The Da Vinci Toad Doctors

# Lydia, oh, Lydia

# Say have you met Lydia?

# Lydia the tattooed lady

# She has eyes that folks adore so

# And a torso even more so... #

Not again...

# Lydia, oh, Lydia... #

This is getting beyond a joke, now.

# ..Lydia the tattooed lady

# She has eyes that folks adore so... #

Yes, Jonah, we get it. You're different.

# Lydia, oh, Lydia

# Say have you met Lydia?

# Lydia the tattooed lady

# She has eyes that folks adore so

# And a torso even more so... #

This is nuts.

It's OK for you. You sleep through it most of the time.

Take another pill.

The floor is lava!

Everyone get to high ground, now!

SHE SIGHS

There aren't enough hours in the day for this much stupidity.

Women and giraffes first.

-Morning!

-Good morning.

-Morning.

-Morning.

"You're sweet enough"?

Yes, well, after our meeting,

I have been reading about the problem of excess sugar in our diet.

Not in mine, I can assure you.

It is everywhere!

And as a health practice, I think we should

strive to set a better example for the community.

So I am going to be sending everyone an e-mail,

just to outline how we can best move forward on this together.

Excuse me.

So no more sugar in anyone's tea?

It's going to be just like the happiness projects, isn't it?

Ugh.

PHONE RINGS

Mr Aris?

Jonah?

Are you done?

I don't know my NHS number, ironically.

-I'm reading maths.

-Ah.

Jonah Aris?

Would you like to come through?

PHONE RINGS

Good morning, campus surgery.

Hi, Val!

She's not!

All of us?!

Well, I can't wait for that to drop into my inbox.

William, my housemate, sent me the link.

-# 'Lydia, oh, Lydia...' #

-Is this a public site?

I thought they were winding me up when they said I kept sleepwalking.

It's a bit more than sleepwalking, isn't it?

I've been like that since I moved in, apparently.

I don't even know that song.

Did you do anything like this before university?

I think my parents would have said something.

How about talking in your sleep?

Yeah, sure, when I was younger.

Are you on any medication?

Any other health issues?

No. Not that I know of.

How are you finding university life?

Great, I'm in my element.

Pure mathematics, applied.

-Drink?

-No.

-Drugs?

No, neither.

I only turned 18 a couple of weeks ago.

It's all about the work.

The Fibonacci sequence is what gets me going on a Friday night.

Good for you. Let's take your blood pressure.

Can you take your jacket off, please?

I have been feeling a bit tired, headachy.

And if I spend my nights singing and dodging lava, it's no big surprise.

Right, good.

-Got any plans for lunch?

-Why? You buying?

No, I just thought you might fancy another Boxalula session?

Hmmm.

Feet up with a bacon sandwich,

or sweaty leotards in the gym...?

Well, we could do both.

Haven't got my stuff with me. Sorry, bacon wins.

You know, we could swing by the house and pick it up?

Come on. It'll do us good.

Did you really enjoy it last time?

What was it, the naked aggression,

or the semi-naked instructor?

No, don't be silly!

Sexy Seb with the snake hips.

SHE LAUGHS

Well, I will admit, he was rather easy on the eye.

-Rumbled!

-No, come on.

I've been there and done that.

Remember the yoga teacher I told you about? Adam?

-Oh. The one who ran off with Howard's date?

-Exactly.

No, it's just that stuff's easier with a friend.

Come on. Please?

SHE SIGHS

Go on, then.

Great.

So I thought first year students had to live in the halls of residence.

It was a late placing.

So you enrolled a year early,

and they bent the rules on accommodation?

I'm a big fish...

..little fish...

cardboard box...

Jonah?

Sorry.

Uh, no room for me in the halls.

My housemates needed a third.

They're OK.

They think I'm doing it for attention.

I didn't believe them at first.

So they thought you were faking it,

and you thought they were making it up.

They're final year students.

They're the "grown ups".

I wondered if they were just saying it to keep their distance from me.

Why would they do that?

Well, double whammy.

I'm a maths geek,

AND I'm really young.

I'm a cash cow, not a housemate, really.

