Recalculating Doctors

Welcome to the fostering panel, Mr and Mrs Hollins.

It's a pleasure.

That's unusual. People are normally terrified.

And sometimes with good reason.

How do you mean? It's just a formality.

That was a joke.

On the other hand, what on earth makes you think that you would be good carers?

I beg your pardon?

Just answer the question.

Karen and I are a solid couple and we're very good parents.

Nice try, PC Plod.

Sergeant. Silence.

You can't speak to us like this!

I will speak to you just exactly as I please, Gobby Hollins.

Hang on a minute! Take her glasses off.

Oh, you're Zara! No, I'm not.

Yes, you are!

This woman is a work colleague in disguise!

What are you lot doing here? Al, Al, Al, what's going on?

It's Doctor Haskey, thank you, Gobby.

Did you deliberately reverse over her?

Cos I would have done.

That is out of order. Silence!

Aren't you a little old for this?

Won't the children think that you're grandparents and not parents?

How are you going to keep up with them?

I mean, do you both have mobility scooters?

Considering your involvement with the treehouse investigation,

we do have some reservations regarding your intentions.

We helped with that investigation.

You harboured a suspect!

How can we approve your applications,

if you cannot even remember the joy of bringing up your own children?

And what if you lose your marbles again?

What if you leave a vulnerable child by the road

just outside of...

Droitwich? TUTTING

That happened once with Jack!

That you can remember.

You all said that we would be great.

You all said it.

We lied.

No!

So that's why I'm not wearing the other jacket.

Karen, it was only a dream.

Yeah, but maybe there's some truth in it, maybe nobody believes in us.

And maybe it's just you being daft.

This fostering stuff's really getting to you, isn't it?

You don't say!

All I know is they're desperate for good foster carers.

There was this kid on the Churchill, right,

he went to live with his nan after his mum died.

His nan was in her 70s and she just couldn't cope with

this angry, grieving teenager, so he ended up in care.

He went off the rails, got into trouble with the police,

was sent to young offenders.

Maybe things would have been different for him

if he'd been sent to people like you and Rob.

Good morning, Mrs Carson!

Mrs Tembe! I could set my watch by you.

Happy birthday.

Oh, Cassie! Oh! I thought my birthday was a secret!

Oh, that's beautiful. Thank you! I had no idea it was your birthday.

60! I was trying to keep it under my hat!

Are you going to be doing anything special?

A quiet meal. You know, just me and Bill.

Forgive me for saying, you seem a little disappointed.

Not really the quiet meal type, am I?

She just passed her MOT. Well pleased.

Why don't you just get a new one? No.

Morning, James!

I just think if you've got a good car, you should hang on to it.

Jimmi Clay, are you bottling out! Of what?

The casino. No, I'm looking forward to it.

I just don't like being called James.

Mr Bond, I like that. Commander Bond is even better.

Commander? Does it for me.

Well, better get on! You coming with us, Sid? Oh, no, no.

I tried it. Not for me.

Aw, come on, you only live once. Shouldn't that be twice?

SAT NAV: Please turn left.

It's a field! Does this look like a tractor?

HE SIGHS

OK, stop panicking and think!

Right.

Straight ahead, look for a road sign.

CAR BEEPS

Aw, come on! What?

No!

Yeah, it's me, Marcus. I've run out of fuel.

I've no idea where I am.

Oh, hang on - Tittlemouse Lane.

It doesn't matter how I got here!

Look, please, just tell me where the nearest petrol station is.

You've got to be kidding.

I've told you, I'll make it!

Thank you.

Oh, I wonder who these are from?

Oh, Stanley Perks.

Who?

Managing Director of Golburn's Pharmaceuticals.

I cannot accept these.

Why not? We're already doing business with them.

It's just a goodwill thing. Even so, it does not seem appropriate.

And, yet, it seems churlish to return them.

Yeah, we might lose our 20% discount!

Would you like them, Mrs Hollins?

After all, this is a very special day for you.

Roughly translated, "Here's a bunch of flowers to cheer you up."

Well, yes. "After you get rejected by the fostering panel."

Now, why would you think that?

Do you know, I'm going to go.

Mrs Hollins, good luck.

You think I need it, don't you?

Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, I'm just filling up the...

What do you mean, no response. Since when?

OK, OK, I'm doing my best.

I'll be there!

I was passing by and I thought, you know what, I'm going to drop in

on my old mucker, and see how he is a-diddling!

Wow. What's up?

Why do you say there's something up?

Because I am your "old mucker".

Oh, right, well, I can see you're busy, you've got patients waiting.

Do you fancy a pint after work?

I can't, I'm going to the casino with Ayesha and Emma.

Why don't you come along? No, thanks.

Why on earth are you going to a casino?

