Vigilante Man Doctors

I spoke to my mate Tammy last night.

She's the nurse at the Bostock Street Surgery.

Same thing's happening there. New conditions, new hours.

She's on the verge of resigning.

Do you know what this is? This is an existential moment.

Live or die. Fight or flight.

And I say it's high time we fought. We stand up for ourselves.

We're going to stick it to the man, Ayesha.

I'm on my break, just while we're still allowed to have them.

Anyway, how's it going with your mum?

Isn't it a bit weird having Christmas dinner in November?

Yeah, it's... It's all right.

No tears, no tantrums so far

but, traditionally, we kind of leave them until after dinner.

You know, Queen's speech, indigestion tablets

and a sudden eruption of bile and resentment.

But so far, so good.

You haven't actually gone in yet, have you?

Look, Al, it's time to pull yourself together.

Anyway, I've got to go. Speak to you soon. Bye.

Thanks for this, Karen.

It's Stanley Kopinski.

You have a prescription for me.

Oh, do I? Um...

FESTIVE PIANO RECITAL

-Hm!

-Do you mind? I'm in a hurry.

You do remember that I'm visiting you this afternoon?

I've got arthritis, not Alzheimer's.

I fancied a walk.

Anyway, I've got my prescription now, so I've saved you a journey.

I told the girl to tell you not to come.

-The girl?

-That's me.

Anyway, I need to do your blood pressure and your heart rate.

I don't have the time, so if you don't mind...

I do mind, actually.

My home visits are for people who aren't mobile.

So seeing as you fancied a walk, you can sit down and wait.

I'll do it in a couple of minutes.

Mr Kopinski?

Eesh?

Oh, great, you let him go!

I was starting to wonder if you were ever coming in.

Oh, I was talking to work.

I'm consulting on a very important medical emergency.

-Really?

-Mm.

I was starting to wonder if I was going to have to bring your dinner out to you on a tray,

like when you decided you were going to live in the garden shed.

Did I just hear you playing the piano?

Yeah. I got my old sheet music out.

Oh, you've not done that for years.

It made me smile, seeing where you'd drawn all over it

and coloured it in when you were little.

-Reminded me of happy times.

-Mm.

Shall we have a glass of sherry?

-Oh.

-Don't worry, you can have a beer.

-You've bought beer?

-Well, don't sound so shocked.

Come on, Mr Stuffy Pants.

Ooo! MR Stuffy Pants!

Ooo, I can see why he's not your favourite patient.

Stalking patients online is definitely against the rules.

Not stalking, researching.

Your Honour!

He got a suspended sentence.

Yeah, because of his age.

You think they should have locked him up and thrown away the key?

I know what they have to do to earn those medals.

Carl's in the Army, remember?

The thing that really annoys me,

his wife Betty, she was such a lovely woman.

She was one of my patients before she died.

I remember Betty. She used to bring us cakes.

You know the last thing she said to me?

"Lighten up?"

No. "Look out for my Stanley."

She'd be turning in her grave if she knew.

Ooo! Grief's a terrible thing, and it takes people in different ways.

I mean, Mr Taylor, remember him when his wife died?

He took himself off to bed, he didn't get up for a year

and he lost the use of his legs.

It's hardly the same.

-No, but...

-Sorry, but there's just no excuse for what Stanley did.

Oi, mate?

-Get out of my way!

-What are you going to do about it?

What do you want?

I know your gran.

I hope she's proud of you!

Oh!

Oh, no, what have you done?!

Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go! Move it!

Oh!

-Thank you.

-OK.

-Thanks.

-I've spoken to the shopkeeper

-and he's willing to make a statement, so...

-I'm not making any statements.

-These lads have been causing trouble around here for weeks now!

-No statements!

I know it's scary coming forward.

What I'm asking, was this just another random incident?

Because we can try and stop it if you give us a statement.

-But if it was more targeted...

-It wasn't.

Only this wouldn't be the first time, would it?

Someone put your windows in.

-The graffiti.

-So, this time you'll protect me?

If you help us, we'll arrest them.

No offence, but you lot have never knowingly arrested the right person,

so forgive me for not believing you.

Mr Kopinski?

I wasn't being targeted, OK?

MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues

-AL TURNS MUSIC OFF

-Hey, I was listening to that!

You hate Christmas singles.

YOU hate Christmas singles.

I happen to love them. Especially on Christmas Day.

OK, you do know it's not actually Christmas Day, don't you, Mother?

It's called getting into the spirit. You should try it.

