The Second Best Man Doctors

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS BRIDAL MARCH

Do you, Adam Alexander Smith,

take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

And do you promise to love her...? MOBILE RINGS

Oh!

Oh, hi, Gary.

No, I'm fine.

Well, I'm 16 hours away from the biggest day of my life and

all I can think about is what could go wrong.

You know, you could forget the ring, Sue could run off with the milkman!

Which would be weird cos we don't have a milkman.

What?!

What...?

Oh.

THEY CHUCKLE

-Morning!

-Hiya. Zara, this just came for you.

-Oh.

-A patient.

-Satisfied customer. Makes a change.

Good morning, everyone.

I hope you are ready to face the rigours of the day.

-Oh, I wouldn't say that.

-What a beautiful flower.

-Yeah.

They're from a patient whose wife died of cancer.

-Oh, I am sorry to hear that.

-Mrs Kenny.

-No!

She's been coming here for years. It was not a very happy ending.

-What happened?

-Well, she left it too late to come and see me.

She thought it was just the usual aches and pains

and by the time she was diagnosed, it was too late.

Poor woman.

Just goes to show that you should listen to your body.

Being polite can be fatal.

Yes, well, we all have busy lives and sometimes we don't have

the time to...

Mrs Tembe, your post.

Zara, coffee?

Not just yet.

So, you're up to date with tetanus, but you do need Hep B.

-Right.

-Where are you off to?

It's two days in Delhi, then we're off to Sri Lanka.

It's all right for some.

Yeah, I know. It's going to be wonderful.

Can you keep your arm still?

Tell you what, why don't you try resting it here for me?

That's a good idea. That should work!

Is everything OK?

Not really.

-What's wrong?

-Everything.

-I will email it to you today.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

All right. Goodbye.

Come in.

Mrs Tembe, I was looking for somewhere to put this and I

-wondered if it could go in your office.

-No.

No, Mr Kenny gave it to you. So perhaps you could take it home.

I thought it could go on your desk.

As a reminder of what can happen when we ignore our health problems.

I love Sue so much.

But when it's been such a long road to happiness,

all you can do is think of the things that might go wrong.

-Why should they?

-Just think I'm cursed.

Yesterday, I had a phone call.

The hall we were using has flooded, so now we have to use an anteroom.

You could always get married in wellies.

Then today, my best man called.

Except he's not going to be my best man because he's in hospital.

He fell off his pogo stick.

-His what?

-He's a toy demonstrator.

It's quite dangerous.

So you need to ask another friend.

You have got one, presumably?

Not really.

See, for the past ten years, I've been a live-in carer for my mum.

And she's dead now.

And my social life died too, really. There's only Sue.

And maybe, you know, a few people that I work with.

-I don't even think you need a best man. Just witnesses.

-I know.

It's not the same, though, somehow.

-I suppose.

-Still, start a new life tomorrow. I sold Mum's house.

All I've got to do is stay there tonight,

hand the keys over to the estate agent, then the wedding,

-then the honeymoon, and then happy ever after.

-Exactly.

This time next week, you'll be wandering past the Taj Mahal

and not even knowing what you were so worried about.

I am sure it is nothing. A little pain in my pelvis.

And a slight burning sensation when I... When I pass water.

How long have you had this?

About two weeks.

-Two weeks?!

-It is probably something to do with the hernia operation.

They gave me some exercises to do and I haven't been

-sufficiently diligent.

-Or it could be something else entirely.

Well, I will try again to make an appointment with my GP.

-I am sure he will get to the bottom of it.

-And how long is he going to make you wait?

When's he going to squeeze you in? September?

Well, what would you suggest?

-Why don't you give me a urine sample?

-What?!

-Not this minute.

I'll go and get a bottle.

Well, that is very kind.

So, are you happy to be tested for everything?

-It could be a bladder infection or...

-Anything you suggest.

Thank you again, Dr Carmichael. It will just be a relief to know.

-Right, I will see you again in six weeks.

-Thanks.

JC, let's do lunch.

-Um...

-How dare you "um" me!

Well, Daniel's just asked me. Why don't you come with us?

Make it a threesome.

No, I refuse to participate in any "threesome" which involves Granger!

Come on, it'll be fun.

He's just got back from a month in the Caribbean.

He just wants to show off his selfies and his tan lines.

-Maybe. You have to promise to behave, though.

-No. No, I shan't promise.

That's right, yeah. We met at Mum's funeral.

Last year.

I just wondered - can you do me a great big favour?

And the same to you too!

MOBILE RINGS

Argh...

Hi, Sue.

Adam, are you OK?

