Firehawk and Dazzle Berry Doctors

-Whoa!

-Sorry.

-What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Oh. Hey, so, Emma's told me about your date.

-Emma's all mouth.

-Oh, she's just happy for you.

-AL CACKLES

-HE'S happy.

-AL:

-Just you wait, I'll prove it to you.

-Who's he got in there with him?

-Nobody.

Weird.

Anyway, I don't know if it's worth it.

Don't be daft.

First dates are exciting.

-If you say so.

-Think of the posh nosh!

AL CACKLES

Oh, hello.

Hi, there.

Hi. Who are you?

Today, I'll mainly be stopping in this world, so I'm Mary-Anne.

This world? Where in this world?

Bristol.

Oh. As opposed to...?

-Ipurdian.

-E de de de de!

Ipurdian? Our Jack plays that. I know about virtual worlds.

Haven't you got stuff to be doing, Karen?

I'm sure I can hear the phones ringing.

Al and I are members of The First Tribe.

FOUNDING members, actually. It was London 2012, wasn't it?

Gaming - not an Olympic sport!

Well, it should be.

So, do you know this lummox in the real world?

Yeah, I do.

Oh! And what's your game name?

Dazzle Berry.

Oh. Well, I'm Karen. It's very nice to meet you.

I'm going now. You - bring your mug out.

Ooh! So, if you're Dangle Berry...

-Dazzle.

-Sorry. He's...?

Firehawk.

-Thanks for that(!)

-CAROL CHUCKLES

You're welcome.

Can a chap not have a secret?

No.

Right, well, I'd better get going. I will see you in "Brizzol".

One of my favourite places. You will never eat a better curry.

What are you putting lipstick on for?

Whoa! That was close.

They're not even that nice.

Thanks for that(!)

For what? I think they're luxury.

Oh, please! They're like custard cream flavoured with chocolate.

Sounds luxury to me.

For telling Karen about tonight.

No! You're eating out.

Sorry, I didn't realise that Seb was a secret?

-Biscuits?

-No!

I'm saving you from yourselves.

Heston!

It's for your own good.

The low-sugar lifestyle is not as easy for everyone

as it is for Ruhma and me.

Yeah, cause he's doing really well(!)

I'm cleaning up my act

I want one to dunk in my tea.

Do you, Emma? Do you really?

Here!

"Do you want it, Emma? Do you really?"

Mm, yummy.

Well, it is a very long way to go for a care review,

as she is no longer your patient.

You remember Sarah. She's a really nice girl.

She wants to stay in Bristol, and...

Look, Mrs Tembe, she wrote me a really nice e-mail.

She has found a champion.

Well, I don't know about that,

but I'm planning on killing two birds with one stone.

I'll see her, then I've got another mate I'm going to see.

Do you get to see them often?

No, in fact, I've never met them.

And yet, riddle me this, I saw them this morning.

We video chatted. It's a virtual world, Mrs Tembe.

I have an old friend in Botswana - Warona.

I call her every month.

Do you know, that you had to pay a pound a minute

to call anywhere in Africa?

A pound a minute?

Yeah. Now I can just prop her up in the corner and we chat away and

we cook a lamb curry that we had in a hotel in Gaborone, many years ago.

Well, that's the modern world.

25 years ago.

Oh, it was so beautiful, and that lamb curry, Dr Haskey. Ah!

Well, we have promised ourselves that we will eat it together,

one day, in that hotel.

One day.

And you will do. And, until then, the internet is a wonderful thing.

My friend Mary-Anne and I, we're online gamers.

Ah. Well, I also play Sudoku.

That's not an online game, Mrs Tembe.

Too dressy?

Maybe. What about your blue top? With a black skirt and blue tights?

I'd look like a bruise.

Yes, I see your point.

Wotcha, Thunderhawk.

If you're going to try and mock me, Nurse Lee,

try and get my name right.

Yeah, what was it? Oh, Firehawk!

-Correct. Five points to Reid.

-See you later.

-Yeah.

-When's the awards ceremony?

-What's with the pot plant?

It's a gift.

Al, in the real world, we say it with flowers.

In Ipurdian, my friend Mary-Anne plays Dazzle Berry,

and her character has the ability to harness the power of plants.

So you're taking her that?

Yeah. It's a really thoughtful gift.

It's a crassula. Apparently, it's a money plant,

and they're really easy to look after, and they bring good luck.

And have you actually met her? This FRIEND?

Yeah. Believe it or not, I actually have.

