friday, when it is a Friday, of course,

because we also do Wacky Wednesday...

-Er...Dr Vere, what has this got to do with me?

-Oh, yeah.

So me and a friend, we were having, well, not really a row as such, but we were...

Yeah. Um...it's about our CCG guidance for IVF treatments.

I've got a couple coming in this afternoon and I wanted to make sure I'm bang up-to-date.

I wondered whether you have a copy, because I can't seem to find mine.

Dr Vere!

Right, I will...I will forward you a copy today.

Brill! Thank you.

Ooo! As it's Funny Friday, I'll copy you in on today's video.

It's this dog wearing a stethoscope and it sounds like he's talking because he's going,

"Arrooowww," like he's saying, "Hello!"

No. Please, DO NOT forward that to me.

(OK.)

-A garage sale?!

-Mm-hm. Ruhma's taking me.

Ruhma?! Why on earth are you two doing anything together?

It's her idea of a business masterclass for me.

Scavenging through the detritus of some dead old dear?

Why don't you come along? You might find something for Joe.

Fleas?!

Fine! Suit yourself!

Just be sure to wash your hands thoroughly when you're done.

-So, have you got any friends who've had cosmetic...?

-Shh!

Not now. We're late and we need a plan.

Right, I recommend that you split your money.

Set aside a small amount for impulse buys,

the rest of it for proper, targeted purchases. OK?

-OK.

-You could get in a bidding war with some of these people.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Now, trust your instincts. There's no going back.

-You hesitate, you miss out.

-Understood.

And I can't hold your hand through this.

-It could get bloody.

-OK.

-So, are you ready?

-Um...well...

Come on! Are you more than just a pretty face or what, Daniel?

Whoa! OK, um...I'm ready.

Yeah! That's what I like to hear.

So now it's time to prove yourself, big boy.

Well, hello, Mr and Mrs Spring!

Mrs T, hello!

Oh! What lovely flowers.

I, er...overstocked, so you'll probably be seeing a fair few roses

when I do the flowers on Sunday.

Well, I look forward to it.

Mr and Mrs Spring do the most beautiful displays for church.

Award-winning.

Well, the archbishop gave us a badge and a picnic hamper.

Oh! Well done, anyway.

Unfortunately, due to health and safety,

we are not allowed to put them in reception.

-I'll put them in the staffroom for now.

-Thank you.

Will, um...Dr Vere be much longer?

Oh, no, I...

Mr and Mrs Spring. How are you?

Would you like to come on through?

I look forward to seeing you at church.

-So, Al finally fixed that thing.

-Oh! Good.

And we're all clear back here for the renovations.

Mm. Well, everything really is coming up roses.

So, um...I've spent the morning

reading over the new IVF guidelines for you both and...

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but

you've had all the treatment cycles that you're entitled to.

Now, that's not to say you don't have other options, of course.

You could always go private, that's still another avenue for...

Just back up a bit.

"Entitled to." What are you saying there exactly?

Well, the national and locally-implemented guidance...

Don't just parrot the rules at us, talk sense.

The reality is, you've hit your limit.

There's only so many rounds of treatment they'll offer.

No. We were told we were entitled to one more.

I'm afraid the ruling changed since your last cycle.

You just moved the goalposts on us like that?

No-one called, no-one said anything.

-I'm sorry.

-So, you just stop helping?

Well, you can always try the HFEA.

-They can help you find private fertility treatments.

-Private?

-Yes.

-What sort of money are we talking about?

It's thousands and thousands of pounds, Luke.

It's money we don't have.

Look, I'm really sorry.

So you should be!

So, is that it?! Is that all you've got to say for yourself, is it?!

Look, I wish there was something else that I could do...

I want to speak to whoever's in charge.

Well, it's just these rules are pretty fixed...

Did you hear what he said?! We want to speak to the manager!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

-I tried to explain...

-Anything you have to say, you say in front of us.