I've tried to see it from their point of view.

I was considered a child prodigy,

a potential high flyer.

I've never looked for special attention, though.

You know, big fish, small pond, tadpole...

It's all the same.

HE SIGHS

"To all staff, we are now declaring war on sugar.

"My new directives are to take immediate effect,

"with no exceptions..."

HE SIGHS

I want you to go to A&E.

What?

I'm not that bad!

-Is there anyone who can go with you?

-Is it that serious?

You need to be urgently assessed.

OK. I can go after my lecture.

I don't think you...

Yes, it's Dr Heston Carter at the campus surgery.

I need an ambulance straight away, please.

OK.

You see, I always thought that when it said low fat on the label...

No, that doesn't necessarily mean low sugar.

No, I was going to say, "That you could have twice as much."

Let's face it, anything taken to an extreme, it's not good.

Food, drink, religion...

-And that, there, is the voice of wisdom.

-Thank you very much.

Know what? Mrs Tembe's got a point.

I don't mind giving it a try.

Balance is the key.

Unless we're talking about sex. You can never have too much of that.

Absolutely.

If it feels good, don't waste any time feeling guilty about it.

Use that time to do it again.

And it does burn calories.

Hallelujah.

-Have you seen this?

-Yeah.

-What is it, Al?

New directive from the Ministry of Love.

"No soft drinks or chocolate to be seen or consumed on premises.

"This includes all buildings and grounds."

Oh. Big Brother is watching you.

"Even off site."

This is food fascism!

Actually, it's worse than you think.

Have you seen the bottom line, small print?

"Do not print this unless absolutely necessary."

Right.

She wants a war on sugar?

She's got herself one!

This is not going to end well.

No.

Right, thank you.

Oh, Heston?

Just checking on the ambulance. It's chaos out there.

What's the problem?

There's a pile up on the M40, and it's all hands on deck,

so I've ordered a taxi, but it's going to be 15 minutes.

Or I could get the bus?

No, let's not take the risk.

Jonah?

You didn't give me your previous GP's details.

It's just for our records. Would you mind?

SHE SIGHS

Right, time to drag my sleep-addled corpse

to a lecture on the history of China's international diplomacy.

Sit at the back. Power nap.

What about you?

5K run, then coaching.

Picking up on the whole discussion we had about doping last week.

Yeah, speaking of dopes...?

Left about nine.

He's getting worse, isn't he?

We can't go on like this.

If only we could just get rid...

Why were we so quick on making him sign a tenancy agreement?

Curse your super efficiency!

Not helping.

Can't you do something?

I don't know...

Make an inappropriate pass, or get caught stealing his underwear.

Er, OK, one - ew.

And two - our rent would go up to cover his share.

We'd be hard pushed to find a replacement this term.

Yeah, I know. Not an option.

Anyway. See you.

Oh, can you do me a favour?

No, I won't do the washing up, it's your turn.

No, can you get me some anti-inflammatories?

The chemist is on your way.

My knee's giving me grief again.

Says the man going for a 5K.

Normally it would be ten.

You poor little lamb(!)

I'll get your drugs.

-Where x is equal to a value of six...

-Jonah.

..and y is equal to a value of...

Jonah, make sure they get the letter,

and you're treated as a priority.

Um, invert x, compute the reciprocal...

And I will catch up with you at the hospital later.

Thank you, Doctor.

Could we make a detour to 106 Alderman Road?

Thank you.

Keep this on the down low,

but I am doing an underground food run at lunchtime.

Strictly need to know.

A what?

Contraband.

So does anybody want anything from the banned substance list?

I've got a serious urge for a sherbet fountain.

Do they still do those?

Don't even....

Yeah, they do, just they're smaller nowadays.

Same with those pink shrimps.

Ooh, pink shrimps.

Tooth rot in seafood clothing.

Just you wait till Joe gets a taste for them.

Not going to happen.

You have to be disciplined about these things.

I still have nightmares about what happened at the fair.

Oh, that's right.

He went off like Mount Etna, didn't he?

It went everywhere.

Case in point. Nothing for me, thank you.

