The Fiddle Doctors

MAN TUTS

HE SIGHS

Oh... Oh!

If you're going to treat this place like a hotel,

then I'll have to start charging you.

Heaven knows how I managed to sleep with all this going on.

From being dosed up with this wretched cold, one supposes.

Oh, look at you. Don't lecture me.

Oh, please.

If there's one thing I know, it's not to waste my breath there.

No. If I am to get through to you, I imagine it'll be financially.

You'll miss that pocket money, won't you?

Look, I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Aren't you the least bit ashamed of yourself?

Shouldn't you be in work?

I'm ill. What's your excuse, I wonder?

Fine. I'm off.

FOOTSTEPS TIPTOE

Busted.

I didn't wake you, did I?

You almost made it.

Just thought I should get out. Saves you any awkward questions.

Jimmi, it's fine.

No, you know, I enjoyed it...

It's fine, Jimmi.

No. I meant it was...nice.

Oh, well, that's reassuring.

To talk, to connect? It was nice as well as having...

The other kind of...? Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I'm glad we both enjoyed ourselves.

But...our secret, yeah?

Yeah, of course.

LOUD MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY

Hang on!

Listen. That'll be Sid.

He'll be in the bathroom for at least five minutes.

Give you a chance to escape.

Morning. You gonna be much longer?

What?

HE MUMBLES

KEYS JANGLE IN HIS HAND

HE UNLOCKS DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

SHE KNOCKS LOUDLY

Ah! There you are.

Yes. Hello?

May I come in?

Yeah...oh...er...

One moment, please!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Wonderful. I was worried you might be closed today. Well...we...

I'm so glad you're here.

I've left it terribly late, I know.

Oh, I do hope you can help me.

With...? Here we are.

Antique, so I'm told.

Might be worth something.

Don't suppose you're in the market, are you?

So you didn't enjoy it at all?

I was just exhausted by the end of it.

Couldn't go on as long as you.

You know what they say - "Go big, or go home."

You had a good time? Yeah. Loved it.

Took me a while to get into it. The longer you do it,

the better you get. If I had hands like yours...

Don't be hard on yourself cos when you doubled-down, I went bust...

HE COUGHS

You should see a doctor about that.

Anyway, no-one's a natural. You have to work at it.

Morning.

Morning. Sleep all right?

Yeah, I must have done. I didn't hear a thing!

Sorry?

Oh. I don't mean to gossip or anything.

I saw Jimmi on his way out this morning. Ah.

And I know it's totally none of my business and I'm just happy

everyone's enjoying themselves.

Right.

Sounded like he had a good time anyway. Tea?

Yes, please.

Not bad, eh?

Hello.

Wow, this is a really cool shop.

Thank you. I'm sorry, we're not really open.

Oh...

What are you after, dear?

I was looking for one of those fancy, writing, fountain pen things.

I think I saw some over there. Oh, OK.

Never mind what he's doing.

I'm in a bit of a rush, so if you could just...

Sorry, of course, madam.

Well, if you'd like a complete valuation,

I should really get this under a...

..a UV spectrum carbon light.

Would you mind terribly if I took the item out back?

Whatever you need to do.

It's Mr Harvey.

The Mr Harvey? Yeah.

He's a lot younger than I expected.

He's a business prodigy. Self-made.

So stylish.

So stylish...

Good body language, too. Very confident.

Very.

He's quite handsome, too.

Yes, I suppose.

I should go and say hello.

Well, um... before you do, I need you to dig out the files for

Dr Shevchuk again.

THEY CONVERSE

Fancy a coffee? Oh, if you're buying...

How are we getting on in there?

Please, madam. It's a very delicate task.

All in good time, I assure you.

Will you be much longer, do you think?

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Oh, going somewhere nice? I'm sorry?

You're travelling aren't you? Excuse me. What did you find out

about the violin? Well...

you're right, it is an antique, but, sadly, not a particularly rare one.

There is a definite market for sale,

so we'd be more than happy to take it off your hands.

This particular model... I'd say ?700.

No, no, no. It's worth a lot more than that.

You're free to seek another appraisal,

if you have the time, of course. Sorry to interrupt...

It's worth ?1,000 at least, I know that much.

Possibly. But that would be at auction and I have to cover

my own percentages and commission.

?750. This box doesn't have a price on it.

900. 750 is my best offer. Sorry.

750. 800 is my lowest. My absolute lowest.

800 it is.