Men don't buy women plants for no reason. You like her!

What? I don't. We're just friends.

What, so it's just a dork-fest, then? No sex?

Excuse me, you don't get to use the D word.

That is our word.

Dork.

PHONE RINGING

Well, I think it's sweet.

She's a lucky lady, Al! Have a lovely evening.

Yeah, grow up, love birds.

Don't be so sensitive.

Answerphone, answerphone again.

I feel like we're playing

answerphone table tennis, or something.

Right, I've just checked, and the M5 is clear.

So, after I've seen my patient, I'm going to go straight to the

Punjab Paradise. From the way you've described it,

I'm expecting nothing short of paradise.

Right, so, erm... Yeah, give me a call back. No, strike that.

Don't call me back cos I'm driving.

But I'll see you in a bit. Yes. Bye.

# If you're looking for the big adventure

# And gold is all that's on your mind...

PHONE RINGING

# If all you want's someone to take your picture

# Then I won't waste your time

# See, maybe I'm too quiet for ya

# You probably never noticed me

# But if you're too big to follow rivers

# How you ever gonna find the sea? #

-Oh, er...

-Delivery?

-Er, yeah, I suppose it is. Gerard?

-Is there a card?

-No, I'm Al.

-I'm just on my way out.

-Oh, no worries, I'm...

Mary-Anne said that you were really busy.

I finished a bit earlier than I thought I was going to,

with my patient, and I don't really want to be carrying this around

to the restaurant, so I thought I'd leave it here for her,

if that's all right.

Oh, don't tell me Mary-Anne's already got one!

-Who's Mary-Anne?

-AL CHUCKLES

Oh, you're serious.

So, date night for Ayesha?

Mm. She's already booked her taxi.

Mind you, she has sworn off pudding.

Whatever. Laters, Mum!

How about you, Karen?

Oh, Rob's been cooking all afternoon.

One of his legendary casseroles.

Of course, a casserole really rather cooks itself.

It sounds lovely, Karen. Heston's cooking for us.

And what are you going to be serving tonight?

-He's bought a net of carrots.

-Oh, lovely.

How lovely to be cooked for by somebody else.

Haven't you two done well?

-What?!

-Well...

I don't need a man to cook for me.

Enjoy your carrots!

It'll be a simple explanation.

I should imagine so.

Wow! Nice place.

Very swish!

I bet you it's my fault.

It usually is my fault. She'll just live next door, or something.

Where another guy called Gerard lives?

Oh. Yeah, good point. Or maybe she used to live here.

Yeah, that's what it'll be. Except... Except she didn't.

She moved a couple of years ago.

I've lived here over ten years.

My partner, Juliet, moved in last summer.

Your partner?

OK, erm...

I'm going to show you a photograph.

Please tell me that this is not your partner, Juliet.

It's not.

Good.

All right, tell you what. Listen to this.

This is the Mary-Anne that I know.

Hey, there, Firehawk. Been thinking.

Just up from Punjab Paradise, there's a gelato place.

I do know her. Her name is Geena.

-Geena?

-Yes.

Where do you know Geena from?

Speed dating. It was a couple of years ago.

She came here for dinner.

She came here?

Oh, right, and did she move in, by any chance?

What? But I forgot?

Look, I don't want to offend you, but I am not the weird one here.

It was Geena who was odd.

In what way?

Not quite balanced.

Right, so you dumped her, didn't you?

I told her we could be friends.

Fair enough.

She said she had enough friends already.

Look, maybe it's as simple as this.

Her place is seedy, she wants you to think she lives somewhere nicer?

She liked this house.

Yeah. I can't blame her. I like this house too.

She was probably just trying to impress you.

So, what was with the name, then?

It was speed dating. It will have been a bogus one.

Listen, if I were you, I would meet her as planned,

and keep my mouth shut.

-I wouldn't embarrass her.

-Yeah.

So I should just go to the restaurant, right?

That's best.

Just relax and wait for her.

Yeah.

Yeah. That sounds like a plan.

-Good luck.

-Mm.

You must pay your window cleaner a fortune.

Artificial sweetener? No, I don't think so.

Right, I am going to go for a soak.

Have you got enough carrots there?

Dinner is quarter past eight.

OK, perfect.

It's very intriguing. Do you want a hand?

No, I'm fine. I've got the Hairy Bikers and Mr Kapoor.

OK, enjoy!

I am so, so sorry.

On my life, I ordered a taxi for 20 to.

Said it was outside. Twice. It wasn't.

You're here now.

