Twinkle Twinkle Video Star Doctors

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you listening to? Let me listen.

No-one's hearing it until the video premieres at Karen's Christmas do.

-OK?

-When did we agree to that?

It's your Christmas movie miracle, mate!

Hey, erm, I have got to be filmed first or I can't do it.

No, no, no, no. I bagsied first up.

-Yeah, well, I have swapped a shift at St Phil's.

-Well, but I...

No buts, Al. Let's do it.

Is Heston still doing it with you?

Yeah, yeah. He's on his way. Come on. Let's go.

Right, it's just next door, follow me.

-Where's your Christmas jumper, Al?

-Well, we did Christmas jumpers last year. You cannot be serious.

Of course I'm serious! Al, it was in the e-mail!

What e-mail?

Yo, Bazza. Thanks for covering.

Are you wearing that for a bet?

No.

Seriously?

What's this, then? A card?

What? From a bird?

The 1970s called, they want their misogyny back.

Eh? The '70s? When was that, then? When you last had some?

I mean, apart from that mad bird who works at the quacks.

You're an offensively ignorant person, aren't you, Grayson?

It's one of the reasons I went to HR

and had the original holiday work schedule reinstated.

-You what?!

-You heard.

Eh? You're not covering me Christmas Day? Why not?

Erm... You're a mouthy ignoramus.

It's bantz!

I have potential Christmas plans.

Potential? What?

A tin of beans in your pants in front of the telly?

I'm meeting my girlfriend today, as it happens.

At The Icon.

Christmas dinner at Haseldine Hall. Shak, she will love you for that.

I'll find out what her rota is and I'll call you back.

Oh, if it's not here it must be in that box at The Campus.

Erm...what is it that you are looking for?

-Mistletoe. We need it for the video.

-Hm.

Ooh, Jimmi, I was wondering

if you'd had a chance to reconsider your costuming plans?

Specifically antlers?

Er, not now, Valerie, OK?

Everyone knows what they're wearing and I am desperate for a coffee.

Right.

No chance you could give antlers a little ponder?

Because obviously if your final decision was going to be going with the pixie hat, then I...

-Valerie, have you seen my Christmas jumper yet?

-Ooooh, no! Love to!

Yeah, come on.

Dr Clay.

Mrs Tembe.

So, er, have you got our stars on film?

Ah, yeah, I've made a start. Emma's up next.

Excellent.

I have three words for you, in relation to costuming.

-Botswana national dress.

-No.

Oh, right. You know, I have found an umbrella with the most

magnificent African print.

No.

Well, is that no to both of them, or...?

Right, OK. That's fine.

Oh! All right, Jim?

So, Karen, tell me, Birmingham Christmas market - any good?

Blimey, it's been 15 years since we first took Jack and Immie.

Suitable for-for Joe?

Oh, absolutely. No, he'll love it. Are you are coming to this thing tonight?

-Er, yeah. Can't wait.

-Oh.

-OK.

-Ruhma, can you phone me back? It's really important.

Heston, what's your opinion on the Christmas market?

Erm... Worth a visit. Five million go every year.

-Always wise to get a second opinion from a doctor.

-Hm.

What's going on with you?

Erm, Shak's got a friend at Haseldine Hall.

There's been a cancellation, which is great,

but we have to confirm and I can't get Ruhma on the phone.

Well, you shouldn't be pestering her while she's delivering babies.

What's it got to do with you, anyway?

Absolutely nothing. I couldn't care less!

Miss Cornwallis?

Hello.

It's Barry Biglow. I did your genealogy workshop at the library.

Are you all right?

Oh, yes! Barry Biglow.

-Yes!

-I'm surprised you remember.

I always remember impeccable manners, Barry - so rare.

Er...do you need some help?

Oh, my contact lens delivery's fallen foul of the Christmas post.

These glasses are practically useless.

There is a dentist over there?

Yeah. Red door. Brass plaque.

Ah, thank you. Hateful, hateful place,

but thank you very much indeed.

Oh, and merry Christmas!

-Oh!

-Oh!

That was close.

Oh, dear! Oh, dear.

Oh.

Hateful specs!

Hateful dentists.

How about I walk you across and get you all signed in?

Would you?

Course.

Impeccable.

I would offer to wait with you, but...

Oh, no, I would not dream of it.

..I've, er... I've an arrangement later.

Yes, and very soon, I'm sure I'll stop feeling nauseous.