-No, er...just... I mean...

-It is fine, Dr Vere.

Why don't you both come in? Please, take a seat.

Mrs Tembe, I'm sorry about this,

but there's been some sort of a mistake.

Now, we were told we still had one more round...

And now this jobsworth's telling us we're all out of goes!

That can't be right. You can't just get shafted like that.

No. Of course not.

Can I look that over, please? Thank you.

No-one said anything had changed. No-one called us.

I mean, surely this is for people that have just started,

-not anyone already in treatment.

-Yeah.

And on one of the rounds, there were no viable embryos.

That can't count.

-That has to be an exception.

-Yeah.

Please, could you just call up, double-check?

Yes. Yes, of course. Just to make sure.

Hello. Yes, this is Mrs Tembe from the Mill Health Centre.

I just want to clarify some things from...

Right. Yes, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I thought we were also here to discuss business?

Are you always in such a hurry?

No wonder Zara's so sour-faced. So, what do you think?

I don't think it's really you.

Really? I've been told I look good in leather.

Maybe it's too racy for you.

So, do you see anything you'd like to buy?

-Er...well, there's the Spitfire there.

-Oh.

That's pretty cool. I had one as a kid.

-How much for the plane?

-It's a fiver.

Whoa-whoa-whoa! Sorry, I-I was just about to buy that.

Well, you still can. £10.

-I beg your pardon?

-For the plane.

-It was five.

-It was.

Hm!

I...

I thought you were a go-getter?

You've got to be sharper than that.

Right. Well, er...thank you for your time.

It pains me to tell you that, er...there are no loopholes.

There are no exceptions to the rule.

But it's ridiculous!

It's not the same rule two towns over.

I've got friends. They haven't just been cut off like this!

It's a local decision, I'm afraid.

Your, er...your best... Well, your only option is to go private.

You know us, Mrs Tembe.

You know we don't have that sort of money.

And even if we did, it's outrageous!

We pay our taxes, same as anybody else!

Who else do you discriminate against?

Smokers, drinkers? You treat them!

Yes, yes, we do.

People who make themselves ill.

If you'll put out to keep my life going,

why can't you help us bring one into the world?

Is that it? One phone call and you give up on us?

As Practice Manager, it is my...

Oh, you wouldn't sit behind that desk unless you believed it!

What's the reason?! I want to know!

What's your argument?! You lied to us. Why?!

There is only so much funds in the budget to...

You don't need to tell me!

Insufficient funds!

A couple of grand to have another go and...and then, what?

What do you think money's left, you know, to...to raise a child,

to keep a business going?!

-We should get back.

-This was a day off work for both of us.

That's money lost, that.

Money you just think we can pluck out of thin air?!

It is not the practice's decision.

This is... These are national guidelines

and we have no room to move.

If we could...I would...

We would.

This is wrong. Wrong!

And you know it's wrong, but you still sit there behind that desk

with your stupid policies

and feel like you're doing the right thing!

You're so ridiculously caught up in your own rules and regulations.

You can't even have flowers up in reception!

-Look, our hands are tied.

-Your hands are in your flipping pockets!

There really... There is nothing more we can do.

Well, thank you for your time.

HE SIGHS

Come on.

I-I am so, so sorry!

Thank you. That's great.

-Mm. Investment or impulse?

-Investment. For Joe.

-Oh, Ian Fleming!

-Yeah.

It's not quite From Russia With Love,

but I want to ease him in gently.

Lovely. First edition?

No. No, I want him to read it, bash it about a bit.

I don't want to be too precious.

Well done, you. I've had two impulse buys.

A tea cosy that looks like a penguin

and Bugsy Malone soundtrack. Don't even ask.

But what I really need is a tea set for Heston.

-Oh, there's one... Oh!

-You snooze, you lose.

How much is this, please? £10.

Let's take a break. Let's go and get lunch, come back with fresh eyes.

-Yeah.

-Come on.

-They off?

