What Men Want Doctors

Save something for the weekend.

I can't get that last bit of push from them.

Any bigger and you'll have to get your work shirts tailored.

Again.

It'll be worth it.

Maybe.

So are you going for a spray tan before the party

or am I on polishing duty?

Like I'd deny you a huff and a buff.

Come on - home, change, then doctor's.

What do you mean? I'm going like this.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Take a seat.

So, any plans for your afternoon off?

Two-for-one jelly shots, sky diving?

Shoe shopping.

I haven't got anything, you know, pretty, summery,

just practical stuff. So I thought I'd treat myself.

Right, well, Jolly Polly's has got 50% off on the high street at the moment.

Oh, brilliant.

Oh, actually, I ordered a pair of shoes from there last week.

Could you see if they've...

they've arrived?

-Oh, hi, Trudi.

-Hi, Val. Hi, Ayesha.

Hey.

Can I help?

Yeah, I'd...

Oh, this is Liam, my life partner. I wasn't sure - have you met?

I think I'd remember.

Definitely.

I know, he's a policeman to boot.

A man in uniform does something to you, right?

Yeah!

Mostly helps me across the road.

Sorry?

Lollipop man, near me. Sorry, that was a joke only I would understand.

Yeah. Anyway, he would like to see a doctor.

Yeah, if there's one free.

Yeah. Are you registered with us?

Yeah. Liam Adler.

VALERIE HUMS

Yeah, there you are. Got you.

And you've got me.

Always the bridesmaid. Come on through.

Won't be long.

Adonis!

Sorry?

Er...

-A-don't think it'll be long.

-Oh.

-Dr Vere.

That's who you're seeing. So take a seat.

I've spent the whole night rejecting ideas.

It shouldn't be this difficult.

I think she probably wants something quite modest.

I just want to do something big, demonstrative.

-Really?

-Go on.

No, I'm not hiding the ring in the blancmange!

Really?

Too many horror stories from the operating theatre.

Yeah. That is a risk we can ill afford.

So we're not talking about just some coy suggestion across a restaurant table?

"We're not getting any younger, so how about it, darling?"

Definitely not.

Can you imagine?

I booked a table for two at Maison De Fous,

we go for a stroll in the park,

we swing by the Jewellery Quarter and she can pick her own ring.

-I see.

-Simple, quiet, dignified.

RUHMA: I want to beat him at his own game.

So, his big passions are Shakespeare, Mozart, Hanif, of course.

With Hanif throwing serious shade on the other two.

Did I ever tell you, I really like the way you think?

Right, OK. So, the question is what and how?

But getting down on one knee is traditional.

It's a bit showy, isn't it? Less is more.

Really, Dr Carter? When has less is more

been the way you have lived your life?

Where is that exuberant man I once knew?

Treading through a minefield of commitment.

Well, you need to go back to your opera collection and get some passion into your heart.

Shouldn't be long now.

OK.

Dr Vere's very good.

All our doctors are. Actually, all my colleagues are. Oh!

Do you know Rob Hollins at the police station?

Sergeant Hollins?

Yeah! Yeah, his wife, Karen, is my co-worker.

-You may have met her.

-Er...

You'd remember if you had - very chatty, everyone loves her.

And ironically, for a policeman's wife, she doesn't take any prisoners.

I'm sorry, I just realised

there's something I need to do at the station.

I'm going to have to see the doctor another time.

Well, I'm sure he'll only be another minute.

Listen, can you let Trudi know?

I mean, it's important, and it really can't wait. Thank you.

Right, so far, we have hiring a light opera company - impractical.

Quick trip to Venice.

Yeah, proposing on a gondola,

which I just don't think is going to happen by Friday.

Maybe we just have to accept that tomorrow is too soon.

No way! I refuse to admit defeat.

We are three bright, capable women, and this is not rocket science

although, if we put our minds to that, I'm sure we could ace it.

Before we go any further,

how is Heston going to feel about being proposed to?

Lucky?

Yeah, but, come on - he has pretty clear boundaries where men and women are concerned.

Yeah, traditional roles.

Old-fashioned.

Come on, he's hardly a dinosaur. Bow ties and lapsang souchong are a far cry from white van man.

Well, look, let's put it another way -

would Daniel feel emasculated if you proposed?

I refuse to answer that. Now let's go to the Icon.

Thanks, Ayesha.

Is he still with the doc?

Um... He had to leave. He told me to tell you that he's gone to the station.

Really? He's not doing a shift today. Did he get a call?

Not that I'm aware of.

Oh, well, he'll have his reasons.

-See you.

-Take care.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, love.