And if they'll just call me a proper black cab to take me home,

the driver might actually know where he's going.

This morning, erm, man in a suit, he asked me many questions.

What did you say?

That I need toilet.

That's good. That's very good.

This man, he's, erm, he's a busybody.

Erm, it means his head is work, work, work, work.

Have your friends been?

They-they know you here.

OK.

Besa, we know, erm, that baby is breech but there, there is

also one other problem.

Many problems.

This is important.

Because-because of the, erm, FGM... The, er, sorry, female...

I know.

Er...the baby might find it difficult to come out,

to be delivered.

You will know what to do?

You stay with me?

Yes, but I have also got other mums to look after,

but I-I won't be far. OK?

Er, what if, er, man come back?

Don't be frightened. Don't be scared.

If I not scared, I crazy.

Camilla, er, I might get held up a bit by a short-sighted

genealogist with severe dental anxiety.

I'll explain when I see you. Bye.

Oh, I, er, changed the rota back at work,

so, er, fingers crossed.

Oh!

All done?

Oh, that was awful.

Oh, poking around with her poking stick, jets of water that

would quell a riot.

I think I've just got to sit down.

I'll, er, I'll find you that taxi, and...

SHE SOBS

I could...

I've got to have an extraction before Christmas.

How can that be?

I've always looked after my teeth.

I'm feeling so wobbly.

Would it be possible for you to take me home?

Erm...where's home?

Richmond Avenue. I-I know it's a lot to ask.

I'm so embarrassed.

Well, it's-it's probably that big hack, isn't it?

I mean, who hasn't lost a bit of data since May?

It's probably, I don't know, fell off the system somewhere and been re-logged somewhere odd.

SCREAMING

I'd better go. Sorry.

-Hey, er, I'll take over from here.

-OK.

Do you mind just checking on Mrs Benson for me?

Of course.

You OK?

He knows.

What? No, no.

I-I think he's just guessing.

That was a big contraction, Besa.

You need to focus, concentrate on this baby, OK?

I didn't.

What?

Have contraction.

SIGHS

Oh, hello, are you the fairy from the top of the tree?

Go on, then.

Bit early for me.

Er, it's Valerie, isn't it?

I hear there's a bit of a works do on the offing at The Icon today.

Space for a not-so-small one?

Well, if it was up to me, but...

Isn't it?

No. It's staff members only. Not even plus ones.

Saw your ex-plus one earlier. Baz, Bazzer, The Big B Biglow.

Oh.

All right, was he?

Er, if having a fantasy girlfriend and sending himself Christmas cards

is all right then, yeah, he's marvellous.

Talk about a freak.

-Anyway...

-Yeah, he's meeting his girlfriend at that Icon place today.

Hilarious. Who wouldn't want a ticket to that?

Biglow waiting round for some bird that don't exist.

He had a real squeeze once, though, didn't he?

Even if it was only you.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

Yeah!

Oh. Oh, dear. Ah. You know you can get medication for that?

For what?

Your bad breath.

Barry's was always minty fresh.

Right, so how can I tell if Ruhma's read the messages on my application?

-Oh! App! It's an app, Heston!

-Yeah. Yeah.

Look, she's been online, so... She is working.

So, she has read them?

Yeah, she probably just flicked through.

Anyway, what is so important?

What's the matter with you?

Oh, nothing. I'm just trying to work out if I can face going to The Icon later.

You should go.

What is so important?

Shak wants to surprise his mother with a Christmas dinner at Haseldine Hall.

Oh, that's nice.

She's picked a fine time to go off the grid if I don't know when her shift is!

KNOCKING

Heston! Er, Jimmi wants you back.

-I've already done it.

-No, he said something about Father Christmas.

I thought Al was doing that?

Oh! I don't believe it!

RINGING

Who's this?

Ah, right, Daddy.

Let's see what he has to say for himself.

Daniel, the lights are behaving so erratically,

and Joe is literally terrified of them.

What are you going to do about it and what do you want?

I told you I'd check them when I got home.

Anyway, look, I'm calling you to make you happy.

What? By telling me how to stop the lights tripping the whole circuit?

By taking the wee man off your hands later.

No, no, no, no, no. You are trying to get out of the works do!

That's unfair.

No, I need Joe to come shopping with me for your Christmas present.

Have you got my list?

Course. Yes, of course I have, yes.

And later, we're going to go to the German market

because everybody here says it's fantastic.

Don't go near the lights, darling!