I don't think so. All that goodwill-to-men nonsense.

I just don't buy into it.

You always were a terrible spoilsport.

Hey.

You were so proud when you got that.

Yeah, I was, wasn't I?

Then you and Dad refused to buy me a bike.

Excuse me! We bought you a bike, but you wouldn't ride it.

I wanted a proper bike. I wanted a BMX.

It sat in that garden for so long it went rusty.

Your dad had to get rid of it.

You ran away over that, do you remember?

Oh, we did have to laugh, watching you going off down the street

with your clothes in a carrier bag.

Off you went, like Dick Whittington!

Oh, this is new.

Oh. Your father would have said it was a terrible waste of money,

of course, but, then, he didn't drink coffee.

It gave him palpitations.

One sip and he had to lie down in a darkened room.

How long is dinner going to be?

Oh, make yourself useful, there's a good boy.

OK. Well, what do I do with these?

HE SIGHS

CREAK

You?!

I've got an interview booked at the remand centre.

-Latoya Bartley, she wants to see me.

-Oh, yeah?

She's taking the stand as a witness against Braydon Jennings and his gang.

-Since when?

-Since I persuaded her.

With that and Zara Carmichael's testimony about the stabbing,

we should be home and dry. All bases covered.

But I'm worried she's going to back out.

That's why I want you to come to the meeting.

Hm. No, no.

I have to stay away from this investigation.

It's been agreed by my inspector.

He's the one that suggested you and agrees it won't affect your situation.

Rob, I'd take a DC, but they're all busy.

And you're on this...reduced duty, or whatever.

I beg your pardon?

We're short-staffed, otherwise I'd leave you out of it.

-I wish you would.

-All I need is for you to sit in,

see what you make of her mental state. I need to know it's safe for her to testify.

-And is it?

-The sooner Jennings and his cronies are behind bars,

the sooner it'll be safer for everyone.

We're leaving in five minutes. Lose the uniform.

I know you're in there, Stanley! I saw you at the window!

This isn't funny!

I told you not to come!

Well, I'm here now, so stop wasting my time!

Leave me in peace!

Let me do my job and I'll go, with pleasure!

Stanley, I've got other patients to see!

All right, all right!

I'll let you in!

But whatever you have to do, you can do it in the hallway.

We can do it in the street if you want, but either way, we're doing it!

This is Sergeant Hollins, I've asked him along today.

I've seen you before.

Why do you want to see me?

I've made a mistake.

What kind of mistake?

Going to court. I've changed my mind.

Nah, I don't want to hear this.

There's a lot of people relying on you.

You mean you?

I mean all the people Braydon Jenning's gang's terrorised and intimidated.

Yeah, well, sorry to let everyone down, but there you go.

You're being a fool.

What's going on, Latoya?

Someone's put the word out I'm a grass.

You're being threatened?

No, but I hear people talking.

You're just being paranoid.

I'll speak to the guards, they can keep an eye on you.

If something's going to happen, screws can't stop it.

Nothing's going to happen to you.

No, because I'm not a grass. Sorry!

Sit down! Please!

Talk to me.

I can protect you.

I'm not testifying and you can't make me.

I need to make a call.

That's all right, dear, you just sit there while I do all the work!

-Yeah, but you like doing it by yourself.

-I don't!

What would you like me to do?

Get the roast potatoes out of the oven for me.

-Ooo!

-And see if the turkey's cooked!

OK. Um... I'm no Jamie Oliver, but I'd say it was cooked.

To perfection?

Oh, way, way, way beyond perfection.

You see, I'd say that's...

-Ah!

-..that's burnt to smithereens.

-Oh!

-We'll just throw it in the bin, yeah?

-SHE SOBS

-Hey, come on, don't get upset. It's fine.

This is hard.

I do get it.

But...if Braydon walks free from this,

he's going to think that he's invincible.

And how long do you think it's going to be before he comes after you?

Why would he if I don't testify?

Frightening you into backing out of testifying

isn't enough for someone like him.

He won't let it go. He can't.

And you know that.

I don't want to talk to you any more.

Please, think about it.

I want to go back to my cell.

Fine.

But, you know, now, this is something to really think about.

If you do testify, it's probably the best and easiest way to get out of here.

I wish I'd never agreed to talk.

Yeah. Well...it's too late for that.

Wait!

Look, I know you don't like me.

You liked Betty, though, and she liked you.

Everybody loved Betty.

She gave me a scarf once when it was cold.

She knitted it for me especially.