How much for these comics...? OK! Yes! ?15, will ?15 do?

Say again? 1-5, 15? 1-5 pound sterling for the Omega League?

Yes, please.

800?

In cash. Please.

So, I'm due to run the men's sexual health clinic at the campus

next week, and Mrs Tembe says you ran one a few months ago.

I was wondering if you had any notes, or leaflets,

that sort of thing? Yeah. Probably. Let me have a look.

Just be prepared for time-wasters, though.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes?

There you go.

Thank you.

Catch you later, yeah? Yeah.

Hello. Hi. Are you all right? I'm fine.

Late night?

Not as young as I used to be.

I'm sure that's not a problem for some people. Hm?

Look, if you find anything, just let me know, yeah? Cheers.

Unfortunately, there's not as much petty cash as I calculated.

This always happens when my dotty father's in charge of banking.

Yes, yes, but what does that mean? I'm going to have to close up

the premises and get some funds released from my accountant.

Shouldn't be more than an hour, really.

You're joking? I'm afraid not.

On top of all the time I've wasted in here already?

I can only apologise. I appreciate your need to make a speedy sale.

One hour? I promise.

Fine. I've got some errands to run anyway.

I won't keep you waiting.

Yes, Valerie? St Phil's A

they're looking for a new recommendation.

They didn't exactly say why, but they've had Dr Shevchuk

for three days now and I don't think it's working out for them.

I can't help thinking it's a language issue.

I don't know... I couldn't find his PLAB.

I think I did mention it earlier. Perhaps I wasn't being clear...

No, I just... You just like questioning instructions?

No, no... Dr Shevchuk has passed his PLAB, he's fit for the task.

Send him again.

Stop fussing about such silly little details.

If you think his CV is lacking, then spruce it up.

It's what we all do.

Would that really be fair on anyone?

Yes. The hospital gets a doctor.

The doctor gets work. And we all get paid.

And whatever concerns you may have...

you need to address them now.

If this isn't the position for you,

then you need to be upfront about it.

There are other candidates who are eager to fill the role.

No, no. I can do it.

Good. See, I know you're a team player, Val.

I know that there's nothing to worry about.

Here's all the stuff on sexual health. Thanks.

Sure you don't want to hold on to one of these? What?

Nothing. I just thought you and me were mates, that's all.

You've lost me.

I wasn't going to say anything, but you are being really weird about it.

What? Weird about what?

I saw you leaving this morning, Jimmi. I know you stayed the night.

OK. No. I slept on the couch.

Upstairs? Come on.

Yeah, you've got the wrong end of this. And I've got to work, so...

Look, I get it. You're trying to protect my feelings.

What happened with me and her was ages ago, and, anyway,

I'm not going to get all upset just cos you and her

decide to get together... What?

But sneaking around is patronising. OK?

I'm not a child, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't treat me like one.

I thought you were off...?

I need surgical gloves, tweezers and a clean environment, stat!

Don't ask me.

Nothing surprises me about this place any more.

KNOCK ON DOOR

You OK?

Jimmi, I am magnificent. You need to see this.

This is a complete run of the Omega League.

This is the Holy Grail for the comic book collectors.

Comic books?

Yeah, never reprinted comic books.

Guess how much I just paid for this lot. Go on, guess.

15 quid. 15 British quid!

Shouldn't it be hundreds, or something?

Yeah, hundreds or thousands for a complete, mint set.

Mate, this is the most extraordinary thing you'll ever see.

For example, issue 12, Armageddon Be Thy Name.

It's like the Citizen Kane of comic books.

Issue 24.

The Android's Lament.

This will break your heart into 1,000 pieces.

And the piece de resistance...

issue 55, Herald Of The Cosmobius.

52, 53, 54, 56....

No, no, hang on. Come on. Easy.

No. There's no easy about it. Where is it? Where's 55?

Oh, come on!

Al, easy. You've got 60-odd at 15 quid. Let's take a break,

go for lunch or something. No. I want them all. No lunch.

OK, I need to secure this room. Come on, on you go,

I need to find that other one. Really?

Out! Come on!

I'm not messing about.

I was thinking of taking drama classes.

Drama classes?

Yeah! You're always on at me to have ambitions and, well,

it's something I'm good at.

Really? I'm not bad. And I'd much rather do that

than spend my time surrounded by old relics.

I should really open the shop up. No, you should rest.

Look, let me make you a tea.

I'm sorry I made such a mess of things last night.

I'm bored of that crowd now anyway.