OK, I tell you what we're going to do. We're going to buy new ones.

I am not spending more money on this.

I am going to fix the ones that we've got.

OK, I'll drop Joe over later so you can take him shopping.

I don't object to all consumerism.

Ah!

Cooee!

-Daphne, how was the dentist?

-Oh!

Oh! Daniel's handiwork.

They have already taken out the washing machine and the TV.

Oh, I have to have that tooth out.

BUZZING Oh, no.

Mummy!

Oh! Where is a handyman when you need one?

Or a knight in shining armour?

Extinct!

Look, Mummy is going to fix the lights

but not before we walk Miss Cornwallis to her door.

No need. I found a knight in shining armour,

on Letherbridge High Street.

I don't believe it!

Mm. Zara, dear, trust me.

Biglow!

So, that's what an episiotomy is, to help stop tearing.

And I can-I can do this, but not by myself.

I need somebody to supervise, to watch.

So, I will need to talk to somebody else.

No. You do.

They find me, they send back.

I can't do alone.

If they find out, then, for me, it's a lot of trouble.

They take baby and me. Both.

Please. Please.

OK.

Help me now? Please.

You need some Christmas help, don't you, Joe?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Old school?

State-of-the-art!

Problem with the connections?

Daniel plugged them in.

Are all your transformers indoors?

Oh, you think you can fix this, don't you?

But this little chap's had quite a tough time.

Oh, I did hear about, erm...that business.

They messed with the wrong one when they messed with her.

Yes, well, thanks, Biglow. Bye, now. Joe and I can manage.

Camilla will be waiting.

Camilla?!

Zara!

Please, Biglow?

Oh, did you get my supplementary shot list?

What did you think about my idea for the, erm...

Sid, not now. Everyone's Tarantino all of a sudden.

Sorry, I'm sure you've done a good job.

Erm, so, have you got everyone?

-Huh.

-What was that?

Not everyone.

You've forgotten to do yourself, haven't you?

All right, we'll go back round,

film you and then we'll hit the edit.

You think it's that easy, do you?!

Eh, come on, guys. No, don't give it away.

It's the big reveal.

This is too stressful.

It'll take five minutes, I promise.

I would rather be seeing patients.

Think about the charity.

She is beautiful, yes?

She is very beautiful.

Everything OK?

Yeah, yeah. I just, erm... I need to finish off.

Hey. Do you want to hold baby for a little while?

I'm just going to deliver the placenta.

It's fine.

I've got her.

That's it.

You OK?

There are not many men like you, Barry.

I hope your Camilla really appreciates what she's got.

Camilla? Is she posh?

-No.

-RINGING

Oh. Talk of the devil.

Hello?

Did you get my messages?

Trust you, Barry! You're such a pushover!

Well...

Anyway, listen, as it happens, postponing is fine.

I bumped into Tina and Shabeena at Grand Central

and they're desperate to take me for a veggie hot dog.

I said I didn't need to check but they said check anyway,

so I'm checking. I'll see you later.

Camilla...

DIAL TONE

It's just her way.

RINGING

RINGING

It'll go to message. Right. Shall we?

Come on, then, everybody -

five...

four...

Three.

..two, one...

Blast off!

High five!

Barry. Good news is I've spoken to Mum, bad news is no Chrimbo update. She's still waiting on a cousin.

I've said you'll be fine with last minute,

and if push comes to shove there's the sofa in the back room.

You'll be all right with that, won't you? I know you will. Bye.

Oh, Barry, that just won't do.

Oh, I'm fine with last minute.

Really?

Are you? At Christmas?

Ah, she's got her good points.

Name three.

Barry, if you don't value yourself, why should she?

I've got you some painkillers.

But I think you're going to have to phone your friends

to come and get you, OK?

I don't understand.

The man-the man in the blue suit,

I think he's on to us.

I think I... I think we need to go, OK?

Wi-Fi code. Oh, I can't wait to see Jimmi's...

Ah, you're here. Where's Daniel?

He's taken Joe Christmas shopping.

Oh, great!

Emma's stuck at the station,

Mrs Tembe's booked a conference call and Al's got a date with a pork pie.

And this is my fault because?

I ain't at your do! I know I'm not invited.

Barry, Barry, you should join us. You're one of the gang.

You can watch our video.

Oh, er, what video?

It's our Christmas video.

-We're just waiting for Jimmi to do the edit.

-Oh.

That's a filming term, "the edit." I'm so excited.