'Of course I'm OK. I'm eight and a half hours away'

from paradise. Why wouldn't I be?

-I've been trying to call you for ages.

-'Oh, yeah.

'I've been on the phone sorting things,'

-weddingy things.

-'You sound really stressed.'

Do I? No, you know. It's just weird being back at Mum's house.

Right.

'You know, it's almost as if she's still here,

'like I can hear her pottering about,'

clattering into things. I...think I can smell her cooking bacon.

-I see.

-'Um, Sue,'

hold on, yeah? I'm going to phone you later.

'What?!'

DISTANT SIZZLING

MAN HUMMING

'Mm!'

SINGING CONTINUES

# Yuma-di yuma-di yum... #

Mm!

Oh! Little piggy!

-Who are you?

-I don't know! Who are you?

That's it! I'm calling the police!

-No, no! No! Please! No police!

-Argh!

-Aw!

Oh!

Er...

-How's your burger?

-Poor. I'm giving it four out of ten.

For some reason, it's been covered in foliage.

I feel like my lunch has been invaded by Triffids or something!

Ah, here's the pool.

And I know people are always going on about infinity pools,

but in St Lucia, the sky and the sea are

so blue that it really does look like it stretches on forever.

-Wow, that's impressive.

-Yeah.

Here you are. I've got one. This is a dead fox.

Found at the bottom of my garden.

Now, people talk about rigor mortis, but look at Basil's tail.

You could use it as a scrubbing brush.

-Hilarious.

-Well, nature's a cruel place.

-Yeah.

I was just trying to share a few photographs of my trip with

-you both. I wasn't trying to be smug.

-Course you weren't, Daniel.

Just ignore him. You know what he's like. Don't rise to the bait.

-You got any more pictures?

-Yeah, two or three hundred.

Yeah, I got a few more too.

Hello?

Would you like a glass of water?

Am I dead?

Are you the Archangel Gabriel?

No! Of course not!

-What are you doing in my mum's house?

-Oh!

Oh, my life has been falling apart lately.

I lost my job,

I lost my home,

I'm sleeping in a car over the road.

Ah.

-I think I've walked past you a few times.

-Most people do.

All the time.

But last night, some yobs smashed my windscreen.

I tried to patch it up but it's so cold.

Yeah. And I noticed that this house has been empty for quite a while.

Yeah, it was. But it's sold now.

The new people move in tomorrow.

-Ah, well, I'll just clean up my mess and I'll be on my way.

-No, no, no.

It's all right. You can stay for one night.

Can I?

Oh, that's very kind!

This year, I've had so many doors slammed in my face. But you...

You really are an angel.

Well, I don't know about that, but um...

Actually...

Could you do me a really big favour?

Isabelle, you could find under a tree any time of day,

reading a book, but this is Joe,

he's just about to go snorkelling, as you can see.

And first of all, he was petrified of the sharks, obviously.

They were about, but slowly but surely,

he gained in confidence and it was great.

-It was a good experience for him.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Anything crass you want to add?

-Absolutely.

This is the actress Sophie Aldred.

Best known for playing Ace on TV's Doctor Who.

Now, at first, she was terrified of Daleks,

because they're around and evil, but then she grew in confidence

after someone gave her a baseball bat to whack them with.

How about you? J Dog?

No, surprisingly, no.

Oh, I am surprised. Not even a selfie with the delightful Megan?

I... Did I...? What?

-Megan?!

-Megan's the psychotherapist.

-Jimmi's developed a hankering for her.

-Oh!

She's a colleague, that's all. That's the way it's staying.

-Stop touching me.

-Maybe she's playing mind games on you.

-Anyone want a drink?

-Er, yes. Please.

But just cos you're going to the bar, doesn't mean we're going to change the subject.

-To be continued.

-You stop touching me as well.

Well, I mean,

it's a great honour.

I mean, there must be millions of men on the planet - I can't

believe I'm among of the best of them.

Well, it's just a small ceremony, you know, a few friends.

A string quartet, some Champagne, and cupcakes.

I could definitely help with that.

So, tell me all about this Sue.

-Sue is just perfect.

-Ah.

She's kind, she's clever,

she's got the bluest blue eyes I've ever seen.

In fact, when you're looking into them,

you don't want to look anywhere else cos all other colours are

a disappointment in comparison.

Ah, you're a lucky man.

I never managed to find a wife.

Perhaps if I did, I wouldn't have ended up in this mess.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hi, Sue!

-Adam, what's wrong with you?!

Everything's perfect.

'We were on the phone ten minutes ago,'

-you said you had to go and then hung up.

-It was nothing. Just a spider.

-'What?!'

-Yeah, it was as big as a human hand.

