Dead Men Kiss No Womble Doctors

Al?

Oh, no! Is that today?

-You're just in time.

-Oh...

-Al?

-I, er... I left my bag at that house call.

Isn't THAT your bag?

Er...maybe.

Would you believe I'm not actually Al? I'm his doppelganger, Gunther.

Guten Tag. Ich heisse Gunther.

It's fine - you can do team building with Mrs Tembe.

I mean, she's taking the second group.

-It might not be as much fun as what I had planned, but...

-OK, Ben,

I'm going to let you into a little secret.

As far as this establishment is concerned, team building exercises -

they be cursed.

We get along fine, don't we?

Until somebody suggests we need to bond - and then next thing you know,

it's winter, we're in the middle of a forest,

semi-naked building a sweat lodge.

-It wasn't that bad.

-Or we decide to put on a nice Christmas show and

before you know it, Heston is using it as an excuse to unleash

-his inner Stalin.

-This won't be like that.

-I promise.

-Yeah, Heston's not coming.

-Is it outdoors?

-No.

Well, that's something.

Shotgun!

-Heston, I seem to have misplaced some of my team.

-Er...

All right, all right, I'm coming.

Ayesha, relax. I don't want you to feel pressurised

-into doing something you don't want to do.

-So I don't have to go?

-I

-would like you to.

And so would Mrs Tembe.

-Right.

-Right, let's get this over with, shall we?

Who chose the teams?

-I did. Why?

-Just don't expect miracles, yeah?

Ignore her - I do.

-Where are we going?

-It's a surprise.

Have you seen Zara?

No. Probably hiding somewhere.

I think she's snowed under with the QOF paperwork.

See you all on the bus.

If Zara's not keen, I don't mind swapping.

Thanks, Heston, but we need someone experienced to hold the fort.

And from what I hear, you're the most experienced we have.

KNOCK AT DOOR

I'm not coming.

It's just a couple of hours.

This exercise worked wonders with my last team.

I'm sure it went down fabulously with your cashiers

and shelf stackers but we are medical professionals

and these things are hardly transferable.

I think you'll be surprised.

SHE SIGHS

What is it?

Come and find out for yourself.

No, sorry. I've got far better things to do

than play zombies or whatever other horrors you have planned.

-Everyone else is on the bus.

-Then you won't miss me, will you?

Zara...

..I particularly wanted you to be there today.

Honestly, you're right, you probably do have better things to do.

But the rest of us can learn from you.

-I know I want to.

-Oh, please!

I mean it. You're right -

my leadership skills were developed in a different environment.

And you've been a partner here for how long?

-Seven years.

-That's why I want you on my team.

Mrs Tembe has had many opportunities to see you at work.

This is my chance.

You are relentless.

Here we are.

Oh, it's freezing in here.

This is not getting out of the office.

-It's a dump.

-Clearly somebody's been murdered.

No. I mean, yes.

-It's a game.

-Oh, yes, baby.

-An escape room.

In order to leave the room, you must solve a series of puzzles.

-Can't we just go out through that door?

-No. You'll love it.

My last team got so much out of it.

-As long as you all throw yourselves into it.

-Like into a volcano?

-So, how does it work, then?

-You're police officers.

You're investigating the murder of a private detective.

You've become locked in his office and you need to escape before

the killer returns. Anything can happen.

-Nothing is what it seems.

-It seems like a waste of time.

I think we should give it a go.

-Thanks, Al.

-You've changed your tune.

Finally, a team building exercise which isn't completely pointless.

To be fair, they do say that a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Unless it's digital and it's not plugged in.

-Oh, that's a good point.

-It's true.

Thing is, Ben, I'm not that good at these kind of things.

OK, team, I've got this.

This is the kind of thing I fantasise about when I've got a boring patient.

You listen to me and do as you're told

and we'll be out of here in 30 minutes flat, 40 minutes top.

One more thing - no-one else needs to die today. Columbo.

OK, good luck. I'll be watching from the control room.

-What? No, no, no, wait.

-One hour.

OK, let's synchronise our clocks on my mark.

-Mark.

-Well, what about that clock?

N-n-n-no, we trust nothing.