Sounds an awful lot like you trying to talk me into another hand-out.

Well, yeah, there's enrolment fees and I should probably get

a haircut and some headshots done, but it's an investment, right?

This isn't money in my pocket, this is money in my future.

That was dreadful.

Perhaps you should take writing classes instead.

Please.

I feel good about this.

A Tale of Two Cities.

What?

Page 67.

It pays to read more than just text messages.

Thanks.

I want to see a serious improvement to your lifestyle, now.

You understand? Oh, don't worry, you will.

I've had this for a while...

All right. Start from the top. What am I meant to have done?

This is silly now. Just stop it.

You know exactly what's going on, just admit it. Admit what?

Sid, if you don't start giving me some answers,

I'm going to go home and throw Super Ted in the bin.

You wouldn't. Might rip his head off first.

This is just stupid. You know exactly what's going on.

WHAT?! That you slept with Jimmi!

Jimmi? Are you mad?

So sorry to keep you waiting.

You are cutting it very fine, young man.

Excuse me, sir! A word, if I may. Oh, for crying out loud.

We're only opening for a private sale, sir.

You'll have to come back tomorrow. It's not going to happen -

the item said that it was a complete set. I'm sorry?

It's not a complete set. There's an edition missing,

ergo, you mis-sold me the item. There's nothing I can

do about it today, I'm afraid, so please come back tomorrow.

No, that's not good enough. I'm not going to let you

swindle me like this. I'd like to speak to Stoker Sr.

He's not in. Is that his number?

Please! I really haven't got time for this. OK! Fine. Everybody in.

Everybody in, it's OK. Finally.

Valerie, isn't it? Oh! Hello!

Hello, yourself. Dylan Harvey.

How do you do? Very well. So, how do you like it here?

Well, it's good to be busy.

Isn't it just? Where were you before now?

The Mill Health Centre. Ah. Very impressive.

So...

..how's this compare?

Well, there are far fewer people sneezing and throwing up here.

Wonderful. I can see, with sharp minds like you on the team,

we can really go places. Fantastic.

It's a comic book.

Golden space-man on the front cover, and he's gesturing like this.

Does this look familiar? It's all fore-shortened perspective.

I'm sorry, sir. What you see is what we have.

OK, so it was 700 we agreed, wasn't it? 800.

Ah. OK. Apologies, sorry. Erm...

Sorry. Let me start again.

Oh, look, 700's fine.

If you're sure. Yeah. Of course, I'll need to see the item again.

PHONE RINGS

I'm so sorry. I don't know... I'll just be right back.

I'm sorry, I don't know what that was. Wrong number, or something.

Anyway, where were we?

Uh, why is Sid saying you and me slept together?

Stop. What now?

She's scamming you.

Please, just clear off. Seriously.

You are bold, lady. This is a con.

Listen, you've been in my face all day

and I'm sure a saddo like you really has nothing better to do

than dig around for comics in a junk shop,

but the rest of us have actual lives to get on with.

OK? Do the world a favour and shut up and go away! Go!

Enjoy your flight!

Cheers.

You mind telling me what the devil is going on?

What are you even talking about? So, where did you sleep,then?

I was on the sofa! I only went upstairs to... To what?

I was in the bathroom, so it couldn't have been that?

Well, it wasn't to sleep with me so you can forget about that!

Just own up to it, you two! It's getting embarrassing now!

We're not sleeping together! There is nothing going on!

So, what were you doing up there then? He was with me.

Did you get that, Karen?

'It was meant to be a surprise.'

My first day on the job and I net you

a profit of thousands and thousands of pounds!

Thousands and thousands? My, my... She had no idea.

More like you had no idea. OK. Why are you still even here?

I didn't want to miss this.

Miss what? You nearly blew the whole thing, with your gob.

I did try and warn him. Warn me?

Yeah, the violin's a fake.

No, it's genuine. I examined it. I looked them up. Trust me.

These things go for tens of thousands at auction.

It's got the maker's mark on it and everything. Look!

What a sad, strange man you are.

Thank you.

Made In China. Is that the maker's mark you saw?

I don't...

I don't understand...

Well, it's yours now. You might as well keep it.

I'll give you the violin and... let's say...ten seconds.

Ten seconds? To get out of my shop, before I call the police.

Nine...

Bye!

To bounce back from that so resolutely, it's incredible.

And, can I just say, you are the picture of health today,

you really are.

I wouldn't have believed it,

if you didn't talk about your experiences with such passion.