You rest, you keep the stitches clean,

and there might be some bleeding but that's OK.

-And, erm, your-your, er, friend, Man...

-Manjola.

Manjola. She's good with babies, OK? Oh!

What?

Just...

What now?

Erm... Your friends, where are we meeting them?

-Erm, car park.

-Car park, OK...

Right.

Still no Jimmi?

No. Oh, do you know, I can't wait to see Rob.

Talk about hot sax.

Excuse me?!

He's got a saxophone.

Oh. Great.

Barry!

That's a horrible jumper. Horrible!

Oh, thank God! Barry's girlfriend's real.

And what was that daft text about?

You can't cancel our Christmas plans.

Erm... I'm, erm, meeting some...

La-la-la, not listening! Don't say new plans. What new plans?

We have plans.

And my plan right now is to have a drink.

So, I'm off Prosecco at the moment, it gives me a bit of heartburn.

I'll have a large, medium white.

Chop chop, Barry.

They're here. They're here.

-They're here?

-Yeah.

OK. OK. All right, all right.

OK.

That's it, Biglow, be a good boy.

Shut it, Grayson.

Banter! You get me? Try and be one of the lads, mate!

Be a bit more like me.

You? You're gate-crashing a medical centre's Christmas do.

Very sad!

Camilla, about my text message...

Oh, let's not, Barry.

I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have come. I'm meeting somebody else.

Don't be silly.

My mum's doubled up her vouchers and got a case of Liebfraumilch.

I don't want to spend Christmas with you and your family, Camilla.

Yes, you do.

And I don't think you really want to spend Christmas with me.

Course I do.

Why? What do you like about me, Camilla, really?

I like it when you keep your security hat on.

Camilla...I won't be your plaything any more.

Good man!

Who are you?

Daphne Cornwallis, a jolly good friend of Barry's.

Daphne and I have made plans for Christmas.

Your lenses arrived, then?

Eeeoow! Are you going to be her plaything now?

I'm really sorry if you think I let you down,

but I want a Christmas that's more than a last minute offer

of a night on a sofa.

I want to make my own decisions and spend time with my new friend.

It's over, Camilla.

Bravo, Barry Biglow. Right, that's it.

I'm going to have to miss the premiere, I'm afraid.

Ah, Zara, come on.

Jimmi will be here soon and then we're going to go live.

I'll see it online. I'll see you all on Monday.

Oh, no. No! Have I missed it? Where is Dr Clay?

-Sorry, sorry!

-Here he is!

-Hi!

-Merry Christmas, everyone!

# Silent Night

# Holy Night

# All is calm

# All is bright

# Round yon virgin

# Mother and child

# Holy infant

# So tender and mild

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Ah ah ah ah

# Silent Night

# Holy Night

# Shepherds pray at the sight

# Glory streams from heaven afar

# Heavenly host sing hallelujah

# Christ the Saviour is born

# Christ the Saviour is born

# Silent Night

# Holy Night. #

Dr Carter! Dr Carter!

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Snow is falling

# All around me

# Children playing

# Having fun

# It's the season

# For love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Time for parties

# And celebration

# People dancing all night long

# Time for presents

# And exchanging kisses

# Time for singing Christmas songs

# We're going to have a party tonight

# I'm going to find that girl underneath the mistletoe

# We'll kiss by candlelight

# Room is swaying

# Records playing

# All the old songs we love to hear

# Oh, I wish that every day was Christmas

# What a nice way

# To spend the year. #

God bless you all.

# We're going to have a party tonight

# I'm going to find that girl

# Underneath the mistletoe

# We'll kiss by candlelight

-# Snow is fallin'

-Snow is fallin'

-# All around me

-All around me

-# Children playing

-Children playing

-# Having fun

-Having fun

# It's the season for love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone!

# Merry Christmas, everyone!

# Merry Christmas, everyone. #

Whoohoo!

Three, two...

One.

How's that?

We promised you the carousel! Which horse are you going to choose?

# We're going to have a party tonight

# I'm going to find that girl

-# Underneath the mistletoe

-We'll kiss by candlelight... #

-Hello, what's your name?

-I will tell you what he's saying.

He's saying, "Daddy would like a sausage."

All the way along, all the way along, good work!

What a bear!

Three cheers!

Three cheers! Cheers, cheers!

Kiss sandwich. You'd better be ready!

# Merry Christmas everyone! Merry Christmas everyone! #

Look who's here!

Hello, Joe. You've grown big this year!