Some of these puzzles will be there to help us, and some of these things

will have been designed to deliberately waste our time.

SOME things?

So what are we looking for - a key or something?

Probably more than one key.

Let's be careful what we touch.

We don't want to contaminate any of the precious evidence

with our dirty fingers.

Like a crime scene?

Exactly like a crime scene, Lieutenant Detective Clay.

That's the kind of mind-set I need from you right now.

That's the mind-set I'll give you all day long. How many times have you done this escape room thing, Al?

None. I'm, like, 125 beats a minute pumped for this.

I was just waiting for the perfect team.

Guess who's the perfect team - you are!

Meaning he couldn't find anyone else to go with.

I had options. Right. I'm going in.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!

So, this private investigator did kids' parties on the side?

No, I am not good with clowns.

I suggest we pair up,

divide the room into sections and search it that way, yeah?

I'm going nowhere near that cupboard.

I'm on Zara's team, and we are going to watch.

-Or not watch.

-Come on, dudes!

Sorry, Al. It all seems a bit pointless.

If this is the kind of thing you enjoy, then knock yourself out.

I won't stop you.

-You're Chris, right?

-Yeah.

Hi. I'm Ben, with The Mill Health Centre.

Dave said it would be all right if I sat in here.

-Yeah, sure.

-Yeah. Thanks.

You are not really taking this seriously?

It's one hour.

Can't you just join in?

You're doing perfectly fine without me.

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

Sorry, I pressed the wrong switch.

-How are you all getting on?

-Yeah, excellent.

Just assessing groundwork, following up leads.

-They're stuck.

-Maybe if they had some help, Zara?

Spillage in aisle five.

-What was that, Zara?

-I was just wondering if you ever did

the announcements at the supermarket.

You're awfully good at it.

Thank you, Zara. That's very kind of you to say.

So, what do you reckon?

Without a body, it's hard to say. But, er...

..there's no blood spillage, no shell casings, no bullet holes.

The victim's got both arms, both legs, so...

-Can I ask you something?

-Mm.

Do you think it's possible that someone here

is taking all this a little too seriously?

No, I don't think so.

You're wearing forensic gloves.

They were in my pocket, so I just thought I'd... All right, fine.

-Sorry.

-It's fine.

-I know it's a bit of fun.

If it helps, Jimmi, there's still a clown suit in the cupboard.

Sorry. Big Brother is watching you.

Ayesha, what are you sitting on?

A desk.

This might be important.

It's a game.

-Why did you even bother coming?

-I didn't have a choice, did I?

-Stop fighting. Let me see that.

-There's nothing in it.

Let me see. New evidence?

"Nothing in it"!

-Touchstone?

-Touchstone.

-What does that mean?

-No idea.

-No fish.

-And the water level's lower than it's supposed to be.

-Do you think that's important?

-It is if you're a fish.

Touchstone. Wasn't that the name of the bad guys in The Bourne Identity?

Tread. Incorrect and unhelpful.

But Touchstone is the name of the clown in As You Like It

by William Shakespeare, 1599. Clowns!

That's not your colour, Haskey.

Don't you dare!

Dr Vere, examine the nose!

And what do we have here?

-What is it?

-That is an ice pick.

Leon Trotsky was killed by one in 1940.

No More Heroes by The Stranglers. Is that relevant?

Er...no, I don't think so.

Only 42 minutes more and then we're going to be out of here.

Hello, Zara?

It's the voice of God, telling us that cold meats are on special.

Actually, Zara, I just wanted to tell you to relax.

Relax? I haven't done anything.

Even so, why don't you try and relax, kick back a little?

Do you think that's a clue?

-Maybe.

-Why does SHE get a clue?

Anyone can use it.

No, no, no. You gave that clue to Zara.

Why does she get special treatment?

There's no special treatment.

-This is a team exercise - you need to all be working together.

-Hmm.

Er, er, er... I've got something.

What are you doing?

There is a number on the ceiling, there.

Oh, clever, clever, tricksy, tricksy. We were all looking down.

-Should have been looking up.

-3-7-1-4.

-Do you think it could be a combination?

-Let's try it.