Me and Ayesha have got this Bond thing going.

You could be Felix Leiter.

Ha! Felix Leiter!

Remember that bit when he gets eaten by sharks in Licence To Kill?

Yes. That is a dreadful film.

Well, have a nice time.

You'll come away with empty pockets and broken dreams.

Later this week, then?

Um, yes. Yeah, please.

Cheers.

So, you see, I'm thinking it's a warning.

My great-grandmother had second sight and I think

maybe I'm the same. Shh! Don't be talking like that!

If anybody hears you, we'll be done for. Get a grip, will you?

Gina's late. She'll be here, she promised.

Mr and Mrs Hollins?

Hi, I'm John McKendrick, Chair of the fostering panel.

Good to meet you both. I've just had a call from Gina,

she asked me to give you her apologies. She's not coming?

Sadly, no. She's dealing with an urgent placement.

Told you. Do we reschedule, do we?

No, no, no, no need to reschedule. Gina did explain that

she wouldn't be part of the panel? Yes, yes, no...

I understand how nerve-racking this can be. It's OK.

Are you having second thoughts? No, no!

After all that training? You must be joking!

Would you like a couple of moments?

No, no, let's get it over and done with. If you know what I mean.

I do know, yes. Well, don't worry.

If you'd like to follow me.

Happy Birthday!

Oh, Mrs Tembe, you shouldn't have bothered.

Nonsense. You are a much-loved member of the community.

You deserve the fuss!

Oh, chrysanths are my favourite flowers, how did you know?

Now, me daughter's rang twice, asking to speak to Bill.

So there may be a surprise after all.

I'm going to have to my hair and my nails done.

I might even need a lip wax.

Oh, duty calls.

Get off the road, you stupid woman!

Come on everyone, your right of way.

Did you hear me, you silly cow?

Loud and clear. I've got an important meeting.

It can wait a few seconds. No, it can't.

Get back in your car, please, sir.

I have taken your photograph and I have your registration.

Now do as this lady says or I will call the police.

You don't understand.

I think you need to take five.

I don't have five! Why won't anyone listen?!

Our Jack and Immie are like chalk and cheese.

They're always fighting.

Well, when I say fighting, I don't mean fisticuffs...

A typical brother and sister. Yeah, yeah.

They'd do anything for each other, at the end of the day.

Me and Rob, we've tried to bring them up with the right values.

Well, that's good to hear. Thank you, Mrs Hollins.

So, perhaps we could talk about Imogen's problem with shoplifting?

Mr Hollins, we understand that you asked her to leave the family home?

Yes, I did, but it was only temporary.

Go on.

It's not like I kicked her out into the streets or anything.

She stayed with a very good friend of mine, Brian Miles,

who's also a police officer.

Him and his wife, they're good people and they looked after her.

But why did you ask her to leave?

Oh, that's difficult to answer.

Was it because, as a police officer,

you couldn't handle your daughter having a criminal record?

Yeah, I suppose it was.

I'm not proud of what I did.

And what do you think now?

What do I think now? Erm...

What I think now is that maybe I could have been more understanding.

At the time, Karen and I, we were having personal issues.

Everything was mixed up. It upset Immie.

But I love my daughter.

We understand this is painful, Mr Hollins,

but we need to be sure you that you can handle children with

similar, or even worse, issues.

Of course. I deal with kids with these kind of problems every day,

and, in my mind, there's nothing more tragic than seeing one of them

end up in a young offenders' institution.

So you see your role as one of support?

Yeah, I mean, obviously I try and steer them away from crime.

But they don't want to listen to me, all of them, because...

Well, because I'm a copper. Well, yes...

And, before you ask, sorry to interrupt and ask the next question.

That is one of my biggest worries,

because I'm going to get it a lot, aren't I?

Indeed, and in your own home.

Some of these children can be quite disruptive.

Yeah. Karen and I have discussed this with Gina,

and we both understand that it's going to be hard to win their trust,

but I am up for it.

I'm up for it big time.

SAT NAV: 'Please turn right.'

You told me to turn right.

I turned right!

HE GROANS

SHE SCREAMS AND BRAKES SCREECH

ENGINE PURRS

ENGINE STOPS

I'm all right, love. Thanks.

Thank you. SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Get off!

Please, let me help you. I'm all right.

Look, ring the police. I deserve it!

And an ambulance - you need an ambulance!

No, don't move. You might have internal injuries!

You didn't hit me. I tripped getting out of the way.

Calm down, will you? Do you feel dizzy or anything?

Will you stop treating me like an old biddy?

I told you, I'm all right!

Look, that leg needs attention.

I'd take you to the hospital, but I don't know where it is.

No way am I getting in a car with you!

Well, tell me what I can do, then. Just name it. Anything at all.