Do you know what my Betty used to say about you?

What?

"She knows her mind, but she's not afraid to speak it."

THUD!

-Is somebody here?

-I want you to go now!

Don't go in there!

HE HYPERVENTILATES

-Right.

-So, if I testify, I'll go free, then? Is that a promise?

I didn't say that.

What, so, it's a threat, then?

"Do as you're told or you're going to prison"?

You're just as bad as Braydon.

No, it's not a threat.

You doing the right thing works in your favour

because it shows the real world that you are not a lost cause,

that you know right from wrong and you can be trusted.

-I'll do it.

-Good. Good.

-You persuaded her?

-Yes.

Although I would say it was more a case

of someone just being straight with her.

And while we're on the subject of being straight,

what happened to me not being drawn into the case?

I left the room briefly, when I came back,

she'd changed her mind about pulling out.

As far as I'm concerned, officially, you're not involved. Happy?

Ha-ha! You're just moving the pieces around the board, aren't you?

I'm not that cynical. You should consider CID. You're wasted in uniform.

Happy where I am.

Hm. Ambition's not for everyone.

HE SIGHS

-Leave her!

-I can't. She's in pain. She could be suffocating!

-Are you all right?

-He's gone mad!

Just breathe for me. Slowly! That's it.

Hold it upright.

WOMAN HYPERVENTILATES

Not him! I said, not him!

Please, let us go!

-OK. You're going to let us go!

-No!

Stanley, give me the gun.

This is my father's gun.

Nobody touches it but me!

I told you to leave, but you don't listen, do you?!

Why are you doing this?

I've never liked turkey. It's too dry.

I love meat in all its different shapes and colours.

Your dad used to call you the Meat Man.

Did he?

I can think of a few names he called me over the years, but never that.

I can live with the Meat Man.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ooo!

-Thank you.

-SHE CHUCKLES

What did the sea say to Santa?

The sea. Santa. Something about waving.

Er...it didn't say anything, it just waved.

Aw, you've heard it before!

Well, it's really obvious, isn't it? Who writes that rubbish?

Could you do better?

Yes, actually, I've got a... I've got a funny one.

Um... So this chap came to see me in the surgery

and he was after a vasectomy.

I'm, like, "OK, that's quite a serious thing.

"Do you want to talk it over with your family?"

He says, "I already have done.

"We had a vote on it and they were in favour of it nine to two."

Your father was rubbish at jokes, too.

-Ah!

-What you thinking about?

Your dad and me at the Old Grand.

The dance hall?

We were regulars. Every Thursday and Saturday. We won prizes!

Henry was quite a twinkle toes in his youth.

What?! Really?!

Henry "Twinkle Toes" Haskey.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Nah, I can't picture it.

We were young, happy. Carefree!

You didn't ever seem carefree.

What changed?

What changed?

You came along.

Pudding?

Yeah, please.

Stanley? Stanley!

This isn't right. You know that, don't you?

What's not right is what those two vermin did to me!

Tell her! Go on, let's hear it from your own mouth!

He's a filthy perv. He tried it on with me!

I'm only 15!

Lies!

THEY SHRIEK

-Happy Christmas, Mum.

-Thank you.

Afternoon tea at The Ritz? For two?!

-Me and you?!

-Yeah.

-You're not the only one capable of embracing change.

-Oh!

Thank you!

Oh! Whoever thought of that?

Will you thank them - thank HER for me?

Who was it? Somebody nice? Your friend Ayesha? How is she?

It wasn't Ayesha. She's fine, thank you very much.

But why do you think that I'm incapable of buying you

something that you might like?

It just so happens, in this instance,

I did get a bit of assistance from a colleague,

but I'm sure I would have got there myself eventually.

-Merry Christmas.

-Ooo! Thank you.

-Do I just rip?

-Mm.

-Ooo!

-SHE CHUCKLES

Wear it on our date to The Ritz.

-Or on a proper date!

-HE LAUGHS

Look at that! Hee-hee-hee!

Smartness in a man's a real aphrodisiac.

How are things... in that department?

Yeah, I'm, er...I'm fighting them off.

You certainly fought Frances off.

Well, she's a vicar, Mother,

and you know what I'm like with the church. It's like oil and water.

She's beautiful and fun and kind and she likes you!

Yeah, she's adorable, Mother, but I'm such a failure

that I can't just roll over with gratitude

at the first person who flutters their dog collar at me.

I know I'm a disappointment to you

and there are no grandchildren but, you know what?