'Hiya, just checking in, see how you're doing.'

Yeah, you know. Same old, same old. Like I've never been away.

You?

Yeah, all right. A bit lights are on, but the brain's not home.

Missing Marnie.

'Missing all the mess. It was part of her, wasn't it?

'Are you listening to me?'

You're welcome, yeah.

What? Anyway.

So, first day back at work.

'Do you want to meet up for lunch?'

Ah, well, the thing is, it's a bit of a tight squeeze, work-wise.

Oh. It's just I'm... I'm feeling rubbish, you know.

It's the worst part about fostering so far, I tell you.

I know, it's been tough. But, you know, at work, something else to think about.

'Back in the saddle and soldiering on.'

Pretty much. We will get through this, love.

'Yeah, see, this is why I was singing your praises yesterday. You're right, I know you are.'

But... Well, if you can't make lunch, how about we go out for our tea?

Karen...

'Nothing fancy, you know.'

Just not home.

The thing is, I've already said yes to a night out with the lads.

'You know, sort of a welcome back thing for me.'

Please, Rob.

Love, I've got to go. I'm up to my neck in it, but...

'I won't be late.

'And I'll see you soon. OK?

'OK, bye.'

Oh, still here? Obviously.

Is everything all right?

It's Liam. Something's wrong, I just know there is.

Well, it can't be too serious,

not if he changed his mind about seeing the doctor.

I know my man, Val.

Yeah, but, like you say, he's a man, isn't he?

Men do that - they back out of appointments cos they're afraid it's going to be bad news.

That was only for athlete's foot.

He's been distracted, secretive, you know,

and I thought that it might be his work, you know,

some undercover thing, but...

And now you think there's someone else?

Well, now I do, yeah!

Sorry, no, ignore me.

Why didn't I think of that? I mean, he's got the opportunities.

What, because of the uniform thing?

Because he sometimes does hen parties.

You know, like beefcake stuff. Not the full strip, just cheesy baby oil and loincloth.

Sitting on the bride's lap, you know, wiggling, flexing his glutes.

Oh. I can why he'd be popular. Yay, glutes!

I thought of it, encouraged it.

Do the police know?

No. It's not like he does it in uniform.

It's strictly on the down-low, you know, cash in hand.

Only pin money. It's just a bit of fun.

Oh. So he's with groups of women who admire him?

And why wouldn't they? You did...and Ayesha.

This is all my fault.

Well, it does rather sound like you've staked him out and rung the dinner bell.

So, what about you and Daniel, then? Has he ever proposed?

Well, he very nearly did once,

but I can assure you I nipped it in the bud.

Now he makes noises about it every so often,

but only for tax reasons.

Last of the great romantics.

Joe has started to ask questions,

but I just don't really see the point.

-Love?

-Well, we have that.

We just don't need an outdated social convention to validate it.

I mean, the whole marriage thing is so passe to me.

But that won't get in the way of your career as a wedding planner.

Oh, well! Horses for courses, Ruhma! I do not mean you and Heston.

It's quite different for Daniel and myself.

Let's order. We'll "passe" on the alcohol, shall we?

So, what did you think was the problem if it wasn't cheating?

I did wonder if it was steroids.

He's been getting bigger lately.

He's got thighs you can ski down these days.

You know, and he's been...not there.

Remote?

Yeah. Not moody, just not himself.

Well, I'm no expert, but steroids can change someone's mood.

Has he... Sorry, I'm not normally this nosy, but how are things, bedroom-wise?

Well, a bit of a drought, to be frank, you know.

I mean, he's affectionate, cuddles and kisses, but no.

He's more interested in his own body than mine.

Well, steroids can do that.

Think about it - if he's in the police, he's hardly likely to be taking anything illegal, is he?

I can't stand this.

Hi, where did you dash off to in such a rush?

Hi, sorry. I had to check something at the station.

I had some paperwork due.

'Oh, right. Are you still there?'

No, I'm actually going to the gym. Look,

I'm sorry I bailed on the doctor's. You are OK getting home, right?

'Yeah, I suppose.'

Just don't be there all day.

I won't. Love you.

That settles it.

Oh, good.

I mean, he's definitely up to something - he's going to the gym.

-And that's bad?

-We went this morning.

Why don't you just ask him? Put your mind at rest.

I suppose.

I just wish that there was some way that I could find out without him knowing.

Still, I'll just head home and wait for him.

I just feel so unsupported, you know, just like I'm facing my demons alone.

Trudi.

So, what does Heston really like?

What's at the heart of him?

Er... He likes good food, am-dram, champagne.

A questionable taste in neck attire.