3-7-1-4.

OK, 3...

-7-1-4.

-7...

-1-4.

-1...

-Jimmi...

-ALL:

-4!

Yes! THEY CHEER

OK, no, no. This is still locked.

-But there is...

-Of course it is.

-..a comic book.

Ooh!

Leave this with me.

RATTLING

Sh!

Nothing.

Hang on. There's an ice box.

-Ice? Hang on. Didn't Al find an ice pick?

-Well spotted, Sid.

Right.

Look - ice lollies.

Ooh! There's something in this one.

Let me.

Good technique there from Jimmi. Clearly he's done this...

Is that a key? Yes, it is!

And it's another key!

Where does this one go?

Jealous, Al? Don't you think you'd better let Sid have a look at that?

Far from it, thank you. I've almost worked it out.

The key is actually Touchstone.

Really?

That clown suit is a red herring if ever I saw one.

Shakespeare's clowns - they didn't dress like that.

Are you sure?

Why else would this comic book have been in that safe?

It's classic spy behaviour, isn't it?

Touchstone is a cipher.

Each letter represents a number, which in turn represents a page,

panel and word in this comic book.

All I've got to do now is put them together. I'm almost there, thank you very much.

Hey! Over here.

-Ooh!

-Wow. Can't we just do paintballing next time?

Al, you know how you said everything was important...?

Don't waste my time with your red herrings.

We were busy. I'm sorry.

Meanwhile, I'm back there twiddling my thumbs.

I've said I'm sorry.

-Problem?

-Oh... We had a...

Heston had a couple of cancellations.

The system went down, I couldn't tell him.

Is he in a mood or is it just me?

Hang on. Hang on.

There we are!

-Another key.

-Whoa! What made you think of that?

Sid noticed that the mark was high and the water was low.

So we thought, "How do we raise the water?"

It fits.

-Yay!

-We are free!

-Hallelujah!

-Yes!

Well done, team. I knew you had it in you.

Never mind, Al, we got there in the end.

So, what did your message say?

-Nothing. It doesn't matter.

-Let's have a look.

-It doesn't matter.

-Haskey!

Dead men kiss no womble?

Very funny. Least I tried.

Whatever. I'm just so glad to be out of here!

-Oh!

-No!

Why is she saying "no"?

Hello, everyone. Well done on escaping the first room.

You just wait until I get out of here.

Right. Well, you've got 40 minutes for this room.

-Good luck.

-OK.

People, what happened in there, that was a dry run.

I'm about to show you how this kind of thing is done.

What makes you imagine that you're still in charge?

Do I need to give another amazing inspirational speech?

I've got five words for you - dead men kiss no womble.

THEY CHUCKLE

Fine. What do you suggest?

I'm not suggesting anything.

-I'm taking charge.

-I think Sid should be in charge.

He's the one who's solved the most puzzles so far.

-I don't know about that.

-Beginner's luck.

-Yeah.

-Tell you what - let's put it to a vote.

-Democracy manifest.

All those in favour of Zara, raise your hand.

Thanks, Emma.

All those in favour of Sid.

And Haskey.

Sid, why didn't you vote for yourself?

-It's a draw.

-I propose a coalition, myself in charge,

with Sid as my deputy. Everyone agree?

Outstanding! Sid, what do you suggest we do first?

Er, I... I don't know.

Maybe take a look in the cupboard?

Ooh, the cupboard!

OK. What does the cupboard have in store?

LOUD BANG THEY YELL

-What just happened?

-I think it means you've just been shot.

THEY CHUCKLE BEN: She's right.

I'm sorry, Al. You're dead.

It's a bit of a strange choice,

splitting the team for a team-building event.

I know what you mean. Are you disappointed not going?

It's hard to be disappointed

-when Ben hasn't told anyone what it is.

-True.

Are you all right? You just... You bit Karen's head off earlier.

I know. I'll apologise.

Is everything OK?

I didn't sleep very well.

-Something on your mind?

-Not really.

I'm fine.

It's just, Heston, I'm your wife and you can talk to me, you know.

Some people would say it's compulsory.

Is this to do with the wedding photo reshoot?