Al?

I have my own dealer, thank you very much.

No.

You don't need to replenish the stash of mints

-you think I don't know about.

-What?

Soft, hard and extra strong.

You are well-stocked.

Nothing for him, thank you.

Soft, hard and extra strong?

Lucky Zara.

Chins down, feet shoulder length apart.

Keep those hips flexible, Emma.

SHE GIGGLES

-Tart.

-You can talk.

I saw where your eyes went, when he bent over...

Everyone, take a moment at some point to watch Jen.

Strong core muscles, great centre of balance.

Sound technique.

Oh, well done, Jen(!)

SHE LAUGHS

Is it trying to sneak up on you?

Oh, no, I was trying to see it a different way.

Sometimes if you turn and look suddenly...

You might see something you didn't see before, right?

Here.

For me?

I was making some for myself.

Don't know about you, but I didn't get much sleep last night.

I'm sorry about that.

I saw a doctor this morning.

And?

He wants me to go to the hospital for some tests.

But I had a bit of a breakthrough on this,

and I wanted to get it down first.

If he thinks that, what, that there's something wrong...?

I reckon he was being over cautious.

I can go tomorrow.

I know you and William think I was faking this...

Yeah, well, it's hard to believe

that someone's doing all these things in their sleep.

When I saw what William had filmed...

I'm really sorry if I scared you.

I really want us to get along, Cass.

I like being here with you both.

Don't let your tea get cold.

All right...Mum.

Oh, yes, Doctor Singh.

It's Doctor Heston Carter from the Letherbridge Campus surgery.

One of your patients, Jonah Aris,

just registered with us today.

A very intelligent young man. Something's not quite adding up.

And I was just wondering if you could tell me

about any underlying health conditions...?

'The floor is lava! Everyone get to high ground!'

No, no, he didn't.

So when was that?

'Women and giraffes first.'

Right.

Smartphone, smartphone, where are you?

Only as smart as the person operating you.

Oh! Mrs Tembe.

I thought you were going out for lunch for a change?

Well, yes, I thought I would go to the new organic cafe

that had opened on the high street,

but it has a burst pipe, it is closed.

It is such a shame.

Mr and Mrs Talbot, they are such a lovely couple.

They are going to lose a lot of money.

Mm. Oh, that's awful.

Is it very bad?

Well, the whole of the kitchen is flooded. Ugh!

A healthy eating establishment opens just across the way from us,

and look what happens.

Well, they are going to try to reopen it

ready for tomorrow morning.

No... I mean, no, that's awful!

Do you...do you think they'll manage it?

Well, it is in the hands of the plumber.

And I believe they will have to have

a full gas and electricity safety check.

Oh, that's not going to be cheap.

But I expect they have got proper business insurance?

I have no doubt.

Yeah. Oh, now you can retreat to the peace and calm of your office.

I could come with you if you want, if you need company?

No. I do not believe in eating lunch behind my desk,

it leads to bad habits.

I could make you a cup of tea. No sugar, of course...

And I think I heard your telephone ring,

so you might have some voicemails...

You know, for once it can wait.

-I'm very hungry.

-Oh, no, it might be very important.

It is the middle of October.

What?! Miss Pitman. I really...

It'll only take you a minute.

-Muffin?

-No.

The tooth fairy has entered the chocolate factory!

I repeat, the tooth fairy has entered the chocolate factory.

What?

Mrs Tembe's coming.

Good.

I take it from the sherbet around your mouth,

we are not taking this new challenge seriously?

No, we are...

HE SPEAKS WITH MOUTH FULL

Oh, pardon me.

It's rude to talk with your mouth full, isn't it?

Our sugar intake used to be in proportion.

I agree, it's really important to have a balanced diet.

So I suggest eating two things at once.

Now, people are relying more on ready meals, taking less exercise...

Oh, so you agree sugar reduction is only one part

of a much larger dietary adjustment?

It is a large but often unseen part.

I mean, when people are eating...

muffins, drinking large cups of coffee...

Right, so you're talking about guidelines, not absolutes?

I am talking about setting an example.