Then three turned up. It got a bit heated.

Coat?

Actually, I think I might keep it on.

Really? You look a bit warm.

But lovely, obviously.

To be fair, I have got a bit of a sweat on.

Half an hour late, and I got the dress code completely wrong.

Hmm. You kept yourself entertained.

Yeah, I'll get fresh bread.

I'm glad you didn't stand me up.

You're not, like, one of those gluten-y people, are you?

No carbs?

Oh, God, no, I'll eat anything, me.

-Menus?

-Thanks.

Hello, answerphone, it's your new BFF. Thanks.

Right, so, we were supposed to meet at seven, and it's now...

It's now 25 to eight, so either I got it wrong,

which I didn't, or there's something's up.

So, erm, can you give me a call, let me know, either way?

Right, thank you.

We have poppadoms, for now.

Emma used to do reviews.

When it first opened, she did one for here.

This is so nice.

You should...

Answerphone, it is eight o'clock.

You are officially one hour late. Congratulations(!)

This is getting weird.

I met Gerard earlier, which was equally weird.

I'm starting to get the feeling that something's up, so...

-SIGHS

-You know what?

I'm going to give your work switchboard a call.

Right, speak to you later. Bye.

Sorry, do you want to come and join me(?)

You might be able to hear me a bit better.

Rude.

Good evening, ABL 24/7, Resource and Fulfilment Management.

Collette speaking. How may I direct your call?

Hello, Collette. I'm trying to reach one of your executives,

but I think there's a problem with her direct line.

I don't think so.

OK, well, do you think you could go and check her office for me?

Sorry, no.

-It's really important.

-I'm sure it is, sir,

but our phone system is perpetually fault-monitored.

Our lines do not go down, and I don't leave reception.

OK, I understand that, Collette,

but I've been trying to reach her all afternoon.

She was supposed to meet me an hour ago,

and there was some weird mix up with her address...

And her phones?

Yeah, I've tried them. Her mobile AND landline.

Look, come on, man. I'm waiting in a restaurant for her.

Oh, dear, that must be horribly embarrassing.

It is a bit. She was supposed to meet me at seven.

Sir, may I suggest that you have obviously been stood up?

Rude.

So that Jen woman cancelled her membership

because your gym's not racist?

That's about the size of it.

Good.

Did you have to wrestle her for her membership card back?

It's a cut.

My mother's a nurse. You know what nurses are like.

-Sure do.

-And mothers.

What about yours? What's your mum do?

I think I'm going to go straight to mains.

OK, me too.

So we're both pudding-people!

I think I'll have this - the Coquille St Jacques.

The Jalfrezi called for a tablespoon of sugar,

but I thought, "Why spoil our low-sugar day?"

You've made Gajrela?

Yes, I cut out the sugar and the ghee,

and the sweetness is basically carrots.

And raisins.

And you had raisins with your dried apricots

-on your muesli this morning.

-It's a healthy option.

Mm. Still a lot of sugar.

Well, that's why I had pasta for lunch.

With commercially made tomato sauce.

Well, it's tomato, chilli, olive oil, salt.

Yeah, if you'd have made it yourself,

then that would be nutritious and delicious, but the one you had,

that probably had as much sugar as a chocolate eclair.

All right, I'm going to show you something.

Don't get stuff out the bin when I've made us a lovely supper.

OK, sorry, sorry, sorry.

This is a healthy curry, and the dessert is basically carrots.

That is not "basically carrots".

Well, I made it from scratch.

It might have carrots in, and it's orange, but what about the raisins?

What is it with you and raisins?

They're sugary little critters.

Oh, come on!

Right, I need to show you how sly sugar is.

-Do you?

-Yes.

-Really?

-Mm-hm.

HE SIGHS

Good evening, ABL 24/7, Resource and Fulfilment...

OK, just tell me if you've seen her today.

-Who?

-Mary-Anne Hanson.

Who? We haven't got a Mary-Anne anything.

She's tall, she's got bright red hair.

Still not ringing any bells. Sorry.

All right, you might know her as Geena?

She was definitely in her office this morning.

I know she was, cos we video-called.

Look, please? I'm getting worried about her.

Do you think you could give me her home address?

Do I sound like the sort of receptionist who'd volunteer

data-protected intel?

-No, of course not.

-Is her hair straight or curly?

Straight. Bright, red, straight hair. Have you seen her?

She's showing as "at desk". Leave a message if you must.

No, no, no, no. I left loads of messages.

Please, do you think you could go and double-check?