What about a bow tie with a ring knotted into it?

No. I don't know why, that just makes me think of a bull with a ring through its nose.

All right. A bottle of champagne with a ring in it?

How are you going to get it inside?

I think we're missing a trick with the whole opera thing.

-Now, I know we talked about hiring a company...

-Which was impractical.

Yeah, but there are some beautiful arias.

She's right. I mean, you know, opera is very over the top,

but then so is a wedding day.

I've got it. Madama Butterfly.

You dress up as a geisha.

Cultural appropriation.

No, I know it, I know it. "One day, my love will return."

Oh, that aria is beautiful, but she goes and kills herself in the end because he's met someone else.

Point taken. But to die for love...

Yeah, I'll stick to living for it, thank you very much.

That's his car, so he's definitely here.

Are you going to make sure?

He's where he said he'll be.

I think I'm just getting worked up with all the other stuff.

There's no real evidence, is there?

-There he is!

-Don't let him see us!

Where's he going?

See, I knew something was up.

Hand me my sunglasses. They're in the glove compartment.

No, really, just take me home...

No, no, you stay right there. I am going in!

So?

My mind is as blank as that board.

Very well.

Which is all you need, apparently.

What is the stumbling block here?

I can't say with any confidence that I know what Ruhma wants.

This is the woman I want to marry. I don't even know if she wants a proposal.

Faint heart, Dr Carter.

This is not the time for cold feet.

We need a different approach.

Such as?

Looking at your fear of her reaction to your proposal.

Have you considered asking Shak?

Oh, I could ask his permission to marry his mother?

See what he thinks his mother might do.

He and Alia are in the middle of exams.

This is the last thing they need.

And you've brought some with you?

Yeah.

How long have you been...

A few months.

Just out of curiosity, how does it make you feel?

Different. I mean, it's not what I expected.

Do you feel changed? For the better?

Look, have you booked a room?

Yes. Shall we?

Er, payment.

I've left the cash up there.

Come on.

It's on the fourth floor. Stupid of me,

but I'm superstitious about odd numbers.

You don't look the superstitious type.

-Looks can be deceiving.

-Yeah.

PLATES CLATTER

So?

Well, he met up with someone.

Some scrubber from the gym?

No, a man, a businessman.

It sounded like some kind of a deal.

Steroids? I knew it. How could he?

I don't know but, from what I overheard, Liam is selling, not buying.

Selling? What's he playing at?

Of all the stu... I mean, is he...

He's risking our whole future!

I know, but at least he's being cautious.

They're going to some room on the fourth floor. He's not doing it in the bar.

That doesn't matter, does it? I mean, if he's caught or if he's blackmailed, it's game over.

What room is he in?

I don't know. Are you sure you want to confront him like this?

I'm stopping this before it goes too far.

407.

Yes?

What the...

Trudi?

Holy Moley!

Oh, wow! This is not what it looks like.

All right.

We do not have any ideas, but we do have a venue.

-If we can just get some...

-I have less than 24 hours.

If you can contrive a way of getting there before her, the early bird catches the worm.

I'm more like a permanently confused pigeon.

If it is a country hotel...

-Or an increasingly bewildered ostrich.

-Dr Carter!

I'm sorry, Mrs Tembe. Thank you for your help.

But I have to prepare for afternoon surgery. Excuse me.

But...

Muscle worship?

I flex and pose, like a body-building contest.

For him?

Not just him.

This is my first time.

What for? If you're doing this, then...

For money. Why do you think?

So, how does this work?

OK, well, there are people...

-Men.

-Men, who are willing to pay

to appreciate the work I've put into myself.

It's not sordid.

Then why come here?

Privacy. I don't feel so...

-On display?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, but you are, though, aren't you?

-Er...

-See this definition?

How his traps and deltoids give his upper body that shape?

It's perfect.

Like a Michelangelo drawing brought to life.

Exactly. Do you see?

Yeah, I can - any time I go to the gym.

There's loads of blokes that look like this.

No, not to this level of perfection.

It's a combination of genetics and hard work.

Takes real discipline to get to this.

Only a few can.

Baby oil, too?

To show the definition.

This is all just too creepy.

Look, men like Brandon, they don't just pay up - they encourage me.

And they don't leer or grab or grope like the women at the hen parties.

That's just fun!

Well... Yeah, it can get a little bit...rugby scrum.

The minute the tequila gets passed round,

the fairy wings come off and it's open season.

See? I'm treated with dignity here.

And admiration for what he's achieved.

Thank you.

OK, some guys, they like to rub in the baby oil, OK?

I mean, just really rub it in to appreciate the muscle tone.