You and Dad, you weren't exactly Parents of the Year.

You're right. We should have grounded you more in reality.

Oh, reality is fine for a holiday, but I don't want to live there.

HE SIGHS

Look, being more grounded would probably have been good for me.

I'm... I'm aware I was a rather horrible teenager.

I'm not talking about when you were a teenager.

This was when you were four.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, dear!

-SOBS:

-I want to go home!

Then you'd better tell her the truth.

Just tell me what happened.

Just say it and he'll let us go.

You give your word?

He... He didn't touch me.

All he did was try to help when my mum threw me out.

We made it up to get money from him.

Said we'd tell everyone he tried it on.

You blackmailed him?

We needed the money for a... for a debt.

We were scared!

I bet you're not 15 either, are you?

-18.

-And the medals?

Spike said he had to steal something we could sell.

It's not our fault he chose the medals!

I didn't know what else to do.

We're not bad people! Honest!

Yeah, sure you're not!

Tell her why you came here today.

To get more money.

Time for you to go.

I'm not going without them.

WOMAN HYPERVENTILATES

You're doing the right thing.

Come on. Come on.

No, you don't!

Stanley!

Next time, it won't be a cushion I shoot.

Stanley!

KNOCK AT DOOR

SHE SIGHS

You must be starving. You haven't had much to eat.

Don't worry about the food.

I'm sorry about before.

I actually had fun today.

I think in some ways, this might be the best Christmas I've ever had.

Don't you miss your father at all?

Yeah, of course do.

But this is nice, isn't it?

Me and you, chatting away, getting along.

It was a great idea - doing Christmas in November.

That's a stroke of genius.

Maybe we could do New Year's tomorrow and then Easter next week?

-Hm-hm!

-To hell with convention.

All that pressure to have fun.

If I'm honest...

..I think Dad was a bit of a master of forced jollity, wasn't he?

SIRENS WAIL Stanley, please! Please don't do this!

Think of Betty!

What would she say if she was here now?

She'd be heartbroken!

I'm sorry for what we did!

-Stanley!

-How long before backup gets here?

-Ayesha, you've got to move!

-No!

Get out of my home!

He's got a gun! He's going to kill them!

-Move away, please!

-It was them! It was them!

Right!

Ayesha!

They'll get what they deserve.

And what do I get?

Help.

It's what you need.

Then you can hold your head high again.

It's too late for that.

No! It's not!

Hello, Stanley.

We keep running into each other today.

Do you want to give me the gun?

-Soon enough.

-Please, Stanley, no!

Things go wrong too often!

I know it's hard without Betty. And you can't just forget,

but she'd at least want you to try and live without her!

-Wouldn't she?

-I can't!

I know it feels like that, but...

It's not the same, but when my mum died...

..it felt like everything was pointless.

But that's what grief does! You just have to take it one day at a time!

But you're young. You've got a future!

-So have you!

-In a prison cell!

No! No! You don't know that!

Tell him it'll be all right if he gives you the gun!

I can't pretend you won't be arrested,

but you let them go. That's a good thing.

Look at her, Stanley. Look at Betty. Look how happy she was!

What would she say if she was here now?

-SOBS:

-She'd say I was an old fool!

She fought to stay alive and she'd want you to do the same, too.

You'll tell people why I did it?

Everyone will know what happened.

I know the truth and I will make sure that everybody else does, too.

Now, please...just give me the gun.

HE SOBS QUIETLY

Are you sure you can't stay longer?

No. Things to do, lives to save.

I was hoping you'd stay the night.

Well, I've got work first thing and I'd best be off.

Quit while you're ahead?

I didn't mean that.

I meant it when I said I've had a really nice time.

I like our new way of having Christmas in November.

And I like the new you.

I was surprised earlier,

when you said this was your best Christmas ever.

Yeah, well, you know, admittedly, the bar's pretty low,

but this would be right up there.

You've had a nice time, haven't you?

It was the worst Christmas ever.

It was the first one without your father!

Of course. I've been insensitive, haven't I?

Oh, Al! You're just being yourself.

This isn't doctors versus nurses, it's you lot versus the rest of us.

-Yeah.

-Don't you think this is getting a bit silly?

We're going to man the barricades. How about that?

We're going to woman the barricades.

Put me somewhere else!

Why would he come for you? The risk is huge!

-Austin!

-Where are you going? This is my husband!

He was at the funeral. He's a cop!

-Nice to see you again.

-Are you living with him?

-He's all right.

-He's a cop!