-Yeah, looks like it.

What happened? They were lovely when they came in. What's Mrs Tembe said to them?

I'd, um...I'd rather not talk about it.

-Last chance.

-Oh, no, thanks, again.

-I do like a bit of dirty food.

-You do, don't you?

Yeah. So, you wanted to pick my brains, consider me bribed.

OK, er...what works?

Um...right, OK, so stating the obvious,

the chip shop just now? Halal.

Takeaways that have gone halal, you know, any grocery packaging

that have got a separate halal branding, they do well. Yeah?

OK. So be absolutely clear on the kind of animal products I'm using.

Yeah, and alcohol-free perfumes, that's another one.

Oh, and don't go charging interest or anything like that.

OK. What should I avoid?

Er...I suppose anything that strays too far from our culture. Hm!

Someone once opened a Muslim pub.

Yeah. Went down like a lead balloon.

Oh, and you will definitely need a woman in the room.

I mean, that's basic. Always have a woman on hand to help.

Is that you offering?

Beyond that, my advice is,

be sensitive, try not to think in absolutes

and don't patronise. Nobody will like that.

-Of course not.

-Is any of that useful?

-Depends.

-On?

On whether I've got you fighting in my corner, or against me.

Come on, ding-ding, round two.

Let's see how badly you want it.

I feel like this is my fault.

No!

We know it's not yours.

It doesn't mean you blame yourself.

I know how much this means to you.

-To us.

-Yes.

But it's not going to happen, is it?

We don't know that.

-It still could happen for you.

-No!

I'm just this island.

This...orphan.

And maybe that's just the way it is.

But you...you've got a family. Something to pass on.

We have family.

We're the start of it.

Your foster dad is still going to get called Grandad.

This is us now.

-You're still young. You...You could...

-No!

-Please.

-I'm sorry.

-I just...

-No. Never!

And when we're old and...and you resent this and us

-for what never happened?

-I won't.

You don't know that.

Yes. I do.

I need to lie down.

Er...£6. That's my final offer. Sorry.

-OK, it's a deal.

-OK, here you go. Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Very impressive.

-Yeah.

The key is, never be aggressive. You know, just slow and steady.

You've done this before, haven't you?

Yeah. I like pre-owned stuff. It's more personality.

-There you go.

-Er...that's not my colour.

It's for Zara. It's definitely her colour.

I knew it as soon as I saw it.

-Thank you.

-Mm. Tell her it's vintage.

Now, I just need something for Heston.

Hey. I'll tell you what,

you help me with that and maybe, if you've got a Muslim customer

and you haven't strong-armed her into it and it was definitely

-something that she wanted to improve her life, then...

-Then...?

Maybe I'd consider...consider endorsing the clinic.

Deal.

-THEY CHUCKLE

-Come on.

HE WINCES

HE SIGHS

I know who'd like these.

DANIEL CHUCKLES

-Thank you!

-Oh, no! Ex...

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

If you can't stand the heat, you're in the wrong room, buddy boy.

That's hers, and I'm not your buddy boy.

Look, there's an art to bargain-hunting

and you clearly don't have it.

-Why don't you just...?

-OK, it's fine.

There you go. All's fair.

-How much is that?

-You want me fighting in your corner,

you fight in mine first.

You up for it?

Um...Mrs Tembe?

Er...Mr Spring's back.

-Would you like me to call the police?

-What?!

Of course not! No, I-I-I will talk to him.

Mr Spring, would you like to come into my office?

Here's fine. I just want to say my piece.

Sometimes I hear people say they want a baby

and I think they've missed the point.

A child is just a baby for a few years.

I don't just want a baby. It's not a whim, it's...

it's not something you do just because you feel like it.

Lilly and me, we want to bring someone into the world, and we should.

-And please, do not give up on that hope.

-We won't.

But not because of anything you've said.

I'll see you this Sunday, and many more, Mrs Tembe.