What about your meeting?

Well, it's... It's too late.

It makes no difference whether I'm there or not.

SHE EXHALES

There's a surgery round the corner.

Do you think you can get me there in one piece?

If you give me directions.

You can't miss it.

Trust me, I can. Oh.

How did your memory loss impact on your life?

I couldn't remember stuff.

Well, I'll narrow it down a bit, then.

What was the one thing you found hardest to handle?

That I couldn't be a mum to my kids.

I couldn't even recognise them at first.

You had to get to know them all over again.

I thought I was a teenager.

I thought that my own mum was still alive.

I didn't recognise Rob.

Erm...

I thought he was a dirty old man coming on to me.

Was there any aspect of being a teenager that you enjoyed?

Erm, no responsibility.

Life without the pressure of motherhood?

I'm not like that now!

Well, it's the here and now we're interested in -

how things are different and how you've moved on.

Your children were away at university at the time, yes?

Yeah, they had their own lives.

It's not like they were little and needing me... No.

So, say they were home now 24/7,

would the relationship be back to normal?

And is it, in any sense, a relief that they're not with you?

Oh, no.

If anything, I wish that they were there 24/7,

but if you love your kids, you've got to give them their independence.

We're...

We're very, very proud of them. HER VOICE BREAKS

Are you all right, Mrs Hollins? Yes.

Nearly there.

Your consultant says that your memory loss may return -

that must be something of a dark cloud.

I try not to think about it.

It's, you know...

It's not going to do anybody good, worrying about it, so...

Anything else?

Judith?

Mr and Mrs Hollins, thank you very much for your time.

If you wouldn't mind waiting outside a few moments,

while we have a discussion?

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Right, so, what do we think?

Judith, did you want to say something? Yes.

Ooh. I feel as if I've turned myself inside out.

That Judith woman was in my dream.

Really? She's nothing like Zara.

She's got the same evil eye.

Yeah, she has, I'll give you that, but don't worry about it, OK?

They'll either approve us or they won't.

ROB SIGHS

It's like being fired off The Apprentice.

Well, they're the ones losing out, and I'm going to tell them so,

and I'm going to look that Judith woman in the eye when I do!

I'm all right, love. Don't you worry.

I won't be seeing you later, will I?

Oh, what a shame.

Right. See you tomorrow, then, eh?

Oh, me daughter's definitely doing me a surprise birthday party for me,

or she'd be down here like a shot!

It's your birthday!

Oh, I've spoilt it.

No, you haven't.

I hope you are proud of yourself, young man!

Not particularly, no.

I blame myself. I should have called the police.

Don't beat yourself up. Nobody died.

Your behaviour today has been reprehensible.

Tell me something I don't know.

My family thinks I'm a waste of space, so join the club.

I am simply pointing out that there are more important things in life

than a business meeting.

It wasn't a business meeting.

It is a matter of respect...

I was going to see my mum at St Phil's.

She's...

HE SIGHS

Aw...

Shouldn't one of us go after him?

My sister rang me yesterday afternoon.

I should come to see Mum.

She's had cancer for a while now.

She's fought it off so many times, but...

..they say there's no hope now

and the end is probably going to be very soon.

I am so sorry.

Well, she's unconscious now, so she won't even know if I'm there or not.

She may.

And all I'll get is earache from my sister!

Yeah, and if you do not go, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Hey, none of this is my fault!

I would have been there on time if...if...

If you had not been so terrified,

if you were able to concentrate,

if...

Deep down, I think you did not want to get there.

I can see you have a high opinion of me(!)

Grief can affect us all in very different ways.

What are you scared of?

Seeing her ill like that?

Yeah, but...

..it's knowing that I could have come home more.

Where was I when it mattered? When I could have helped?

My sister put her life on hold to care for my mum.

I don't deserve to be at that bedside.

We cannot change what has happened in the past -

only the present and the future.

You are a young man.

The decisions that you make now will affect you

for the rest of your life.

Would you like me to call the cab?

When you get there,

you plant both feet firmly on the ground

and take a deep breath.

Yeah. It has always worked for me.

Thank you.

Mr and Mrs Hollins, the panel has reached a decision...

I've got something I want to say!

I don't think that you... No, before you...

Mrs Hollins, before you do,

it's my pleasure to inform you that we think you

would make excellent foster carers.

You've been approved. Congratulations.

Whoa! ROB CHUCKLES

Well, thank you.

Thank you so, so much! That is great news. Oh, thank you so much!

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, Judith.

Oh, thank you so much!

Wow!

Mwah!

LAUGHTER Wahey!

Ah!

MACHINE BEEPS

BEEPING CONTINUES

Oh, you've remembered. I'm impressed!

Stick close to me, Moneypenny!