But that's it.

Nothing sexual at all?

Nope.

I can't believe you allow yourself to be ogled by another man.

Really? I mean, I get paid, like, four times the amount I would spending

-the night fighting off a bunch of drunk women.

-Four times?

Top of his game.

Look, you said you wanted to visit your sister in America, right?

Well, soon, I'll have enough money to take you.

Just from standing there? Guns out?

Nothing more.

Right, I've decided - ultra-traditional.

-If it ain't broke...

-Then there's traditional, and there's traditional.

-Meaning?

-There's no reason not to embellish.

Give yourself a romantic setting, for starters.

What about a string quartet?

Or a country hotel?

I'm way ahead of you there.

I could go down on one knee. That would really throw him.

Can I... can we organise this by tomorrow?

Of course we can.

Just... I want to do it right, I don't want to rush.

Maybe I should just plan it for Heston's birthday.

No! No, no, no. With the three of us organising, we will definitely nail it for tomorrow.

OK, what about this? Haseldine Hall - perfect, yeah?

That is exactly what I had in mind.

Right, I'm going to phone the music department at the university.

Hello, yes. I wonder, do you have a table for two...

-That's for the string quartet?

-For tomorrow?

-They could definitely point us in the right direction.

-Jackpot! Hold on a moment.

They do have a table, and it's in a prime position - it's a cancellation.

-This is really happening.

-Oh, hello, could I speak to your music faculty, please?

Yes, please, we would love to book that. It's in the name of Hanif.

Hey, hi. I'd really like to go somewhere nice for lunch tomorrow.

Yeah, I've booked us a table at Maison De Fous.

Luke's got some fantastic new Icelandic treats.

Well, no, I've booked somewhere, too.

-'Where?'

-Hold on.

-It's a country hotel and...

-Haseldine Hall.

-Haseldine Hall.

Cos I didn't want to risk you forgetting.

Well, I didn't! I booked this a month ago.

'We've been there loads of times.

'And this is much better cos it's really, really special.'

And so, that's what we're going to do.

And I will speak to you later. Bye.

Bulldozed him! Hello, sorry to keep you waiting.

Did you need a credit card number?

Yeah, hello, we'd like to enquire

about hiring your string quartet, if possible.

-Yes.

-Absolutely. Can you put candles on her table?

Well, probably for about 100.

And flowers.

I just wish you'd told me. I was imagining all sorts.

You're right, I should have told you.

I had thought about it.

And you're all right with all this?

I do get something out of posing.

I mean, you have a go at me for spending so much time at the gym,

but we both benefit.

I always did. You can pose for me any time.

-Private shows?

-Yeah.

-No gropings?

I tell you what. I'll give you mates rates.

But right now, Brandon's paying for my time, so...

-Yeah, right. Um, I'll get out of your way.

-Yeah.

-See you later.

-I'll see you later.

Well, nice to meet you.

Have fun or... Yeah.

Uh! I don't know. All that worrying for nothing.

What am I like, Val?

Well, it was a shock.

Oh, totally. But I should focus on the positive, right?

I should thank my lucky stars I have someone like him.

He's the real deal, you know?

He does seem to care about you.

And he's doing all that to give me a luxury holiday.

I should have more faith.

But it's made me think - maybe lay off the hen parties

cos, you know, I didn't realise.

He did seem unhappy, women treating him like that.

And it's funny because I'd see the way that guys look at him in the gym, you know,

and I'd put two and two together.

And he would never, ever seem to recognise.

Well, at least, I thought.

Actually...

..I promised Ayesha I'd pick up some shoes.

Ooh, shoe shopping? Let's go!

PHONE RINGS

I'd nearly given up hope.

Sorry, got side-tracked.

Oh, brilliant, thanks. I owe you.

Not a problem.

Are you OK?

I had a funny day.

I always thought honesty was the best policy,

even if you were saying something that no-one wanted to hear.

Something happened?

There was just more to it than they were both letting on.

'You could just tell.'

Same again. No - scotch, double.

'Something about the way Liam was behaving.

'And I don't know what good it would do to tell Trudi.

'She strikes me as a shoot-the-messenger type.

'Some things are difficult to hear and harder to say.'

MUSIC PLAYS

Mrs Tembe? We can relax.

I've just had my light bulb moment.

You can do it.

-HESTON:

-It's a complete and unmitigated disaster!

I'm too old and unfit.

I don't know why I thought this was even possible, or both.

Your dress looks like someone has had an industrial accident

-in a paint factory!

-I don't care!

I just want to wear something that makes me

look presentable and I want to be there on time. And that is all.