But in my eyes, what you're doing today...

..well, it isn't Christian.

It's selfish.

And I won't waste any more of our time.

You all right, Mrs Tembe?

It's a Padishah Keepsake. It could be worth thousands. Come on!

-OK.

-It's up here. There it is!

-Hi, there. How much for, er...how much for the box?

-A fiver?

I'll give you £10!

Er...15.

-20!

-25.

Your move, buddy boy(!)

WILDWEST INSTRUMENTAL

ALARM WAILS

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

-47.

-50.

-55!

-60.

70!

-I'm out.

-Ha-ha! In your face, loser!

-I tried.

-Ah, it's OK.

It was a... It was a mistake.

-Eh?

-It's a tissue box.

They're a fiver in the market.

All's fair, buddy boy(!)

-DANIEL LAUGHS

-Excuse me.

Ah, well.

Luke?

..50. Thank you.

Thank you.

-What is that?

-That's for Heston.

Yeah. He'll love that.

THEY CHUCKLE

It's a pleasure to see you work, Doctor.

-We'll have to do it again some time.

-Oh, I'm sure we will.

-This is just a warm-up.

-Oh.

SHE CHUCKLES

BELL RINGS

You had me worried!

Where were you?

Nowhere.

And all this mess! You walk out, who's running the shop?

Let's close for the day.

And all these roses?

We could take some home.

You're daft, you know that?

It's only money.

It's my name above the door.

I know. Could I have the afternoon off, please, boss?

-What for?

-Well, it's nice out.

I thought I might spend the afternoon with my wife.

We don't have to give up.

I'm sorry...about what I said before.

I mean it.

I'm not going anywhere.

Thick or thin, I'm sticking with you.

Everyone else might break their promises, but not me.

I love you...you big idiot.

I love you, too!

Oh, I understand you had a run-in with Mr Spring.

-Oh.

-I, er...

Look, just do as you wish.

SHE BREATHES HARD

KNOCK AT DOOR

So, how was your date?

Er...well, turns out that Ruhma is cunning, witty,

with flashes of a cruel intellect. I can't think who she reminds me of.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, no. Daniel, I told you!

Just open it, you drama queen.

SHE SIGHS

Oh. That is rather nice, I'll admit.

Vintage.

You don't normally have such a good eye.

-Ruhma bought it, for you.

-Really?

Mm. I think you two would really get along.

Let's have her over for supper.

Yeah, beautiful.

So, you really think that we... That Ruhma and I...?

Yeah. There's a lot more to her than meets the eye.

Which you have in common, at least.

So, what else did you get, besides enamoured with a midwife?

Er...I got a little book for Joe

and wait till you see what we got for Heston.

Pug-alacci.

-Pug-liacci.

-Pug-liacci.

-I...

-You should put it up on the wall over there.

It'll look lovely.

Anyway, I'd better go. Enjoy.

I was going to put myself down on that stall list,

but it was a very busy morning and now afternoon surgery's started, so...

Oh, it's not like Mrs T...

Mrs T would want you working, not gossiping.

-Sorry, Jimmi.

-I'll, er...give her a knock, check on her.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Um...

Come in.

Mrs Tembe, you can't keep doing this to yourself.

Oh, I am fine, Dr Clay.

It is nothing that a good night's sleep cannot fix.

You told me you'd got better sleep.

Oh, I did. Well, three hours' sleep is better than no hours' sleep.

We're all worried about you.

I had to tell a couple of friends

that we could not help them to have a child.

So a lack of sleep is the least of my worries.

Maybe you should take a break.

Look, I am fine. Excuse me, Dr Clay, I have, er...I have work to do.

-Hi.

-Hi.

I've got my eye on you.

I know what people think of me. I'm SO boring.

Living like this, pretending that there isn't a problem,

-is irresponsible.

-Irresponsible?

-Maybe if you didn't try so hard.

-Excuse me?

It comes over as a little desperate. Just a thought.