Aye, aye, Commander.

Well, hello! And don't you look smart?

Jimmi's channelling his inner secret agent.

Lola Legova, it's been a long time.

IN RUSSIAN ACCENT: Is that a Beretta in your pocket,

or are you just pleased to see me, Mr Bond?

Uh, back off, Lola.

No. Oh, no, come on! Since when was James Bond a one-woman man?

Yeah, but she's a baddie. Yeah, but that's the best kind.

Do you know what? I've realised that I love a challenge.

And isn't that brilliant?

It's never too late to learn something new about yourself.

Well, do you fancy a few more lessons?

CORK POPS

Ha!

There is nothing that you can teach me about that.

ROB BLOWS A RASPBERRY Do you want to bet?

Do you want to bet?

PHONE RINGS Oh, hey, hey, hey!

It's Immie! Oh, it's Immie!

Where's the phone? Perfect timing, as usual.

Go away, Immie!

Where's the phone?

Oh! LAUGHTER

Hey! Go away! Oh!

Hello, Immie! Oh!

KAREN CACKLES

Oh, hello, Gina!

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Cheers, Gina!

Tonight, as in tonight?

Oh, I'll have to call you back.

Erm, won't be long. Ten minutes.

Bye-bye.

Gina wants us to take a child tonight.

What?! Don't just lie there! Aaargh! Oh!

I would say that was beginner's luck, Mr Bond.

Oh. Mwah!

Agent Legova, you are a sore loser.

I think you'll find I'm just a victory waiting to happen.

# Whatever Lola wants

# Lola gets. #

You need to up your game.

Oh, well, I am trying.

Oh, Moneypenny, come on, you are so fired!

EMMA LAUGHS

Cheers. Really?

Cheers.

Get it down you.

MACHINE BEEPS

BEEPING CONTINUES

Mine, I think!

Yeah, but the competition's getting stiffer.

Oh, I need filling up.

Right, that's me! I'm out. You're not going?

Listen, if I don't go now, I'll be living on scraps.

It's so not my night.

No, no, look, stay, have another drink. My treat?

Honestly, Emma, I'm going. Why don't you two stay on.

Jimmi?

Yeah, whatever.

Right, see you tomorrow,

and don't come crying to me with a hangover.

OK, Mum(!)

Just you and me, then.

Mmm.

SLOT MACHINE CHIMES

ROB GRUNTS Oh...

It's right on the bone.

Get that down you!

HE GROANS

What is that?

Gravy.

Gravy?

We don't need... We don't even need coffee, do we?

We don't need it cos we only...

We only drunk we're think.

We think we're drunk!

We think we are drunk!

No.

No, no, no, no, no, that's not true, is it? We are drunk.

We can't... We can't be doing this, Karen.

It's not fair on the kid, is it?

Listen, listen...

IN POSH ACCENT: I need to go to A

It's just bruised, you big girl's blouse!

No, that's what we tell Gina.

But it's a lie.

Well, we can't tell her that we're hammered, can we?

Call her! Call her!

Why me?

Because I'm in pain.

Oh, no, I don't...

Oh, I don't want to!

Oh. Oh, it's...

Hi, Gina. Hi, hi, hi.

Listen, erm...

we can't.

I'm ever so sorry. We can't do tonight's placement.

Erm, because, erm, Rob's hurt his hip.

He... He... ROB SQUEAKS

Oh, Gina! No, I'm so sorry, but we've been drinking.

We were celebrating and we've had a couple of...

three bottles of...

and we're hammered.

That's...

Oh, do you ever feel that life has dealt you a really bad hand

and that nothing is ever going to change that?

Frequently. It's not just us, though, is it?

I mean, how many people do you know who've had

some kind of a blow or another?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's the booze talking. Ignore me.

No, no, no, no, it's life,

and you're right, it sucks a lot of the time.

All of the time.

Emma, come on. You're the one who's been dragging me out my shell,

and getting me to cut loose and strut my stuff, you know?

And, granted, most of the people here probably think

that I'm some overdressed idiot.

Or, strike that, overdressed, slightly drunk

and probably skint idiot.

No, they don't! You look a real pro.

Well, a pro what?

But the reason that I look and feel this good is

because I'm sat here with you, the most beautiful woman in the room.

That really is the booze talking.

No, it's true.

I mean, you have to grab what you can of the good stuff, right?

Erm, we've had a lot to drink and I don't want to take advantage.

Are you kidding?

Morning. Are you going to be much longer?

And whatever concerns you may have,

you need to address them now.

If this isn't the position for you,

then you need to be upfront about it.

No, no. I can do it.

And how much for this comic?

OK! Yes! ?15. Will ?15 do?

One-five pounds sterling for the Omega League? Yes, please.