Why don't you tell me what happened yesterday at the detention centre?

No.

It's not just me. Other people have noticed.

Why? What are they saying?

So there is something?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a whole bunch of nonsense.

I cannot be dead. Excuse me.

There must be some way to bring me back.

-I'm sorry, Al.

-Is there a first-aid kit?

Cos we've got a crack team of GPs right here.

You're definitely dead. So no helping.

How is this helping?

You know what? There is no chance that you're going to

escape this room without me. So I'm just going to haunt you.

I'm sorry, did someone say something?

Right, now, I really am taking charge.

Let's get some light on this situation.

This is basically the same room.

So we need to open the safe, open the desk and find the damn keys.

The safe is already open.

And it's empty. And this is just an ordinary rubber snake.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Yes? No, I'm sorry, there's nobody called Kenny here. Would...?

DISCONNECTION TONE

What is that - some kind of wrong number?

JIMMI: Look.

"One of you is a mole."

Well, it wasn't me.

Anyone think it might have been Al?

SO funny.

I think it's Ayesha.

-Well, you've hardly been helping, have you?

-Yeah, it's me.

Can I go now?

-ZARA:

-What about Sid?

YOU'RE the one who told Al to open the cupboard.

Did you know what was going to happen?

-No!

-You are SUCH a bad liar.

No, I-I didn't. I-I was the one that got the first clue, remember?

That was just to gain our trust.

-Did you know there was going to be a second room?

-No. I didn't.

Put him in the chair.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY What are you doing? It's not me.

I'm not the spy! What are you...? Emma, I'm not the spy!

So, there it is.

-Silly, really.

-Yeah.

Daniel and Zara, they're supposed to be partners.

-It's not just them.

-So don't pay any attention.

-They're my colleagues.

-And they should've known better.

It's just silly, ignorant ageism.

That's what it is.

-I wish.

-It is.

Look, wait till they've been in the job a few more years.

No. The thing is, they have a point.

-Heston...

-I'm not the man I used to be.

They're right.

Hey, look at these.

What? Where did they get that from?

That is weird.

Why would they do that?

It's well creepy.

-Sid!

-I wanted to see.

-Someone's just going to have to cuff him to the chair.

-What?

Ben, can you explain these photos?

When you book, you can choose to personalise the experience.

-Do you like it?

-Not much.

It's fine. The people who run this place are friends of mine, actually.

That is not very reassuring.

Jimmi, what are you doing? They're probably not even real...

Guys, I think this is the guy from the cupboard.

-Same jacket, trilby...

-Hang on. Let's have a look?

Obviously means something. I think we have to go in there.

How do you work that out? Ugh!

Why else put a bloke with a gun in an otherwise empty cupboard!?

-Stop it!

-What? No, no, no, I'm dead.

I'm not here. I am the former Dr Haskey.

-He's right, though.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello? No, there is no Kenny here. You have the wrong number.

I'm surprised that phone's even connected.

What about the gunman in the cupboard? How do we get in without being shot?

It's probably just another red herring.

Or we missed something in the other room.

ZARA GRUNTS EMMA SIGHS

Maybe I have lost my hunger for the job.

When I left surgery, it was for a change of pace.

And that was the right choice.

Yes. But I've been a GP for a while now

and I've settled into a routine.

So shake it up.

Do a course, you know, a new specialism.

If I thought that would help, I would.

But part of it, ironically...

..is to do with being married.

I'm happy -

the happiest I've ever been - but...it's softened me.

It's calmed me down.

And maybe I have lost my professional edge.

So you're saying being happy has made you unhappy?

-Do you know how bonkers that sounds?

-I do.

Heston, you are a great doctor.

You improve people's lives every day

and you've got every right to be happy personally.

Surely that makes you a better doctor,

because you've got some balance in your life?

Everything you say makes sense...

..but there are still these doubts, crowding in like shadows.

And yesterday and today...

..I can feel it coming back.

Feel what coming back?

My depression.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH DOOR OPENS

So?

Did you find anything?

I'll take that as a "no", then, shall I?

OK. Er...

What if there is some truth

in what you heard our wonderful colleagues say?