Well, you've certainly given us food for thought, Mrs Tembe. Cheers!

HE WIPES BOARD

You're going down, Lee, and when you do you're going to suffer!

Bring the pain, Reid. Bring. The. Pain.

I am woman, I AM pain.

THEY LAUGH

Come on ladies, let's keep our focus.

Sorry, Seb.

Hey!

Sorry, my bad.

Don't walk away from me.

Sorry?

Say it like you mean it.

I said sorry.

Some of us aren't here for a laugh.

Remember that.

OK, I'll be sure to write that down, next time.

OK, this is a class for exercise, not aggression.

You get out of it what you put in.

Put your effort where it matters.

OK, hold on.

Heston?

Somebody's asking for the doctor who saw Jonah Aris this morning.

St Phil's?

No, no, calling from home.

Um, hello, Dr Carter.

Yeah, did you see my housemate this morning?

I'm afraid that's confidential information.

Whatever. Can you come and see him?

Jonah, mate...

Hello?

As soon as you can, doc?

Things are getting really weird here right now,

I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself.

I'll come right over.

What's going on?

What do you think?

Right, we're going to mix things up for the last part.

I'm going to put you in different pairs again,

keep you on your toes.

As long as they don't put me with that black scutter.

You did not just say that.

-What?

-I know what I heard.

-Dunno what you're talking about.

-What's going on?

-Her.

-Get over yourself.

Now what?

She's being an ignorant racist.

She's talking rubbish.

Did anyone else hear anything?

Nothing to hear, Seb.

Yeah, well, Ayesha wouldn't lie about something like this.

Come on. She's obviously playing the racist card.

Because why?

Why would I play the racist card? I know what I heard.

I've been hearing it my whole life.

You'll have to leave.

What? No!

Why? It's her word against mine!

Like she said. Nothing to gain from lying about you.

Should have known you'd take her side.

Just go.

Really?!

OK, let's get back to it.

You all right?

Dr Carter.

How long has he been like this?

Since I phoned you.

He's claimed that he's Mr Toad.

That's Toad Hall, he's protecting it from the weasels.

They've been sent by Leonardo da Vinci, apparently.

To steal all the numbers, or something.

We didn't know what was best to do.

Jonah?

Ribbit!

Jonah, it's me.

Dr Carter. From this morning?

Did the pineapple have your car keys, Badger?

We may need to go for the troops.

He keeps coming out with stuff like this.

It's like he's answering, but he's not.

It's only our voices that trigger it.

# Lydia, oh Lydia

# That encyclopaedia

# Oh, Lydia the Queen of Tattoo

# On her back is The Battle of Waterloo... #

So we're going to get this day and night now? Great.

I suppose you're the idiot who filmed him this morning?

I wanted to make him see how fake it looked.

Why did you have to humiliate him on the internet?

In my book, that's bullying.

He wasn't that bothered.

Because he's desperate to fit in here.

Are you going to take him to hospital?

He said he had to go.

What, you haven't taken him yet?

Welcome back.

Doctor?

I must've...dropped off.

I was working on a theorem...

Looks like you've had a wasted journey after all.

Why didn't you tell me you were a late admission here

because of a car accident?

What? It didn't matter.

I had some bruises, a mild concussion, I was fine.

You may have an underlying condition.

He said he's fine.

You've changed your tune.

I just want to work.

It may be the accident, or an infection, a blood clot,

a haemorrhage... Which is why I wanted you to go to A&E.

Oh, mate.

So why don't you go now? We'll clear up outside, yeah?

-What is up with you?

-Nothing.

Yeah, nothing. We sorted it while you were out.

She even made me tea.

Tea?

It's more than you've done.

After all that stuff about tenancy agreements,

and how quickly we can get shot of him?

What's your deal?

Haskey!

Oh, Sister Hanif, have you seen Dr Haskey?

Oh, he's covering for Heston at the campus.

Some emergency...

Valerie said that he volunteered.

Yes, well, I'm sure he did. You see?

This is the level of response you can expect on the matter of sugar.

That's just Al being Al.

Well, he is not alone in his condemnation.

Do you want me to have a word?