Is everything OK?

-Yeah, it's perfect.

-'You're acting all weird.'

-You're not having second thoughts, are you?

-No! No! Not at all.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

-'Right, um...'

-Oh, Adam!

'I love you!'

'You let me stay'

in your mother's house, you treat me like a king.

Your blood is worth bottling!

'Who was that?'

That? Er, it's just the TV.

'You unplugged it'

-and put it in bubble wrap.

-'Yeah, but you know,'

I couldn't bear the silence.

'Do you want me to come round?'

No. No, no, no. We're going to do this the old-fashioned way.

We're going to spend the night apart

-'and then see each other at the wedding.'

-The wedding. Yes?

Sue, I love you so much!

-I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight.

-'You and me both.'

Goodbye.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you were on the phone.

Hey, I just remembered.

I have to make a speech.

What do you want me to talk about?

We're not doing speeches. You just stand next to me.

When I give you the signal, you hand me the ring.

That's not much of a part.

-Will we have a dress rehearsal?

-No, no. There's no point.

It doesn't matter how much you practise.

Things can still go horribly wrong.

Right, that's me done.

-Oh, right. Well, I will see you in the morning.

-No, you won't.

-It's my day off. You've got Valerie.

-Yes. Yes, of course.

Winifred.

-What would say to a night on the town?

-What do you have in mind?

Don't know, really. I thought we might just get lost together.

Well, that is a lovely thought,

but I think I would prefer a quiet night in.

-Are you OK?

-Yes.

Yes, I'm just a little overworked.

Do you know? This is the most amazing thing I've ever eaten!

-You've never had a pizza before?

-No!

All my life, people have been giving me leaflets about it.

Even when I was sleeping in my car,

they used to slip them under the windscreen wipers.

Vegetarian.

Vegetarian supreme.

Hawaiian.

Yeah! You must have pizza on your honeymoon. You deserve the best.

Which is why I intend to be the best best man that ever drew breath.

Not the second best! Not the best of a bad job. No.

A prince among best men!

I'm going to go and get an early night.

I've got a lot of things to do in the morning.

I don't think I can manage stairs.

-I might just stay here, if that's all right with you.

-That's fine.

There's a blanket in one of those boxes. I'll...

Margherita.

Piri-piri.

'Meat feast!'

'Good night, Adam!'

# Morning has broken... #

Mm!

Crispy!

Good morning!

It is indeed!

I made you some breakfast.

There was nothing at all in the cupboards,

but I managed to scrape all that bacon off the floor.

-It's hairy, but edible.

-I don't really do breakfast.

Oh, you must! Most important meal of the day.

And today is the most important day of your life.

But I have been thinking.

I don't know whether I can be your best man. I mean, I hardly know you.

I'm just some old crock you felt sorry for.

You can't back out now.

Look how good you look in that suit.

I do, don't I? All right. Let's do it.

A few things to sort out first.

OK, so, I've got the removal men coming round at ten.

Then I've got to drop the keys off at the estate agent. Then...

-HE SNIFFS

-What's that?

It's all right. It's only a towel.

Argh!

Oh! Oh!

Holy Moly!

-FIRE ALARM

-Oh! Oh!

Sorry, I think you've got the wrong number. OK.

Have I had any messages?

-What do you mean?

-Phone, email, carrier pigeon?

Not that I know of.

Are you expecting something? MOBILE RINGS

I am, actually, yes. So... Dr Carmichael speaking.

Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry. We're not actually open yet.

My friend needs medical help.

-Your friend will have to wait ten minutes.

-I can't do that.

-I'm getting married.

-Oh!

-Congratulations!

-Adam? I thought it was your big day.

-It was.

It is. Um, can you have a look at my friend's hand?

It's nothing, it's only skin.

No, no. That's nasty. Come on, come through. I'll take a look at it.

-Ah, good morning, Dr Carmichael.

-I have your test results.

We need to talk about them.

Well, perhaps we can meet up over lunch.

Is there no possibility that we could talk about them now?

In the corridor? That would be highly inappropriate.

Excuse me.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Is that all right?

-That's all right, as long as I can hold the ring.

How did you get the burn?

There was a little fire.

A bit of bacon and a tea towel.

-And the bump on your head?

-Oh, erm, the usual. I fell into something.

It had nothing to do with Adam. He's a lovely fella. Lovely.

-He gets a bit stressed.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, I am so sorry. Nurse Lee, I need a copy of your appraisal.

Right. Mrs T? Can I have a word?

Yes. Of course.

I'll be back.

I think he's been physically assaulted.

He's clammed up and I don't know whether I should get the

police involved.