Just... Just bear with me.

You're getting closer to retirement, as we all are,

but you're just a bit nearer, aren't you?

Is this supposed to help?

OK, so you don't feel the burn of ambition professionally,

so perhaps you need to find it somewhere else.

You're... OK, what are you going to do once you retire?

You're just going to lounge around on the couch watching Columbo?

-No.

-So, what are you going to do?

-I'd like to travel.

-That's good. Good.

And go to more theatre, music.

Go to some festivals.

Arts festivals, not Glastonbury.

-That's a relief.

-What I do now, but more so.

OK, so would you spend more time in Italy?

Well, not just Italy - somewhere more challenging.

-South America, perhaps.

-I've always wanted to go to Peru.

-Have you?

-Yeah, so...

So let's do it. It's exciting, it's, er...

It's different. If that's not a challenge, I don't know what is.

-You're right.

-Yeah. You see?

So, you're not stagnating.

The challenges are changing, so you should pursue your passion.

Thank you.

-Three minutes!

-Honestly, that Geordie guy just won't take a hint.

What did he say, exactly?

He just keeps asking to speak to Kenny.

Do you think it's a clue?

He keeps saying, "Is Kenny there, pet?"

The same thing each time?

-Yeah.

-Is Kenny there, pet? It's an anagram.

Is...Kenny...there...

-..pet?

-We've got, like, one minute left. Is this worth it?

Key. Key... Tin?

I-N. In. The. T-H-E. The.

Pr... Pr... Hmm, no.

-Serpent! Key in the serpent! Where's the snake?

-Here, here!

-There's something inside.

-No, no, no, I've checked it.

Not well enough.

THEY GASP AND SQUEAL

Let's go!

-Let's go!

-Out, out! Come on, come on, come on.

Well done. But to win the game, everyone needs to leave.

Hello!

-Al, Al, Al...

-Get him out!

Al, please, I'm so sorry for being such a moany cow.

I'm kind of dead at the moment.

Dead men don't walk.

-Come on!

-Let's go!

-Dead men don't walk.

Out, out, out!

Let's all get together so we can get some pictures. Come on. Pose, guys.

There we are, brilliant!

There we are. Brilliant!

There we are.

SHE CHUCKLES It's going to be OK.

No. It's going to be better than OK.

-OK?

-Thanks.

What would I do without you?

Right. If you want, we can look at some travel sites tonight,

-see what they've got.

-Sounds wonderful.

Yeah. Right, go on. You go and get 'em, cowboy!

You know, I thought that was going to be really awful.

But I actually enjoyed it.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-You still sulking about being a dead body?

-No. This is a whole new sulk.

-Thanks, Ben.

-You're welcome.

-Whoa!

-Chris has been looking for that everywhere.

-I was still looking for clues.

-Al!

So, you were pretty good at this.

Yeah, er, don't tell anyone, but, er,

I've actually been here before.

-What?

-Last month with a few mates. That's how I knew all the answers.

-So why didn't you say anything?

-At first I didn't want to spoil it,

then I was quite enjoying watching Al suffer, to be honest.

You wound him up good and proper.

I know. Cheers, Ben.

You're welcome.

It could have been worse.

Please! I'll get emotional.

Sidney wasn't the mole, was he?

Let it go, Haskey. It's over.

No, there you were, acting like you weren't interested,

but who was it hiding the clues, eh?

Who was it trying to frame Sid?

It was you, Carmichael, and I am onto you.

You're just jealous because I was in charge when we won.

Should have kept the shoes.

-Still think it's cursed?

-Either it is or I am. Shotgun!

Well played.

-I don't know what you mean.

-Did you find it useful?

Do you think the team found it useful?

I think the team enjoyed themselves

but I still think it was irrelevant and silly, and we could have been

-doing something much better with our time.

-Oh. OK.

-But it was better than zombies.

-Sorry?

You heard.

He's scared - that's all.

-Scared of what?

-He's terrified he's not man enough to finish me off.

Have you eaten anything unusual today?

Where's the witch?

I told you, love, there's no witch.

He's just there every day, watching him, like some...predator.

Heston, you need to stop telling me how to do my job.