Perhaps the two of us, you know, encouraging new habits...?

No.

No, no, no, I would not like you to be ridiculed as well.

Hey, I'm tough, Mrs Tembe.

Take a lot more than Al and his sense of humour to get to me.

Now...

Haskey.

So you put your sleeping pills in his tea?

Do you realise how stupid that was?

Only one.

It can't be that bad. You prescribed them for me.

So you thought you'd do some moronic experiment?

Anything could have happened! Look what did.

They weren't much use to me.

It could have clashed with something I was prescribing him.

But you didn't, did you?

You gave him a sedative without his consent.

I thought you were doing something nice for me.

You gave me the idea.

What? No, no, no,

No way are you sticking this on me.

-Are you in on this too?

-No!

You asked me to get you anti-inflammatories.

Taking stuff so that you could get back to normal.

I thought the same would work on Jonah.

Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?!

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'm sorry, OK?

All I can say is that we were all tired this morning,

and I know you're not playing at this.

I've really messed up.

I suppose, if I'd have gone to the hospital like I was meant to...

And you're going now. No excuses.

I'll come with you. For support.

One of the neighbours complained about Toad Hall.

SHE SIGHS

This just keeps getting better.

Ugh, I'm knackered.

I wanted a bacon sandwich.

I just want a bath.

Sorry about what happened.

I hope it won't put you off?

Why would it? You didn't do anything wrong.

Yeah, you've nothing to apologise for.

No, I was going to say...

I hope it won't put you off going out for a drink sometime?

-See you, Seb!

-Me?

Laters.

Sorry, totally missed that.

She said yes. What was it, Friday?

Friday.

Cool.

Emma, what is wrong with you?!

EMMA LAUGHS

AYESHA SIGHS

Do you think they'll charge her?

Depends.

It was assault.

Bit harsh telling them, though, doc.

Is it any worse than what you did to Jonah?

Oh, come on.

Sorry, mate.

I'll take it down. I didn't mean to show you up.

Can we just forget it?

There are bigger problems to face.

Well, that's me told...

Is that it? Smack on the wrist, don't do it again?

Nope. I'll be hearing from them.

Reported for consideration of offence.

An apology's not enough. Apparently.

Brilliant. Now she REALLY hates me.

It's not your fault.

Now, do I need to take you to hospital?

I'll take you.

You shouldn't have to go through this alone. I'll, um...

get my keys.

What if they find something like a tumour?

Or...or curing me makes me normal, and not a maths genius?

The important thing is we find out what's going on.

I just wish I could solve it like an equation.

Well, this won't be solved with algebra.

I did not expect so much resistance to the idea.

Well, people usually react badly to being told what's good for them.

All you can do is make them aware, and hope.

Yes, well, I hoped to lead by example.

Oh, what are we talking about?

We were just discussing that.

Oh, flaming Ada!

I'm not being funny.

I mean, you can ban this and that, but...

You can't be a working mum without the occasional ready meal.

A personal choice in your private life, that is a different matter.

Well, much as your intentions are entirely honourable...

Nevertheless, we're going to give it a go. Right?

Yes, but I don't think you can

impose this lifestyle on ALL your co-workers.

People do have a right to choose.

Well, I have listened to your thoughts

and I still think we should try this together.

I will rethink my strategy.

Goodnight.

-Night, night.

-Goodnight, Mrs Tembe.

Why does she do this stuff?

Because she cares.

And because she's faced a lot of hostility today.

It won't be popular.

Yeah, I agree. She's picked a tough battle.

Which she's going to lose. But she'll bounce back.

All she's asking for is us to try a healthier diet,

you know, set a good example.

I mean, is that so terrible?

She's feeling very unsupported, Karen.

I cannot wait to see everyone enjoying it.

-What is that?

-It's a cake.

It's a lot of cake.

This is Valerie. I don't know why she's dressed like that.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-I am from the Sugar Resistance!

I'm not completely shallow,

and I'm capable of making my own decisions,

thank you very much!

Well, pardon me for daring to take an interest!

No, no, no! Hands off until Mrs Tembe gives the nod.