I'll call you back.

-Great. Have you got my number?

-Yes!

Excuse me.

What is that?

I thought Coquille St Jacques was chicken.

It's scallops.

Not like any scallop I've ever had.

Do you usually have yours from the chip shop?

Yeah, they're battered potato. That's a mollusc.

Seafood?

Oh.

Here, have my chicken. I love scallops. Honest.

Thanks.

RECORDING: Thank you for calling ABL 24, your call is important to us.

You must be Collette. Is she here?

Who? Where?

Mary-Anne/Geena. Is she in her office?

-She doesn't have an office.

-"She doesn't have an..."

All right, well, is she at her desk?

Sorry.

Of course, she can't be at her desk,

cos if she was, she'd be answering my calls.

-Unless...

-Unless...?

..she thought you'd take the hint.

You know, there could be something seriously wrong with her.

Have you considered that?

Watch this gentleman for me, please, Andrew.

He is not an authorised visitor.

Just popping onto the floor.

All right?

OK, which desk is hers?

You have no right to be in here.

Your computer says that she is here, so where is she?

They hot desk.

They hot desk.

Ha! See? You can't make someone phone you back.

Geena, I'm sorry, but this person feels that it's appropriate...

Geena.

Geena?

Honestly, nothing ever changes.

I'm too black for some, too white for others.

There was this white girl at school, Nicky,

couldn't stand me, proper little racist.

Anyway, last time I saw her in town,

she'd sprayed herself the colour of a leather boot.

What an idiot!

That was delicious, by the way.

Mine, too.

-More?

-Oh, yes, please.

-Yeah?

-Thanks.

BELCHES

-Whoa!

-Oh, my God.

I am so sorry. Tonight is jinxed.

Ta-da! OK, a little visual aid.

This is the amount of sugar that was on your plate,

with that tomato sauce,

and this is your dried raisins and fruit.

-Could you be any more patronising?

-What?

I thought I was making us a lovely meal.

Obviously, I got it all wrong.

Because actually interacting with your co-workers

is really difficult(!)

People don't just die.

Well, apparently in this establishment, they do,

and nobody notices.

I mean, do you not talk to each other?

Do you not share water cooler moments?

If you'd checked on her when I...

At what point did we stop talking to each other?

I'm so sorry.

How?

Well, it's impossible to say at this stage.

It could be anything. Maybe Adult Sudden Death Syndrome.

-I don't know.

-She was fit. Geena ran marathons.

I didn't know that.

What now? I mean, with funerals and everything.

Well, there'll be a post mortem,

and then the police will try and track down her family.

-Donkeys.

-What?

Geena ran marathons to raise money for a sanctuary.

Did she not tell you that?

-No.

-No?

But she was your friend.

Yeah, we'd known each other for years.

I'm not sure we DID know each other.

Baby donkeys are the cutest things.

I didn't even know her real name.

We weren't going Dutch.

Whatever. Keep it.

Get yourself a new shirt, when you go on a date with someone normal.

What's normal?

Not being half an hour late, overdressed,

loo roll stuck to my shoe,

then I ordered seafood thinking it was...

So what?

I burped.

It was... It was loud.

Let's just leave it, yeah?

I can put it on myself.

Maybe you're not normal, but I think you're sweet,

and right now, I really fancy something sweet.

GEENA ON RECORDING: Hey, there, Firehawk. Been thinking.

Just up from Punjab Paradise, there's a gelato place.

A-mazing.

You can get a scoop of gelato as big as your head, and you know what

I always say - nobody on the Titanic was glad they passed on dessert!

# If you're looking for the big adventure... #

I can't wait to see you, Al.

# And gold is all that's on your mind

# If all you want's someone to take your picture

# Then I won't waste your time

# See, maybe I'm too quiet for ya

# You probably never noticed me

# But if you're too big to follow rivers

# How you ever gonna find the sea?

# So, follow me

# I'll be your river, river

# I'll do the running for ya

# Follow me I'll be your river, river

# I'll move the mountains for ya

# Follow me I'll be your river, river

# I'm here to keep you floating

# Follow me I'll be your river, river

# River, river, yeah. #

Hey, what did you do that for?

Do you realise there's virtually nothing I can eat?

I've been having these weird cravings.

Ooh, anything particular?

You are such a hypocrite!

What? Because when I start something, I finish it?

Nothing's happening with me and Seb.

Isn't it interesting how the rest of us

are trying to avoid something bad,

and here you are, busy trying to avoid something that's good?