Enough about me.

How are you finding your visit?

Is this what you wanted for your little empire?

I'm impressed.

Everyone seems on board with the central manifesto.

We're all earning, enjoying the success of it.

It's certainly busy.

And that's great news.

Of course, we want to keep that to ourselves.

Don't want Mr Taxman poking his trotters in.

I mean, you're the one doing all the hard work, aren't you?

No reason why the commission shouldn't reflect that.

It's how business works, all across the country, right across the globe.

We're not the only ones - if we're not doing it, someone else will.

Right. The real exploiters.

I'm not saying we're humanitarians or anything.

I mean, it's not a charity, but we get people in the country

and working, which is all they're after, and the rest of us, well...

we get a little reward for helping speed things along.

It's a win-win.

SHE SNEEZES Bless you.

What they don't know can't hurt them, I suppose?

Exactly! Nobody needs to know the percentages.

I have been doctoring a few people's CVs.

But, honestly, hands up who hasn't spruced up their own resume.

Not you, of course.

But, between you and me, I only actually got C- in RE.

"Doctoring CVs." I like what you did there! You're clever, Val.

I like that.

All that matters is we're cutting through the red-tape,

getting rid of all those boring, unnecessary regulations,

and getting to the quick, sharp end of the business.

Supply and demand. That's all that matters.

I could talk to you about business all day.

You've got such a wonderful...enthusiasm. Ha!

Now, don't get me started.

There we are.

I was reading it myself. Wonderfully psychedelic.

The Herald Of Cosmobius. So Pop Art.

Not something that idiot boy would see any worth in at all.

Yeah. So, is that it, then?

You're going to cut him off, forever?

Oh, yes. High time, really.

You'll have to change the name of your shop, won't you?

You can't have Stoker and Son without no son.

He isn't my son, dear boy! Heavens no.

He's my lover. Well, no...

was my lover...

Dear me, no. I'm the son in question.

And...not really much chance of me siring anyone else

to follow in the trade. Yeah.

Can I have my comic book, please?

Oh! Good one, isn't it?

Don't make them like that any more?

No, they don't.

How's 20 sound?

There you go. Thank you.

'I'm sorry about all that.'

And thank you for trying to protect my reputation.

I hope I haven't damaged yours too much.

Well, Karen keeps winking at me, but I'm sure I'll survive.

And Sid? Ah! Sid's hiding. Either from you, or me or Ayesha.

Or all three of us.

Well, it's certainly put the cat among the pigeons, hasn't it?

It was a one-off thing.

Yeah. I mean, you know, no regrets.

It's just that it's not likely to happen again, is it?

It shouldn't be weird, though, should it? No.

It wasn't weird. It was natural.

And I don't have anything against one-night stands, personally.

Good.

Well, you're welcome to join me tonight.

At the casino, I mean.

Thanks. I'll pass.

Right. Well, you're always welcome.

Jimmi, Come quick.

Right, I'll see you later.

Yep. Have fun. Al.

Emma.

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Come on through.

You've got it?

Behold! So you're rich now?

No, I'm not selling them. I'm keeping them! They are mine.

I've been due some good luck for some time, I can tell you.

And cos you're my best friend...

You want me to open it?

I want you to have this special moment.

For your soul is about to awaken to the possibility

of comic books as a true art form.

This bad boy, right here, it's the Mona Lisa.

Oh...

What?!

It's ruined...

Same thing? Yes. The same thing.

They're all ruined.

It's like everything else in my poxy life. Ruined! Come on.

What's that supposed to mean? Your life's not that poxy, is it?

It's been a long day.

Why don't we go to Tandoori Village or something? My treat.

No, thank you. What's up, Al?

Nothing's up.

'We get a little reward for helping speed things along.

'It's a win-win.'

SHE SNEEZES 'Bless you.'

'What they don't know can't hurt them, I suppose?'

'Exactly! Nobody needs to know the percentages.'

'I have been doctoring...'

Valerie. Oh...

Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you.

I just wanted to say thanks for being so wonderfully insightful.

I hope our paths cross again soon.

Oh. You're quite welcome.

Ciao, for now.

Yes. Arrivederci!

CAMERA SHUTTER

MRS TEMBE: Ooh!

Oh, no...

What's with the Thelma and Louise?

I've asked you here today because I need some advice.

I don't suppose you own a white van, by any chance?

Me? Nah, love. Mine's the Bentley.

Ah! A comedian.