Not if you don't think he will talk to them.

Look, try again and let me know.

OK, thanks, Mrs T.

-Excuse me!

-Ah, yeah.

Hm.

Can I get you anything?

So, do you know the name of his usual GP?

No.

-Can you tell me his surname?

-Afraid not.

Oh. Don't know much about him, do you?

-Morning, all.

-Morning, Heston.

Looks like someone's going to a wedding.

-Hopefully.

-Oh, that looks nice. Is it someone's birthday?

-No, I'm going to a dinner party this evening.

-Mrs Tembe.

-Is now a good time?

-Yes, yes. Come into my office.

Oh, Mrs Tembe. Everything all right for this evening?

Good morning, Dr Carter.

JJ is organising it and he's often full of surprises.

So it'll be interesting to see what he gives us.

Chlamydia?

That's right.

But...

But how?

There's really only one way that you can get it.

I must say, I'm surprised that you haven't been using protection.

Yes, we did. And then...

Look, there are worse things that you could have.

And this will clear up completely with a course of antibiotics.

-In the meantime, there are three things you need to do.

-Mm.

Number one, go to an STI clinic.

Number two, stock up on condoms.

And number three,

notify all your sexual partners of the last few years.

There has only been one.

Yeah, so that's one o'clock today with Dr Carter.

-Adam!

-Sue! Oh, Sue! What are you doing here?

I'm not supposed to see you till the wedding.

-Yes, just bring the sample with you.

-Unless you look

me in the eye right now, there's not going to be a wedding!

-Well, if you need to, just bring a bigger bottle.

-Last night, you said you were on your own!

But I heard someone declare their undying love for you.

So I got Mrs Spode over the road to have a look.

What?!

She saw you getting all touchy-feely with another man!

-And then she followed you here!

-Bye.

Sue...

How could you?

-What was I meant to think? Do you blame me?

-No, not really.

Cos I thought the same thing, actually.

-Who was it?

-Empty your pockets!

-Why should I?

Because if you don't, I'm going to call the police.

Sandy, what have you done?

Hello!

You must be Sue!

How nice to meet you.

I cannot bear the thought of sitting in some clinic waiting room,

everybody looking at me.

All of them would I know that I had unprotected...

People also go there for smear tests and contraception.

What if somebody recognises me from the Mill?

I am supposed to be a medical professional.

What if they think I am...?

A human being?

Look, it's really important that you go.

As well as giving you the medication, they'll give you

advice and you'll see there are lots of middle-aged women there.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Would it be possible for you to prescribe the antibiotics?

It would just make things easier.

So, you met a homeless man who broke into your mother's house,

set fire to the kitchen,

and you asked him to be the best man at our wedding?

It was only a small fire and I put it out manually.

You stole alcohol out of my room.

I suppose I did. I'm sorry.

My life has not been good and sometimes,

a tiny little sip of something, it helps me numb the pain.

-Have you thought about getting treatment?

-Oh, yeah. Definitely.

I've really got to sort myself out, but it's hard,

you know, to get back on the ladder of life.

But this man here, he made me believe that it is possible.

He saw a person, not just a bunch of clothes or a ruddy nuisance.

He made me feel that my life might

actually have a point to it.

Well, you have excellent taste in men.

Only you could get yourself into a mess like this.

Only you care enough.

And I'm sure our future life

is going to be full of waifs and strays.

I can't wait to get started.

So, I would very much like to go to a wedding.

VALERIE: Hurrah!

It's all right, love. Put me down.

# We're tying the knot

# Let's get married,

# Set the seal on the feelings we've got

# Let's get married,

# We can make each other happy

# Or we can make each other blue

# Let's get married

# Yes, it's just a piece of paper but it says I love you

# For the good times,

# For the days when we can do no wrong

# For the bad times,

# For the moments when we think we can't go on... #

Very disgusting.

One day I asked my mother "what does this word mean?"

VD.

She said "very disgusting".

There is nothing to be ashamed about.

But sometimes, it's shame that stops people talking about these

things and getting protection.

You need to discuss this with JJ

and he needs to attend the STI clinic too.

It's not just going to go away.

I know. I know.

Look,

I'm going to prescribe you the antibiotics.

And I'm going to find you some condoms.

And there's something else I'm going to prescribe.

It isn't usually available on the NHS.

What is it?

Just a hug.

-Hey, hello.

-There she is.

-We thought you'd forgotten.

-Long day?

-I thought it was just me working late.

-Hey.

We're just not what everyone expected for Mrs Tembe.

A bit of a rough diamond, eh?

Tea? Coffee? Biscuits?

Stop it.

Mrs Tembe...